Scream Queens: You’ve gotta WANT it!

Hey hey fellow Scream Queens fans.  Vh1 decided to be kind to me and take a week-long hiatus that matched up with my week running around naked in the desert, but my recovery time from said adventure was a little longer than I was hoping for, so this damn recap is still late.  Meh.  I’m pretty sure all the brain-cells I have left are back in working order, so let’s get on with the campy shlock, shall we?

I’m bored.  Could you ladies have a pillow fight or something.

Last week the ladies did a photo shoot, Captain Cranky Pants made them be sexy, and a scene with a giant snake in a strip club got iPod girl sent the fuck home.  Oh, and Weepy and Tai had a verbal throw-down.  Six actresses remain.   One of them is Porn Star.  What the hell is going on here?  Who is she blowing off-camera?  Jesus.

If you’re getting head from Porn Star, look sleepy and annoyed

As per usual, we open with all the safe girls sitting around trying to guess who went home.  Christine is worried that her bestest friend Weepy is gonna get the axe, and is stoked when she walks through the door.  She and Weepy shoot daggers at Tai, while Tai congratulates Hispanic on her win while shooting daggers right back.  Excitement, eh?

Even your hate-daggers look whiny

Hispanic says she’s feeling a lot of pressure about having to “Set the bar” every week.  Umm… Honey, have you looked around at your competition?  Tai and Christine are the only ones that don’t just suck with the power of a black hole.  I think you’ll be okay.

The next morning the ladies are all bundled up for their mini-challenge with Jamie.  It looks like it’s finally cold enough to be wearing a scarf, so I’m sure that Weepy is gonna jump at the chance since she wears scarves with her fucking tank tops.  Sadly, she managed to look like an even bigger asshat by throwing a scarf over a giant turtleneck.  Come on, ladies.  I’m a lesbian who shops for clothes at the Good Will.  If I’m calling you out on your fashion choices then you’re doing something very very wrong.

The neck-brace look is so 2003

Jamie tells them that the theme for the skills test is camp.  I loves me some camp, but hasn’t it been the theme for the entire season?  Was the stripper/snake scene not supposed to be campy?  Oh well.  The ladies have to crawl out of a grave, zombie-walk to some rocks, get shot, and die.  Some special effects dude comes out to warn them that they’ll be fitting with mini blood shooting explosives called squibs for the getting shot part.  Oh, and this week there are no guaranteed call-backs.

Not even if you’re blowing your acting coach

Tai gets fitted first, and shows a remarkable amount of self-awareness by declaring her boobies precious goods.  I get that she’s worried about having explosive on her tits.  I mean, without those titties we might have to start paying attention to her acting or she might have to learn to read or something.  No one wants that.

Don’t worry, shoog.  Literacy is for ugly girls.

No need to point.  We were all looking there anyway.

Hispanic takes the skills test first. She’s kinda meh, but nothing terrible.  Porn star tells us that the squibs going off were so loud that she thought Hispanic really got shot.  Yeah, okay sweetheart.  They decided to just shoot her for the sake of realism.  Here’s some crayons.  Why don’t you just go color in the corner until the big kids are done being zombies?  There ya go…

No, honey… Don’t eat the crayons

Teen mom is next and does this weird hair-metal guy comes back to life thing that makes absolutely no sense.

Do I make a Dimebag Darryl joke or a White Zombie joke…?

Porn star falls down trying to get out of the grave, and she gets montaged over with Christine, who looks like she did okay.  We’ve been getting narration from Tai about everything that all the other girls are doing wrong for the whole challenge, so we know that she’s either going to be amazing or just absolutely terrible.  It’s her turn, so let’s find out.

Jamie needs to work on her p-p-p-poker face

She plays it semi-serious, trying to look hungry and want to eat everyone.  She does amazing.  Totally kicks ass.

Braaaaiiins.  No really, that’s what I’m gonna ask the wizard for.

Weepy goes last and spends so much time looking for her mark that she manages to suck worse than Porn Star.  Jesus Christ, Weepy!  Your mark is a pile of fucking rocks.  I think you should be able to find it without so much of a struggle.

Yeah, better keep your eye on that.

Time to announce the winner.  Tai gets the win and is super stoked about it.  The girls wander back to the house, where apparently the heater is broken because Weepy is still rockin the scarf/turtleneck combo.  Teenmom sits and weeps over a picture of her daughter and how much she misses her and Tai consoles her while Vh1 provides some crappy Nickelback sounding band mood music.  Yeah, nothing like whiny adult rock to put me in the mood for campy horror movies.  Well, that’s sort of true.  Nickelback puts me in the mood to see Nickelback get eaten by zombies.

Please die a lot.

It’s time for acting class, and there to assist the ladies in being funny is Joe Wengert from The Upright Citizens Brigade.  I loved that show.  So these masses of titties and stupidity are gonna have to do improv comedy, which should be hilarious, but probably not in the way they want them to be.

Quality fucking television

Christine and Tai get called up first .  Tai is a meter maid giving a ticket to Frankenstein (Christine).  They do okay, and then they switch roles and do better.  Porn Star and Hispanic play a mummy getting fitted for a wedding dress and a seamstress.  Porn Star sucks ass, and let’s all act surprised about that.  Once they switch roles they both do a lot better.  Teenmom at Weepy play a werewolf and a taco stand employee.  Weepy keeps giggling every time she has to do something a little werewolf-y and gets yelled at by CCP.  They switch roles and both continue to suck.  Teenmom’s werewolf noises sound quite a bit like a were chicken.

Porn Star wore a picnic blanket to class.  Just sayin

With that, acting class is over.  So far this week everyone is sucking shit except for Tai and Hispanic.  Well… I guess Christine has settled herself into a comfortable level of mediocrity, but Porn Star, Teenmom, and Weepy are all just awful.  Good lord let this be the week that Porn Star FINALLY gets sent home.

Back at the living quarters the girls all sit around and chat about how much fun the class was, while Tai and Weepy continue to shoot daggers at each other.  The girls all follow some wind-up chattering teeth to a chair with a note about eternal damnation.  Some dime-store Dracula comes out to hand them their scripts, and they learn that they’ll all be doing a scene together for the first time.  It’s a trailer for a movie called Vampire Outlaws.

At least he isn’t sparkling

Tai, Hispanic, and Teenmom, and Porn Star sit on a couch and talk about having to “Want it.”  Yeah yeah yeah, we’ve all seen reality competitions before.  It all comes down to who wants it more, except that it doesn’t because no amount of wanting it will make up for a complete lack of talent.  Hispanic asks Tai if she thinks Christine wants it and Tai says no.  She thinks Christine would rather Weepy won than actually win herself.  Tai says she doesn’t like to talk behind people’s backs, so when Christine and Weepy enters the room she feels obligated to tell Christine that she doesn’t think she really wants it.

She tells Christine that she’s a talented actress but she spends too much time babying Weepy and not enough time focusing on the challenges and how she does in them.  Weepy gives Tai that token Weepy look where she’s trying to look incredulous but just comes off looking like she’s trying to do long division in her head.

Seventeen… carry the three… circle gets the square…

In confessional, Christine says that she kind of agrees with Tai.  Weepy tells Tai that she’s a meany poopyhead, and Tai tells her that she’s not gonna hold back and baby her.  Weepy calls her fake and walks off.  Okay, there are tons of things you could fairly call Tai if you were mad.  There’s stupid, mean, critical, vapid, etc.  Unless you’re talking about her massive fun bags though, fake is probably not an accurate descriptor.

This is how you do incredulous face.  Take note, Weepy

It’s time to shoot a trailer!  The ladies arrive at Universal Studios and Hack Director asks them if it’s their first time on a real studio back-lot.  They all say yes, but they shouldn’t feel too bad cause I’m pretty sure that it’s Hack Director’s first time at a real movie studio too.  Their trailer is for a vampire western shot in a town called UnDeadwood.  ***rimshot**

The girls get assigned their characters.  Hispanic is playing the tough one, whom she describes as a female Clint Eastwood.  So, ya know, if you have any vampire Asian thugs giving you trouble in your nice suburban neighborhood then give Hispanic a call.  Teenmom play the sexpot outlaw vampire, and Christine is her fellow outlaw.  Porn Star has to play a nerdy cute girl, which is a hard role to hand job your way through, so this may be a tough week for her.  Weepy plays a sexy dirty chick and Tai plays the clan leader.

How many suitcases full of scarves did this bitch pack?

Hack Director calls action and Teenmom and Christine saunter into town as the villains.  Christine keeps getting called out on not being tough or bad-ass enough.  Porn Star is less horrible than usual and channels Velma from Scooby Doo to be the nerdy chick.  Hack Director asks her to be more menacing and she proceeds to do the scene the exact same way over and over again.  Tai says the only transition she’s seen Porn Star make is from Bimbo #3 to Bimbo #2, and this is why I kinda love Tai.

Pretty sure that even nerdy vampires don’t require corrective lenses

Weepy has to deliver a single line and break a bottle, and the whole thing looks a bit uncomfortable, but at least she figures out to go AFTER the director says “Action” this time.  Hack Director tells her it’s excellent, but I argue that it pretty much blew.

It’s so hard to remember dialogue and calculate the square root of pi at the same time

Weepy and Teenmom have a scene together where Weepy keeps dunking Teenmom’s head in a trough.  Hack Director has to call cut so that he can remind Teenmom to hold her breath because she can’t breathe underwater.  I wish I was making that up.  Teenmom has a panic attack because she has an anxiety disorder.  Oh holy crap.  Does she have an anxiety disorder?  Really?  I had no idea. Shut up, bitch.

Do vampires breathe?  Should dunking their heads in non-holy water bother them?

Hispanic does a scene where she shoots a gun and channels Clint Eastwood, and she rocks it.  Tai saunters out of a coffin to deliver a single line, and she rocks it too.  I’m pretty sure that Tai’s got the Leading Lady role for the week in the bag, with her only possible competition being Hispanic.  I’d say Teenmom and Christine are probably on the bottom, and it pains me to imagine a world in which Porn Star makes the top five.

Hot

When we rejoin the ladies The List is up.  It says that Tai is the leading lady, which means she doesn’t have to go down to the ballroom.  Weepy is PISSED and tells the camera that she just can’t believe Tai won and now she’s gonna think she’s better than everyone.  Okay hon, two things:  One. Tai already thinks she’s better than everyone.  And two.  Tai probably actually is better than everyone.  If you want her to think differently then you might wanna try sucking less. And I don’t just mean at acting.  I mean at life.

I forgot my scarf today so I made one out of my arms

On the list for judges’ critique are Teenmom, Weepy, Christine, and Porn Star.  Porn Star bursts into tears, Weepy tries to calculate pi to the 23rd decimal in her head, and Christine and Teenmom just stare at their feet.

Jamie tells the four ladies in the Grand Ballroom that they’re all on the chopping block.  Christine gets judged first.  Hack Director tells her that this is her first time there because she’s never been good enough or bad enough to get called out, echoing my sentiment that she’s settled herself into a comfortable level of mediocrity.  Christine blames it on “Spending too much time making friends” which translates to needing to stop hanging out with Weepy.  Haha.  Suck on that, Weepy!

Teenmom is next and she gets called out on being lame in the skills test and hyperventilating during the director’s challenge.  CCP doesn’t think she’s got much left to show them.  She could always show them her boobies.  It seems to be working for Porn Star.

Weepy gets a tongue lashing for having so many issues with the technical shit.  She should be getting called out for looking like a tacky Christmas present.  Good lord that girl needs Tim Gunn to show up and shake the shit out of her.

At least she didn’t pair it with a scarf

Porn Star is last.  CCP tells her she’s all one note.  I would like to mention that the note in question is also a bit sharp and grating.  Jamie says they need more depth.  That they need to be able to read everything she’s thinking just through her eyes.  That should be pretty easy.  I can do that now.  She’s thinking nothing.

So who goes home?  I’m fine with anyone but Christine.  I think she sucks marginally less than the other three.  Teenmom gets cut and delivers a teary eyed speech about how she can’t wait to see her daughter and about how much she appreciates the opportunity.  Blah blah, yeah.  You have a kid.  You miss her.  You forgot to leave food out.  Whatever.

So that’s that kids.  Porn Star is in the top five.  I know, I know.  It hurts my brains too.