Greetings Gasmii, we’re back for another action (and by action I mean cleavage) packed episode of Scream Queens. Last week we learned that just because your daddy is a director, that doesn’t mean you can act your way out of a paper bag. Some girls laughed (mostly at the expense of other girls)! Some girls cried (I’m lookin’ at you, Weepy)! All the girls showed us their goodies while parading around in their underoos. Woot! God, I love this show.
So last week Tai found her way over to TVgasm and posted some comments on the recap. Aside from being surprisingly literate, she also took all my mockery really really well. This has increased my general level of “Like” for her quite a bit, but I don’t want you loyal readers to worry that I’m going to take it easy on her because of this. I took a loyal oath to preserve the snark and bitterness of my recaps for as long as I was alive and ‘cappin, and I take that oath very seriously. So Tai, since I assume you’re reading this, I think you’re kinda awesome but I will tear your ass apart every time VH1 gets a soundbite of you saying something stupid, and VH1 seems to have it out for you in the stupid soundbite department. Nothing personal. It’s my job. I’m just following orders.
That pentagram shit won’t work on me either, shoog, but I appreciate the cleavage.
Back to the action (cleavage). This week our wannabe Jigsaw victims will be portraying “Bad girls.” Not the kind that get all slutted up and take the Hot Mess Express on over to the Oxygen Network to drink their faces off and throw punches at each other. I’m sure that if that were the case we might see a dramatic improvement in the performances of some of our little starlets though.
No, our girls have to play murderous wenches of some sort, which is bad news for my fucked up psyche, because I find crazy girls incredibly hot. Like, holding a knife and covered in blood equals instant tripling of hot points in my mind. Have I mentioned I have issues? Cause… Yeah… I have issues. Like, more issues than National Geographic.
I love you, dream woman
So we open on last weeks batch of “safe” girls sitting around waxing intellectual on who they think got the axe. In walk our surviving hopefuls, and Churchstripper informs us that she’s super glad Sierra is back because the two of them bonded already. She gives her a big hug when she sees her come through the doorway, and reminds me of why it’s not so bad to be a short girl.
Yeah, any normal sized girl with heels on will shove her boobs in your face by default every time she hugs you. This is the real reason I don’t own a single pair of heels. Why would I want footwear that put me farther away from boobies? That’s just crazy talk.
Speaking of boobs, Tai reminds us all why she should stay in the competition by shaking off her nerves in a very low-cut top. The jiggling is epic. I will admit I rewound my Tivo a couple times to relive that moment. Keep on shakin’ sweetie. I’ll keep pretending I’m rooting for you based on your acting abilities. Deal?
For your Academy Award consideration
Sierra tells the confessional that being in the bottom two was the “Worst. Feeling. Ever.”
Worse than those six weeks I had the clap… Worse than getting sploog in my eye… Worse than that time I didn’t get the money up-front…
Sierra tells all the girls that the judges told her to stop wearing make-up. Tai tells the confessional that maybe she should be a little more worried about the fact that she can’t act than the fact that she looks like the Hooker-bot 2000. Weepy recounts her criticisms about the judges telling her she was off in Gabby-Land. I wonder where Gabby-Land is… I hope it’s near Mattress-Land and Futon-World. Cause she looks like she could use a nap or something.
And then the judges said I shouldn’t take my Ambien right before challenges anymore…
Onto the next challenge! Jamie gathers the girls, rocking the lesbian trucker look like only someone as hot as Jamie possibly could.
Why yes Jamie, I would love to accompany you to the Dinah Shore Golf Classic. Should we take your Subaru or mine?
She tells them they’ll be learning to portray evil. For their skills test they’ll be playing a vengeance-driven witch casting a spell on someone from their past. They get to write their own dialogue and choose their own costumes. For most of these girls dressing themselves is where their intellectual development peaked, so it’s nice for VH1 to make them feel good about something they can actually do.
You get a gold star!
Christine goes with modern-day witch (see: slutty high-school chick who saw The Craft too many times). Teenmom chooses to dress herself as a fucking fairy princess because blah blah something about her kid. Let’s start the Scream Queens drinking game now, and let’s all take a shot for unnecessary mentioning of child left at home.
I’d say take a shot for every bad career move these girls make, but I only have one liver.
Sierra puts a tutu on her head, disproving my earlier theory that these girls were intelligent enough to put on clothing.
Oh… No, honey. Just… Just… No.
Weepy is up first, and she’s dressed like a girl who just left a Renaissance Faire and is trying to steal ties from Wal-Mart.
Miss, I’m gonna need to see a receipt for those scarves.
She tells us she’s gonna call upon the wind and the rain and like the elements. Her dialogue isn’t good, but because my standards for her are so bloody low I consider it not bad either. It all goes to hell when she tries to stir her cauldron, can’t figure out how to operate the stick, and takes a mini-vaca into Weepy-Land again.
It’s okay honey. Sticks are complicated. Why don’t you go find something shiny to play with while the other kids deliver their lines.
Tai comes out looking like a bondage cowgirl stripper, reaches deep for her inner diva (pffft! Yeah, I’m sure that took a lot of reaching), and curses some girl named Sarah with split ends and no dates. For. EVER. Jamie seems amused, and maybe it’s just because of the lesbian trucker get-up, but she kinda appears to be undressing and doing unspeakable things to Tai with her eyes.
ChurchStripper chokes. Can’t think of a single thing to say, and basically giggles a lot and runs away. She looks good though. We get quick clips of those girls that VH1 continues to not find worthy of actual screen-time, and then it’s onto Sierra. Who still has a tutu on her head. She informs us of her plan to give 110% and I really want to throw my shoe at the television. You can’t just make up percentages, okay? You can give up to 100% and no more. If you’re gonna start adding on fake amounts all willy-nilly, why not just give eleventey-billiong percent or something? You fail at math. And acting. And life.
Sierra sucks, but she doesn’t suck harder than the vacuum of space this week, so… Nice progress? Christine is up next and she kicks ass. I’m pretty sure she’s got this one in the bag. Can she actually act? I think VH1 has been montage-ing most of her scenes, so it’s hard to say.
Jamie calls Sierra out for sucking again. And just Sierra. Haha. So unfair. I mean, she sucked, but Churchstripper didn’t even get a line out. Weepy couldn’t figure out the mechanics of a stick. Let’s tell them all they suck and not be so damned biased, okay? And the winner is…. Christine! She’s super excited and Jamie tells her she’s a really great actor. She sends the girls back to the house and tells them to hold onto their inner-bad girl because tomorrow they’ll be playing villains.
The Bad Girls of season four show em how it’s done
Sierra and Churchstripper talk about how they need to kick-ass in the acting class, which means according to the laws of reality television foreshadowing they are both going to suck epic levels of shit this week.
Maybe I could show 110% of my boobs…
Off to acting class, where CCP is trying to teach the girls how to express evil. Weepy and Tai are up first. Gabby is told to say the ABC’s, but use those letters to convey that she wants to kill Tai. Then she gets to use words, and tells Tai she’s gonna slit her throat. Pretty solid performance. Sierra’s up next, and it’s hilarious. There are loooooong pauses in-between letters, and I think our little porn star was so distracted by trying to remember what order the alphabet went in that she forgot to be menacing. CCP is not happy.
“I before E except after C… Carry the 2…”
Teenmom tells Weepy how she wants to poison her, and no one’s gonna miss her cause she’s a piece of shit. Mostly it’s pretty weak. More montage-ing over the girls that are any good, because we don’t tune in to see acting talent. We tune in for titties and broken dreams.
You’ve got the titties, and you’re just a couple of missteps away from the broken dreams…
So guess who doesn’t get montaged over? Guess. Oh yeah, it’s Churchstripper. CCP decides she needs to tell him how much she wants to kill him. She looks about as threatening as a pillowcase full of newborn kittens on nitrous oxide, and she can’t think of a single mean thing to say. CCP yells at her. She responds by choking. Again. But hey, if there are any openings in the new Saw movie for short girls with enormous boobs who don’t speak and always looks like she’s trying to do math problems in her head, then I think we’ve found our girl.
726 divided by 42…
With that, class is adjourned and it’s back to the house to watch Porn-star and Churchstripper cry about how much they suck.
Pity party? Anyone?
Oh hey, you know what would break up the tension of the day? If all these chicks would put on skimpy bikinis and jump in the hot tub out back. And bring a banana for no discernible reason.
I know I feel better.
Some chick in an inmate costume comes running out screaming and the girls freak out. A hand pops out of the inmate’s chest to no doubt deliver a note telling them to go get their scripts (c’mon, we did this last week ladies) and Tai hides behind a tree.
Two things sweetie: 1. It’s not real. 2. I can still see you.
Karlie mans up and takes the note from the hand, which is (surprise surprise) telling them to go pick up their scripts. They’re playing bad girls who want to cook their boyfriends for dinner. Sierra complains that evil is really complicated, but to be fair, Sierra hasn’t grasped the concept of tutu’s not going on your head yet. Abstract concepts like evil are pretty far past dressing yourself on the cognitive abilities scale. Baby steps, hooker-bot. Baby steps.
Someone will read the note to you. Just work on getting the underwear inside the pants.
It’s time for the director’s challenge. Hack Director Guy tells them that they’ll have to deliver dialogue about steak, and they have to portray their murderous intent through that beef-monologue. There to assist is some guy who is apparently an “Award Winning Actor.” My guess is that the award in question was a Razzie, cause all his movie credits are pretty embarrassing.
I also won a pee-wee football award in fourth grade
Up first is iPod girl. She’s been getting the montage treatment, so I’m looking forward to seeing if she can act. And the answer is… No. She sucks. Hack Director Guy gives her some tips that make her suck a bit less, so at least we know she can take direction.
I’m more than just a dancing silhouette, dammit!
Oh yayz! Porno is up, and minus about two pounds worth of make-up (which leaves her with only six pounds on her face). She goes for sexy, and lands straight on Cinemax After Hours Cooking Show. If that doesn’t exist yet, it should. Topless sluts showing me how to make eggs benedict sounds like something well worth setting the Tivo for. Yeah, never underestimate the depths of my shallowness.
I don’t even care that your kitchen is a badly rendered piece of clip art, just keep waving that spoon around and I’ll tune in.
Montage again! Tai, Hispanic, and Christine are apparently not worth seeing for more than five seconds a piece.
Quick question: Why are we wearing dishgloves to cut steak?
Karlie goes balls out and eats the raw steak while delivering her lines, and all the girls watching backstage FREAK OUT.
Oh yeah baby, I told you I like it raw
Teenmom is not good. The iPod girl keeps blaming it on Teenmom’s Chicago accent, but I think her terrible delivery of the lines at hand has been distracting me so much that I didn’t even realize she had an accent.
I need you to give me scary. What you’re giving me is stupid-y and five-head-y
Weepy’s turn! She does totally decent and doesn’t forget her name or what comes after “Action!” this week. Churchstripper is up next, and she keeps bitching about how there’s no evil in her. Duh! You look like an adorable Sunday school teacher. Go with that! Adorable Sunday school teachers are fucking terrifying!
I love steak. I also love puppies and unicorns and Jesus. Do you wanna watch Touched by an Angel?
She fully sucks hard though. I’m thinking it’s gonna be the Pornstar and the Churchstripper in the bottom two when the list goes up. Porn star prays to God that she’s not on the list, but god is busy bestowing earthquakes and floods on nations of poor people, so he doesn’t have time to make the other contestants suck less than her.
God’s a little busy fucking with brown people right now. You’re on your own.
Oooh! List time!!!! Christine is safe, so she reads off the names. Going for judgment are: Tai (who freaks out even though I would imagine she’s one of the top two), Church stripper (bottom), Teen mom (bottom), Porn star (bottom) and Weepy (top). These girls all act nervous, but seriously, if you saw all the performances and then got called out in the same group and the stripper and the hooker, would you be worried about your chances? Yeah, me neither.
Eggs, Milk, Butter, Laundry Detergent…
Porn-star cries and collapses and makes a really big deal out of the possibility of not winning a reality show that no one really gives two shits about anyway. Tai expresses doubt over whether she’s on the top or the bottom, and I just want to tell her not to worry. Look at your competition, sweetie. You just put on that cowgirl stripper outfit and show up on my doorstep and you can be on top or on bottom. Whichever one you want…
Something tells me you’re gonna choose top. Just a gut feeling.
The iPod girl tells Gabby that she better be the Leading Lady and all four of the other girls better be on the bottom cause they were all terrible. Whoa there! Bitter much? You didn’t even risk E.Coli for your reading so maybe we just back the hostility-train up and let the judges decide who sucks. I’ll give you a hint though… You’re middle of the pack on a good day.
Also, you’re still not 26
Teenmom is anxious, but she knows she did better than SOME PEOPLE. Haha. Yeah, it’s always great when you suck, but someone else is around to suck much much harder and take the focus off of you.
Back me up on this, K-Fed
Down in the judges chambers, Gabby and Tai get called forward. Duh, cause they don’t suck. Jamie tells Tai that she did totally awesome in her skills test. Hack Director Guy tells her she’s good, but she needs to get better. CCP tells her basically the same thing. She’s already better than everyone, but if the other girls improve they might pass her up.
We need less consistency and more bitchy stupid soundbites from you
Weepy gets told that she’s fascinating to watch and that when she pulls her head out of her ass she kicks butt. Hack Director Guy uses the term Wildcard.
Dee, continue being useless
Weepy needs to be more consistent, Tai needs to be less consistent. The winner is… Gabby. Ouch Tai. Always the bridesmaid, huh? You could wind up being the Tamyra Grey of Scream Queens if you’re not careful. Bring more of that bitchcrazy! The network loves that and then the judges won’t be able to give you the axe. You were way to nice to the other girls this week. I’m not mad… Just… Disappointed.
Deep breaths, clear your mind, find your inner bitchcrazy
Teenmom gets called down next and scolded for her Chicago accent. Hack Director Guy tells her that the still images were great, but the moving picture not so much. So… Yeah… You also just be pretty.
And maybe get bangs? Your giant forehead is distracting me from your boobies.
Anyway, Teenmom is safe, which leaves Hooker-bot and Churchstripper in the bottom two. The tears start a-flowing before a single word of criticism can be uttered. Churchstripper gets called out on being too sweet and one-dimensional. CCP yells at her for freezing up in class.
I have lots of dimensions. One is full of sunshine, and another is full of bunnies…
Jamie tells Porn-Star that it looked like the wardrobe vomited all over her during the skills test, and Hack Director Guy tells her she was like a stupid cheerleader the whole time she was on screen. Both girls say that they want to improve, but in the end it’s Churchstripper who gets the axe. More crying, more boob hugs, and one more week of hilarious awfulness from Porn-Star. Woot!
Oh would you two just make out already?
So we’re two episodes in and I’d say we’ve already got a pretty good handle on how this competition is going:
Girls that don’t suck:
Girls that may or may not suck
Weepy (it changes from week to week)
The iPod Girl (I’m leaning towards suck, but she’s got potential)
Girls that Suck Hard
So unless someone falls on their face really unbelievably hard next week, I think Porn-Star’s time is up. After that bottom-two meltdown she had this week, I can’t wait to see her hyperventilate over her third week in a row of outstanding achievement in suck.
So what do ya all think? Got a favorite yet? Anyone you want to punch in the throat? Talk to me, people.