When I was ten, the first boyfriend I ever had dumped me at a roller skating rink. Without warning or reason, he sent a stranger over to me to tell me that he didn’t want to be my boyfriend anymore and that I look like I have a zit between my shoulders. Stunned and confused as to where our love had gone wrong, I said to the anonymous messenger, “I don’t understand.” Misplacing the source of my confusion she replied, “Zit between your shoulders…like, your head. Duh.” Then she rolled away. Moments later, as I left the roller rink with tears in my eyes and my keds in my hand, I caught a glimpse of my first ex boyfriend roller skating hand in hand with my best friend to the tune of Timmy T’s “One More Try.” Breaking up is hard to do. You should really get a fair warning. Look out Johnny Leftovers!… Scott Baio is 45… and Single.
It’s not you, it’s the hat.
The week 7 mission from Doc Ali to Scott: I need to meet your friends. “Fair enough,” Scott says, “You will like them. Especially Steve Cuchio (“Cooch”). Cooch just got engaged.” “Perfect!” exclaims Doc Ali. “Find a way to introduce me to all of them, all the while leaving a subplot open in which you can do something childish that you can later grow from.” I’ve got just the thing!” answers Scott. “Cooch and I used to hang out with these playboy twins known as the Morrell twins. They’re probably itching to rekindle their careers. Steve and I will meet up with them, they’ll help me set up a bachelor party, and the whole gang will meet up at the beach before the big party so you can meet my pals!” Wow Scott, what a terrific idea. Couldn’t have worked out better if we scripted it!
Scott gets in touch with the twins, plans a double date for a few days away, and then arranges for a day trip to the beach featuring Doc Ali, a recently engaged Cooch, Cooch’s soon to be wife and kids, and the Arnold family. Except Kevin. Kevin couldn’t come. Scheduling conflict.
Kevin had a date with Winnie, I’m sorry.
Upon arriving at the beach, Doc Ali is pleased to meet all the boys. Well, almost all the boys. Doc Ali is not so pleased to meet Johnny Leftovers. Doc Ali questions Johnny’s motives for befriending Scott and Johnny gets pissed and threatens Doc not to interfere with his friendship with Scott Baio. Threatening in a mafia way. Don’t interfere or what, Johnny? Or you’re gonna have someone break her knee caps? Tuck her in with the fishes? Puhlease. What’s with all the Johnny-Doc Ali drama? These two take up too much screentime. I’m done with them.
A few miles down the beach, Cooch and Scott start talking about Cooch’s wedding and Cooch asks Scott to be his best man. Scott is honored and happily agrees, because Cooch is a long time friend. And because this means he gets to plan a bachelor party.
So if I make you the best man, can my kids borrow those pants?
All this talk of bachelor parties puts Scott in the mood for dumb girls with big boobs, which sparks a meeting with the Morrell twins. Scott and Cooch decide to meet up with the girls at a pool hall. Based on what I have heard about the twins so far, they will be thrilled that Scott and Cooch asked them to play pool because now they will have a good excuse to bend over. And play with balls.
The Morell twins are named Carmen and Carla. Like it matters. I think their parents were trying to go for the rhyming twin name thing, but diiiiiiidn’t quite make it. I think if you’re gonna go with “similar but not rhyming,” Ding and Dong would have been more fitting.
Scott and Cooch are just starting up a game of pool when the Ding Dong twins come strolling into the pool hall wearing pink streamers as shirts. I thought partydecorationwear can’t be worn until fall? Man, now I have to go to the attic and pull out my pinata necklace and Christmas Light scarf.
Normally I try to avoid insulting people’s physical appearances, but after further inspection, it occurs to me that the Ding Dong twins are asking for it. I looked it up, and they are 41 years old. Forty bloody One! 41 year old women should be working legitimate jobs, having children or be fully clothed. One of the three. It’s a classic one of three rule. It’s a flexible rule Ding Dongs, just pick one. Go with getting pregnant. Even at 41, it seems like your best bet.
In addition to clothes shopping at Party Stop, Ding and Dong spend their time walking around pool halls, confusing stripes with solids and giggling hard enough for their fake breasts to bounce. Since they failed my previously mentioned “40 year old, one of three rule,” I will insult their appearance and tell you that these are not attractive women. Fuck it, I’ll say it: They look like drag queens. Drag queens with two bald babies clinging to their chests. Bald babies wearing pink streamer boa pajamas.
Our tinsels skirts were at the cleaners
The twins spend the next half hour humping pool sticks and poking each other’s boobs. God having created one of these women is humorous. Deciding to make a second one is just plain spiteful. Somewhere out there Manuel’s mother is watching this show, saying “Ay, dios mio,” and blessing herself. Twice.
Scott struggles to engage in conversation with Ding and Dong. This is the first time since his mission began that Scott has met up with an ex and not asked her a single question. That’s not true actually, he asked Ding and Dong what their outfits were all about, and they replied, “We came from an audition.” Then Scott asked, “an audition for what?” but the girls had hit their answer quota for the day. These girls are useless. Know how the expression “double or nothing” usually means one or the other? Now you can have both.
Scott’s next mission is to plan Cooch’s bachelor party. The Ding Dong twins tell Scott they’re going to a party at a mud-wrestling bar and that all the guys can come. Oh, NOW I see what role the Ding Dongs auditioned for: mud-wrestling match extra. Tough one. Way to nail it girls! I’m telling you right now, if I’m 41 years old and spending time with a guy like Johnny Leftovers at a mud-wrestling bar, you have my permission to spit on me, slap my ass and then slowly drown me in a pool. Just promise me you’ll bury me wearing my brightest tinsel tank top.
When the boys arrive at the mud-wrestling match, everyone wants Cooch to wrestle with two girls, but Cooch is a respectable guy and won’t do it. Luckily, Johnny Leftovers will though…he’s not respectable at all. Cut scene to Johnny Leftovers entering the mud-wrestling ring wearing- OH, MY EYES, MY EYES!…nothing but a black speedo and the mask that Principal Anderson wore as his alter ego “the Revolting Blob” in Billy Madison. If you haven’t seen this episode of Scott Baio yet, take my advice and be careful. You might throw up in your mouth a little. I’m still struggling to get my vision back. Johnny is a superhero gone terribly terribly wrong. It’s like Superman traded his tights and cape for Captain America’s mask and then drank a kryptonite milk shake.
The Revolting Captain Leftoverman
After some pile driving, elbow dropping and wedgie giving (I’m serious, they gave Johnny a wedgie), The Revolting Captain Leftoverman is defeated and covered in mud. At least now we don’t see his chest hair. The Captain accepts the loss, but wants to give Scott a big muddy hug. He chases Scott around the bar, finally grabs him, and hugs him. This ruins Scott’s new Hollister shirt, and now Scott loses his temper. Curse you Captain Leftoverman this is my best purposely wrinkled button-down! Scott and The Revolting Capatin Leftoverman start fighting, and I’m on the edge of my seat waiting for some good ole fashion canoli throwing.
Who wants to have a cuddle party?
The fight pours out into the street, and the Revolting Captain Leftoverman won’t back down. All in one motion, he picks some mud from out of his ass, and quickly flails his arm throwing mudd on Scott’s leg. Oh my god, the ass-mudd tornado. An aggressive move. I haven’t seen it in years. It’s clear the Captain has battled in this fashion before- he’s left no maneuver unused.
Mud splattering onto his Gap Kids jeans, Scott becomes furious and actually pushes Johnny Leftovers forcefully. The masses start to form a circle. Chants of “Chachi, Chachi,” can be heard faintly in the background. Now I see why all that punching bag work was necessary last week.
There are no words.
Wayne Arnold starts getting nervous and tries to break it up. It’s so weird watching Wayne Arnold being a good guy and trying to break up a fight. It just doesn’t fit him. In my mind, Wayne Arnold is a cruel and malicious being. He shouldn’t be calming people down and breaking up fights. He should be calling someone a butthead. That, or entering a child’s room wearing a fire hat, carrying a vaccuum and shouting, “Hamster Patrol!” Poor Wayne Arnold. Typecasting’s a bitch.
Back at ringside, the battle continues. But just when the war truly begins to unfold, Scott regains his composure and walks away. Not retaliating against an ass-mudd tornado? You’re a growing man, Scott Baio. Doc Ali would be proud.
The next day Scott vents to Doc Ali about Johnny Leftovers. Doc Ali thinks Scott needs a clean break from Johnny, because it would really help Scott progress. And because Doc Ali really really hates Johnny Leftovers. Scott says it will be tough because Johnny is like family. The mooching, annoying, show up at Christmas empty handed, stay too long, and drink all your alcohol kind of family. Scott agrees that dumping Johnny Leftovers is a must, but needs Doc Ali to help him, because he’s scared and can’t do it alone. Gee wiz Scott, just call him on the phone and say, “It has nothing to do with you, I’m just very confused and need time to think” like every other guy does. Jeesh…what an amateur.
Doc Ali agrees to accompany Scott to the break-up lunch, and you can tell that she just can’t wait to see the look on Johnny’s face when Scott dumps him. This is the first time Johnny has seen Doc Ali since their beach walk, and Johnny is none too happy to see her sitting there when he arrives. Johnny takes one look at Doc Ali and initiates the following exchange with Scott, as if Doc Ali is not sitting there right next to them both:
Johnny: Have you seen her arms, she has arms like a man.
Scott: Maybe like a very in shape woman?
Johnny: (Making the “look how big my forearms are” gesture with his curled arm) No, no, like a man.
Doc Ali gets offended and she and Johnny begin to bicker. Then VH1 quickly edits the footage, probably because one of them fell out of character and started laughing. (Director: Johnny we’re gonna need to take it from the top…. Start with, “what’s she doing here?” and then Scott, you jump right in with, “Johnny we have to talk.” Aaaaaaaand, action!)
Scott asks Doc Ai to leave so he can talk to Johnny privately. Doc Ali agrees to leave, but first tells Johnny she wants to help him and to call her if he wants to go to her “boot camp.” Johnny replies, “only if you wear a tank top.” I hate Johnny Leftovers but that was funny. I laughed out loud. Doc Ali doesn’t find it funny. She grunts and then exits stage left.
Before long, Scott is breaking the news to Johnny. Scott tells Johnny he’s had some great times with him, but Scott wants to move on with his life. Johnny tries to talk him out of it but Scott has made up his mind and- jesus, what is that noise? Oh it’s the sound of Doc Ali clapping and cheering outside while the Ding Dong twins shake their tambourine bracelets in celebration.
Oh Johnny. It’s not me…it’s you.
The episode closes in dramatic fashion: Scott tells Johnny he has to do this, gives Johnny a nice goodbye kiss on the cheek, and walks away. Scott walks away slowly. Cue the slow music. Is that Five for Fighting? Wow, this IS serious. Scott actually looks sincere about leaving Johnny behind and starting to grow up. For a moment, I believe him. I’m sorry it has to end like this Johnny Leftovers. We’ll always have Palm Springs.
Now how bout dumping that sweater?