Scream Queens: Finale

All right kids, this is it.  One last hour of this crap-ass acting and one of these girls will get the breakout role of a lifetime in Saw 3d.  If by ‘Breakout Role’ you mean ‘Launching pad into obscurity.’   Just remember, no one has heard of the wild fame achieved by last season’s winner, and she was actually a really talented actress.  These girls, not so much.  Although they are all hotter this season, so who knows.  American viewing audiences are nothing if not shallow.  Not that I’m judging seeing as how I’m about as deep as a puddle, but hey, lots of smoking hot chicks can act.  There’s no reason to put the ones that can’t in movies.

I heard there were horses under here and I always wanted a pony

Speaking of chicks that can’t act, let’s meet our finalists.

I dreamt I was on a shitty Vh1 reality show.  And you were there. And you were there.

This picture never gets old

 

I’m sorry, who were you again?

The final three are upstairs celebrating their journey to the final three.  One of those three is going home the next day, and only the final two will move on to the final screen test.  My money’s on Christine going home, but hey, what do I know?  I would’ve eliminated Weepy in week three.

So it’s skills test time, but this test will end with the immediate elimination of one of our homicide hopefuls.  They’ll be doing a “Gauntlet” which is a chase scene shot in one long continuous take.  There will be running, hiding, twisting, turning, and fire.  Woot!  Fire!!  I hope Weepy misses her mark and gets lit up like the sky on the fourth of July.  All three judges are there for this test, and they send the ladies off to hair and make-up.

Even when other people dress them they’re still hopeless fashion victims

Hack Director walks each girl through the scene, which is comprised of the actress walking down the street, getting a cell-phone call from a creepy dude that’s watching her,  getting in her car to drive away, being grabbed by said creepy guy in the back seat, biting the creepy guy, running away, getting tackled after running through a playground, getting back up, hitting creepy dude with a stick, creepy dude getting lit on fire, and then a super cheesy line of dialogue.  Everyone follow that?  Yeah, it doesn’t matter if you did.  Let’s see who fucks this up royally.

Hispanic is up first.  She takes a little too long to get in the car the first time out, but as per usual, she follows direction well and gets it right on take two.  Unfortunately she overplays her leg injury during the fight and has to go for take three, which is her final take.  She rocks it, because she rocks everything.  Come on.  If she were gonna bite it I think she would have shown some sign of cracking by now.

I can’t talk right now, I’m auditioning for a shitty horror movie

Next is Christine.  CCP says she just looks like a victim even when she’s just walking down the street, and asks her to turn up the personality a bit.  Her second take is much much better, but still a little boring.. Third take was even better than that, but still boring.  Christine is boring.  Sorry, but she is.

Wake me up when someone with boobs is on screen

Okay, time for Weepy.  This should be entertaining.  Her first take she gets called out for overacting, but manages to tone it down a bit for the second take.  Even though her acting gets much better, she (shockingly) can’t stay on mark, gets ahead of the camera, and has to hope for a rockin’ take on her third and last try.  She follows her direction well, and the third take is totally decent.  Unless the producers really want to send a white chick off to get murdered by Jigsaw then I’d say Christine is getting the axe here.

How many fingers am I holding up?

It’s judgment time!  Jamie gives them all the blah blah you’re all stars talk that people should really stop giving to competitors at some point before they graduate elementary school.  You’re not all winners, okay?  In fact, all but one of you is a loser.  Losing builds character.  It teaches you how to gracefully accept defeat, try harder next time, and decide if your dreams are really worth pursuing, or if maybe you need a slap across the face from reality before you go embarrassing yourself on national TV.

This guy has got a whole lot of participant ribbons in his room

CCP says something similar about how it’s so hard to decide, but in the end Jamie axes Christine.  Christine cries a lot and Jamie blows a bunch of smoke up her ass about how talented she is.  Whatever Jamie.  Stop being nice to these girls.  At some point you cross the line from encouraging to enabling.

The next morning Weepy and Hispanic are getting ready when the phone rings and someone tells them there’s a limo waiting.  Said limo takes them to a screening room, where the girls get a message from that creepy little Jigsaw puppet thing.  They have to do their own portrayal of Cary Elwes getting a phone call from his daughter in the original Saw movie.  This will be their final director’s challenge before a winner is announced.  They get sent back to the limo to pick up their scripts, and freak out over it.

As… you…wish…!!!!!!!!

Back at the house it’s time for their final acting class.  They’ll be doing the scene from their challenge the next day.  Hispanic is up first and talks about creating a reality, but comes off fairly wooden.  Weepy goes next and kinda sucks too.  CCP yells at them a bunch, cause that’s just kinda what he does.  He’s a dickwad, but he’s effective for the most part.  I work best when I’m terrified of failing, and so do these girls.

Terror gets results

Hispanic goes again, and she’s better, but still kinda meh in my opinion.  CCP seems impressed though, and he’s the acting coach here so blah blah blah.  Weepy goes next and CCP yells at her for not being able to cry.  Weepy makes me laugh by saying that in real life it takes a highly traumatic event to get that emotional and serious.  Yeah, sure Weepy.  And apparently highly traumatic events happen eighteen times a day in her little world.  Jesus!  How can someone who cries over EVERYTHING have such a hard time crying when she’s supposed to?

Just pretend that someone took all your scarves…

CCP takes her through some sad thoughts so she can get the waterworks going.  In the end she actually kinda rocks.  Even through my general distaste for her I think her final performance in class was solid and convincing.  So good job, super annoying chick.  I kinda hope you catch on fire, but at least you’re showing us some talent this episode.

Just sayin…

Hispanic and Weepy take turns talking about their journey to the finale, while Vh1 shows us clips from the season we just watched.  Really?  Did we need all this filler?  It’s the fucking finale for fuck’s sake.  Maybe we should spend more time watching the girls compete.  I get the feeling I’m gonna be dropping a record number of F-bombs during this recap, so let’s just get a few out of the way now.  Fuck fuckety fuckfuckfuck.

You may notice that I’ve taken to using a lot of random images from Google image search as opposed to actual screen grabs.  This is because Vh1′s video player is being a tempermental bitch and I’m sick of dealing with it.  Fuck you, buffering bar.  What the fuck is buffering anyway?

All right, it’s time for the final director’s challenge. And for this one they won’t be doing the challenge with their usual hack director.  They’ll be working for the hack director who has been directing all the shit-ass Saw sequels. He also directed a movie called Mother’s Day which is coming out soon and stars Jamie King, so I’m guessing that’s why she’s a judge on this show.

One crappy horror movie does not a scream queen make. Even if it is in 3d…

I like Jamie a lot, but she has always seemed really out of place with the title of Scream Queen.  I did an imdb search on her just to double-check, and while she has quite a few movies under her belt, the only splatter film is My Bloody Valentine.  I’m not complaining about getting to look at her every week, cause chica is hot as hell, but I really don’t get the decision to make her a judge and call her a Scream Queen.

You were in Sin City, for fuck’s sake. Go with that.

So Hispanic is taking on the scene first.  Hack Director #2 tells her that he likes to have his actors come in and do the scene with no direction first.  Just do what they think is right.  I don’t know how I feel about this Zen minimalist directing style.  It feels lazy.  Oh well, let’s see what our token Hispanic chick has to offer in the way of motivation.

She makes it about twenty seconds in before HD2 calls cut and tells her a dozen different things to do differently.  As per usual, Hispanic follows direction extremely well and does a nice job.  There are a few more cuts called and a lot more direction given, and HD2 gives her accolades on her ability to take that direction and turn out a solid take.  With that her turn is over and she cries a little and tells us that she hopes her performance was good enough to win.  If I were her I’d be hoping that Weepy has a melt-down and ruins her own chances, but hey, sportsmanship is not one of my many virtues.

You don’t need virtues.  Cause you have boobs, which are cheat codes for life.

Weepy’s turn!  She’s a bit overhyped the first take.  Like she got knocked out to be kidnapped, but then woken up with a massive dose of crystal meth.  HD2 asks her to tone it down a bit, and she does decently the second time around.  After one more cut and round of advice Weepy manages to knock out a totally good performance.

If this were Top Chef and everyone were being judged strictly on their performance from this one week then I’d say it was a really close race.  Both girls did totally decently this week.  Granted, by normal movie standards they both sucked pretty hard, but Vh1 reality shows are a powerful tool in lowering ones standards, and mine are now so low that I consider a successful screen test to be one where the actress starts after the director says, “Action” and doesn’t wear a tutu on her head.

Speaking of lowered standards…

Okay, it’s judging time.  The producer of Saw 3d is there to guest judge, along with the three regular judges.  Jamie calls Weepy down first and tells her the same thing we’ve been hearing all season.  That when she’s on she’s great and when she’s off she’s like a special ed student tying to recite Macbeth from memory.

Hispanic gets called forward next.  Jamie tells her she’s hot and strong and sexy and smart.  CCP calls her fearless, although he does call her out on her little diva outburst from last week.  Hack Director tells her she has great range and she could play anything.  So who wins?  Who???????   Producer dude tells them that it’s going to come down to which actress is best suited to their movie franchise.

And the winner is….   Weepy.  Dude, really????  Hispanic is clearly surprised she didn’t win.  Yeah, me too shoog.  Well, I might watch the new Saw movie now just because I want to see Weepy die a horrible death so badly, so maybe that was their goal all along.  Create a reality series, give the most annoying girl on the show a role in a splatter film, watch people line up to see the carnage.  It’s like when they put Paris Hilton in House of Wax.

So worth the $6.50 matinee ticket

My DVR cuts off there, so I don’t get to hear the end of Weepy’s speech, but um… I don’t really care.  My guess is it went something like, “Sniffle, sob, I feel so fortunate, sob sob, I’ve learned so much, sniffle, Tai is mean, sob sob sob.”

Okay kids, does anyone think the final outcome was pretty stupid.  I know some of you were Weepy fans and didn’t hate her like I did, but do you actually think she deserved the role over Hispanic?  I’m actually curious here, because I just don’t get it.  Not that I expect to understand much in a reality TV season where I had to watch Jersey Moobs get handed the title of Top Chef…

I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!!!

Okay everyone.  I now have an episode of Sister Wives to watch and recap, so you’ll be hearing from me again very soon.  Stay classy.  Or don’t.  Actually, probably don’t.  I like you all better trashy.