Hey hey, kids. How are things? How was your week? Are you all ready for week two of Bravo’s latest look into why humanity is doomed, and why that isn’t necessarily a bad thing when you think about it?
Humanity is actually kind of overrated…
In case you missed lasts week’s cappage, here’s the essentials:
GG — The villain. Shallow, vapid, mean, perpetually stuck in high school. Her “job” is being pretty and her daddy is making sure she gets a hefty salary for doing it.
Mike — GG’s friend/obvious love interest. He’s a bit of a meathead, but not too terribly intolerable. Yet.
Reza — He’s gay, he’s full of himself, he has a creepy mustache, and he’s totally one of the mean girls.
Asa — The only cast member who isn’t obsessed with what designer’s name is written on her ass. Instead, she focuses on obsessing over letting everyone know that she doesn’t care what designer’s name is written on her ass. Pretentious Bohemian art chick and arch nemesis of GG.
Sammy — Harmless looking real estate guy who rents fucking tigers for his pool parties. The least annoying cast member thus far.
MJ — Independent woman who is proving to the world how happy she is without a man by setting up Facebook pages for her dogs and pushing them around in a stroller. Desperate loneliness, thy name is MJ…
Okay, all caught up? Ready to see what episode two has to offer? Well then… Let’s do this bitch.
This week opens with Reza, MJ, and GG meeting up for lunch to discuss some real estate open house… But really they’re there to talk shit about everyone from Sammy’s pool party. GG can’t stop talking shit about Mike’s date to the event, and they all take turns talking mad shit about Asa’s outfit. Which looked like this, in case anyone’s curious…
Yeah… pretty much looks like a dress
Reza leads the conversation over to his upcoming birthday celebration, which involves wasting a lot of money renting out multiple floors of a Vegas hotel. Later, Reza calls his dad, whom he says he hasn’t spoken to in a long time. They’re estranged, but cordial. I was worried that scene was gonna get all bittersweet and make TheMiki get all teary eyed, because TheMiki is a sucker for scenes where parents accept their openly gay children and love them anyway. Lucky for me, Reza’s dad just tells him to have a happy birthday and to come visit him in Long Island soon, and then that’s the end of that.
Reza then tell us that he has expectations for what his friends will look like if they want to be seen with him. Way to blow that whole, “Gay men are shallow bitches” stereotype out of the water.
Never let a man in a purple shirt/purple tie combo dictate your fashion
MJ is picking out her wardrobe for the weekend and tells us the club they’ll be spending the majority of their time at is called, “Roofie or Amnesia or something…” Someone please tell me there is actually a club in Vegas called Roofie. Because that right there… That’s fucking awesome.
Asa is also getting ready for the weekend, and for a non materialistic Bohemian chick she sure does own a lot of shoes and clothes. I know she lives in Beverly Hills, but bitch has an entire drawer of bikinis.
A minimalist collection of swimwear
GG is taking a break from eating the souls of babies to pack her own wardrobe for Vegas. She has a stylist (a fucking stylist!) who comes by to present some options for weekend attire. Her stylist is kinda hot, but what the fuck does a jobless, non-celebrity need a fucking stylist for?
GG’s stylist is hotter than her, but it’s okay because she’s black
Time to gather the troops! Reza sends a party limo to pick up the guests, complete with in-car stripper pole. Of course, in the interest of drama, the limo picks up GG and Asa first and then drives around in circles for a while waiting for them to start trying to scratch each others eyes out.
I think I have some bear mace in here. Hold on a sec…
GG makes conversation with Asa about how scared she is of flying and how she has to take anxiety pills and carry a paper bag to breathe into. You can hear the frustrated screams of Bravo editors and they begin to have a friendly conversation about some juicehead GG is thinking about calling up while they’re in Vegas.
And I’m scared of flying. Aren’t I so super interesting?
Mike is next on the party limo route. He tells us he loves Vegas and it’s his stopping ground. He says he knows everyone in the clubs and so none of his friends better embarrass him. Reza’s friend David, who I don’t believe is an official cast member, hops in the limo next, and then everyone sits in the limo and waits for MJ and Reza. Apparently MJ is always late, and today is no exception, and she loads up with her curlers still in her hair.
And the body bag for your dead hookers in the trunk like usual, sir?
Sammy is last on the party train, and with a full house Reza decides it’s time to show off his stripper moves. They’re embarrassingly bad for a gay man, but MJ is day-drinking and I get the feeling she’ll be doing some ‘round the clock alcohol consumption for our viewing pleasure all weekend long.
This Persian strip club is kind of a let-down
MJ tells us she feels sorry for anyone who has to fly commercial when it’s so obvious that private jets are the only way to travel. Yeah… The environment says, “Fuck you too, you greasy bitch.”
All aboard to melt the polar ice-caps cause we’re too fucking special to ride in limo for less than 300 miles
The plane takes off, and in the grand tradition of pretty girls everywhere, GG makes sure everyone knows how hard of a time she’s having on the flight. Umm… Beverly Hills to Vegas? What is that…? Like, a 20 minute flight? Shut the fuck up, cunt!
Yes, stewardess? Could you call Homeland Security? I think the guy next to me might be a terrorist.
Reza tells us that Vegas, as a city, is basically a Persian because it likes glitz and glam and taking all your money while handing you free porno. Or something… He has gone mad crazy renting out an extravagant suite that’s roughly the size of an entire apartment complex. Fucking spoiled, shiny, shallow bitches.
Everyone gets ready to go out for the evening, and MJ is clearly tossed. Reza has a friend named Anita who I think we met briefly at the party last week… Anyway, she’s there too and getting ready and clearly making GG uncomfortable cause she’s prettier than her.
MJ is knocking back the little baby bottles of booze and telling us how she’s gonna wait with GG cause she’s a Leo and Leo’s are loyal. And drunk. Loyal and drunk. Everyone else decides to get to the restaurant and not wait on the slow girls. GG has been curling her hair for hours, and MJ is trying like hell to prove that you can drink an entire mini-bar in one sitting.
My god, I’m so pretty that I just want to stand here staring at myself all night long
Eventually they make it down to join everyone for dinner, and MJ is a hot fucking mess. Mike decides to help by ordering shots, Cause this woman right here… Needs shots!
Mike is doing some whisper-talking with some blonde woman who is apparently super important or something. I dunno. I’ve never been clear on how those club connections work with all their secret handshakes and shit. I assume no one does anything, but everyone feels better because they look super important.
Food arrives along with champagne, and there’s a lively discussion about how it’s hard to tell the difference between Dom and Cristal. My roommate brought home a bottle of Cristal several months ago after getting a really major promotion at work, and I can’t tell the difference between Cristal and carbonated cat piss. I really like sparkling whites and was all excited to try it, but that shit is nasty.
You know what else is nasty? GG.
GG agrees with me, but tells us that Dom is much better, which I don’t know one way or the other. Reza tells her they’ll have to do a blind taste test to see if she can really tell the difference, and then tells the cameras that he’ll put some peepee and seltzer water in a glass and she’ll think it’s Dom. So then… My conclusion is that Dom tastes just like Cristal.
MJ is still drinking, but she is not looking good. I think she’s maybe about to start projectile vomiting all over the table, but instead she leans over to GG and starts word vomiting and talking shit about Anita’s outfit. Reza pulls off a Bravo Network first and correctly uses the word “Literally” by saying that MJ is talking shit about Anita while Anita is literally about 44 inches away from her. Good job, Reza! Now go hit a Kardashian with a dictionary and I’ll take back some of the mean things I said about you.
Please attempt to put more that a foot of space between you and the girl you’re trashing on
Anita is apparently not only the prettiest girl at the table (by a lot) but also the most grown-up and respectful, because even though GG and MJ are giggling like a couple of Junior Homecoming Queens, and even though you can see on Anita’s face that she can hear every word they’re saying, she doesn’t get aggressive or passive aggressive or dramatic. She turns her attention to the birthday boy and ignores the vapid whores beside her. This, ladies and gentlemen, is why Bravo did not ask Anita to be a regular cast member on the show.
When bitches talk shit about your dress and you just look away and don’t react, YOU DON’T BELONG ON FUCKING BRAVO!
GG makes a big production out of texting her juicehead, clearly attempting to make Mike jealous and get some attention, cause we all know she’s so very starved for attention. She heads back to her room to fuck her juicehead, and everyone else heads to the club (where Mike, of course, knows the owners). The club looks exactly like every overpriced, dress code enforced, date rape haven in every casino on the strip. Maybe I’m unimpressed because I live in Nevada, but I fucking hate those ritzy meathead and hobag clubs.
GG shows up with her juicehead, who is named Chris, and waits for Mike to get all insecure because Chris is like, better looking or richer or something. Mike takes one look at him, laughs, and gives him a hug cause Chris is one of his boys. He then proceeds to ignore the fuck out of GG and flirt with every girl in her line of sight, while GG stares at him like she’s got fucking laser vision and is trying to melt his face off. Ahh… Grown-ups.
Oh, and this was happening
MJ has reaches the stripping off her dress point of inebriation, followed by puking on the expensive VIP couch and then running away while everyone tries to do damage control on the sofa and Asa takes off to do damage control on the MJ.
We were already in deep shit for the blood stains from this hooker that Sammy stabbed earlier, dammit!
She sets her up on the couch with a blanket and a pillow and tries to make her some peppermint tea (excellent for nausea), but MJ suddenly leaps off the couch and starts pacing around talking about how she lost her purse and her phone and a lot of money. Reza and Asa both try and tell her that she didn’t have a purse when she came down for dinner, but drunky ain’t hearing none of that sober logic bullshit.
Rich people are so much better than us…
In an attempt to get MJ under control, Reza put her in the shower and turns the cold water on her. Reza bitches a little about all his friends being out having fun while he babysits MJ, but that was his own choice. Asa tried to handle that shit so he could have fun, but he chose to be a good friend and come make sure she was okay. It was nice of him, but it was his decision. He throws her in a bathtub and leaves her there with the water running, which is officially the safest thing to do with a drunk person. Make sure they’re on their back in case they vomit too.
This solution feels a bit… final.
The next morning everyone is stumbling around in various states of hangover/sleep deprivation. GG has her man friend still there in the morning, but no one else got laid. Reza and Asa are joking around about MJ being a hot mess, and MJ is laughing and being good-natured. Reza tells Asa she’s a saint for taking such good care of MJ, and tells the camera that he has a whole new appreciation for what a good person Asa is. Either GG is seriously incapable of dealing with girls who aren’t her getting attention, or there was more of that crazy Bravo editing shit happening, because miss GG storms off from the breakfast table without so much as a word.
Did anyone else notice that Mancandy here has weak, womany hands?
It’s later in the day and GG is hanging out with Chris at the Cabana. She says she’s annoyed because everyone is being drunk and obnoxious but she’s not drinking. That’s clearly bullshit because no one at breakfast was drunk yet. Whatever though… Reza takes her and Asa in for some foot massages because he really wants the two of them to get along. Why anyone would want to subject a friend to something as heinous as “Getting along” with that cuntface GG is beyond me, but hey, it’s his birthday…
Reza tells them that they should talk through their problems, and they agree. Asa says they are both loud and have strong personalities, but that she reacts negatively when she feels like the other girls are talking shit about her fashion choices and stuff. GG agrees to wipe the slate clean and start over, so my theory is that this means that GG will find some other girl to take her rage out on.
My money is on the pretty one
Hey, let’s hit the pool! There’s shirtlessness and rough-housing, and Anita earns her first solid shot of derision from TheMiki for telling David (who is trying to pull her into the pool) that her swimsuit can’t get wet and it was $800. It’s a swimsuit! For $800 it sure as fuck had better be able to get wet.
Anita is messing around with David and GG starts talking shit about how bony her ass is. Anita has had enough and goes over to the cabana. MJ is there and Anita is telling her that she knew the girls were talking shit about her at dinner. For her part, MJ doesn’t deny it and just says she didn’t mean to fuel the shit talking, and agrees with Reza that anyone talking shit is just jealous of how good she looks. MJ is a terrible shit-talker, but since she owns up to it just enough to not argue, she seems to get away with it.
Welcome to life with girls who think the only thing they’re good for is being pretty. You take a GG, who has no discernible goals, skills, or personality, but who is used to being the prettiest girl in the room, and you put her in the same room with a girl who is both prettier and more likable and wait to see how long it takes before hair starts getting pulled. The “Prettiest” girl in these sorts of social packs will attack, without provocation, anyone she perceives as a threat to her title of Prettiest. If you don’t believe me, go stand in the corner and observe behaviors in the closest trendy nightclub. Bitches are terrible to each other.
How dare she show up places I am and… and… Talk to people!
While Anita is being pretty damn cool about the whole incident, GG decides it’s time to get up in her face and demand specifics while insisting she does NOT talk shit behind anyone’s back. Bitch, you know there are cameras following you, right? Do you remember talking shit directly to those cameras????
Or five minutes ago in the pool?
GG seems to think that she’s been a great friend to Anita and never talked shit about her. Really? Does she have pretty girl amnesia? I’ve seen that happen before too… Where they can’t remember any of the horrible shit they do even if they did it five minutes ago. GG does not want to let shit go, even when Anita tries to drop it, and keeps insisting that all she said was that she bought the exact same dress Anita was wearing, and she bought it five seasons ago. Anita asks her what brand the dress is then, if she owns it too, and GG says, “You think I look at brands when I shop?” Ha! Um… Yes. Everyone thinks you look at brands when you shop, hon. Cause you do.
How dare you be prettier than me??? Where’s that chubby girl I’m always nice to?
Ahh… GG rage. If it’s not being directed at Asa I guess it has to be directed somewhere. After a quick roundhouse kick to poor David, who is blowing a whistle and trying to break up the argument, GG takes off and says she hopes that bitch gets up in her face. Seriously folks, why do you have friends like this? I know these people are all sort of horrible, but take away the GG and the entire group average leaps up from “Horrible” to simply “Unlikable.”
Tolerable, party of 7?
Everyone is getting ready to go to dinner and GG texts Reza to tell him she will come down to dinner when she feels like it, but she won’t be meeting up ahead of time. Everyone sits down, and Mike and Anita both express that they don’t want to sit next to GG. When GG does make it down there’s a very obvious thing happening where everyone is talking to each other and avoiding making eye-contact with GG. To add insult to injury, Asa starts a conversation about how hot Anita looked in her bathing suit and everyone agrees while silently refusing to pay attention to the attention whore that just sat down.
Mike chooses a different attention whore to lock onto
MJ, for all her shit talking and gossip, does express concern over the way they’re all alientating GG, and she tries to talk to her, but GG gets up and walks away. GG fucking deserved at least a single meal of the silent treatment after how horrible she was to pretty much everyone with ovaries over the weekend, but MJ thinks the group is being colder than necessary. And with that we draw to a close on another week of Vapid Persians Gone Wild.
What’d you think, kids? Is GG for real? I know it’s a highly edited TV show, but I’ve known useless pretty girls who were just as unhinged as the camera portrays GG to be. When your entire sense of self worth is based on everyone making a big deal out of how pretty you are, it’s hard to deal with things that involve attention being paid to something that isn’t you. Are you guys liking any of these sad excuses for human beings? I think Asa seems like the closest thing to an actual human thus far, and I’m feeling Anita just because she’s a pretty girl with enough self-confidence to not blindly tear down every other pretty girl in clawing range.
The puppies have decided they want to start making weekly appearances again….
They aren’t huge fans of the show…
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