Sarah Palin’s Alaska: Death of Dessert

Remember last week when we didn’t hate Sarah Palin because Kate Gosselin was sucking up all our bad feelings? Well, it’s another week, Kate’s gone and Sarah is going out of her way to be as vile, as hateful, as snotty as possible. Pour yourself a giant glass of haterade and let’s dive in!

Don’t worry, Moose. She’s not hunting during this episode.

Let me start by saying that this was one of the weakest hours of television programming I’ve ever seen. There was no plot and no storyline. Everything was disconnected and nothing made any sense. It’s like someone took a bunch of scraps of tape and edited them together in no particular order. Perhaps the show is a metaphor for Sarah Palin’s life…

Even she doesn’t know what’s going on.

The first half of the episode is about a family camping trip. If you were telling someone a story about a camping trip, how would it begin? You’d probably start with something camping related, right? Not this show. This show starts with 30 seconds of footage of Sarah preparing to appear on Fox Business Channel’s “Freedom Watch With the Judge.” I’m not familiar with this show, and I’m OK with that. It looks pretty terrible. And it’s completely irrelevant to the storyline of this episode, unless the whole point is to get you interested in watching this show on Fox Business Channel, in which case this was more of a commercial within a commercial, and not a key point to the story.

Todd whispers something about a fish that Piper made being in the camera shot, and Sarah says some super nonsensical things on the air, about harnessing the energy of the Judge – who hosts the show – to get America closer to energy independence. And then the Palins’ work is done for the day and they can prepare for their camping trip. They’re going to “get away from it all; certainly get away from the press,” Sarah says.

Comments like that make my head hurt. You just did an appearance on a national news show from the comfort of your in-house television studio. How hard are you trying to get away from the press? Quit lying! No one’s buying it.

The family loads up their monster RV for the two day road trip. That thing is HUGE. If they got rid of that beast America would be a lot closer to energy independence and environmental responsibility.

Powered by infant seals.

Because their vehicle is the size of a tractor trailer, the entire Palin family is going, including the kids, Sarah’s parents, and her nephew Happy is back!

Holla!

I love that kid… So the family is going to explore the Talkeetna mountain range, a place that the Palins have been terrorizing for the past 40 years. As they ride, Trig entertains them by playing music on an iPhone and dancing. When Willow takes the iPhone away, he grunts in frustration and Sarah grunts back. I suppose that was intended to be cute, but it just reminded me of the awful things Levi Johnston said in a Vanity Fair article a few months back, about the terrible way Sarah supposedly treats Trig. It doesn’t help that while Trig’s raising the roof, mama is pretending that she’s not looking at her Crackberry.

“Mama will play with you as soon as she checks out this
naughty e-mail forward from Bill O’Reilly.”

Parenting is difficult, and it takes a special person to raise a child with disabilities or special needs. Recognizing that, I haven’t touched this subject in the re-caps before. But this scene made me feel icky. Fortunately, Mud Flap is here to make me all better! What, you ask, is a mud flap? Mud Flap is a long-haired, wild man who will be guiding the Palins down a river on a white water rafting trip. I love white water rafting and on the couple times I’ve been, the guides have been just like Mud Flap.

Don’t be fooled by this calm photo. Mud Flap’s favorite
word is “whoooo!”

Mud Flap gets the Palins dressed in wet suits — or as he calls them, “Alaskan tuxedos” — and then gives them the safety talk. The safety talk for white water rafting is terrifying. You realize pretty early on that you’re never going to remember to do all of the things your guide is telling you to do in case you fall out of the boat. “We’re not going to a Star Trek convention, we’re not going to the moon,” Mud Flap says. I think he may already be on the moon.

As they get into the boat, Piper slips and falls into the shallow water. Sarah tells her not to use Mud Flap’s mullet as a towel. Rude and lame. And he clearly doesn’t have a mullet. A mullet is business in the front, party in the back. There’s nothing about Mud Flap that says “business.”

Now that’s a mullet.

Sarah says she wants an extraordinary ride, so she sits in the front of the boat. They hit the rapids and Mud Flap loses his shit. “I love my life! I love my life!” he screams from the stern of the boat. Soon, Sarah’s screaming it, too.

Eventually, everyone makes it out of the water alive, including Sarah’s 72-year-old dad, who’s a trooper, and they all board the RV again to continue on. As they ride, Sarah and Piper play with Trig and practice his sign language with him. This leads to some reflections from Sarah. “Trig is the light of my life. People are jerks about Trig being born with Down Syndrome. 85 – 90% of babies are aborted with Down Syndrome. They can have their opinion, but we have ours.” Yikes. That’s depressing. Did someone tell her she should have gotten an abortion? I can’t really imagine that happening, but if this is one of the rare occasions when she’s not being paranoid, I say she should have slugged whoever said it.

Sarah is cleaning the RV when Willow gets a text from her “friend” Andy. Willow announces that Andy will be joining them on the trip, and Sarah makes a face and tells Willow to talk to Todd about it. Willow says she likes Andy because he’s quiet and funny and she gets excited to see him. Sounds reasonable for 16-year-old puppy love.

At least someone’s excited about this.

“Willow & Andy sittin’ in a tree…”

All of a sudden, Sarah has a hankering for s’mores. As she goes through the cabinets looking for marshmallows and chocolate, she starts muttering to herself like a crazy person: “This is in honor of Michelle Obama who said the other day we should not have dessert.” What?! That’s not even true… Michelle Obama is not opposed to all dessert ever. She’s opposed to fat, unhealthy little piglets mouth breathing their way from the couch to the kitchen. Even other Republicans are calling Palin out on this one.

Quit lying to Happy. You’re taking away his reason for existing.

Willow’s friend Andy arrives and Sarah says “I told her, yes, her little friend Andy could drive up if he’d help out.” She’s so condescending. Something tells me Levi Johnston dodged a real bullet by not marrying into this family. Next, Sarah talks about the mistakes her kids make being on the front of the National Enquirer, “which sucks for them.” Maybe she’s drunk. That has to be it. That’s the only reason I can think of for someone to be so hostile to the world in general.

It’s the second day of the camping trip and the Palins are on the road again. Happy’s mom texts Sarah and asks her to remind Happy to shower, brush his teeth and put on deodorant. Ew. It sounds like Happy has a hygiene problem. It’s a good thing his mom and aunt are prepared to put him on front street on national TV for it. They’ll embarrass him into not stinking.

Up next for the Palins: 4-wheeling. They have a friend named Bones who lives in an old abandoned mining camp, so they’re riding out to visit him. They have to take 4-wheelers because where they’re going, they don’t need roads. OMG, I cannot wait to meet this dude. Aside from having a badass name, he lives in a gold mining camp. “It’s nice to get the heck away from idiots and bloggers who don’t like our family,” Sarah says. Newsflash, genius, it’s you they don’t like. And it’s because you’re a divisive, lying, whining, greedy little pig.

Feel free to drive that thing right off a cliff…

On with the 4-wheeling…. They ride through mud, water and along trails until they come across two random dudes shooting clay pigeons in the wilderness. By now, we’re 20 minutes into an episode without guns, so Sarah stops and asks if she can fire off a couple of rounds. They hand over their weapons and Sarah shoots a couple of pigeons and screeches “I shattered it!” a couple times. Then they’re off again.

I thought we were going to go an entire episode without
seeing this.

Eventually, we get to the gold mining camp where Bones lives. He’s seated outside waiting for them and, wow, he looks like he started mining for gold with the original 49ers. He looks incredibly lost and confused as Sarah hugs him… but later tells us she’s like a sister to him. He looks so old and fragile – the thought of him being out in the middle of nowhere makes me nervous. And sure enough, by the end of the show we find out that Bones passed away earlier this year.

RIP Bones

So Bones lives out in the woods and pans for gold. And Sarah even wore some of the gold jewelry he gave her during the presidential election. So to all you people out there who claimed she was spending tens of thousands of dollars on ridiculously expensive clothes and accessories during the campaign – Forget You and your receipts proving it. She was wearing homemade jewelry the whole time!

Sarah’s brother gives Piper a lesson on panning for gold. She finds a couple little pieces and yells out eureka!, which is what you say when you find gold.

If she was smart, she’d have Cash4Gold on the phone right now.

After finding their fool’s gold, the Palins go fossil hunting, and Sarah calls them the nerd family of America. The crack open some rocks, find some fossils, and Sarah tells us that she wishes the entire exterior of her house was made from fossils. Siiiighhh…. The inside of this woman’s brain must be a bizarre and terrifying place.

The camping trip ends, and the entire family heads to Sarah’s parent’s place for a cook out. As in previous episodes, we get another look at the myriad and sundry animal parts that are lying around, along with the 14-foot high pile of antlers he keeps in the yard. Chuck mentions that he’s had opportunities to sell the monstrosity, but he didn’t because he likes keeping it as a conversation piece.

“People always ask what’s wrong with me – and that leads
to all sorts of interesting conversations.”

My dad is the Cliff Clavin of Alaska, Sarah says. “He’ll blow you away with what he knows.” <nerd voice> Um, in episode three, at the 40 minute mark, you clearly stated that you are the Cliff Clavin of Alaska, Ms. Palin. So which is it? Hmmmmnn? </nerd voice> Seriously, what’s up with the multiple Cheers references? I bet she tells people she’s a Sam kinda gal, when you know Frasier is the one who really does it for her.

Speaking of sexy, sexy romance, I bet you were wondering how Cupid first struck Screeching Sarah and Silent Todd. Why, it happened on the basketball court of all places! When Sarah was in high school, Todd transferred over and pretty soon she set her sights on the new boy in town. The rest is history.

Who could resist such feathered hair?

Piper and Sarah are headed to Anchorage for a little one-on-one time and to run some “errands.” First stop, a restaurant called Peggy’s, where they’re going to pick up some delicious pies for “friends.” As they pull up to the restaurant in their Toyota (I’m shocked they don’t have an American-made car), Sarah tells Piper they’re going to offer to help once they get inside and that if tourists want to meet them, they have to be gracious.

Once inside, they meet Nancy, who is the owner of Peggy’s. That’s confusing. I’m calling her Peggy. She looks like a Peggy anyway. Sarah recalls how hard she used to work as a waitress back in the day, and since she and Piper have some time to kill, she’d like to disrupt everyone’s day, backup the kitchen and anger the customers by serving food, too.

“Michelle Obama doesn’t want you to have sandwiches, either
but I’m not gonna let some stuck up lib tell me what ta eat!”

Piper shadows Sarah as she takes orders, makes lame jokes and signs menus. “My mom’s doing horrible as a waitress,” Piper says loudly. “I wouldn’t tip her.” Ha! You and me both, kid. Of course, because Piper is an adorable, mouthy nine-year-old, the customers tip her instead. Sarah is pleased about the whole thing, saying that Piper now knows what hard work is all about.

“Hang on. My mom’s busy force feeding pie to fat people.”

Now that the restaurant is in complete disarray, Sarah and Piper grab their pies and walk out. You know what Piper is in addition to being cute and a smartass? She’s a back seat driver, that’s what. Ugh. Don’t those people drive you crazy? “You’re in the wrong lane.” “Why are you going so fast?” “Stop texting.” “You just passed the police.” “Now is not the right time to put on liquid eye liner.”

Little back seat drivers need to sit back
and have a juice box full of STFU.

So what’s next on the list of errands? Oh, it’s a trip to a kennel. You know how that goes. Pick up dry cleaning. Check. Get a bottle of wine for the dinner party this weekend. Check. Go to the kennel. Sarah’s depressed that Piper would prefer to hang out with friends rather than focus on her attention-starved mama. So she’s bribing Piper with pies and puppies. Kids like sugar and animals, so this is a sure way to win her love and keep her from getting pregnant out of wedlock.

They’re not going to just any kennel, though. They’re going to the kennel of Martin Buser. Martin is a four-time Iditarod champion. It’s been awhile since he’s won, but he holds the record for having finished the race in the shortest time ever – eight days, 22 hours, 46 minutes and two seconds. So he’s pretty bad ass. He’s also got a rough and rugged looking face, which is countered by his light Swiss accent.

What you look like after 9 days in some of the worst
weather on the planet.

Martin has a whole buttload of huskies at his kennel and he’s training them to be sled dogs. It’s clear that these animals love to mush. They completely freak out with joy when he harnesses them to a sled. He also takes Piper to see some new puppies and they name one of the dogs Piper, which is pretty cool. Or as Sarah says: “that’s a big darn deal!”

Always running. Never going anywhere.

Let’s see, what’s next on our list of errands? Oh! Right after “pick up milk” it says “hire helicopter to take us to a glacier so we can see more dogs.” Alrighty, then. Just a normal day of errand-running. Also on the list – have glam squad re-do hair, makeup and styling. And now that Sarah looks like Peggy Hill, they’re ready to hit that glacier.

Based on previous episodes of the show this little guy could
get clubbed, hooked or shot at any moment.

Over on the snowy glacier we meet more dog trainers and more puppies! They have some adorable little ones running around and fighting in the snow. They get the lead dog, Nutmeg, into a harness and Martin says that a lot of the lead dogs are females, because they’re the alphas in the group. “…[T]he females are the more intelligent ones,” Sarah sniffs, flipping her hair back, mean girl style.

Once two groups of dogs are harnessed, Martin and another trainer take Sarah and Piper out on the sleds. It looks fun, but freakin’ cold. Can you imagine spending nine days doing that? When they get back to camp, Sarah asks if she can take the dogs out on her own. I would looove to know how much TLC paid Martin and his trainers for all of this. You know they just got funded for the next three Iditarods.

“The pile of money they gave me was this high.”

Of course, they let her go out by herself with animals that must, collectively, be worth millions of dollars. But whateva. Sarah wants her daughter to think that she’s cool, so she’s allowed to do what she wants. So, is Piper impressed? Not really. She says Sarah’s a better car driver than musher. Nice.

So, there you have it. That’s what happened during one of the worst hours of television ever made. Some sort-of famous people did a bunch of stuff. That’s what the name of this show should be: People You Recognize Who Do Things. Two more episodes of this schlock left! What do you think the Palins will do next week? Floss? Check their e-mail? Have a snack and spoil their appetites for dinner? I can’t wait to see the next exciting installment!

That’s it for this week — if you celebrate Christmas, I hope it’s a happy one! And if you don’t, have an amazing weekend!