Secrets of Aspen: Cake Fight or Flight

They’re coming…

This week. Laura puts her talons back into Crazy Eyes Farrah Fawcett’s man, and is a fucking bitch. Meanwhile, Brooke has her 25th birthday party in a cement tower far, far away which turns into a drunkfest which turns into a cakefight which turns into Poor-y getting a hard-won shirt ruined. It’s ON!

As we head back to Butt-pen, I mean Aspen (heh), Brookeycakes is having a ball living with Erin and Gay Gay Gay Ben. Cool things they do? Drink tea. Eat steamed veggies. Oh, and have hot gay male sex with Spencer Pratt.

Heidi? Who’s that?

JUST JOKING! It’s not Spencer Pratt, but some other gay dude gay gay gay Ben met at the date auction. No, not the guy he bid on who got freaked out by homosexuality. Another gay dude, and they barge in together after a night of hot gay dancing. With gays. It’s a gay thing.

Then the gay patrol goes into the hottub for handjobs and general making out, while Erin and Brooke spy/jack off from another part of the house.

Mffrggrfff

Actually, I think GGG Ben’s boyfriend is eating him.

Like gay Jaws.

Ladies ladies ladies! Save your poor gay friend from an almost certain mouth-smothering!

Gigglefest!??

But don’t worry, folks. After a long, sexy struggle, GGG Ben recovers with the help of mother’s milk.

Phew! On to my 5th glass of vodka.

Ah, so that’s what gay dudes and fag hags do at night. And during the day…? Well, Brooke and her chicas go to their local personal trainer for some heavy-duty oogling.

Did someone say man meat?

Fetal Erin, MILF Carrie Underwood and Brooke all…uh, ENJOY the trainer. And when I say enjoy, I mean constantly harass.

PENIS PENIS PENIS

Then the girls find out that their trainer isn’t single, thereby killing every ridiculous gym orgy fantasy they might have. But that doesn’t stop MILF Carrie Underwood from trying to look like a 14 year old hot topic shopper!

It’s a fashion faux pas to leave your makeup and crucifix at home.

So, they spend their personal training session not working out, but talking about Brooke’s 25th birthday celebration. 25? Really? I would’ve guessed 35, but that’s just me. Really? Come on. I mean, you DO look less botoxy than the rest, but not THAT much less. But I guess it’s a good strategy to hang with cougars- they make you look better/less desperate.

Oh yeah, and they aren’t inviting Laura. Ohhh! that’s news. Still- just to be sure…lock your windows and put towels under the door.

In a different part of Aspen, Laura continues her reign of crazy by riding a bike.

Bike Cougar Alert!

So, while Laura NONCHALANTLY rides her ridiculous bike…who does she bump into but crazy eyes Farrah Fawcett Robin! The last we saw these two broads together, Laura stole crazy eye’s dude and gave him a quickie in the party bathroom.

Ergg….nice to see ya.

Crazy Eyes Farrah Fawcett sort of snubs Laura with her waving and touting a gigantic coffee drink. Gotta go get my nails did! Peace!

Don’t let the latte hit you on the way out, bitch.

But- Laura doesn’t let mere mortals go that easy. She “decides” to make friends with Crazy Eyes Farrah Fawcett. Ugh. Nice work, Satan. You think old broads ever forget a bathroom quickie? They don’t.

Crazy Farrah asks Laura about the holiday party, and Laura passes it off as how the guy was all rapey and interested in her and she resisted. Right.

Oh, it also seems that Laura got her birthmark revitalized. Ugh, gross. It’s like a bug matured on her face.

Or, like, a cancerous growth. I can only hope…

In another ugly corner of aspen, Erin fetal and MILF Carrie Underwood scout birthday locations for Brooke’s big 45.

Apparently, they decide with cement cranny alley.

Complete with drain for botox mishaps.

Oh, and have we forgotten Poor-y yet, and her horrifying relationship goals yet? Yes? Well, let’s refresh, shall we? Poor-y is leaving Aspen if she can’t find Mr. Right this summer. She found ugly dude and is now clinging to him for dear life.

I OWN you.

This is how the date goes: Ugly orders a coffee, and Poor-y orders a big gay berry smoothie or some shit. Then, Poor-y forces ugly to force feed her some smoothie. Then, awkward conversation and Poor-y eats ugly’s scone.

MRRARF. I love you.

Oh, then awkward conversation about how ugly is growing on poor-y like a FUNGUS. Could this coffee date be any more sexy? (refer to last picture)

Oh yeah, remember Rhodes scholar? Well, her and Crazy Eyes Farrah Fawcett hang.

Rhodes Scholar.

So the two cunts chat over champagne about the usual…being 38, being single, bidding on hot rugby dudes a fraction of their age…

So, Crazy Farrah is sweet on one rugby guy, while Rhodes Scholar made out with the other. Time for cute/slutty/wrinkly double dates, I guess.

And the DO IT! If any one of these old broads ever called me to go on a double date- and i didn’t remember who they WERE-I’d call an assisting living center to pick them up. You know, make up something about Alzheimers.

BUT, THEY GO!

So, the guy Farrah’s being jonesing is from Australia, and at dinner she makes conversation. This is IT, VERBATIM:

“So, where are you from?”

“Australia.”

“The land down under?”

“Yeah…”

nice work, Crazy Eyes Farrah.

THEN, ALL OF A SUDDEN- LAURA IS SITTING AT THE BAR AND BUYS THE FOURSOME SEX ON THE BEACH SHOTS!??

I’m convinced. Laura is a shapeshifter with a perchant for shitty drinks.

hisss….

Of COURSE she’s there alone.

Of COURSE Crazy Farrah is pissed.

Kill the shapeshifter!

Then Laura comes over to the table and asks if the guys want some…half-melted ice cream? I feel like I’m in the fucking twilight zone.

She hates Laura, but she looooves ice cream…

Oh, I’m sorry. Laura isn’t alone, she’s with a she-vulture.

Meet Candace.

Then…She-vulture Candace asks…if the Australian rugby guy (Crazy Farrah’s date) is attracted to Laura. What, is Candace Laura’s pimp? And, he is. Ugh, men and their dicks.

So, they all start to play truth or dare, and then Crazy Farrah goes to the bathroom. So what does Laura do? LEAVE WITH HER DATE.

God, these women should be shot. Especially Laura. Double-time Laura.

At the cement monolith that boasts home to Brooke’s 25th, birthday, the party starts to heat up. Will it be drama free? DOUBTFUL!

Then Poor-y goes into a rant about how Brooke is rich and she has modest birthdays. You know, with close friends. Because Poor-y is poor, and modest.

After that boring mouth-blather, Poor-y spots Nathan, her ugly prince charming.

GOTCHA! I own you.

Soon, everyone is hammered and licking the birthday cake. Gross.

MILF Carrie Underwood will eat ANYTHING, though.

So a cake fight ensues, but when the cake looks like feces and the girls look like jerky, it’s uh…less than cute.

GLOP.

Then Rhodes Scholar has her sights set on soiling Poor-y’s hard earned shit. I mean, shirt. Yeah, nothing like being drunked, coked out, covered in cake and on a mission.

So Rhodes Scholar has officially gone apeshit, encouraged by the white luminescence of poor-y’s silk shirt.

Step off, bitch!

So Poor-y loses it, and I guess since Rhodes scholar lives with Poor-y, she should understand? Meanwhile, Brooke comes down and wonders what’s up. But everything gets better after Ugly comforts Poor-y! Ah, alike in dignity. Alike in dignity.

Next week…

Laura fucks more shit up. News?