Salon Takeover: The Sea Witch Beheaded

Destined to end the season on the west coast, Tabatha is in Valencia, California for her final takeover of the season. In the ninth episode of Tabatha’s Salon Takeover, Miss T faces the staff of Concerto Salon, a relatively young salon with an ancient problem, the salon is reigned over by a Gorgon, the likes of which the world hasn’t seen since… me! Muhahahaha.

Tabatha must slay the beast in time to hand over control of the kingdom to our hero and salon owner Nik, who has cowered in the shadow of Sabina since opening the salon less than two years ago. (For the sake of the analogy, let’s pretend that all Perseus’s slaying was handled by a woman… there’s a good chance that was true and Zeus covered for him. Bastards.)

Inside Concerto Salon the phone rings and Owner Nik answers the phone. Tabatha has him step outside his crumbling castle so she can prep him for battle.

Tabatha has Nik in the screening room and she wants to discuss the problems in the salon. Nik tells Tabatha that Concerto was opened after he made the decision to upgrade his (previously) small salon into a larger space and expand his business. He took a loan from his wife (his second wife… ooh! ooh?) and he’s now in the hole for about $100K. He feels he has lost control of his business and his staff. Now he’s too afraid to make any radical changes, such as firing the crew of drunk, obnoxious plebeians he has on staff, because he’s at his financial breaking point.

Masochistic Business Model…

In order to deal with the increasing pressure of the business, Nik — who seems like a well mannered man (either extremely well mannered or suffering from a complete palsy which inhibits him from reacting) — took the radical step of unofficially handing over control of his salon to Sabina, his right-hand henchman. Sabina will speak up and call out all the wrong doings in the salon, the problem is, it’s not her salon. And the power corrupted her to the point that she now also treats Owner Nik as one of her subordinates… Tabatha (or a hitman) had to be called in.

The secret footage rolls and shows Nik at work while his wildly streaked staff are sitting in a circle drinking. Sabina the Sea Witch approaches him and asks him to say something to the stylists who are openly taunting him by getting hammered at their stations.

Beer goggles are a legitimate professional marketing technique for these women.

She’s not the salon manager, but Nik admits to Tabatha that since Sabina has experience owning her own salon,he hoped she would help him out.

Get Flotsam and Jetsam to escort them out, please?

However power corrupts, and that woman is corrupt like Chicago in the 20′s. She’s corrupt like Miley Cyrus on Twitter. She’s poised to attack other (disorderly, but not mutinous) stylists in front of clients.When the footage roles again and she’s screaming at Anna Faris’ Jerseylicious counterpart, and she is in full on attack mode.

I’m sorry I’m not the most boring person ever.

We don’t see what provoked the fight, but we see SeaBitcha bring it to a cringe-worthy level when she tells Faris, “Who the f%$# do you think you are?” SeaBitcha concludes the argument by screaming “…why don’t you go smoke a cigarette and pump your breast milk?” as Nik looks on and her client considers leaving sacrificing clump of hair to escape the grip of the witch. Tabatha reminds Nik that his staff drinks, curses and fights on the floor — and he shuts down.

The footage rolls and Faris’s client is now complaining to Nik, she’s never witnessed anything like this in a salon.

Nik nods, and Tabatha turns to him and says, “You didn’t solve *a* problem today.”

Step into my office. Because you’re f%&$ing fired.

Back on the screens SeaBitcha is yelling at her “apprentice” Danielle, who has not gotten all the dye off her client’s head. As Danielle seeks refuge from SeaBitcha’s wrath at Nik’s station, all Nik can think to say is “you’re Sabina’s slave…” Nik knows that SeaBitcha is out of control, but since Nik can’t afford to miss out on the revenue, the whole salon continues to wither as her fat ass blocks out the sun.

“You let her get away with MURDER.” Tabatha tells Nik, who not-surprisingly, doesn’t look surprised.

MUuuuuURDER!

To condense Nik emasculation into 30 seconds, we’re treated to a montage of SeaBitcha’s greatest hits, “What are you doing, dumbass — you are a giant pussy — shall I give you your balls back?” she says to Nik.

Now I’ve got’em boys! Your boss is on a roll…

Tabatha says, “if my business was going under and I had some bossy cow trying to take over my salon, I wouldn’t be as passive as you.” I don’t think anyone would. Tommy Chong would be more outraged at the abuse than Nik. Gandhi would swing… So Tabatha needs to take over. Sabina maybe totally obnoxious and rude and terrible, but she’s not wrong, someone needs to assume control of that salon, and until Nik taps into his management abilities or surgically has his testes retrieved, it’s Tabatha. Time for the takeover.

She enters the salon and the staff is slow to assemble. One of the Misfits has started a post-music career as a makeup artist and she’s first to comment that she could “hear the  butt cheeks clench” when Tabatha appeared. That may be why the staff was slow to congregate… or they just didn’t want to spill their drinks.

…and we’re gonna get her!

Tabatha has canceled all their appointments for the week and if she has successfully empowered/de-castrated Nik but he end of the week, some of the staff may not have jobs.

Tabatha walks around and finds a lot of dust. Nik says that the manicurist is very busy and she creates a lot of dust. That’s the last of the excuses, but not the last of the filth. There’s color everywhere, there is unidentified gunk all over all the surfaces in the salon.

This was in the “clean’ bin.

The decor is so caked in dust it looks like they’re more prepared to host a haunted house than a day’s worth of clients… I have an idea of who can be cast as the nightmare fuel too.

Nik’s daughter Natasha is a stylist in the salon and she is present to share the shame…

As Nik tries to find his happy place…

…although she’s also more inclined to admit how bad things have gotten. She is really pushed to the brink of her embarrassment threshold at the staff meeting the following day. When the staff is assembled the complaints about the unbalance of power in the salon start to fly.

Faris says that Nik relies on Sabina, but SeaBitcha revels in it — she continues to enable him to shirk his management duties. No theory on how stumbling through the salon blitzed may (or may not) be a political protest against the reign of the Sea Witch.

Tabatha wants to know if SeaBitcha thinks that Nik can really handle the duties of an owner. “I think if he has a daily affirmation everyday,” Sabina says. “If he has a list and says, this is what I have to do today…”

“You’re talking about Nik like he’s five and he’s an idiot.” Tabatha counters.

As Tabatha runs down the insults that Sabina has hurled at Nik, Natasha starts to cry. She says she’s used to watching people take advantage of him, now she’s numb to it. (Mostly.)

Misfit says that “we were all hired by Nik and we want to work… for Nik.” Although I think this loyalty has been derailed somewhere before the flip cup tournament but after the body shots… Misfit says the she feels like she works for “the red headed Sea Witch”. And everyone’s hand shoots up when asked if they all feel the same. Misfit goes on to accuse Sabina of sending out a mailer where she stated that she ‘partnered’ with Concerto Salon, instead of ‘barely holding onto a job at’ Concerto Salon. SeaBitcha denies that charge, but doesn’t seem very concerned with her reputation amongst her co-workers. One step beyond being unpopular, she’s also accused of forcing apprentice Danielle into slavery. In the salon Danielle is known as “Sabina’s bitch”, and in exchange Danielle has not been getting training from her surly captor, or Nik, who is too afraid to intervene.

It’s time for the stylists’ assessment. Faris has a nice consultation with her client and Tabatha is happy to see under the tattooed brows and Wet Seal clearance rack apparel, there is a good stylist. Sabina talks to her client about color, but Tabatha doesn’t see her ask the proper questions, Tabatha has some criticism before she moves along to Nik who gets her approval.

Keep your tentacles off until you ask the right questions…

Token male stylist, Dakota, is at his station making mud pies. Oops, no he’s just apply dark dye without wearing gloves. As he’s staining the hell out of his shirt and his hands, Tabatha approaches to find out if this styling delinquent has ever heard of gloves. He says that he can’t wear gloves because it makes his fingers numb. Instead of stocking his station with a larger size he’s decided to skip gloves all together. You know this guy  unnecessarily buys Trojan Magnums, but hasn’t considered the need for large gloves.

While he’s explaining his situation to Tabatha, he also scratches his head, depositing color is his hair. Wow.

Good news ladies, I’m sure this one is straight.

Maybe he likes staining his hands a richer shade? When he can’t get a date (because he looks like hands are covered in horseshit), he can go home and pretend the darker hand is someone else…

Tabatha talks to Natasha who is really hurt watching her dad take shit from everyone in the salon, she wants him to respect himself more.

At the sinks Sabina is toning her client. She’s done a set of highlights and the color is off. The client thinks it’s too golden, and it’s coming off “dirty”. Sabina looks on slaw-jawed as Tabatha tell her she should have done is right the first time, the highlights aren’t blended, they have a greenish cast.

I bet Cruella knows the value of a good touch-up.

Danielle is at work on a set of highlights, but its been a long time since she’s been able to work on a client, aside from shampooing. Tabatha confronts Sabina and Nik about educating Danielle and they both make excuses about not stepping up and helping her out. Sabina says that Danielle is just out of beauty school, she’s done 1000 hours of roller sets, and Nik says he thought Sabina was handling it… Weak.

Faris has done a nice job with her client. Dakota was sloppy. Sabina’s client is not happy with her highlights, but Nik’s client is. He’s a good stylist, now he needs to focus on managing the lazy group he’s hired.

Tabatha brings Nik’s wife in after the assessment to discuss the financial problems the salon is having. Wifey wants Nik to be happier and less stressed, so they’ve discussed putting the salon up for sale. Tabatha has a little boy in his father’s suit come in and present them with a business card saying he’s a broker and give them an idea of what the salon is worth.

It’s not as good as the fort I made with the couch cushions, but….

He says that since the cashflow is so weak, that they couldn’t expect to get more than $20-$30K for that salon. Since they’re already into the business for $100K they would be taking a big hit.That seems to be the shock that Nik and the Mrs. need to decide to stay with the salon.

Tabatha takes custody of Nik and brings him to a local dojo to take some self-defense lessons with Master Shin. A man who has never been castrated on television. After some coaxing, Master Shin takes Tabatha and Nik through some basic self defense techniques. He has Nik scream, punch, kick and flip his way to some confidence.

You Jackwagon.

Nik actually starts to escape the palsy that has frozen his face and he starts to smile and talk and relax. So much so that when Tabatha leads him into the next room where his staff is waiting, he’s ready to lay down the law. Danielle needs to learn from him, Dakota needs to be neater, generally everyone needs to step up their game. Sabina need to step back and only work as a stylist.

The staff has the chance to relieve some stress as well. They’re going to beat the hell out of each other with Nerf bats. “Who would like to go one-on-one with Sabina?” Tabatha asks and Danielle jumps at the chance. She goes at the Sea Witch so hard she shreds the bat. There wasn’t much left for anyone else to start a second round. Tabatha wants Danielle to articulate her concerns. Danielle addresses Sabina, “You do not own me, you won’t be owning me anymore. You are not my parent, you are not my… demander!” she gets out before she starts to cry. Nik promises that he will not tolerate any disrespect in the salon.

Only violence.

Time for Nik to take another huge leap forward and demolish the mammoth front desk to kick off the renovations. After a couple good swings, the staff is dismissed with a ultimatum, behave or you won’t keep your job.
When they come back to Concerto, the salon has been repainted, the red walls have been covered and the salon is lighter and brighter. The staff loves the renovation.

Tabatha has XL gloves for Dakota and some words for the staff, Danielle has to assist everyone in the salon, Sabina has to be respectful, Nik has to be committed to his staff. With the exception of some petty bullshit (Sabina has an excuse for using a floor foil) the day goes well. Nik is making the rounds in the salon, he sees that he needs to guide his staff. Faris remarks that the day has been quiet, they haven’t heard Sabina screeching. She’s not totally hopeful that Sabina is changed, but if they all keep her in line, she thinks that they can keep the salon peaceful.

Nik is at Dakota’s station where the dolt is telling Nik about his base color selection. “I used 6R, 4N with a little bit of V-mix… I want it to be nice and dark, nice and base-y.” Nik takes this as an appropriate answer and goes to to help Danielle with her single process. They’re all surprised that Nik has stepped up. Natasha is proud of her dad, he seems happier.

Tabatha approaches Sabina for a one on one discussion. “You don’t strike me as a person that can roll over and keep her mouth shut,” she says to SeaBitcha. Sabina agrees, she thinks that Nik can lead if properly motivated, she’s not going to take on any more responsibility. “Nik is going to have to be a strong leader to keep control of his salon and his balls.” TC tells us.

If genital mutilation isn’t proper motivation, I just don’t know what is…

In final recommendations they agree that the day went well, it’s just a matter of making sure Nik keeps a hold on his salon. They face the staff together to announce that they’re on the right path, but consequences have to be in place in order to maintain order. Basic three strikes rule and they’re out on their ass. TC gives Nik a month of lessons with Master Shin to continue his journey of empowerment.

Six weeks later Tabatha is back and everyone says the change as survived. Everyone is getting along and Nik hasn’t hid from his professional responsibilities, change in ownership of his balls.

Next week Miss T is revisiting four of a salons from last season to see if the changes have lasted. Low mortality rate this season — maybe she’ll go Rambo next week and make up for it? Probably not, but I need the hope, I still have to watch one more episode. What do you think of Concerto Salon and T’s performance this season?