Secrets of Aspen: From fun to FEAR

That tush is gonna get frostbite!

This week, Laura and Gay gay gay Ben are still extra chummy, while Erin and Brooke are still in a fight with GGGBen. To show that they are educated, wordly ladies of the world n’ shit, they try to get Laura kicked out of the party, but can’t. Sorry, ladies. Satan won’t bow that easy. In poorville, Poor-y is still reeling from a week with her ex-boyfriend, whom she is juggling with ugly ugly Nathan!

Here’s a little recappy of last week’s Secrets of Aspen:

1. Laura violates Gay Gay Gay Ben’s hot tub, and Erin and Brooke freak.

2. Poory reunites with her old boyfriend in a hot tub.

3. Hot tubs.

This week, Fetal Erin moans about how Gay Gay Gay Ben made her uncomfortable last week.

In front of the fridge, no less!

As one can see (and as Fetal says) fun turns to FEAR when gay men drink too much. I mean, the propensity for cattyness is…catastrophic.

So, Laura and gay gay gay Ben are out having a martini while Fetal is quoting her father, in um, what I like to call, “pragmatism on the hammock. ”

Water seeks its own level? I guess I get it….

Gay gay gay ben is sounding more and more like a Rastafarian, am I wrong? God, I can’t believe he’s having lunch with Laura, who doesn’t seem to be eating anything and is just…playing with her gigantic hair.

I miss my gross mole.

Meanwhile, in Poorville USA, Poor-y goes on a romanticish hike with Alex, her ex, in a romantic, romantic cave.

Scale the cave without breaking anything, and I’ll blow you.

Well hey, when Awkward Ugly Nathan’s away on business, the poor one will play. Hey yo!

Alex is like Eric Stoltz and Bruce Jenner had a poor baby and extracted all the personality from it. Yes, what a dreamboat!

yawn.

Alex is trying to get poor-y to move to LA, and she’s torn. Torn, I say! Man, these men must have a penchant for cackling laughs and clingyness.

Then, there’s another seemingly pointless event (save drinking and wearing hot pants) called…Lobster Bobster? I don’t get it.

?

I guess Aspen socialites fly lobsters in from maine, eat them, get drunk, and make asses of themselves? I mean, I’m just assuming, if this party is AT ALL like ALL of the parties seen on this show previous.

Oh wait- that’s Erin Fetal’s ass!

Boing.

Gay Gay Gay Ben calls Fetal Erin a ho, and instead decides to hang out with all the 900 year old transvestites in the crowd.

Let’s measure penises in the bathroom!

Then, SATAN shows up. Er, Laura. Fetal Erin tells like a fucking 7 foot bouncer to kick that bitch out! And, he kindly does.

Damn, I wish I was that bouncer.

But then a co-host says Laura can stay, because, you know, she’s upstanding. Let’s just say Laura says she’s not scandalous, and pimps her three straight-A, club level kids that she abandoned in LA as leverage. Yeah, you’re a fucking saint.

You forgot man stealer!

So Fetal Erin and Brooke leave to make out together in a hot tub. Well, better than Laura and some party that reeks of silicone and lobster, no?

Sniffle sniffle….I love lobster.

In the shitty part of Aspen, Poory sends off Alex in a tearful and way too long goodbye. Ah, kisses. Ah, life. Ah, coffee. Oh Poor-y, what’s life given to you? Two hopelessly boring men willing to tolerate your annoyingness? Man, marry one, for fucks sake!

Or let Alex go. ugly will return!

In Gay Gay Gay Ben’s house, Erin has a very breathy talk with GGG Ben about expectations, friendship and respect. For a while. and, it’s very stern. Gay Gay Gay Ben is, uh, listening?

Daddy wants vodka.

Then Gay Gay Gay ben calls Fetal Erin out on her shit at the Lobster Gobster Mobster Flobber when Erin and Brooke tried to get Laura kicked out. And yeah, that’s pretty childish.

oh.

Then they stare at each other quizzically for a while.

At Crazy Eyes and Poor-y’s apartment, we learn that Nathan ugly invited poor-y for a free, homecooked, hot meal. Which is weird that poor-y hesitates because she’s still wet for Alex. Free meal, Poor-y!

So Crazy eyes (yes, the one who went apeshit and threw chocolate cake all over the motherfucking place) gives poor-y some solid dating advice, and life advice, really. She says stop those hot hot feelings for an old flame (who is writing a book? Oh, an author!) and get jiggy with ugly nathan, who is stable and boring and awkward.

What say you? I know, feelings are hard.

Hey, do your best blowfish impression.

Nice work.

But I digress. Crazy Eyes really thinks Poor-y is super defensive about her relationship with Alex, but thinks people don’t change.

Hey Crazy eyes, do your best impression of genitals.

Nice work.

So, Poor-y goes to Nathan’s house…which doesn’t seem that swank, for how they portray him as Mr. Moneybags!

Nice garland.

So Poor-y comes in, makes some forced conversation, drinks wine and really lives it up.

Errrg…I’m tiired.

But, visions of Star’s BUG EYES and the word STABILITY seem to pass into Poor-y’s ether of the mind. Yeah, I’m a poet. So, she doesn’t dump ugly, instead, she talks about poopy diapers and kids and being 30. Blech.

Nathan, do your best “procreate with me” face.

Nice work.

So, after some awkward making out, Poor-y decides to give ugly nathan another go. Ah, romance is alive and well in Aspen!

And next week, on the SEASON FINALE: A party from hell! So, same as usual!