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Monday, December 24, 2012
10:00 am
19 Comments
Tagged: animation, Christmas TV special, claymation, funny, hilarious, Kris Kringle, recap, Santa Claus, sex, spoof, tvgasm
Anyhow, we focus in on a place called SomberTown (just down the road from SeriousVille) which is ruled by a big fat bald slob of a mayor known as Burgermeister Meisterburger. Big Ol’ B.M.M.B. (or Boombie as I’m going to call him from now on) is sitting around being very German and gnawing on a giant plastic turkey leg one night when one of his slightly-less German (and definitely gayer) soldiers in a pencil-thin handlebar moustache bursts in carrying a bundle and saying that someone has left a baby on his front stoop!
…yeah, that’s pretty much how I would react, too…
Looks like there’s a note with it, too! Colonel Queenie Klink reads it to Boombie in a prissy English accent, “Please sir, take care of my child and protect him from the dangers of the Mountain Of The Whispering Winds™ (*which is also a secret pet nickname I have for my BF after he eats a lot of Taco Bell… -J-Mo*) He will be exceptional if only given the love he needs.” And that’s it. No further mention is made of the slutty little skank that actually had the kid, or why she just can’t be bothered to give him the love he needs in the first place. It’s prolly because back then there wasn’t a reality show like 16 And Pregnant around for her to get famous on, and let’s face it, babies are a total buzzkill. In any case, the only clue to the kid’s name is the medallion around it’s little neck that says “CLAUS” on it…
…*sigh*… Why don’t people make itchy acrylic macramé wraps for their babies anymore?…
Boombie orders Queenie Klink to take the kid to the “orphan asylum”. Upon hearing this, the baby starts crying in that really snotty annoying cartoon way, causing Boombie to hastily order Klink to “Get da brat oud off heer!” Weird how he pronounces “brat” to rhyme with “flat” instead of the way a true German would (to rhyme with “plot”). Queenie Klink leaves with the little caterwauler, plonks him down on a sled and starts trudging through the snow and “Whispering Winds” towards the “orphan asylum” (which is clearly a thinly-veiled metaphor for “County CPS Facility”).
Suddenly, Klink stops humming the club remix of Hogan’s Heroes long enough to realize that the sled has broken away from him and is racing the other way down the hill! He immediately panics and starts screeching and running in circles, “Oh my goodness! Where ahh you Baby Claus?! Oh, dew come back! Come baaaaack!”
Well, we all know that most babies are like little NASCAR drivers when it comes to sledding, but clearly little Baby Claus is behind in his development and is probably too busy filling his diaper and becoming Smelly Claus to bother with steering himself back to Queenie Klink. Then the gale-force winds take over and blow his little sled right up the Mountain Of The Whispering Winds… which Freddie tells us is the home of the *gasp*…. Winter Warlock! W.W. (or DubDub, as he shall be known henceforth) lives all alone in a palace of ice “practicing his strange spells and snowy incantations”…
…and doing eerily accurate Cher impressions…
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19 Comments
YAY! JMo, you are my recap hero, I am so, so excited to see your name linked to a recap before Christmas! Waiting until Shear Genius seems like forever!!! Okay, now to actually read it
J-Mo;
Great job on dirtying up a kiddie favorite – I LOVE IT!! You are just hysterical!
Instead of Kris, I think they should have named him Pringle Kringle, but then he’d probably have gone out and made his fortune making potato crisps instead of toys. And this story would have been way different. And probably wouldn’t have been told, ‘cuz after all, what do spuds have to to with the Sweet Baby Jesus?
Anyway, it was a very enjoyable recap of a shitty special that just don’t hold a candle to RUDOLF (ok, or Charlie Brown).
Waiting patiently for Shear Genius! More hedge-clipper haircuts!
Lots O’ Love
PS – Loved the Bukakke Christmas Angel pic at the end! So nasty, but fucking hilarious!!
I was laughing non-stop! This made my workday MUCH more bearable! Thank you!
You are a RIOT!
Happy Holidays!
Ah, J-Mo, I can’t stop laughing and I’m only on page 1 of your mega-opus here but I have to work so I’ll have to hold off til later.
But I remember well the days of no-remote-controls and being held hostage by all those insanely insipid christmas specials (all of which were created by jews, of course) each year until, between the shows and those incessant nattering carols terrorizing the radio airwaves and the supermarket aisles, all I could do was wish that their fucking santa would catch fire in their goddamn fireplaces and burn the whole fucking lot of ‘em to the ground.
But I digress…. ;-D
Oh, J-Mo, you are too much. Thank you for all the laughs this year (especially today…am I the only sucker working or what?). Hope you and yours have a great holiday. And, yes, thankfully, you are very twisted…
A recap from J-Mo… BEST.PRESENT.EVAH!
Was your non-remote TV black and white? Cuz njgasmifan’s Dad refused to buy a color set till I think the 80′s. The Yule Log was especially pitiful in b&w….
Ah, the good ol days of robotic animation,cheesey stories and Burl Ives Christmas carols at the holidays. I alternate between a tear in my eye and feeling like Itchy when I remember those days.
Bluzgirl, fear not – you are not alone today
J-Mo – truly you are my hero. Thanks for the holiday ha ha ha’s. Sending big big hugs to you, BF, M-Mo and all. xoxo
No Bluzgirl – you are not alone!
J-mo – I think we had the same childhood except I was a chubby girl & how I loved these Xmas specials!! But even then I remember hating the songs in this one – especially that Toymaker to the King crap – just awful!! I tried to watch this special as an adult a couple times & my mind just wandered after the 1st 20 minutes so thanks for sticking with the whole thing. I laughed so hard at your missing Kringles – Mingle & Single.
Oh, & btw – I LOVED my Lite Brite back in the day! I kind of wish I still had one.
Happy Holidays everyone!
Your screencap
“…and the ritual of cyclic Precious-like abuse begins…”
also made me LMAO
J-Mo, thanks for taking another childhood memory and twisting it beyond all recognition. Actually after reading this I think we should point out that Santa Claus is the only man in the world who’s work clothes are a red velvet suit, who isn’t a pimp. Which is good because if you really wanted to twist Christmas having Santa suddlenly start saying things like “get in the sled!” and “my elf better have my money.” would be way way worse then somebody who likes to dress up like Cher.
Oh and on 70 TV’s at my house not only did you have to get up to change it, but when the knob broke and you had to use needle nose pliers? Good times my friends. Merry Christmas buddy!
Oh, wow, J-Mo. I’ve always been a bit creeped out by those claymation critters, but now … I see things in a whole new and disturbing light! I’d love to see your recap of Ruddy the Red Nosed Reindeer.
Loved your screencaps, BTW. This was an absolutely perfect recap. Thank you for so many laughs this year!
@waffleboy – we used the needle nose pliers, too! Thanks for the flashback!
LMAO J-Mo!! Where were you when my brother and I were forced to watch this total shit when we were kids? I hope the cretins that came up with this kid-torturing crap went to claymation hell where they have to listen to that horrible music for all eternity. The only thing missing from your hilarious recap is my dad saying “one of you kids get up and adjust the tin foil.” Back then you had to adjust the tin foil on the antennae every time you changed the channel. LOL
Oh my god! I loved HR Pufnstuf and Sigmund as a kid!! Maybe my mom did acid when she was pregnant with me!
Thanks for a hilarious take on what has always been a weird Christmas classic (for me at least)! Maybe next year you can recap The Year Without A Santa Claus – I’d love to hear your thoughts on Heat Meiser, Snow Meiser, and their mommy issues!
Love you lots! Hope you, your BF and your bulimic cat have a wonderful holiday!
SWAK, PottyMouth
If they remade this nowadays, the stupid animals would talk, Winter Warlock would be spelled ‘Wynter’, Queenie Klink would be considered doubly ‘racist’, Tante (Aunt, BTW) Kringle would lose all her accent and become a new version – ala Betty Crocker, the plotline would be more complex than the Matrix, and the songs would still suck.
BTW, nice tie-in w/Dirty Bear – and yes! KK DOES look like DB.
I always thought it was creepy how he’d watch the little ones sleeping at night. Ew!
The real metaphor for anti-gay sentiments is Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (although still a fav of mine!). All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names, they wouldn’t play with him…even Santa hated him and wanted his “nose”/gayness covered up by Donner. But then they all LOVED him when he could do something to help them…who knew Santa was a homophobe?
Another great recap – especially the “tie in with Jesus” and all the references to our 70s childhoods! Hilarious!
…and probably turgid and throbbing as well…
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Sooooo after the fact, but I knew this would be magically delicious . . .
I, for one, was not the jaded gasmi I am today!!! I loved all these “puppet” specials, and all the xmas bukkake, I mean, bull crappy . . . I swear, I once heard the reindeers land on my roof . . . sigh . . . ya gotta wonder what happened, eh!
J-mo, HEARTS AND FLOWERS ALWAYS!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This killed me the whole read. I was dying with laughter. These old movies are my favorite at Christmas, partially because of how easy it is to let my dark and twisted mind have fun. Nicely done.
And that picture at the end nearly made me fall of my seat laughing so hard.
BWAHAHAHAHA at the Bukkake Angel. BWAHAHHAHA!!
Thanks J-Mo for a hilarious recap of this old childhood staple. I never realized how downright weird these specials were when I was a kid, but now they crack me up even before your recapping – I hope you do “The Year Without a Santa Claus” next year – the final moment when Mickey Rooney screams “I dreamed unhappy things!” is so hysterical every time.
The only really witty moment in this one though (the show, not your recap, which was witty throughout) was when the reindeer were introduced – the narrator says “and of course, the most famous reindeer of all” and we get a shot of Rudolph looking all eager for his story to be told, but then the narrator says “but that’s another story” and we leave Rudolph where he is. That is the only thing that is intentionally funny to me in the show watching it as an adult.