Shear Genius: Bitches Cutting Bitches’ Bitches!

Good evening dearest gasmii, and welcome to another episode of the possibly-well-rated real-ality Bravo TV hair-styling competition show Shear Genius! This was a very exciting week in so many ways. I finally discovered what makes Exotic Nekisa so exotic… she is Iranian! And did you know that she was “Iranian Of The Day” on July 24th, 2008 according to the website Iranian.com? Me neither! We learn something new every day…

…and in tonight’s episode we also learn that food = hair care products, canine hairstyling is not an automatic skill, and everybody on this show hates everybody else on this show!! With the exception of Jaclyn Smith. Everybody loves her! Except Kate Jackson. We take a big ol’ bite of the hefty hatred hotdog after the jump…As we roll through the now-familiar opening sequence, I thought I should capture a sobering image as a warning to all of you reading this now…

…You reeeeeallly don’t want this a-hummin’ comin’ atcha…

…see how Dallas Daniel is sashaying away from her in abject terror? Bitch is fuckin’ scary, and tonight the gloves are reeeeally off from all of our stylestants, not just our Lesbiana Dee (whom I really should start calling “Hypocritical Self-Delusional Easily-Distracted-By-Persian-Titties Lesbiana Dee” but HSDEDBPTL-Dee is a tad cumbersome, so fuck it… oh, and by the way, grrrlfriend is not exactly the brightest bulb in the chandelier… in her online blog/diary on BravoTV.com she refers to Nekisa as her “hommie”… *snicker* ).

You know, I have to admit that I was completely and utterly flabbergasted by the major amount of sucktastic and crapalicious work these people did last week on what should have been an easy challenge… the “Charlie’s Angels” challenge… and Jaclyn is quick to remind the stylestants this week in a sober tone that she was “disappointed” by their work, and since there was no winner, then the “Allure Wall Of Fame” remains empty for this week…

…as heartbreaking as “Empty Chairs At Empty Tables”, isn’t it?…

…and everyone looks very serious, because to disappoint an Angel is to disappoint God. I guess. Anyhow, Dallas Daniel sums it up the best as he says “Ah git it. Ah understayand. We ditent dew what they were lookin’ fowur, ayand it hayas lit a fahr under mah assss, and ah’m gonna rock it ayowt this challenge!” As one of my transexual prostitute friends used to say, “Tell it… Smell it… go downtown and sell it!” Mmm-hmmm, Daniel’s gonna be smelling something before the Short-Cut challenge is over…

Now it’s time to introduce this week’s guest judge! Will it be a gay Armenian, a gay Hungarian, a gay Zimbabwean or a gay Kentuckian? Nope, you’re wrong! This week it’s a regular old garden-variety wispy lispy gay American named Robert Hallowell, who also goes by the stage name of “Kitchen Beautician” (although I’ve seen him perform as “Puss Puss LeGore and The Maxi-Pads” but that was a different kind of show) and when Robert comes mincing his way into the Shear Genius Nexxus Salon for a moment I think it’s actually Peter Horton (he of the terrible mane of hair from that whiny show thirtysomething)…

…if you held a gun to my head and said I had to have sex with either Peter or Robert, I’d have to choose sweet, sweet death…

Today’s Short-Cut Challenge (called “Futuristic & Fabulous”) is for the stylestants to create a “futuristic look that is beyond belief due to it’s unusual cut, shape and height!” Paulo looks perplexed. Jaclyn continues, “You must sculpt your style without the use of hairspray or any other normal products found in a salon…” Mass hysteria ensues, especially for Dallas Daniel, who probably drifts off to sleep in the arms of the Aqua-Netta Robot he fashioned out of empty spray cans…. “Rip mah soul ayowt!” he wails. Sorry Daniel, but for this challenge they can only use “natural products” such as anchovies, tuna fish, hummus and Cheez Wiz… oh, wait… I guess that’s not natural, but damn that would make a tasty hair gel! This challenge is gonna be like “9½ Weeks” meets “Beauty Shop”… minus the kinky sex and Queen Latifah.

Robert has a really velvety, yet prissy tone of voice with just a hint of child-molesterishness… very strange combination, but it works with his weird mane of hair… he tells the stylestants that the styles they create with these products are going to “save the environment” and that not only will the styles look great… but they’ll also be “green”!

Okay, let me pause just a second to say that six hairstyles not using chemical product for one day is not going to save the fucking environment (although getting Daniel to stop using hairspray for a half-hour might significantly clear up the air quality in the Dallas/Fort Worth Metro Area) and I’m sure if you dump a jar of mayo and a can of tuna fish in your hair and go sit in the summer sun for a couple of hours it’ll be “green” all right. The extent of food that goes into my hair is limited to an occasional can of beer (totally unintentional) and sometimes some candy sprinkles (for color and sparkle and because I’m probably drunk).

Anyhow, the Remaining Six all pick a scissor-box to determine the order of them getting to choose both their client AND their fabulous food product! Wow, Exotic Nekisa actually gets to go first. Good for you, girl! You’re still probly gonna fuck it up, but this way your excuse for sucking has to be that much more imaginative since you got first pick of everything. Next up is Ãœber-Gay Paulo, then Bitchy Charlie, Underdog Nicole, Lesbiana Dee… and Dallas “Dregs” Daniel gets the leftover lady! Awwwwww.

Now Jaclyn says they must each choose two of the “over 33 products” on the table before them…

…oh yes, I use squid in my hair almost daily, especially the kind with extra slimy tentacles, it leaves it so shiny and manageable…

…and here’s where the fur starts flying for pretty much no reason. Since Exotic Nekisa is the first to choose, she goes with Molasses (mmm) and she considers the Anchovies… but rejects them as she says “it looks like Charlie’s insides… that’s pretty sick!” Ooh burn. Ouch. Gotta watch that rapier-sharp wit of yours, ‘Kisa, someone might get hurt…

…Nekisa’s version of the Charlie Smack-Downâ„¢…

Charlie just giggles as she actually goes with the Mustard and says “Enjoy that advantage, I don’t think it’s gonna help…” Nekisa’s comeback to that is “Get off your high horse, honey… you’ve been in the bottom plenty…” Wait a minute, did she just say that for realsies? Exotic Nekisa, who has been in the bottom of nine out of twelve challenges (that’s a solid 75% or 3/4ths of the time) is trying to trash-talk Charlie, who still has a better win record than anybody else? Nice try, but no dice.

Charlie wearily responds with a “Just play with your hair darling, it’s what you do best… too bad none of your clients look as good as you do!” Ãœber-Gay Paulo makes a kitty-cat “Rrraaaaoowwrrr!”-noise. I’m giggling and clapping and spilling chocolate-chip cookie-dough ice cream all into my chest hair, cuz that is how you give someone a backhanded compliment! I half-expected Nekisa to come back with her best “I know you are but what am I?”, but I think she shut up when she realized she was out-classed in verbal sparring skills.

Jaclyn kind of makes an “Oooohhhh-kay!” and calls Ãœber-Gay Paulo up, who chooses Corn Syrup and Coconut Oil. Then it’s Bitchy Charlie going for Flour and Sea-Salt (I wonder if he plans on making chicken & dumplings in his client’s hair… hmmm). Next up is Underdog Nicole, whom Charlie says is not liking the challenge at all because she is very sensitive to smells, and that she may vomit “which is fabulous for me, because I want the bitch to go home!” he enthuses. Um, how is puking going to get her sent home? I mean, unless she does it right on Jaclyn or Kim Vo… Anyhow, Nicole goes with the Caramel and the Sugar (mmmmmm burnt sugar and regular, let’s make sundaes!)

Lesbiana Dee decided to go with Egg-Whites and Butter, because she says “My plan is to use the egg whites like a gel… the butter I’m gonna use as a shaping cream…” and when she gets ahold of both of the jars she turns around holding them up at boob-level and says “Hey Nekisa!” and proceeds to shake them back and forth…

…”I’m really gonna use the butter to sodomize you, hommie!”…

Oh Dee, your awkward, clumsy and totally desperate crush on our resident Persian Queen makes even me feel sorry for you. But I also love it because I think under that hard hard hard exterior of yours you just might have some human feelings left (maybe she’s half-Vulcan instead of all-lesbiana?… hmmmm). Exotic Nekisa just looks uncomfortable and giggles nervously as Dallas Daniel cackles knowingly (girlfriend’s mind runs along the same twisted tracks as mine, I’d bet dollars to donuts on it… ooooh, donuts).

Last up is Dallas Daniel who goes for the Avocado… and then says because he really wants to win the competition he’s going to take a risk and use Peanut Butter. I was all like, why is that a risk? I thought you used peanut butter to take shit (like chewing gum) out of hair!… (although I agree with Ellen DeGeneres on that one, if you’re stupid enough to get chewing gum caught in your hair, then you really don’t deserve to know how to get it out other than hacking off the big ol’ chunk of hair surrounding it)… well, it turns out that Dallas Daniel doesn’t like peanut butter. In fact, I think it’s safe to say he hates peanut butter. His hatred is so extreme that if he smells or tastes it, he very well may gag and/or vomit. Wow, him and Underdog Nicole, what a Pukin’ Pair they make. I’m sure their clients are really feeling secure as their nauseous stylestants stand behind and over their heads…

Jaclyn gives them their 45 minutes and dangles a “special advantage” in front of the winner and the food fight explodes! Ãœber-Gay Paulo wants his client to look like an octopus attacked her head… just like a sea urchin attacked his…

…”Seriously, the fuckin’ thing was this big!!”…

Meanwhile Bitchy Charlie is sprinkling sea salt on his client’s hair like she’s a giant margarita and saying he’s going to make her look like a “space goddess”… Oooh, just like Heidi Klum, she’s a goddess and she’s not from this planet, either! Charlie must have a fuckin’ magic wand in his messenger bag, because his model looks nothing like Heidi…

…Fairy? Yes! Magical? Not so much…

And our lovely Exotic Nekisa is busy busy busy turning her client into a giant molassesey Cousin It/Samara…

…7 days from now you’ll see the ring and you’ll be deeeeead (which I’m sure you’d rather be than have your hair styled by Nekisa)…

…and as if that wasn’t wacky enough, she’s gonna paint mustard into her client’s hair as a color. Ooh, maybe she’ll use that Dusseldorf Mustard you get in packets at White Castle, it is the loveliest shade of babyshit yellow you’ve ever seen…

Feisty little Underdog Nicole is using hair pieces and caramel to stick it all together, and Exotic Nekisa showcases about 67 tons of chutzpah as she bitchily says “Her ‘do looked like a don’t to me… it was horrible!” and she makes a face…

…funny… that’s the same face everyone else makes when they see your work, Nekisa…

Robert Hallowell is chiding the stylestants for not going back to the Last Supper Table and getting more food to glop onto their clients’ heads… Nicole takes the bait and says she’s gonna go back and get either blueberries… or the squid…

…what in blue fuckyfuck is that face for, Robert?… you’re the one who put all that shit out there!…

Now Bitchy Charlie is gonna drizzle honey over his space goddess’ head and I’m getting so fucking hungry I’m about to gnaw open a couch cushion… where is my Emergency Roll O’ Ritz Crackers? Robert says that honey is really good for your hair because it has lots of minerals. It’s also great on buttered toast and those biscuits from KFC… oh my GAWD, I’ll be right back… I need to go get my FourthMeal on…

Okay, back, and while I was gone I notice that Ãœber-Gay Paulo is back-teasing hair extensions so his client can feel like a “princess that kind of got trapped in time and kind of has these cobwebs…” Hmmmmm, maybe like Mia Sara in a Tom Cruise film before he became a legendary wack-job?…

…Paulo’s is the Lord Of Darkness and this is his queen…

Underdog Nicole is actually going to follow through with her threat to throw clumps of squid on her client’s hair, which is making me not want to eat the delicious fried caramel apple empañada I have here from Taco Bell (worry not, molten lava and Hell’s Angels gangs could not keep me from it’s sweet caramelly appley goodness) but Nicole’s client looks like she’s found herself reincarnated as a 14-year-old and trapped in the closet with a very full-bladdered R. Kelly…

…STOP SQUID GENOCIDE…

In a word: afraid. Before we all puke, let’s move on over to Lesbianaville, where the Mayor Dee is busy brushing buttery goodness into her client’s long straight locks and is telling Robert Hallowell that the girl is going to be her “future Japanimation”. This prompts a sarcastic “Gee, I’ve never heard of ‘Japanimation’ before!” from Bitchy Charlie, to which Dee snaps “Well he didn’t know what it was! You’re just full of insults always Charlie… no respect!” This coming from the saintly woman who called Charlie’s color-job last week “frickin’ drag-queen”…

And as if she read my twisted mind, Underdog Nicole calls the bitch out! “Dee, you have a lotta room to talk about anybody respecting anybody!” Oooohhhhh, Dee don’t like that one bit as she lamely snarls back “Who’s talking to Nicole? No one! So shut up!” Then Dee sticks her tongue out and makes a pppbbffbfblbt! sound… Okay, not really, but it was quickly devolving there. Keep in mind, this mature exchange is all done directly in front of the guest judge Robert Hallowell. Eh, maturity is overrated anyhow.

Dallas Daniel is explaining that he has slathered peanut butter on velcro-rollers and built a giant pyramid on his client’s head, then he added some avocado, and a pair of beets because he liked the color… Bitchy Charlie observes “Chiiiiild, the beets in Daniel’s hairdo… oh my god, they looked like little maroon testicles…”

…when “blue balls” get this bad they turn purple…

Underdog Nicole relented and scraped the squid corpses off her client’s head, choosing to mash some blackberries into it instead, adding a half a banana and some raisin bran to promote a good BM. On the other side of Uggoland, Exotic Nekisa’s client has great big huge gloppy gooey ropes of molasses running down the sides of her head, and she does not look happy about it…

…Bitch betta get dis shit offa my head…

And time is UP! Time to take a trip on the time-warp into the future to see how food + hair = stylishness beyond belief!

…bet it smells funny in there right about now…

The first stylestant for Robert Hallowell to turn his creepy eyes to is Ãœber-Gay Paulo…

She looks like a cross between Marie Antoinette and Prince (a.k.a. “0(+>” ). Paulo says he used the corn syrup as a gel, and the coconut oil as his “shine product” and then he started thinking “space-age ice princess” and started dripping small jewels of corn syrup into the curls so they would look like ice crystals. Robert touches it and his hands get instantly stuck. After yanking them free, however, he says that he really likes it although he doesn’t know how the poor girl is going to get the stuff out of her hair. Heyyy, I thought that’s what your area of expertise was Mr. “Kitchen Beautician”!

Next up is Dallas Daniel’s cold-turkey-from-hayir-spray-experiment…

And I guess that her hair looks kinda futuristic… like Star Trek in the 60′s. Daniel recounts the Saga Of The Peanut Butter again (sympathy votes can’t hurt, I guess) and Robert seems to like the avocado and beet sex-organ on the back of her head. Ew. He would.

And here is Bitchy Charlie and his “space princess”…

I’m not getting “space princess” so much as I’m getting “geriatric Glenn Close”… personally when I think of a space princess this is what comes to mind…

…feel the Force, bitches!…

Robert seems non-committal to Charlie’s creation. Hmmmmmm….

Moving right along to Lesbiana Dee’s futuristic Japanimation doll…

I’m calling bullshit right now, because that’s not Japanimation, that is 80′s one-hit-wonder Regina (you may remember her hit “Baby Love” in which she sounds an awful lot like early 80′s Madonna)… see for yourself…

…but Robert is probly a die-hard Regina fan, and he seems to like what she did.

Hey, let’s go see what our Exotic Nekisa was able to perpetrate…

Her Boobiliciousness gives a loooong drawn out explanation of how she stuck this here and glooped that there and blah blah blah… but Robert says he loves the client’s face, and he’s not pleased that Nekisa covered up her big ol’ eight-head with Plochman’s Artsy-Fartsy-ness…

…”Do you be’lee dis shit? Bitch put semen in my hair!”…

Robert gives Nekisa’s “whatever”-face a great big “whatever”-face right back and moves on to Underdog Nicole and her Surf’N'Turf…

Nicole knows she did a shitty job, but at least she got the squid off of there and although the blackberries look like a pair of dead roaches, she did get kind of a shapey thing going on, it just looks like a giant turd on top of the client’s head.

And Robert wastes no time in calling out Nicole as the loser of today’s Short-Cut Challenge… and does Nicole immediately bitch and whine and try to blame someone or something else for her sucking? She smiles and says “As expected…” and she’s not being sarcastic. Girl knew she fucked up and she admitted it! How refreshing! Maybe you could take notes on this, Nekisa… that is, if you’re not still too busy from your “Iranian Of The Day” duties…

And Robert’s three favorites are Ãœber-Gay Paulo, Dallas Daniel, and Lesbiana Dee! Yay for gays! And you can tell that Dee thinks she’s got this one in the bag, too, right up until the moment Robert announces Paulo as the winner…

…”You mean you bought all that bullshit I made up?!??!”…

…and he does that weird air-humping thing again. I wish he’d stop that, it’s disturbing and exciting at the same time and I’m not comfortable with feeling that way. Anyhow, Paulo will get first pick of client in the Elimination Challenge and “one other advantage”. Ooh, is it a free closed-fist shot at Dee’s head? That’d be an advantage worth celebrating with a lambada-fest!

And speaking of forbidden dances, it’s the Waltz Of The Six Bitches back at Casa De Malo Pelo, and during Wine-Time Bitchy Charlie says to Underdog Nicole “I can’t believe you fucking put a squid in someone’s hair today!” Nicole’s trying to defend by stating “I had to take a risk!” I guess, except you backed off of the risk and went with blackberries instead, so nope, I don’t think so. Charlie moves on to Exotic Nekisa and asks her “Did you think you were gonna win today?” and Nekisa amazingly says “I thought I was gonna be in the top!” and Charlie responds “Did you?” Mm.

Dallas Daniel says “It is gettin’ gooooood up in the hayouse b’cuz evrybody’s startin’ t’hayte each uther!” and his eyes gleam like any good shit-stirring queen’s would. Underdog Nicole and Exotic Nekisa are going at it as Nicole challenges her “At least when I do shit work I can admit it!” and Nekisa incredibly flies off the face of reality as she says “Welll, I will admit it when I do shitty work, too!” Really Nekisa? Cuz it seems like you just blame blame blame whenever you wind up in the bottom 3 out of every 4 times…

Daniel breaks the Hate-Matrix down for us “We’ve got Nekisa haytes Nicowul… Nicowul haytes Dee… Dee haytes Charlay…” Nicole is firing back to Nekisa’s incredibly inaccurate “shitty work” comment as she says “Really? ‘Cuz you’ve been crying a lot!” and Nekisa insists “Yeah, you do a lot of shitty work that you should admit!”

…”My giant glass of boxed wine says that my work isn’t shitty, it’s just misunderstood… and the sink is against me…”…

Nicole’s not even arguing with her as she says “I will be the first to admit that today… to everybody!” and Nekisa comes back with an ultra-bitchy “Good!” Lesbiana Dee is furiously masturbating through her corduroys. Chick fights make her hawt.

It’s Elimination Challenge day, and the stylestants are in a big park somewhere in L.A. where they meet up with SuperGay René Fris, who greets them “Hi hi… todaiy we leff da salonn… to givv you guyss the bigzt supwise evah… Guyss, I thing I see thaim come a-now!… Weady?” and as he looks at a grassy knoll over yonder we see….

…twelve walking bitches…

…and this is where we saw Ãœber-Gay Paulo in the preview screaming and saying “NOOOOoooooooo I don’t wanna do it!” because René confirms his worst fear… that today the doggies are the client. I would be shitting cinderblocks, too…

See, my little sister once took in a stray dog, it was this white puffy thing (don’t ask me about breeds, I can only identify dogs as either “growly-bitey” or “crotch-sniffing” or “fag-chasing”) and although it was a male, she named him Chanté… well, poor Chanté wound up with a real bad case of crusty-poo-round-the-butt-hole and my little-sister developed a complete blindness towards the entire back half of his body, so guess who was handed a pair of dull scissors and the number to Rabies Control and told to “go shake it”? Lemme tellya, being gay does not automatically give you the power to pet-groom (which is why cats are so much more fun to have because they don’t mind licking their own buttholes until they are crusty-poo-free) and I felt really bad for Chanté after I got finished with him, he looked like a walking Picasso and he never let me near him after that… which was fine by me cuz that little fucker had some noxious farts…

Anyhow, not everybody is upset by the doggie-’do challenge known as “Man’s Best Friend” (trés original!)…

…I strongly suspect this happens in Dallas, too… only there are leather harnesses and slings involved…

Lesbiana Dee is not likin’ it, as she gracefully says “When I first saw the dogs, I almost pissed in my pants! I have never cut a dog’s hair, I don’t even have a dog, I have a cat!” Awww, Dee’s a cat person, too? Well you get 2 cool points from me on that, Dee… only 983,712,645 more and we can be BFFs! Bitchy Charlie isn’t real comfortable either as he editorializes “I feel about as confident working with dogs as I would flying a full 747, being filmed, and being judged on it!” Yeah, not to mention the hundreds of people you’d kill, huh Charlie?

René demands their full attention again and says “Paolow, becoss yoo wan yestadaiy Showt Cot Challenche, youlla ged to pig you jockey furzt!” I listened to this 73 times, he clearly says “jockey” but he meant “doggie”, I’m sure. He continues “Yoo ollzo gedta chooss da odor thad da styliss pig they dogs!” which excites Paulo very much and he gleefully shouts “Start kissing my ass, bitches!” Chirp. Chirp. Chirp. Chirp. Okay, no takers there, not too awkward… Paulo winds up picking a gray-haired dog that reminds me of the dog I had when I was two named Cognac who used to shit on my bedroom floor a lot (and people wonder why I’m not a dog person today). This dog is wearing a Blake Lewis-style argyle sweater. In my opinion this constitutes animal abuse…

…Somebody please call Sarah McLachlan or Pamela Anderson…

Then he picks the order of the rest of them… Underdog Nicole, Exotic Nekisa, Bitchy Charlie, Lesbiana Dee (who picks the same dog that I found to be the cutest, but only because it looks so much like a cat) and Dallas Daniel goes last and gets the ADD dog from hell (definitely of the “crotch-sniffer” breed).

But wait! There’s more! Since the dogs can’t walk down the runway on their own (and would probably just pee on it anyways) they’re going to need their owners to be there… and the second part of the challenge is for their owners to be given a cut and style that is inspired by their dog! If I had been on this show with Chanté from long ago, they probably would have chewed up a bunch of Tootsie Rolls and stuck them in a ring around my cow-lick. Then I would have slapped the shit out of somebody and run home crying and eating half-chewed Tootsie Rolls. That’s how I roll…

Anyhow, Ãœber-Gay Paulo is realizing that he missed a vital opportunity by not knowing this, because he was so concentrating on the dog he didn’t bother to look at the owner’s hair, and is afraid he’s gonna be stuck with someone who has bad hair days daily. “These challenges get more and more psychotic!” he moans. Awww, no more air-humping for today I bet…

Back at the Salon, René gives them 2½ hours and a big “Go shaygedd!” and thus begins a totally unfair challenge. The loser should have to go around and clean up all the dogshit that’s going to be smeared all over the Shear Genius Nexxus Salon after today.

Underdog Nicole’s client has super long hair (almost as long as that fucking Rapunzel Challenge from a few weeks ago) and she cuts off five inches of it, but when René points out how short the dog’s hair is, Nicole decides to “take a risk” (with someone else’s hair) and wound up hacking off about 18 inches worth of hair. She hopes this will secure her a win. I think it’s going to secure client hatred, that’s for sure.

Bitchy Charlie is tackling the dog cut first, because that way he’s not going to be sitting there worried while he’s working on the lady’s hair, which makes sense. René wants to know “Whad is you plann to maike you cliend loog like you dog?” and Charlie says something about making a big puff-ball on top of her head to match the dog’s puffy round head… when René asks for clarification on what Charlie means by “puff-ball”, Charlie comes back with “I can’t divulge that, it’s top secret, Rene!” and René isn’t fooled at all as he says “Oh iz thad becauss you doan know yait?” Yikes! Score one for Denmark! Charlie divulges “It’s gonna be a chignon, okay?” Wow, Charlie should work as a government agent… for our enemies.

…Charlie Vs. René: The Words Of Warfare…

Ãœber-Gay Paulo is smartly not going to attempt to dye the owner’s hair gray to match her dog. He’s going to leave the tail long and the fur around the ankles long, so it’ll be like Little Puppy Mukluks! Awww, that sound hideously stupid… but if it will keep him from air-humping, I’m all for it.

René convinces Exotic Nekisa to do some highlights at the last minute. Nekisa always does real well at the last minute. Oh wait, no, she always sucks at the last minute. And the first minute. And all the minutes in between.

Dallas Daniel has cornrowed the tail of his dog (!!!) and is tunelessly singing her name “Lola, Lola, LolaLolaLola… Lola has a pretty hei-neeeeeee!” Ugh, anyone who calls an ass “heiny” should be slapped with a cactus… that’s just too nasal of a word for a beautiful part of the body.

…Heiny hair is hard! Especially when it’s braided!…

Ãœber-Gay Paulo wants Daniel to shut up with the crappy singing, because he’s realizing that cutting dog hair is a lot harder than he thought it would be, and he’s afraid the dog is going to need therapy afterwards. Nah, save it for Exotic Nekisa’s dog-client (who is named “Waffles” by the way… *ack* *urp*)… I’m sure the dog will need to be restrained from throwing itself under the first city bus that comes along, cuz René is back bothering Nekisa and saying the dog’s haircut is waaaaay uneven, too short in some places and too long in others to the point where it “loog pwegnand”. This makes me wonder if René has ever even seen a dog before today… a lot of them look pregnant even when they’re not…

Now he’s up in Bitchy Charlie’s hair (scalp) again and asking “Lissen, who aaa you biggezta combatishun in heer?” to which Charlie smartly replies “My biggest competition is Dee… I think she’s really good technically, I think she’s a really good hairdresser… but, I also think she’s a bitch!” Of course Dee overhears this, and says to her client “He thinks I’m a bitch… but I’ve never even talked to him!” Huh? What’s that about? Well, regardless, Charlie, you might wanna sleep with one gay eye open tonight…

…Shear Genius 2: The Wrath Of Dee…

I know I’d be having nightmares about cross-eyed midgets chasing after me and trying to chomp my clam and feel me up. Watch it, girlfriend. Lesbiana Dee climbs back on top of her moral high-horse as she pontificates “When people talk down about other people it’s because they’re insecure… and he’s getting nervous that, you know, he might possibly go home today!” Thanks for the heads-up, Dee! Now we know why you talk shit about people, too!

René is on an evil streak as he zooms back in on Exotic Nekisa and her client, and he’s asking the client if she’s happy with the styling she’s getting at the hands of Iranian Of The Day. What do you think, Rene?

…”You got any more of those wigs around?”…

The client says she’s not used to curling her hair (i.e. she doesn’t like her hair curled) which causes Nekisa to frantically start flat-ironing the hell out of it in the remaining 10 minutes left. Hmmm, I think we’re headed for a 5:7 suckage:not suckage ratio!

Dallas Daniel is so loving this challenge and his dog Lola that he’s putting blonde extensions clipped to the top of her head! Awww, that Dallas tackiness always finds a way to express itself, doesn’t it?

And it’s time for the Dog Show!… and they’ll be walking their canines, too! (Ba-dum-bump-TSSSsss) We’re back again with Poofy-Lipped Kim Vo, Exhausted’N'Bitchy Kelly Atterton and “celebrity dog trainer” to Jim Carrey, Christina Aguilera and Renee Zellweger… Jenny McCarthy! Wait, isn’t that Jim Carrey’s girlfriend?!? Oh, no, this is a totally different and frumpier Jenny McCarthy (and she goes by “Jennifer” because it’s more serious, ‘kay?)…

…it’s bad enough to be Jenny McCarthy, but it really sucks to be the “other” Jenny McCarthy…

Jaclyn reminds us that today’s challenge was to give a dog a hair cut and capture the similarities between the pet and the dog’s owner. By definition this sounds like a totally insulting challenge, because ladies don’t generally like to be compared to dogs (or be called bitches) so I’d say they’re all fucked.

First up is Bitchy Charlie’s client, Elizabeth and her dog “Copito”…

Ummmm, I dunno for sure, but it looks like he just brushed the dog and made the woman into Miss Havisham Just Up From Her Nap… Charlie thinks she could wear this hair to go out to dinner or a movie… I’d totally agree… if she’s eating at Mickey D’s and visiting the Dollar Theatres… maybe…

Next up is Paulo’s client, Narcissa (?!?!) and her dog “Cashus”…

Dog again looks the same and now Narcissa can never live up to her name because she has brassy harsh blonde swaths on the bottom sides of her head. Seriously bad judgment, Paulo…

But if we thought that sucked, well, let’s check out Exotic Nekisa’s client, Karen and the illustrious “Waffles”…

Now the dog has a stupid doink on top of it’s head, and poor Karen got the poor woman’s version of Nekisa’s own highlights (only more brassy and artificial) plus she made sure to emphasize the roundness of Karen’s head. This woman is seriously gifted… at making people look like runny dogshit…

Enough of that, lets see what Underdog Nicole did with her client, Betsy and her dog “Tuhulu”…

Actually I think she did a pretty good job of updating Betsy’s tired 70′s middle-parted long-straight no-style with something fun and kicky, plus she gave the woman some better blended highlights… it also seems like she actually cleaned up the dog’s facial fur, too. All right for Nicole not sucking!

Now we have Lesbiana Dee’s client “Sno” (for realsies?!) and her dog “Bella”…

I also begrudgingly liked what Dee did (cuz really, that dog was cute as a button, and I am so not a dog person) and she chose Bella wisely because of her sticky-uppy tail-thingy that she could recreate on the back of Sno’s head. Plus I bet she helped herself to some hefty ogling of Sno’s rack. The only thing that puts me off about this is Dee insisting on calling it an “edgy, rocker look”, because she calls everything she does an “edgy, rocker look”.

Last up is Dallas Daniel’s client Holly and the hawt-heinied Lola (plus extensions!)…

I’d say it’s a good bet that they both got “Dallas Hayiricized”. Strangely, it works. Sort of. Right up until the dog eats the extensions, anyway. Holly looks a tad matronly to me, her look says “Sue Ellen 1984″ to me. Since he’s first up for judges grilling he says Holly had “vayrey uneven coloring…” and he goes on to insult her by saying “Appayrentley payple in Califowrniuh don’t git professional color done vayrey often!” Yup, if it’s one thing California (and especially L.A.) is known for, it’s a dearth of professional colorists and/or stylists…

…”Ohhhh, you are so not winning it now, bitch!”…

Way to insult your client, a judge, the city of Hollywood and the entire state of California’s Cosmetology Community, Daniel! I don’t think we’ll be seeing your oil baroness’ hairdo on the “Allure Coke-Machine Of Fame” anytime soon!

Actually the judges are pretty nice to him and he gets some love for the “softness” of Holly’s hairdo.

Moving on to Exotic Nekisa, she claims she made her client Karen look a lot like “Waffles”, which causes Kim Vo to stop her and disagree that they do not in any way look at all alike. Kelly Atterton jumps in wanting to know what kind of product was used on Karen’s hair because it looks like it’s been weighed down… and here we go…

…”Okay, so the moon was not in the seventh house, nor was Jupiter aligned with Mars…”…

Excuses Nekisa says that she had put all these curls in Karen’s hair, and at the last moment “they both” didn’t like it and so she flatironed them all out. Okay, whatever, same as it ever was, what happened to that whole big speech about admitting when you do shitty work, girl? Ehhh, moving on…

Ãœber-Gay Paulo gets some ass-reaming from Kim Vo about his color choices on Narcissa, but gets good marks from Jennifer McCarthy on “Cashus’” new set of fur “leg-warmers”. Lesbiana Dee gets good marks for using product on the dog “Bella”, and her color-matching and the spiky-poof matching.

Bitchy Charlie gives a long gassy explanation of his Deposed Empress Dowager look, which makes Kim Vo and Jaclyn exchange a humorous glance and giggle because you know they’re not believing a word of it. When he finally finishes Kim laughs and says “Charlie! Where are you?!? It’s very hard to look matronly and crazy, and you’ve accomplished it with her hair… I mean were you into this one?”

Thinking for a split-second, Charlie flippantly answers “Ummmm, no.” which earns him an instant Death Glareâ„¢ from Kelly Atterton…

…Kelly takes these challenges very seriously, you do not ever want to admit that you don’t…

Ouch. I think Charlie misjudged how casually he can address these people, because you can tell the judges did not like his blasé attitude at all. I’m afraid and skerd for him now. Dammit Charlie, that was fucking stooopid!

Last up, Underdog Nicole mentions the 17 inches of hair they cut off, but her client Betsy liked the changes, which is cool for her!

And so the Top Two this week are Dallas Daniel and Lesbiana Dee… and the winner and “Top Dawg” tonight is… Lesbiana Dee! Woof-woof! Everybody is happy (except I can see Bitchy Charlie making that gay little sarcastic “quiet-clap” in the background… oh, suck it up, Mary, she beat you this time!) and Dee does that “Boxer Dance” she likes so much…

Now for the Bottom Three, which are Bitchy Charlie, Ãœber-Gay Paulo and Excuses Nekisa… Jaclyn tells Charlie that obviously his heart wasn’t in this challenge and wants to know if he really wants to be there. He insists he does, but says he never wanted to cut a dog’s hair and he never wants to ever again (which earns him another Death Glareâ„¢ from Kelly Atterton)… and he’s safe! Dee looks pissed! I live for this shit! Awesome TV! Thank you Bravo!

So it’s down to Paulo and Nekisa… and tonight’s evictee is… EXOTIC NEKISA!!!! Now, I’m humping the air! FINALLY!! Nekisa does show a tad of professionalism by saying that it was great meeting everyone and that even though she was on the bottom… “I always come out on top!” Awww, keep telling yourself that, sweetie! (the other stylestants all laughed, too, some of them at her and not with her). Dee rushes in to cop one last boobie-feel…

…come to Mama Dee…

Weirdly enough, Nekisa and Bitchy Charlie share a hug! Now Dee looks like she’s ready to cry. Cheer up, girl, without those distracting breasts around you’re likely to do even better!

In her exit interview, Nekisa says “You know, it’s never easy to be told that you’re not the best… but I’m taking away so many things from this competition! I learned how to be tough, I learned how to be focused, all these things and I’m proud of myself…” Oh wow, I’m about to slide out of my chair in unconsciousness again if there has been even more Actual Personal Growth on this show…

…but before I can, Nekisa negates all of her previous bullshit as she whines “Waaaaaffffuullllls! You little shit, you got me kicked off the show!”

…”It’s not my faaaaaaaault!”…

To be fair, she is kinda laughing as she says this… but I spy the hard shine of a Kernel Of Truth in there… and really, did we expect anything less? Or more?

What did you think of this episode? Did you think forcing a hairstylist to work on an animal was unfair? Are you glad that Nekisa is finally gone? Do you think that Kelly Atterton has been laid in the last year at all? Share your thoughts as I have so freely shared mine…

As always, my love to you gasmii and your kindness keeps me coming back week after week…

love, J-Mo