Recap: Scott Baio is 45…and Single: I believe the children are our future

This week on Scott Baio is 45 and Single, Scott meets up with an attractive, southern 17 year girl in a skirt, and he doesn’t even try to seduce her in any way. For a guy like Scott Baio, typically this constitutes somewhat of an accomplishment. It’s like Whitney Houston turning down free cocaine. Actually, we can’t give Scott that much credit, because the 17-year-old southerner was his girlfriend’s daughter. And unless you’re Woody Allen, such a relationship automatically muffles any impending desires. So it’s more like Whitney Houston turning down dirty cocaine. Plus, Scott’s into blondes and the daughter was a brunette. So really it’s like Whitney turning down a sandwich. Big whoop.

When it comes to train wrecks like Whitney Houston and Scott Baio, even the smallest step towards acting like a human being deserves recognition. Congratulations Scott Baio! You didn’t nail your soon to be daughter-in-law. Oh yeah, and you’re still 45… and Single.

Whit, would you like a nice salad for lunch? OH HELL TO THE NO!

Much like Eddie Murphy’s day to day life, this week was all about potential children. The episode opens with Renee calling Scott and asking if he’d be willing to meet her seventeen-year-old daughter who is in town from Tennessee. Now, they didn’t mention how old Renee was when she had the baby, whether or not statutory rape charges were filed, why her daughter is living in Tennessee, or who her daughter is living with instead of living with her own mama, but logic suggests that the answers are: too young, prolly not, that’s where Renee is from, and her dad. I, of course, have a more detailed suggestion. Allow me to elaborate…

My very prominent medical degree, plus subtle psychic powers, lead me to believe the daughter’s dad is Renee’s high school boyfriend and a former football player named Randall (3 out of 5 people in Tennessee are named Randall. Look it up). Randy used to be Renee’s ticket out of town. When she got pregnant, Renee decided to keep the baby, imagining a wonderful life as Mrs. Randall, in a big house, with a fancy car and brand new dungarees, or whatever southern people dream of as fancy clothes; The wife of a pro football player. That is, until Randy tore his ACL, lost his scholarship to UT, bought a dog, named him Anheiser, and woke up one day on a liquid diet. That’s when Renee had the baby, packed up the pickup, and left town to start a new life.

I realize that sounds like a cross between Friday Night Lights and Sweet Home Alabama. I clearly watch too much TV, and seem to have tendencies towards stereotyping Southerners, but hey, this is my recap. Bias is allowed here. Prove me wrong if you want. I’m just sayin’… I saw the kid. She’s a good girl, but she totally grew up alone on a tire swing.

Scott brings up the whole meeting Renee’s daughter thing in his session with Doc Ali. Doc thinks meeting Renee’s daughter is a great idea. Just don’t sleep with her. Or one of her friends. Or ask her to smoke blunts. Doc is just surprised that Scott has NEVER met Renee’s daughter before, despite having dated Renee for so long. Jeez Doc. What do gigolos look like where you live? This is Womanizer 101. Don’t stay long enough to smell breakfast, and don’t meet family members. These are staples in the Womanizer Handbook. They come right after the chapters called “text message only,” “my phone was dead,” and “how to make her insecurities work in your favor.”

Before Scott can meet Renee’s daughter, Doc Ali wants Scott to meet one of his exes who has children. Enter Sheila, from Penthouse. I don’t know what Scott did to Sheila, but she’s hellapissed. She tells him to meet her at her gym, makes him wait 20 minutes for her, and then when she finally comes out to see him she tells him he has 5 minutes. I’ve never met the woman, and I was terrified of her. I can only imagine what Scott was feeling.

No wonder he doesn’t like brunettes.

When Scott tells her that he is thinking of getting married and having children, Sheila quite bluntly replies, “Oh no don’t do that.” Scott asks “don’t do what?” and Sheila responds, “Get married or have children.” Ouch. Sheila drives away after that and Scott goes to get a shot to wash down all that pride he just swallowed.

Next, Doc Ali sends Scott to a preschool to interact with some small children. Just what Scott needs: time spent with a bunch of people who are more mature than him. Scott puts on his standard little boy attire (see preview: t-shirt with white long sleeved shirt underneath) grabs his lunch box, and heads to preschool. It was like watching a disturbing Italian version of Billy Madison. Such train wreckage. I couldn’t look away.

Scott totally showed up in the same outfit as the blond boy. AWKWARD.

When Scott gets to the preschool he looks completely confused, totally uncomfortable, and somewhat terrified. I don’t know what it is about little children that can get that look on a man’s face. That look like someone just dropped him off in front of a prison in nothing but a pink tutu.

Needless to say, Scott’s time in preschool was a little uneventful. One little girl repeatedly told Scott that her mom was picking her up before naptime. Scott seemed baffled by her repeating it so much. Welcome to the world of children, Scott. That’s what little kids do; they say the same thing a hundred times. Incidentally, they also have speech impediments, pee themselves and cry. They’re like little tiny drunk people.

Instead of being patient, Scott spent the morning repeatedly and sarcastically asking the little girl what time her mom was picking her up. Nothing says gentleman like a grown man mocking a three year old. I guess they edited out the part where he teased little Mikey for not saying his Rs clearly and then stole his teddy bear. When naptime finally comes, Scott lays down with the children until they fall asleep, at which point he sneaks out the door. Which reminds me- chapter three of the womanizing handbook: How to get out of bed without waking her up.

He left Moviefone’s number by the pitcher of lemonade.

Finally, “meet your girlfriend’s daughter” day arrives! Scott doesn’t want to show up empty handed so he goes to Costco with all the boys to buy Renee’s daughter a present. Johnny Tupperware suggests a kiddy pool, but I think he just wants to see a 17 year old girl in a bathing suit. Is there a word for young tupperware? Or little tupperware? Or not quite tupperware? I wish there were, because calling him Johnny Seran Wrap just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Instead, Scott finds an old lady to ask for a suggestion. Before she’ll offer one, she wants Scott to help her take some heavy items off the shelf for her. Atta girl, grandma, make him work for the info! Fifteen minutes and ten pounds of kitty litter later, Scott gets his suggestion: a blender. Hardly worth the shit going IN to the kitty litter if you ask me, but Scott’s desperate. So instead of getting an actual blender, he takes Grandma Calico’s basic idea and sticks with housewares. This makes me miss Manuel. He hasn’t returned my calls since the “rosary incident.” I’m lost without him.

Leftovers got her number. All by himself.

Scott picks up a toaster oven and calls it a day. Then he heads over to Renee’s house hoping for a little of the hibbiddy dibbiddy before introduction time. Doc Ali would be sweating through her cardigan if she saw Scott trying to break the celibacy rule and the no seeing Renee rule all at once. (I don’t blame you Scott, if you’re gonna do it, do it right). No dice for Scott though, as Renee makes up some crap about being busy and having to go to work. Which in girl talk translates to: eat your heart out as I continue the torture in hopes that you will miss me beyond the point of recovery and finally make me an honest woman. I love Renee now because she clearly knows how to play the game. Wear some extra perfume so it stays on his clothes after you hug him and he has to smell you all day honey! Viva la Renee!

Eventually, Renee’s daughter arrives and Scott is floored by how big she is. News flash Scott: 17-year-old girls have boobs and stuff. Scott and Renee’s daughter go shopping and Renee’s daughter gets hit on by a somewhat cute but very playerish guy. Scott says the kid reminded him a lot of himself when Scott was 17. Funny, the kid reminded me of a 17 year old who wants to be on TV.

Scott intervenes in the American Eagle lovefest, at which point the kid starts trash-talking Scott with phrases like, “hey aren’t you Charles in Charge?” and “Keep an eye out, you can learn a thing or two from me.” This kid just can’t wait to tell his friends about his trip to the mall and that he’s going to be on TV talking shit to Scott Baio. And I love every minute of it. It’s like karma from the picking on 3 year olds thing. The only thing that would have been better is if Scott started talking trash back, they scuffled a little, the kid got Scott to the ground and then Buddy Lembeck came in out of nowhere and kicked the kid in the face, Casey Affleck in the Good Will Hunting Playground Brawl Style. It would be like a karmatic circle. A girl can dream.

The show ends with Renee’s daughter finally firing away the questions her mother so clearly prepped her with before meeting Scott: “Have you cheated?” “Did you feel bad?” “Do you respect women?” Scott answers the questions pretty calmly and honestly for the most part, until she gets to the question “Will you marry my mother?” That’s when Scott gives a stuttering, “uuuuh, wait, hold on, I have to look at my phone for a second.” Translation: I have to focus on anything but you and your question right now. Apparently Scott hasn’t gotten to chapter 23 of the Womanizing Handbook: “How to lie without stuttering.” Any girl who’s read a book on dating in the past decade would be very worried by this Porky Pig answer.

He’s Just Not That Into You(r Mom)

As far as I know, Scott doesn’t give a clear-cut answer to this marriage question. Maybe because he doesn’t have one, or maybe because he’s afraid his show will lose ratings if everyone knows half way through the show whether or not he gets married. Or maybe he just thinks if he ignores the question, that when Renee calls her daughter for the answers tomorrow, her daughter will forget that she asked the question and got no answer. Sorry Scott, kids aren’t THAT much like drunk people. They remember things in the morning.

Guess we’ll just have to keep watching to get the answer to that question. Or just look online. Whichever.