Still as annoying as last year.
Hello my little Joons! It’s time for a new season of Shahs of Sunset. There are a lot of familiar faces and a few new ones. Namely, Lilly, who has taken the place of Sammy. Bravo has yet to comment on the situation, but I could not be happier because Sammy is creepy and boring. So let’s pour one out for Sammy’s only redeemable quality, his ability to accept his baldness, and check in with my favorite Shah, Reza, and my least favorite Shah, Asa.
I lied. His ‘stache is my favorite Shah.
Reza explains that he has a new, more natural lady love in his life. Asa is his “Persian fiery soul mate.” He is headed to her house to see it for the first time. First time?! Their egos quickly fill the room as Asa explains that she has designed EVERYTHING in the house. Not one to seem untrendy, Reza points out that the counter tops are referred to “Calcutta Gold.” Gag. She has been renting out the main house and guest house while she lives out her starving artist fantasy. You know what that scrimping and saving probably got here? That four thousand dollar toilet. Oh, secret time while that cameras are filming you for a Bravo reality television show! Asa shows Reza where her 30k in gold coins is buried. Maybe it is time to change the hiding place? Then Asa totally switches gears to complain that she only has five hundred bucks in her bank account. She has bills to pay and art to create. This is why she is my least favorite. Everything about her is fake, and she tries so hard to seem like an average person.
MJ is in the car with potentially one of the worst mothers in history. Sadly, it is her own mother, Vida. I refuse to call her by her given name, so I shall now refer to her as She-Devil. She-Devil is going out of the country for a month, so MJ is driving her mother and her mother’s bird to her uncle’s house. MJ suggests they go on a mother-daughter vacation, and, since She-Devil has not made her daughter have suicidal thoughts in twenty minutes, she says she would rather poke her eyes with needles. Feel the family love!
She knows something about asshole moms.
Now it is time to check in with GG. She arrives at her sister Leila’s house. Some friends are lounging by the pool, and we find out that the loudest friend is Omid. GG and Omid have a “history.” I would imagine that she has a “history” with 75% of the men in Beverly Hills. GG follows her sister into the kitchen to talk (complain) about their new hair extension business. She has ONE job to help get the company off the ground, marketing the product. GG admits that she knows absolutely nothing about the subject. Leila looks like she is about to stab her in her right ovary, but she just calmly tells her to read her contract first. Somehow, GG tries to turn the situation around on her sister. If Leila would have just done all of the work, AND called the company “GG’s Extensions,” then none of this would have happened in the first place! Sis is done. GG needs to get a job at McDonald’s, or something, to teach her responsibility. Golnesa says she wishes she could say her sister was pregnant and hormonal, but she is really just a bitch. Right about now, I am thinking about how happy I am to be an only child.
“But I can’t even spell “marketing!”
Reza and Mike take their cars to get detailed and to spend some quality bro time together. Time for white stereotypes as understood by these two Persians. White people can’t drive! White people will give back money that does not belong to them! Horrors! They laugh about more stereotypes, then Mike brings up real estate. Mike’s favorite topics: 1 – his mother, 2 – himself, 3 – real estate. He lost a lot of money a few years ago, and I have a hard time caring because he is waiting for the peons to finish detailing his Mercedes.
“I’M A MONSTER…for wanting Mike to get run over by his newly cleaned car!”
Back poolside at Leila’s house, GG sucks on a cigarette while Omid bestows some words of wisdom on her. Just joking. He brings up his problems with his family business, then spews some shit about the sky being the limit. Another friend, let’s just call him Whitey, breaks into the conversation to inquire about the state of his hair. No one cares, Whitey!! You are just a meaningless prop in their narcissistic lives.
MJ and She-Devil arrive at the Uncle Mansoor’s home. Uncle M and Auntie Zeba have been hosting family dinners at their house since MJ was young and not fully affected by her mother’s hate. Don’t fret, it’s family, so they know what they are in for. The food is served and, so far, the atmosphere is light. MJ makes a toast and Auntie Z takes a moment to tell She-Devil that she is “super woman.” MJ tells us that her mom makes her feel like shit about every aspect of her life. It is actually really sad because her cousin explains that his mom has never made him feel bad for any of his life choices, not even girlfriends. MJ tells the table that her mom hates her, as She Devil calmly readjusts her lipstick using a knife as a mirror.
Mj tells She-Devil that no daughter would put up with this emotional abuse for so long and continuously come back. The Devil plainly tells her to just stop then. She does not care! Auntie Z opens her mouth to explain that that is just the way She-Devil is, and there ain’t no changin’ her! Poor MJ starts to quietly cry into her Chelow kabob, which causes her mother to berate her even more! Per the Devil, all her daughter does is drink wine and cry. Auntie Z’s opinion is shit too, so She-devil ends the harmonious family dinner by stomping off and basically telling her family, “You don’t know me! I do what I want!”
“But I really like wine!!”
Reza is working. He is showing his new client, Lilly, a house. We finally get to meet the newest Shah! She could be a long lost Kardashian sister, fo realz. Obviously, Reza is obsessed with his newest Persian princess friend. He shows her around the property. Lilly tells him that she designs bathing suits, is from Texas, and is insisting her ex-boyfriend buy a giant mansion so she can THINK about getting back together with him. Reza has a total boner over how skinny she is. His dream of dreams is to wake up and look like an anorexic Barbie with tits bigger then his hair. Oh, and he wants to skin Lilly and wear her as a coat. He invites her to meet his friends. Since she did not hear the coat comment, Lilly accepts. I am sure that there will be many more opportunities for her to get skeeved out.
On the way to some sort of party, Mike calls his mom and talks real estate. Yawning, Mike. It turns out that the party is actually a baby shower, which is the perfect setting to scout out potential business relationships. He corners Manny, the guy that owns the home, but Manny turns the tables and takes Mike on a tour of his mansion. The money these people spend on cars, homes, clothes, and jewelry makes me feel nauseous. The phrases “more money than sense” also comes to mind. Manny tells Mike that he lived in a station wagon when he was younger. He has worked hard for everything around him. Mike decides he is probably just a spoiled brat, but Manny has renewed his commitment to work extra hard.
Asa visits Michael Costello, a Gypsy fashion designer in the area. After she orgasms over the clothes and shoes, she puts some tacky ass neon body suit over her outfit. She looks stupid, but she is an artistic artist who loves art, so everyone agrees it looks great.
Good Lord, woman.
Asa is really there because the people at Michael Costello’s shop want to use her music for their NYC Fashion Week show. The financier straight up says she has never heard her music, but she will give her 10k to perform. Asa waivers for a moment, but then she remembers she is poor. They all agree on the payment amount. Lady Moneybags says she will call her soon. I bet that is how most of Asa’s dates ended in high school.
Reza stops by MJ’s apartment to help her set up an online dating profile. She wants to prove to herself and her mother that she is dating material. MJ, that shipped has sailed with your mother. Why must you beat yourself up?! Rather than scare a potential suitor away with the truth, she tells Reza she likes to “feed the homeless on Thanksgiving, ping pong, and volleyball.” What the fuck? No wonder she is single. That, and the low self esteem. And the apparent alcoholic tendencies. Any who, it becomes apparent that she is extremely picky when it comes to a guy’s looks. Reza asks if she would date a fire crotch. Nope. What about Rice? Hells no! Looks like MJ will be doomed to live a lonely life with her two obese chihuahuas. Side note: What the hell does “rice” mean in the context Reza was using??!
“We wouldn’t mind if you used us for your coat, Reza! Arf!”
It’s time for the big group dinner, hosted by Asa. The Shah’s and their minions show up at the restaurant one at a time because none of them can stand for anyone else to get in the way of their attention. GG and Omid decide to go drink for drink for the rest of the night. It looks like the Mike/GG showmance is still going strong because Mike informs us that he is not jealous of the lowly Omid. GG tells us that she no longer cares about Mike because she has Omid. I have decided that I do not care about this story line until G and M hump.
“Wanna make it a threesome?”
Omid shuffles chairs next to Asa. He is very much feeling the alcohol as he hyena laughs in her ear. After a few more wails, Asa requests that she be warned of all future laughs. Now, I understand she is annoyed, as both of them are currently annoying me, but is it possible to warn someone that you are about to laugh? Laughing is kind of a spur of the moment thing, no? Artistic Asa continues her thinly veiled judgement on Omid. She compliments him on his decision to keep his big nose instead of submitting to peer pressure to have it operated on. What the fuck is wrong with her?
Reza arrives with Lilly, and I think GG and MJ’s eyeballs are about to pop out of their skulls. Fakeness abounds and they are all, like, total best friends foreva now! Asa tries to make a toast, but no one will shut up for five seconds to let her talk. I love it. After Omid makes some douche comment that may or may not be about sex, Asa announces her music will be used in a NY fashion show. Also, they are all invited to a pool party this Saturday. By this time, GG is acting like a drunk slut. She is slurring her words and Mike hides his head in shame because this is a swanky Beverly Hills establishment, damn it!! Reza can’t believe they are embarrassing him in front of his future, Persian princess skin coat. GG huffs off. Omid asks the gang if he should go all Ric Flair on their asses.
Omid and wrestling. Both are fake.
Hair starts waving and fingers start snapping as Lilly informs Omid that his drunk ass will treat them like the classy, respectable ladies they are. LOL!
Mike ushers Omid outside and him and GG hop into a cab. Back inside, Reza apologizes for their behavior. I get the impression that Lilly is not impressed with these turd sandwiches.
NEXT WEEK: Mike dates out of his comfort zone. Asa yells at GG for acting like a lush, and I think there is a fight! MJ goes to some much needed therapy.
So, what did you think Gasmii? Am I overreacting about Asa, or does she annoy you as much as she annoys me? Does anyone else get excited when Reza and MJ hang out? Who would win in a fight, Asa or GG? Until next week, lovas!