Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town (To Watch Every Breath You Take)

Recaps

By J-Mo | Monday, December 24, 2012 | 10:00 am | 19 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Christmas Specials, Featured, Recaps

However, after their initial delight, the Little Urchin Girl wonders what Boombie’s gonna do about all this. Kris says if Boombie wants a toy he can have one. In fact, he’s saved a big red yo-yo for him. Then the Little Urchin Boy runs over to the rest of the Children Of The Corn and invites them to come play with all the new toys. Everybody’s ready to have a great time… until some Tight-Assed Bitch rolls up and puts the kibosh on that, reminding them they must not play with toys….

KrisJessica121809.JPG
…”Listen, sister, when he said ‘no more toys’, I don’t think Boombie was referring to your Vibra-Rabbit.”…

The Tight-Ass turns out to be Miss Jessica, the new schoolteacher. Kris introduces himself, and Tight-Ass immediately jumps all over him for wearing stupid clothes and making fun of her. This outburst is just random and irrational enough that I suspect Vibra-Rabbit bit the dust months ago. Tight-Ass also wants to know why he’s giving the children toys since they’re against the law now! If Boombie catches them they’ll all be in great danger! Kris gets very weird when he hears that toys are against the law…

KrisEyesGif121809.gif
…and if I were Tight-Ass, I’d be running as fast as my hoop-skirts would allow…

…but because she is a zealot, she stands her ground and starts reciting all the ways that toys are horrible, right up until Kris digs in his sack and hands her a little china doll, which just happens to be exactly like the one she always wanted when she was a little girl, but Mama & Papa Tight-Ass wouldn’t let her have one because they sucked just as much as the rest of this town does. Now that she’s got one, she sees that this is a silly law and wishes it did not exist…

JessicaDoll121809.JPG
…much like the dolly wishes Tight-Ass had used an Altoid or two after lunch…

Kris asks Tight-Ass (since, thanks to the dolly she’s been miraculously converted to Pro-Toyism in less than a minute) if she would help him pass out the toys to the children, and thus begins another creepy song with lyrics like, “If you sit on my lap today, a kiss, a toy is the price you’ll pay… when you tell what you wish for… in a whisper… be prepared to pay…”

KrisKids121809.JPG
…”…but some things we must neeeeever, eeeeever teeeeell…”…

Pretty soon all of the kids have run what became known as the Lumpy-Hard-PokeyLap (and Bad Breath) Gauntlet and there are now kids with brand new toys all over the place. But wait! Here comes Boombie and his cadre of Sturmdungen SchluffleWaffle Warriors to check and make sure everybody is glum. Except the kids aren’t glum, they’re playing with their new toys. Boombie immediately tries to arrest a couple of the children (and try them as adults I guess?) but Kris steps in and admits he’s the one who gave them the toys. Boombie then brands him a “nonconformist” and a “rebel” and orders that he be arrested, but before the SSW boys can so much as cuff him, he’s handed Boombie a great big gay-ly colored yo-yo…

BoombieYoYo121809.JPG
…who knew that yo-yos were Boombie’s kryptonite? Or that Queenie Klink loves mansmells?…

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J-Mo
About

J-Mo is a great big fat hairy homo (and he tends to be attracted to the same) who lives with his big fat non-hairy BF in the Valley Of The Sun, a.k.a. Phoenix, Arizona. By day he is an account manager for a giant corporate megaconglomerate and his greatest joy comes from not having to speak directly to the general public any more... also, he can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never never never let you forget you're a man.  By night (when he's not recapping) he is a co-choreographer (and the Fattest Backup Dancer In Captivity™) for one of Phoenix's most talented female impersonators known as Devina Ross.  He is also still a part of the Rhythm Nation.

19 Comments

  1. 1
    FinerThings
    Posted December 22, 2009 at 4:45 pm

    YAY! JMo, you are my recap hero, I am so, so excited to see your name linked to a recap before Christmas! Waiting until Shear Genius seems like forever!!! Okay, now to actually read it :D

  2. 2
    arizonatom arizonatom
    Posted December 22, 2009 at 10:35 pm

    J-Mo;

    Great job on dirtying up a kiddie favorite – I LOVE IT!! You are just hysterical!

    Instead of Kris, I think they should have named him Pringle Kringle, but then he’d probably have gone out and made his fortune making potato crisps instead of toys. And this story would have been way different. And probably wouldn’t have been told, ‘cuz after all, what do spuds have to to with the Sweet Baby Jesus?

    Anyway, it was a very enjoyable recap of a shitty special that just don’t hold a candle to RUDOLF (ok, or Charlie Brown).

    Waiting patiently for Shear Genius! More hedge-clipper haircuts!

    Lots O’ Love

    PS – Loved the Bukakke Christmas Angel pic at the end! So nasty, but fucking hilarious!!

  3. 3
    KrispyDixie
    Posted December 23, 2009 at 3:13 am

    I was laughing non-stop! This made my workday MUCH more bearable! Thank you!

    You are a RIOT!

    Happy Holidays! :D

  4. 4
    itchy
    Posted December 23, 2009 at 3:51 am

    Ah, J-Mo, I can’t stop laughing and I’m only on page 1 of your mega-opus here but I have to work so I’ll have to hold off til later.

    But I remember well the days of no-remote-controls and being held hostage by all those insanely insipid christmas specials (all of which were created by jews, of course) each year until, between the shows and those incessant nattering carols terrorizing the radio airwaves and the supermarket aisles, all I could do was wish that their fucking santa would catch fire in their goddamn fireplaces and burn the whole fucking lot of ‘em to the ground.

    But I digress…. ;-D

  5. 5
    bluzgirl
    Posted December 23, 2009 at 7:03 am

    Oh, J-Mo, you are too much. Thank you for all the laughs this year (especially today…am I the only sucker working or what?). Hope you and yours have a great holiday. And, yes, thankfully, you are very twisted…

  6. 6
    njgasmifan
    Posted December 23, 2009 at 7:59 am

    A recap from J-Mo… BEST.PRESENT.EVAH!

    Was your non-remote TV black and white? Cuz njgasmifan’s Dad refused to buy a color set till I think the 80′s. The Yule Log was especially pitiful in b&w….

    Ah, the good ol days of robotic animation,cheesey stories and Burl Ives Christmas carols at the holidays. I alternate between a tear in my eye and feeling like Itchy when I remember those days.

    Bluzgirl, fear not – you are not alone today :-)

    J-Mo – truly you are my hero. Thanks for the holiday ha ha ha’s. Sending big big hugs to you, BF, M-Mo and all. xoxo

  7. 7
    ohionancy
    Posted December 23, 2009 at 8:20 am

    No Bluzgirl – you are not alone!

    J-mo – I think we had the same childhood except I was a chubby girl & how I loved these Xmas specials!! But even then I remember hating the songs in this one – especially that Toymaker to the King crap – just awful!! I tried to watch this special as an adult a couple times & my mind just wandered after the 1st 20 minutes so thanks for sticking with the whole thing. I laughed so hard at your missing Kringles – Mingle & Single.

    Oh, & btw – I LOVED my Lite Brite back in the day! I kind of wish I still had one.

    Happy Holidays everyone!

  8. 8
    ohionancy
    Posted December 23, 2009 at 8:23 am

    Your screencap

    “…and the ritual of cyclic Precious-like abuse begins…”

    also made me LMAO ;)

  9. 9
    waffleboy09
    Posted December 23, 2009 at 9:14 am

    J-Mo, thanks for taking another childhood memory and twisting it beyond all recognition. Actually after reading this I think we should point out that Santa Claus is the only man in the world who’s work clothes are a red velvet suit, who isn’t a pimp. Which is good because if you really wanted to twist Christmas having Santa suddlenly start saying things like “get in the sled!” and “my elf better have my money.” would be way way worse then somebody who likes to dress up like Cher.
    Oh and on 70 TV’s at my house not only did you have to get up to change it, but when the knob broke and you had to use needle nose pliers? Good times my friends. Merry Christmas buddy!

  10. 10
    jennaboa
    Posted December 23, 2009 at 9:17 am

    Oh, wow, J-Mo. I’ve always been a bit creeped out by those claymation critters, but now … I see things in a whole new and disturbing light! I’d love to see your recap of Ruddy the Red Nosed Reindeer. :)

    Loved your screencaps, BTW. This was an absolutely perfect recap. Thank you for so many laughs this year!

  11. 11
    njgasmifan
    Posted December 23, 2009 at 9:21 am

    @waffleboy – we used the needle nose pliers, too! Thanks for the flashback!

  12. 12
    technotard
    Posted December 23, 2009 at 9:31 am

    LMAO J-Mo!! Where were you when my brother and I were forced to watch this total shit when we were kids? I hope the cretins that came up with this kid-torturing crap went to claymation hell where they have to listen to that horrible music for all eternity. The only thing missing from your hilarious recap is my dad saying “one of you kids get up and adjust the tin foil.” Back then you had to adjust the tin foil on the antennae every time you changed the channel. LOL

  13. 13
    PottyMouth
    Posted December 23, 2009 at 11:53 am

    Oh my god! I loved HR Pufnstuf and Sigmund as a kid!! Maybe my mom did acid when she was pregnant with me!

    Thanks for a hilarious take on what has always been a weird Christmas classic (for me at least)! Maybe next year you can recap The Year Without A Santa Claus – I’d love to hear your thoughts on Heat Meiser, Snow Meiser, and their mommy issues!

    Love you lots! Hope you, your BF and your bulimic cat have a wonderful holiday!

    SWAK, PottyMouth

  14. 14
    hutchlover
    Posted December 23, 2009 at 7:20 pm

    If they remade this nowadays, the stupid animals would talk, Winter Warlock would be spelled ‘Wynter’, Queenie Klink would be considered doubly ‘racist’, Tante (Aunt, BTW) Kringle would lose all her accent and become a new version – ala Betty Crocker, the plotline would be more complex than the Matrix, and the songs would still suck.

    BTW, nice tie-in w/Dirty Bear – and yes! KK DOES look like DB.

  15. 15
    dearcrabby
    Posted December 24, 2009 at 6:23 am

    I always thought it was creepy how he’d watch the little ones sleeping at night. Ew!

    The real metaphor for anti-gay sentiments is Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (although still a fav of mine!). All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names, they wouldn’t play with him…even Santa hated him and wanted his “nose”/gayness covered up by Donner. But then they all LOVED him when he could do something to help them…who knew Santa was a homophobe?

    Another great recap – especially the “tie in with Jesus” and all the references to our 70s childhoods! Hilarious!

  16. 16
    juddfan
    Posted January 4, 2010 at 3:19 pm

    …and probably turgid and throbbing as well…

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

    Sooooo after the fact, but I knew this would be magically delicious . . .

    I, for one, was not the jaded gasmi I am today!!! I loved all these “puppet” specials, and all the xmas bukkake, I mean, bull crappy . . . I swear, I once heard the reindeers land on my roof . . . sigh . . . ya gotta wonder what happened, eh!

    J-mo, HEARTS AND FLOWERS ALWAYS!!!!

  17. 17
    ellemck1
    Posted December 30, 2010 at 3:26 pm

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This killed me the whole read. I was dying with laughter. These old movies are my favorite at Christmas, partially because of how easy it is to let my dark and twisted mind have fun. Nicely done.

    And that picture at the end nearly made me fall of my seat laughing so hard.

  18. 18
    John Bender
    Posted December 31, 2010 at 11:30 pm

    BWAHAHAHAHA at the Bukkake Angel. BWAHAHHAHA!!

  19. 19
    readingfiend
    Posted January 30, 2012 at 7:16 pm

    Thanks J-Mo for a hilarious recap of this old childhood staple. I never realized how downright weird these specials were when I was a kid, but now they crack me up even before your recapping – I hope you do “The Year Without a Santa Claus” next year – the final moment when Mickey Rooney screams “I dreamed unhappy things!” is so hysterical every time.

    The only really witty moment in this one though (the show, not your recap, which was witty throughout) was when the reindeer were introduced – the narrator says “and of course, the most famous reindeer of all” and we get a shot of Rudolph looking all eager for his story to be told, but then the narrator says “but that’s another story” and we leave Rudolph where he is. That is the only thing that is intentionally funny to me in the show watching it as an adult.

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