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Anyhow, we focus in on a place called SomberTown (just down the road from SeriousVille) which is ruled by a big fat bald slob of a mayor known as Burgermeister Meisterburger. Big Ol’ B.M.M.B. (or Boombie as I’m going to call him from now on) is sitting around being very German and gnawing on a giant plastic turkey leg one night when one of his slightly-less German (and definitely gayer) soldiers in a pencil-thin handlebar moustache bursts in carrying a bundle and saying that someone has left a baby on his front stoop!
Looks like there’s a note with it, too! Colonel Queenie Klink reads it to Boombie in a prissy English accent, “Please sir, take care of my child and protect him from the dangers of the Mountain Of The Whispering Winds™ (*which is also a secret pet nickname I have for my BF after he eats a lot of Taco Bell… -J-Mo*) He will be exceptional if only given the love he needs.” And that’s it. No further mention is made of the slutty little skank that actually had the kid, or why she just can’t be bothered to give him the love he needs in the first place. It’s prolly because back then there wasn’t a reality show like 16 And Pregnant around for her to get famous on, and let’s face it, babies are a total buzzkill. In any case, the only clue to the kid’s name is the medallion around it’s little neck that says “CLAUS” on it…
Boombie orders Queenie Klink to take the kid to the “orphan asylum”. Upon hearing this, the baby starts crying in that really snotty annoying cartoon way, causing Boombie to hastily order Klink to “Get da brat oud off heer!” Weird how he pronounces “brat” to rhyme with “flat” instead of the way a true German would (to rhyme with “plot”). Queenie Klink leaves with the little caterwauler, plonks him down on a sled and starts trudging through the snow and “Whispering Winds” towards the “orphan asylum” (which is clearly a thinly-veiled metaphor for “County CPS Facility”).
Suddenly, Klink stops humming the club remix of Hogan’s Heroes long enough to realize that the sled has broken away from him and is racing the other way down the hill! He immediately panics and starts screeching and running in circles, “Oh my goodness! Where ahh you Baby Claus?! Oh, dew come back! Come baaaaack!”
Well, we all know that most babies are like little NASCAR drivers when it comes to sledding, but clearly little Baby Claus is behind in his development and is probably too busy filling his diaper and becoming Smelly Claus to bother with steering himself back to Queenie Klink. Then the gale-force winds take over and blow his little sled right up the Mountain Of The Whispering Winds… which Freddie tells us is the home of the *gasp*…. Winter Warlock! W.W. (or DubDub, as he shall be known henceforth) lives all alone in a palace of ice “practicing his strange spells and snowy incantations”…