Scream Queens: Now Porn Star Free!

Hey hey loyal readers.  It’s time for another nail-biting, action packed hour of Scream Queens.  Now Porn Star Free!  Woohoo!   Last time on Scream Queens, Hispanic won Leading Lady, Christine showed massive improvement, Tai gave us all a scare when choked on all three challenges for the week, but in the end it was Porn Star who FINALLY got the axe.  It’s about damn time.

How long can handjobs keep you in a competition?  The answer would appear to be Top Five

Our weekly Vh1 supplied flashback reminds us that Tai and Weepy still hate each other.  Well that’s good to know. Hugs are lame.

Weepy learned her fighting stance on Ru-Paul’s Drag Race

Hispanic and Weepy are doing the weekly “We’re safe so let’s wax intellectual about the girls down in the Grand Ballroom” thing.  Weepy asks Hispanic who she thinks is in the bottom and Hispanic tells her that before The List got posted she assumed it would be Weepy and Christine.  Weepy makes her incredulous face and whines a bit, and just then Tai and Christine come in and Weepy does nothing to hide her dismay that Tai is back.  Hispanic mentions that she’s never been in the bottom and she’s been Leading Lady three times and she’s totally awesome and blah blah blah.  Yeah, congrats.  You’re the least shitty actress out of a handful of drama-club rejects with nice racks.  Be sure to put that on your resume when you’re auditioning for “Confused girl #3″ on the next Sci-Fi channel original movie about some sort of scary sea creature hybrid thingy.

Sharktopus:  I wish I was making this up

Tai tells the diary room camera that she’s been focusing too much on hating Weepy and it’s affecting her ability to be a good actress.  So liking Weepy made Christine a shitty actress and hating Weepy made Tai a bad actress.  That girl is some sort of acting vampire who sucks the talent out of you if you spend too much time in her presence.  I wonder what she does with it… Maybe she’s saving it up to use on the poor shmucks she’ll be scamming singles out of when her career implodes and she has to go work at Diamond Dolls Gentlemen’s Club.

I find you totally fascinating and I’m working my way through veterinary school and you’re so the type of guy I could see myself dating…

It’s skills test time!  Jamie is waiting by a table full of candles and tells the ladies that they’ll be acting in “Altered states.”  No, not the classic Sci-Fi mindbender from my childhood, and no they’re not gonna do a bunch of acid and see who can maintain their composure the best through a scene(although I’d love to see that challenge).

Shoulda waited to eat that eighth of shrooms until they explained the whole challenge…

What we have here is something much less interesting.  They all have to play a woman possessed by a ghost.  They will have to do a seance to call upon the spirit of a dead slutty chick, who will then enter their body (haha, sluts entering bodies… there’s an easy joke in there), speak through them, and leave their bodies.  I hope that the end of this skills test involves a trip to the free clinic, because once a slutty chick has entered and left your body it’s a good idea to get checked.  ***rimshot***  See?  Easy joke.

Weepy goes first.  Holy god, make the scarves stop!!!! Jesus christ woman!  She calls upon the spirit and then has a coughing fit (cause spirit’s enter through your lungs I guess).  Then she goes slutty chick, and then she dry heaves up the spirit.  Christine thinks she was awesome.  I want some of what Christine’s been smoking

Maybe if your scarf wasn’t so tight you’d stop choking all the time, bitch

Hispanic goes next and tells us that she’s great at playing sexy.  When the spirit enteres her body she turns into a raver on shit-tons of ecstacy, which is a strange choice because being a slutty chick does not mean you want to rub yourself and moan non-stop.  Trust me, I know because I’m a slutty chick and I never run around rubbing myself and moaning in public.  Unless I’m on shit-tons of ecstacy.

Sluts don’t sit around rubbing their nipples.  They have other people to do that for them…

Christine does a similar sort of thing to what Hispanic did, which is the slutty horny drugged out thing.  Bleh.

Someone put a spoon in her mouth!

Tai comes out and decides to go another way with it and play a girl who got a bad rep from some asshole guy but who isn’t really a tramp.  Her performance is excellent and it’s good to see my girl rockin’ it again.  Please beat Weepy.  I wanna see her cry about how unfair it is and how much she hates you.

Incredulous face!

Time to announce the winner, and this week it’s…. Tai.  Woot!  Jamie gives her a little wink/head nod and mouths ‘good job.’  Is it just me, or is there a little somethin’ somethin’ going on between Jamie and Tai?  Or am I just seeing that because I really wanna picture those two doing a little of the bow-chicka-bow-wow?

You can collect your prize in my bedroom after the other girls go to sleep

So after the skills test the girls all sit around and talk about the day.  Weepy does one of those, “Good job even though I hate you and want you to die” things and tells Tai, “Well, you certainly didn’t over-act this week.”  Christine says she went sexy because she wanted to challenge herself.  Hispanic takes the moment to tell everyone that she’s the best at sexy and that she’s also strong in sad, and rage is something she excels at as well.  Tai says what everyone’s thinking and tells her to just go ahead and say she’s amazing already.

I also excel at sitting in orange chairs and bending my fingers in awkward directions

Time for acting class.  Captain Cranky Pants wants them to play drunk this week.  He says it’s incredibly difficult to do, and it’s likely that they’ll have to do it at some point in a horror flick.  He gives them tips on how to slur and drunk stare.  Everyone nails it except for Weepy.  Haha!  Is it bad that I hate that whiny little bitch so much that nothing makes me happier than her getting yelled at?

I’m tired of posting shots of Weepy. Let’s take a moment and appreciate Tai’s amazing rack.

Today’s scene involves the girls pretending to be drunk and professing their love for their boss, played by Captain Cranky Pants.  Umm… Is it just me or is acting class quickly becoming “Captain Cranky Pants’ Weekly Masturbation Material” class?

From acting class straight to bottle of Jergens and a tissue now that Porn Star’s gone.

Christine is up first and she’s totally great.  Tai is next and she struggles a bit at first, but turns out an acceptable performance after a couple tries.  Weepy is next and she’s lame, but hey, she’s pretty much always lame.  Hispanic goes last and is excellent.  After Hispanic’s awesome performance Weepy starts weeping because she’s disappointed in herself, so CCP tells her to get back up there and do it again.  She does much better the second time around, and Hispanic is all pissed off because she says Weepy sucked until she saw her performance and ripped it off.

Get used to it cause there’s lots more weeping where that came from

Hispanic kinda flips the fuck out and cries and yells about how it’s not fair that Weepy gets another chance and CCP chews her out for being an insecure diva.  Hmmm… The editing this week suggests we might be seeing Hispanic take her first trip on down to the bottom two.

Or someone refused to give an editor their weekly hand-job…

After class Hispanic is all sorts of weepy and emo, and Tai does her best to comfort her.  You know what makes me feel better when I’m all emo?  Making out with hot chicks.  I’m just sayin…

There.  I know I feel much better now.

Time for the weekly fake scary shit to announce where their scripts are.  The ladies follow a trail of bloody hockey masks to a mirror that says to say Victor’s name three times and he’ll appear with their scripts.  Tai freaks out and tries to stop everyone from saying his name because, “He’s gonna pop up and kill us! Shut up!”  Oh Tai, sweety, this is why I love you so.  Well, the dumb and the boobs.  And because you threaten Weepy with bodily harm via tin-foil.  But mostly it’s the dumb.  Okay, and the boobs.

Yep.  Those are nice boobs.

They say Victor three times and a dude in a mask jumps out of the bath-tub, and all the bitches run and hide while he waves their scripts around.  What the hell is wrong with these chicks?

He’s got a script!!!!  Run!!!!!!!

If our acting careers don’t work out we should all go into rocket science

So their challenge is to play a serial killer, and they have to do sexy mixed with sociopathic.  Hey, I’ve dated a couple of sexy sociopaths in my time.  I could totally rock this challenge.

Weepy is proclaiming that she’s gonna trust her instincts and rock it, Hispanic is determined to make up for her outburst in acting class, and Tai just doesn’t wanna get called out for over-acting again.  Yes yes ladies, we’re all fascinated to hear about how you plan to not suck this week.  Good to know that you didn’t come this far to lose and other such trite reality show cliches.  Shut up about it and just don’t suck.

Hehe. Tai’s boobs are winking at me

Time for the Director’s Challenge!  Their set is an insane asylum.  They’re locked up in Magneto’s cell from X-Men for some reason, and they have to talk to their shrink through the plexiglass walls and pretend they’re batshit insane.  Psychiatrist is played by some some dude they say is a veteran of shows like The Closer and Bones.  I watch Bones all the time and I don’t recognize him, but oh well.

Hey!  It’s…  That Guy.

Hispanic is up first and she’s decided that her psychopath should have a New York accent.  She’s kinda wooden and not believable and she forgets some of her lines and doesn’t really nail the accent.  Hack Director advises against the accent, but Hispanic thinks she can pull it off.  She does better the second time around with some awesomely sexy window licking.  Not Oscar caliber or anything, but way better than anyone who has been in any of the previous Saw movies.

The shnozzberries taste like shnozzberries

Christine is next and she’s not good.  She plays it like a little kid kinda.  She doesn’t do any of the sexy stuff she’s supposed to be doing, and Hack Director asks her to maybe find her inner slut.  She continues to suck and I think we may have our axed chick for the week.  Totally lame performance.

I’m a serial killer. Wanna see my Legos?  We can go ride bikes.

Weepy’s turn.  She’s good.  Kinda boring, but believable.  Hack Director asks her to turn it up a little bit, she turns in another nice performance.  I think Hispanic did better, but everyone acts like Weepy is the second coming of Jamie Lee Curtis or something.  She’s like that hot asshole you date for way longer than you ought to because every now and again he’s super sweet and brings you flowers and punches other guys in the face for checking you out.  Then the rest of the time he tells you you’re stupid and fat and flirts with other girls right in front of you, which really just serves to make those moments of niceness seem even nicer cause they’re such a great break from the norm.  Nothing like lowering someone’s expectations to make yourself look better.  Well played, Weepy.

Weepy is the Chris Brown of of horror movie acting.  Too soon?

Tai is last, and she’s a little stressed about not over-acting.  She slips into her over-acty mode from time to time, but I’ve gotta say that her scary insane laugh is fucking awesome and creepy.  Hack Director asks her to make it a little more simple.  She does better the second time around and even flashes her crotch at us, but I think she’s still bottom two this week.

What are you gonna do?  Arrest me for smoking?

I’d say Christine is probably the one going home, and Hispanic deserves the win but they’ll probably give it to Weepy because Hispanic wins too much shit.   There’s no list this week, since there’s only four chicks left, so everyone is told to meet down in The Grand Ballroom.

Weepy and Christine make salads and give us an in-show commercial for Fresh Express as the camera inexplicably keeps focusing on the bag.

After we make our salads we can keep them fresh with the Glad family of products

Tai and Hispanic are sitting in the bedroom and Tai is beating herself up for not turning in a great performance.  Hispanic is stressed about her outburst still, but seeing as how she’s still doing a good job on the acting front I’d say she’s stressed over nothing.

You should maybe be stressed about still rockin’ your Quincinera dress though…

And with that it’s judging time.  Weepy is once again dressed like an idiot, so her and Hispanic match and get called forward first.  They are the top two, obviously.  Weepy gets accolades for being focused and staying in character and going after “action” and all sorts of other crap. CCP mentions how she’s so off and on, but says that when she’s on she’s amazing.  Hispanic is called solid and believable.  CCP says that he’s glad she had the outburst in class because it knocked her out of her comfort zone and forced her to try harder.  Leading lady this week is… Weepy.  Bleh.  You did a decent job this week and all, but I still hate you.

From fashion victims to Jigsaw victims…

Tai and Christine get called down.  Jamie tells Tai that she was amazing in the skills test, but kinda awkward in the Director’s Challenge.  CCP says she’s a great actress, but then she thinks about her performance too much and it makes her unbelievable.  Christine gets called out for playing her psycho as a perky little kid.  Hack Director says he appreciates that she stuck by her choice, but her choice wasn’t a good one.  So who gets the axe?  Who??????

Tai.  WTF?  Lame.  Christine sucked way the fuck harder than Tai did this week.  Now who’s gonna make Weepy cry?  I mean besides Weepy and pretty much everything that happens in the house.  Oh well, we have a final three that should basically be called “Let’s watch Hispanic get a role in a movie.”  We’ll miss you, Tai, but look on the bright side:  Now you could have your break-out role in a movie that isn’t Saw 3D.