Season TWO of the Real L Word!

A couple weeks ago I was out at WeHo’s Fiesta Cantina for Cinco De Mayo. After procuring my two for one margaritas at the bar I turned around to push back through the crowd and get back out onto the patio when low and behold, who was in my way with her group of cronies? Or should I say, Coronas? It was Rose! And all her unattractive friends! (Although to this day, I still love the butchie dumb looking one. She was awesome.) We made eye contact when I walked by so I gave her a knowing smirk. She looked away immediately and it made me miss her shenanigans just a little… It also made me think about how I wish they’d cast me as a character on the show so I could be like Gossip Girl and blog about their intimate feelings and stuff… Alas, they did not. At least not this season, but they DID do some major renovating in terms of casting and girl oh girl am I pleased with it… So let’s muff dive right in shall we? (You know you missed ol’ Birschy’s horribly obvious lesbian puns.)

KUUUU-RIIIST! I forgot how much I hate this fucking song! BUT, my oh my, do I enjoy this new opening credit thing happening… Oooh, LOOK, boobies! Alright, I’m sold. This is WAY better than season one’s opening already, minus the same boring, horrible, disgusting, stupid song aside, of course.

Whitney kicks off their sophomore season smoking a cigarette in her car, listening to a message from SaDa. (Her name is actually Sara but for some fucking douchey reason it’s pronounced SaDa, so that’s how I spell it.)

In case you’ve forgotten, our dreadlocked ladies’ lady, Whitney, aka Whitlock, likes to wax poetic on sapphic life style. She’s chalk full of lesbo-mation… ANYwho, SaDa wants to rekindle things with Whitlock after failing at their half hearted attempt at a relationship, but DSaDa, according to Whitney and her friends, can’t be trusted. Whitney wants to be with SaDa but after she made out with Romi last year at Dinah she doesn’t quite trust her. Looks like they’ve decided to make their “Shane” less of a player. Oooh, gurrrrl, this player is getting beaten at her own game… And also, by the dark side…

“Help me LEZ-B-1. You’re my only hope.”

Now we’re in New York and they’ve actually done something I wanted them to do last season. Make Romi (Whitney’s ex-girlfriend) a main character. She’s a little crazy and she’s a little hot, and has more potential to be more entertaining than for example, two ladies talking on the phone to their wedding planner for the whole damn season… Romi is in the Big Apple for her birthday with her serious girlfriend of 10 months, Kelsey… They live together…

Romi talks about how she realized after a while she was really just infatuated with Whitney and not actually in love with her. Now she has Kelsey who is apparently super into Romi. Kelsey reveals that it’s been three weeks since they’ve had sex. So I guess we’ll be grappling with their dry spell this season… As long as they keep comparing to the strap-on Whitney/Romi scene flashbacks, I’m cool wit it. I actually find her purty darn attractive in a moody sort of way. I think if Ali Sheedy and Juliet Lewis had a baby, it would look like Kelsey…

Joy… More fresh fish and not just cause we’re now at a sushi restaurant in New York. Meet Claire. She has Asian fever and she looks a little like The Legend of Billie Jean/Super Girl’s, Helen Slater. She’s moving from NY to LA cause she wants “to create uuuuh, a website about lesbian life.” She also admits she wants to reconnect with her first girlfriend, Francine. They apparently haven’t totally let go of each other.

Back in LA, Francine is doing some weird photo shoot clearly set up for the purposes of the show. While she’s in make-up she talks about how much anxiety she has about Claire moving back. But what I find appalling is Claire’s current girlfriend, Vivian. In a confessional, she doesn’t know what’s going to happen with Claire and Francine and she’s scared cause she loves “the shit out of her.” Poor thing. For Pete’s sake, the CREDITS show Francine and Claire making a bed and making out, Vivian you know darn well what’s going to happen. I just hope you’re not waiting around for Claire…

Vivian “Cuter Than Francine” So And So.

At the Gay and Lesbian Center, we’re introduced to Sajdah. She’s just moved from D.C. and now she’s working at the Center running some kind of outreach program. She’s adorable. Butchy and seemingly genuine and good hearted. I’m happy to see not only a lady of color, but also a butchy one at that. Last season, we had neither! ( No, Mikey was not butch.)

Outside of an apartment, we hear, “how a lesbian can make a baby.” Inside their apartment, Kacy and Cori stare at a MacBook reading the answer to this apparently very difficult question. I’m not sure which is which yet but I bet Cori is the butchier one. Nice. TWO butchies! This is ratio much closer to reality… They also talk about all the stuff they’ll need to get in order so Kacy can get pregnant. They’ve been married for two years and they seem pretty decent so far. Kacy says she doesn’t want to get sperm from some guy who just needed money for a six pack so they’ve decided to fly out Kacy’s good friend and have him squeeze out some goop. I actually quite agree with Kacy on this one. I can’t imagine not personally knowing the dad, but that’s just ol’ Birschy’s opinion. My ex would be concerned with the legal ramifications/ risks of the dude taking custody of the child in that scenario but let’s not get into that…

Whitlock stomps up a stairwell and knocks on SaDa’s door cause SaDa needs Whit to hang up a giant weird candle holder. They show SaDa lifting Whitlock to change a light bulb and look for any other excuse to touch Whit’s choachy choach. Whit behaves herself though and leaves after a confessional where she says she knows deep down in her brain that SaDa’s not good for her…

Back in New York, we meet Rachel, Whitney’s “original girlfriend.” It seems Whit has produced her own line of denim ex-girlfriends, and speaking of jeans, Rachel’s gay boyfriend is sorting through her stuff to figure out what to bring for her move out to LA. Rachel is moving because she feels she’s done all she can in New York, working for two of the NY’s top hair stylists. She also talks about how serious her and Whitlock were at one time and they show us a bunch of pictures of them together for proof…

Now THERE’s a familiar face! Back at Whitlock’s, her roommate and good friend, Alyssa, is gluing fake shards of glass onto fake skin for the New Zealand Red Cross. You might recall Alyssa has her own sort of make shift special efx company. While they’re working, Alyssa tells Whitlock how nobody wants to see her and SaDa together… Then they talk about Rachel. Alyssa likes Rachel much more and wants Whitlock to be careful with her. In a confessional, Whit talks about how sexually compatible they are and then they show us even more pictures of them together cause we didn’t believe them the first time.

Claire is leaving New York and Vivian. Their good bye actually seems pretty heartfelt, especially for poor Vivian. Once she’s in the cab on the way to the airport, Claire at least says she feels like a jerk, which somehow makes her seem less like a jerk. I get the feeling though that she’s not the craftiest scrap-booker in the sorority…

Whit is working on a painting in her garage when Alyssa comes out to tell her it’s time to pick up Rachel from the airport. Alyssa’s confessional reveals the she would do a back flip if Whitney ends up getting back together with Rachel, which I will personally hold her to once this inevitably happens. Poor Alyssa. Will she ever get her own life! Or is she still content to wallow in Whitney’s drama as her ever faithful “tell like it is” roommate. I needs to come up with a phrase that parallels “fag hag” for lesbians… On the way to LAX, Alyssa tells Whit she looks nervous. This baffles me because I wasn’t aware that Whitlock had more than one emotion. Even when she sees Rachel at the airport it only garners a monotone, “ohhhh.” Upon their arrival Whit tells Rachel to look out for dog turds and then both of their confessionals offer sentiments of anticipation…

Romi is jumping in the shower before her and Kelsey have to go meet some New Yorker friends out for dinner. We see her stripping, complete with a panning down and lingering choach shot. The camera even seemed to get CLOSER as she stepped into the tub as if it was attempting an interior shot of her freshly waxed caverns.

Image removed! OY
Necessary? Even pervy ol’ Birschy isn’t sure THIS is… BUT probably better to err on the side of naked.

While they finish up getting ready Romi essentially tells Kelsey not to embarrass her in front of her friends. Sorry, back to the choach cause I can’t stop staring. What’s up with dragon fly? I love dragon flies! But you know where dragon flies live? Swamps… Romie So And So, I now officially dub thee- Swamp Choach…

Saj is getting ready to meet a girl she basically internet stalked. She asks her friend via iChat if her polo is chill enough. It is. Saj is excited and nervous to meet this girl, Channel, and she keeps calling it a date. Not sure why though. Saj is meeting this girl at an open mic that she’s running… On the way to her “date,” Saj calls her mom. Her mom tells her not to have sex. Saj gets off the phone with her mom and tells the camera man, “fuckin’ love huh. She’s the bes.” Saj, I fuckin’ love you and your accent, lady cakes! My choco lady cake! Saj arrives to the open mic late and although Channel scolds her she’s instantly pleased with Channel’s looks. At one point, Channel walks away and Saj looks at the camera man again with a “Thank you, God… Yesssss. Yessss.” Saj, PLEASE keep up these impromptu confessionals so I can call you Zach Morris. PLEASE. I love them.

It’s awkward dinner time back in New York. Kelsey and Romi argue about how Romi doesn’t touch Kelsey enough. Romi’s friend’s boyfriend seems super into the convo and in fact conducts this weird interview on the subject while Romi’s friend just sort of sits there upset that her boyfriend is super into what’s happening… Romi and Kelsey have to finish the conversation int he bathroom and they simply reestablish that Kelsey is needy and Romi doesn’t want to give her what she needys so much… You guys, I’m really liking Kelsey. She’s so frickeen mopey cute I can’t stand it!

Kacy and Cori walk into one of the worst sex toy shops in WeHo to ask a poor cash register attendant how they might make a baby “the old fashioned way” but with toys… Cori wants to know if they have something “you can strap on and squirt material at people.” All the poor dude has to offer is something that looks like one of those baby snot suckers that is used as a butt douche. Their baby making implement procurement mission is unsuccessful so they’re going to go to Home Depot to see what they can put together themselves. Bet they have some frequent shopper rewards to use up anyway. They shoulda gone to the Pleasure Chest…

Rachel is marinating some fish for dinner while Alyssa pours some wine for her and Whitlock. Whitlock is trying to look like she’s paying attention to what Rachel is saying, fiddling with her dreads like she always does, (I bet her fingers stink) when she gets a text from SaDa. Whit sneaks outside for a quick chat and SaDa says she’s interested in meeting Rachel. Whit’s confessional tells us how much she hates the undeniable magnetism between her and SaDa and how it’s taking a “toll on her soul.” Then she goes back inside and toasts to Rachel’s arrival to the West coast. Whit gives a “the West coast is the best coast.” Is Blondie looking for a new front woman? What’s up with all the rhyming, Whitlock?

Over dinner Kacy and Cori, talk about how their donor Brad is perfect since he’s on the East Coast and only wants to be Uncle Brad… Oh, and I had it all wrong. Cori is the one with long hair! So anyway, Cori is concerned that her vagina is never going to be the same after the baby and Kacy is wondering why they’re talking about that at dinner. She does however assure Cori that she will love her even with a broken vagina, along with a really endearing, genuine little speech about how she’ll love Cori no matter what.

Channel and two other friends meet Saj at The Palms. Saj is on cloud nine after a birthday dance with Channel. And it was a dance worthy of a birthday. A bootie grinding birthday… Saj is “crazy attracted to huh” and it seems that Channel MIGHT feel the same. I must say Channel IS stunning. Absolutely gorgeous so I don’t blame Saj… I hope she and Saj end up dating for a while cause SHE is ol’ Birschy’s favorite as far as looks go. I suspect though that Channel may break huh heart…

Some horrible song takes us into the next scene where Francine is driving home from work, listening to the same horrible song. She explains to us that she wasn’t able to get out of work to pick up Claire so Claire’s parents picked her up. They cut to Claire pounding some Chardonnay waiting at Francine’s. Her confessional tells us she’s nervous cause she’s basically left her whole entire life in New York to come be in LA with Francine… Francine gets home and after an awkward greeting they sit outside, smoke cigarettes and argue about Claire’s intentions. Francine makes Claire out to be an asshole heartbreaker and Francine seems like the type to not let go of anything… So they’re off and running…

Romi and Kelsey are out clubbing in New York. Kelsey gets schellackered and wants to have sex back at the hotel room. Romi seems like she could play a game of Operation and win. Things are getting hot and heavy and Kelsey wishes she had packed the strap-on, or at least I think that’s what she was slurring. Romi tells her she doesn’t need it… Suddenly it cuts to what felt like a very forced confessional where Romi says she fell asleep. Maybe they had oral sex and Kelsey was too sloppy drunk to get anywhere. Maybe Kelsey barfed on Romi’s giant bracelets. Or most likey, KELSEY passed out, but Romi did NOT fall asleep. I can tell you that much.

Whitney pretends she’s tired and shoos Alyssa and Rachel off to bed. As soon as Rachel shuts her door, Whit runs outta the house and gets into SaDa’s car, waiting outside. Next thing you know SaDa is using Whit’s dreadlocks like reigns on a horse while Whit eats out SaDa… You guys, I have a feeling that this is gonna be really good season. I think the producers have decided to cash in on really the only thing that’s appealing about the show- the sex… They may not even need to though cause I’m actually really pleased with the casting this season. They seem like normal, sweet, real people dealing with real sapphic centered issues. Not mean tool bags like last season’s Rose or Mikey. Knock on wood though. I’m sure someone will end up turning into a douche bag. I’m betting it’s Romi, I mean, Swamp Choach.

Cori and Kacy are waiting by their iPhone for Brent’s final decision. Cori is getting anxious since she’ll be ovulating soon and they want to have everything set up and ready by then. Brent tells them:

Cori sends a text back that says, “WTF. U SUCK.” Nooo, she doesn’t. But she wanted to. The ep ends with Cori and Kacy crying over the difficult time they’re having just to try to have a baby…

My my my! Off to a good start, you guys. I’m even considering adding Showtime to my cable. Having DVR’d episodes of The Real L World will be far better than having to watch Co-Ed Confidential, or really any other lesbian porn out there!

Thanks for sticking with me, my darlins’

Talk at you next week.

yours and everyone else’s,

BirschTalk