Salon Takeover With Tabatha: Heaven Is A Place In Burbank?

Have you ever met someone who so completely and utterly and pointlessly pushes every single irritation, aggravation and frustration button that you have ever been wired with, mostly all at the same time, and they are amazingly able to accomplish this just by opening their mouth?…

…this is him…

You’re all in for a real treat, because on tonight’s episode of Salon Takeover With Tabatha we are introduced to quite possibly the most annoying thick-headedly obstinate queen you will ever see on your TV screen (with the possible exception of Senator Larry Craig) and find out that Belinda Carlisle was totally correct… heaven is a place on Earth… specifically, Burbank, California. Before the hour is through, you’ll be wishing you had a chainsaw like in the last episode. Fireworks and screaming follow after the jump!We are first introduced to Michael Villalobos (but I’m dubbing him Vile Mikey), owner of De Cielo Salon & Spa in beautiful sunny Burbank, California. “De Cielo” is Spanish for “of the sky”… in this case, it would be more accurate if it translated to “silly queen with her head in the clouds”. TabathaVoiceâ„¢ advises us that his business is “a train running off the rails”…

…”Wow, all the blinking lights on this phone-thingy are pretty! I wish it would stop making all that noise, though…”…

Vile Mikey interviews “Before coming here I had very little experience in terms of dealing with stylists and cutting hair…” and he pauses before amending, “Zero.” Wow, it’s hard to see how this could possibly go wrong, so let’s dig a little deeper. He continues, “Financially, I’m teeter-tottering on the verge of bankruptcy… we’re a sinking ship!”, and then he breaks my heart as he confesses, “I had to get rid of my Infiniti Q45 and now I drive a 1993 Honda Accord!” *gasp* My GOD in heaven! *clutches pearls* How ever do you make it through the day, sweet Michael? Just from looking at you I can tell that you are the kind of man who should be borne on a litter lined in soft pillows and strewn with rose petals, carried about by men with the bodies of earthbound gods… your delicate and precious feet should never have to touch the ground that mere mortals have trod upon…

…”Ohmigod! You totally read my mind!”…

One of Vile Mikey’s male stylists (Eric) says “Michael doesn’t know at all how to run a hair-salon!” (gay eye-roll) How dare he say that! Vile Mikey counters with “The staff are all basically crybabies and I’m up to here (indicates hallowed forehead) with it!”

Well, let’s just see what they’re ‘crybabying’ about, hmm? One of his other male stylists (Victor) says “He said that he cannot afford a receptionist… we lose the clients!” See, at De Cielo Salon & Spa, the stylists all have to answer the phone… while they’re working on clients… with sharp objects and chemical solutions that require two-handed manipulation, and possibly a little concentration to keep from slicing someone’s ear off or frying the hair right out of their scalp. Hell, at least your average Great Clips has a phone-girl! What else? “He waters down the shampoo bottles because he wants to save money!” says a cute young female stylist. WTF?!? Does that even have any financial impact at all? What else? Stylist Eric says “Every time we ask Michael for something that we need, the answer is always ‘No’ just because there isn’t any money… and I know I’m bringing it in, but I don’t know where it’s going…” Well, what have you got to say to that, Vile Mikey?

He asserts “The staff complains about everything! They want everything clean, they always want clean towels… you know, just… it never ends!” ¡Ai, Mikey pobrecito! “I’m hoping that Tabatha can really get me clear on eliminating a lot of these petty problems that seem to just be getting in the way, because I don’t see the income coming… I don’t want to feel like I’m chasing my own tail… if Tabatha can’t help us we’re out of here!” Okey-dokey Vile Mikey… you know what they say… “be careful what you wish for…”…

…”…because you’re about to get it with both barrells, bitch!”…

Walking up to De Cielo, our Lady T sees the Pepto-pink sidewalk sandwich board advertising for the salon and mutters “Yeah, that’s tacky!”… and then almost stops dead in her tracks when she sees the tacky-ass decorations in the windows of the salon itself and says disbelievingly, “What the fuck is that?!?”…

…kitsch gone krazy…

Yeah, those’d be great if it was, you know, a thrift store, but not a “high-end salon”… and they won’t stop Tabatha, as she’s striding through the front door to greet Vile Mikey. It is the last time they will be civil to each other for the rest of the show.

SALON UNDERCOVER

We are again expected to believe that true “surveillance cameras” have been installed at De Cielo so that Tabatha can see what really goes on at this fabulous place of business. Vile Mikey describes the typical client experience thusly: “Well, at De Cielo we try and have a heavenly feeling, with relaxation, friendliness… having the best of the best!”

The first clip shows a client enjoying a heavenly feeling of having her hair washed (which really truthfully is one of my favorite parts of going to a salon)… and about a foot from her head are bottles of… let’s see… are those aromatherapy vials?… potpourri oils?… what does that bottle say?…

…well, when they say “bleached blonde”…

Tabatha is horrified that they have cleaning products right there with a client in the sink. Vile Mikey says “I don’t know why that’s there…” Tabatha also wants to know why the stylist has gloves on while she’s washing the client’s hair. I would guess cootiephobia, or maybe because they’re using some kind of Uranium-235-based shampoo. Vile Mikey can’t answer why she’s acting as though the client’s hair is icky to the touch. Maybe De Cielo ran a “We’ll Eradicate Your Lice Problem” promotion and she’s still scarred from the experience. I dunno.

Lady T wants to know exactly how many clients come through the doors of De Cielo to have the “heavenly experience” he described. Vile Mikey really doesn’t know! Wow, talk about your hands-off business owner! Ms. Coffey flat-out asks him if he had any hairdressing experience at all before he signed on to own this salon. Vile Mikey’s answer? “Just using products when I get ready to go out… that’s it!” Oh wow. Wow. Wooooooowie. T-girl is just as dumbfounded as I am and says “Why the hell did you buy a hairdressing salon?!?!” Vile Mikey’s response to that is “Why not? When you’re in real estate and you’re not making money, you look around you see if you can get involved in a cash business…” Riiiiight. Cuz it would be stupid to get involved in a cash business that you might actually know something about, right? He goes on to say he’s losing about $2000.00 a month… I’m shocked that that’s all he’s losing! When Tabatha asks him how he’s paying the bills, he says he actually had to borrow $1800.00 to keep things going and estimates that he owes about $50,000.00!

Back in the heavenly sphere of De Cielo, Stylist Victor just accidentally spilled coffee all over the appointment book…

…maybe the book can use the shot of caffiene, things look pretty sleepy at De Cielo…

The stylists are laughing over this, and as they clean it up one girl says “Michael’s gonna kill us…. well, not really.” Lady T is quick to point this lack of respect out to Vile Mikey, and he says “They’re not fearful of me. They don’t fear me, and they don’t fear losing their job!” Yes, because that would be the perfect working situation, right? That’s what motivates and engenders loyalty and positive growth is Ruling By Fear. What an assmunch Vile Mikey is.

Tabatha analyzes it this way: “The thing they may understand is how to do hair, and that’s something that you don’t know… and that’s a huge disadvantage.” Vile Mikey bristles at this and the first tendrils of Queen Michaela start making their way into his head bobbing as he says, “Well, I may not know that, but I’m already doing, um, free consultation…” Lady T is righteously horrified, “You have to be kidding me, don’t you?” but Queen Michaela insists he isn’t.

Back behind the pearly gates of De Cielo, we see Sharon, the pedicurist emptying a bowl of nastyfeet water from the pedicure bowl into the hairdressing sink! OMG, can you imagine how many of their clients probably have athlete’s scalp now? *shudder* Tabatha interviews that it’s obvious that De Cielo has problems with customer service, respect and cleanliness… and she’s seen enough, and demands Vile Mikey’s keys to the salon…

…”Just looking at your dirty little salon is making me break out in hives…”…

THE TAKEOVER

Marching back into De Cielo, Tabatha calls all of the staff ’round and announces her hostile takeover (Stylist Victor interviews “Holy shit! She’s really here!”) and lets them all in on the secret that she and Vile Mikey have been watching them all day with the aid of an apparently invisible camera crew (cue everybody’s jaw dropping like they’re surprised). Lady T advises them she’s cancelled all their appointments for the week, and that she’s going to make major changes, again threatening that some of them may not have a job at the end of the week.

This makes me wonder why she says that, because so far it hasn’t happened, but then again, we’re only on the second episode… I’ll be curious to see when somebody really does lose their job how that goes down… hope none of these salons are located next door to a gun shop…

Anyhow, Lady T promises to help them all get the salon back on track and dismisses them to go back to work… everybody kinda skitters back to what they were doing before, all the while giving furtive backward glances at the scary blonde lady who has ascended into their midst…

THE INSPECTION

So Vile Mikey is giving Tabatha the Grand Tour Of Heaven… the first thing she notices is a giant vase of dead flowers spilling rotting blossoms (and probably spiders) onto the front desk. She asks Vile Mikey if he’s in the habit of keeping dead flowers around and asks him to go throw them out. Queen Michaela makes another brief appearance behind Vile Mikey’s eyes at being asked to do manual labor…

…T-girl, do you really want to have him standing near you with a heavy vase in hand?…

…but instead he shuts it and says “Okay, very good, I’ll do that…” Let’s see what else is dead and rotting in De Cielo! Well, it looks like Tabatha was able to yank a Beyoncé’s-worth of hair out of the sink… so much so that the drain-strainer came up with it. Vile Mikey says “See, that’s a problem, they think it’s part of the cleaning crew’s job and…” Lady T cuts him off with “This. Is more. Than a problem. This is un-fucking-hygienic, let me tell ya!” She’s waving the hair-clot back and forth like a hypnotist’s charm the entire time… I think I just threw up in my mouth a little… and on the carpet a lot. Excuse me a moment…

…”Yooooouuuuu arrrre gettiiiiiing verrrrrry nauuuuuuseouuuussssss”…

Privately, Tabatha interviews “Michael needs a reality check. It is one of the the filthiest salons I’ve ever seen!” Tell me, girl, you preachin’ to the choir! *snap* *snap* *snap*

Ohhhh, lordy, it’s time for one of my absolute favorite parts of this episode as we prepare to meet a man even more odious than Vile Mikey (I know you’re thinking “Is it possible?” and I’m telling you, just… wait… till… you… hear… this….)

We are treated to a shot of a sour-faced man identified as Steven, whose title is given as “Assistant Manager/Esthetician”. He is on the phone with someone, with Tabatha standing right around the corner, clearly within earshot. He says to whoever is on the phone, “The owner of the shop is my Ex…” OMG, he and Vile Mikey used to date?!??!?! Well that must have been a pretty hellish home life… no wonder he has a sour face… but check this out, as he continues, “but, I’m not liking him very much right now… did you ever hear of the show called ‘Shear Genius’??? You know there’s this really bitchy blonde named Tabatha, and everything is happening in front of the cameras! Can you imagine?!?!”

…”What do you mean, ‘Do I also think she’s deaf?’”…

Lady T is incredulous as she interviews “I overheard Steven, the assistant manager, gossiping about me… and I’m standing in the salon!” Her tone turns deadly, “But I’ll deal with Steven later…” because right now we are treated to what Tabatha says “has to be the most ghetto, unprofessional thing I have seen in 26 years!” What is she talking about?…

…a styling chair up on blocks instead of an old Caddy or Pontiac…

Jesus, that is pretty ghetto (and funny to hear the word “ghetto” said with an Australian accent by Tabatha)… and not in a fabulous way, either. Vile Mikey agrees with her but says “Well, I can’t afford it! I mean, what do you want me to do?” T-girl swoops down and picks up one of the cinderblocks and holds it up in front of him, “These. Are. Concrete. Bricks. I’ve never seen anything so unprofessional in all my life! You’re talking about a ‘heavenly experience’?!?!?”

Queen Michaela foolishly takes control and back-sasses by spitting “Well, it is raised!” Ha ha ha, Vile Mikey… raised… closer to heaven… we get it…. wrong time for levity, honey! But Queeny isn’t through as she interviews “Having my salon critiqued was kind of intrusive, like, uh, somebody’s, you know, taking your clothes off and checking you out… I mean, it’s kind of nasty!” Yeah, I think the only thing nasty here is you imagining that anyone is attempting to take your clothes off and check you out, Vile Mikey… besides, didn’t you just agree with her on all of this stuff? Why is it suddenly “intrusive”? Ah, J-Mo, you obviously forgot that you can’t have a cohesive conversation with Cleopatra, Queen Of Denial here…

…the only thing I’m checking out is those over-sculpted eyebrows of yours, Mikey…

…and speaking of nasty, there’s a sink full of dirty plastic bowls that have caked-on coloring in them slowly hardening as three of the stylists sit nearby and nibble their lunch salads. Tabatha also notices a huge waste of hair coloring as a lot of the bowls are totally full. Now this is a waste of money…

…I think this Thousand Island dressing has gone bad…

She turns around and asks if someone could please do the dishes. To his credit, Stylist Eric agrees to immediately, and looks rightfully embarrassed. Mona (another stylist) agrees that that stuff was really gross, but says that the dust problem around the salon is even worse…

Lady T is now inspecting the hair-dryers, and notices that there is quite a considerable snowfall of dust on top of each of them. “I’m assuming that clients sit under here, do they?” as she causes an avalanche to cascade off the side of one of them, “Look at that.” and she holds up her hand to show him several pounds of hair molecules, dead skin cells and probably spider eggs… How does Vile Mikey react to this? By letting Queen Michaela try some more of her ill-advised flippancy… “Well I think it adds kind of a texture to it, it’s part of the decor…”

…sorry, this is not decor you’d find in heaven, Vile Mikey…

T-girl is even less amused as she snaps, “Don’t try and sell it to me!” She’s also found hair-coloring caked onto someone’s coffee cup, and in digging through the backlog of dirty towels stuffed under a cabinet she says “Are these all from today? I don’t think so, because these are moldy!” and she pulls out a towel streaked absolutely green with the stuff… Of course, Queen Michaela piggishly asserts “They’re all from today.” Tabatha holds the greenish towel up further into the light and insists “This… is mold!” Looking right at it, Queen Michaela insists “No, that’s from today.” This sends Tabatha over the edge and she walks away seething “I never have met a man with so many excuses…”

…in VileMikeyWorldâ„¢ this is what a clean towel looks like…

Vile Mikey is incredulous, “She says that I keep making excuses… I don’t see that, I mean, I don’t open my mouth every time she comes up with something…” Mmmmyeah, except you do, Viley… Lady T demands to know “Are you ever here?” Vile Mikey can’t seem to formulate an answer so she turns her attention to SourPuss Steven, who says in a halting voice “P- -robably a m- -inimum of, ummm, th- -ree to four days a w- -eek for, um, one to… two and a half, three hours…”

…why you should never work with a bitter Ex-boyfriend… they will lay in wait and cut a bitch…

Tabatha can’t believe that Vile Mikey is never there, somehow seeming to think the salon is going to run itself and he can just come by to collect the profits and zoom off in his ’93 Accord LXi. Trying to wipe some of the accumulated De Cielo crud from her hands, she asserts, “It is not heavenly in here…” She notices Queen Michaela smirking at her, “…and you seem to think it’s quite amusing and funny! I would be embarrassed to have a client come in here! Mortified! Yet, you have an excuse for everything! And everyone’s looking at me like it’s the funniest thing they’ve ever seen!” Well, she’s sorta right, the employees are gathered around and seem to be laughing about this, but I don’t think it’s because they think it’s really funny, I think they’re just glad that someone is trying to break through Vile Mikey’s Barrier Of Delusions…

…this beat-down has been a long time in coming, they’re not going to miss enjoying a single second of it…

T-girl continues, “It’s funny to me, because it’s so bad I can’t even believe it…” Queen Michaela cuts her off with “Well I hire a cleaning guy, I mean, I got a cleaning guy, so what am I supposed to do?” He continues, “And you guys all work there, you can see that every day, you can tell me it’s dirty…” Tabatha has laid her head down on a nearby table and is thumping it while saying “Ohhhh myyyyyy GAWWWWD!” This salon is revolting and Lady T wonders how they keep any clients at all…

Lady T sternly tells Vile Mikey and the entire staff that they are going to have a staff meeting the following day at 9am sharp, and Eric pipes up that Vile Mikey has problems showing up for meetings on time (he’s usually at least 15 minutes late if not more, which is so annoying, I hate that shit when people pull that at my job) and Vile Mikey promises he will be there at 9am sharp. Tabatha points out “It is about him (indicates smirky Vile Mikey)… but it’s also a lot about you guys… because let’s face it, if he closes the door you guys are all out looking for other salons!” The staff all look like this never occurred to them… jeez, talk about airheads!

STAFF MEETING

The next day, everyone shows up on time… excect for Vile Mikey, of course (hell, even SourPuss Steven was there). This may have been fortuitous, because Tabatha now wants to know from the staff what’s going on at De Cielo,,, Stylist Victor says that when he first started working there that Vile Mikey promised they were going to do marketing, but apparently that’s been limited to: a). the sandwich board out front… and b). people driving by who notice there is a salon sitting there. Cute Stylist Valerie says it did actually go a little further than that at one point, because Vile Mikey went for Truly Vile when he wanted the girls to go stand on the corner and pass out brochures for the salon…. while wearing low-cut tops. Ugh, this is a rare kind of ‘mo, who has actually been able to objectify women the same way a lotta straight guys do…

Tabatha interviews that it’s obvious no one at De Cielo has any respect for Vile Mikey… and says that she can see why! Especially when he went up to Stylist Mona’s client and said “I thought you got your hair colored!”… and she had just done it. Embarrassing, and if that had been me, Vile Mikey would have found a hot curling iron sticking out of his butthole, post-haste. Mona thinks he’s full of shit, and the others all feel that it’s hard to take Vile Mikey seriously when he knows absolutely nothing about hairdressing. I find it hard to take someone seriously when they have a penchant for wearing ornately embroidered shirts like that…

However, Lady T also chastises them for their behavior, because she says while she knows there are obvious problems with Michael, there has to be responsible behavior on the part of the staff, too… and zeroes in and says “Steven?… can we agree on that?” Steven purses his lips and makes his bid for the Bigger Asshole Than Vile Mikey Award as he prissily says “Um, I can agree with it when the people that gossip and the people that lie aren’t here any more…”

…”and by ‘people’ I mean ‘everybody but me’”…

…the rest of the staff give Steven narrow-eyed “Oh no you DI-ENT!” looks as he continues “…that would work well for me.” Oh, Steven. Poor silly, petty, annoying, backstabbing, bitter, sour-faced Steven… you’re about to have your pastylumpy ass handed to you, as Tabatha (quick as a whip) says “Are you firing yourself?” Stevie tries to play it stupid (not a stretch for him) as he says “Now, how would I do that?” Lady T goes for the kill as she says “Because Steven… I heard you on the phone… and you called me a blonde bitch!” (We flash back to Steven gossiping on the phone and calling T-girl a “bitchy blonde”) Present-time Steven says “Really?” and Lady T counters with “Yes, you did.”…

Affecting an air of condescension, SourPuss Steven says “I think you probably misunderstanded the situation.” (and yes, although he speaks haughtily, SourPuss Steven apparently has not grasped the concept of “past tense” in the English language, or he would have known the word he was looking for was “understood”… but then again, he’s in the middle of getting his ass blown to pieces by a TabathaBombâ„¢, so I’ll shut up and we’ll watch the fun continue to unfold, ‘kay?) Tabatha disagrees, “No, I actually heard you…” Steven interrupts, “say ‘Tabatha is a blonde bitch.’??” and Tabatha smiles icily and gives a resounding “Yes!” OMG, if I could smack the shit out of Steven through my TV screen, I would so have a pair of reddened hands right now, because you just know that in his pissyass mind, he’s saying to himself “I didn’t call her a ‘blonde bitch’, I said she was a ‘bitchy blonde’, which is a totally different thing, so therefore if I didn’t call her a ‘blonde bitch’ then I haven’t said anything bad at all!” Yes, semantics are fun, but you’re still an asshole, Steven.

…”heh, well, you know, heh heh ‘blonde bitch’ is an insult, but ‘bitchy blonde’ is a compliment, heh heh, right?… right?”…

Lady T is incredulous as she interivews, “I can’t believe that Steven is lying to my face! I’ve had enough. Kindergarten time is done!” She lays down the law to the staff, “I want no more bitching. I want no more gossiping. I want professionalism. And I want teamwork. Okay? Steven? You can agree to those term?” A righteously chastened (and anally bleeding) Steven meekly says “Yes.”

Oh but the fun is just beginning, as Tabatha has gone ’round the corner and come back with a giant crapload of buckets, sponges, cleaning products, rubber gloves and protective raingear. She says they need to learn how to work together as a team, but “the first thing they need to do… is clean this bloody salon!” She hands out scrubby-brushes, gloves and protective masks to everyone and they get started… and yoiu know what? Even Tabatha is right there with them, in a rainslicker, cleaning stuff up, too.

You know who’s not there? Vile Mikey. Well, at least not until 10:12am when he comes traipsing through the door and douchily says “Hey, what’s going on?” like he can’t tell they’re all cleaning the shit up off the floor of his fucking salon. I guess Queen Michaela hasn’t gone away, because he says “Well, it looked clean before, it’s just you’re just looking in areas that are now underneath and all that…” Seriously, is this fuckwit for real? I get the feeling he’s just being contrary and ornery for the cameras, because he thinks it makes him look badass to sass back to Tabatha. Why he would think that is beyond me, because honestly it just makes him look stupider…

…don’t you dare raise your giant hairy parenthetical eyebrows at me, buddy…

Lady T chooses her battles wisely as she says it would have meant the world to his staff if he had actually deigned to be there for the meeting that he promised to be there for. Vile Mikey says “Yeah, I agree, I was a little late…” JESUS! This guy is unfuckingbelievable. Tabatha points out how disrespectful that was to both her and his staff, and Queen Michaela gets even pissier and says “I do the best that I can!”

T-girl ain’t having none of that bullshit, “No, you don’t! You just can’t take responsibility for the fact that a lot of the problems in here are yours, can you!” Queen Michaela is shaking her head, “I don’t agree that it’s my fault… completely.” Another deadly glare from Lady T. Instead of doing the world a favor and disemboweling this douche, she decides to hand him her sponge and scrubby brush instead, telling him he can start cleaning. Smiling fakely, Vile Mikey tries to act like he’s not totally and completely offended by this as he insists “I clean all the time anyhow!” Tabatha puts him to work cleaning up the back areas.

Of course, Vile Mikey wanders around not doing anything until Tabatha snags him, spritzes the floor and says “You can get down on your hands and knees and clean the bases of the chairs…” Queen Michaela laughs like she still thinks it’s funny and says “Okay! Good one!” Yeah, you’re winning your staff over more and more all the time here, Vile Mikey… Cute Stylist Valeria says that Michael isn’t listening to Tabatha at all, and is amazed that he wants help for the salon, but he’s refusing to get past step one… the cleaning step.

“It’s normal for them to get hair after, you know, a long day of work!” he says, referring to the apparently hairy chair bases. Lady T’s fire is up and she’s not letting him off the hook. Speaking as though to a five-year-old (with giant hairy eyebrows) she carefully points out, “Of course there’s going to be hair, but if it’s cleaned every day and maintained the salon will always be spotless when a client comes in!”

Still smirking, Vile Mikey again insists “Well, I would say that, you know, things got a little dirty after a long day of work, and I only hire the guy once a week to clean, so it’s not like, um…”

Here comes one of the best exchanges of the show… because fission has been reached, and Tabatha cuts Vile Mikey’s silly excuses off with “You are the most fucking annoying, aggravating, arrogant, delusional…”

…Vile Mikey… he doesn’t like it…

Queen Michaela interrupts with a lame “Excuse me? You look pretty annoying to me right now!” I’m surprised he didn’t throw in a “Yahtzee!” or two.

Continuing as though QM never even spoke, Lady T picks up with “…man that I think I have ever met!” I was clapping and hooting and doing that outdated “woof-woof-woof”-Arsenio-gesture at the TV (until I remembered that it’s no longer 1991). Ah, but Vile Mikey still thinks he can win this argument/trash-talking session, and his comeback is “I never met a woman (gay eye-roll) who uses the F-word as much as you.” T-girl says “Really!”…

…and on a side-note, I must applaud Tabatha’s exercising of restraint, because after only 15 minutes of Vile Mikey I was swearing at the TV, my kitties, my boyfriend, and possibly Jesus (sorry J.C.)… I think if she swore as much as she wanted to in this situation, she would never say anything but swear words….

…but Queen Michaela isn’t through yet, because he continues “…and dresses like Cruella DeVille!” and actually plucks at Tabatha’s (fabulous salt’n'pepa leopard-print) blouse!…

…his mouth might say “hate”, but his eyes say “love” (and possibly “envy”)…

Jesus, talk about lame-o-rama! Lady T interviews “I can’t believe that Michael told me I look like Cruella DeVille…please!” I agree T-girl, because it’s obvious Queen Michaela has no idea what Cruella even looks like, and he just comes off as stupider than before… What an asshat.

THE ASSESSMENT

Tabatha is going to take stock of the stylists’ skills, and she has arranged for more clients to come in with celebrity photos (they really should come in with a plastic surgeon in tow, the end-results would be so much more accurate). My GOD, do people really still want that Jennifer Aniston cut?!? Stylist Victor’s client apparently does. And another girl has Carmen Electra! Remember when she used to sing and rap? “Go-Go Dancer”? *sigh* I miss her being a Prince protegeé… and yet another client has Courteney Cox in her new gothic death-blackened hair. Wow, it’s a Friends-O-Rama kind of day at De Cielo! (How come no-one ever comes into a salon asking for a “Ross”? OH, right, because David Schwimmer is hideous, and no haircut can counteract that…)

The stylists are all busy working on their clients’ dream-hairstyles, giving advice, cutting, coloring, consulting, napping… wait, NAPPING?!? Yup, when Lady T notices that she can’t find Vile Mikey and goes looking for him, she finds him having a nap in the darkened facial room! What is he, four? “Is this a fucking joke?” Tabatha asks us? Nope, just extreme laziness. And stupidity. Don’t forget arrogant and disrespectful. OH, and unprofessional, too! Tabatha says it’s obvious Michael isn’t interested in the hairdressing business, nor his staff. I think that’s where the problem lies, because it seems to me Vile Mikey assumed that investing in this “cash business” was supposed to be so turnkey that he could just open the salon and watch the money roll in with little to no effort on his part. What a douche. And unfortunately quite common as well….

…Oh Tabatha, honey, for the love of GOD, let him sleep…

Even sadder than that, it seems as though the stylists at De Cielo are pretty damned good at what they do, Tabatha has very little in the way of negative critiquing for them, it looks like they were able to pull off most of the celebrity looks they were given, and T-girl even compliments come of them on their work! Vile Mikey’s argument that this bunch of “crybabies” are what’s really ruining his salon is losing more and more air all the time. “It’s obvious that the hairdressing skills is not the problem in this salon.” says Lady T, and dismisses all the staff after their long day of work… then she goes to her hotel and does a few shots of tequila as well as some Santería rituals to curse Queen Michaela further before passing out.

The next day, looking refreshed and reinvigorated Tabatha tells the gathered staff (plus Vile Mikey) that they’re going to do “role reversal”… oooh, does that mean that the stylists all get to go take naps in the back and make bitchy comments about everybody else’s clothing? No, they are all going to spend the day out and about meeting people and doing P.R. for the salon to try and get some clients interested in De Cielo’s services. Huh? Vile Mikey doesn’t do that! He stands around and bitches about his crappy Honda Accord and makes his staff look stupid and pisses off stone bitches like Tabatha! Role-reversal my ass! Oh well, I guess that’s how they want to paint it (i.e., these are the things Vile Mikey should be doing for the salon instead of leaving it up to drive-bys and a sandwich board).

Oh, and somebody looks like they’d rather be eating a box of staples than going out and promoting the salon… three guesses as to who that is…

…1.) Steve-O-Rama 2.) Stevina 3.) Her Royal Toothiness…

Wearing a large and genuine smile, Tabatha tells Vile Mikey that she has a big surprise for him, and that they’re going to start out by taking a trip… to the Vidal Sassoon Academy, which TabathaVoiceâ„¢ calls “the Harvard of hairdressing”, and it’s her hope that if he actually learns something about the business he owns, it might make him a better boss. I’m of the opinion that someone buying him out is the only way to really accomplish that feat, but we’ll go with Tabatha’s idea first… Vile Mikey actually seems excited by this tremendous opportunity as well!

Meanwhile, the staff is out on the streets of Burbank enjoying the fresh air and sunshine, talking with people, handing out flyers, doing on-the-spot hair consultations and trying to drum up business for De Cielo. Sharon (the nail technician) says that going out on the street and talking with people was actually a lot of fun. Well, fun for everybody except SourPuss Steven, who says “It was, uh, kind of gruelingly hot, I have to tell you… I sweat through my clothes!” Okay, ew. As he sends yet another couple of innocent passers-by screaming for the other side of the street to escape from his ghoulish grimace, he says “I never thought that marketing was easy… sometimes people don’t acknowledge you… I’m just done with the whole thing!” Well, maybe if you didn’t have a face like a cat’s ass then little children wouldn’t burst into tears every time you and your giant teeth approach them, Stevie-poo.

…not such a good advertisement for his facial (or really any beauty-related) services, is he?…

Ah well, enough about Ol’ Anal-Face… let’s check in with Vile Mikey and see what he’s up to at the VSA! He’s been introduced to Sally, Creative Director of Vidal Sassoon Academy, and Tabatha is telling her that one of Vile Mikey’s “marketing techniques” is to do random hair consultations with strangers on the street, and suggests that he perform one on Sally. Vile Mikey is up for the challenge as he says “Why not? You know what? I would love that!” This should be interesting…

Vile Mikey starts off by asking if he can touch Sally’s hair, and proceeds to plunge his hands deep inside of it. I’m really hoping he washed his hands after his Chalupa Steak Supreme! “Her split ends… are beautiful, there’s no problems there…” Wait one fucking minute… what did he say???!?

…Seriously. What. The. Fuck?…

Lady T disbelievingly interviews, “I think… he liked her split ends??!?”

Having found his bullshit groove quickly, Vile Mikey continues, “The way she layered it… is really great, it makes you look like an exotic bird… obviously we have black *referring to her hair color*… you have to be careful when you have dark hair what you wear down here *referring to her black clothing*, sometimes it won’t match, so…” Convinced he is shear genius and has successfully fooled two industry professionals, Vile Mikey tells us privately, “I think Sally’s very sweet and her character is very nicer than what she looks like with the whole ‘black thing’… you know, I don’t think that she should join the Cruella DeVille Society!” Poor Sally is biting the insides of her cheeks in a valiant effort not to burst into mad giggles…

…Sally the exotic bird with her ‘black thing’ and her fabulous split ends…

Momentarily ignoring the more obvious bits of bullshit in his blathering, Tabatha says “You know, if you say something like that to a client that was dressed all in black, that could be very offensive!” Queen Michaela retorts, “She’s too matchy for me! It’s like black here (hair), and black here (blazer), and black here (slacks) and black shoes… Come on, you guys look like you’re in a special club!” Well, they kind of are… the club of People Who Know How To Do Hair.

The criticism has pissed off Miss Thing as he interviews “You know, I felt that it wasn’t fair that, hey, you asked for my opinion, now I’m giving it to you, and they couldn’t take it, so, I didn’t think that was right!” Well, you know what they say about opinions, Mikey-poo… they’re redundant when they’re coming from an asshole. Lady T herself opines, “I haven’t known Michael for very long… it’s quite clear to me that he is rude and frankly an ass!” Tabatha must have travelled into the future and read this recap!

Bravely soldiering onward, Sally tells Vile Mikey that he’s going to be allowed to cut hair on a live human being (dear… GOD) but cautions him that he really has to listen to her and follow her directions, because if he screws up this poor girl’s hair she’s going to be responsible for it (i.e. she’ll get sued… I know I would if they were to let this douchbag anywhere near my head with a sharp object). Vile Mikey is super excited…

Sally brings in the victim live model, sits her down and proceeds to shoot her in the neck with a tranquilizer dart so she cannot run away screaming. Next she attempts to show Vile Mikey how you have to keep the lower blade static and level, cutting with only the upper blade moving to insure a straight, even edge… Mikey begins chopping away at the air, and right away Sally notices he’s moving both blades, and attempts to correct him on this. Queen Michaela comes forward and interviews, “It’s very difficult! I’m doing it for the first time and listen to two divas who are looking for something to critique on!” Queen Michaela continues hacking away as damaged air molecules rain down around his feet…

…and speaking of divas…

After 43 seconds Vile Mikey believes he has mastered this skill and insists he’s ready to cut the client’s hair. Sally starts off by making a nice straight even cut along the girl’s neckline, and hands the shears to him. He says “I think this is what you did…” and proceeds to hack away at the girl’s hair. Uh-oh, right away he says “I think I left it a little long, I should cut more…” Glancing at the jagged mess now adorning the girl’s neck, Sally says “No, you’ve cut it off, you’ve cut it short.” Queen Michaela bristles “Ok, actually it looks shorter over here, your guideline looks shorter than that…” Patiently, Sally points out to him where he went wrong by ignoring her instructions and just chopping away, and now the hair he cut is clearly shorter than the guideline she established. Queen Michaela disagrees, points to the torn-up hairline and says “No, I didn’t cut that, you cut that!”

Tabatha’s mouth has dropped open. So has mine. I’m pretty sure the rest of the Bravo viewership’s mouths have as well. Struggling to keep her equanimity, Sally says calmly, “It’s very rude to question what I’m trying to tell you, do you know what I mean? I’m not making it up.” Queen Michaela doggedly (and stupidly) insists, “This is shorter right here, but whatever, I’m not gonna say anything then!” Sally points out that he’s trying to blame his mistake on her, and apparently Queen Michaela believes if you insist enough times that your mistakes are someone else’s fault, it eventually becomes the truth. Lady T has had enough, and she thanks Sally for her time, saying “This is just making a mockery out of both of us, so I’m done with it, and I don’t wanna put you through it, so (turning to Vile Mikey) you can stop.”, and with that she walks out…

…can you blame her, you titanic tool?…

Vile Mikey follows Lady T outside of VSA where he insists, “Tabatha, I was doing my best to learn in there, and I was very happy to learn all of that.” Learn what? How to fuck up someone’s hair? T-Pain clocks him right away, “Michael, you weren’t learning! You made a mockery of my industry, which is sacreligious (and I think Jesus would agree with her)… and you questioned a friend of mine! I don’t give a fuck if you like me or not, cuz you know what? I can’t stand you! You’re an arrogant, insecure, egotistical, moronic, asinine fuckhead! That’s what you are! How’s that for ya!”, and Tabatha is really roiling boiling mad now as she gets up from her chair and spits, “You know what’ll make me feel a helluva lot better?” and she starts walking away, “How’s that? Does that work for you? Fucking useless!” I think Vile Mikey is lucky the scissors are still back inside, or the better portion of his internal organs would be lying in a steaming heap on the ground… he just mugs at the camera and shrugs again. Asshat.

Back at the salon, Tabatha talks with the staff who tell her how much fun they had canvassing and meeting people, and that they want to keep doing it. Lady T is so pleased by their hard work and their can-do attitudes, but now she has to tell them about what just transpired. When she tells the staff he was getting a lesson in hairstyling at Vidal Sassoon Academy, all of their eyes widen (even SourPuss Steven’s) and Stylist Valerie pipes up “That’s very lucky, Michael! I would give an arm and a leg to do that!” T-girl shakes her head and says it went very badly, relating how Michael insulted Sally the Creative Director and said she cut the hair on his live model the wrong way. I kinda thought she should have been more insulted by the fact that he said Sally had split ends, it’d be like saying the owner of the Selsun Blue Shampoo Company has real bad dandruff…

…but they were beautiful split ends!…

Tabatha is at her wit’s end, but she tells the staff that she did promise to help them, and really the only thing she has left to do is to redesign and redecorate De Cielo itself… Queen Michaela interviews “I’m not so sure I’m going to know how to feel if the renovations remind me of Tabatha every day… I think that might drive me crazy.” Oh Mikey, CrazyTown was, like, 10 stops ago!…

THE RENOVATION

Here’s where Lady T gets some revenge, as she says “This place looks like a medieval dungeon! The chairs are huge and tacky, there’s wrought-iron stations all over the place, it’s like gothic-shabby-chic, it’s hideous, and it has to change!” Turns out the stylists all hate the heavy, immobile, badly-upholstered chairs as well, and they all start helping Tabatha by taking them outside and tossing them in the dumpster! T-girl jumps up and starts yanking down the shiny circle-y things hanging in the windows. Everybody is getting into it so much that Stylist Mona says “We wanted to pick up Michael and throw him out, too!”

Speaking of Vile Mikey, is he helping at all? Nope, just standing there and posing as human, like always. And now, as SourPuss Steven joins him Vile Mikey whispers “I did really great with the hair and everything… it was great.” And then, just to prove how much of a kiss-ass fuckwit he is, SourPuss Steven leans in towards Michael and says…

…cementing his status as Slimiest Employee Ever…

Talk about fucking useless! These two sooooo deserve each other for eternity and across multiple lifetimes/universes/alternate realities. Tabatha and the staff feel great having gotten rid of (most of) the ugly shit in De Cielo, and she is committed more than ever to giving the staff a great place to work in, even if their management just wants to stand around, purse their lips, and disapprove of everyone and everything.

THE REOPENING

Tabatha ambushes Vile Mikey at his apartment 3 days later as she says ostensibly she wants to make sure he’s there on time for the grand reopening. Mikey answers his door with a look of panic on his face as he says his place is a mess… but yet he still has another spotlessly white over-embroidered dress shirt on. Lady T is making her last-ditch effort to try and motivate Vile Mikey to work with her and put up a united front for this important day. She tells him when she goes he will need to earn some of the staff’s respect back… and Mikey agrees! Wow, is he turning over a new leaf? I think he’d need to plow a forest under for me to be convinced, but whatever, they still shake on it…

…looks like someone would rather be handling live ebola virus…

The staff, Vile Mikey and Lady T are all out in front of the newly refurbished De Cielo Salon (Hairy Toe Jam Fungii Our Specialty!) and Vile Mikey has bought Tabatha some cheap flowers! Yellow for friendship! Awww, how silly and superficial! But never mind his 7-11 bouquet, the new De Cielo awaits!

Of course, the staff all freak out and love love love it, mostly because all the wrought-iron torture racks are gone, they have all new chairs (sans cinder-blocks) and one of the best upgrades is to the lobby area where people used to have to wait…

…no more Self-Flagellation Society Seating!…

I love how cheap-ass Vile Mikey had three teeny-tiny little throw pillows on that iron monstrosity as padding against having iron bars digging into your kidneys. I bet he fished them out of the trash, too. And now they’re gone! Vile Mikey is amazed with how modern it all looks now. Yes, the 21st Century is grand, isn’t it?

Looks like they’ve got a full book of clients coming in, but before they get started Tabatha introduces them to a friend of hers (Vinnie) who is actually going to be their receptionist for the day so that the stylists can, you know, actually style?

And here we go, they’re clipping, they’re coloring, they’re consulting. But where is the “assistant manager/esthetician” SourPuss Steven? Vile Mikey is on the phone with him. It seems that he’s having problems with his car being dead, and he hasn’t come in (they flash to the clock and show that it’s 1pm already!). Yeah, if my boss had to track me down at 1 in the afternoon, it’d pretty much be just to leave a voicemail that’d say “You can pick up your personal effects with Security.” I want to go to work for Vile Mikey. Especially since he’s going to go pick SourPuss Steven up! Tabatha asks him if leaving his staff alone on the grand Reopening day is a wise idea, and Vile Mikey amends his plans to say that SourPuss Steven is going to have to take a cab in. I hope it’s 30 miles, and I hope it’s at his own expense. Pisselegant fairy.

…”Hey Steven, could you keep acting like a much bigger douche than me? K’thanksBye!”…

Vile Mikey is going all around the salon and schmoozing with the clients. It comes off as smarmy and fake to me, but I’m guessing some of these ladies are starved for attention, even if it’s just coming from a blowhard windbag creepella like Vile Mikey. And look what the cat’s ass dragged in like a giant turd stuck to it’s butt-hair! It’s SourPuss Steven! He goes straight to Vile Mikey and is pissily asking if they’re supposed to be there every day at a certain time… yes, it’s called the work day, Steven, and 95.983% percent of Americans are slaves to it, especially in this toilet of an economy. He’s basically only come in to tell Vile Mikey that he’s leaving again to go and “start taking care of his car issues”. Well, what in fuckityfuck’s name was he doing with the first 4 hours of his day, eating Pop-Tarts and masturbating to F-Troop reruns?

And he just traipses right out the door! Vile Mikey is super-disappointed… um, how about righteously pissed off? The guy is leaving you esthetician-free on your great big grand Reopening day when he should be in the salon rubbing ground up apricot pits into people’s pores and putting cucumber slices over their eyes! I have no idea if this is what really goes on when people go get a facial, but according to the movies and TV it is so I’m running with it…

Running back to Tabatha, Vile Mikey says Steven didn’t even have any clients (I’m not surprised given his awesome P.R. abilities which mostly consisted of glaring at people and sweating) and that he felt it was better to go take care of his car issues rather than be at the salon. Lady T is aghast and has to point out to Vile Mikey that as “assistant manager” he should be there to help out, sell his services and be a part of the team effort to relaunch De Cielo. Mikey actually grows a pair and calls Steven back to tell him he needs to come back to the salon…

SourPuss Steven actually refuses to return, and when Vile Mikey insists, here’s what the bitchc*nt does… he hangs up on Mikey, yanks off his mike-pack, leaves it on a chair outside, and minces down the street looking sourer than ever. Again, if I tried that, I might as well walk directly to the Unemployment Office and start filling out paperwork in shame… The only reason I can think of that would cause Vile Mikey to allow this assfuck to play him like this is the existence of embarrasing nude photographs of the two of them having sex. Proof of that would probably shut me up in a hurry, too…

FINAL JUDGMENTS

Tabatha sits the staff down with Vile Mikey and congratulates them on what a great job they all did reopening De Cielo, everything went really well… with the exception of SourPuss Steven, and Lady T turns the floor over to Vile Mikey to let the staff know what he’s decided to do about this asshole and his diva behavior…

…”How about fire his lame gossiping backbiting bitchass?”…

Alas, the only thing Vile Mikey is doing is to decide that SourPuss Steven no longer has to be the assistant manager (something tells me there was no actual extra pay with this supposed “position” at De Cielo) and that he needs to concentrate on the Spa and his facials, because as Vile Mikey puts it, “That’s what he’s really good at.” Yes, and you can tell that by his glowing youthful countenance…

…the original “California Raisin”…

…and even weirder, Vile Mikey actually promises to be there more often to help support the staff! What a concept for a business owner to take on! I may cry. More likely I will snicker because Vile Mikey is as genuine as my Golce & Dabbana shoes, my Jarc Macobs jeans, my Iorgio Garmani embroidered shirt and my Bay-Ran sunglasses.

Before she goes, Tabatha has one last surprise for the staff members… it seems like she has also arranged for them to attend classes at the “Harvard Of Hairdressing”, the Vidal Sassoon Academy! They are all super-excited about this, because they knew that shit was wasted on Vile Mikey, and they are eager to keep learning more about their profession. Vile Mikey doesn’t deserve these people working for him at all… but it’s time for Lady T to give him back his keys… he claims that he loves all the new changes and that he’s going to implement all of her suggestions. Tabatha tells him he better… because she might come back and see him…

SIX WEEKS LATER

The bitch is baaaack! After searching everywhere in the salon she finally finds Vile Mikey and corrals him to chat about how things are going. He says business is “growing”, the staff are more productive, and things are going faster. Tabatha broaches the subject of SourPuss Steven and Vile Mikey did follow through on taking away his “assistant manager” title and duties, and left him alone to be Queen Facials. She also wants to know how much time he is actually spending in the salon nowadays. He says as business has grown it has required more attention from him…. interesting, he didn’t really answer the question. Color me shocked.

Tabatha goes around the salon to talk to the staff and find out if what Vile Mikey says is true… and her first stop is SourPuss Steven! In that same prissy voice that sets my teeth on edge, Steven swiftly jabs a giant rapier into Vile Mikey’s back as he tattles to Tabatha, “Your arrival here was very enlightening for all of us. A bit of time has progressed, and it could very well be that maybe some of the inspiration has waned a little bit.” T-girl says “So you feel like Michael’s not stepping up and following through?” SourPuss Steven breaks out into a giant egg-suck grin and gleefully says “Yes! That’s why I’m so happy you’re here today!”

…”No, really, Tabatha… I was on your side the entire time!”…

Lady T isn’t fooled by this boob for one second as she says, “Really? Well Steven, I never thought that you would be really happy to see me!” You can tell she’s just so totally over him and his giant teeth grinning at her like a death’s head…

She goes about and asks several more of the staff if Michael is really spending more time in the salon, and they all agree that in the beginning he was, but as time has gone on he’s spending less and less there. Tabatha goes to confront Vile Mikey and tells him that he’s busted and that he’s not spending nearly as much time there as he said he was. Queen Michaela is back and snaps “Uh, according to me, I am!” Tabatha’s warm manner quickly freezes at the reappearance of this bitch and icily wants to know, “And what does that mean ‘according to you’?” The Queen hastily departs and Vile Mikey immediately reappears and says “Uh, I mean I’ll do whatever it takes. I’m not gonna fall apart.” Tabatha gets him to vocalize his commitment to the salon and his staff. Which he will probably break and later justify by saying he had his fingers crossed behind his back the entire time…

Again, I am wondering if this place was able to hang on long enough to gain some additional steam from Bravo’s publicity (although seeing what a pair of assholes they had working there probably didn’t do much to bring in new clientele). Are there any Burbank-based Gasmii who can give us an update on whether or not De Cielo became De La Tierra y Cerrado? Even if they do, it seems as though his staff shouldn’t have trouble finding work elsewhere with the skills they have (and I imagine they could throw a rock and hit a better boss than Vile Mikey).

Next week, we are introduced to a salon owner who carries a toy dog with him that he lets shit all over the place, licks clients (the owner, not the dog) and calls Tabatha a bitch! *gasp* You don’t say!

What did you think of this episode? Do you hate people who get away with never having to work for a living? Are you going to start complimenting your friends on their “beautiful split-ends”? I know that I will never dust again and just tell all my sneezing friends that it’s there for “texture” and “part of the decor”. Until next time…

love, J-Mo