Schoonie’s BB Finale Segments

ONE

Julie Chen is wearing…I don’t even know how to describe it. It is an Haute Couture Snuggie, possibly. It is the graduation robe for your small town’s alternative learning facility, the one where the pregnant girls go, where they can earn their GED without dealing with the judgmental eyes of their classmates.

The audience has (been provided) signs that cheer on people such as Russell. I mean, come on, we are supposed to believe that an audience member liked Russell so much that he or she took the time to decorate and prepare a sign in advance of tonight’s festivities? Yeah, go Russell, cast that vote! Julie tells us that seventy-three days ago, the Big Brother houseguests entered the house. You guys, we have been watching this show for seventy-three days. Noting all the ways in which that is depressing would take almost as long as the previouslies segment.

We’re going to find out who wins later, BUT FIRST (sniff?) the houseguests are all lobbying to secure a spot in the final two. We flashback to Natalie’s bitchface from when she lost part two of the final HOH competition, which I could watch over and over and never tire of. To those of you that mentioned that Natalie was somehow trying to be terrible at all the competitions this season and that this constituted some sort of strategy, I submit to you this moment. Jordan tells us that she didn’t want to rub it in Natalie’s face, which is nice because Natalie hasn’t exactly been gracious in victory.

Kevin says that this situation is perfect for him, because it gives him a much better opportunity to get rid of Natalie. Natalie tells us that her only focus at this point is to work both of the other houseguests and get them to take her to the end. After the last live show, Natalie mopes in that stupid bed she’s been lying around in all season, which should be lit on fire immediately at the conclusion of this hour.

She whines that she thinks Kevin isn’t going to keep the deal. Here’s the exchange, roughly:

Natalie: “I really hope that you’ve been loyal and faithful to me, Kevin, and will take me to the Final Two.”
Kevin: (blank stare of utter disdain)

Natalie gets called to diary room, and Kevin takes the opportunity to try and close the deal with Natalie. Jordan tells him that it’s a bit scary, because she doesn’t think that Kevin will take her at all. He tells her that he’s “one thousand percent” sure that he’s going to take her to the end. Oh, Kevin, that will only confuse Jordan, bringing percentages into the deal. That’s like trying to teach your dog to read.

Jordan tells us that she’s lying to Kevin, and she’s actually planning on taking Natalie to the end because Kevin’s won so many more competitions than her, and thus will look more favorable to the jury. Good for Jordan, even though her logic is a bit off. She’s unwittingly benefiting from the jury’s increasing hatred for Natalie.

Later, Kevin goes to take a nap in the backyard and Natalie tries to bond with Jordan. “I hope we stay friends after this, because you’re just like my girlfriends back at home,” Natalie says. That is bullshit for two reasons: 1)if that were true, you would have been hanging out with her the whole time, and 2)I’d like to meet these “girlfriends” of which you speak, because I bet they’re actually DUDES.

Apparently, Jordan really is planning on taking Natalie, because she spills everything Kevin has said right to her. She says her deal with Nat is genuine because it gives her a better opportunity than taking Kevin would. They also say that they’ll give their vote to the other person if they end up evicted. Yeah, can’t you see Natalie voting for Jordan over Kevin? I totally can. I bet she puts the key into the box with her nostrils.

In the backyard, Kevin and Natalie talk, and Kevin tells Natalie that he’s pretty sure he’d lose to either of them, which he doesn’t know is the exact opposite of the truth. Natalie tells Kevin that some people vote strategically and some vote personally, so it’s difficult to tell, and if he kicks her out she’s definitely gonna vote personally. As we all know, she totally would have voted strategically otherwise.

Kevin tells her that he thinks he played better than anyone, which is true, and in response, Natalie does what Natalie does: “acting” like an immature teenager (in order to “fool” other people into thinking that she’s naïve) and telling Kevin that he’s full of shit. He’s obviously pretty convinced that he’s screwed, but she seems to think that it’s some sort of plea for attention or something, I don’t know. I’m just so tired of Natalie, you guys. After tonight, I can forget her forever! I’m going to Eternal Sunshine her right the fuck out of my brain, not even kidding.

FOUR

The final competition is the same thing it is every year: the people competing have to complete inane statements made by the jury members, and it is almost entirely a crapshoot. First up, Jessie: Did he say the best thing about being in the house was A) the ladies, OH YEAH (Julie’s line reading must be heard to be believed) or B) getting the time to work on his amazing calves? The answer is apparently A, even though it could have been either. You could literally flip a coin, and it would work the same way as this competition. Think about that.

And now, Lydia. Did she say that the moment in the house that irritated her the most was A) every time Michele opened her mouth, or B) when Jeff got the Coup D’état? The answer is B, and Jordan ties it up, much to the audience’s delight. If Russell could go back in time, he would change A) how much he told Michele, or B) some of the things he said to Chima? The answer is A (because no one cares about Chima, ever), and Jordan takes the lead by one point. Did Jeff say that the fatal error he made was A) not winning the last POV, or B) getting rid of Russell a week too soon? The real answer is B, of course, but the question is what Jeff thinks, not what’s actually true, and he picks A. Kevin gets it right and ties it up. They both get the question about Michele right (she thinks Jessie needs a reality check, apparently), so it’s time for a tiebreaker! OMG, what will happen?

The tiebreaker question is actually quantifiable instead of a shot in the dark: how many total votes to evict have been cast on the show this season? This question can be solved with math, which made me fear for Jordan immediately, I’m not going to lie.

Jordan guesses 50, and Kevin guesses 80. The real answer is 51 (!) which means Jordan is the final Head of Household! Wow, that is unbelievable, frankly. When I saw their responses, I personally thought the answer would be much closer to 80, so kudos to Jordan. Jordan starts crying, and the audience completely loses their shit because this means Natalie probably isn’t going to win, which is all anyone wants at this point. Well, that and the crucifixion of Kanye West, apparently.

BREAK

SEVEN

Time for final statements. Jordan says that she wanted to stay true to her alliances and says that people thought of her as the harmless person and that she wanted to make people ignore her and that she was scared and that she is proud of herself and there are some other things and it is one big long run-on sentence, but she answered the jury questions really well so that’s okay, she gets a freebee. She also makes one really good point, which is that she didn’t need anyone else to help over the past two weeks when she’s won many competitions, and that it showed she’s a much was a better competitor than everyone thought. In short, she actually accomplished exactly what Natalie has been pretending to do, which is “lose” early competitions and win later ones. Ironic, no?

Natalie says that she didn’t win the most competitions in the game, but that she felt that she had to win the most in order to get to the end. Wait, what? She yammers on forever about how Jeff put her up with Jessie because he was a power player, which somehow proves that she was playing the game hard too, as if the decision to put up Natalie had to do with anything other than a desire to cripple Jessie somehow. In a worst-case scenario that week, Natalie would have gone home and Jessie would have been weakened at least a bit as a result. It wasn’t about being threatened by Natalie whatsoever, duh. Natalie continues, saying that she was aligned with Jessie, Chima, Ronnie and Kevin and has never lied to any of them. Well, except for that whole lie about being eighteen. Oh, and then that other lie about Pandora’s Box.

And with that, it’s time to vote already. Well, that was quick. So Jessie is up first, he says “Hakuna Matata” to Jordan, which I’m guessing is some sort of inside joke about the Coup D’état. Lydia goes next, and she says “Jordan, I love a good blonde,” and then everyone laughs, because there’s apparently a joke in there somewhere.

Natalie watches as her friends continue to make it apparent that they’ll be voting for Jordan. I’m sure she thought the bitterness and pettiness and faux-morality she rallied under with these people was valid when it was directed with little reason at others like Casey, or Jeff, or most of all, Michele. But what happens when those same people decide you’re the one who’s been hurting them all along? How’s it feel, Natalie, to have that same dishonor and morality bullshit you’ve been feeding the other houseguests for months get thrown right back at you? The moral of the story this season is that when you’re an ass and you hang out with a bunch of other asses, you’re eventually all going to shit on each other. Reap that shit, yo.

Anyway, voting continues. Russell says he voted for the person who played the best game. Jeff tells Jordan he’s very proud of her, which causes the audience to swoon, and he’s like “I know, I know.” Michele says she’s voting for the strongest female in the game. Wait, you can still vote for Laura? Finally, Kevin says he was going to vote for who is cuter, but he can’t, so he’s voting strategically. Kevin has gotten much more endearing these past few weeks, I must say. I would not have minded a Kevin win in the least.

After Julie explains that America cast the seventh vote, she locks it in herself. She has some trouble with the key, because those Snuggie arms do not allow for as much flexibility as the commercials would have you believe. Ooh, I wonder if that dress came with a Magic Booklight?

TEN

Time to find out who wins! America’s Vote goes to Jordan, obviously. Jessie also voted for Jordan, because: petty and bitter and hypocritical. We’ve covered this. Lydia: ditto, because: ditto. Russell voted for Natalie, and then Jeff’s vote is for Jordan, and it takes Julie a second to realize that Jeff’s vote is the winner for Jordan. But: Jordan wins! Wow. That, I did not expect.

Jordan comes tearing out of the house, hugging her mom and what I am assuming is her brother, because they could be fraternal twins, no joke. Anyway, as we head to commercial we see that Ronnie is somehow the first in like to hug her, which is gross in about nine different ways. There are not enough showers in the world.

And with that, I am out. Well, until Thursday. Survivor time, bitches! And propers to Flip and Copy for a hilarious season.