Scott Baio: FISCAL IRRESPONSIBILITY, BABY!!!

As Joanie prepares for her baby shower just days before she pops, Chachi turns the event into another opportunity to be without her by going to Vegas for a “Man Shower” with DA GUYS. If you hate people repeatedly saying, “VEGAS, BABY, VEGAS,” then you probably don’t want to skip this jump.

“We’ve created a monster.”

Before the parties go underway, Joanie and Chachi head off to the clinic for the third trimester ultrasound scan.

VIRTUAL BABY

Chachi asks the technician what an episiotomy is, only to hear the answer make him gag in his mouth. If you’re not sure what an episiotomy is, you should Wiki it. It’s fucking gross, but that’s only because I’m 22 and squirmier than a 6-year-old.

Anyway, Chachi – like me – totally pulled a mental puke until those 3D High Definition 7.1 Dolby Surround Sound scans showed up on the monitor. For the first time, Chachi saw his spawn with the facial features of a human rather than a molecular mistake, and it’s kind of cool seeing a grown man almost regret his entire existence.

Hey, you’re an accident.

It was a “holy fucking shit” moment that made having a kid ever more so real for Chachi, and on the way back home he tells Joanie that this sort of shit gives him anxiety attacks. Of his biggest concerns about the birth process is witnessing the vaginal cut for the episiotomy.

Joanie says, “You don’t have to.”

Chachi responds, “You know how to spell episiotomy? L-O-O-S-E-V-A-G-I-N-A.”

You know how to spell Scott Baio? E-P-I-C-F-A-I-L.

Moving on –

At the Daddies To Be class, instructor Moby asks the guys what they estimate is the cost of a child until they are 17, excluding the cost of college.

Black Guy is, like, “$12,000.”

White Guy is, like, “$50-to-75,000.”

Latino Guy is, like, “$70,000.”

Chachi is, like, “$100,000.”

Much to the dismay of the Daddies To Be, Moby writes the average figure of the cost of a child on a blackboard.

“The average cost of a child these days is between $184,320 to $268,520.”

“You shittin’ me? Are you SHITTIN’ ME?!”

Chachi flips the fuck out, probably after realizing that all his Charles in Charge residuals equals the cost of his kid from the ages of 1-2. It is here that Chachi also sees the financial responsibilities of a family as a monumental burden on the income bearer.

A round of miniature golf with DA GUYS helps churn the rusty gears inside Chachi’s head for creative ways of making more money. After HeyButthead wonders why they’re playing mini-golf on a course that literally lies beside the 405, JohnnyV tells him it’s about helping Chachi save some money.

“Guys, it was either this or DZ Discovery Zone.”

When Chachi tells DA GUYS how scared he is of putting so much money into cribs, and diapers, and bottles, and all that other baby crap, JohnnyV tells him that you get all that stuff for free at a baby shower; to Chachi’s surprise, one of the guys knew Joanie was hosting one the following weekend – and he didn’t.

HeyButthead says it’s unfair that the girl gets the shower, and entertains the idea of a man-version.

JohnnyV: “Vegas, baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

HeyButthead: “A Vegas Man Shower!”

YAYYY MANN SHOWEERRR!!!!!

Chachi actually feels a little bad about leaving Joanie alone again for reasons of travel, but the guys convince him otherwise by questioning his manhood. Chachi uses the excuse of saving money to avoid the costly trip, but DA GUYS insure him that the costs will not fall on Chachi – not one cent. He agrees on the condition that DA GUYS prevent him from gambling. Uh-oh! Foreshadowing!!!

Used-car-salesman-like JohnnyV says he’s got “connection” in Vegas to girth up the trip. Uh-oh! Double foreshadowing!!!

“Lance Burton and I are tight.”

Back at the Baio estate, Joanie introduces Chachi to an expectedly super gay wedding coordinator. The coordinator, who we’ll call SupaGay, asks Joanie and Chachi what they want to do.

“I charge $40 per reinforced stereotype!!!”

Chachi: “Not spend a lot of money.” HEY-YO!

Joanie explains that she wants a sunset wedding that’s “simple but elegant”, which SupaGay promised as “not inexpensive.”

Supagay: How many people are you hosting?

Chachi: 6.

Joanie: …40 TO 50.

Chachi asks how much a wedding cake is, only to find out that it’s $15 per head, which rounds out to something along the lines of $600. It is not a good day in the Baio home, and Chachi comes to the conclusion that SupaGay is just a pay-per-hour consultant version of Joanie. As if one weren’t enough – COMMENCE BREAKDOWN.

SupaGay asks if Joanie would like to accompany him to the wedding site to do some planning, but she’s booked with the baby shower. SupaGay asks Chachi, to which he opens the can of worms.

“I, uh, can’t, ‘cos, I, uh, I, uh, I’m going to Vegas. For a man shower.”

Joanie’s clearly pissed and asks who he’s going with and who’s going to pay.

Chachi: “My friends.”

“You don’t have friends.”

Joanie calls bullshit because JohnnyV is a sleaze who doesn’t pay for anything, and she has serious doubts of Chachi’s friends pulling through.

Chachi’s, like, “BITCH, PLEASE, I’M GOING TO VEGASS WHATEVZ U SAY…”

And Joanie does what anyone with a soul should do to an asshole like Chachi.

BOOMSHAKALAKA

PWNED!!!!!!!!!!

That weekend, just as Joanie’s shower was coming to a close, Chachi’s was barely starting. Cue flashy shots of slot machines and a Sinatra song about being coy.

“We’re unimportant.”

More “Vegas, Baby, Vegas”s.

At the hotel room, DA GUYS (plus some anonymous creepy looking guys) started boozing it up, and erratic Chachi sees that all the drinks are coming from the incidentals mini bar. Shit’s about to go down.

“This motherfucker better not let us down with Lance Burton…”

Turns out JohnnyV’s been handing out the tiny booze bottles and Chachi’s pissed. JohnnyV says he’ll make it up to him with all his Vegas connections, and that they’ll all soon be at his feet in infinite thanks.

“Hey guys — ever heard of… CIRCUS CIRCUS?!?!?!?”

Chachi’s ready for a classy meal in the classy part of Vegas. JohnnyV’s “connection” lead the group to… a buffet. Pass the remorse, yeah?

JohnnyV guarantees DA GUYS entrance into the hottest club in Vegas. Nothing could irk Chachi more than failed promises, and the slacks he has on that are attracting a shit load of static.

Arriving at the door to the club, JohnnyV sees the doors closed; here DA GUYS mock him because the joint hasn’t even opened yet.

“Hello? We want to club.”

Chachi’s completely pissed, so DA GUYS go gamble and Chachi, who promised he wouldn’t, heads to the bar.

More “Vegas, Baby, Vegas”s.

Chachi says he’d rather blow his money and get loaded rather than lose all his money. Some 12 shots and 5 beers later, Chachi is as coherent as Amy fucking Winehouse on a good day and lets ill logic get the best of him.

“Man, Scott — we’re not even cancelled yet.”

Pawning off his $10,000 watch for a $5,000 chip, Chachi puts the chip on 22 at the roulette table.

And he loses.

Troof.

“That was the first year of pre-school… gone,” says HeyButthead. Whoops!!!

After losing a bunch of money, Vegas brass invited DA GUYS to a VIP lounge of the club they couldn’t get into earlier.

Chachi looks one shot away from miserable bloody hell and realizes that Joanie was right when she said he’d blow a bunch of much-needed money for the baby.

Don’t stop him now, he’s having a good time, he’s havin’ a bawllll!!!

“Shots on you, baby!” JohnnyV says. Chachi isn’t pleased with catering some 15 people to a round of shots, and accuses JohnnyV of breakin’ his bawls.

A fight starts, and before any fists fly, Chachi tells JohnnyV that he’s “having a baby, BABY” and “going to get married, BABY.”

“I’m pretend mad!!!”

He leaves, shitfaced beyond words, and takes of his annoying static-y pants in the middle of a casino.

Back at the hotel room, Chachi and Joanie meet up on a webcast to ttly cyber, and Joanie says he looks like that video of Hasselhoff drunkenly eating a burger.

Are you there, Scott? It’s me, David.

After stressing out about what she’d think, Chachi finally admitted to losing 5 large by gambling.

…To which Joanie replied, “Oh well, money isn’t everything.”

a/s/l?

Chachi, you are the most ungrateful sonofabitch in the world.