Shahs of Sunset: This Cristal tastes like excess

Hey hey, Gasmii!  Welcome back for another week of Bravo’s latest reality abortion.  Last week GG was a raging ubercunt towards Anita for no reason at all while the crew was in Vegas celebrating Reza’s birthday.  Then the crew was mean to GG and she stormed out of the restaurant after they all refused to speak to her at dinner.   Intrigue, thy name is Bravo.

By “Film and Arts” I’m going to assume you mean, “Horrible people with too much money being followed by cameras.”

We open with everyone still in Vegas, but packing up their stuff to head back to Sunset.  Everyone is ready to go except for MJ, who still hasn’t packed a damn thing and is wandering around like she’s all Tussin’d out or something.  Reza asks her where GG is and she tells him that she went to GG’s room and everything was gone.  Anita points out that since GG created all the drama and then ran away when things started to turn against her, clearly she just wants attention.  Um… Duh.  That’s all any of you vapid whores want.  GG is just the loudest and most obvious about it.

Well… This one might want a nap and another bottle of cough syrup 

 

Somewhere in between bitching about GG they must have gotten MJ all packed up, because everyone loads into their enviro-raping private jet and flies back home.

 

Meanwhile, in Beverly Hills, GG sits down to lunch by herself and makes small talk with the guy at the table next to her by bitching about everything she can think of to bitch about.  Oh, and I guess it’s probably the next day or something because MJ meets her there and they order some foods.

Good thing that waitress isn’t prettier than me or I’d have a serious problem with the food around here.

MJ decides she should tell GG what the deal is and why everyone is so mad at her.   GG says that the whole situation with Anita was actually a case of Anita coming at HER and GG just protecting herself.  Then she says it’s just like it used to be in high school when girls would come at her and she would have to protect herself.  I have an inkling as to how these confrontations might have gone… I bet it was something like this:

 

Random girl in hallway: “Hi GG, how was your weekend?”

 

GG: “Bitch, you don’t talk about my weekend!  You don’t know me!  Your shirt is from K-Mart!”  ****Pulls random girl’s hair while shrieking like a howler monkey***

 

MJ asks GG if she’ll be coming to the champagne tasting that Reza is throwing, wherein he’s doing some blind taste tests to find out if his friends can tell expensive champagne from carbonated cat piss.  GG gives a noncommittal sort of nod.

I need a fix. I’ve got bugs all over me, bitch!

 

Sammy is working with some smarmy home builder dude named Mohamed who is building some sixty million dollar home for himself.  It’s crazy huge and complicated and he’s leaving the build job in Sammy’s hands while he’s away on vacation for a couple weeks.  If things go well, Sammy’s got an in to start working on these crazy expensive new home deals.  If they go shitty, Sammy will be sleeping with the fishies.

 ”Ahnd ovah heyah is where I pooting ze community gahden for ze less fortunaht.  Hahaha, I keed. Fuck ze poor. Dis ver I poot my fountain of moneez.”

Over in her chic Bohemian lair, Asa is feeling inspired and artistic, and she does this weird shit where she picks flowers and collects ocean water and then infuses diamonds and flowers in the water to make “Diamond Water” which she then bottles and uses as a means of connecting with her “Inner Aries Fire Drag0n Intergalactic Persian Princess.”  She tells us it’s magical and amazing super expensive.

One of the characters was starting to border on likable.  Quick! Someone slip her some mescaline! 

She grabs a bottle of her magic Diamond Water and heads to the recording studio, where she makes a breathy unimpressive recording of a song called… wait for it…. “Diamond Water.”  Yeah.  Then she does some more recording and talks to the camera about how awesome her music is.

I’m not materialistic or anything, but I drink fucking diamonds. 

Over on the business end of Beverly Hills, MJ and Reza are in their shared office discussing real estate deals.  MJ tells us that most of the stereotypes that you hear about Persians are true.  They’re loud, gaudy, materialistic, clannish, and they all work in real estate.

 

Reza is visiting some spoiled blonde bitch with incredibly fake boobs who is looking to upgrade from her current mansion, while MJ is working with some snooty brown woman with a snooty accent and a silent son.   For all her laziness and what I’m beginning to suspect is a cough syrup habit, MJ knows how to sell shit.  Picture a well-dressed, well-spoken, educated stoner who just ate an entire batch of brownies all by herself.

Duuude, or you could like… put in a gazebo with a gazebo inside so it was like… A gazebo within a gazebo. And you could call it Inception-zebo! I’m hungry.”

Reza, on the other hand, takes the ‘8th Grade Chess Club President who just snorted his brother’s Ritalin’ approach.  He’s all over the place, there’s tons of pressure, and he’s crazy demanding.  Reza says he works way harder than MJ.  MJ agrees, and adds that she makes more money than Reza regardless.

He also takes the, “Maybe if we don’t look at them they’ll go away” approach to chesticles. 

Meanwhile, Mikey is trying to sell a space to a dude who is looking to open a new club downtown.  Unfortunately, the top floors of his space are high-end lofts, and the client is concerned about the late-night noise level that his business will produce.  Mikey looks all sorts of upset about this development, but offers to show his client some other possible spaces later in the week.

 

Now that we’re done with Take Your Viewers to Work Day, it’s time for some air-clearing.  MJ has arranged for GG and Reza to get together and talk.  There’s a lot of staring and glaring and eye-contact avoiding.  MJ jumps in and says she wants everyone to hear everyone else’s side of the story.  GG is still trying to deny that she ever talked shit, but Reza ain’t buying it.  The funny thing about trying to blame someone else for starting something is that if there are a lot of witnesses, no one will believe your bullshit.  I suspect, however, that GG has that mental problem that Cartman had in the South Park episode where Jimmy writes the funniest joke ever and then Kanye West tries to have them killed.  Anyone see that episode?  Know what I’m talking about?

And then remember???? I save you from a dragon???

Reza says that GG sees things happening that aren’t really happening, and then has a wicked short temper on top of it.  He makes amends with her though, and asks her to please be cordial to Anita at the champagne tasting later that week.

 

Mikey has a super boring lunch with his mom, who seems nice and supportive and exactly the way everyone would like their mom to be.  Hence the boring.

 

Sammy heads over to check out the progress on the home build.  Sammy tells the foreman that since Mohamed gave him 30k to watch his site for two weeks, and since there’s no way he’s keeping the money, he wants to add a shift and try and get the whole project a week ahead of schedule.  He offers the foreman a 5k bonus on top of the extra hours if he can make it happen.  They shake on it, and the game is afoot.

Wait a minute… I make $30,000 a YEAR.  Fuck this job. I’m building the rest of this home out of sugar glass and hooker spit.

 

Reza, meanwhile, is picking out champagnes for his party, and he’s accompanied by Bob from Biggest Loser’s slightly gayer twin.  Their total is over eight thousand dollars.  Fuck balls, man.  I should have gotten into super overpriced real estate.

Either that or screaming at fat people on treadmills… 

Hey, time for this overpriced party.  Anita is there, of course, so I’m pretty sure this will be a “Just add GG” recipe for psycho drama.  Oh, and Mikey brought a date, which is sure to make GG act even more sane and rational than she usually does.  It’s the same girl he brought to Sammy’s party, and according to Reza that means that he has a flavor of the month instead of a flavor of the week.

More than a month and GG will rip off your face and wear it as a mask 

GG shows up late, which Asa tells us she always does because she needs extra attention.  Anita is standing right next to her, but when MJ walks her over and says, “Come say Hi” GG just shakes her head an walks away.  GG tries to ignore the situation entirely, while Anita walks around joking with everyone about how GG is cray-cray.  GG tries to taunt Mike about his date, but Mike doesn’t take the bait and just walks away.  Oh good, yeah, let’s make her feel insecure.  That never leads to bad things.

Could someone else hold her up?  I need to go cut a bitch!

Reza gets out the tasting flutes and announces that everyone will be tasting five different champagnes and trying to identify which is which.  They’re having Cristal, Dom, Veuve Cliequet,  Moet, and “some hoopty bottle.”  Reza tells GG that she’s up first, and MJ escorts her to the kitchen while they pour the champagne.  She comes out and scores 2 out of 5.  Actually, according to the short clippy montage we see of the party, everyone but Mikey sucks shit at identifying champagne.

Okay, so new plan… Sell real estate during the day, scream at fat people at night, and use spare cash to bottle carbonated cat piss and sell it for 500 bucks a bottle. 

Over in the kitchen, GG walks up to Anita and demands to know if she has something to say to her.  The editing makes it look like she just approached her out of nowhere, but it looks to me like Anita probably said something first, and this is coming from someone who thinks GG is a crazy dramatic psycho hose beast.  GG tries to tell Anita that she is still hurt over the things Anita did in Vegas, and STILL tries to deny that she was ever talking shit about Anita in the first place.  Sammy asks them both to please just let it go, and then Reza jumps in and starts trying to talk to MJ, and then GG freaks out and screams at everyone to shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up and pay attention to me before my head explodes

Reza asks everyone to please just get along, but GG says she can’t think with all that noise and she needs to talk to Anita alone.  They both sort of half-apologize, with GG still insisting she never talked shit, and with Anita sort of giving up on getting her to admit it.  I’m sure there’s at least a little editing going on here as well, but I think Anita might have some psycho-whispering powers when she puts her mind to it.  There are tears and fake apologies, and then they hug it out and that’s the end of it.

I’m so glad we mutually decided that the other person was sorry.

And that brings to a close another week of Shahs.  Kind of a boring week, really.  All I learned is that rich people can’t tell Cristal from $3 champagne either, and that the editors hate GG as much as all the rest of us do.

 

The puppies, thrilled as usual to be watching Bravo!

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