Nina Simone once sang “It’s a new dawn / it’s a new day / it’s a new life for me,” but Scott Baio had never heard of her. Anyway, in today’s episode of Regarding Chachi, the baby finally pops out and before all the birthing chaos happens, we see Chachi breakdown for the umptillionth time and even go cold turkey in education. Bust out whatever paraphernalia you’ve got laying around – this is a motherfucking ONE-HOUR EDITION!!!
“Listen, kid — you ruin my life anymore and I’ll turn into Alec Baldwin.”
Joanie and Chachi first head off to the hospital to see a tour of the baby facilities. Like Chachi said, he wanted to see the place his baby’s life would start, and the place where his life would end. Oh, paternal sentiment!
“HEY. BAIO. YOU. ME. FLAGPOLE. NOW.”
At the baby-viewing wing, where there’s a bunch of babies lined up like those energy sucking placentas in The Matrix, Chachi continues his bitchfest of Whiny Bitch Dad proportions. Chachi asks, “Why do the babies have those suction things on their noses?!?!”
BECAUSE BABIES DON’T WANT TO SUFFOCATE ON THEIR FUCKING SNOT, SCOTT. THAT’S WHY.
It’s like this guy’s never seen or even heard of a baby. It’s no wonder that he didn’t get the part in Children of Men:
JULIANNE MOORE’S LAME-ASS ACTIVIST CHARACTER: We must save and protect Kee! She’s the first fertile human in over 25 years!!!
Upon viewing the pregnancy bed, Chachi reacts like me when I’m watching some stupid show called “Scott Baio is 46 and Pregnant” by sitting down and putting his head between his legs and nearly puking. The doctor giving the tour brings Chachi a cup of cold water, but we really know that what this guy really needs a shot of Patron, an eightball of blow, and maybe Pat O’Brien’s phonebook. This memorable meltdown was followed by a quick tour of the bathroom.
Scott, the cat’s not in the cradle yet.
On their way out, Joanie and Chachi run into a couple who just had a kid down the hallway. Chachi starts interrogating the father by asking him if his life had changed. The obvious answer came, and Chachi added, “Do you get to golf anymore?”
“No,” the new father answers, “I have to raise my child now.”
Gotta bring up something a few readers left in the comments section recently – first off, thanks for reading and putting in your two cents. Secondly, the fact that this is Joanie’s SECOND child is a VERY interesting and invisible factor to this entire show.
In the series, we never see Joanie’s first child. Hell, her first child isn’t even mentioned, as if the kid never even existed. Was it a demon baby? Is the baby invisible? There’s no way in hell she’d lose custody over a kid in court; she’s too much of an oblivious dunderhead to put together a defensible argument. I’m putting all my chips in on invisible child.
Whatever; point is, Joanie and Chachi leave – Joanie with excitement, Chachi with the imminent and diminishing number of golf games in his future. Asshole.
Waukin’ da mile!!!!
At the next Daddies To Be session, Moby opened class with another stupid graphic poster with a bunch of gross pictures of a pregnant couple having sex in different positions. The guys enrolled in the 0.25 unit course were totally shitting their pants in disgust, and they’re suddenly flushed in imagery of what it must be like to have sex with a sweaty roast beef factory.
Yeah, I just said that.
In the name of the father, son, and holy Kinkos.
Chachi’s not amused, but then again, the last thing that amused him was the Apollo 11 landing. At the obligatory “open up!” part, Black dude confesses to being scared of doing the nasty with his pregnant girly because he’s scared his huge dong is going to hurt the baby.
White guy confesses that he actually likes pregnant sex. White guy probably also likes Hillary Duff, large vans without windows and responds to his dates who say “Thank you for dinner!” by saying, “Nothing’s free” – but I’m just guessin’.
“Also, the Gaza strip is more stable than I am.”
Oh, and nothing from Latino guy. I’m sure he alluded pregnant sex to a breakfast buffet of hot tamales and was unfairly edited out by the stick-up-their-asses brasses at VH1. Don’t cry for him, Buenos Aires!!!
In the next class segment, Moby pulls out some more graphic poster boards with a bunch of birthing pictures to illustrate the poppin’-out process.
Puke-a-thon: All your gross are belong to us.
As expected, these images were blurred out because babies are offensive, but the 101 Great Tit and Ass Shakers of 2008 will always remain in rotation.
“My bad, this is Madonna’s photo book.”
When Moby explains what crowning is, the guys flip out and gag in their mouths again. Grossed out by the pictures and aggressively annoyed by the infinite number of posters Moby’s busting out every 10 fucking seconds, Chachi gets up, pleads no offense to Moby, and, after emoting how much he doesn’t understand fatherhood, he quits the course! Oh, snap!!!
“Screw you guys, I’m going home.“
Another public breakdown for the books, and Chachi drives off in hysterics to meet up with his mentor from last season, therapist Dr. Ali.
VH1 set the scene up to make the audience assume Chachi was walking into a hotel room to cheat on Joanie, but jesusfreakingchrist, how stupid do we look? He can’t cheat on Joanie on public television – that would mean no 3rd season.
Dr. Ali, who lost count the number of times Chachi has proven to be a walking diagnosis, asks how he and Joanie are doing relationship-wise. Chachi illustrates the feeling as a whirlwind of disconnected emotions.
After telling the doc that he quit the fathering course, Chachi says he’d continue his Daddy To Do list, which includes getting married and – no lie – a vasectomy.
Dr. Ali bitchslaps Chachi by telling him that his consistent whining is distracting him from the fun and beauty of those anticipatory 9 months. I love it when those turds of clear thinking actually float to the top of the toilet that is this program.
“Scott, hurry, I can’t do another take.”
Chachi blurts out some more incoherent tear-soaked bullshit, and is then told by Dr. Ali to “get off the ride” of the rollercoaster of life. Nothing like $75/hr similes.
To preserve whatever manhood is left, Chachi met up with DA GUYS at the Hollywood Park horse racetrack.
“Because When You’re Here, You Lose Your Family!”
I also like to call it The Place Where Dreams and College Funds Die.
DA GUYS ask what Chachi will name the baby girl. They go through the names found in the horse roster.
“Name it PackYourBags Baio!”
I would have suggested MiserableMistake Baio. Or at least Secretariat Baio.
DA GUYS try to get Chachi to bet more than just 2 bucks on a race, but after losing $5,000 in Vegas last week, Chachi actually lets the few juiced neurons in his brain stimulate responsibility.
JohnnyV is absent, but sends cryptic text messages saying he’s got game in women, and that he misses Chachi after their fallout in Vegas. [DA GUYS - Johnny V] + Chachi agree to meet with JohnnyV at his apartment after they try to win some diaper money on the next race.
“meet@my place plz? ttfn
JohnnyV lives in a shithole in an unnamed part of “Hollywood.”
And by “Hollywood” VH1 really means Echo Park.
JV’s in his pajamas, surrounded by tons of take-out food containers, job search papers, and drowning in regret. JV truly looks like a concentration camp worker and Chachi tells him that he’s concerned with his depressed demeanor.
Shortest episode of “Cribs” ever.
JV tells Chachi that he feels like he’s suddenly pushed out. Chachi’s, like, “DICK, I’M HAVIN’ A KID.” Chachi demands that JV cut the Marilyn-Monroe-before-she-died bullshit and promises to help him find a broad to spew his seed in so that JV, too, can grow little monsters of his own.
Editorial note: Give PC a herpes test
HOLY FUCK! In the next scene we’re ACTUALLY introduced to Joanie’s first kid, who flew in to help with the pregnancy. THE FIRST CHILD IS NOT INVISIBLE. I REPEAT, THE FIRST CHILD IS NOT INVISIBLE!!! And she wasn’t just an actress who was cast for one episode last year, but a living, breathing, actual person. Hubba^2!!!
Don’t stand so…
Oh my god, I still can’t believe that just happened.
In the car, after Chachi picks up Joanie’s 1st child – Kailyn – at the airport, she asks him a bunch of questions regarding his commitment to her mom. You’d think that this would throw Chachi over the edge, but VH1 is GUH-REEATTT with continuity and shows Chachi as cool as Shaft.
“You mess this up and I’ll make Lorena Bobbitt’s crime look like a paper cut.”
After dropping Lolita off, Chachi and Joanie attend some course of wicked new age pregnancy shit in what looks like the Valley – home of the porno movie – and it looks like we’ll be treated to enough eclecticism to make Yogi Ramesh
go, “Okay, what the fuck are these people doing…”
The director of this course looks like Bonnie Raitt if she were 98 years younger, a model, and smoked a bunch of kush. She opens the class by saying words like “pain” will be substituted by words like “sensation.”
Instead of “contractions”, this course uses “surges.”
“But for payment plans, I still say cash, Visa, or MasterCard.”
The instructor tells the fathers to speak to the child inside by talking to the pregnant bellies. Chachi’s, like, “I love…you and…stuff…” and the pain – I mean, “sensations” – that such forced emotion carries translates really well on television. Kudos, Viacom!!!
“You heard me the first time.”
The instructor says that during a contraction, the father should do a little dance with the pregnant victim, or even have hot sex to ease the labor of birthing. “What puts the baby in”, the instructor says, “can also put the baby out.”
Make up your own punchline.
Instructor MILF tells the fathers to think of their favorite desserts, and say, “MMMMM” while rubbing the pregnant abdomens.
“Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm.”
The instructor doesn’t say how this exercise is beneficial, and I’m convinced she is TOTALLY fucking with everyone. Eat scum, you hipster doofus!!! 10 points to whoever can call that reference.
MILF tells the pregnant women to go on all fours. I didn’t really pay attention as to why everyone was doing this because I was still stuck on everyone minutes before going “MMMMmmMMMmmMMMmm” like it was the prologue to a Brian Wilson orgy.
Chachi was looking at Joanie on all fours, gyrating and moving her Daniel Day Lewis milkshake, and totally had, like, 25 boners throughout the whole session.
After the course, “release” came with class, the Baio way, as Chachi and Joanie tell the camera men and producers to leave their car as they head into one of those gas station carwashes to have some alone time.
“Baseball. Baseball. Baseball. Baseball. Think of baseball.”
In the middle of their dry humping session, Joanie’s water breaks and they leave with a shiny washed car to the hospital! Ohmygod! Panic at the disco-that-is-labor!!!
It’s just after midnight, and Joanie is contracting like a certain levee during a certain natural disaster when a certain president of a certain free nation completely destroyed the founding principles OF THIS SACRED NATIO– but I digress Obama 2008.
Some hundred thousand hours later (or what feels like it) DA GUYS arrive at the hospital and actually gamble on what time the child’s going to pop out. They start debating conditions about what constitutes birth, whether it means the head popping out or the whole body popping out.
Paging Dr. Gupta, morons in maternity.
If you ACTUALLY give a shit and are wondering, Joanie requested an epidural. 11 hours later, still no kid, and the doctor is concerned about the baby’s safety. An emergency C-section is A-comin’. Har!
You kids still there? Hang in there, we’re almost done!
No video was shown, just some lame ass iMac photo slideshow. How dramatic, VH1. Cue shots of baby, cue shots of Joanie’s hottie 1st child, cue shots of Chachi crying, cue obligatory photo of baby hand in adult hand, blah blah blah, this was SO not like the beauty in the birth in the motion picture Junior
. Remember Junior?! “MYY BAHH-DEEE MYYY CHOICE!!!!!!” HAHHAHAAHAHHAHHAA ohwait HE’S MY FUCKING GOVERNOR
Now that the little brat is finally out, Chachi dismisses his 9-month-long boyishness and comes to the conclusion that the love he has for his child outweighs every fear he’s had since day 1.
Meet Bailey Baio.
With another episode down, and another lesson learned, I’m convinced that Chachi should’ve had a reality show a LONG time ago. Maybe then he would have learned to not do SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2
Or Denise Richards.