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Like all good things must, the trainwreck that is Scott Baio is 45…and Single has come to an end. And it was a predictable one. Scott grew up, learned his lessons, and is ready to finally settle down. A tremendous transition…all in 8 weeks time, courtesy of Doc Ali and a couple three year olds. I think it’s only fair to thank the Lord for this valuabe time we’ve had with Scott.
Dear God, thank you for these past 8 weeks. Thank you for American Eagle and for warm-up pants. Thank you for Johnny Leftovers, and thank you for mud wrestling and cuddling munchkins. Thank you for bad bangs and worse stand-up. Thank you for angry bimbos, three year olds, and teenage daughters. Most of all God, thank you for Brooklyn. Amen.
Where it all started.
The finale opens with Scott’s last meeting with Doc Ali. Doc Ali asks Scott if he’s ready to settle down. He says he’s ready for a marriage, he’s just not in the mood for all the details that come along with being married. You know, a wedding, prenups, fidelty, love and generosity to another, all that pesky stuff. Wow Scott. You’ve made tremendous strides.
Doc Ali suggests that Scott go see a lawyer, find out about prenups, go look at rings, and then decide if he wants to get married. Will Scott propose? Dun dun duuuuuh…the suspense is killing me. Very very slowly.
Scott meets with a lawyer who happens to be Wayne Arnold’s cousin. I don’t know if she was really a lawyer or if she was just an extra they pulled from an old Boston Legal episode figuring she’s been around legal shows long enough to speak the lingo and have people buy it, but either way, she did a hell of a job. Get that woman an Emmy. And then get her a real job.
What’s Denny Crane like in real life?
Scott and the attorney talk about Scott potentially getting married and the “attorney” starts to tell Scott some of the reasons he might need a prenup. As the attorney is speaking you can totally see on Scott’s face that he has his own set of reasons for a prenup: “Women are money grubbing hos,” “I didn’t run around with a name like “Chachi” all those years to have some broad take me for half of what I’m worth,” and “I’m not giving up the leather jacket Henry Winkler gave me.” Gotta love a man with priorities.
Next Scott goes with Cooch to find an engagment ring. The jeweler shows Scott one quite beautiful ring, but Scott is appalled by the fact that the ring costs over a hundred thousand dollars. Now listen, I’m not saying a hundred Gs on a ring isn’t a lot, it obviously is, but I still get the feeling Scott’s not up to date on the cost of things these days. It’s probably cause he shops at American Eagle, so he’s not used to the idea of wearing something that doesn’t cost $39.99 and have either an intentional rip or a number on the front of it. If only Hollister made rings. Come to think of it, Scott Baio and Spencer Pratt from The Hills would make a helluva ring shopping tag team.
Do you have anything…I dunno…smaller?
The entire time that Scott is looking for rings, Scott gets text messages from Johnny Leftovers, who’s been shunned. Scott’s cell phone speaks the text messages aloud. So intead of hearing Scott read the text, we hear a weird computer voice relaying messages from Johnny Leftovers such as, “Do you have some epson salt? I got so many lap dances last night I think I bruised my niz-uts.” Classy. Oh Johhny, I throw the remote at the tv so much when you are on it that I think I bruised my plizamsa. Go away.
In the meantime, Doc Ali gets to have a one-on-one time with Renee. Doc Ali goes to Renee’s house and Renee walks into the room and- oh god, Julie McCollough bangs! Pin-straight-blonde-cover-my-entire-forehead-do-you-have-a-pair-of scissors-no?-ok-those-hedge-clippers-will do-bangs. Terrible. Why on earth would she do such a thing? It If you’re gonna go with bangs, at least give that shit a little brush over to one side, Reese Witherspoon style. Renee looks like she lost a fight with a shredder.
Renee and Doc Ali chit chat a bit, and Renee makes it clear to Doc Ali that Scott’s cheated on every woman he’s dated except for her. Uh, didn’t Scott break up with his fuck buddy like, I don’t know, LAST WEEK?? What’s considered cheating, exactly? Anyway, she continues on to say that if Scott doesn’t commit now, she’s gone. Spoken like a true woman with a bun in the oven. She tells Doc Ali, “I don’t need a man, and I don’t have to have a man.” No shit, sweetie. Clearly you don’t need a MAN. What you need is a 45 year old in a 22 year old’s body and a fifteen year old’s wardrobe. If I can find Flavor Flave, I’ll hook it up. How do you feel about viking helmets?
No, seriously. Put on a helmet.
Doc Ali goes on to tell Renee that deep down Scott has a good heart. Renee smiles slightly and says “I know,” but really what she’s thinking is, “thanks, bitch, now don’t use the words deep down when talking about my boyfriend ever again or I’ll murder you with my hairstylst’s weed wacker.” So much love in the air tonight.
Finally, the time has come for the finale party; a lovely barbeque featuring ice sculptures, some fine dining, and a few of Scott’s exes; Including the wretched Julie McCollough and her dangerously contagious bangs. I don’t know what Julie’s deal is tonight, but she was FIGHTIN’ for some face time on the finale. As soon as Renee got to the party Julie went running up to hug her before Scott could even get there. Jeez. Relax Lady. We all see you and your special little outfit. Take it easy. Now you go away too before Renee sees your hat and goes to rob a train conductor.
Scott and Renee finally see each other again, and after a very overdue and very tight hug, Scott tells us how much he’s missed Renee. Moments later, Renee is swept away by Julie McCollough to discuss the future of Renee and Scott’s relationship. Aside from continued attempts at face time hogging, am I missing something here? What’s with the ex girlfriend offering moral support? Are Renee and Julie friends? I can’t speak for everyone, but the last thing I want to do is bond with my boyfriend’s ex girlfriend. Ex girlfriends are what once overs, butt comparisons, evil eyes, and twinkie throwing are for.
Scott walks around the party and mingles with his guests. Suddenly the camera cuts to Johnny Leftovers outside the gate of the party with flowers in his hand. I don’t know what’s funnier, watching Johnny Leftovers’ mug through a gate with flowers in his hand, or the lengths at which VH1 will go to script a laugh. Ugh, why is Johnny still here? Somebody needs to give him a four knuckle kiss. I’m more over Johnny than Justin is over Britney.
Finally Scott grabs Renee for some private time so that he can tell her how he feels. Everyone in Sears thinks this is going to be a fabulous proposal, but instead Scott simply tells Renee, “I’m ready to get married.” I’m ready to get married!?!?!? 8 weeks of Doc Ali treatment and THAT’S what you come with? Get down on your knee and do it the right way, man. Tell her you love her, shed a tear, pull out the ring. ASK HER THE ACTUAL QUESTION DAMMIT! Damn, I guess I wasn’t kidding when I said Scott and Spencer would make a deadly combination. Those two put up some of the most unproposing proposal’s I’ve ever seen.
And now for the most disgusting flirting session I’ve ever seen.
This not actually proposing proposal inspired me to think of some of the worst proposals or potential propsal’s I’ve ever heard of. After some serious thought I decided I’ve only heard of one proposal idea worse than Scott’s “proposal in the form of a statement in front of an ice sculpture with his own name on it” idea. Wanna hear it?
The worst proposal idea ever came from my ex boyfriend, who once told me that he thought it would be a good idea to propose to a girl by breaking up with her one day and then proposing the next. In his mind, this served as creating a dramatic low to high effect: Riddled with grief one day, ecstatic the next. Notice I said EX boyfriend.
That genious idea is just a touch more romantic than Jagged Edge’s romantic song lyric from the song Let’s Get Married : “We aint gettin no younger girl, we might as well do this.” Note to my future fiance: three words not to include in my proposal, “Might As Well.”
Anyway congrats Scott Baio, you’ve made Dr. McSteeny’s list of the top three worst proposal’s I’ve heard of. You’re welcome.
Despite my distaste for the form of proposal, Renee seemed to be fine with it, because she replied, “me too.” Then she whispered in Scott’s ear the phrase we’ve all been waiting to hear her confirm: “We’re gonna have a baby.” Hot damn! Hope Scott’s obscene pickiness of physical characteristics excludes bellies.
So that’s all she wrote. For now. Because this ending opens up the door for what I’ve already heard confirmed: season two of Scott Baio. Featuring Scott struggling to make his way through upcoming fatherhood. Scott Baio is 45…and a baby Daddy. Can you even wait? Yeah, me too.
The Doctor is out.