Scream Queens: Give Me Sexy

Hey there loyal readers.  I know, I know… My ass is late on the cappage.  You see kids, there comes a time every year when a young girl’s mind turns to thoughts of dust and illicit drugs and hot naked women.  When days are spent sewing costumes and painting signs for camp and trying to figure out if you still know any drug dealers because you haven’t wanted any drugs since last year’s Burning Man and somehow managed to lose touch with all the pushers you knew in college.  Yes, this past week has been a mad scramble to prepare myself for a week of debauchery, and as such me and my couch have grown a bit distant.  Oh sure, we see each other in passing, but we haven’t really spent any quality time together.  All that’s changing now though, because even though I have about a million things left to do, I have a responsibility to my Gasmii, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna take off to party before I get it done.

So last week on Scream Queens, Porn Star won leading lady, even though (or maybe because) she sucked.  Teenmom continued her reign of mediocrity, but Karlie managed to do worse and get sent packin.  Oh, and all the girls got covered in maggots.  Woot!

That’s  just never not funny

Tonight, we’ll have a sexy photo shoot, a sexy challenge, and a throw-down.  Yay!  This whole being nice to each other thing was really getting on my nerves.   We open on the safe girls sitting on the carpet of safety, and in walk the three survivors of the judging process.  Everyone expresses happiness over the booting of Karlie.  The iPod girl tells everyone that she has a mean face and she doesn’t know what to do about it.  My suggestion would be to stop being a raging cuntface, but I don’t mean that seriously because your cuntiness keeps me entertained.

You’re even terrifying when you’re sad.

In walk the hopefuls to a great big photo studio. Jamie is waiting for the girls with the producer or Fangoria Magazine, Debbie Rochon.  They say she’s some kind of horror movie icon/scream queen, but she doesn’t look familiar to me.  My good buddy imdb tells me that she’s been in 181 movies, including such gems as Lusty Busty Fantasies,  Lingerie Party Massacre, The Erotic Ghost, and Scrotal Vengeance.  I shit you not.  There is a movie called Scrotal Vengeance.  Why on earth this movie is not yet on my Netflix queue is beyond me.  I should get on that.

For your academy award consideration…

Jamie tells them that they have to be sexy today, and since all the girls think they’re hotter than shit, they’re all super confident.  Oh, except for Christine, who actually is kinda hot but doesn’t think she is.  Today’s challenge is a photo shoot where the girls will portray sexy DVD cover art that pays homage to classic horror films,  and the winner will get a guaranteed callback (as per usual) and also a layout in Fangoria Magazine.  Jamie has handpicked the characters for each girls and the rundown is:

Weepy — Shower girl from Psycho
Christine — Wicked Schoolgirl
Hispanic — Evil Nurse
Teen mom — Serial Killer
Porn Star — Girl alone in the house answering the phone from When a Stranger Calls
Tai — Bride of Frankenstein
The iPod Girl — Mother of a possessed child, ala The Omen/Rosemary’s Baby

Everyone is stoked on their assignments except for iPod girl who hates kids and parents and possessions and pretty much everything in the world.  Oh, and guess what???  She hates her outfit too.  And she doesn’t hate it quietly either.

This girl talks in ampersands and pound signs more than I do

First up is Christine, who is a bit awkward, but Debbie helps her out by having her scream and throw stuff.  I know that always makes me feel better.

Welcome to the middle of the pack

Hispanic pulls off the sexy part but not the scary part right away.  Debbie tells her she needs to, “Bring the horror element to the picture.”  Aren’t homonyms fun, you guys?  She gets confused by the whole having to, “Scream horror with her eyes” and YAY again for homonyms!  She pulls out a couple okay shots in the end.

Pretty sure that’s not how you hold a syringe.  My god, did you even go to medical school?

The iPod girl is next, and you’d think someone that hated children so much would be stoked to pose with her bloody hands over a baby carriage.  She’s still pissed about not being dressed as slutty as the other bitches though, and everyone looks at her a bit dumbfounded by her suckiness.

Jamie’s giving us “What the Fuck” with her eyes.  See?  Acting!

She takes her direction pretty well too though, and knocks out a pretty good photo in the end.

There’s an easy joke here, but I’m gonna keep it classy and not say it

Weepy gets told to scream with her eyes, and if any of you readers watch Top Model I hope the first thing that popped into your head was “Scr-eyes-ing”  Fuck you Tyra Banks.  The English language does not exist solely for your amusement.  Anyway, she kicks ass. Weepy, not Tyra.  Tyra sucks.

No, you’re screaming with your mouth. Scream with your eyes.

Porn Star is in a get-up that looks just like what Drew Barrymore wore when she got iced ten minutes into the first Scream movie.  She’s lame, as per usual.

What do you mean I’m paying to much for my long distance?

Tai is told to look vacant, which should be easy for a girl who gets confused so easily, but she kinda bites this challenge pretty hard.  Even Porn Star talks shit.

No, you’re giving me iPod girl.  I need more vacant, less cunty.

Teenmom knocks her shoot outta the park, and have I mentioned that my disturbing attraction to crazy chicks makes this about the hottest thing I’ve ever seen in my life ever?  Cause damn.  She’s got an axe and I’ve got issues.  We’re a match made in heaven.  I’m hoping we have an upset here and she takes the win, because it’d be hilarious.  Both of the two worst actresses would have immunity for the week.  Hahahaha.  Someone with actual talent would have to go home.

I just got drool on my keyboard.

Okay, time for judging.  The winner is………. Teenmom!   Sweet!  That’s gonna piss off all the girls that aren’t horrible this week.  Jamie says that there’s a surprise for some of them, and then tells Porn Star and Christine that they’re getting makeovers.  Okay, even my super gay ass loves a good make-over, but way to call out and pick on people.  Why not just give everyone a make-over?  Dick move, Jamie.

Next week we’re putting two of you on diets…

Christine seems terrified, and Jamie asks them if they’re willing to cut their hair.  Christine reluctantly agrees to do it, and shows promise of being the Crying over a Haircut girl for this show.  Porn Star is screaming for a make-over (or under, as it would be) so she’s excited.  Christine is ALREADY bawling and she doesn’t even know how much of her hair is getting cut off yet.  Save the crying for when the electric trimmer comes out, okay?  Or, ya know, for something actually worth crying over.  Here’s a hint:  Getting your hair cut by a Hollywood stylist is not one of those things.

She’s not crying, and she was married to K-Fed.

Onto the salon!  We see like ten seconds of shampooing and then Vh1 cuts away to all the girls who didn’t need make-overs sitting around anxiously awaiting the arrival of their made-over competitors.  In they come, and they look great.  Christine cried for nothing, cause they barely cut off any of her hair.  They just gave her layers and really nice color.  Oh, and they made Porn Star look like a human.  I might have to stop calling her Porn Star.  Here’s the before and afters:

So after some hugging and telling the girls they look nice, everyone heads off to see Captain Cranky Pants for their acting class.  He compliments Porn Star’s hair and she starts giggling like a schoolgirl who just got asked to prom by the quarterback.  Ummm… Ew.  Like, dude is twice her age and probably wasn’t even attractive twenty years ago.  Can everyone say “Daddy Issues”?  Cause she’s got em.

Stop it!

Today’s acting lesson is about making a margarita, and doing it as sexy as possible.  Dude, margaritas are always sexy.  They have tequila in them.  CCP tells the girls to seduce him with every movement they use to make the drink.  Most of them look a little skeezed out, but Porn Star looks like she just won the creepy old guy lottery or something.  Gross.

Tai says she can’t seduce him because she’s terrified of him.  I would be too.  I bet he’s got a white van with no windows parked  outside.

Or free movie roles…

Hispanic can’t turn the sexy on for CCP, and neither can Christine.  Tai does good for about ten seconds before she starts laughing.  The iPod girl has similar problems.  Oh, but then it’s Porn Star’s turn.  Come on, hooker-bot.  Show us all why you won last week.  No no, not your fine acting abilities.  Your finding old judges sexy abilities.  She’s arguably the least sexy of any of them.  Gabby gives him more homicidal than sexy, and Teenmom basically gives him a lap dance.

Don’t do it CCP!  You don’t know where that finger’s been!

CCP tells them he needs more subtle, less slutty.  At least until class is over.  After that, please turn the slutty back on.  As much as this whole challenge is creeping me out, ya gotta give it to CCP.  He’s good at getting them to do what they should be doing.  He even gets iPod girl to look less like a homicidal cuntrag.

I’ll still eat your soul, but I won’t call you fat first now

Christine struggles, Porn Star Porns, Tai is hot, Gabby does pretty well… Blah blah blah.  Yes, hot girls are sexy.  Hot girls with booze are even sexier.  Thanks for the reminder Vh1.  I think that should maybe be the network’s new tag-line. Vh1:  Bringing slutty girls together with booze for your entertainment.

Exhibit: A

After class the gaggle of girlies are giggling  in their room when there’s a knock on the door.  In walks a UPS man talking about his big package in a manner that is generally accompanied by some *bow chicka bow wow* music in the background.  He takes out a boom box and does the least sexy strip-tease in the history of strip-teases.  Oh, and he hands the ladies their scripts.  They have to play a stripper with a giant python who seduces a client so she can eat him or something.  I dunno.  I kinda zoned out.

Can’t imagine what could have caused me to lose focus on my television

Tai starts freaking out because she’s terrified of snakes.  Yeah, well, I’m terrified of my garbage disposal (no really, that fucking thing wants my blood) but I still hit the switch on the wall when it needs to be done.  Suck it up and touch the snake!

This image will haunt my dreams

So it’s the next day and it’s time for the director’s challenge.  Tai still isn’t sure if she can do the scene at all, when out comes Bruce.  He’s a big ass fucking snake.  Their character is a stripper who is part reptile, and I bet this plot is from a movie that the Fangoria photo shoot chick was in.

Here’s another one to add to the Netflix queue

Off to wardrobe, and once again we get to see all this nice lookin’ ladies in very little clothing.  And I didn’t even have to change out my paycheck for singles, so woohoo!  Hispanic is up first and gets directed to dance with the snake and make love to the snake.  Gross.  But she comes out swinging the challenge.  She’s not much of a dancer, but I guess I shouldn’t judge because it’s probably touch to shake your booty with a hundred pound snake as a scarf.  She does a good job though.  I’ve got nothing really to make fun of.  Damn!

No comment…. Because I need both hands to type

Oh hey, Weepy is up.  I’m sure I’ll have something to make fun of here.  In true Weepy fashion, she misses her cue and comes wandering out onto the stage while the lights are still off.  She fucks it up repeatedly, then fucks up all the other marks she’s supposed to hit.  Christine gets a little butt-hurt because all the other chicks are making fun of Weepy backstage, and she likes Weepy.  Oooh!  I hope this is the beginning of the bitch-fight they’ve been teasing us with in the previews.

When THESE girls are judging you, you’re near rock bottom

Porn Star does the scene like, well, like a Porn Star.  At least she looks a little less like one now though.  She gets the montage treatment, along with Christine and Teenmom.  All the focus is on Tai, and how she’s scared of snakes.  Yeah, we get it, okay?  Snakes are creepy and one that size actually could kill you if it wanted to and you’re scared.  You’re either gonna man-up and get through the scene or you’re not.  Let’s watch some challenges, Vh1!  You did this crap to us with Teenmom and her fear of maggots last week.  No one cares.

Seriously, which thing is this picture is scarier?

Oh hey, iPod girl is getting ready to go out on stage.  She tells the camera that she’s gonna kick ass because she’s a dancer.  Hey, did you guys know that iPod girl was a trained dancer?  Cause she’s never mentioned that before.  This is news to all of us clearly, so thank goodness she let us know.  Let’s hope we don’t forget, huh?  Cause she might not mention it again at the next challenge.  And the challenge after that.

Yes, we’re all very impressed by whatever the hell this is

Let’s see if she can turn off the psycho bitch face.  And the answer is… No.  Hack Director keeps telling her not to open her eyes all the way, cause it’s freaky looking.  She doesn’t really listen though, so I’m thinking she’s bottom two this week.  If Tai can’t handle the python she’ll be up there with her, but otherwise this week is kind of a crap-shoot.  I think Hispanic is probably leading lady, but all the other performances sort of blended together into a mediocrity milkshake.

I’m scared.  Bring back the snake!

Finally, it’s Tai’s turn.  The handler gives her the snake and if she actually is as scared of snakes as she’s been claiming then she’s doing a damn good job covering it up.  She seems pretty calm, all things considered.  She delivers her dialogue kinda weirdly slow, but then she does this cute little quick single eyebrow raise, and it’s hot as all hell.  Hack Director tells her to take the sexy down a little.  Her acting isn’t as good as usual, but I think she was focusing all her acting abilities on acting like she didn’t want to throw that snake across the room and run screaming with her arms over her head.

Yeah baby, you wanna touch my snake?

With that the Director’s Challenge draws to a close, and hey, it’s time for some gossip!  Woot!  Christine is telling Weepy about all the mean things the other girls were saying about her.  Ya know, if you’re really someone’s friend and you don’t like the way other people are talking about her then you should defend her to them in the moment.  Running and telling on them afterward is what you do before you hit puberty.  Maybe they should all settle this shit by the monkey bars after third period.

Watch out cause Christine will totally squeal on you

Weepy goes off to hide under the blankets and cry, like all grown-ups do when confronted with the fact that maybe not everyone they’re competing against on a reality show has nice things to say about them.  Weepy wants people to like her, which goes against all the rules of reality television because she’s not supposed to be there to make friends.

Somebody seriously needs to start making out.  Like now.

So, commercial break, and the very first commercial is for this new show called Nikita.  Vh1 goes all lame on us and does some cross-promotion where we’ll get a sneak peek of Nikita during next week’s Scream Queens, and then they show us clips from that episode where you can clearly see which girl got sent home.  What the fuck, Vh1?  I know I’m doing this recap five days late, but this episode was recorded on Monday night.  Way to ruin the suspense for me.  I guess I’ll be nice and not spoil it for all of you guys though.

Weepy throws on her fightin’ scarf to confront the other girls.

The scarf means business

She says that they’re always dicks and talk shit about her when they’re watching her perform.  Uh… Only when you suck, sweetie.  She claims she never does that to any of them, and I’ll be damned if I’ve got time to go back through the old episodes to check for Weepy’s commentary on the crappy performances from before, but I’m pretty sure I’ve heard her talk a bit of shit too.  Maybe the problem isn’t so much the other girls being mean as it is you sucking at following directions.  Maybe if you want them to not make fun of you then you should try and be less terrible.

Totally off-topic, but is iPod hanging a spoon off her nose back there?

Tai tells her that they all talk about all the performances and to stop trying to pick a fight.  Weepy says she doesn’t wanna discuss it with Tai.  Tai says that if she doesn’t wanna discuss it maybe she should shut up.  Oh hells yeah!  Smack down!  Let’s go!  I got twenty bucks on the black girl from Chicago taking out the weepy blonde from New Mexico.  Is that racist?

I think that spoon is still hanging

Weepy starts doing that whine/yell thing that really insecure spoiled bitches do when they wanna really yell but still want everyone to like them.  You all know that thing.  Tai gets up and asks weepy if she knows who she’s yelling at.  That’s a fair question, considering the fact that Weepy still hasn’t mastered that whole, start AFTER the director says action thing.  There’s some super grown-up arguing, which I feel the need to transcribe for you all because come on, we’ve been waiting for these bitches to start hating each other all season.  Let’s enjoy the bitchcrazy, shall we?

Gabby: *in obnoxious whine/yell* “You just wanna arguuuuuuue.”
Tai: “Calm down, Hurricane Gabby.  Calm down.”
Gabby: “No yoooou calm dooown.”
Tai: “I’m fine, sweety.”
Gabby: “Don’t call me sweetheart.”  Note that Tai in fact called her sweety and not sweetheart.  Just sayin…
Tai: “Look honeybunches.”  
Gabby: “No you’re beeing like, really condescending.”
Tai:  “I think you’re just overly sensitive and I don’t think that you’re the best actress in this house but you’ve got a great look, but this isn’t a modeling competition, it‘s an acting competition. PERIOD. ”  Note how the master mean girls can call you pretty and make it sound like a wicked burn.  
Gabby: “Uh!  Okay, that’s great.”
At this point Weepy turns to walk away, but Tai’s all fired up from the last two weeks of being nice to people, and she wants to settle this shit outside.  Weepy says she doesn’t wanna fight Tai ever, so Tai tells her to walk away then, and with that we’re over and done with the only decent argument this house has seen.  Got I hope Tai and Weepy make top two so I can watch their hatred for each other grow and grow.  Something tells me Weepy’s days are numbered though.

This has nothing to do with anything. This girl’s faces just crack me up

Okay, so after all that excitement it’s time to read the list of delusional starlets off to see the judges.  Teenmom reads off the names, and it’s Hispanic, Weepy, and iPod Girl.  Well we all know Hispanic is the clear winner here, which leaves our two blondes left to fight it out for the last spot.  Scary eyes vs. Weepy.

Run, Weepy!!!!!

Hispanic thinks she might actually be in the top, and clearly I agree.  Weepy thinks that sometimes greatness comes out of her (whatever the fuck that means) and that she doesn’t think she’s going home yet.  Did she see the preview for Nikita?  Cause, um…  Yeah, well.  Fuck you, Vh1.

Hispanic gets called forward first.  Jamie tells her she’s mature and youthful and sexy and fun and good at acting.  Hack Director says that she’s great at taking a re-direct, and calls her a star.  She’s the leading lady, and steps to the side to watch the blondes get chewed out.

Weepy gets the business for being incapable of getting her incredibly simple cues right.  iPod girl gets called out for pretty much everything but the way she moves.  Her speech, her crazy eyes, her mean face… I think dancing silhouette may be the perfect role for this girl.  Just take out all the crappy parts, throw in some white head phones, and she’s a staaaaaah.

So who goes home?  It’s iPod girl.  Weepy gets another week to fight with Tai and not be able to follow simple directions.  Yayz!

iPod girl says she knows she messed up, but there are girls upstairs that are uglier and suck way more than her, so she’s pissed.  Awww… Don’t forget that they lack your charm and sparkly personality.

Okay kids, let’s hear it. Are they giving the mini-challenge wins to the worst girls each week just to keep things interesting?  Is crying over a hair-cut the lamest thing you can do on reality tv?  Are you rooting for anyone yet?