Salon Takeover With Tabatha: How To Fail In Business By Not Really Trying

Sometimes I sit in my cubicle at work and stare off into space having one of my many Lottery Fantasies… one of which involves having my own adult film production company (mercifully for you, O Beloved Gasmii, I will not go into detail about it other than to say it would feature hefty men like my boyfriend and a variety of lubricating substances). However, some of my more G-rated ideas have been along the lines of owning my own dance club (called “J-Mo’s Disco Heaven”) or my own restuarant (called “J-Mo’s Deep-Fried-Nirvana”) or my own religion (called “J-Mo-ism”… our Golden Rule would be “Do Unto Others Nicely Or You’ll Get A Great Big Karmic Bitchslap”). I could conceivably make a decent go at any of these businesses because I have experience that would prepare me to run all of them… or maybe even a combination of all three… a disco restaurant church… hmmmm….

…on the other hand, while I like getting my hair colored and cut, I think I’d probably make a hysterically terrible hair salon owner, cuz I’d have no flippin’ clue what I was doing whatsoever. On tonight’s episode of Salon Takeover With Tabatha, we meet a woman who stupidly forged ahead with this exact Lottery Fantasy anyhow (minus the much-needed Lottery Win as a backup cushion) and she nearly inspires Tabatha Coffey to violence! Let’s make some popcorn, have some cheap wine and watch the bitchslapping together after the jump…Tonight’s show is back on Da Left Coast again (I mistakenly thought that the salon name “The Loft On Broadway” was in New York City). It turns out that The Loft is on Broadway in downtown Long Beach, California (heyyy, I wonder if they know Kwanna and Company over at Circle Ten?… assuming they haven’t gone under by now.) Anyhow, The Loft is owned and operated (after a fashion) by Tami Down. Boy, is she in over her squat, chunky head! She is not a hairdresser and has no idea how to run her own salon, and her staff is running amok…

…”Let’s play ‘There’s Something About Mary’ again! I’ll be Cameran Diaz!!”…

“I don’t wanna discipline my team,” says Tami, “They’re adults, they should know what they should be doing…” Yes, Tami, and apparently, getting paid by you to lounge around all day is what they feel they should be doing. You are a dream boss, hon, but you’re going to be eating Meow Mix on Ry-Krisp for dinner if you’re not careful…

…oh wait! I spoke too soon… she apparently is already having Panburger Partner (minus the burger) because she has been having to borrow money from her mother every month! Tami’s mommy must not be Catholic or Jewish, the GPR (guilt percentage rate) alone would have deterred her from making such a foolish and Zoloft-necessitating decision. I guess she needs to do something, cuz her most experienced stylist Richie says if things keep going as they are, Tami and her family are going to be homeless, “…and I’m going to be doing hair in my kitchen!”

…as well as his eyebrows in the dark, apparently…

I’m just kidding, Richie is actually one of the few voices of reason and experience in the madpit asylum that is “The Loft”. You’ll see what I mean as we venture into…

SALON UNDERCOVER

For some reason, Tabatha is all alone watching the “hidden camera” footage tonight. I’m not exactly sure why, but it’s kind of funny because she’s talking to herself the whole time and getting really animated, but you can kinda tell she feels sorta stupid doing it, too.

One of the first glimpses of Tami’s staff would have sent me running and screaming for my life…

…ugh, Crappy Crayola Hairâ„¢…

Can anybody explain to me why a hair-stylist, who is arguably their own best advertisement for their skills, would sport such an ugly color? I have never been able to get my mind around seeing people walking around with that dirty toxic dark blue coloring in their hair. If you’re going to go for an unnatural color, fucking go for it, don’t pussyfoot around, make it vivid and make it stand OUT…

…it helps if you have these glasses, too…

Anyhow, Tabatha has sent in three undercover clients to pose as, well, clients. The first thing she notices is that owner Tami is chewing gum like she’s Flo “Kiss My Grits” Castleberry on Alice. Lady T calls it “unattractive and unprofessional”. I always think of it more along the lines of “heifer-like”, myself. I really only excuse it if I’m at a “themed” restaurant like Ed Debevic’s, and even then, if the waitress is cracking her gum, it makes me want to punch her in the puss.

Here’s one of Lady T’s Undercover Angels talking with a stylist about coloring her hair. In a blatant show of hospitality he offers her something to drink… water, coffee, wine, beer? BEER!?!? Okay, The Loft sounds like a much funner place to visit now… probably also more litigation-prone, but, hey, I’m not Tami. The client seems a tad surprised to be offered alcohol as she’s about to be worked on (I would find that a tad suspicious, too) and Tabatha is not impressed as she remarks “Cheap wine in plastic glasses is not a good combination!”

…unless you’re, like, really into date rape or something…

Another stylist, who is sporting that hideous blonde-over-black-hair look that fairly screams “cheap grainy 4-hour porn compilation” is in the process of applying color to a client’s hair, and she gracelessly tilts the bottle and splashes some of the glorp off of the woman’s head… Tabatha is horrified at her “throwing color on” like that. “I could give a child a bottle of color and they could slap it on someone’s head and probably do a cleaner job!” She is also amazed that this girl is brushing the client’s hair while it’s both wet and full of color. Yeah, wouldn’t that gunk up your brush kinda? Hope she doesn’t get anybody with dark hair sitting at her chair, they’re likely to end up with unintended highlights…

More gum-chewing by another stylist (*gasp*), and still another is applying bleached blonding to a client whose hair is already frighteningly brittle from overprocessing. This woman is likely to start screaming the first time she brushes her hair after this color-job and finds giant clumps of it breaking off (okay, maybe that was just me… I had really overprocessed and overcolored hair in the 80′s). Several other stylists are sitting around with no clients and nothing to do, while Tami putzes around downstairs at the reception desk, her mom’s latest loan swirling down the drain and into these people’s pockets.

Ugh, and the worst yet (hinted at in the previews) Miss Black’N'Blonde’s chair is surrounded by mounds of clippings from a previous client… and yet she has still seated a new client… without sweeping up the old hair. Barf-o-rama!

…ugh, looks like the remains of ‘manscaping’…

That’s it, Tabatha is through, and she’s going to march on over there and kick some lazy butts!

THE TAKEOVER

Marching in, Tami greets Tabatha, who immediately ignores her outstretched hand and commands her to follow upstairs while a royal reaming takes place. When she comes around the corner and halts everyone, Richie recognizes her instantly, and the look on Mr. Mark Gum-Chewer’s face instantly tells me who he spends his weekends impersonating…

…something tells me this ain’t Mark’s first time at the rodeo, neither!…

She gives the same litany as the last five times, and quite honestly that whole “someone may get fired” thing holds no promise of drama for me, because if anybody deserved to get fired it was, well, absolutely everyone from Images Salon two weeks ago, and that didn’t happen, so I’m not holding my breath… but Stylist Kelsey sure is worried and seems to think she’s gonna get canned. Hell, honey, there are way less skilled people standing within 10 feet of you, simmer down!

The sad thing is that while this whole diatribe is going on, and her staff is being dressed down, Tami’s just kind of smiling and giggling about it. Way to take your business seriously there, I hope you enjoy living with your mom and making Top Ramen every night for the next 30 years.

Beginning her Drill Sargeant Duties, she strides right over to Mark and demands that he spit out his gum in her hand! Ewie. I know that sounds terrible coming from me, who has met complete strangers and been involved in some form of oral congress within mere minutes, but there is just something really icky about ABC gum…

…Mark is lucky she didn’t swat him a good one on the head right after!…

Mark says “I may never chew gum again.” I bet he can still swallow, though. Which is exactly what Tami did with her gum, probably as Tabatha began her anti-gum crusade through The Loft, because suddenly T-girl whirled about and asked her for it, indicating she had seen her chewing it earlier as she was greeting clients. You know that’s gonna stay in your tummy for seven years, don’t you Tami?

Anyhow, let’s look at some of the work these people have done. Focusing in on Melanie (the blonde-over-black pornlet) Tabatha immediately zeroes in on color stains on the client’s neck. Melanie doesn’t think it looks so bad, and she interviews “It’s not like I intentionally mess up people’s hair and let them walk out the door and say ‘Oh well’, you know, ‘Too bad!’” No, I’d imagine she gets in a pretty good-sized evil cackle and drops a “Sucka!” while she pockets her tips. This statement alone tells me that Melanie is aware she is screwing people’s hair up, and I wonder why that is…

…ah, well, she may have only 4 months experience in cutting hair, but I’m guessing she’s got years under her belt making blowjobfaces…

Tabatha also points out that the girl’s hair is unevenly cut on each side of her hair. Melanie bitchily snarls “What am I supposed to do with shorter layers already in the front?” Ah, ah, ah, Melanie, I detected a bit of a white-girl head-bob-and-weave there… don’t forget you’re an amateur dealing with a pro here, Tabby’s likely to come ba- “Cut it to be even! How’s that for a concept? Do a precision haircut so it’s even!” snaps Tabatha. Sorry, Mel, I tried to warn you. After a few moments of unsuccessfully attempting to stare Tabatha down, Melanie says “Okay.”

Now it’s Mark’s turn to get roasted as Tabatha clocks his scissor-phobia. He admits he’s much stronger in coloring than he is in cutting, and is definitely afraid to cut too much hair off. Mark gets a little sassy, too, as he interviews, “I kinda felt like, who are you to walk into a place you know nothing about and start pointing the finger!”

…Mark, honey, you’re lucky all she did with that finger was point…

Now she’s moved on to the uneven coloring job performed by worried stylist Kelsey, and Lady T thinks it looked better before she got her hands on it! Kelsey is a crier, and we all know how Tabatha is about tears (set forth in episode #1). Kelsey is embarrassed about being called out in front of a client, and says she’s disappointed in herself more than anything…

…walk it off, Kels!…

“I don’t cry.” says Tabatha not unkindly, “so tears are not acceptable for me, and they’re not acceptable for a client.” Amazingly, Kelsey dries right up! Hmmmm, something tells me she’s a Chronic Cry-ey Face if she can turn it on and off that quickly, and those kind of employees are the boogers at the end of your business’s finger… you can flick as hard as you want to, and they still hang on (sometimes until you go and get the Kleenex of a Restraining Order).

THE INSPECTION

Lady T now commands Tami to give her the tour of the joint. Before they even get started, Tabatha is noticing the giant colony of cobwebs and dust covering their fake plants. Tami just giggles. Next up, Tami says “And here are our messy sinks!” They sure are messy, as they’re clogged with hair, and there is color splattered all over the place. The cabinet where they keep their tubes of color is also a huge splotchety box of crappo. Tami just giggles some more and completely agrees with Tabatha that it’s a nightmare. “Tami clearly knows it’s a mess in here, and yet she does absolutely nothing! What the hell?!??!”

…I guess The Loft is where you can get your hair dyed “Blonetteâ„¢”…

There is even has a manicure area (four stations, all empty) where the sink is coated in chemicals and dead skin cells. Tabatha says she is absolutely “gobsmacked” by how filthy the place is. I love that word! Tami interviews that she knows it’s not clean enough and admits that she doesn’t stay until midnight every night cleaning because she’s tired. Tabatha has seen enough and declares a 10:00am staff meeting the next day, where she’s going to give her opinions… “And I will be honest with you… and sometimes you won’t like it!” Well, that’s what we live for, Tabby!

Ahhh, after a refreshing evening of sleeping upside-down (or whatever Tabatha does to repose) she revisits The Loft to meet up with Tami and find out exactly why this woman seems to be intent on joining the throngs filing bankruptcy at this very moment. Turns out Tami’s picture could be in the dictionary next to the word “denial” because that is the supreme state of her being…

…”Why are you here? Why am I here?”…

Tabatha starts with a few questions every good salon owner should know the answer to (that is, if they’re interested at all in staying in the salon industry as opposed to joining the ranks of Faceless Uninspired Corporate Office Workers, or FUCOWs… and don’t get mad at my acronyms, I’m stuck being one of ‘em, too). Lady T wants to know how many clients Tami has, how many new clients come in every week, how much her manicurist area is pulling in. Tami has no idea. The only thing she does know for sure is that she’s not pulling in enough money to live off of (she says she’s living with her boyfriend and “He pays for everything.”… what a lucky guy he is!) and then admits to Tabatha that she borrows money from Dear Old Mom. “I hate asking, but…” Yeah, but every month, somehow she overcomes this hatred enough to score $1500.00 from mom’s checkbook. Niiiiice.

Tami interviews that she’s borrowed money from several sources, actually, and that now she needs to move out of the country and go into hiding. I’d say that’s a good plan, and your mother would likely be the most relieved of all, Tami!…

…the face of willful ignorance is never pretty (but it does have highlights!)…

Lady T is demanding to know why Tami owns a salon in the first place, and it turns out that Tami didn’t want a salon, she wanted a spa, because she had “helped people” run their spas and do marketing for them, and when she saw The Loft, she saw the potential for it to grow, and thought that “if the ‘hair part’ didn’t work out then I would make it into a spa…” Interesting concept, that. If the main income-generator of my business fails, I’ll just change it over to something else…. with what?!?!? Sorry, Tami seems kinda sweet… but ultimately kinda stupid, too.

She also can’t understand why the stylists cannot just run themselves, because she doesn’t want to have to be their mommy. She insists that she wants the salon to work, but she’s saying it with her eyes half-closed and in a really dull, dead tone of voice. Kinda like when you’re dating someone and you tell them that you love them, and you’re giving them full eye-contact (and possibly a blowjob) and they’re reclining and watching a rerun of “Bewitched” or “Family Feud” and they glance at you for half a second and say “Yeah, right back atcha babe!… oh, and uh, little less teeth there, if you don’t mind?” It’s just really hard to put stock in someone’s words when they’re giving you no indication of any sincerity whatsoever. It’s also really hard to put Band-Aids all over your penis…

Tami is one of those really frustrating and annoying and infuriating kind of people who just sit back and say “Yeah, you’re right, I guess I’m a bad business owner…” and go right back to organizing their Post-It Note pads, arranging them in the desk drawer according to hue. She is just standing there shaking her head as Tabatha tries to get some kind of idea of why all of this has happened, and claims she doesn’t have any of the answers… it is really pushing Tabatha to the breaking point…

“Tami, I’m not a violent person… but I want to just beat the living hell out of you!” Tami’s still smiling like she thinks Lady T is joking. Next thing you know, she’s clapped her hand to the side of her head with a shocked look on her face as blood begins to pour through her fingers and we see Tabatha chewing on her severed left ear and snarling “Next time, gimme some answers, bitch!” Ok, no that didn’t really happen, but I was starting to find the fantasy disturbingly pleasant to envision…

STAFF MEETING

This time around, instead of it being staff-only, Tabatha has Tami sit in on the meeting so she can hear exactly what her people really think of her hands-off style of management. Markoan Crawford says he can’t stand when some of the staff wander in 20-30 minutes late and their clients have been sitting and waiting for them…

…girl, I totally feel you on that one!…

Miss BlueHair says there’s no structure, especially for those who work on commission, and admits she sometimes leaves early. I’m guessing it’s not to go wash her hair. Richie clocks that people will do as little as they can there and totally get away with it, pointing out that at other salons he’s worked at, if you’re five minutes late, you lost your money for the day and have to go home (and Tabatha is nodding her head vigorously, as it seems that’s how she runs her joint).

Tami pipes up that she wants the clients to be happy and the stylists to be happy, she just wants everyone to be happy… “If you take advantage of me, you’re the one who has to live with yourself at night!” Um, Tami-honey, judging from the vast working experience at my disposal, people generally don’t feel bad about taking advantage of a weak manager, they just do it and do it until someone puts a stop to it… or fires them (and then they are always so bitter and wonder what happened, which always makes me giggle). Anyhow, she just doesn’t want to have to tell people that they’re not doing a good job. Tami should really quit the salon business and go into daycare, where the worst thing she’d have to chastise people for would be eating someone else’s cookies or pooping in their pants.

So, DUH, they need a hairdresser who is going to manage the hairdressing part of the business, and now Tabatha is saying that if they dress as a team, they will work as a team, and that they need to go downstairs and get their new uniforms. What?!??! I’m not sure I understand this whole thing, she’s never done that before (like, especially at Images a couple of weeks ago when the bitches could have used some slightly less hoochie-mama clothing). Looks like Pornlet Melanie isn’t exactly featuring the uniform idea, either…

…don’t worry, MelMel, I’m sure whatever it is you can make it look slutty…

…and hoo-boy, the “uniform” consists of teal polo-shirts and black aprons. Looks like my faith in Melly-Mel was well placed, too, as she’s already practicing her “Stylists Gone Wild” dance audition…

…now all this salon needs is a pole…

THE ASSESSMENT

Lady T has once again produced some paid extras (I’m not striking through it anymore, let’s face it, that’s exactly what they are) who have come armed with photos of celebrities. Pornlet Melanie has landed a creepy looking guy who has a picture of Adam Brody. Cry-Ey Kelsey’s client wants to look like Kelly Clarkson (minus the extra weight) and Markoan Crawford’s client appears to have a less-psychotic photo of Denise Richards.

Mel’s consultation failed to get a true look at the client’s neckline without his jacket on, Kelsey failed to notice the black hair-dye streaked throughout her model’s hair and Mark continued his scissorphobia ways. Surprisingly, Tabatha wasn’t really super-hard on them about these things… and one person whose consult she WAS impressed with is Richie, whose client has a cheesy photo of a creepily grinning Reese Witherspoon…

Tell ya who’s not impressing T-girl… yup, you guessed it! Poor Pornlet Melanie (and her vast 4 months of experience). Tabatha wants to know why she didn’t bother to wash her grubby boy-client’s hair before cutting it, instead of just spraying it down with water…

…my God, you’d think she’d have wanted to wash this greasy mop, if only for her own continued health…

Melanie sasses back “I guess I should have… but…”, and she trails off. This earns her a Death Glareâ„¢ from Lady T, who skillfully stifles her urge to throttle the girl and asks what Mel needs to do to finish off the haircut. PornoMel says “I was cross-checking all of it right now, I hadn’t even got to the very front of it yet, but you can go ahead!” Oooh, the White-Girl-Head-Bob’N'Weaveâ„¢ is creeping back in again!

In a very dry voice, Tabatha replies, “Right, so besides the ‘cross-checking’, do you always have an attitude like that, or is it just reserved for me?”…

…Hmmmm, I think it’s like Janet Jackson said, this is “all for youuuu”…

She’s not getting a response other than that curled-in upper-lip, so she continues, “Do you speak to Tami like this?” Finally, Mel responds with “No.” T-girl explains, “The reality is, you’ve only been hairdressing for four months, and I understand that, but I don’t know if you know what you’re doing.” Pornlet Mel interviews “When Tabatha told me I had an attitude…. I did!”, and she grins real big! LOLZ at Melanie, I have to love her spunk, just like she’s prolly gonna have to learn to love it, too, albeit of a different kind. Anyhow, she continues “Who’s not gonna get defensive? Who’s not gonna get mad? Who’s not gonna get pissed off and wanna just say… fuck you!”

She does have a slight point here, because Tabatha is expounding “From what your haircut’s showing me, you have no idea what you’re doing whatsoever… or do you? Prove me wrong!” Pornlet Melanie is just plain shutting down, “Well, obviously I can’t! I just did a haircut and you said I don’t know what I’m doing!” I gotta admit, I think she’s probably embarrassed to have someone say that to her right in front of this paid extra, you know? Tabatha avers that Melanie is useless to her and “should be sweeping the floor.” Ouch.

Okay, except y’know, if you’re gonna be trying to be a professional in an artistic/beauty-related field like hairdressing, you really should just check your ego at the door when you’re just out of beauty school and soak up any shred of knowledge that comes your way from more experienced stylists… Giant Bitch or not, if Tabatha Coffey is standing in front of you and offering you help, for God’s sake, suck it up, roll over, bite the pillow, take a Hydrocodone and get those tips and tricks! You can always throw something at her later on if you’re still mad (and Pornlet Mel looks like she’s an expert at staying mad about stuff).

Heading downstairs Tabatha notices Tami blew off her directive to actually talk to some of the clients, maybe try to get them something to drink (besides boxed wine and Bud Light) and possibly convince some of them to come back when the cameras aren’t around. Tami says she had to go down and answer the phones. Lady T says she’s tired of all of Tami’s excuses. Tami just stares at her patiently (and bovinely) and says nothing. “Nothing! Crickets!” says Tabatha. Tami continues to stare. Tabatha’s redlining, I can see it from my couch, and before she winds up a guest of the LBPD, she smartly walks away, giving this parting shot…

…True dat!…

Can I just stop for a moment and complain that the upcoming Real Housewives Of Atlanta look to be the absolute worst of the bunch yet? As grating and annoying as they are, at least the OC bitches mostly have careers (excluding Jo De La Rosa) and the NYC bitches have their charity and fundraising/social climbing crap… these bitches just look like a bunch of tacky nouveau-riche gold-diggers (and I think it’s hysterical that the Jessica-Simpson-wannabee’s rich boyfriend did not want to be on the show at all). Sorry, I just think it’s going to be a trainwreck… and I can’t wait! (*making cutesy devil-horns*)

Okay, it’s time to look at the results of the stylists’ work. Tabatha actually says that Pornlet Mel got the right “feel for the end result”, and the guy looks way less creepy…

…she must have also used some bronzer on him, he looks a tad less vampirical…

Moving on to Markoan Crawford, he didn’t actually cut his client’s hair to the desired length she wanted! The client herself says she’s bothered by the fact that he didn’t cut it off to how she wanted it… but she does like the coloring job (Markoan’s forte, obviously).

Cry-ey Kelsey actually did a great job with her client’s color, too, but Lady T notices the length on each side of the client’s head is still a tad uneven (bring on the hysterics!) but she tells her overall it’s “a nice improvement” and gently touches her on the arm. Kelsey looks like she’s ready to blubber again. I look like I’m ready for some Cheetos and a beer.

Lastly, Tabatha thinks that Richie did a great job with his client, who brought in the cheesy-grinned Reese Witherspoon photo… I totally busted out laughing the first time I saw this comparison, it’s not that he did a bad job, it’s just a rather jarring dynamic compared to the original photograph… see what I mean here…

…well, I guess everybody wants to look like Reesey…*sigh*… including me…

Still, she looks quite pretty, and Richie obviously knows what he’s doing. Addressing the gathered stylists, Tabatha runs through the same old same old (she has a better idea of what their skills are, she’s hoping to recommend someone to step up and be manager, someone may not be working there at the end of the week, everybody seemed to take direction well except for Pornlet Melanie, etc. etc.)

Regarding Melly-Mel, Tabatha asks her directly, “Do you feel like you learned from today?” Mel gives her a “Mm-hmm.” Oop! Not good enough for Lady T! “Would that be a ‘yes’?” she prods… Melanie gives her a “Yes.” TabbyKat meows back “If someone speaks to you, it’s nice to answer them.” Melanie looks as though she’d like to answer with a Lady Smith & Wesson. Instead, everybody just goes home.

It’s the next day and Tabatha has decided to give Tami a makeover! I’d have said that she really should have done that for Pornlet Melanie, but I’m guessing she didn’t trust herself with a sharp object near the girl’s neck. Come to think of it, though, taking into account that whole “I’d like to beat the living hell out of you!” comment, perhaps Tami is taking her life in her hands, too.

…she does look a little nervous, no?…

“Fifty million colors in the hair doesn’t make a great hair color… more of a toffee/caramel color would look great on your skin tone!” she consults. Mmmm, I loves me some toffee and caramel… where is that bag of Heath Bar Bites I bought? I’ll be right back.

Tabatha offers her coffee or tea, or a magazine while she’s being worked on. Tami giggles like the thought never occurred to her. I’m giggling because I found me a whole bag of Heath Bar Bites, and there is currently a litter of wrappers at my feet that the kitties are playing hide-and-go-seek in… I can feel my teeth gently rotting. Life is good.

Back to the show, while she has her captive, Tabatha takes time to discuss possibly turning the useless and unused “manicurist area” into a plush waiting room for the clients, and suggests that Tami hire a receptionist (maybe she can ask mom for the money! just kidding, T-girl would never suggest that).

As Tabatha goes to wash out her color tray, she’s looking in the fridge for some water and sees the stockpile of wine and beer. Richie is back there, too, and T-girl asks him what’s up with all the beer? “Uh, lotsa parties and lots of afternoon drinking and lots of beer for the client and a beer for you and a beer for the client and a beer for you… and by the end of the day everybody’s having a great time!” Nobody’s making money, but everybody is drunk. Yay! To be honest, there are days when I think it would be so great to kick back at work and have a Friday afternoon beer or a Margarita (or a Green Iguana, which is a Margarita with a splash of Midori added to it, and is one of my favorite things in the world besides John Goodman and Kraft Macaroni & Cheese) but we can’t because it’s called a “termination offense” at my job. And really, who wants to have Pornlet Mel drunk and coming at you with clippers? Nuh-uh, not moi!

…like, what if your gynecologist had a “party fridge” like this?…

Tabatha is trying to psyche Tami up for actually having some backbone and enforcing some professionalism in the salon, and makes the analogy that if someone is stealing your wallet, you’re going to stop them, and disciplining her staff is akin to keeping someone from stealing her wallet. Of course, if someone tries to steal my wallet, they’re going to wind up with a size 10½ Skecher boot lodged in their anus. Okay, no, not really, I love my Skechers too much to do that, but they could have some really bad scratch marks that could get infected or something…

Tami says she never thought of it that way, and I see a dim bulb attempting to flicker into life over her head. God, woman, pull your shit together and handle it! Cuz now Tabatha is leaning in and quietly asking her about the staff drinking during the day. Tami thinks it’s only been after work, but Tabatha insists it’s been going on during work hours. “I need to be up here more.” says Tami. Duh. Either that, or wait for the eventual appearance of a process server downstairs.

And now Tami’s makeover is done!…

…well, at least she likes it!…

Ummmm, well, it’s better than her “fifty-million color” job from before, but it just looks like a big brown football helmet to me. Looking at Cry-ey Kelsey’s model, Lady T says her coloring job was great! Kelsey smiles real big, but I still think she’s gonna cry again. Moving on to Markoan Crawford, he’s actually cut some hair off his client!! But not quite enough… so Tabatha is going to help him finish it off, because his client is in a rock band, and she needs Lady T to make her more rockin’!

Shyly, Markoan Crawford cuts his eyes away from her brilliance in action and says “Can you stay?” Awww, how sweet! Now all of the stylists are gathering to watch her work on this young woman, as Tabatha says that at the end of the day she can barely walk because she’s given a piece of herself to each and every client she’s worked on… I would have said that her fatigue was because it takes so much energy to be so bitchy all the time, but po-tay-toe, po-tah-toe…

She’s continuing in this vein with, “They get my heart, because it’s what I love to do… so every client, it’s all about them… I honestly feel it… it comes from in here *gestures to vagina* with me…” As her words become more halting, she stops and flaps a hand at her eyes…

…OMG, is she actually misting up?…

HA! I toldja! No tear ducts. She says “I’m not gonna cry… I’m joking… I’m joking!” The staff all crack up (‘cept for Cry-ey Kelsey, who was getting wet-eyed in sympathy, and is now bitterly disappointed at not really having a weepy-sister in the house).

MARKETING MATTERS

Now Lady T and Tami are going for a stroll around the neighborhood to talk about how best to market The Loft… they pass by another salon, and Tabatha points it out to her and says “That’s not competition to me, because you should be the best salon in the area!” Well, it’s rather easy to see why this poor little salon isn’t really competition for The Loft… I mean, look at it!…

…as if the gaudy neon and the twirling barber-pole wasn’t enough to set it apart…

She stops by a coffee shop and a bridal shop and suggests that Tami go in and introduce herself and see if she can’t get some cross-promotional business. Duh, especially for the bridal shop. Of course, the owner of the bridal shop is thrilled with this innovative and original idea to use The Loft for bridal packages of hairstyling… plus they can get snockered there and maybe puke cheap wine on their wedding dress! Everybody wins!

THE REOPENING

Of course, Tabatha has worked her magic (i.e., a team of unsung and uncredited designers, painters, carpenters, drywallers, electricians, plumbers and sundry gays have worked it for her) and transformed The Loft into a brand new sizzling hotbed of hair-ography! Of course, upon viewing the new salon, Markoan Crawford gays out all over the place…

…jeez, looking like she just saw Mr. Rat on her lunch tray!…

Of course there is a chorus of “Oh My GAWD!”s and “Ho Lee SHIT!”s as the return to… a new wood floor. Big whoop. They could have “transformed” The Loft almost as much by just running a hot mop over that floor, the sparkle alone would have blinded everyone in Long Beach…

Tabatha also deemed the “manicure area” to be useless and says that “it wasn’t making any money!” So she changed it into a lounge for the clients to lay around and read magazines in… still not making any money…

…unless someone were to start a forgery press in here…

…but, eh, it looks nicer and it’s better than having people wait around standing up. Okay, the salon really does look fabulous, if a bit sterile, but I’m sure after a new layer of spiderwebs and hair-balls and dust builds up, it’ll have more of a “lived-in” feel to it. Richie says they were working in “a dungeon-hole” for a while, so it was nice to see some color and some warmth… although I’d be willing to bet that Richie-boy has seen a “dungeon-hole” or two in his lifetime… by choice. *wink*

Here come the day’s “full book” of clients! Everybody is doing a great job, Richie, Cry-ey Kelsey, Markoan Crawford… even Pornlet Melanie seems to be doing a decent job… (she interviews that she tried on a new attitude and wanted to prove to Tabatha that she could do more than “just fuck up.” Classy as always, Melly!) And Tami is actually going around and speaking with the clients. She looks really uncomfortable doing it, too! Tabatha even sprung for an assistant-shampoo-girl and a receptionist… This way Tami can micromanage more efficiently and ruthlessly! Once she gets a taste for it, her staff are going to rue the day Tabatha stepped through their doors…

FINAL JUDGMENT

The stylists have all been outside key-keying about who’s going to get promoted, and who’s gonna get the axe. Pornlet Melanie thinks it’s gonna be her. Cry-ey Kelsey hopes it’s Pornlet Melanie, too. No, just kidding, actually Kelsey doesn’t want anybody to go because she thinks they all make a great team together. Then she cries some more. Girl, get some Kleenex, you got a great big snotblob hangin’ out your left nostril!

So, it’s really no surprise that Tabatha says Cry-ey Kelsey has come a long, long way from the stylist who burst into tears at the beginning of the week, she’s improved a lot, and that she should stay the same in her pricing. For Markoan Crawford, Tabatha thinks he should raise his coloring prices by 10%, but his haircutting prices should stay the same. Half-a-Yay! Or, I guess, Ya!

It’s also a great big Duh-Hoo-OY moment when Tabatha singles out none other than Richie to be the new “creative director” of The Loft (on recommendation). Richie is quite excited by this news…

…”Her-cu-LEEZ! Her-cu-LEEZ!”…

I bet he didn’t even get a raise, though, especially for the bushel of shit he’s gonna have to put up with now from the likes of BlueHair and Pornlet Mel, but he says if he can be a good liaison between Tami and the stylists, they’ll all make more money, and he’s willing to be “the bad guy” if that’s what it takes. You go, girl!

Lastly, we come to our little Pornlet Melanie. Tabatha references her recent graduation from beauty school, and that she needs to work on… well… everything. Lady T says it made it very difficult to try and teach her anything, because she thought she already knew everything… “and unfortunately you don’t!” T-girl says it was a difficult decision, because initially she was either going to let her go (ha, right!) or put her at the sinks as permanent shampoo-girl… but our Miz Coffey says she “saw something” in Melly-Mel today… she was “much nicer” in her attitude, and kind of “grew up a little bit”… so she’s recommending that Melanie be made a junior stylist under supervision until her skills improve.

In front of everyone, Pornlet Melanie blows a great big sigh of relief… but privately she interviews, “You know, having Tabatha tell me she wants me to become a junior stylist… I’m fine with that, I know I have a lot to learn, and I’m willing… I wasn’t too worried to be honest with you!”, and she drops a crafty little wink!…

…you sly Pornlet, you!…

LOL, she’s prolly Tami’s daughter or something… At any rate, as the Guitar Of Optimism plays peppy melodies, Tabatha says her goodbyes and warns them she could come back at any time…

…”Smell ya later, beyotch!”…

FOUR WEEKS LATER

My heart leaped at this… only four weeks? Could it be that we’re coming down to the end of this season? I hope so… this whole “recapping two shows per week” thing has been wearing my fat ass out, so while I loves me some Tabatha Coffey, I could really go for a break from the bitch…

…and it looks like Lady T has been laying out somewhere tropical, because she’s become quite tan all of a sudden! Bitch. She revisits The Loft a month after she left and finds everyone in good spirits… and no teal-blue polos! (Interesting.) Richie says the clients have responded very positively to the new changes in the salon, “They say it looks like it went from a grocery store to a high-end salon, they’re very excited for us!”

Tami says that everything is wonderful, everyone is pitching in, and instead of hiring a full-time receptionist, she’s having the salon staff rotate and put in small 4 hour shifts on the front desk to answer the phones and sell retail product… which is actually a smarter solution than Tabatha’s idea of hiring a whole separate person (I think)! All right for thinking around the corner on that one, Tami!

She goes on to say that she’s not really having to “crack the whip”, but that the staff are taking the initiative and pitching in because it’s good for the entire team. Best of all, she hasn’t had to borrow any more money from her mother, either. She also doesn’t mention paying back any of what she already got, but that’s really not our problem…

Even better still, Tami says they’ve been getting new clients, and they even had a staff meeting… all by themselves! How does Tabatha react to this news?…

…”I’m gobsmacked!”…

LOL, I think that’s my new favorite word. Along with “fat-ass” and “lubricant”. Anyhow, yeah, Tami sure is motivated, and is scheduling classes for the stylists to bone up on their skills so there will be less “fucked up” hair going out the door (in the parlance of Pornlet Melanie).

Speaking of Melanie, she’s nowhere to be found! What happened? Tabatha questions Richie on her whereabouts, “Did you fire her?” she says expectantly. “No, this is her normal day off.” LOL at Tabatha’s face falling a little… Richie says she’s actually doing much much better. Actually, I think Melanie was the most interesting person this whole show!

Cry-ey Kelsey even stopped crying so much, and Richie’s having great success getting Tami to take his suggestions for how to help the salon run better, and she’s actually listening to him! Now I’m gonna cry.

And that’s it! Yay for happy endings! Next week, it looks like we’re in… Miami? We have this boobilicious cougar/stylist who keeps hitting on all her clients to look forward to…

…Busty Latina Love…

Looks like it’s going to be filled with tears and fighting! Just like this week! What did you think of this episode? Have any of you Angeleno Gasmii been down to The Loft ever? Would you have trusted your hair to Pornlet Melanie? Do you bet a zillion dollars that Mark has done drag before?

love, J-Mo