Saddle Ranch: Tattoo Date? Really?

Bad week.  Don’t wanna talk about it.  Moving on. What are the ca-raaazy SR kids up to this week?

Montage of what we’ve seen. Montage of what we’re gonna see.  Ugh.  I guess it’s time for Robb and Racheal’s first (and most likely last) date!!! Excited?  Me neither.  Especially since it’s a tattoo date  (yaaawwwnn).  Oh, and I guess there’s some dancing and Tyler gets in trouble.  Jeez.  Here we go.

So, Robb tells us that he thinks Rach is a “dope chick”, but he has a short attention span when it comes to girls.  Rach tells us that from what she knows of Robb so far, she’s feeling him, but she a bit hesitant when it comes to relationships.  Alrighty, so basically they are both bartenders who like to keep themselves available just in case?  Agreed?  Must be nice to have endless options, hm?  Sorry, I’m Bitter Betty today.  FYI-I had my Match.com account disabled…..for now.   Anyhoo, time for THE FIRST DATE!!!  Yipee.

“Dress to Impress”? …..crickets?

And guess what this romatic date entails?!?  Racheal getting her tattoo worked on!  Booooooooo….First of all, I’m all for tattoos, but you “tattoo expert”  type people trip me out.  STOP CALLING IT YOUR ‘INK’!!!  OR YOUR ‘PIECE’!! It’s a fucking tattoo!  Yes, i’ts lovely, and ballsy, and probably more sentimental to you than my tramp stamp i’d like to forget, but DAY-UM!  It’s fucking ink etched into your skin for all of time!  Sheesh.  Sorry.  Tangent.  Here’s what she’s having “work” done on.

Well, that’ll look elegant on her wedding day, I suppose.

Robb tells us he’s “super-stoked” (insert groan here) that Rach is letting him come with her to have some “work” on her tatt done, and he’s flattered.  Huh?  Oh, apparently, anyone who gets tattooed knows that this is a deep, intimate experience that you don’t share with just anyone, and it’s special to him that she will always remember him being with her whenever she looks at the tattoo.  A) BARF. B) Lay off the chronic, man. C) I’m guessing this “sacred” experience will lead to intercourse a few hours from now. D) This is clearly a bad omen.  At least she’s a bartender, meaning she’ll have the funds to get this particular section of her tatt removed next week, when they want to slit each other’s throats.  Anyway, she has this “medical symbol” tatt cause she has her “phlebotomy” license.  I guess she went to school for it.  For those of you who are clueless at the moment, phlebotomy is the medical term for “drawing blood” or anything “needle-into-vein” related.  This was a 20min lecture+10min skill demo I went through in semester 1 of my curriculum of medic school.  Not to discredit her extensive education in sticking a needle into a person’s skin, or anything.  Trust me, it’s a very different thing to PRACTICE phlebotomy and become good at it, than to learn the steps to become licensed.  I had to stick people for months before I was confident and adequate enough to do successful IVs and such.  (Sorry to all those I had to stick 27x in 24 different places before hitting your vein. MY BAAADD!).  Then I had to get good at doing it in the back of a bumpy ambulance on a patient trying to punch me in the face at the same time, but that’s a whole other story.  Fun times.  Whatever the case may be, I’m actually pleased to hear that one of these Bone Heads has some sort of skill outside the rest. bizz.  Robb is sooooo impressed.  Me?  Not so much.  They are starry-eyed, and the tatt artist makes fun of them a little.  Not nearly enough, tho.

I’m really over this date, as I’m sure you are too, but here’s one more image to give you an idea of just how obnoxious this scene is.

What ever happened to dinner and a movie?  Is this what dirty people do on a first date? Am I just boring?

They had fun, so who cares…more on this later (unfortunately).  Back to work, people!!!

Montage of night shift at SR (jumpin, I must say!).  And I’d like to take a sec to shed light on to the BEST game to ever be invented and utilized in bars/restaraunts around the country.

BEST. GAME. EVER.

I couldn’t get a good pic of it, but this game is the SHIT.  We had it where I used to work, and not only did it keep me occupied during my boring day shifts, but guys literally used to come to our bar JUST TO play this shit.  It’s basically a punching bag that hangs, a player punches it as hard as possible, and it measures and displays a certain amount of points according to how hard it was punched.  No lie.  Simple as that.  It’s seriously a blast.  Add in excessive amounts of booze, testosterone, and male ego, and BAM!  Hilarity for all those lucky enough to watch!  On more than one occasion, I witnessed some drunk fool try to kick it with his foot, and bust his ass in such an entertaining way, that even HE had to laugh at himself through his now 5 broken teeth.   NVM. Guess you have to be there.

Ugh.  Here are the lovebirds working together again.  They both insist that it’s not awkward.  Uh huh.  Not nooooow, it’s not.  They keep saying this to each other, and I wanna light myself on fire.

I sure hope you mean that, Rach.  Cause you’re bound to see what’s under that hood/hat sooner or later!EEk!

Tyler weighs in saying that he thinks they are doomed to fail as a couple.  So far this douche is only good in the “foreshadowing” department.  Aw hell, Gasmii.  As if my mood couldn’t go any further down the shitter.  It’s a mothafuckin’ bachelorette party.  Wedding season was my worst nightmare as a bartender.  You see, where I worked, we were required to make a huge fucking deal about these overly-enthusiastic groups, no matter how busy we were, and it was a massive pain in the ass.  Ugh, it gives me the hee-bee-jee-bees just thinking about it.

Will someone just roofie this chick already, so we can all get back to work?

My sister’s bachelorette weekend was in Miami last November, and I made it my mission as Maid of Honor to keep my sis from having to sport a crown, feathered boa, penis beads, etc, and trust me-I delivered.  And she was all kinds of appreciative.  I’ll be damned if imma spend my “last hoo-rah” in a fucking airbrushed t-shirt covered in condoms.  But other chicks seem to think this is hilarious, and original, so lets see if Tyler is up to the task of pretending it is, for the sake of a tip.  He asks “So are you girls single?  Married?…”   Way-to-go, Tyler.  Very observant, this one.  Anyway, he interviews that his job is a great way to get numbers.  He’s the Master of the Obvious, i’ve decided.  I will be calling him M.O.O. from this moment on.  He informs us that when he’s serving, he’s not supposed to be getting said numbers, or operating the mechanical bull.  Cue montage of him doing both of those things repeatedly.  I have a feeling that Candy may be lurking around somewhere in all this……

Clockwork, my friends.  CLOCK. WORK.

Candy can’t believe what M.O.O.  is doing.  Sidenote- For such a Nazi, Candy sure does seem surprised quite often by how severely/often her staff misbehaves.  Just sayin.  Somethin doesn’t add up, to me.  Candy basically goes off on M.O.O., and reminds him that he’s a server, so go serve your fucking tables, you Assclown! (I added the last part).

Now it’s Nancee’s cross-eyed ass that’s slacking.  We see a couple at a table, and I guess they have been waiting a while with no server.  Candy approaches them to find this out, apologizes, and scurries off to find out who to go off on.  No, she doesn’t get the table’s drink order in the meantime.  She’s more focused on who to yell at than the fact that the table hasn’t been served.  Customer service-shmustomer schmervice, pft!  Someone needs to be yelled at, people!!!  Jeez.  I hate managers who think certain things are “below” them as a manager.  How bout, get some service to the customer to keep them happy for a sec, THEN figure out the origin of the misstep, hm?  COMMON SENSE!  Whatever, Nancee is to blame, so here we go to the office.  Candy breaks down the timeline (down to the minute) of when Nancee came back on from break, and when the table was sat, and blah blah blah.   Confusion all around.  I’m just confused as to why the staff is allowed breaks when the place is clearly in the middle of a rush, but NVM.  Instead of a slap on the wrist, or a quick write up, Nancee is kept from her section even LONGER to sit through a redundant, and extensive lecture, THEN a write-up.  GOD-someone needs to get Candy laid, and FAST!

“I was on break, helllllloooooo!?”

The clear theme of this episode is “Saddle Ranch Staff Sucks Ass”.  On another sidenote-I do feel for Candy a LITTLE.  There are a number of employees to keep track of in a pretty chaotic atmosphere, and I DO NOT envy her job whatsoever.  I’m thinkin more Management staff is needed per shift.  She looks like she hasn’t slept in weeks.

Convo between Cassie and Noah.  Uh…I guess Noah is a dancer, ya’ll.  Whoodda thunkit?  Not me, but cool.  Ruh rooooohhh….Me thinky I might be developing a lil crush-a-roo on Noah!!!  Cassie makes plans with him to take a dance class the next day.  Noah’s gonna bring his GF, too.  Grrrrrrrrrrr….

BTW-If I had a nickel for every GD time this same image is flashed in scene transition during 1 episode, I wouldn’t be eating off-brand cereal out of a coffee mug right now.

Time to dance.  While “stretching out”, Cassie, Noah, and Noah’s GF discuss where Cassie wants to go with her dancing career.  This scene is boring and annoying.  Basically, Cass would love to go to auditions, but just can’t seem to find out when and where these auditions are held.  Noah and GF are like “Do you have an agent?” Cassie- “No”.  Mystery solved!  Jeez.  Noah and GF are like “Uh…you need to get an agent”.  Duh.  I wonder how long Cassie has been trying to “break into the dance business” without an agent.  I choose to assumme not long, so my head doesn’t explode.  They dance, and are all pretty damn good.  I’m impressed with all three of em, and now want to bawl my eyes out cause I miss dancing.  I might dance around my apartment a little bit later, just to make sure I’ve still “got it”.  The last tidbit of insight I’d like someone to offer poor Cassie is this: If you were not dancing in sweatpants, oversized long-sleeved flannel, and a full face of makeup , then you might not be sweating like R.Kelley at a girlscout meeting.  Just a suggestion, Punkin.

“There goes the 2hrs I spent on my make-up this morning! Shit!”

Night shift at SR.  Ok, guys.  Here it is.  I was hoping this aspect of serving would be highlighted at some point this season.  It’s time for………drumroll……….you ready?………..wait for it………….SECRET SHOPPER!!!  Hahahahaha!  If you’ve ever been a server, you just shit your pants.  For those of you who don’t know, getting “secret shopped” is a server’s worst nightmare.  A “secret shopper” is some asshole who’s getting paid to evaluate you as a server.  And by “evaluate”, I mean “pick apart your every move,  critique every word you say, and every fiber of your being as an employee, tearing down your worth as a person point by point, till you can never get hired in this town again”.  This “shopper” is called “secret”, because he/she is to appear as a regular joe-shmoe to the server, that way he/she remains clueless to the fact that he/she is being “evaluated”.  Fucked up, right?

Today’s “secret shoppers”.  I KNOW, RIGHT!?

You may be wondering, “If the server is doing his/her job, then what’s the problem?” Well, my friend, if it were only that simple.  You see, for example, when you order a value meal at the McD’s drivethru, the voice you hear through the speaker might say something like “How bout a new oreo McFlurry with your order today?”.  No, this is not just a friendly suggestion to make your McD’s experience end on a sweet note.  This is the BS that managers hound their employees about day in and day out, to do.  Same shit as a server.  It’s called “up-selling”.  Jeez, my point is that a server is given a bunch of nonsense to add in throughout his/her regular “what would you like to drink, how is everything, ready for the check?” dialogue, and although it’s a major pain in the ass that makes no difference to the customer, it’s technically a requirement, and the “secret shopper” is the only way to catch a server not doing it.  Does that make sense?  It’s a bullshit way to use one server as an example to the rest, when he/she gets fired for not offering “Coke-a-cola” specifically, or whatever featured dessert needs to be sold this week.  It has ZERO to do with how good the server is, really.  NVM.  Just know that M.O.O. is kind of fucked.  I’ve never been “shopped” (Thank God), but I’ve seen it happen, and 9 times out of 10-someone is fired.  Let’s see how he does.  Eek!  I’m scared for this one.

He’s actually doing REALLY well.  Until a table of chicks distracts him COMPLETELY.  He tells us some bullshit about how you have to “hustle” sometimes.  By “hustle”, he means “ignore your other tables entirely”.  Dammit, M.O.O., I was kind of rooting for you for a minute!  Let’s see if you out there in GasmiLand can spot what M.O.O. is doing wrong here:

Is he A) Flirting with ugly chicks B) Wearing his SR bandanna too low on his head or C) Sitting down at a fucking table on the clock while his other tables look on in need of the check they asked for 10mins ago?

DING DING DING!!!

He interviews something about what was spilled into Candy’s coffee, and her being grumpy or whatever.  Actually, you’re just slacking off, as usual, you idiot.  For once, I’m on Candy’s side.  No wonder she’s always so pissed off.  There’s a way to slack off without being so obvious about it.  Anyway, this shit is getting old, so i’ll break it down.  M.O.O. dropped the ball, but didn’t do anything too detrimental, so after a lecture, and a threat or two, M.O.O. isn’t fired, but will remain employed for the time being, and will be allowed his balls back in the future, whenever Candy isn’t so “Grumpy” (aka-expectant of her staff to WORK).  Moving on.

Robb and Noah at Grocery store.  I guess Robb has decided to cook Racheal dinner.  There ya go, buddy!!!  That’s more like it!!!  He and Noah engage in a little “So, do you think it’s gonna get serious, I dunno, but I totes dig her bro, are ya’ll gonna get married, huh huh..” convo. Ya know, that thing guys do.  When they want to have a serious discussion about something, but are too uncomfortable and insecure to do so, so they end up making juvenile jokes and giggling, before finally changing the subject to something meaningless s/a balls?  Well, that’s this scene’s content.  Noah actually manages to crack some joke about Robb making steak, and how he hopes it’s not a “mis-steak”, and it’s hilarious, as well as super-endeering.  Yup, I officially love Noah.  Shit!!!

Cassie sells shots to a dance troupe.  They do “Rock and Roll Burlesque”, and it takes a minute, but Cassie finally comes up with the brilliant idea to network a bit with these girls, and plan to audition for them!! YAY! There ya go, Twinkletoes!

Date Night #2.  Rach is excited, despite her monotone-trucker-raspy-matter-of-fact way of telling us so.  She says that Robb’s cooking skills will somehow influence how she feels about him.  Who’s this hoe think she’s kidding?  He could fire up a turd and throw it on a paper plate if he wanted, and she’d still be into him.  If you really like someone, you don’t care about shit like his cooking skills.  Not until you start to get tired of each other, anyway.  She’s gonna fuck him either way, right?  Sidenote #246-Does anyone else want to see what this chick looks like without makeup on as bad as I do?

I mean, ZERO make-up.  Like, just out of the shower.

Here’s my theory-if you’re interested:

LMAO!  Wouldn’t that be hilarious, ya’ll?

Ok, my bad.  The date goes exactly as planned.  Kissing, flirting, “surprisingly” great food.  Cuddletime on couch.  Shocker of the century???……Racheal is gonna stay the night!!!  Can you believe it!? (insert MASSIVE eyeroll here).  Robb is very excited.  Here’s his “excited face”.

What DID I ever see in him?

And as if I needed to be any more nauseated, they let the dog follow them into the boom boom room, closing the door behind them.  I have a major issue with pets watching their owner (and/or me) bang.  It just feels… WRONG!  Isn’t that some form of abuse, and/or molestation of some kind?  UGH!!! Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd SCENE!

Next week is gonna be a doozie!  And WHATTA YA KNOW! Shit hits the mothafuckin’ fan, ya’ll!!!  We’re talkin’ flirting, then Rach flippin’ the fuck out, then staff drunken-ness, then Rach flippin’ the fuck out some more, then physical violence, then Rach in the back of a squad car…you fill in the blanks.  Man, if I had a dollar for everytime…….NVM!  See ya next week for what’s sure to be a grrrrrrrrrrreat time!

Tmurdaxoxoxo