Reacap: Scott Baio is 45…and Single: Hold Me

True Story: my brother, sister-in-law and three year old nephew are in town from the West Coast. I never see them, so I spent Sunday evening at my parents’ house with my nephew playing what he calls “checks” because he can’t yet grasp the difference between chess and checkers. When I started counting the “checks” pieces with him, he informed me that he had more pieces than I did because I only had six and he had five-teen. Fair enough. How could I argue with such logic? I figured I’d choose my battles wisely and save the confrontation for a half hour later when it came time for me to convince him to turn off the Power Rangers and watch Scott Baio is 45 and Single with me. Needless to say, it took some convincing. Luckily, after I extended a firm offer of ice cream and a new pair of sneakers and we exchanged some heated negotiation over the terms of velcro verses laces, he reluctantly agreed.

My nephew spent most of the show with a puzzled look on his face and I spent most of the show with my finger on the remote, hoping there were no stripper scenes this episode. At the end of the show, curiosity got the best of me, so I looked at my nephew and asked, “How old do you think Scott is?” He replied, “a hundred-teen.” A number has never sounded more accurate.

Finally, Squiggy and Chaci are sharing a babe!

It’s just occurred to me that Scott Baio has the life. For the last six weeks Scott has occupied his time taking trips to Palm Springs, hanging out with exes, shopping, playing with three year olds, and talking about his problems with someone who actually wants to listen. In short, he’s living every woman’s dream. God, I want to be a former child star. Dammit, why didn’t my mother force tap shoes on me and throw me onto Star Search when I was little? I’d gladly take a substance abuse problem, peak at 11, do a short stint in rehab and have my career graciously end with a quick mention on Where are They Now if it meant being rich and never working the entire second half of my life.

So now, not only is Scott Baio 45 and Single, he is also my idol. Sure he has prickish tendencies. But like him or not, he’s getting paid to let cameras follow him around while he does a whole lotta nothing. I’d take that. I’d be a B or C list celebrity who used to be cute once. I’d sacrifice the ability to eat a meal in public without cameras flashing in my face. What’s a little race with the Paparrazi now and again? I’d let Perez Hilton talk shit about how terrible my boobs look now, call me a “hot mess” and draw penises around my mouth in pictures. Hell, I would have even taken my chances and risked a week at the Never Land Ranch. Ok maybe not that last part. But the rest of it I’d totally do. I’m telling you, former child stars have the life. God dammit Mom…I could’ve been Punky Brewster!

Dr. McShoulda Woulda Coulda

Anyway, week 6 is already here! I can’t believe it! Scott’s almost done with his therapy! He’s almost engaged! His girlfriend is almost pregnant! Oh, wait, did I just ruin the ending? Sorry. Oh well…there’s only three of you reading this anyway.

The episode opens with Scott punching a punching bag, wearing Under Armour and a knit hat. Apparently taking on committment is a battle on par with taking on Ivan Drago. I was waiting for Scott to start drinking raw eggs. No such luck. Pussy. Scott meets with Doc Ali and they discuss Scott’s intimacy issues. He starts to get frustrated by Doc Ali’s useless questioning and finally blurts out, ‘If you know what my problem is, just tell me what my problem is.” Amen Scott. I’ve been complaining about Doc Ali’s annoying questions for five episodes now.

Just when I feel like Scott and I can finally relate, Scott says something along the lines of the following: “Do I want to be a good husband? Yeah. Do I want to be the kind of man who doesn’t skirt around behind his wife? Yeah. I just don’t think I can do it. I’m afraid I’m gonna wake up one morning next to a woman and say, I love ya honey, but I can’t be around you. You’re starting to look like a guy.” Well, it was nice relating to him while it lasted.

And now, straight from the Unrealistic Expectation File…Doc Ali gave Scott one mission for week 6: discover the difference between sex and intimacy. Are ya serious? This is a guy who couldn’t tell the difference between corduroy and a vaginal wall. Baby steps Doc Ali, baby steps. First teach him how to stop shopping at Abercrombie. Or the difference between a real marriage and a trophy wife. Save the big stuff for later.

This picture says it all.

Scott’s first stop on the train to discovering intimacy: dinner with a woman he’s been casually sleeping with for over 15 years. Ahh…love. Scott’s nearly two decade old booty call-girl is named Connie. She came onto the show wearing red dress, but as far as I’m concerned she left wearing a shirt that says “I fuck for free.”

Since this dinner meeting is apparently the first time in 15 years that Connie and Scott have exchanged actual words, Connie takes this as her opportunity to open up to Scott about how she feels about him: she thinks he’s callous and insensitive. He’s there, but he’s never really mentally present. And yet you’ve been sleeping with him for fifteen years? Shrewd. Good rule of thumb: if you randomly sleep with a guy for 15 years without it ever amounting to anything whatsoever, it’s best stick with the “you’re the best sex I’ve ever had” position. At least that way you just look like a pleasure-filled, sex addicted slut. Calling him callous and insensitive for ignoring you while banging you for 15 years, and you just look a shamefully desperate cow with no self esteem. Oh, and a slut.

Connie goes on to tell Scott that when it comes to him, everything is “brief”. Hmm. Erin Moran said he has a small pee pee and now Connie the Wonderslut says he’s brief. I’m struggling to find the attraction here. What does this guy bring to the table aside from a faded TV career?

When Scott tells Connie about his plans to get serious with Renee and asks her about his intimacy skills, Connie tells Scott that being with him is like being part of his daily planner, because he’s always looking over your shoulder at the clock to see if he’s going to be late for his next appointment. Silly girl, you don’t feel like an appointment because he’s looking over your shoulder… you feel like an appointment because you’re a pro bono prostitute.

All the talk of feelings is too much for Scott and he makes a comment about the conversation getting too emotional. Connie raelizes just how out of touch with intimacy Scott is at this point and she actually makes me laugh when she replies, “Emotional? We had chicken.” Who knew hookers were so damned funny?

Neither one of these people should be talking. Ever.

Scott spends most of the dinner confirming Connie’s “there but not there” accusation by getting distracted by his cell phone throughout dinner, not taking her feelings seriously, and barely listening when she talks. Then he narrates to the audience that ending things with Connie was very hard. Ending things? ENDING THINGS? First off, you have a girlfriend who you claim you haven’t cheated on in two years, so I would assume things have been ENDED with Connie for some time now. Second, must one actually affirmatively “end things” with a slut? Can’t you just give her the money, and treat it as understood?

Scott meets back up with Doc Ali to let her know how his dinner with Connie went. When Scott relays that Connie never felt like she knew him, Doc Ali is appalled. She says angrily, “Is that how you want to live your life!? Where a woman you’ve been sleeping with for 15 years feels like she never even knew you!?” Yeah Scott, is that how you want to live!? Never being intimate with a woman, just having meaningless sex!? Never having a real relationship!? Never attending her uncomfortable family parties!? Never being asked if she looks fat!? Never having to talk on the phone longer than you want to!? Never failing Cosmo quizzes like, “How to know your man is ready for the next step” without even realzing you’re being administered such a test!? Wait, sorry. Who’s side am I on here?

Doc Ali is so angry that she tells Scott she wants him to attend a “cuddle party.” (It’s taking every once of will power I have not to make another Neverland Ranch reference right now). Jesus Juice. That’s all I’ll say. A cuddle party is apparently where people lay down together, talk and spoon, without having any sexual interaction whatsovever. They call that a cuddle party? I thought they called that marriage. Rim shot!

Scott doesn’t want to go to the cuddle party alone, so he tries to get all the boys to go with him. Johnny Leftovers of course tags along, probably because he’ll attend any event that requires body contact. And Scott wants Wayne to come, but he doesn’t go because Mrs. Arnold won’t let him. So instead Scott’s other friend goes along to cuddle. Probably because VH1 paid him too. They call this other friend “Cooch.” And he doesn’t even try to stop them.

This man could single-handedly stop the world from ever cuddling again.

On the way to the cuddle party Johnny tries to convince Scott and Cooch that “cuddle party” is just the code word for “orgy.” Dear Lord, please don’t let this be true. The last thing I want to see is Johnny Leftovers rolling around naked with a guy named Cooch. No, no I’d much rather watch them spoon.

At the cuddle party, everyone introduces themselves to each other and then they get down on their hands and knees and moo like cows. I’d love to explain to you what mooing and cuddling have to do with each other, but I’m afraid I’m not from Nebraska. When moo time is over, so begins the cuddling. Not that I ever doubted it, but cuddle parties are very strange. Everyone at the party wanted a chance to hug Scott, including one little person. Little person as in midget, not as in small child whose parents bring him to cuddle parties on occassion. The little person man asked to spoon with Scott and then winked at him. I don’t know what happened after that because I was busy trying to answer a slew of questions from a three year old, regarding what he was witnessing on TV, without saying the words “gay” or “midget.” No easy task I assure you.

Friends of Dorothy know when to put on their pj’s and go to bed like good little people.

By the time I got back to the show, Scott and the “toddler” had finished “wrestling”, and Scott had moved on to spooning an average sized woman. Scott opened up to the woman about what he was doing with Doc Ali and about his feelings for Renee, and he and the woman actually enganged in meaningful conversation. Scott said how easy it was too talk to her, but explained that it was because he had nothing to lose by opening up to her. Whereas opening up to Renee made him vulnerable and capable of being hurt. I guess in Doc Ali’s world this is breakthrough, but in Doctor McSteeny’s world this is where I get up to go get some cake.

It’s not that I don’t sympathize with being afraid to be vulnerable. It’s just that I don’t believe Scott. He’s not afraid to be vulnerable, he’s afraid to be committed. Somewhere along the line some asshole came up with this “I’m afraid to get hurt” nonsense and men across america have been using it for self-justification purposes ever since. It’s like men’s way of making things even for women who “have a headache.” We’ll keep using these excuses, but they’ll never be true. Ah, the human condition!

Somehow, I can totally open up to ugly chicks.

The show ended with the boys leaving the cuddle party, Scott continuing to feel like he was progressing, and Johnny Leftovers trying to get phone numbers and dates for the next cuddle party. I hope Johnny got that info, because next week is the commencement of Operation Get Rid of Johnny Leftovers. And when Scott leaves him in the dust, a hug is gonna be just what Johnny needs…

Keep that phone number you’re holding in a safe place Johnny. I have a feeling Dorothy’s friend will be waiting with open arms.