Salon Takeover With Tabatha: Don’t Hire A Horny MWTYWTFHBRYRPYPIASS!

There’s at least one in every workplace. We’ve all been stuck at a desk or in a cube near her at some point. She’s the gal who wears the ill-fitting too-tight tops and low-rise capris (with thong undies) and doesn’t seem to understand that at a certain point spaghetti straps stop looking sexy and start looking painful. She smokes like a chimney, drinks like a fish and loudly swears like a sailor (and sometimes farts like a grandpa… gleefully and with lusty abandon). She shares too many intimate details about herself (such as her diarrhea, yeast infections and the dreaded “heavy flow days”) and often has loud fights on the phone with her mother/sister/kids/boyfriend/husband/somebodyelse’sboyfriendorhusband. She’s always artlessly hitting on anything with a penis (which especially annoys her gay co-workers) and sees nothing wrong with telling you everything you’re doing wrong in your life, but refuses to listen when you try to enlighten her that flossing and brushing could counteract her death-breath. In short, she’s rude, crude and lewd…

…and she’s met her match…

In tonight’s episode of Salon Takeover With Tabatha we are treated to not only Nasty Girl being Put In Her Place, but we’ll also see a Twitchy Nervous Wreck Get Schooled and some rather Ugly Family Dynamics. Sound like fun? Well, I’m sure as hell gonna do my best for y’all after the jump…Well, it looks like I was wrong in my guessing that we were moving on to Miami this week (duh, this is a Bravo spin-off, I should have realized that there was just gonna be NYC Metro and L.A. Metro areas being covered) and in fact, Tabatha has homed in on a city quite near my old stomping grounds in the San Fernando Valley (shout-out to my peeps in Granada Hills, yo!) as this week’s Salon Nightmare is located at HairLab in Woodland Hills, California.

…I think when your business’ name is an anagram for “hr labia” you’re just asking for it…

HairLab is owned by Miss Kathy Bartolotta and her nephew Tim Provencher, who totally gives me a Christopher Knight/Peter Brady vibe (only not as cute, and obviously not banging an ANTM “winner”). Tim claims that he always wanted a salon of his own, but it took Auntie Kathy “pushing him” before he took the plunge… and borrowed $230,000.00 of her money to get things started. So that’s how it works!

Kathy’s a widow, and apparently that quarter mil was just burning a hole in her bank account before Tim did her the favor of coming along and relieving her of it. Now she works full-time in managing the salon, but she is not a hairdresser… Tim’s the one with the hair-burner pedigree of 22 years. Although she works as hard as she can, the salon is just breaking even, and she’s not being paid back for the loan she gave to start this place… except in stress and heartburn…

Turns out that Kathy and Tim aren’t much in the way of enforcing rules and/or professional business practices, and as a result, their stable of stylists aren’t much for class or decorum (unless we were to precede those words by “low-” and “lack of”, respectively). I’m thinking that’s about to change, because look what the smog is blowing their way…

…Jesus, TabbyKat! Did Kenley over at Project Runway get ahold of you somehow?…

You know, normally I think Lady T dresses pretty smartly, but wherever she got that black tulle meringue concoction at, they lied… it’s already expired, honey. Anyhow, she greets Kathy and Tim and convinces them to leave their business mid-day to travel to wherever the “hidden camera control room” is so they can begin…

SALON UNDERCOVER

Starting off with the usual “Why do you need me here?” gambit, Kathy explains that HairLab has been open for 2 years and their business has hit a plateau, and she needs to make more money after having sunk all of hers into it. After hearing the figure of $230,000.00 Tabatha wants to know how much Kathy is taking as a salary. Turns out she’s only paying herself $2000.00 a month! In Southern California. The cost of living in Woodland Hills is listed as being 75% higher than the U.S. average so I’m guessing Kathy’s not looking thin and haggard by choice. I’m also guessing she’s probably got an ulcer, because she says her rent alone is $2000.00 a month… so in order to cover those other pesky expenses like food and electricity she’s dipping into her ever-dwindling savings account. She believes she’s got about 8 months left before she starts looking into selling off a kidney.

Turning to Tim, Tabatha asks “How much did you invest initially into the salon, Tim?” He glibly answers “I didn’t invest. Kathy came in as an investor.” In other words, a BIG FAT ZERO DOLLARS. “You did not invest at all.” says Lady T attempting to grasp the situation, “And what’s your income, then? Your income is different from each other?” Timbo explains, “I don’t take from the salon, I take from the chair..” Ah ah ah, “But the chair is in the salon.” points out Tabatha. After hemming and hawing some more, Tim reveals that he takes home $8000.00 a month… Tabatha is incredulous as she interviews “Tim didn’t put a dime into this salon yet he’s making four times the salary that Kathy’s making… something not right here!”

…can you find the greedy selfish tool in this picture?…

Gee, Kathy, nice nephew you’ve got there… does he, by any chance, also work for the government? Cuz he sure seems to know how to steal all your cash and spend all your future earnings and still claim that that is the right and fair thing to do while he lives 4 times better than you do. I bet he’s not eating “Spaghetti-O Surprise” (which is crumbled-up generic Ritz crackers in Spaghetti-O’s) four night a week. I speak from bitter experience. But, if you do find yourself in dire straits, you can also try Burger Bun Mexi-Melts, which is a slice of Velveeta on a cheap hamburger bun, with your choice of Mild or Hot Taco Bell Sauce squirted on top (if you’re doing really good, or you find a dollar in the sofa cushions, use real salsa) and put under broiler for a minute or two. ¡Qué Delicioso!

Anyhow, we’ll have to return to this curious and slightly totally psychotic financial arrangement later on. It’s time for Kathy & Tim to see what’s really going on in their salon while they’ve stepped out with Tabatha…

First we get to watch as a stylist washes a client’s hair… while wearing one of Jennifer Beals’ maniacal off-the-shoulder baggy-sleeve 80′s blouses and continually whopping the client in the face with it…

…one good meaty bite would take care of this problem…

Now we are introduced to Miss Mazi. She’s the loud obnoxious (I won’t call her a “cougar” because I’m trying to do my part to shuffle that term off in the same direction as “bling” and “diss”) Rottweilerish plastic-haired stylist that definitely qualifies as a M.W.T.Y.W.T.F.H.B.R.Y.R.P.Y.P.I.A.S.S. (this J-Mocronym is pronounced “Mow-tee-what-fuh-bry-rippy-pie-ass” and stands for Mother Who Thinks You Want To Fuck Her But Really You’d Rather Put Your Penis In A Salad-Shooter). She’s screeching across the salon to another stylist “GOR-JUSSSSS, WHAS UUUUP? WHAD I’M GONNA DO WIDDOUT YOU BAYYY-BEEEEEE!!!”

Kathy and Tim seem embarrassed, and act as though they’ve never heard this woman cackling like this before. I’m calling bullshit, there’s no way this is new behavior to them, they’ve just been allowing it (probably because they’re both afraid Miss Mazi-Rotty will eat them).

Oooh, and here’s something interesting… a rather Karen Carpenterish-looking stylist is applying hair coloring to a client… using a plastic grooming brush??!?

…I swear I’ve seen these at PetCo…

Tim says he has no idea what that thing is, or why the stylist is using it. Tabatha avers that it’s not something she would ever use to apply coloring to a human head. I think it would be useful in removing lice eggs, but that’s about it. And the client who is getting colorgroomed/nitpicked??!? “She looks absolutely terrifed… she looks like she’s about to cry!”

…I’d say she’s regretting signing that standard Bravo/NBC Universal reality show contract…

At this point Lady T reveals that she sent this client in, so you know there’s gonna be a full report (and probably hysterics) later on…

Heyyyy, here’s something you don’t see every day! This stylist apparently has either a) a really itchy itch on her face… b) a sweltering zit that just broke open… or c) a big booger. I’m hoping it’s a). Anyhow, instead of excusing herself for a second to either itch, mop or kleenex, she just leans over and wipes whatever-the-hell-it-is on the towel the client is wearing.

…ehh-hewww-uh!…

That’s just Nas-to-the-T, people! “That is fucking disgusting!” says Tabatha as she struggles mightily with her gorge. She’s not the only one. I feel just about ready to ride the Hurley-Whirley Express, too.

Kathy is getting upset and says what she’s seeing is really pissing her off now, viewing how little these people care about her business, but she’s also mad at herself for letting them do it. Lady T points out “Well, yeah, and Tim you’re letting them do it, too!” and she demands the keys to the salon… Tim looks pissed. Too late, buddy-roo… it’s time for Tabatha to start…

THE TAKEOVER

It takes longer than usual for Tabatha to get the attention of these bitches, they’re so busy gossiping and key-keying and ignoring her. Eventually, though, everyone gathers around for the familiar spiel as Lady T lays the whole “we’ve-been-watching-you-on-surveillance-cameras” thing and opines “I have to tell you.. I. Am. Appalled.” Me too! Who wears blue eye-shadow?!?!

…1988 called… it says this look was bad even back then, so stop it…

Tabatha brings back in the Scared Client she sent in that was being worked on by Twitchy Karen Carpenter Lookalike and her Amazing Plastic Pet Scratch Color Applicator. Her name is actually Julie Ann. “How do you think it went?” Tabatha asks her… and with her chin jutting defiantly Twitchy Julie says “I know she loves her haircut!” Really? Let’s ask her! Scared Client admits, “I wasn’t happy with the color… I asked for red underneath, and I can’t see the red…” In a dead, dead voice devoid of any shred of emotion, Twitchy Julie says “I apologize.”…

…I bet somebody is crossing their toesies!…

Lady T probes further, “And how do you feel about the technique?” Scaredy says “The technique scared me, I haven’t seen it before… it was messy and it got all over me and I felt really stiff…” T-girl asks, “Would you feel comfortable coming back?” and Skerd says “I would say that it would be a waste of my time to come back…”

…”And also, you smelled like anorexia…”…

Now Tabatha wants to know how Kathy feels hearing all of this. Poor Kathy is starting to lose it as she talks about how disappointed she is and how much money she has invested in the salon… as the tears begin to flow she admits “I cannot afford for this place to go under… it needs to get better in order for me to start making money!” Some of the stylists are tearing up, too. Good! I hope some of you bitches feel a tad guilty for acting like high-school dropouts while drawing down what is probably a better salary than what she’s making…

Lady T points out how serious this is for Kathy (she includes Tim in this, too, but I don’t know why, it seems like he’s really got the sweet end of the deal, so I don’t think he’s really got much to complain about) and lays it out about her taking over, cancelling all the appointments and changing everything… “…and some of you may not last!” Eh, stop toying with us, Tabby! Nobody’s gonna get the axe… Anyways, she dismisses the staff for the rest of the day as she asks for…

THE INSPECTION

Time for the white-glove test (although with Tabatha’s pasty complexion she doesn’t really need gloves, so she’s using her hands). Kathy says that she has a cleaning woman who comes in five days a week… except when Tabby runs her hand over the upper surfaces of the cabinetry she comes away with a dust ball big enough to choke God…

…wow, looks like your clean-up woman is fucking you over, too, Kathy…

That’s not five days worth of dust accumulation, that’s more like five months worth. The sinks are also filled with hair and Kathy says the State Board would fine them if they were to see that. I hope none of them are watching, can they give you a retro-active citation? Ugh, these people also have spilled hair-coloring all over the place as well. I thought these were adults working here, why is it that people can’t seem to clean up after themselves? Well, I guess it’s hard to do when you’re busy slacking and planning your weekend…

Timbo is getting mad at himself for all the things that Lady T is finding wrong with the salon “Why does she come in here in one day and see this shit, and I don’t see it?!?” Speaking as a man who has grown up in a house with four kids, two adults and several kitties, I can tell you that when there are even obvious messes that occur (hairballs, cat doots, food spillage) then astigmatisms flourish…

…I’m guessing that’s the case here…

Tim shows them to his styling chair, which is in an alcove separated by a big wall. He used to be up front by the reception desk but it was “too loud and crazy” up there. No wonder he has no clue what’s going on here! Tabatha says her chair is up front at her salon, because she wants to be able to see everything that’s going on (and while I love her and everything, I imagine she’s a bit of an anal-retentive micro-manager… it would be intriguing to interview some of her employees, but they’d probably lie in fear of their lives).

T-girl is sitting down with Kathy and Tim to discuss their business arrangement further, and Kathy drops another bomb. Tim owns 51% of the business, while she only has 49%! Naturally Tabatha wants to know why Tim is the controlling partner over Kathy. “It’s on paper…. there’s no ‘controlling partner’.” he insists. “So why don’t you change it on paper?” she demands. I have to agree, this is just a bullshit deal all around… if it’s on paper, it can be enforced as a legal tool in court.

And speaking of tools, Lady T wants to know if Timbo had any kind of structured business plan to pay Kathy back for her insanely generous financial contribution to “his” business…. I’m curious about this, too…

…”Well, he gave me a really big I.O.U. with this many zeroes on it!”…

Timbo says that because they’re just breaking even, he hasn’t been able to pay Kathy back at all. In 2 years. T-girl points out that Kathy isn’t even being paid enough to live on since she’s having to dip into her savings. “What would you suggest?”, says a wide-eyed Tim. “Well, if you paid commission on $8000.00 a month, that’s four grand a month in the salon’s pocket right there!”

Tim is horrified at this suggestion, and interviews “Everybody’s making it out to seem like my poor little Aunt Kathy’s pushing a shopping cart or something, you know? It’s like, come on, no, she’s not pushing a shopping cart!” Yeah, Tim, she’s not, because there no point in her even getting a shopping cart… because she can’t afford to put anything in it! Giant Tool.

TabbyKat wants to know if Tim adjusts his salary at all if there is a bad month where they come up short, and maybe takes home less money. Absolutely not! He’s got his expenses, so no dice. Don’t tell me that he’s not using that “on-paper controlling partner” bullshit in his head as a justification for this… bitch, please! At least he could give Kathy a C-note for her shopping cart… Ugh, let’s leave this dipshit behind for a bit and move on to the…

STAFF MEETING

In wanting to find out from the stylists what they think is the problem, all hell breaks loose as they all begin yammering over one another in loud annoying voices. Tabatha looks like she’s been thrust into the role of Kindergarten Teacher… “One at a time… it does my head in!” I’m not surprised…

…”And then I go, ‘whatever!’ and then she goes ‘nuh-UH!’ and then I go “Yah-HUH!” and then she goes…”…

It looks like Miss Blue Eye Shadow from the day before has gone home and cleaned that crap off, she looks a zillion times better, and she says they just need a reminder of what appropriate professional behavior is from time to time. “What’s Tim doing?” Tabatha wants to know. The stylists all say he pretty much just stays in his corner doing hair. They don’t see him as a manager, but as a co-worker on their same level. He’s not at all involved in the day-to-day operations, that is all dumped on Kathy to handle (for which she gets the added privilege of making a quarter of the amount of money that he does!) and the staff all feel she does a great job of it, but that she’s “got a lot on her plate”.

Well, the stylists are about to find out what that’s like because it’s time for…

THE ASSESSMENT

Tabatha’s bringing in more frightened people to have their hair hacked at by these complete strangers. Timbo, of course, is a very confident stylist and gives a really good consultation to a brunette who’s considering going completely blonde (pointing out that if she’s really a “low maintenance” kind of girl, those eventual dark roots are gonna be a problem… good point, I wish more people thought about that).

Ohhh, but things aren’t going so well over at Twitchy Julie Ann’s station… her Asian client has brought in a picture of America Ferrera… apparently Twitchy doesn’t have a clue who that is, because when she mentions the picture and the client says “America.” Julie Ann looks at her like the girl is just tossing out random words and says “Excuse me?”. The client patiently points to the picture and says “Her name is America.” Twitchy giggles rather insanely…

…”Ugly who?”…

Then, for whatever reason (possibly because Tabatha is standing there with a total “I-can’t-believe-my-fucking-eyes” expression on her face) Julie Ann starts haltingly asking the girl about what her job occupation is…. (!!!) Asian-Girl quietly ignores this and starts telling Twitchy what she wants done to her hair, but Tabatha can’t take it any more so she steps in and starts asking more germaine questions, such as whether the girl blow-dries her hair, and how much time she normally spends on it. Julie Ann looks on as though Asian Girl and Tabatha have started conversing in Mandarin…

Oh, and here comes Miss Mazi-Rotty. Somehow she has scored a super-hot hunk of Latin Fuego… when he says his last haircut was several months ago, Mazi says “Oh really! You are bad boy! What, you don’t take care of youself?” all the while smiling goofily and flirtatious-like. Mr. Fuego looks annoyed…

…and wishing for a Tabatha Takeover of his own…

Tabatha has been watching with a great deal of interest. “Here would be my suggestion for you… because you’re telling him that he’s not taking care of himself! So, instead of doing that, because that could be offensive to a client… did that offend you?” she asks Mr. F. “A little bit.” he replies gratefully. Miss Mazi continues her giggly horny schoolgirl routine, “Oooh, he’ll get mad with me!” Lady T continues, “Yeah, maybe he was growing his hair, alright? So instead of criticizing him, then you need to find out what their normal schedule is… okay?”

Ooooh, Miss Mazi-Rotty don’t like! “I don’t think for a salon owner to go after my work with a customer, I don’t think that is professional!” she interviews. Yeah, spare us your righteous indignation Miss Thing, that guy is lucky there was a chair-back between the two of you or he’d have wound up with a giant wet-spot on his back, okay?

…I know I would be…

Moving right along to a rather zaftig redhead named Alex, who is describing her coloring process to Tabatha “I’M MAINLY DOING THE HIGHLIGHT, I’M USING THE LOWLIGHT EVERY SO OFTEN JUST TO-” and Tabatha shushes her for a moment and asks for her to use her “inside voice” instead of her “CROWDED NOISY BAR VOICE”. Alex says when she’s nervous she talks loudly. NO SHIT.

Tabby’s up at the front desk talking to Kathy and Timbo, and asks Tim what he thinks of the work he’s seeing, wondering if he’s ever even looked at it before. “No.” he says initially, but then tries to backpedal and say he has gone and spotchecked the staff. Lady T stops him and says he can’t have it both ways, he either hasn’t looked at their work or he has… Taking a sassy tone, Timbo asks for the definition of “look”. Uh-oh. “Definition of look is to see something with one’s eyes! How’s that?” she snaps.

Lady T calls him out on staying back in his little closet all the time and not paying attention to what is going on around him in what’s supposed to be his business. Kathy jokingly tells him he needs to “Get your ass over there and look at those people!”… Tabatha high-fives her, “You tell him!”

…Tim realizes the hormonal balance of power has shifted…

So how does he react to Kathy’s half-joking insistence on taking a more active hand in the kind of work that his staff is doing? “I have a client. You deal with it.” Hey Tim? You already have a ballsac. Stop being one.

Time for assessment results. Zaftig Redhead Alex needs work on her foiling technique and checking her hairstyles. She got off easy. Tabatha could have told her to provide earplugs for all future clients.

Twitchy Julie Ann is getting cornholed much harder, as Tabatha points out for the length of time she spent putting coloring and foils in Asian Girl’s hair, she looks no more like America Ferrera than I do. Tabatha posits that if a client pays to have their hair colored, they should be able to actually see the coloring at the end of the process (Asian Girl’s hair still looks jet-black, and she looks pissed).

…Tabatha wonders how Gordon Ramsey copes (I’d say with alcohol)…

Twitchy is getting more and more nervous while trying in vain to find the right placating words that will pacify Tabatha, but Lady T wants the girl to actually have an opinion in response to her critique. Julie Ann is getting scarier by the moment as her eyes continue to dart aimlessly around the room, and her head really is twitching like she’s a robot with a virus. “There is no ‘right thing’ to say to me, I’m not looking for a ‘right thing’… I’m looking for the truth and I keep giving you feedback, and you keep ‘okay’-ing me!” Dead silence and more convulsive movement from Julie Ann. Finally Tabatha gives up. “The haircut itself looks very nice.” and walks away…

Oh joy. We have come back to Miss Mazi-Rotty. She’s still not giving up on getting herself a piece of hot latin lovin’ tonight, and she’s getting bolder by the second…

…”Oh, well, in that case… I hate it.”…

If that were me in the chair, that would be it, time’s up, everybody out of the pool, I wanna see the manager right now! I don’t know how in 2008 people can still think that this kind of behavior is fitting in a business situation (unless your business is porn, and then this would be quite tame). Tabatha agrees with me, and asks Mazi if she flirts with all of her clients? “I do.” is her unapologetic response. T-girl points out, “It’s highly inappropriate.” Mazi tries to defend her nasty behavior, “Not in a cheap way… I don’t doo it in a cheap way!” Lady T disagrees, “Asking a client for a kiss isn’t probably the classiest thing that I’ve ever heard of!” Meanwhile, Mr. Fuego’s face says exactly how I feel about this woman…

…mm-hmm, girl, I totally feel you there!…

“You’re here to cut hair, not to flirt and talk about kissing clients, and not to shout across the salon any more!” says Tabatha walking away. Miss Mazi-Rotty looks at her with a mixture of fear and loathing (minus the Las Vegas). I think Lady T shoulda given her a coupla snaps up at the end of that little speech. It would have provided a nice touch.

TabbyKat is back in The Closet with Timbo, and is trying to tell him that his staff are looking for leadership and they need someone to set the tone of professionalism. He’s completely ignoring her and just continuing work on his client. Tabatha takes out a ball-peen hammer and thwops his kneecap into splinters, and as he lays shrieking and writhing on the floor, she stands over him asking “Can you hear me now?” Okay no, she doesn’t do that, but I bet the thought has crossed her mind. She thinks the styling staff is talented, but lazy… and she dismisses them for the evening after telling them they have a 9am staff meeting the next day.

At the next day’s staff meeting everyone shows up promptly before nine… everybody, that is, except for Twitchy Julie Ann, which immediately pisses Tabatha off, and she’s not gonna wait for Twitchy to finish throwing up her breakfast, brush her teeth, take a laxative and get her bony ass on into work.

Just as she gets done giving the stylists the assignment to go out and market the salon to people on the street (they have to bring in at least one new client) Miss Twitchy Julie Ann finally shows up and strolls on in like it’s no big deal… Both Tabatha and Timbo double-team her with an instant “You’re late!” Incredibly she disagrees with them! “Oh no, I’m not late.” She is rewarded with a stereo-gunning of “Yes, you are!” from the two T’s…

…I’m waiting for someone to pull out a folding chair and whop her a good one in the head…

“Every other one of your team members is here… and you’re late!” says Tabatha. With a super-big-too-bright-fake-ass-skull-like-death’s-rictus-of-a-grin, Julie Ann says “Okay, I’m late, you’re right, I am late!” Her “team members” are all looking at her with disgust. I hate that shit, too, and I wish that people who came into meetings and classes late like that without apologizing should be held down and everybody in the class should get a free crotch-punch. They’d never be late again.

Lady T’s not through, “I’m not an alarm clock, my dear, you are old enough and big enough to set your own alarm and get your ass to work on time!” With that, she fortifies the stylists with flyers and sends them on out into the Woodland Hills sunshine!

Meanwhile, in walks a friend of Tabatha’s, a marketing director by the name of Eliane Henri, and she’s there to help them market HairLab to local Hollywood talent… and apparently one of Eliane’s clients is the female side of “American Gladiators”… because in marches a broad-shouldered big-boobed blonde named Robin (who apparently plays “Hellga” the Gladiator)…

…I have no doubt she could put Timbo in a brisk headlock, but can she deal with her split ends?…

Turns out the G(Lady)ators are gonna have a (heavily airbrushed) photo shoot coming up, and Eliane thought that HairLab should come and pitch them to try and gain their business for said shoot. Robin says she’s had the same stylist for 10 years, and wants to know what Timbo will do for her that she’s not getting done right now. I was jumping up and down and holding my hand in the air and going “Oooh! Oooh! Oooh! Pick me! Pick me! Memememe!” before I realized I was alone in my living room and looked really stupid. If I had been there, I believe my short and sweet answer would have been “I would put conditioner in your hair.” Then Robin would have drop-kicked me to Jesus.

So what brilliant ideas does Timbo have for Robin? He babbles incoherently about a “Samson-Goliath” thing and says words like “hair-pieces” and “metallic” and “industrial-futuristic” and eventually trails off. All four women seated at the table are looking at him like he’s an especially stupid species of bare-assed baboon. I myself was not aware of a connection between Samson and Goliath. Were they lovers who became Ex-Boyfriends after that bitch Delilah stole Samson away with her nightly schlocky love-songs radio show, and that skinny twink David turned down Goliath for a rebound date? Perhaps there is something to that “Rock Me Sexy Jesus” thing after all? Someone should inform Jan Crouch!…

…and speaking (in tongues) of people who need a new stylist…

Where was I? Oh yeah, so Timbo sucked baaaad. He pretty much was crashing and burning until he pointed out to Robin that they are a local Valley Salon, and since she apparently lives in the Valley, it would be lots closer for her than going all the way into “the city” (by which I’m assuming he means West Hollywood or Beverly Hills) to get her hair did. Score one for HairLab! Robin promises to bring in some of her “friends” at the salon reopening and give him a shot. She grabs her compensation check from the BravoTV P.A. on the way out of the restaurant…

Meanwhile, the Stylists are all running up and down Ventura Blvd passing out fliers and drumming up business. Twitchy Julie Ann says she loves doing this kind of thing. Yay for Julie Ann having an outlet for her nervous energy!

You know who else was liking it (sorta) was Miss Mazi-Rotty, “I was verry excitet to go and promode da salon and bring some new customers…” but then she turns dour, “Bud, I din’t think it’s gonna be in dis way! I thought promoting like that, just hanging flyers, was cheap…” Well, if anyone can recognize cheap, it’d be Miss Mazi… and with that, she gives up on the whole promotion idea (with a full handful of fliers) and decides to take a break…

…how ’bout pick up an application while you’re there, sweetie?…

Back at the salon, Tabatha sits down with Kathy and Timbo again to address “the elephant in the room” which is their “partnership” (which I think of as a “partnership” in the same way as I’d think of “reverse-indentured servitude”). Tabatha says she cannot fathom a business owner who does not reinvest any of his earnings back into his business. Timbo gets defensive and says “That kinda makes me feel like you think I’m lazy and I don’t do anything around here!”… Poor baby. Lady T does not disabuse him of this impression and she just smiles tightly and says “I have an idea.”

Timbo already knows what her idea is: “To pay out of my income… I pay to the salon or to Kathy out of what I make.” He looks like he’s reciting ways to commit suicide, and he’s obviously not getting the point. Tabatha tries a more direct tack as she says “Look, Tim, Kathy needs a wage that she can live on…” Timbo finishes for her with a petulant, “…then I’m the one that’s short, and, so then, I’ll be in her position.”… heaven forbid!…

…Kathy comes to the conclusion that she is related to a giant turd…

He says “I don’t think that’s the best idea.” Smack him, Kathy! Just smack him now! Tabatha interviews incredulously “Tim told me that if one of them was going to be broke… it’s easier if it’s Kathy! Asshole!” You tell ‘em, Tabatha! Seriously, just smack him! Or better yet, call Robin and her Glamazon buddies to come and kick his ass!

Lady T says that she just wants to even the playing-field and bring Kathy up to a livable wage, so she’s giving them the name of a local business attorney who can draw up a more *ahem* equitable partnership and a repayment plan. Kathy snags the card from Timbo with a giggle. I’m guessing it was the first call she made after they finished filming this segment. Hey Kathy, can I be your nephew instead of icky old Timbo? I’m much cuter than he is, and I won’t bleed your nest-egg dry. We could just hang out and get blitzed together and make fun of Mazi… call me…

Now the stylists are filing back into the salon, and not only did they hand out all of the flyers Tabatha gave them (minus the giant stack that Mazi probably “posted” to the bottom of a Taco Bell dumpster) but they actually had to go out and print some more! The ladies all look like they’re on a bit of a high from having been out and about all day… all of them, that is, except for Miss Mazi-Rotty…

“I felt very cheap to go to walking the street just like that and interview people, it’s like, they looking at you cheap with a flyer! I thought it’s not professional!” she says. I’m not sure what Mazi’s irrational hatred of the printed word on colored paper is all about, but it sure runs deep. I’m still just giggling at her buckets and bushels of chutzpah for claiming handing out a flyer is not “professional”, but threatening open-mouthed oral-contact abuse of your clients somehow is…

…I feel cheap to go to looking at her just like this, and not even a flyer do I have!…

Anyhow, Tabatha says it’s time to begin the renovation of the salon, and she brings out a pair of boxing gloves and presents them to Timbo and says that she wants him to start things off by punching a hole in the wall of his alcove! Interesting idea, but I think Tim’s the wrong man to punch holes in walls (maybe this would be a challenge better suited to those guys from “Ultimate Fighter”) and after a few ineffectual punches, Tabatha tells him he can go ahead and kick it if he wants…

…at which point he promptly gets his foot stuck…

After freeing him from this symbolic (if slightly silly) gesture, Tabatha sends them all home so they can begin the makeover in time for…

THE REOPENING

Upon entering the newly remodeled HairLab, of course Tim and Kathy are loving the changes… especially their new front desk, which looks like a big cheese grater…

…”You can shred a block of mozzarella this big!”…

Also, Tim’s former closet has been turned into a glass-walled cubicle so he’ll be able to keep a half-an-eye on his staff (assuming he doesn’t just keep ignoring them, glass or no glass.

It looks like their “cheap flyer” marketing has paid off, as there are tons of clients. Better still, here comes Robin and some of her fellow ladies from the American Gladiators… Tabatha believes if they do a good job with these girls then HairLab will be able to attract more local TV stars.

However, things aren’t starting off so good, as Miss Mazi-Rotty has been paired up with Erin (a.k.a. “Steel”). Erin’s trying to tell Mazi what she wants, and Mazi shuts her down with “How ’bout if I’ll do what I think and you gonna be amazed!” Still believing that Mazi is there to do her bidding, Erin tells her that she wants highlights, and she wants them to be in a vivid blue color. “You think you can do that?” asks Erin. Mazi just smiles and continues playing with Erin’s hair. After prompting for a verbal answer, Mazi comes back at her with…

…careful Mazi, I bet Erin could put some black and blue all over your body real easy…

Yes, Mazi is claiming she just doesn’t have any blue hair coloring to put in Erin’s hair! Stupid woman, like that’s gonna stop Tabatha, who immediately goes right over to another stylist in the same salon who has plenty of blue coloring. There you go, bitch…

Meanwhile, Twitchy Julie Ann has been given Beth (a.k.a. “Venom”) to retouch her blonde highlights, and her consultations are still a stuttering mess. Tabatha comes over and asks her what level she’s using with her lowlights, and Twitchy gives her usual wishy-washy answer “Ummmm, six?” Beth is starting to doubt that Julie Ann knows what she’s doing. So is the Bravo audience.

Back over at Miss Mazi-Rotty’s station, things have gotten even worse. “How’s the color coming?” asks Tabatha. “I don’t like it.” says Mazi. That’s kind of a funny thing for the stylist to admit, don’tcha think? Erin says “I don’t think it even came out.” and she’s right, her hair is still black. Lady T wants to know why Miss Mazi doesn’t like it, and she immediately elaborates “I don’t like the results.” Still not telling us anything. “Very simple. I don’t like what we did. I didn’t agree with it.” Ah, so it’s not her fault that it looks like shit.

Not being the shrinking violet-type, Erin is speaking up as Miss Mazi is roughly blow-drying her hair…

…go get her, “Steel”!…

Miss Mazi continues to argue with her by disagreeing “No, I don’t make you feel bad. I just tried to explain it to you.” Finally Tabatha has to step in and tell her, “You know what, Mazi? Please don’t argue with a client.” Mazi turns argumentative with Lady T as she insists, “I don’t. I don’t argue with you.”

Timbo has been watching this whole thing right next to Tabatha. In the back room Tabatha is apparently having to spell it out to him how rude Mazi is being. “She’s blaming the client for asking for something… look at the way she’s the client’s hair! The client looks miserable! I mean, you can see, she’s pissed off, so you need to go and put the fire out…and solve the problem!”

…or Mazi is quite likely to get puss-punched…

Amazing that Tim was standing there through the entire exchange and said and did nothing to stop it or to rein Miss Mazi-Rotty’s attitude in! He introduces himself to Erin, apologizes for her (all the while Mazi is furiously continuing to harshly brush and blow-dry Erin’s now-color-treated-for-nothing-hair) and then relieves Mazi of the blow-dryer. Yay for Timbo growing a pair!

Time for a throwdown in the back. “My problem is not with your work… my problem is with your attitude!” starts Lady T. Miss Mazi fires back, “This is my kind of business… you do your business your own way… I’ll do it my way! I’m not gonna put myself into ridiculous like what you tried to do to me! I’m sorry, I’m so many years in the business… I don’t need that!” I’m not sure what she thinks Tabatha tried to “do” to her, other than follow the wishes of a paying client. “You’ve done nothing but complain, you’ve done nothing but give me an attitude, and you’ve been resistant to me every single step of the way! The bottom line is, your client isn’t happy! And frankly that’s not acceptable to me!”

Miss Rotty’s response? A great big sullen “Okay.” and she just shrugs as Tabatha walks away. I was hoping Tabatha was going to go get a bat, but actually she went to check on Beth “Venom” Blonde’s color job. Turns out Twitchy Julie Ann actually did quite a nice job, and Beth says she’d come back to her again!

Timbo is placating Erin by adding bright blue hair extensions (like she asked for about three hours ago) and now Erin says she would definitely come back to be worked on… by Tim. And maybe beat up Mazi. Okay she didn’t say that, but I’m hoping that that is one of her thought-bubbles.

Tabatha beckons for Kathy and Timbo to join her in the back office for her…

FINAL JUDGEMENTS

Lady T is actually so impressed by Tim’s skills that she thinks he should raise his prices by 20%! Okay, I think the “compliment” was a bit of a smoke-blow-up-the-butt to Tim, because she all but admits she’s recommending this as a means of trying to get poor Kathy enough money to be able to afford brand-name Kraft Macaroni & Cheese as a diet staple.

On the other hand, she brings up the fact that Miss Mazi’s attitude has not improved since Lady T has been salon owner (duh), she’s rude to the clients, she is resistant to any advice, and she thinks the Rottweiler should be put on probation. Oooh, I hope it’s not “double secret probation”!!! That might hurt her feelings!

Back out with the assembled staff at the end of the day, Tabatha points out that Tim’s pricing is actually on the lower end of the range at HairLab! Huh? Shouldn’t getting in to have your hair done by the owner of the salon be a tad more expensive, than, say, to see weird-ass Twitchy Julie Ann? Ah, but it turns out that Twitchy has some of the highest prices in the entire salon! Being Queen Of Denial as always, Julie Ann insists, “I really don’t charge that much!” Not according to Tabatha, who says that she has recommended to Kathy and Tim that she actually lower her pricing so that she can be aligned with everyone else in the salon…

…Now for a big mouthful of Humble Pie…

I don’t know, call me crazy, but I get the feeling that her pricing scale being higher than most of the other stylists may have been news to the others, cuz she sure looks guilty as hell, and I wonder if that’s why she tried to play it down like she wasn’t gouging for her meager skills. I don’t know how independent stylist pricing works, but I imagine it might be one of those touchy subjects not often discussed in the open. For someone who has such a hard time even talking to people (and add in her nervous tics) I would have thought she was on the lower end to begin with. Well, she’s gonna wind up there anyhow…

Next she brings up the whole Mazi-Erin-Blue-Hair-Fiasco, and Tim points out how unhappy Erin was, especially with Miss Mazi arguing with her. Miss Rotty still refuses to capitulate that she was an argumentative bitch! “I want to hear one word from somebody who know me a little bit better than you!” she spits at Tabatha. So Timbo steps up and says “Rules can’t keep being broken. If they are, there’s gonna be probation, and if people can’t work and live with us, well then HairLab might not be the best place for you…”

…y’hear that, Miss Muzzle? You just got served! BOO-yah!!…

Tabatha is impressed by his speechifying, “You sound like an owner, my friend!” All the stylists (except Miss Mazi-Rotty) clap and cheer… and Tabatha gives him back the keys to the Lab! And with that she’s out… until…

SIX WEEKS LATER

Lady T hopes that as she goes back to HairLab that they’ve put their business plan in action to pay Kathy back… and that Miss Mazi has been fired. Okay, so she didn’t say that, but why should Tabatha be the only one who has hopes and dreams for the HairLab, huh? Of course, anybody in SoCal and especially the Valley (and especially the west Valley) who’s been watching tonight won’t likely let Miss Thing get within a hundred yards of their hair, much less arguing distance.

Timbo and Kathy meet with T-girl and say business is growing, they’re getting a lot of referrals (maybe some from their cheap flyers) and Kathy says she is finally making some more money, because last month she actually took home three thousand! Time to buy some hamburger to go with the Helper! Inquiring after their plan to pay Kathy back, Tim says the deal is already done and in place, and that they have “other business things going on…”

…let me guess… they’re gonna invest in more “safety orange” furniture…

Taking Lady T’s advice to have a more active role in “his” salon, Tim is actually going to take over everything and Kathy is going to be leaving the salon altogether in the next six months! “What are you going to do?” asks Tabatha. “I have a couple of friends in Tulsa that are in the real-estate business and I’m going to join them in the real-estate business!” she says happily. Is she serious? Real Estate? Does she think this is 2005 or something? Something seems fishy here…

*gay-gasp* I wonder if Timbo never changed the partnership agreement and finally used his controlling interest in the business to force Kathy out, and now she’s leaving California because she can no longer afford to live there! If she’s not at HairLab and drawing her paltry salary, then that’s more money for Tim to spend on stuff! And maybe Miss Mazi is his secret lover who all this time has been the one really controlling the salon! Ew.

Oh well, I guess whatever they want to say, that’s their business, but it just looks really suspicious to me. Then again, I am kinda suspicious by nature (it just comes naturally, like a dash of fabulousness).

After all the fireworks, I would have thought the last person Tabatha would want to chat with would be Miss Mazi, but she seems a lot calmer…

…perhaps she flirted with a non-gay client for once and actually got some…

Mazi says things have actually been pretty good and she interviews “When Tabatha told me ‘don’t scream, don’t shout’… you know what? She’s right. I could keep my own personality but in a low-key…” Wellllll, okay. That still really doesn’t address the whole “raging-bitch-syndrome” you’ve been perpetrating, but I guess baby steps is all we can ask for. So she’s probably still being just as big of a bitch, only more quietly.

Lady Tabatha says she is surprised that Kathy is leaving as well (I’m thinking she’s suspicious, too) but hopes that if Tim keeps up the leadership, then HairLab could become really successful. I just hope Kathy doesn’t wind up in the middle of Dustbowl Part Two… *shudder*

And wow, we are coming to the end of this series Gasmii, as next week’s show is the Season Finale! Bravo is billing it as the “biggest meltdown yet” but all it looks like to me is a blubbering whiner, so I’m not getting my hopes up. Miss Mazi was the bestest drama to happen to this show since Gargantuan Gap-Toothed Tracheotomy-Tat Hag Stacey a few weeks back…

So what did you think of this episode? Do you have your own personal Mazi where you work? Could you get away with soliciting kisses from your clients? Do you want to compulsively wash your hands repeatedly after watching Mazi-In-Action? Me too.

Until next time…

love, J-Mo