Scream Queens: Tinfoil is Not a Weapon!

Hey there fans of shlocky horror.  Welcome back to another week of auditions for a role that would usually be cast by grabbing some hot chick out of a strip club and giving her a week of acting lessons.   Last week the girls did campy, Tai took leading lady, Hispanic was safe, and everyone else got chewed out in the Grand Ballroom.  In the end it was Teenmom who went home, leaving us with five actresses.  One of whom is STILL Pornstar.  WTF, judges?  I get that it was kinda funny for a little while, and a couple of weeks there were girls that actually performed worse than her, but there is no way in hell she isn’t performing sexual favors for at least one of those judges to still be around.  She’s terrible.

We are talking about the girl who couldn’t master the fine art of not putting tutus on your head…

We open in the usual fashion, with the safe girls sitting around all nervous wondering who will come back.  Only this week it’s just Tai and Hispanic because everyone else sucked shit.  Tai is stressed that Teenmom will be going home because that’s her girl.  Yeah… Sorry Tai.  Your girl was not so good at the whole acting thing.  In walk the three safe girls, and Tai is disappointed that Teenmom isn’t amongst them.  Yeah, I hear ya Tai.  She was kinda hot.

The other girls are super excited to see Weepy

Christine mentions that the judges thought she was distracted and not focusing on the acting challenges, while Weepy shoots her sad-daggers.  Seriously though, does Weepy always look like she’s in pain/trying to do hard math?  When I was like, thirteen and a total emo drama queen attention whore I would sit around with that look on my face when I really really wanted people to ask me what was wrong.  I know that look.  You’re supposed to stop doing that at some point before you graduate high school, Weepy.

What?  No, I’m totally fine.  I’m just gonna go write in my journal and cut myself while listening to The Cure…

Pornstar talks about how the judges wanted her to have layers and now that she’s gotten that critique she can fix it.  Really?  Cause you’ve gotten the bad acting critique on numerous occasions and you’re yet to fix that.  Let’s all pray she doesn’t think she can fix this by adding more layers of make-up to her poor face.

ONIONS HAVE LAYERS!

Tai shows us all her astonishing powers of observation by stating that one of the five girls in the room is going to be the winner.  Oh, and Tai took offense to my assumption that her boobies were fake in my last re-cap, so I did the responsible thing and rewound scenes of her jumping up and down repeatedly for hours and hours while carefully studying her fun-bags.  It was tough work, but I am a dedicated recapper and I somehow managed to power through.  After about the third hour I reached the conclusion that Tai should come play for my team.  Oh, and also, the boobies are real.  I’ve fucked a lot of strippers with fake boobies in my time, and I know how real boobies bounce.  My apologies, but she should really take it as a compliment.  Most girls have to pay good money for a rack like that.

Exhibit A

The next morning the girls meet up with Jamie for their skills test.  They’ll be doing a scene in front of a green screen with invisible monsters.  They are supposed to pretend they’re looking out the window of a penthouse suite (no no, put your clothes back on ladies, that just means top floor).  They’ll look down, see some people on the streets, and then notice a giant monster approaching the window.  Check out how much money Vh1 invested in their graphic pre-visualization

Yeah guys, just whipped this baby up on the ol’ Commodore 64

They have to hit eye-line marks by following a tennis ball on a stick.  My dog can do that, but I’ll betcha twenty bucks that Weepy falls apart three seconds in.  My dog also know how to wait until after I say “Fetch” to go get the stick though, so I assume I could teach him to wait until I said “Action” as well, making him much more intelligent than Weepy in all aspects of life.  Also, I don’t have a dog.

My imaginary dog also knows that Wyoming sucks

Hispanic says she’s stoked on the challenge because she doesn’t have to rely on anyone but herself.  Weepy looks like she’s gonna throw up, because there won’t be anyone to blame BUT herself when she can’t find her mark and winds up standing on her head three sound-stages over.

Christine is up first.  She’s kinda meh.  Her scared face looks a lot like an orgasm face.

Oh yeah, baby.  Destroy that city!  No no, destroy it a little softer and slightly to the left.

Hispanic is up next and kicks some serious ass.  My only real critique is that she’s dressed like she’s auditioning for Flashdance.

I’m a welder by day and a dancer by night

Seriously, they need to stop letting these girls dress themselves.  It’s embarrassing.  Tai is up next.  Hispanic makes fun of her tendency to bite her lips and raise her eyebrow.  Um… Shut the fuck up, Hispanic!  That eyebrow thing is fucking sexy.  I don’t care if it’s good acting.  It’s fucking sexy.  Anyway, she fully blows the skills test.  Not a total trainwreck, but damn close.  I swear to god Tai, if you get yourself sent home and I’m stuck with four more weeks of this show and no one making Weepy cry then I’m gonna hunt you down and slap you.

Off-topic here, but Tai is totally looking down Pornstar’s shirt.

Pornstar thinks Tai is over-acting because she’s too cocky.  Hahaha. What’s your excuse then, Pornstar?  Pornstar starts out okay but then (take a wild guess) yep, she totally overacts.  Shocking, right? I think I’ve figured out what bothers me so much about this girl.  She’s fucking delusional.  It’s not like any of these girls should be practicing their Oscar acceptance speeches or anything, but they all seem to at least know when they screwed up.  Pornstar actually thinks she’s a brilliant actress, despite being called out for being terrible over and over again.  Seriously, I want some of whatever she’s on.  That sort of naive, misguided confidence sounds fun.

And after I win the Oscars Imma be president and then Imma buy a unicorn

Weepy is up last, and she manages to hit all her marks, and actually does really really well.  Weird.  I think she might actually win this one.

After a brief (i.e. four minute) commercial break, it’s time to announce the winner.  And the winner is…….. Weepy.  Okay, I hate her and I kinda wanna punch her in the ovaries most of the time, but she really did do a really good job.  Tai gets called out on over-acting and told to take it down a notch.  Weepy smirks like a third grader whose arch-rival just did a problem on the board incorrectly.

From emo chick to Bond villain in one short skills test.

Back in the living quarters, Tai is baiting Weepy with off-hand remarks about having to hit your mark.  There’s no actual fighting or yelling, but I think we’re building up for a show-down.

Hispanic tries to find a safe warm place

So it’s time for acting class with CCP.  He looks pissed, and he has a pile of bricks.

If you can dodge a brick you can dodge a ball

He starts class off by yelling at Christine for being safe all the time, and then screaming at Pornstar that he’s so sick of seeing her at elimination that he wants to vomit. He hurls a brick at the girls and they all scream and scatter, but the brick bounces because it’s fake.  Well duh, but weren’t we all kinda hoping for just a split second that CCP finally snapped and started bludgeoning all these bitches with bricks?  No such luck.

The face of a man who has been dying to throw a brick at his acting class all season

So today’s class is about taking fake props and making them look real.   Hispanic has a fake sledge-hammer, and after a few pointers manages to make it look like she’s swinging a real one.  Montage of all the girls pulling off the fake hammer thing.  Then Pornstar has to hit Weepy with a fake shovel.  Totally not bad performance.  Can’t imagine it’s all that hard to get into the character of someone that wants to hit Weepy with a shovel though.

I’ll give you something to cry about…

Hispanic hits Weepy with a big weight, then they swap and blah blah, it’s good.  Whatever.  I just like watching Weepy get hit with things.

Tai and Christine have to beat each other with a pipe, and they struggle pretty hard.  Tai gets yelled at a lot by CCP, and I’m starting to worry about her.  If Tai goes home then this whole season just becomes a count-down to watching Hispanic win the prize.  Cause there is no way in shit anyone but one of those two is gonna get a role in an actual movie, even if that movie is Saw 3d.

“Something something Dark Side”

Back in the bedroom Hispanic, Tai, and Pornstar are discussing Tai’s problems this week.  Pornstar says not to worry because Christine is gonna be going home.  I dunno though.  We’re at the point in the season when they do a shocking elimination of a front-runner.  Still, I hope they realize that no one’s gonna be chewing their nails wondering who will win if the final three are Pornstar, Weepy, and Hispanic.  It will barely be worth tuning in for.

Pull it together, woman!

So the ladies are all in the kitchen now and the magnetic alphabet on the fridge starts moving around and they all act scared about it.  Either this is their best acting of the episode, or these are some seriously dumb bitches.  Come on, ladies!  Every single week they choose some new SCARY way to give you your scripts right after your acting class.  The house is not haunted.  Anyway, the letters spell out some gobbledygook about special effects, and tells them their scripts are on their beds.

Totally phoning in the scares this week, Vh1.

The girls start reading their scripts, and discover that their co-star for the next director’s challenge is a ghost, who will be kicking their asses.  Awww… Poor iPod girl would have been great at this.  So the main point of this challenge is acting through movement rather than words.  Hispanic says she’s gonna do great because she’s very in tune with her body.  Uh… Okay, I don’t see what frequent masturbation has to do with getting beat up by a ghost, but hey, more power to ya!

I’m very “In tune” with my body as well, but it doesn’t make me a good actress

Pornstar is practicing like mad, and looks like she’s having a seizure.  Christine is hiding in the other room trying to find her focus away from “The other girls.”  We all know that she’s really hiding from Weepy, but it’s nice of her to keep up the pretense even in the diary room.

This goes much faster when I don’t have to help Weepy sound out the words

The next day they show up on the set and Hack Director tells them that they’ll be testing their bodies in a way they’ve never been tested before.

No honey, you don’t have to do DVDA.  Not until you’ve had at least another year of casting rejections.

The ladies will be hooked up to wires, assisting them  with getting their asses beat by a ghost.  Hispanic is up first, and talks some more about touching her body.  Okay, we get it, you like to touch yourself, now go act.   She does a totally kick-ass job.  There’s no way in hell that anyone else is getting Leading Lady this week.  No. Way . In. Hell.

My Gramma has an afghan just like that

Christine is up next, and she’s bound and determined to prove that she can act when she’s not busy wiping Weepys nose.  .Uh… Wow.  Christine is really really good at pretending to get her ass kicked.  It looks like someone is dragging her around the set.  I am super impressed.

Pornstar takes the set, and it looks exactly like she’s doing the Elaine dance from Seinfeld.  It’s so bad.  Even the guy holding the boom mic looks like he wants to slap her.  Hack Director tells her to tone it down, so she continues doing the Elaine dance, but does it slower this time.

It looked exactly like this

Tai is up next.  She overdoes it a bit too, but not nearly to the point that Pornstar overacted.  She’s gonna get called out and yelled at for sure, but they better not send her home when Pornstar is still there sucking.

Weepy is last, and she’s decent.  Not great, not terrible, but decent.  So, I’d say this week Hispanic is the obvious winner.  Weepy and Christine should be middle, with Pornstar and Tai in the bottom.  Pornstar had better fucking go home.  I’m not saying Tai did good this week or anything, but any one of these girls at their absolute worst is still way better than Pornstar at her absolute best.

Seriously????  You’re still here???

That night in the kitchen the girls are talking about how bad Weepy did, and Weepy can totally hear them.  She tries to drag Christine into the kitchen with her to confront Tai, but Christine wisely chooses to stay the fuck out of it.   Weepy starts screaming at Tai that she’s fake and not versatile, Tai tells Weepy she’s an emotional retard and to suck it up.  There’s screaming and threatening and patronizing, and Tai manages to make a roll of Reynold’s Wrap look really really threatening.

Bitch, this has a serrated edge. I will cut you!

Pornstar gets between them because she’s scared someone’s gonna throw a punch, and the girls make a couple snide comments before parting ways.

The List is up.  Hispanic wins Leading Lady (shocker) and the bottom three are Christine, Pornstar, and Tai.  Tai is pissed that she’s in the bottom and Weepy isn’t.  Pornstar has a nervous break-down.  Christine is kinda snappy and tells Weepy to leave her alone, and I actually do get why Christine is upset.  She did really well in the final Director’s challenge.  Like really really well.  She shouldn’t be in the bottom three this week.

Down in the Grand Ballroom Christine gets called forward first and Jamie tells her that she did amazing and she would have been Leading Lady if they were basing it just on the Director’s Challenge.  So hey, she didn’t need to be all upset after all I guess.  She’s safe and steps to the side.  Okay kids, you know I try and deliver on the screengrabs, but the piece of shit video player on the Vh1 site has crashed my Firefox session twice now, and I’m not gonna have another heart attack wondering when the last time I saved my recap was, so no more screengrabs this episode.  I’m sorry.

Anyways, Tai and Pornstar get called up and Jamie tells them that every week they’re unanimous on who to send home but this week they’re split and it’s the hardest decision they’ve had to make.  Umm… WHAT?  Seriously????  You have the girl whose usually in the top but had a bad week versus the girl who is ALWAYS terrible but more willing to blow her acting coach.  And this is a HARD decision???  Holy crap, judges.  This is just ridiculous.

Oh hey, thanks Vh1.  You’ve decided to run all your programming five minutes behind schedule, so now my Tivo has turned off thinking the show’s over.  That’s great, Vh1.  You’re an asshole.

Okay, found the episode online.  Tai gets called out for overacting, but told she’s got a great strength about her.  Pornstar gets called out on her physicality, and they say the word physicality over and over again.  CCP commends her on her growth, but says she may be done growing.  Who goes home?

It’s Pornstar!!! Finally!!!!  Jesus Christ, who the fuck voted for her to stay?  Porn star cries a lot and says she doesn’t regret anything she’s done there.  Yeah, wait until those test results come back from the free clinic.  You may regret a few things then.

Okay, we’re down to the final four.  Pretty sure Hispanic has become the clear front-runner.  Let’s see if she falls on her face next week to keep things interesting.  Tune in!  Or just read my recaps.  I don’t really care if you actually watch the show.