Scott Baio: Chachi is 46…and Having a Poorly Acted Breakdown

Ahh, Season 2… can you smell that? It’s another ripe installment of lost dignity, loosely orchestrated comedy, and, if we’re lucky, cameos from people we all collectively know as “That One Guy from That TV Show” or “That One Other Guy.” Let’s see if Scott really grows up this time ’round. Not holding my breath.

Scott Baio is 46… and Pregnant begins its season with Chachi, alone, on a golf cart at 3:30AM, smoking a fatty cigar. Though it looks like he might be reflecting on the whereabouts of Henry Winkler (“Is…he dead?”), Chachi lets us know that his moroseness and isolation is due to …well, let’s briefly go back to the last few scenes in season 1′s finale.

The last time we last saw Chachi was during the finale of Scott Baio is 45… and Single — season 1 of his public disintegration — at a party to celebrate his graduation from life coaching (lol).

As the festivities came to a close, Chachi – who felt like “the luckiest man in the world” at this point in his life — proposed to his girlfriend Renee (who, under my rule, is now named JOANIE), who, upon saying yes, had popped him a nugget of life-altering proportions.

WTFWTFWTF@#%@#&&%$&*$%WTFWTFWTF!!!!!!!

Chachi lost his cool, then ruined what could’ve been a completely beautiful moment by taking a poop on it and turning it into an ugly discussion on the driveway. His reaction came from alphabetical reasoning: “Renee, I went from A to B. NOW YOU WANT ME TO GO B TO Z!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Clearly, Chachi is not happy, excited, or even remotely prepared. In fact, he’s effing MORTIFIED. Something says this is going to be a season long Three Men and a Baby.

Chachi then ran from the discussion in haste, beat up the valet (not kidding), stole the catering van (double not kidding) and broke into a country club (scripted). This is where we left off, just in time for Chachi to call an emergency meeting with “DA GUYS.”

Because, when friends talk, they always stand in file like this.


DA GUYS from left to right: Jason “Hey, Butthead” Hervey from The Wonder Years, wingman/comedian Johnny and some dude named Steve Cuccio.

WHERE DO I FIT INTO THE PICTURE, CHARLES???

Chachi announces to DA GUYS that he’s going to be a dad, and to kill the excitement, Johnny warns him that Joanie is going to be trapping him into a crappy situation (talk about a buzz-killll). Still, though, DA GUYS show their support, but that hasn’t helped Chachi from continually bitching about his life being over just because he’s going to be a dad. This is going to be one messed up kid when she *oops, spoiler alert* sees the show.

DA GUYS make an exit, and Chachi makes a call to Dr. Ali (from last season) and she suggests he take a class on baby parenting to ease the process. UH-OH, MACHO DAD IN CRAZY SENSITIVE SITUATIONS!!! Where’s Steve Guttenberg and Tom Selleck when ya need ‘em?

Fast forward 3 weeks later, where Joanie and Chachi head off to their first ultrasound scan. In the car, Chachi introduces a theory he heard about regarding a baby’s sex.

“If it’s a girl, you take the baby and you plug its nose and blow real hard in its mouth, you can pop a little penis out.”

“…Oh, and I’ve never read a book.”

I quit.

Anyway, it’s obvious Chachi is pulling for a boy. Boy boy boy. Joanie thinks it’s easier to raise a girl. Girl girl girl. A true non-classic battle of the sexes. The ultrasound doesn’t really phase Chachi as momentous; upon hearing the baby’s heartbeat, he comes off as distant and, apparently, a daydreamer.

“Chaarrrllless in chaarrggge, of our days ‘n ourrrr niiighhhtsss…”

The doctor visit is a success and the sex of the baby isn’t revealed at the request of Chachi, because it’s “too real” and, frankly, he doesn’t want to find out it’s a girl. It’s a girl, by the way. *Delayed Spoiler Alert*

19 weeks later…

(VH1, don’t try to convince us nothing happened in those 19 weeks)

As Joanie’s belly grows, so does Chachi’s list of parenting fears. One of those fears is home expansion. Now, I’m not a parent, but I think that when having a baby comes around, home expansion is virtually default in the process. One extra room for the baby is a step up, right? Not so much for Chachi. BEHOLD: THE RECORD FOR “BIGGEST HOUSE EVER PURCHASED BECAUSE OF A LITTLE TINY BABY” -

BECAUSE BABIES NEED GATES, MOTHER#%@#$%@#%.

Selling a house to Scott Baio must be a cakewalk. Chachi’s litmus test for purchasing a home is limited to “Okay, if I’m in this room, can my soon-to-be wife hear me from the other rooms?” TEST —

RRRRIIICOOOLLAAAAA!!!!!!

CHACHI: Can you hearrr meee??



No response from Joanie.

…SOLD!!!

There was very little see-sawing with the realtor. Sure, Joanie showed some reluctance because the house seemed, uh, EFFING HUGE, but all it takes is some Chachi charm to convince her otherwise. Besides, VH1 is paying! DOUBLE SOLD! Chachi really wanted the pad solely because it provided enough “space” for him. This guy is going to be A FATHER?!?!?!

A couple days later, Chachi attends a Daddy To Be parenting class Dr. Ali had suggested he take. The pupils look like a mini-UN: You got a white guy, a black guy, a Latino guy, and Chachi.

We are the worrrllldd… we’re having chilldrennn…

In an exercise that teaches soon-to-be dads how to communicate with their babies, the instructor passes around HIS OWN CHILD to each participant and observes how each handles carrying a baby.

The guys all handle very well, except Chachi, of course. Cue the dorky music and Chachi is, like, “OMG IT’S A BABY EW EW EW WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO STOP MAKING IT CRY OMG THIS THING IS SO VILE GET IT OUT OF MY MELTING FACE EW EW EW.”

Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew!!!!!!

CHACHI, YOU’RE GONNA SUCK AT THIS PARENTING THING, MAN. MAN UP, YOU LITTLE PANSY.

Whoops! Shoulda had one of those things that rhymes with “Schma-schbortion!!!

Chachi meets up with DA GUYS at a shooting range to discuss the parenting class, and a To Do List that includes the construction of a nursery.

“You can’t paint the nursery until you find out what sex it is!!!” Sage advice, Johnny.

Johnny then expresses he feels “left out”, thinking that Chachi is leaving him out of his life because he’s having a kid now. Johnny is a melancholy tool, and, like Chachi said in the program, “more hormonal than Renee.”

Zing.

Later on, Chachi takes Joanie to the same restaurant he last told her he needed a break. Joanie and Chachi further a conversation on the parenting classes, and the nursery, and all this other baby crap that these two are CLEARLY not prepared for. Joanie notices a magician, and Chachi is, like, “Dude, that’s so not classy… lameness…”

All of a sudden, the magician approaches their table, and, if Chachi couldn’t look any more suicidal, well… you get the picture. The magician pulls out a trick.

“Listen, man, for 50 bucks I can make the baby disappear, too.”

Upon pulling a black handkerchief off Joanie’s hands, the magician reveals a RING! The magician was in on it!!! Joanie is ecstatic and Chachi expresses his eternal love to her by FORMALLY PROPOSING TO HER FOR MARRIAGE! And WITHOUT the driveway fighting! Chachi, you so clever!!!

The proposal was sweet, and went something like, “Joanie, listen, will you be mine, through sickness and in health, for our days and our nights, our wrongs and our rights?” She’s all, like, “HELL TO THE YEAH, YOU’RE A FRIGGIN’ FRANCHISE, HOW COULD I NOT!!!!”

Alas, we are at the end, and we are reminded that (…WAIT FOR IT…) Joanie Loves Chachi.

Oh, and Chachi pulls out the envelope that reveals the baby’s sex. Though it’s revealed that it’ll be a chick, it’s easy to see Chachi doesn’t care because he’s gonna get hitched!

Monogamy never looked so impossible. See ya next week!

Note to the editors: Thanks for welcoming me into the TVGasm family! You all make me feel like I’m not a mid-season replacement. I look forward to writing for the TV-deprived in hopes of making them chuckle, or for America’s cubicle hamsters in hopes of distracting them from thoughts of suicide.