Hey hey Gasmii! Oh how I’ve missed you! Did you miss me? I’ve been twacked out on painkillers and muscle relaxers for the past two weeks because I dislocated my rib and the doctors couldn’t get it back in, so today’s recap is brought to you by Percocet and Flexeril.
This is my torso. That rib that’s going the wrong direction is kind of painful.
Speaking of painful… Bravo is taking a break from showing us the private lives of horrible, vapid, useless white people to bring us an inside look at the lives of horrible, vapid, useless brown people. Nothing encourages cultural diversity and tolerance like showcasing the absolute worst people any culture has to offer. So let’s meet some horrible Persians, eh?
Up first is MJ, an independent woman with two purse dogs that she pushes around in a stroller. She don’t want a man cause she/s just fine on her own. As proof of how well she’s doing, she made her dogs their own Facebook pages. Nothing says, “I’m not lonely” like social networking your fucking dogs.
Would a desperately lonely woman do this?????
Next is Reza. He’s in a very healthy loving relationship with himself. After a long diatribe on all his best features, he tells us he’s also very humble. I choose to believe that he’s joking, because if I don’t choose to believe this I either have to kill myself or tell Flipit that I quit because I can’t watch these people without getting all stabby. He sounds gay in a swishy mid-90’s queen sort of way. MJ tells us he’s her best friend, and he’s gay, which we all knew, but I’m happy to hear that he knows.
I first realized I was into men when I caught my reflection in the mirror…
Reza and MJ boned once, and he says he can “get it up” for a girl or a boy or the wind because, HELLO! He’s Persian. So, just in case you don’t know which stereotypes to believe about Persians, we now know that they all want to hump the wind and do not suffer from erectile dysfunction.
It’s getting hard now just thinking about all the other times it’s gotten hard
Moving right along, Mike and GG are a couple of classy fuckers who are in the market for a gun. Mike used to date GG’s sister, but now he’s all about GG. They flirt back and forth, but they’re not actually dating. GG is all about guns and exposing her midriff. She’s used to her daddy buying her everything, and now she wants a man who can keep up with her lifestyle. So… She aspires to be a hooker, but a really expensive one who works for one client exclusively. Stereotype number 2: Persians are gold-digging whores.
CLASSY gold-digging whores
GG does not want to marry a Persian boy because (steeotype number three) Persian boys are mama’s boys and expect their wives to cook and clean for them. Mike is in real estate and makes tons of money and thinks incredibly highly of himself. Ick. I’m really glad I don’t form opinions on entire races of people based on Bravo programming, but I shudder to think of how many people do and how far this show is going to set the entire Persian race back as a result. These people make the Real Housewives look sort of… Tolerable.
Wait… I take that back
Our next Persian is Asa. She tells us she’s a painter, videographer, photographer, and musician. She makes art and music about what it’s like to be Persian in a America. She’s working on a song called Tejan-gelas, because Los Angeles is crawling with Persians. Asa came from a super wealthy family in Iran, but when they fled to the states they lost everything and she grew up poor in the ghetto. She talks a lot of shit about how materialistic Persians are, and tells us she has a love/hate thing with her people. To be fair though, this is Beverly Hills, and all people of all races are materialistic fuckwads in Beverly Hills, right?
Either that or pretentious art twats
Next up is Sammy, a sort of harmless little pudgy dude who also works in real estate and who tells us that he loves Reza because he rocks a rapist mustache and still manages to be cool. There’s some wheeling and dealing happening between Reza and Sammy over an unfinished house that Sammy wants to sell. It’s not very interesting, so let’s just skip over that, yeah?
Smell that? Overcompensation.
Back over with MJ, she’s having her mom over. She tells us Persian stereotype number four, which is that Persian mothers love to talk shit about how you’re living your life. I think that’s moms in general, yeah? But according to MJ, Persian moms are the gold standard in nitpicking and tearing down their offspring. Sammy is at the house for dinner as well, and MJ’s mom loves Sammy and clearly wants them to date, but MJ says Sammy only dates strippers and won’t date a girl he’s not, “Having S E X with.” Really? Who the fuck spells out, “Sex” like it was a swear word and there was a child nearby? That’s just… weird.
You know that your mother can spell, right?
Just in case we weren’t getting the picture that we’re supposed to hate the shit out of GG, she’s out shopping and telling us how imperative it is to not repeat outfits and to buy something new for every party. Then she tells us she’s 30 years old and the only paycheck she’s ever received was from her daddy. So yeah… She’s clearly a well-rounded and interesting human being.
Well-rounded and interesting in her bra maybe…
The Persians are having a dinner party or something, and Reza is telling us that he’s stoked Asa managed to pull herself together and not dress like a belly-dancer, because usually she looks like trash and embarrasses the shit out of him. Yeah, there’s nothing more embarrassing than when your friend dresses kinda silly and everyone looks at them and judges you without even noticing your designer shoes or your rapist mustache.
Goddamn gypsy skank is an embarrassment to classy Persians everywhere!
The entire cast is there at the table, and I think we’re supposed to get the impression that they do this all the time. The conversation is about as interesting as sitting next to a table of drunk neanderthals at Applebee’s…. The whole conversation is about how the Jew boys wind up marrying Jew girls and the Muslims marry each other, and it’s nice to know that people who are discriminated against are able to fight back by discriminating against each other.
Mid-conversation, Asa says something about H&M and GG freaks out because H&M to Persians is like K-Mart to rich white people. I’m sure there was creative editing happening, but I didn’t see Asa actually direct her comment at GG or anything. I’m not actually even clear on what she was saying about H&M, but it doesn’t matter because GG calls her trashy. Asa asks if she’s trashy just because her daddy doesn’t bankroll her entire existence and that comment brings on the metaphorical record scratch/everyone stop talking and look shocked moment. Reza tells us that if you’re Persian, you DONT EVER talk about someone’s family. GG gets all, “If you ever talk about my father again…” and I’m just fucking confused. Did Bravo edit out the part of the conversation where Asa said something negative about GG’s father? Or does the no talking about someone’s family mean that you literally are never allowed to mention anyone from the same bloodline as one of your friends? Persians on Bravo confuse me. Or maybe that’s my second Percocet finally kicking in. Yeah, cause opiates make me type in really long paragraphs, and scrolling up for a second confirms that I am now writing under the effect of far too many opiates.
Opiates help to make this watchable though…
The next morning Sammy is on the phone with Reza trying to find a buyer for his unfinished house, and Mike is meeting up with some other real estate suits to look greasy and talk about money. Actually, after catching a marathon of Million Dollar Listing when I had the flu last year I think the best stereotype we can draw from Bravo is that real estate agents are the lowest form of life on the planet and we should all go live in mud huts so that the entire lot of them can die off.
Oh hey, and one of MJ’s friends is getting married and MJ is one of her bridesmaids. MJ hates weddings and is the snarky angry bridesmaid that every bride needs to have to complete the set for their special day. The bridesmaids are picking out dresses, and even though MJ gets her choice of dresses and the bride approves, MJ goes off on a tangent about how her mom always says that marriage only leads to divorce and that the whole wedding is a lot of hassle to go through just to get divorced anyway. One of the other bridesmaids points out that you’re not supposed to say shit like that to a bride who is shopping for her wedding dress, but MJ has some good natured friends and they all (even the bride) just laugh it off. Then again, this is Beverly Hills, so it’s possible they’re just waiting for MJ to leave the room so they can start talking shit about how horrible she is.
Just for that you’re wearing pink taffeta
Back over with Mikey, he’s at his mother’s house for Friday night Shabbat. Mikey reiterates that family is very important to Persians and that he goes to his mom’s for Shabbat every Friday. Mike’s family is much less slimy and annoying than the rest of the Persians we’ve been shown, so of course Bravo only shows them for about five seconds. Why watch normal people interact when we could watch horrible people be horrible to each other. Where’s that GG bitch?
If you’re all gonna be so decent to each other we’ll just pack up our cameras and go
Reza and his friend Tony are sitting around talking about this pool party they’ll be attending at Sammy’s place. Tony has never been to a Persian pool party before, so Reza is trying to prepare him for how it will differ from a gay pool party. Reza tells us that it’s very hard to be gay in the Persian community. Goddammit, fuck all these minorities who bitch about how hard it is to be gay in their community. It’s hard to be gay, okay? Period. There’s no community outside of the GAY COMMUNITY where it’s easy. White gay kids and black gay kids and brown gay kids all struggle like hell to come to terms with who they are. Stop trying to act like you have it harder because of your ethnicity.
Reza relays the story of how his mom was hysterical for five minutes or so when he told her he was gay, but then she pulled herself together and told him she would always love and support him. Yeah, you know what my mom did? She changed the locks and threw all my shit out on the front lawn. When I was 15. I win the tales of gay woe here.
MJ is getting ready for the party when GG shows up with her friends to all get prettied up together. GG is all cuntastic saying if she’s gonna spend all this time looking good then she expects others to do the same. Great, and if I spend all this time earning my own damn money, I also expect others to do the same. Fuck off, twat waffle.
She’s like a fucking Disney villain or something
Sammy is getting his place set up for the party, which is not like some soiree by the pool that us common folk are used to. This is a fucking event, complete with tarps and skanks and caterers and a mother fucking tiger. Way to reinforce stereotypes, guys.
I feel like this is racist somehow
Sammy tells us that Reza is the toughest guy he knows and he respects the hell out of him for being brave enough to be out and true to himself. Mike is there with his current skankbag, who Reza accurately describes as looking like a mail-order bride. Asa shows up and tells us she loves seeing Sammy but hates these parties because she’s the outsider. All the girls (especially GG) start talking shit about her outfit. GG tells us the two things she doesn’t like are ants and ugly people. She forgot work, thinking, and helping others…
OMG and do you remember high school? Cause I clearly never left it.
Reza is having a birthday the next weekend and they’re all going to Vegas. GG is being a self-centered cunt about the fact that Reza invited Asa, and she does that thing that horrible people do where they try to make themselves seem less horrible by saying shit like, “I want to make sure we keep our distance because this weekend is about you and I don’t want there to be any drama.” For those of you that aren’t closely acquainted with any horrible people, this is bitch-speak for, “I’m going to start a fight in the middle of your party and then act like I’m upset with the other chick for fighting back when the party is supposed to be about you.” Reza totally enables her by telling her that she’s such a classy lady about the issues between her and Asa and he appreciates her maturity.
GG then wanders off to talk shit about Mike’s girlfriend and the way she’s dressed. Mike gets up in her face and tells her she’s jealous because his girlfriend is the hottest girl at the party. He says that when he showed the girl GG’s picture all she said was that she was gorgeous because she’s not a jealous bitch. Haha. Burn! Mike and GG get in a row and it’s painfully obvious that GG can’t handle anyone looking at girls that aren’t her. I’d like to take this moment to remind you that this bitch owns a lot of guns.
Lots and lots of guns…
Okay, that’s the end of episode one. Good to know that no matter what your race, religion, or country of origin, rich people on Bravo shows are all horrible excuses for human beings.
What’d everyone think? Is there a single likable person anywhere to be seen? Is GG playing a character for the cameras? Does Reza’s mustache rape people?
Chase says “Hi” and that he got both the bones
Stella would like to know what I’m gonna do about it
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