Hey hey, Gasmii. So sorry to have fallen behind on Shahs. I got the sort of sick where you only leave bed when your bladder demands it, and you spend the rest of your day in a semi-vegetative state wondering how your body could possibly produce so much fucking mucus.
Even if my head were a hollow vessel filled to the brim with snot, I STILL would have run out of mucus an hour ago.
So, in the interest of getting caught up before the next episode airs, we’re gonna do sort of a quickie recap of the last two episodes. I know what you’re thinking… “How ever will TheMiki be able to fit all the excitement and drama of two Shah filled hours into one quickie recap???” Well, I have some good news for you. Nothing interesting happened. At all. I think we’ll be fine.
Let’s make this happen, shall we?
Interior: GG’s apartment. GG is cutting things (food, not bitches) and talking to Reza about her parents’ upcoming 40th Anniversary Party. Reza’s like, “Oh, I’m so sad I can’t go, but I have a blind date that night…” But then in confessional he’s all like,
Yeeeessssss! I hate blind dates, but not as much as I hate my friend GG.
And then GG’s like, “Well, I’m sad but I totally understand. Oh, and unrelated, would you like to see my collection of deadly hunting knives?”
I call this one the Parents’ Anniversary Misser
Meanwhile… Sammy is checking up with Russel the Foreman to see how Mohamed’s new home build is coming along.
My eyes are up here, buddy
Sammy is terrified of Mohamed and wants everything perfect, because apparently Mohamed is an insane perfectionist who will not tolerate flaws of any kind.
Can you imagine having to live in a billion dollar home with visible grout????? The horror!!!!!!!
Meanwhile… GG is having lunch with her daddy, whom she claims has always made sure she has everything she needs.
Cars, clothes, money, self-esteem… Oh no wait… I meant purses. Not self-esteem. Pretty girls don’t need self-esteem when they can just tear down chubby girls.
Daddy gets out a credit card statement and tells GG she has to cut back on her spending or he’ll continue making vague threats about maybe possibly making her get a job or something maybe.
Who spends $8,000 a month on clothes? It’s like I raised you to not appreciate the things you have or respect consequences or something…
Over in the Chihuahua Den of Loneliness, MJ is waiting for Reza and talking about her upcoming birthday. He shows up and they take the surrogate children for a walk. Reza tells MJ, “OMG, you’re fat. Seriously. So fucking fat. BeeTeeDubs, I got you a colon cleansing for your birthday. Oh, and you’re coming to New York to visit my estranged father with me. Do you think they’ll make you buy two seats? Cause you’re so fat?”
Oh, and you’re fat.
Over in the land of excessive excess, GG and her sister (who has a fucking job, by the way) are at a car lot picking out a car to buy their parents for their anniversary.
Money is no object. Only the best for my daddy. Just put it on my daddy’s credit card.
New rule: If you are COMPLETELY reliant on your parents for money, as in have no outside income and every dime you bring in comes out of their bank account, you are not allowed to buy them presents. You learn to sculpt or paint or weld or glue some macaroni to a fucking card so that you can make them something nice. Just like a six-year-old would do, since that’s essentially what you are, you lazy twat.
Meanwhile… Mohamed gets home and runs around screaming at the construction crew for such offenses as having a coffee cup on the roof with them. Outside. On the roof. The waterproof, protect the whole house from the elements covered in shingles roof. And without even using a coaster.
And get your shoes off my sidewalk, you barbarians!
After all that yelling he tells Sammy and Russ good job and that he’s very happy with the work they’ve done.
You can tell I’m super spiritual cause I wear panchos while sitting cross-legged on my quirky outdoor furniture.
Asa is taking two of her songs over to her producer friend so he can give her some feedback and maybe produce her record.
I better at least get a handjob for this
They listen to the songs and Donray is all like, “Bitch, you craycray. I ain’t attaching my name to this rubbish. I’ve got a reputation to protect.” Only he says it like, “You’d have to change your sound to make it more mainstream and I think you have too much self-respect and an artist and an individual.”
No, no…My ears always bleed when I hear something original and artistic
Oh hey, MJ’s mom is here! Well, not here. That would be terrifying. MJ’s mom is here:
In MJ’s house, doing sassy hand.
Mama MJ runs around saying helpful, uplifting things like, “You’re doing that wrong” and “Here, let me fix that” and “You’re a chubby disappointment.”
You were also a mistake
Reza tells Mrs. Nagsworthy that he’s nervous about visiting his dad cause he hates seeing his dad flirt with other women and be a playboy because his dad cheated on his mom and then they got divorced. Nagsworthy says to let the man flirt and man the hell up and stop slouching and get a real job and find a nice girl and settle down.
I need a present for my friend’s birthday. I want to spend about three thousand dollars, because Bravo! would like me to build up some suspense that said friend and I might hook up someday.
Have you considered buying her an Asian chick? Bitches love Asian chicks. Look, this one’s got funny ears. I’ll give you a deal. I have more in the back.
You know what bitches love even more than Asian chicks?
Asian chicks who shove tubes up their butts
Awww yeah, nothing says Happy Birthday like sterile anal penetration in a loft pretending to be a medical facility. I’m pretty sure it’s an awful procedure because:
a) Getting your colon irrigated sounds suspiciously like gay waterboarding
b) No one showing that much cleavage should be allowed to perform medical procedures
A gay man is crying because the thing you put in his butt is too big. A really gay man. Who I suspect is a total nelly bottom.
After the colon irrigations are complete MJ tells us she hated it and didn’t lose any weight. All she lost was four hours of her life.
Reza is out meeting up with his blind date, who a drunk chick at Sammy’s party randomly told him he needed to meet. I know I like to let random party whores make the majority of my matchmaking decisions for me. They’re just so intuitive.
I’m dressed, pressed, and I’ve got a freshly scrubbed sphincter… Bring on the mancandy!
Hi, I’m your date. I’m 14, I dressed almost exactly like our waiter, and the only reason you won’t feel like a pedophile while you’re out with me is because my creepy facial hair makes me look more like a child-rapist than you do.
You’re paying for dinner right? Cause I don’t get my allowance for two more days.
Let’s see what Reza is missing out on by ditching GG to go meet up with the Twink Wonderboy…
I want tonight to be all about my parents, so I’ve chosen an understated, refined outfit to blend in with the other guests.
My auntie has a mental disorder and a collection of knives. I’m not allowed to play at her house.
Happy Anniversary! We bought you a car you don’t need and GG went in half with your credit card.
Do you remember your Uncle Mike?
Get away from me! You smell like the Jersey Shore!
OMG, you guys! Our friend that is always chronically late for absolutely everything she does is LATE. I can’t fucking believe this shit.
So… Totally off topic, just wondering… Where is your knife collection right this minute?
Hi, I’m finally here. Ready for GG to rain down fire and insults and sassy head movements on me.
That’s a total dick move, but I’m not actually gonna lose my shit and get all up in your face cause I know you’re not prettier than me or anything.
And that’s the end of that episode. Let’s jump straight into the next.
GG and Asa are shopping together. Asa has chosen the store, because Asa has wicked awesome fashion sense
The Zoltar look is so six months ago
She pulls out some outfits that are hideous even by my lesbian white trash standards, and as much as I hate everything about her and her stupid face, GG’s stupid face is pretty much exactly how I feel about those clothing choices
Over at Reza’s house, his adorable mom is coming over to bring him some old family photos so that he can look at them and rip open a bunch of old wounds for his mom by exclaiming over how pretty she used to be and how happy they looked.
Remember how much you cried when dad left?? Haha. That was so funny. Wasn’t that funny? When you cried? Hey, why are you crying again?
You know what sounds like a totally awesome idea? One that couldn’t possibly have any negative consequences or lead to any fighting or drama?
Three out of six girls attending Girls Night are prettier than GG. Let’s watch what happens…
So MJ, I’m still really upset with you about my parents’ anniversary dinner and your late arrival. I’m addressing this in a calm and grown up manner because you’re so fat. Clearly you’re no threat to my role as Pretty Girl. Let’s make amends and move on with our lives.
We’ll all just split a salad please. No, it’s never occurred to me that my behavior could be a direct result of my body consuming itself from hunger all the time. Why do you ask?
Also MJ, me and my somehow even prettier sister would like to address the issue of you getting off the hook for talking a bunch of shit in Vegas. Also, we’re both prettier than GG.
I know I talk endless shit and am always late, but I have an incredibly demanding career which comes first. Also, you all look skinnier standing next to me.
I am Asa’s random friend. I pissed off a Bravo! editor and so now they’re gonna cut to me jumping in and defending MJ while yelling at GG for reason about how if she didn’t live off her parents she might understand what it’s like to have to work.
Bitch please! You don’t know me! Lets shout over each other so no one can understand either one of us.
You’re a mean girl and I’m leaving
I hope you get hit by a bus, you soulless ginger bitch!
You were mean to my friend, so I’m leaving too. Plus I have to get this dress back to Jersey in 1984 before someone notices it’s missing
The next day GG goes to see her sister. After bitching to the cameras about how her sister is judgmental and never takes her side, GG is surprised when said sister doesn’t immediately jump into the ring for her when she starts bitching about the argument at Girls Night.
Well… Have you tried not being a raging cuntrag?
Over at Sammy’s place, MJ has shown up to do some birthday shots and open her birthday present.
I wanted to give you a gift that said, “I need someone to fall back on in case I ever get lonely enough to start setting up Facebook pages for my dogs.”
After getting her new diamond earring, MJ hooks up with Reza and they head to New York to see his estranged father for the first time in 16 years.
You look fat, by the way. Fatty.
You would probably assume that Reza’s father has been so distant because of his son’s sexuality, but it turns out that the tension and abandonment in the Reza family are all because his mom’s side is Muslim and his dad’s side is Jewish. Gramma Jew is a nasty old woman who hates Muslims, and she’s not a fan of her grandson, who is clearly a terrorist.
Reza’s Gramma: Making people feel slightly less bad about the holocaust since the fucking holocaust.
Reza and his dad have an awkward sort of barely hug upon seeing each other for the first time in 16 years, but Reza takes him outside to talk where it’s quieter. And where the hateful glare of Nana is at least buffered by some plate glass.
I’m sorry about your grandmother. It’s just that she hates you.
Reza cries to his dad about how he never called or wrote or checked to see if he was even alive. Reza’s dad tells Reza that it was difficult because Nana hates all NonJews and didn’t want no dirty stinkin’ terrorist in the family. Reza says he’s done with her then, and goes back inside. Reza’s dad stands on the porch and cries.
Goddammit! TheMiki is an insensitive prick who could give two fucks about the suffering of others with only a few exceptions. I cannot handle seeing animals get abused, seeing kids cry those epic little kid something awful happened tears, and seeing little old men cry at all. Three things that make me a major softy, and Reza’s dad is so killing me right now.
Poor little old man with a heinous bitch of a mother...
MJ hears the commotion and takes Reza back outside to talk to his dad some more and she orders them to give each other a real hug. They do, and the drama calms down, and everything goes smoothly for the remainder of the evening.
Evil Nana remains evil…
Well, that’s it for this week, kids. Sorry for the delay, but I hope everyone is all caught up for the new episode this weekend, which will be posted on time, I promise. Oh, and I turned 30 today (on Friday the 13th even), so wish me a happy fucking birthday.
Chase is enjoying the random April snow we’re experiencing
Stella needed a hug
To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page! You can post your favorite lines right back at us. Thanks for being here!