The other day I was with a friend of mine stealing quarters from sleeping homeless people’s coffee cups in order to buy ourselves some Coldstone when he said, “As long as you’re going to hell, answer this question: Can you name a worse sight than watching an obese person eat ice cream?” I pondered the question for a moment, and then, having worked in Baskin Robbins for two years in high school, got a flashback of the sense of disgust I got watching this one giant fat man who came into the store every single day 5 pounds heavier than the day before. Every single day he’d order a brownie sundae and leave with hot fudge all over his neck.
That’s when it struck me: maybe I’m overly critical. Sure it’s sort of fun to make jokes at other people’s expense, but now look at me. I’m watching a TV show with the intention of picking people apart bit by bit. Have I gone too far? Am I the most critical individual in existence right now? A monster from which the world is not safe? I worried about this all weekend long until the opening of Episode Three where the Scott Baio cartoon announced publicly that he broke up with Denise Richards the instant she took her shoes off in front of him, because she had huge feet that looked like flippers. Phew… A bigger monster does exist. Hide the women and children!…Scott Baio is 45 and Single!
If only this girl was missing a tooth or two, she’d be perfect.
First, a side note while we’re on the topic of the Scott Baio cartoon opening. I decided that they should do an animated spin-off of the show, with the cartoon imitating real life. Now if you’re out there VH1, or hell, even the cartoon network, listen up. Here’s my pitch:
The Scott Baio cartoon is dating Judy Jetson. Judy, a hopeless romantic, who’s always been enthralled with the rock star and celebrity types (see her biggest crush: Jet Screamer), falls hook, line and sinker for Cartoon Scott Baio’s game, and winds up laying upside down on her bed describing Cartoon Scott over the phone to her friend with adjectives such as “outergalactic.” Jane Jetson, eager to have a grandchild, starts chiming in to George about potential wedding plans, and George has to fire Rosie to start saving up for a wedding at the Galaxy Country Club.
Dear Die-Die, today I met the man I’m going to marry!
Then one day, Astro goes to the Milky Way Bar to meet up with Elroy who (courtesy of his association with Scott Baio) is the only 8 year old in the bar doing shots of Jamison and getting lap dances. On the way home, Astro stops at the local hydrant to relieve himself when, “ruh roh”, he spots Cartoon Scott doing the nasty with Daphne from Scooby Doo AND Smurfette in the parking lot behind Spacely Sprockets. Personally I think it’s an instant classic. Hanna-Barbera, you know where to find me.
No blue balls with this little harlot.
Episode three opens with Doc Ali reviewing some photos of Scott’s exes, looking for a pattern in his taste. A “type” if you will. Hmmm. A pattern. Let’s see… Nicolette Sheridan, Pam Anderson, Heather Locklear, Julie McCullough. Scott’s not seeing a pattern. A pattern like blondes with big boobs for example. No that can’t be it, Scott says. And why not, you ask? Because he dated an Asian girl once. And by dated an Asian girl he means porked a waitress in the bathroom of Benihana.
Apparently, having one Asian girl amongst the hundreds of blonde playmates on “your list” seems to protect you from viewing yourself as having a type, much like having one black friend protects you from viewing yourself as a racist. If you fall into one of these categories, I have news for you: that fat guy from Baskin Robbins tasted the low fat frozen yogurt once, too, and he’s still the fat guy with chocolate on his neck.
Finally Scott decides that the pattern in his exes is that they are all “close to flawless.” Poor Scott. Having to spend so much time with all those nearly perfect women. It’s almost as sad a story as poor Paris and Nicky Hilton who have to smile for a living.
Next Scott meets with Nicole Eggert, better known as “the hot sister”, Jaimie, from Charles in Charge. It must have been depressing to be that other sister from the show. You know, the dorkier one. I don’t even remember her name. I think maybe it was Sara. Whatever it was, sucked being her. I’d put money on her having Hailey Duff Syndrome from being on that show. And trust me, I’m a Doctor… Hailey Duff Syndrome is a vicious disease. Just ask Wynona Judd.
Anyway, Nicole tells Scott that he is looking for perfection that doesn’t exist, and then she says that it’s not his fault he turned out the way he did, considering he used to look through Playboy Magazines like they were Sears catalogues and just pick out what he wanted. I lie and tell the Manager at Sears that I have an in at VH1 and arranged for that Sears plug, and now I am a Sears preferred customer member and get 40% off any item in the store. Woo hoo…..Apostrophe blazers and Kathy Ireland bathing suits for everyone!
In light of the “almost flawless” comment from Scott and the “searching for perfection” comment from Nicole, Doc Ali wants Scott to describe the perfect woman. I can barely wait to hear what Scott has to say. I quickly grab my pen as Scott recites, ” 5’6′ good body, imperfect teeth (what?), nice rack, in her thirties and maternal. Hmm. Ok let’s review: Medium height, in shape, ready for kids, with good boobs, bad teeth, and in her thirties. I’VE GOT IT!!!:
Who will saaaave your soul?
Instead of calling Jewel, Doc Ali sends Scott to the Perfect Match, a mother and daughter team that sets people up on blind dates. Incidentally, this is the same duo who set Rob and Big up on blind dates on their show on MTV weeks back. Then, in an entirely different episode of Rob and Big, they are driving in the car and see Scott Baio walking down the street, and get into an in depth conversation about how many ladies Scott’s pulled. Six degrees of separation? Ironic twist? Viacom is into recycle characters? Who knows for sure, but if you ask me, something’s up.
Scott goes to see the Perfect Match people, and Johnny Tupperware goes with him. I have no idea why. Johnny Tupperware is everywhere on this show, and I don’t like it. I’m starting to despise him. I think they should replace him with good ole’ “Buddy” from Charles in Charge. He was a much better sidekick. I’d even take Boner Stabone at this point.
Way to make Leftovers look hot, Buddy.
Scott’s getting tired of Johnny Tupperware, too. When the boys have a poker night, Johnny invites a stripper to give Scott a private lap dance in hopes that Scott will cheat on Renee. What a pal. I hear Johnny Tupperware is running against Denise Richards for best friend of the year. It’s anybody’s race.
Instead of falling prey to Johnny Tupperware’s trickery, Scott takes the the hooker, I mean stripper, in the back room, tells her to put her clothes back on, gives her 200 bucks for her wasted time and sends the her home. Point Baio.
Finally it’s time for Scott to go on his Perfect Match date. Johnny Tupperware plays the role of buffer by sitting at the table with Scott until the date gets there, and is instructed not to leave until Scott decides his blind date is pretty. When the very attractive perfect date woman enters the restaurant, Johnny gets his cue to leave and likely molests a waitress on his way out.
Despite the fact that Scott’s blind date appears to be attractive, intelligent, well spoken and warm, Scott begins to pick her apart body part by body part. By the time Scott gets to her “too small ears”, “upturned mouth”, and “too perfect teeth”, not only am I’m downright exhausted, but I’ve also lost just about every ounce of sympathy I ever had for Scott. Which was not much to begin with. Thankfully, he recovers when he finishes his criticzing of the blind date by saying that he now realizes that Renee’s imperfections are what he loves about her, and that he really misses her. If only for a moment, Scott appears somewhat likeable. Outergalactic even.