Scott Baio: A BRAWNX TALE

Sometimes, going back home can be a difficult thing to do — revisiting old pals and family and pretending to give a shit can take a toll on anyone. For Chachi, it’s all of the above mixed in a canole dish of VH1-served Brooklyn stereotypes.

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Way better than an Emmy.

Last time we left Chachi, he had been relieved that Joanie excused his boyish and immature “eww babies!?” behavior by saying it was nothing but cold feet. We saw Chachi promise to treat his wife better. We even saw Chachi shed an AUTHENTIC tear.

Some days later, you kinda forget about all the pseudo-emotion when Chachi attends another session of the Daddies To Be parenting class.

The instructor, who resembles a Jewish Moby, opens the class by saying there are 3 styles of parenting.

Moby presents a posterboard with a bunch of connecting circles, citing examples of an Authoritarian Parent, a Consoler Parent, and a Nurturing Parent.

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“I also teach a course in MSPaint.”

Chachi, like anyone with a sense of logic and clear reasoning, says this graphic is a bullshit design that doesn’t really show the realities of everyday parenting; he adds that a good parenting unit is a combination of all three in case-by-case scenarios.
Wow.

Don’t know about you guys, but it’s like the only time I’ve ever been impressed by this guy.

Though he made a good case, it’s safe to say Chachi is the most stubborn guy in the world, right up there with Andy fucking Rooney.

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“Ya know what I don’t like? Life.”

Latino Guy interjects, with all the glory of his comedic accent.

“Joo know, Scaht, before I had baby, I try to figure out how to raise him… so I went to Brazil to remind me of how I was raised. It help a lot.”

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“Also, the ass is cheap.”

It sparks Chachi’s interest, but we know that’s only because VH1 will put him in business class.

That night, Chachi meets up with DA GUYS at DA BATTING CAGES.

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Manly man stuff.

Chachi lets DA GUYS know that he’s going to take Latino Guy’s advice and head back to his home roots to see how he was raised, just to better understand how to be a parent. Johnny V is, like, “Alright! I’ll pack my bags!!!” and Chachi, after remembering how awful of company he is, was, like, “Uh, NO.” MODED.

Remember “MODED”? And you did the little M thing with your hand? Awesome.

Steve asks Chachi if Joanie can fly. “If she can,” chachi says, “I’ll stick her in cargo.”

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HEY-YO!!! Nothing like some good ol’ Scott Peterson humor.

The next day Chachi asks Joanie if she’d like to come with him to Brooklyn, because she could probably learn a thing or seven. Joanie says she can’t fly, because she’s got a demon in her stomach, and Chachi couldn’t look any happier to have a justified reason to be alone again.

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[inaudible]

Maybe he should just throw Joanie in the river! HEY-YO!!!

Maybe he should take her to Aruba! HEY-YO!!!

Maybe he should introduce her to Ron Goldman! HEY-YO!!!

Joanie then tells Chachi that since he’s leaving for a few days, she totally wants to fuck. Totally not kidding. Pregnant sex? GUH-ROSSSSSS……

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“UGHHH…”

ROMANCE.

To Brooklyn they go!

In the airplane, Chachi is stuck in class surrounded by obnoxious babies, and he claims that he won’t be that annoying parent who brings a kid on a five hour flight.

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Holy fucking shit, are you Scott Baio!??!?!?!

Upon landing, Chachi realizes he’s still upset that he’s going to have a girl. Holyfuckingshit, Scott, get over it.

A BRONX TALE

Driving around Brooklyn, Chachi says his entourage back in the day was no different except that he and his homies chased tail and played “stick-bawl.”

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Because, you know, in the ’60s, kids loved homages to the late 19th century.

Hitting a neighborhood park, Chachi runs into an old friend from his happy days. They take a stroll to another side of the park where they see a bunch of old Italian guys playing…

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…BOCCI BALL. Where’s the spaghetti?

One of these old men happened to be one of Chachi’s mentors as a kid, and after being asked by Chachi what’s the secret to raising a kid, the old man said, “Kiss it and love it. Let him grow and watch it.”

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“And don’t raise the kid in any place that has a 310 or 323 area code.”

At an old Brooklyn sandwich joint, Chachi sees that the sandwiches are named after a bunch of celebs. Let’s see, ya got Joe Pesci… Dean Martin… Frank Sinatra…

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“Where’s mine?”

STOP THE PRESSES: BAIO CLAIMS TO DESERVE NAMED SANDWICH AMONGST LEGENDS

A bunch of old pals meet up with Chachi, some guys he’s nicknamed The Kid and The Ringleader and The Lawyer (I’m going to barf, seriously) and they all shoot the shit about Chachi being a dad.

One guy gives some advice about baby teething: “Put some scotch on the kid’s mouth.”

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“And then give it a gun and call it Tony.”

“The Ringleader” warns — to much of Chachi’s dismay — to be careful of raising a girl.

“All they do is cry. You can’t sleep. 15 years from now, when she gets her first period, she’ll just bark at you.”

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Chachi Worry Meter = Red Alert

That night, Joanie and Chachi talk about the kid — baby’s gonna have the weight of a small bag of rice, and Chachi realizes that all of his friends have already had kids who’ve moved out.

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Should’ve had a kid when you were allegedly playing stick-bawl, Scott.

On his way to his childhood home, Chachi sees that the deli had named a sandwich after him. Chachi is excited. For the first time ever, he’s garnered validation.

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Way better than an Emmy.

Arriving at the relatively small house, Chachi couldn’t believe its size, and how his father retained his sanity with so many kids in a small space. Oh, hilarious relativity!

Oh, this part is good: Another one of Chachi’s friends runs into him in the neighborhood and tells him, “Let’s go say hi to my motha!”

BEHOLD:

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HEY MA!!!!!! HO!!! HEY MA!!!

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WHATT??????? SCAHT? IS DAT SCAHT?!??

A trip to the Catholic school Chachi went to as a kid proved really weird and gross. He’d run into an old teacher he had the hots for, and it’s safe to say that, over time, Chachi’s acquired a better taste.

Still seeking answers, Chachi asks his teacher how the hell he’s supposed to raise a girl.

“All she needs is love.”

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“And all you need is me.”

Chachi’s not convinced, and running out of friends to get advice from, he looks to the man upstairs for answers.

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Seeing Scott Baio pray is sort of like seeing the universe collapse in itself.

After getting on his knees and singing Proud Mary, he meets up with a nun and admits he did the whole getting-married-and-then-having-a-kid thing backwards.

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“First item of business: Was it Proud Mary or Hail Mary?”

Chachi also admits to having high anxiety over having a kid and, being the little bitch that he is, complains about not knowing the abilities of loving a child. And, alas, we look into the real anxiety of Scott Baio: He’s really upset that his dad, who passed away some years ago, can’t be present to witness the boldness and triumph of parenting his son had the maturity and balls to take on. It’s a touching moment, and also a holyfuckingshit moment when we see Chachi break down again in church.

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You should really avoid churches, man.

The nun says it’s all good ‘cos pops is not going to miss a thing, because in heaven everyone has a front seat!

Being in touch with the Lord seems to have really helped Chachi in dealing with family issues.

Flying back to LA, Chachi learns that the secret to raising a family is with love — a kind of love that will make you cry. Aw.

Didn’t OJ once cry in public, too? HEY-YO!!!