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***Please welcome our newest recapper to the fold: Mrs. Kevin Arnold with Shark Tank!
Meet the Sharks:
Barbra Corcoran – A.K.A. “Momma”. Barbra’s a real estate investor. Barbra doesn’t bid or talk much. I talk more watching the show by myself on my couch than Barbra does on the tv. But Barbra wins because she’s a millionaire and I am not.
Mark Cuban – A.K.A. “Cuban Cigar”. Owner of some sports teams. I don’t know which. Google it. Cuban Cigar, along with Kevin, seem to have the most fun gambling on the show. I picture him as the kind of guy who hangs out at the race tracks, chomping on a cigar, squealing in delight as others lose.
Robert Herjavec – A.K.A. “Bobby”. Bobby has made millions buying and selling internet companies. He has the most professional attitude of the sharks, which makes him the least interesting.
Daymond John – A.K.A. “FUBU”. I nicknamed him that because I, like Daymond, am very sensible. Daymond is the CEO of FUBU clothing company. FUBU is my favorite kind of shark: the handsome kind.
Kevin O’Leary – A.K.A. “Not Donald Trump” or “NDT”. Kevin is a billionaire who started a software company in his basement. He’s also kind of an asshole. But he bids a lot and keeps it interesting, so he’s good to have around. Warning: keep the mute button handy when Kevin starts one of his speeches.
Here Sharky, Sharky
Niki Pope has a money saving idea to help parents entertain their kids: “ToyGaRoo”. She has no kids. She needs money so her husband (and business partner) have more stability to start a family of their own.
Early on, we are introduced to Niki sitting on the floor while kids run around past her in fast motion. If you subbed the kids for cars in the city, this could be an independent film.
New Indie Drama “Shark Tank”
Niki enters the shark tank. She’s full of smiles (for now!). She wants $100,000 in exchange for 10% of company. She says that, “ToyGaRoo faces a problem that millions of families face every day”… (Poverty? Hunger? ADD?)
Niki has 11 brothers and sisters with 13 neices and nephews under the age of 8. I need Tylenol. Niki says the problem is that kids get sick of toys too quickly, so their parents are wasting a lot of time and space buying them new toys over and over again. Niki’s solution? Replace toys with…more toys. Toys that you can send back and get new toys for when your kids are sick of them. Just like Netflix, she says. Sounds like a great way to spread the flu to me. FUBU voices his concern over drool and bed bugs. Good thinking, Handsome. Cuban Cigar goes one step too far and talks about “peepee and poopoo”. Niki says not to worry – all her toys are sanitzed.
Price for ToyGaRoo? Plans start at $35.00 a month and go up from there. Sharks think that sounds expensive. Clearly these sharks don’t understand how much parents will pay to keep their kids out of their hair. Niki says the average family spends between $1200-$1400 bucks a year on toys. Shit. Whatever happened to using your imagination for free?
Bobby and Not Donald Trump tag team her with questions. A blush creeps up Niki’s ample bosom when NDT yells he’s “heard enough!” He wants to invest. He totes loves her. ..until she brings up her husband.
Niki only owns 10% of the company. Her husband owns 50% because…he’s a man? Niki doesn’t have a reasonable explanation for this. Momma gets all feminist and Niki still doesn’t know why her husband has controlling interest in the company.
FUBU is out. Not Donald Trump is still totally in to hookin’ up with the married lady. Niki says she had her eye on him when she walked in the room. NDT feels the same way. He’s drooling all over her toys. Thirty more seconds of flirting and I’m going to vomit on my toys.
But before the love fest can continue, Bobby and FUBU decide to partner together to get in on this sweet deal. The offer is $200,00 for 40% of the company ($100,00 dollars and 5% more than Robert’s offer).
Not Donald Trump tries to woo Niki back by telling her he IS Mr. Toy. No he’s not! Richard Pryor is! I’m gonna go take a break and watch the part of that movie where Richard Pryor accidently knocks over Jackie Gleason’s domino castle.
The Real Mr. Toy
Remember Jackie Gleason, you guys? Methinks he’d have made an excellent shark…
But I digress. Back to Niki. She’s flustered. Bosom is still blushing. She has to decide which boy-toy she likes best.
Not Donald Trump speaks toy best when he matches the offer and steals Cuban Cigar from Robert as a partner. Niki likes to party, so she’s in. A deal has been made!
FUBU laughs like a little boy and teases Bobby. Now Bobby’s blushing. It’s like a Jane Austen novel without any corsets.
Past Season Check-in:
Jeff Cohen was on last season with his granola gourmet bars. Not Donald Trump was mean to him and called him “radioactive”. Relax, audience. This happened six months before the earthquake in Japan and 24 years after Chernobyl, so NDT isn’t totally insensitive. Just mostly. Jeff says it helped his business, not hurt it. NDT takes all the credit. He’s not only Mr. Toy, he says he’s also “Mr. Wonderful”. Nope! That’s Matt Dillon!
I’ve Actually Never Seen This Film
Matty Sallin, from San Francisco has invented a new kind of alarm clock. Also, he digs rabbits (not sure if this is related to product or not, but what a cute lil bunny!).
Sharks Eat Rabbits for Breakfast
Rabbits are not included in this product, but pigs are. His product is called, “Wakin’ Bacon”. He wants $40,000 for 20% of equity.
Matty polled some peeps to find out their ideal way to wake up. Number one was sex. Matty didn’t want to bottle the smell of sweat and cigarettes, so he went with number two: bacon.
The box is shaped like a pig. You put bacon in it. You set the time on the alarm. It cooks the bacon for when you want to get up. You wake up to the smell and breakfast is made.
Piggy’s Got a Woody
Yep. It’s weird.
They talk numbers for a while. Cuban Cigar’s worried about it burning people alive while they sleep.
Matty doesn’t seem like much of a business man. Not Donald Trump will give him $100 bucks for the pig box. Matty’s not gonna sell it.
Momma’s out. Bobby’s out. FUBU likes bacon. But he’s out too. Cuban Cigar is out. But not before calling it a stupid idea and great gag gift for Dad. Not Donald Trump will give Matty $200 bucks for the pig box. Matty ain’t budgin’. He walks out of the shark tank with no bites.
Brian Spencer enters the shark tank surrounded by Cirque du Soleil. Or maybe just two dudes doing flips on pogo sticks.
He wants $500,00 for 20% of the company of these newly improved pogo sticks.
There’s a lot of talk about product and numbers and stuff that I’m not totally following. Boiled down: Brian is “cool and hip” and thinks his pogo sticks are the new skateboard. The sharks seem to think he should stay small and “cool and hip” as opposed to trying to mass market. Are you bored yet? Me too.
Momma’s out. She’s afraid some kid is gonna get killed. Cuban Cigar is out. Not Donald Trump is out. FUBU is out. Bobby tells Brian how cool and hip he is before telling him he’s also out. Brian is so cool that the rejection rolls right off his shoulders and he pogo’s his way out of the tank.
Joe Moore enters the shark tank. He’s the President and CEO of First Defense something, something something. He’s wants $500,00 for 10% of the company. He has some pictures of noses with stickers over the nostrils.
This Pictures Was Taken in 1972 When Men Still Had Mustaches
These are called, “nasal screens”. They reduce up to 99% of bad stuff in the air from entering your body. Momma has surprised face.
One of Momma’s Two Expressions
Cuban Cigar wants to know if Joe is pulling his leg. FUBU wants to know how many he’s sold. “1.7 million”. Cuban Cigar and Bobby’s turn for surprised faces.
Joe has a contract in his hands that says a private company is buying 8 million dollars worth of his product. The sharks start to swarm.
The sharks get the product in hand and start fingering their noses. The sharks seem to be super comfortable traversing their nasal cavities. But I can’t imagine that a millionaire would ever have a reason to stick anything up his or her nose, can you?
Gimme Some of that Nose Candy!
Momma’s out. She’s always out. Momma bores me. Why is she there if she’s never gonna bid? Not Donald Trump is in. And he’s being greedy, per usual. Cuban Cigar wants to partner with him on the deal, NDT accepts. FUBU gives an even better offer. NDT offers a million for the whole company. Joe inhales and his little nasal screens flicker, but he turns it down. Then he takes his shirt off.
I’ll Show You Mine If You Watch
Joe’s a cancer survivor. He believes in his product. He’s not selling it.
FUBU offers a million for 30%. Bobby will give 2 million for the whole company. Joe can’t do 2 million for the whole company, Robert goes to 4. Um. That’s a lot of nose candy.
Joe wants 5 million. Bobby’s out. Joe is asked to leave the tank so the sharks can discuss.
They talk numbers, I drink a beer.
Joe comes back. Not Donald Trump says FUBU and Cuban Cigar are now all three together. They’re raising to $750,000 at 30% of the company.
He takes the deal. The sharks shake Joe’s hand. Joe swims away and the sharks congratulate themselves on being awesome.
End of Episode 2.2.