Welcome to another installment of Shark Tank! Kirsten is a stay at home Mom who makes Toyboxes for cash. Apparently Kirsten likes to wear wife beaters and look all sexy while working a drill. I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that a camera is in front of her. OOooh. Watch as she wipes that sweat from her brow!
Kirsten enters the shark tank wearing a sexy dress. Her accessory? Why, a tool belt, of course!
Kirsten needs $90,000.00 for 20% equity. She hand crafts these toyboxes with puzzle piece tops. They kinda look IKEA to me, but I use my drill for a door stopper, so who am I to judge?
Shark Robert wants to know if she’s building the boxes in that dress she’s wearing? Creepy Shark O’Leary smiles at the thought. I can’t help but wonder what some of these Shark Wives think when they watch their husbands on this show.
Kirsten’s toyboxes sell for $475.00 each! Damn! I need to get me to a Home Depot ASAP! Each box takes ten hours to make. Shark Barbra asks how hubby feels about Kirsten spending so much alone time with her drill. (Sexual metaphors abound in this segment.) Kirsten gets misty eyed when she reports that her hubby has been laid off – that’s why she’s been cheating on him with a drill – they need money!
Apparently Barbra doesn’t understand what “laid off” means. I guess the economy hasn’t affected these Sharks?
Barbra Wonders: "Unemployment" in America? Who are we? Mexico?
Robert loves Kirsten. But before he makes an offer he wants to know how the boxes are gonna get built? Kirsten says she has lots of Amish friends in Ohio. Who doesn’t?
Barbra thinks it’s a risk – too much money. She’s not gonna bid. Shark Fubu is “petrified of the furniture business”. Apparently he has nightmares about IKEA too. He’s out. Shark Harrington is outtie as well.
Shark O’Leary is “captivated” by Kirsten’s “story”. Barbra says he just likes Kirsten because she’s pretty. Barbra must be right because O’Leary gets real pissed and tells her to shut up. The Shark Tank is just like grade school. O’Leary will give Kirsten the 90K for 33%, plus a royalty until he makes his money back. Don’t say yes yet, Kirsten! First of all, I’m afraid that O’Leary might try to molest you. Secondly, Robert wants to offer up some shark love too!
"All the better to eat you with, my dear!"
Robert will give Kirsten 90K for 33%. Then he makes some business points about small businesses being businesses with business terms and business, business, business. O’Leary and Robert duke it out for the Kirsten’s affection.
O’Leary tells Kirsten, “In life there’s definitive moments, you only get a few of them. This is yours right now. What are you going to do?” (Might be a new mantra for myself when I’m trying to decide which reality show to cover for tvgasm next season.)
Kirsten thanks both men. But she wants to go to business bed with Robert. She says she’ll teach him how to use a jigsaw.
Update on a lady who partnered with Robert last season. She makes meat charms. Seriously. They identify your meat “before, during and after grilling”. She flies to Canada to sell some charms. A meat store owner buys her charms. Successful shark story!
Good job, producers of Shark Tank! You’ve managed to innuendo the shit out of my television screen for the first eleven minutes of the show!
Next into the shark tank is Stacy Irwin. Stacy’s a dude. A really large dude. With a shirt that says, “Beast”. He’s looking for 140K for 15% equity of business. When describing his product, Beast says: “1. This is the solution to obesity in children. 2. It solves lower back pains, bad knees and tightens your abs. 3. It tones, shapes and firms hips, butt, thighs in women.” Why just women?
Beast’s product is called “Fitness Stride”! Looks like a Pilates band to me, but I’m no Beast.
Beast hands each shark a band and they play for a bit. He tells Barbra he has “something special for her”. Barbra makes sexy eyebrow wiggles and tells him she’d like to hear about it. I play a quick game with myself: try to sing the Star Spangled Banner instead of thinking about Barbra and Beast having sex. But then she does the eye wiggle again and baseball is ruined forever.
OHHH SAY CAN YOU SEEEEEEEE?
Beast says you can use Fitness Stride without ever even having to move. So there you go, America. Our wish has come true – they’ve found a way to make us healthy without ever having to move our fat asses off the couch.
O’Leary wants numbers. How much to produce, etc. Fitness Stride is in Footlocker AND Lady Footlocker. Beast grossed 150K on them last year. Fubu asks him – “So you value your company at 900K dollars?” Beast makes crazy Beast face. Beast says no way – he didn’t ever say that number. Fubu reminds him how much he’s asking for – 140K for 15% of company. “That’s Math.” Beast is like, yeah, yeah – whatever you say Rich Dude.
Beast Don't Count So Good
Beast thinks he can make millions on this product if he can do infomercials. Shark Harrington, the King of Infomercials, wants before and after pictures of people who have used his product. Beast doesn’t have any. Couldn’t he steal some? I mean, don’t all infomercials uses the same before and after pics anyways?
O’Leary is out. Robert is out. Harrington is a no-no because of the no-no testimonials. Fubu thinks the company is valued too high. He’s out. Barbra likes Beast’s tush, but not the product. She’s outters. O’Leary kicks poor Beast out of the tank.
The Johnson Family enters the tank. Three kids and two parents. They’re a Sears Portrait Photographer’s dream.
The Johnson’s have made bracelets. The kids created the idea one day when their parents were trying to ignore them. They’re like silly bands with collectible coins as charms. The coins detach and the kids can trade them with other kids. The kids register the coins online and as the coins travel the world from trade to trade, the kids can track the coins history. It’s like being a pen pal for this new generation that has never written a letter.
The youngest Johnson is Jake – he’s 11 and I want to eat his cute little face off.
The kids have already been selling their product. The sharks want to know how much has already been invested in the product. Jake reminds the sharks that they’re just kids, they don’t have money (knee slap, chuckle, chuckle). However, their parents have invested $250,000.00.
More shit for kids to spend their parents money on.
The sharks think the parents are crazy for having spent this much money on childs play! They stop smirking, however, once Mom tells the sharks that they have a patent on “tracking and trading”. They can put a code on anything for the purposes of tracking and trading and they are the only ones in the world who can do it! Sharks start to swarm. Robert wants clarity, “you have a patent to track and trade anything for kids?” Nope. ANYTHING for ANYONE. Mama Johnson says this includes baseball cards. I get nauseous as Barbra/Beast sex images cross my mind again.
Barbra’s out. Harrington tells Jake he reminds him of himself as a wee lad, but he’s out too. Fubu will invest $100K for 33%. O’Leary wants a piece of this. He and Robert partner together for the same amount. Fubu now only wants 25%. O’Leary asks the Johnson’s to leave the tank so the sharks can talk.
The Johnson’s finally go back to the tank. The sharks tell them about the new partnership that was decided when they left – Fubu, Robert and O’Leary are all making same offer – $100,000.00 for 33%. The Johnson’s want more money. The sharks no likey that.
Could a shark really say no to this face?
Robert’s bummed out by the kiddies being ruthless. Robert doesn’t want to negotiate anymore. Fubu is stepping out. O’Leary rubs their sweet little faces in it. O’Leary asks them to take the offer – they’re not giving anymore money. The kids smile big and say they will take it! Cheers in the tank!
Next up: James Mitchell. James has a product that eliminates odors. It’s the only safe and natural product on the market. He makes Barbra smell a tissue that stinks like urine, then sprays his magical bottle and, voila!, no more pee pee! Next he sprays it in his mouth because his breath smells like…urine? No, that’s not it. It’s plant based and non-toxic. The product, that is…I’m not sure about his breath.
Preparing to kiss the sharks asses.
The sharks are excited. They want to know if the formula is patented? Nope. James says he doesn’t want his super secretive formula to be leaked out into the world so the big bad corporations can pick it apart and use the elements for themselves.
James tells the sharks his product has made 3.2 million dollars. Robert thinks he meant last year. O’Leary clears up the confusion – 3.2 million since inception. Robert isn’t impressed.
James let’s the sharks know that his product was doing well. It was in Walgreens. People were buying it. Then he got pushed out by the big competitor guys in the market. O’Leary tells him he was crushed like the “cockroach you are”. Ouch.
Things get worse for James from here on out…
He only own 57% of the company. He hired a CEO that drove the business into bad times. Plus he isn’t being clear in his answers to the sharks. They’re starting to show their teeth.
Barbra is freaked out by him. She’s outta there. Harrington hates him. He’s out too. Fubu thinks he’s ignorant, but wants 50% for $150K. O’Leary will buy the whole company for $150K. He’s going to give him a 7% royalty of whatever he makes off the product for the rest of James life. And he’s gonna fire his ass. O’Leary smiles. James is shocked. “Is there nothing of value in the star power I have?”, James asks. Robert tells him he has no star power AND he’s an awful salesman. Robert fucking hates this guy. He’d be willing to put out an offer if James would be willing to walk away from the company.
"I am not an idiot even though I make faces like one."
Besides the fact that he called him a cockroach, O’Leary wants James to know it’s not personal. James keeps trying to talk, the sharks keep telling him to shut up and decide. James has to step out of the room to call his wife.
James is crying on the phone to his wife. Meanwhile, the sharks discuss different options to ruin James professional career.
Big Boys Cry Too
When James comes back into the tank sniffling, Fubu announces there has been a change in the offer – he’s decided to partner with O’Leary: 150K for the entire company with a royalty of 7% for James for the rest of his life. Oh, and they’ll still be firing his ass.
O’Leary wants to know if he’s in or out. James doesn’t understand. “So there’s no other opportunities?” Nope. James can’t accept the offer. Robert says he’ll add 75 grand to the offer if Fubu and O’Leary will let him in. James says hell noooo! and stomps out of the room like a petulant child.
Shark Fubu Waves Bye-Bye to James
End of Episode 2.