Salon Takeover With Tabatha: Finale: Like A Candolyn Dawind

Boy, it has been a long and strange eight weeks, hasn’t it? Never in life did I think I would have the opportunity to see so many walking doormat salon owners, poorly skilled colorists, badly-hygiened cutters and downright stupid support staff. We’ve seen just about every kind of managenent style, too… starting with the Micro- Variety (Kwanna at Circle Ten) to the Cheap Variety (Vile Mikey at De Cielo) to the Porno Variety (Martino at Giovanni & Pileggio) to the Slutty Variety (Josephine at Images) to the Spoiled Bratty Variety (Tara & Kristin at Tika) to the Absent Variety (Tami at The Loft) and winding up at the Victim Variety (Kathy at HairLab)… but whether you identify with an MV, a CV, a PV, an SV, an SBV, an AV or a V², there’s still one management style that has not been featured on this show…

…the Totally Insane Nutjob Variety…

This is Candolyn. She gives scary blowjobface. I don’t live anywhere near her, but I just got up and locked my doors all the same. I urge all of you Angeleno Gasmii to do this, too, because on tonight’s final episode of Salon Takeover With Tabatha, we are going to see and hear way more about Miss CandyLand than anyone is comfortable with. Oh, and she cries. A lot. Like, all the time. She’s probably still crying right now as I type this. Bring a poncho and join me after the jump, K?So, tonight’s final episode is focusing in on Miss Candolyn Sabido, owner of Candolyn’s Salon in downtown Los Angeles, and Miss Tabatha Coffey is somewhere close by and calling the salon on her cell phone. Janice, the receptionist answers, and when Lady T asks to speak to Candolyn, Janice tells her she’s not available and offers to take a message. Tabatha declines and says it’s a personal call and she needs to speak to Candolyn. Janice calmly hangs up on her.

…Strike One…

“She hung up on me… Fantastic!” says Lady T and calls right back. When Janice answers again T-girl tells her she was just hung up on and repeats that she wants to speak with Candolyn. Now Janice wants to know who is calling. Tabatha declines to identify herself and repeats that it is a personal call for Candolyn. Apparently Janice discovered that the big red “HOLD” button would be appropriate to use at this point because eventually Candolyn picks up the call. Tabatha asks her to meet outside, and Candolyn responds “Okay, darlin’!” and goes outside.

…”I don’t need this shit when I’m PMSing…”…

Tabatha is already in a bad mood now as she tallies, “Receptionists that hang up, and now I’m her darling… good times!” Ooooh, this is gonna be gooooood. Let’s join them for…

SALON UNDERCOVER

CandyLand says she wanted Tabatha to come and Take Over because she wants to be proud of Candolyn’s again and admits she knows the salon looks as tired as she does (word!) and does not want to go into further debt to spruce it up (not like she could expect to get any further credit these days). She already owes over $106,000.00 between her business and personal debts. Alls I can say is, bitch betta not be driving a Hummer…

She goes on to say she’s given up because she feels beat up daily by her staff (and starts crying) and says that they are “taking things” from her, such as supplies, blow-dryers, her soul, etc. “So they stole!” clarifies Tabatha, “They didn’t take them. That’s not called ‘taking’, unless you return it, that’s called ‘stealing’, so… they still work for you?” Candolyn says they do! Sweet! She should change the name from “Candolyn’s” to “Kleptos R Us”… Lady T wants to know why in the name of Vidal Sassoon she still employs a bunch of thieves, and CandyGirl says she feels like since she created this situation she’s stuck with it, and cries some more, “I have allowed myself to become a victim!”…

…she must have a near-constant case of SnotNostrilâ„¢…

“You know what? There’s no room for being a victim when you run a business.” says Tabatha…. well, unless you’re a televangelist or something, then I guess the crying and begging is kinda part of the gig, but otherwise she’s right. Candolyn privately interviews that she’s already thrown up twice that morning. Yick! I guess my dinner idea of ground beef nachos is out of the question… thanks Candy!

Anyhow, Tabatha says the first thing she needs to do is to stop crying. We all know how irritated Lady T gets with criers… her patience is going to be sorely tested this entire episode. Now it’s time to watch the “hidden camera-crew” footage of Candolyn’s amazing Little Shop ‘O Burglars in action…

Here’s a hefty male stylist telling his client as she pays up that he’s not going to charge her for the coloring he did on her today… and at first I thought, well, maybe he royally fucked it up and so he’s comping her because she complained (cuz her hair looks like dry wheat and twice as flammable) but then he goes on to say “That was my treat for you!” Candolyn goes into shock…

…girl, why not just turn over your wallet to them?…

“It was ‘on him‘ today,” smirks Tabatha, “which means actually it was on you… because it’s not on him! That is stealing, right there!” Tabatha interviews that she is totally shocked that Candolyn wasn’t exaggerating about the thefts… I have to say I kind of agree with her, giving away an entire highlighting job isn’t like adding a couple of extra McNuggets to somebody’s six-piece, y’know? Besides, whenever I did that, they were always expired McNuggets that I was gonna have to throw away (or eat) anyhow, so I was saving a little dumpster volume. Quit looking at me like that, it’s not the same thing. At all.

Moving on, here’s a young latina stylist who has landed a waif-like Asian client in her chair. She says she’s gonna go get a couple of magazines so they can look through them and talk about what kind of cut she wants. This girl has some Fucked. Up. Hair…

…bitch looks exactly like Jane Lane, besties with Daria on MTV circa 1993…

Granted, the girl is a hot mess… but what happens next shocked even me, and surprisingly I’m normally not one to shy away from talking shit about people… as the bitch stylist goes to get her magazines she stops by the front desk just long enough to whisper…

…do you also love how Blondie is on the Salon phone, and Janice is yapping away on her celly?…

…and they all laugh. Candolyn is horrified, and Tabatha needlessly points out that this girl has a “below-par” level of professionalism. Duh. I’d say the bug-eyed bitch is in no position to critique anybody else’s looks, but I don’t wanna be unkind, so I’ll just call her Toad-Face from here on out.

Hey, here’s El Gordo Chubbo stylist again, and he’s working on a client whose hair is full of coloring goo. You know how we can tell? Because he’s managed to glop it all over her forehead, that’s how! He’s also gently taking a fine-toothed comb, and is yanking it through her hair while it’s wet and full of the coloring agent. Her head is being jerked backwards repeatedly by his feather-touch ministrations, and she looks like she’s ready to cry from the repeated jabbing pains of his attempting to scalp her…

…Hey Chubbsy-Sister, I don’t care if you have eyebrow piercings and neck tattoos, this girl looks like she could cut you faster than you could say “¿Que?”…

Lady T says she can’t watch it because she knows that is hurting this poor girl, and Candolyn says she is mortified! Tabatha says any good stylist would know not to do that. Ooooh, I’m seeing a serious butt-ramming coming your way Chubbsy, and this ain’t gonna be the kind where you get dinner and drinks first…

Hey, here’s Toad-Face again, she’s doing a coloring job on a woman, and I’m not sure why, but she’s undone one of her foils over the woman’s face, walked away and left it there…

…I can almost hear her hair sizzling through my TV!…

Candolyn says she’s getting pissed now… and even better still, the camera zooms in on what appears to be a pair of water-glasses that have been stored just above floor level… they have a nice patch of hair-clippings growing around their edges…

…I’ve never seen wine-glasses that needed a shave before…

“That is ab-so-lute-ly disgusting!” spits Tabatha. Looks like the staff are so busy talking shit about their customers and giving away free color-jobs that the cleaning has been a tad lax. Candolyn says the staff shouldn’t “poop where they live”. Lady T has seen enough and demands the keys to Candy’s shop… “Good luck!” says Candolyn. “Oh, believe me, I don’t need luck!” sneers Tabatha as she hits the warpath, ready to begin…

THE TAKEOVER

The staff mysteriously have no clients and are just sitting around. “Well, looks like a little party over here, doesn’t it?” says T-girl as she beckons for the staff to meet their doom. This time when she lays the line about “some of you may no longer work here when I’m through!” on them, Toad-Face (whose real name is Wendy) says Tabatha was looking right at her, and she’s crapping her pants! She should be, because her anus is first up for Lady T’s cactus-like reaming…

“Wendy… it is very clear to me that you don’t know what you’re doing with color!” Toad-Face tries a half-hearted rebuttal, but gets no further than…

…who’s laughing now? I am, that’s who!…

Moving along, Tabatha zeroes in on Miss Receptionista… “I called and I was hung up on!” she seethes. How does Miss Janice respond to this? “We have problems with our telephones so I, um, thought that-” “So it’s the telephone’s fault?” Lady T cuts her off. Jan-Jan gets all saucy, “I’m not saying it’s the telephone’s fault.” Um, yeah, except that’s pretty much exactly what you did say Ma Bell… although I suspect the “problem” with their telephones would be easily visible if Janice looked in a mirror.

Time for Chubbsy Chris to bend over as Tabatha berates him for combing through the client’s hair while it was full of color and hurting her, and Candolyn points out how he left the giant glob of coloring on the girl’s forehead. Chris gets all sassy-queen on them and starts talking over Tabatha as he insists he wiped that off right away (video evidence says otherwise) and that he wasn’t hurting her. Lady T disagrees vehemently, “The girl’s head was being yanked back like this ((**demonstrates**)) and you could see her flinching in pain!”

Chubbsy’s not having it! “Don’t rip me for maybe doing one or two things unprofessional when also everybody else in here does… even the boss!” Oooooh, you’re making friends all over the place, Chrissy-poo! Way to attempt to stab everybody else in the back all at once! Somebody’s having personal problems…

…bitch is hongry…

Lady T has been trying to get his attention through his entire harangue, and finally grabs it… “Excuse me, you have no right to speak to your owner in the tone and the manner that you’re speaking to her in! I am not Candolyn, and you can not walk all over me… I won’t accept it!” *snap* *snap* *snap*

“Tabatha pissed me off big time today!” interviews Chubbsy Chris, “Looking at maybe one or two things we’ve done wrong and then ripping us apart as hairstylists… you know, I don’t find that fair.” Yeah, except y’know Chubbsy, I’d like to hear your banker or your doctor or your airline pilot use that excuse if they were to mischarge you, or leave a scalpel in you, or forget to put the landing gear down… it’s like saying “Yeah, I know I fuck up, but I’m still awesome!” Honeychile, the only person who gets away with saying that consistently is the President*… oh, and Britney Spears…

*and by “President” I am not referring to anyone in particular, this is simply a generalization, J-mo-ism does not allow mixing of actual politics and hair-styling…

Anyhow, Lady T dismisses the staff with a stern warning not to be late to the next day’s 9:00am staff meeting (Janice The Receptionista gives her dagger-eyes on her way out) and prepares to start…

THE INSPECTION

The first thing Tabatha notices is that half of the salon space is dedicated to selling 76,402 different items that don’t have anything to do with hair-styling. I know salons are supposed to push retail, but this is ridonk. Gesturing at the numerous shelves and displays of trinkets, bangles, baubles and tchotchkes, Tabatha is aghast, “This says ’99-cent store’!” Privately Lady T says “The list is actually endless of the shit that she sells… and believe me… it’s all shit!”…

…I dunno, I betcha Mrs. Roper would have loved all this stuff…

Candolyn insists that it’s the retail area that is actually paying the rent! Holy Ho-cessories, Batman! It is downtown L.A., so I imagine they get some of the Ho-Stroll luminaries in there… Then Candolyn blurts out “No, it doesn’t, why am I lying?” I don’t know CandyLand, maybe because Delusion is your oxygen?

Moving along, the back wall of the salon has a giant painted mural of a seascape with big puffy clouds and a Venus-esque statue…

…Days In Rodanthe?…

Turns out Candolyn painted it herself! Personally, I don’t think it’s too horrible, but Tabatha disagrees and says it’s something you’d see “in a bad pizza parlor”… wellll, it is kind of on the Tack-O-Rama side…

The fridge is super-dirty (gawd, it looks like my fridge, which is frightening enough) and someone has put one of those cooling eye-masks in the veggie crisper…

…I bet it smells like onions and spoiled milk…

Turns out it belongs to the “facialist” and is actually used on clients! Ew! It has vegetable matter and other unknown detritus clinging to it! Tabatha says if someone brought her that mask she’d throttle them! No court would convict her, either.

The worst part is yet to come. While looking through an upper cupboard, Tabatha spies a bunch of open boxes of tea… and fruit-flies? No, there aren’t a bunch of fag-hags stuffed into the cupboard, these are actual insectile fruit-flies… what the…?

…one of the stylists is bulimic?…

Candolyn and Tabatha gasp in unison as TabbyKat pulls out a squishy bag filled with rotting cherries and horrified beyond belief drops it into the sink below!!!

…please excuse me while I hurl everything I’ve ever eaten…

Honestly, that is so gross, I can’t even believe that no one either a) remembered they put them there, or b) threw them out when they did remember… Nas-TEE! Tabatha has been pushed to the edge of her sanity! “That’s not been there a couple of days!” she shouts. “Who in the world put that up there?” wonders Candolyn. Tabatha is nearly screaming, “I don’t know, but it’s your salon and there are flies all over this salon! Take a look! There are actually little maggot-type things crawling all over them! I’ve never been in a salon that makes me want to throw up! I’ve got to go, because I will throw up!” and with that she leaves! I don’t blame her, that was seriously the most disgusting thing they’ve shown all season… hopefully things are going to be a tad less vomitous during the…

STAFF MEETING

Tabatha says that the picture Candolyn painted of her staff was pretty grim, and now she’s gonna make up her own mind. I’m guessing things are about to get even grimmer…

Asking the staff what the problems are brings the usual litany of problems, Candolyn sets rules but doesn’t enforce them, there’s no respect between her and the staff. Chubbsy Chris says that the Candolyn is moody. Blondie stylist Sheri goes as far as to use the C-word to describe her…

…”Bitch is crazy!”…

Sheri (and her overly-sane nose-ring) goes even further as she says she’s pretty much just waiting for Candolyn to have a nervous breakdown. Tabatha interviews that she’s “gobsmacked” by these serious accusations, and asks for examples. Blondie Sheri says Candolyn will lie about just about anything under the sun, and Chubbsy Chris chimes in that a Candolyn will claim to have done highlighting and color-work on clients that was actually done by another senior stylist (named Shushan). You will note that no one is attempting to claim Chris’ color-work as their own…

It actually gets scarier… Sheri says CandyLand was gonna bring in a tape-recorder and tape everything that she said to the stylists. Tabatha looks puzzled until it is explained by Shushan that the reason for her wanting to have recordings of her conversations is to prevent the staff from coming back later and accusing her of lying. That is some seriously unbalanced shit. I hope Candolyn doesn’t have a gun.

Lady T tells them if Candolyn is being so inconsistent that they need to be adults and take responsibility instead of trying to blame Candolyn for everything. Well, she’s sorta right, you really can’t blame crazy people for being crazy, they’re just marching to the beat of an insane drummer is all…

“So, I have another question for you… who eats cherries at work?” Carefully blank looks emanate from everyone. After no one speaks, Tabatha directs Chubbsy Chris to go over and uncover the sink where the CherryMushMaggots are now living, and when everyone gets a good look at the putrescence, they all get totally grossed out and puke all over everything. It looks like that scene from “Stand By Me” only instead of blueberry pie we get to see a bunch of used McMuffins and Sourdough Breakfast Jacks being spewed everywhere. Okay, I’m kidding, they didn’t, but that would have been kinda funny. And gross. Still, even after viewing the evidence, no one is willing to own up to Cherryliciousness… although some of their faces are telling a different story…

…look guilty much, Janice?…

Then Toad-Face insists that none of the staff ever brings in fruit, but that Candolyn does! Interesting. The sad thing is, crazy people can be quite forgetful, too, so it’s hard to say with certainty that the offensive fruit absolutely did not belong to her. I’m still voting for Janice, though… Oh well, it’s time for Tabatha to begin…

THE ASSESSMENT

Candolyn joins them for this part, and Tabatha takes her aside and tells her that the staff think CherryGate was her fault. She quickly insists “No, they were not my cherries, I’ll go on a lie-detector for that…” I dunno how that would really prove anything, crazy people tend to completely believe in their twisted perceptions of the world, which would mean she’d pass with flying colors. She’d just as likely register as “not lying” if you asked her to describe how many voices were in her head telling her to get all Stabby McNutzoid on these people… *sigh*

Oh well, let’s see how the skillz of these people stack up. Toad-Face is telling her client that she will go in and work with her natural brown color and blend it in to two different blondes. The trouble is, the celebrity photo the woman is holding is a brunette, so I don’t know where Toady is getting blonde from. Lady T stops her cold and says that she keeps talking about using her client’s natural brown hair color, and the client speaks up (now that she has a chance) and says she is not a fan of her natural color at all.

…”Why don’t you just suggest that you’ll rub some cowshit into her hair, too?”…

Nice listening skills, Toady! She is forced to admit that she wasn’t really giving the client the opportunity to tell her vital bits of information, such as, the whole reason the woman wants her hair colored is because she doesn’t like the color it is now. How surprising!

Totally not surprising is that Toad-Face is pissed off by this, “This bitch! Just get off me, like, leave me alone!” Well, quit fucking up and she will, Miss DoucheyPants!

Miss Candolyn has her own client, and she’s got some very definite ideas about what she wants done. CandyLand’s consultation is quite confusing, as she tells the woman that with her skin tone it won’t look very good if they put in too much red, but then turns around and says she wants to put several different tones of red in it. WTF? Tabatha nails her to the wall with this, and poor Candolyn is just plain flummoxed. “I’m usually much better than that, I swear!” Tabatha stares at her icily, “Excuses!” she spits, and walks away… and Candolyn destroys any shred of credibility she has with the client as she looks at her apologetically and says “I’m not on my game.” Great! Color away!

Let’s see what’s going on with Toad-Face’s client… oooh, foil bleeds and streaking everywhere! As Tabatha is pointing these out to her, Toady starts crying and completely loses her composure…. so much so that even her client can’t resist watching the train-wreck that is her face…

…Wow, poor Geena Davis really is desperate for TV work!…

Awww, Geena, if you had only come out with “Commander In Chief” this year, it prolly woulda been a hit. Anyhow, Lady T recognizes that Toad-Face just needs some more education so she doesn’t suck so much. I think a G.E.D. would be a good start…

How’d things go with Candolyn’s client? Welllll, not so good, the client had specifically told Candoleeza that she didn’t want really choppy bangs, but look what happened anyhow…

…yeah, a Chinese boy who is really sleepy and does drag…

Of course, Candolyn starts to cry when Tabatha gets her to admit she doesn’t like these choppy boy-bangs she gave this woman. Lady T is having a hard time getting anything through the haze of tears, “Focus on me, I’m trying to tell you something important… stop being complacent… and stop crying!” CandyCraze says “I know, I don’t know why, I never cryyyyy!” she wails…

…Smack her, Tabs! Just smack her!…

CandyLand is getting ready to set sail for WackoBurg as she says, “Tabatha wants me to stop crying, and honestly?… Candolyn wants to stop crying! Candolyn normally doesn’t cry!” I see. Does Candolyn normally refer to herself in the third person? Suede, you bastard, this shit is like an epidemic now, and I blame you, you Smurf-stained, dead-relative-annoying, talent-free hack! J-Mo hates you forever and ever, and J-Mo is tired of every Tom, Dick and Candolyn referring to themselves this way…

…Compliments of J-Mo’s dead grandmother…

Where was I? Oh yeah, Candolyn is crying, and Tabatha needs to confront her about the conflicting stories she’s getting from everyone about what the problem with this place is. Me, I think they’re all nutjobs, but Tabatha has a job to do (to make Candolyn cry even harder, apparently) and starts telling her about how the staff say she’s all over the place, that she’s crazy, that she’s a liar. That last one really opens the floodgates…

“I am not a liar, but I am very tired of being called one!” she weeps. Tabatha wants to know why they call her that (and as I think about it, yeah, nobody has really said what exactly Candolyn lies to them about, you know?) and Candolyn laments “Because they know that pisses me off!… they know that’s the button to push to make me shut up!”…

…wellll, constant sobbing does get a tad annoying…

“Why do they need a button to push you?” Tabatha wants to know. Candolyn sniffles, “Because they like it the way it is… they don’t understand that the success of the salon sucks!” Inaccurately put, but I see her point. Tabatha forges ahead, “No disrespect Candolyn, but since I’ve been here you’ve cried a lot!… So, stop!”

Once again, the Sucky Stupidass Spirit Of Suede possesses her and she goes into Third-Person Mode and begins to address herself… “Yes… stop Candolyn, stop! I’ve been telling her that all day!” Uh-oh, I heard creepy circus-calliope music playing! Tabatha decides to play along, “Is she not listening? Obviously?” Candolyn agrees with both Tabatha and herself. Privately Tabatha interviews “Okay, I have to admit… that is pretty crazy!” Candolyn insists she’s not crazy, she just has a thousand things going on in her head…

…I’m guessing at least 995 of those things are crazy…

“You know what, Tabatha? If I could stand on my head and sing ‘Yankee Doodle Dandle’ [sic] for them to get the message, I’d do it!” Dear God, she’s weeping and crying and saying she feels like she’s “losing it” in one breath, and in the next breath telling herself “It’s gonna be okay.” and now she’s actually doing that weird laugh-cry thing… “Is there hope for me?” she beseeches Lady T, who rolls her eyes and says “If you have to ask me that question, that doesn’t make me really confident!” she says.

That’s enough for one day. Tabatha says she’s not getting through to Candolyn, because the woman just won’t stop playing the victim, so she’s going to bring in “reinforcements” in the form of a psychologist by the name of Dr. Shirley Impellizzeri, who specializes in “workplace issues”… too bad she doesn’t specialize in multiple-personality-disorder…

…Ooh, how ’bout a game of “Simon Says”?…

Dr. I wants to go around the circle and hear what everyone has to say… Wow, even useless Janice the Receptionista? Amazingly, the dumbass who can’t figure out how to use an incredibly complicated device like the “Hold” button is critiquing Candolyn, saying she has a lot of great ideas but doesn’t concentrate on one at a time. What a little bitch!

Chubbsy Chris says Candolyn needs to take a day off from doing hair once in a while and actually manage the salon. That’s actually a good idea considering the mediocre job she did the day before by turning that pretty lady into a sleepy little boy.

Blondie Sheri says that when Candolyn is in a good mood, it’s great, but when she’s feeling stabby, everybody suffers… and Miss CandyLand jumps in here to say that the reason she winds up in a bad mood is that she often comes in and finds things still dirty from the night before, people haven’t counted out the cash, or there’s money missing… (ouch). “How many times do you tell someone the same thing over and over again? That’s when I get scattered, I just go, ‘Oh, you know what?… Hell with it!’… that’s where I get my bad attitude!”

The Doc is trying to comprehend this reaction, “Sooooo, there’s no consequence?” Candolyn concurs, “No, there isn’t… except for my bad attitude.” Ding!Ding!Ding!Ding!Ding!Ding!Ding! We have a winner, folks! Dr. Shirley correctly identifies this behavior as she tells Candolyn “Okay, well, that’s passive-aggressive, that’s not a consequence…. it’s a pain to deal with, but it’s not a consequence.” Candolyn keeps agreeing with her and babbling over her as well.

Addressing the staff, the Good Doctor says “The first thing I’m seeing is, all of you want Candolyn to step up to the plate and follow through… and the thing is, you’re all adults! You should have your own integrity to say ‘I want to keep my station clean, whether Candolyn tells me to or not!’…” Oooh, good one, Doc! How are these adults taking to being called out on their lazy and childish behavior?…

…about how I suspected…

It never fails to amaze me with people like this… if someone stands over them and micromanages their every move, they resent it and say they should stop being treated like children because they’re adults… and then when you give the “adults” the chance to actually behave like adults, they revert to children who will try to get away with as much bullshit as possible until someone disciplines them. It’s obvious that the behavior in this place goes way beyond “one or two unprofessional things” as Chubbsy put it earlier when he got so bent out of shape about it… grow up, people!

Turning to the Lady In Question, Dr. I says “As far as with you, you can’t run a salon without first of all leading by example…” Candolyn cuts her off as she starts whimpering about how much of herself she’s lost, and how scared she is, and how afraid she is that she’s going to lose everything soon… Dr. Shirley tries to break in here by saying “Well the thing is, if you don’t turn things around, you will…” and Crazylyn cuts her off again and agrees with her some more and now she has a full steam cry-a-thon going…

…I’m amazed she doesn’t flat-out dehydrate before our very eyes…

She’s just going on and on, and it’s the same crap she’s been spouting since the beginning of the show, and it feels to me like a total performance… Dr. I is looking particularly irritated with this behavior… surely she knows classic victim behavior when she sees it?…

…”I bet Dr. Phil doesn’t have to put up with this shit… and don’t call me Shirley!”…

Tabatha has been getting more and more agitated sitting there and listening to this same spiel (remember, she’s had three extra days of it) and finally she explodes! “You know what? It’s all about ‘Well, he did this!’ and ‘She does that!’ and ‘You do that!’ and ‘You do that!’… and none of you fucking step up and take responsibility… including you, Candolyn!” Ooooh, preach it, girl! Tell it for Jesus! “If you had a bit of pride you’d stop pointing the finger at each other and get your heads out of your asses and realize that if she goes down ((**gestures to the wad of dampness that is Candolyn**)) you’re all goin’ down!”

Privately Lady T interviews that the staff have no team spirit, so she’s going to send them out at lunch time to talk to people on the street and drum up business for the salon. In downtown Los Angeles??!? I hope she’s going to equip them with mace and tasers… my Ex-BF works in the same plaza as Candolyn’s, he’s a big beefy fella and even he won’t venture out walking far… but maybe the added danger will give some extra thrills here. Oh, and speaking of added thrills, whoever books the most appointments will win $200.00 cash. That should just about cover the cost of the stitches after their first knife-fight…

After the staff leave, Tabatha decides to give Candolyn a makeover… it’s too bad she couldn’t start with her psychic profile, but even TabbyKat has some limits…

…I bet it takes all of her strength not to rip Candolyn’s hair out at the roots with her bare hands…

Meanwhile, the staff are out pounding the pavement and annoying businesspeople all over downtown. It seems like Blondie Sheri is doing a pretty good job of bullshitting people into believing that she likes their current hairstyling and color, while subtly suggesting that if they stop in to Candolyn’s she can punch it up for them…

…Go Sheri! Go Sheri! It’s your birthday!…

Sheri interviews that she thought the promotion would be fun and easy, and while it is fun, it’s not at all easy… as poor Chubbsy Chris is finding out the hard way. He’s having a helluva time getting people to even stop and talk to him. I don’t know, maybe the giant neck tattoo he’s sporting isn’t the best way to advertise his beauty skillz, ya think?

Tabatha is still working on Candolyn (and so far she hasn’t succumbed to the urge to throttle the woman) and asks what the deal is with the big mural on the back wall. Candolyn says that she wanted it to make the space feel like it continued on and wasn’t claustrophobic, “I really do honestly absolutely love it.” Lady T insists that the reality is that the mural makes the space look smaller. I have to say I kind of agree, I’m not usually fooled by paintings into thinking that popcorn box office spaces are actually an open-air seaside terrace.

T-girl thinks CandyLand needs to “embrace her newness” and get rid of it. Candolyn wants to compromise and keep the ceiling as is. I wasn’t aware of any ceiling-murals (at least they haven’t shown any yet) but there must be or she wouldn’t be just about begging Tabatha for this small caveat. Surprisingly, Tabatha agrees! What a softie she is! Anyhow, the “makeover” is finished… and is it just me, or does it look like Lady T didn’t really do much other than trim the ends and color her hair a smidge lighter??…

…maybe she was able to bleach out a few of the voices in Candolyn’s head?…

The staff have all returned from their little competition and it’s time to reveal who gets to take home 200 smackeroos for bringing in the most clients (which really remains to be seen if any of these people actually show up… perhaps they should have waited until the reopening day and done an actual body count, you know?)… and the winner is… Blondie Sheri! Yay for Blondie!

Tabatha says they should keep the team spirit going (I don’t know about that, the other stylists look pissed that Sheri won the money, but we’ll just pretend for a moment that they’re not thinking about knocking her down and stealing her purse) and she wants them to help her kick off the physical changes she’s going to make in the salon… by painting over the mural!

As Lady T appears with a bunch of paint rollers and a pan, Candolyn starts to get weird. “I refuse to talk about it any more.” she says…

…ruh-roh, looks like someone’s pissed off The Voices!…

Tabatha is trying to hand out the rollers to everyone, and CandyGirl is walking away refusing to participate! Lady T is trying to get her to see that this is a positive step, and Candolyn just won’t do it… and now, guess what’s happening? Yup, more tears. And more tears. And now the staff is refusing to participate, too. Way to go, Candolyn! You’ve managed to bring everybody together as a team… if only to buck Tabatha’s authority!

T-girl isn’t going to take this sitting down as she pulls Candolyn aside and tells her she really needs to lead her staff in this, because right now they’re confused about what to do. After much browbeating and a bunch more tears (and a healthy amount of snuffled-up snot) Candolyn agrees… and then she sees the paint and wigs out all over again! “It’s gonna be that freaking COLOR?!??!”

…why, yes, Spring Mucous is just perfect for your accent wall!…

I kinda feel for her here, that babyshit yellow is almost the same fugly shade that Eddie Ross painted his chair on Top Design a couple of weeks ago. Candolyn says she’s going to “paint over the heart” of the statue. Awwww. In interview she says it was the hardest thing she’s had to do and cries some more. And some more. After they cover most of the wall, Tabatha stops them with “I do have a design team coming in…” Duh. After congratulating CandyLand, she lets everybody go home so that the full makeover can take place just in time for…

THE REOPENING

Three days have passed, and it’s time for the resurrection of Candolyn’s Salon… and it looks like they actually did a pretty damn good job with the makeover, they took out the center wall and got rid of all the crappy merch that was cluttering up the place… Candolyn can’t believe how big it all looks!…

…now she’ll have room for her crazy to spread out!…

Candolyn seems genuinely pleased and touched by the great work that was done, “This is more than I had expected… thank you so much!” Tabatha thinks the makeover has really invigorated the staff and believes they are ready to kick things into high gear with the reopening, they’re all super-excited about it… well, almost everyone…

…our gal Janice looks like she’d rather be eating rotted cherries…

Before they get started, Lady T admonishes Blondie Sheri to work on her communication and her finishing skills, tells Toad-Face she needs to be working extra hard on her coloring skills (stay inside the foils, Wendy-honey!) and singles out Janice the Receptionista to make sure she gives great customer service… “and, please don’t hang up on anyone!” Janice giggles and promises she won’t…

Battle-stations! Their little marketing lunch-hour paid off and they have a full book of suckers looking for free haircuts clients! Let’s git it started in here!

Right away poor Janice runs into trouble. Tabatha is standing near the reception desk as a client comes walking in, and Janice is on the phone, but pays no attention to the woman, completely failing to even acknowledge her…

…”Welcome to Candolyn’s, how may we ignore you today?”…

Strike One. Tabatha herself winds up helping the woman (who is actually a client of Candolyn herself, ouch!) greeting her and bringing her into the seating area to wait for CandyLand to be available. Making a beeline for Janice, Tabatha quietly says “You really need to work on acknowledging clients, OK? It’s not my job to do it, I’m not the receptionist of this salon.” Janice just looks at her and says “Ok.” in a teeny-tiny itty-bitty voice. In interview, Janice makes CrazyFace…

…”Brain and brain, what is brain?!?”…

“This is all new to me, so it gets overwhelming at times.” she says. Wait a minute… what exactly is “all new” to her? Answering the phones? Greeting clients? Putting people on the dreaded “Hold”? Being asked to do these things simultaneously? Sorry, but as hectic as reception work can be (and I should know, I’ve done my share of it, and for an extremely busy staffing firm, not some powder-puff hair salon) it’s really not rocket surgery, and I fail to see how this could be so incredibly and utterly beyond her skills…

Anyhow, Tabatha says that if Janice can’t get control of the front desk during the reopening, she will recommend that she be fired! Yeah yeah yeah, I will so believe it when I see the ass-end of Janice getting smaller and smaller on my TV screen… It doesn’t look good, cuz now Janice is holding the phone up to her ear and saying “Hello?…. Hello?….” and pushing random buttons on the console. Way to go, Einsteinella. Strike Two.

Toad-Face is doing a consult, and this time she’s actually listening to what the woman has to say. Tabatha compliments her on it, and leaves her with “I’m waiting to see your foils…” Toad-Face smiles nervously and shoots a couple of toad-turds into her pants. I’m a little worried for her, because her client looks real easy to please…

…Little Miss SunFuckingShine…

Back up in the incredibly complicated world of Front Reception Desk, and Janice is on the phone and once again fails to acknowledge yet another client walking in the door! Tabatha is standing right behind her and witnesses the whole thing, at which point she gets Candolyn involved.

This time Candolyn is telling Janice that she needs to make sure to greet everyone, even if she is on the phone (and to be fair, she’s not being a giant beyotch about it, but she is being firm). Good girl, Candolyn, maybe there is hope for you to erase that giant “WELCOME” you’ve had tattooed on your back these past several months!

Except Janice decides to get all snippety with her and says “You know, this is my first receptionist job, so, you know, I’m learning this whole ‘multi-task’ thing…”

…”and you just can’t expect me to learn how to work the phone-thingy, greet these people and play FreeCell at the same time!”…

Yeah, nothing like insisting to your boss on lowered expectations. Perhaps Janice would be more comfortable in the slightly less challenging world of deep-fat fryers (except those have buttons too, so that’d prolly be no good, either). Strike Two-And-A-Half.

Toad-Face is working on her foils… sssshhheeee sssseeeeeeemmmmssss ttttooooo bbbbbeeeee gggggoooooiiiiinnnnggggg rrrrraaaattttthhheeerrrr ssssllloooowwwwllllyyy. Tabatha comes by and gives her a gentle pointer or two and moves on.

Heyyyy, here comes a client in the front door! Janice is on the phone! What will she do? Wow, she hung up the phone and acknowledged the client! Yay for slow learners! Except right after she gets up to take the client over to the seating area, the phone rings, and Tabatha picks it up and begins talking to the client. It was someone Janice had called to remind about their appointment, so Tabatha puts the person on hold, and when Janice makes her way back over to the desk, she hands her the phone and says “Line one… um, the client wants to know why you hung up on her.”

…methinks Tabatha would just love to thwop her a good one in the forehead with that handset…

Once she finishes talking on the phone, Tabatha goes off. “Nothing has changed for me since the first day I walked in this place because you just hung up on a client, which is even worse than hanging up on me! Candolyn told you to put the client on hold!” Janice is all wide-eyed and blinking. “I din’t mean to hang up on the client.” Tabatha’s not backing down on this, “But you hung up on a client! You hung up on a client!” Janice is getting pissy now and turns away from Lady T, muttering “I already know that… I don’t-”

Here comes Candolyn wanting to know what’s going on (for a change). Tabatha explains to her about the hung-up-on client and Janice rolls her eyes and tells Candolyn “I’m sorry, it’s not that I don’t care, it’s not that I did it on purpose… it’s just too much!”…

…Janice’s “I totally care” face…

Strike Two-And-Eleven-Seventeenths. Candolyn interviews that Janice “dropped the ball a couple of times” and that she was getting “whiny” and giving “way too many excuses”… and Lady T is in full bitchswing now, cuz she’s not letting up on the girl at all! “I don’t know why it’s so difficult for you!” Janice’s defends herself by insisting, “I’m learning, this is all a learning process…” Tabatha interjects, “But how difficult is it to greet someone?!? Really!” Rolling her eyes some more, Janice insists “I did greet the person. Did I not?” Dead silence from Tabatha…

…Janice, honey, I’d be in fear of my life if I were sitting where you are…

Finding a sudden pocket of rare self-awareness, Janice finally says “Okay, maybe this is not the job for me…” Still dead silence. Suddenly, as though recognizing a fellow victim in dire need, Candolyn steps in and says she’d like Janice to go outside and get a breather. She walks by Tabatha while refusing to look at her and mutters “Thank you.” to Candolyn.

Now that she has Candolyn’s full attention, Tabatha points out the obvious. “You now have to deal with what are the consequences going to be for Janice, because she hasn’t stepped up, and I’m sorry… Janice is no better today than she was a week ago! And when I walked in here a week ago… she sucked!” Tsssssss! Burn!

Enjoying her break outside, Janice is still blithely insisting how hard this all is. “All this training is new to me, so, I’m not gonna catch on to it within two hours!” Um, yeah, except we all know this isn’t your first day here, bitch. She’s acting like she never knew what the job entailed before today! I’m guessing that up until today, she pretty much didn’t really do her job. Oh please, if this girl is still working at the place at the end of the day, then Candolyn deserves to go under…

Wow, this has kind of turned into The Janice Sucks And Tabatha Beat-Down Hour, huh? I almost forgot that there are actual hairstylists working at this place. Checking in with them, senior stylist Shushan is doing a great job, her client looks totally happy.

Heyyy, checking Toad-Face’s coloring job, it looks like she worked it, and none of her foils bled today! She’s super happy, and Tabatha is glad not to have to behead her as well.

…”Maybe dis bitch ain’t so bad afta all…”…

Blondie Sheri’s client says she really likes how her hair looks, and Tabatha agrees (other than chiding her lightly for using a tad too much product in it) but other than that everyone’s happy! Yay! I guess Tabatha doesn’t care what Chubbsy Chris is up to…

After taking Candolyn in the back and discussing the day, it’s time to gather the staff together and let them know about Tabatha’s…

FINAL RECOMMENDATIONS

She starts off by acknowledging that Candolyn has trained everyone, but points out that they all will need continuing edumacation (especially Toad-Face and Blondie Sheri) so she recommends that Shushan step up and become the lead stylist and mentor for the salon…

…”Gee, can I please do buttloads of additional work for no extra money? Pretty please?”…

Nah, I’m kidding, Shushan says she’d be happy to help the others out. Finally, an adult amongst all these kids! Besides, she’ll probably tell Candolyn later on that she did promise her some extra cash, and when Candolyn doesn’t remember that and has no tape recording of the conversation to fall back on, she will freak out and just give it to her.

Next, Tabatha says there need to be rules in the salon, and there need to be consequences for not following those rules. Zeroing in on our plucky eye-rollin’ gal Janice, Tabatha recaps “You know, Janice, you had a hard time today at the desk. You definitely dropped the ball on that today… so Candolyn and I had a discussion about it…” Candolyn takes over and says “Janice…”

…”You’re FIRED! Getcho shit and get da fuck outta my salon, BITCH!”…

Ah, if only that had really happened. Bravo attempted to build this up and make it look like someone was finally going to get fired on this show, and if anyone has ever deserved it (besides all of the stylists at IMAGES) it’s Janice, for making a fuckarow out of what is arguably the easiest job in the entire salon (except, possibly, for Shampoo Girl). But no, instead Candolyn actually says…

“I’m putting you on probation. That means that I’m looking at you now, and watching you…. and the next time you drop that phone or a client, there is no warning… you will be terminated!” Aaaugh! Lame, Bravo! What does Janice have to say for her inexplicable hammer-escape? “I din’t expect that one! I thought it was unfair but that’s how she felt.” I guess Janice prefers the Sixteen Strike Rule. You better find you a gubmint job if you want to be able to blatantly fuck up that much, Jan…

Oh well, I guess there’s only one thing left to do. Tabatha gives Candolyn her key back. Candolyn immediately starts talking to the key and telling it how much she missed it, and she cries on it some, just for good measure. TabbyKat’s parting shot is that Candy better take care of the place, because she just might come back…

SIX WEEKS LATER

Striding back towards Candolyn’s, Lady T hopes that she’s been able to keep things going and continue to lead her staff, and that they’ve all made improvements (even Janice!). Well, first off, it looks like there has been additional remodeling since T-girl was there, because there a giant bookshelf of product behind the front desk, which has been turned sideways. Oh yeah, and there’s no sign of Janice…

…”Where’s dumbass?”…

The new Receptionista is named Samantha, and already she looks a zillion times more competent than Janice by simple virtue of the fact that she greeted Tabatha! Lady T immediately finds Candolyn and they sit down to chat.

Candolyn says she has really been encouraging the staff to keep the pride in the salon up, and in the process of that “there have been a few casualties.” Do tell! Well, before you get excited thinking that Janice got fired, it’s worse… she just quit with no notice (and without even having the class to tell Candolyn about her decision, she just walked on out the door). Far from being upset, Candolyn says she’s totally cool with it, she didn’t need the extra stress. Business is up, too! Yay for business!

Checking in with the others, Shushan says that the whole mentoring thing is going good, Blondie Sheri and Toad-Face are learning new things all the time and getting better every day. Chubbsy Chris tells Tabatha “You saved us, baby, you saved us!” Tabatha snorts, “Yeah… it was a struggle, though, wasn’t it!”

Lastly Candolyn says “Everyone leaves something on this Earth… and this is my little speck on this Earth! You gave me back Candolyn again. I can’t tell you how much I thank you! Thank you, you strong-headed bitch!”…

…of course, she’s crying…

And there you have it, Gasmii! Season One of Salon Takeover With Tabatha is complete! What did you think of this episode? How about the series itself? Shouldn’t they have had an on-camera firing?

Let me apologize for the lateness of this recap, you guys have no idea how much I love writing for TVgasm, and I did not realize how much work doing two shows at once was going to wind up being. I am glad Tabatha’s show is over, it will free up a lot of my time to have a tad more life other than sitting at the computer and doing terrible cut’n'paste jobs in MS Paint. I appreciate all of you who have stuck by me through this show, and who have left comments (and even if you didn’t comment, thank you for even reading, I know I’m one of the longest-winded people on this entire site, it’s just my way… thanks for all the lovin’, people…

love, J-Mo