Shear Genius: Blondes Have More Issues

Hello friends. Let’s talk for a minute about that friend you have (and yes, of course behind her back… duh, it’s called manners)… you know the one I mean, she is tall, thin, good-looking, has a great job, awesome wardrobe, cool car, sweet house, plenty of cash, a smokin’-hot body and is usually surrounded by swarms of other superhot people, all of them dying for a teensy crumb of her attention. It doesn’t help that she’s extremely nice, kind to animals and children (in that order), and uncomplainingly spends time with smelly/horny old people (that she’s not even related to) who then die and leave her their estates that consist of 4,287 pairs of moldy mittens and several bearer bonds. She’s empathetic to a fault (sob stories on American Idol make her cry) and generous to the point of foolishness (which doesn’t matter because she wins the lottery every other week) and she’s always finding an extra $50 bill in her purse that she “forgot she had” and winds up treating you to lunch. If she happens to be super-intelligent to boot, well, then she is pretty much walking proof that there is no God. Above all of this, there’s always one unifying characteristic she shares with all others like her: she’s blonde. If you are cursed with this friend whose very blondeness seems to be her ticket to the Sunny Side Of Lifeâ„¢ on every day of every week of every year, then this episode…

…is your chance at bloodless revenge…

…because on tonight’s episode of Shear Genius, we will be taking a harsh look at what I like to call: When Blondes Go Bad: Step Away From The Miss Clairol, Bitch! Besides that, we will also be witnessing a food-hair challenge (which is weird, because most of the time when hair is combined with food, the outcome is screaming and threats and comped meals) and Kim Vo tries to get us all to use his catchword “Blondorexia”. Also, BrigALoon starts weaving her web of intrigue and mind-fuckery on her fellow stylestants, to surprising results. Let’s grab some brownies and chocolate (and any other brunette foods you can think of) and take the jump!…Okay, for starters, I think we’ve all pretty much established that Jaclyn Smith was our Jesus on this show, while Camila Alves’ and her tenuous grasp of English is definitely Satan. Her bitchy, wooden and detached delivery is definitely dark-sided as well…

…so I’m sure she feels right at home next to the Self-Centered Angel Of Deathâ„¢ here…

Today they’re going to start off with a giant game of Twister…

…or Kotex is one of our new sponsors…

Cameltoe greets them “Oi ayvreywann!” and congratulates Janine Garofalo on her win last week…

…although the joyful impact of her victory is somewhat diminished by ill-placed advertising…

…and proudly points out that Garofalo’s winning estyle is now featured on the Allure Bus-Stop Ad Of Fame!…

…lionesses are the new cougars… rraaawrrr!…

Ohhh, I forgot all about the “Wall Of Lame Fame”! In any case, Garofalo is super-happy that her exploded blonde is up there for all to see, she feels like it redeems the Miss Swan she perpetrated on her punk chick earlier in the last episode. Everybody else is being really nice to her, too, mostly because they’re not reminding her that nothing will ever erase the collective memory of how much that bowl-cut sucked.

Suddenly, Jack-A-’Mo’s raising his hand and asking to make an announcement! Oooh, drama! He’s asking to leave the show because he’s got “three beautiful babies at home” and is “having a hard time without them” so he’s going to “bow out gracefully”…

…and in other news: “giacomo” can be translated as “pussy ass”…

Um, this is coming from the guy who has been constantly talking like he’s a supah-stah of the HairWorldâ„¢ and acting like he’s such a stud that he’s ready to bend Cameltoe over his stylist’s chair and violate her in front of everyone? Is anybody else buying this excuse?…

…Brialien is completely unfamiliar with the social subtleties of the creatures on this planet, and even he’s giving a great big eye-roll…

Fatty-Ma pipes up to say that they all knew it would be really hard to be away from their families for less than a month such a long time, she thinks it’s a cheap excuse on Jack-A-’Mo’s part to leave, and the other squinchy faces in the group say everyone agrees with her. I suspect poor Jack-A-’Mo got a pair of icy balls when he realized how hard it would be to compete with TrannyLips, MattBian and the force of nature that is BrigADork and now he’s heading for the hills of home. Of course, he insists that his daughters are far more important to him than “a billion dollars”…

…Whatever. Bye, pussy ass…

Okay, as Jack-A-’Mo heads off to go front his new Van Halen cover band (called InHalen / ExHalen) let’s move on to today’s Shortcut Challenge and meet today’s guest judge!…

…†A: “Heeeyyyyyyyy!”…

†Q: What do gay horses eat?

Cameltoe garbles that “Keem eez conseedare Hollawuss mahstaer collareest” and is responsible for coloring the likes of Katherine Heigl, Kate Hudson and Britney Spears. Wow, are people still listing the Britster on their resumés these days? Anyhow, since Kim’s all about color, then naturally today’s challenge will be all about color as well. This announcement causes 80′s face to drain of all it’s color…

…or maybe his Robert Palmer suit and skinny 80′s tie is cutting off his circulation…

Why is he so freaked out? Well, because for the last 7 years he’s had a “colorist… assistant” right by his side to do all of that for him. Yeah, well, fuck the “assistant” part, he’s been giving work directly to a colorist and not bothering to perfect it himself. This falls under what I like to call TCIS, or “Top Chef Igorance Syndrome”. This means that even though people watch Top Chef regularly and see that again and again desserts are a bitch and people get sent home all the time for fucking them up, nobody ever seems to take the proactive approach and learn a little pastry arts before they wind up on the show. It’s always diarrhea-faces and Jell-Oâ„¢ instant pudding slopped over graham crackers and people crying as they get eliminated for it.

The same thing goes for Shear Genius: at least a third of the challenges are usually color-related, often really ugly color-fixing, so what stylist in their right mind would apply to be on the show and not know color?…

…for starters, this dumbass…

80′s bowels are about to get even hotter and looser as their ladyclients come into the salon. Fatty-Ma notes that every single one of them needs hair 911, “No one deserves that hair, not even a two-dollar hooker!”…

…”Now dollar-store hoes on the other hand…”…

Actually, she’s right on the money, these ladies’ hair is ten kinds of tragic…

…this is the shit that happens when you see yourself in Féria… every other fucking day…

The one with the white-blonde gang-bang pornmop is looking especially twitchy and weird, like she was sleeping peacefully on Sunset Boulevard outside the Whisky-A-Go-Go where she was tossed out of a moving car the previous night before some Bravo PA rounded her up into a car, gave her a clean set of jeans and a tank top and dumped her ass off here. Girlfriend looks seriously broke down…

…which naturally doesn’t stop 80 from helping himself to a double-heaping eyeful of her tits…

Gross. Anyhow, Kim-Chee is saying that L.A. is known as a “mecca of ultimate blondes” and that while a lot of L.A. ladies try to achieve what they think is a natural look in that respect, in reality they are what he calls “blondorexic”…

…”Whozzat pretty li’l Azian girl ‘n’why iz she talking about mee?”…

So the Shortcut Challenge is for the stylestants to transform these hoes’ brittle, dry, overprocessed, don’t-light-a-match-around-it head-straw into sleek, shiny, healthy, color-fixed hair. In two hours. With one hand. While juggling. Let’s grab scissor boxes to see who gets extra fucked by being stuck with PornMop!

Luckily for 80 and his crappy coloring skills, he landed the box with “1″ in it, so at least he’s got the chance to pick someone with both lesser problems and maybe less hair…

…and naturally his instincts are to fuck things up and blow his good fortune…

In the end his penis wins the argument and he chooses a model who, while pretty, also happens to have 63 cubic feet of hair. Because it would have been stupid to choose a less cute chick with hair that could help you actually win this round, right 80? Am I wrong here?…

…Nope. Garofalo agrees. …

Oh well, I’m sure he’ll go all Brit-psycho when he loses and then try to prove what a man he still is by busting up some defenseless bottles of leave-in conditioner. Dumbass. The others are slowly choosing their models, and BrigAToon is noticing that everybody is leaving poor old twitchy PornMop alone, mostly because her entire head looks melted and her hair will probably fall out anyhow in the next week or so. The only problem here is that BrigAToon has number “10″ and will be going last, which means her chances of getting stuck with PornMop are pretty damn good unless she does something quickly.

Well, since MattBian has number “9″ (paulisdead) crafty ole BrigAGoon starts whispering to him that she really wants PornMop…

…the simple fact that she’s calling him “baby” should have been a dead giveaway right then and there…

The results? He totally fucking falls for it!!! Oh my dear sweet Jesus, did I say that BrigADoom was the stupid one? I take that back, she’s fucking brilliant, especially when she got MattBian to act all superior in his interview as he says “I’m totally stealing your model!”…

…LOLZbian…

As MattBian struts away with his chest all puffed out thinking he’s just screwed over BrigADupe by snagging PornMop, she keeps a pretty good pokerface and introduces herself to the remaining model who looks like she might be all right if they can get her to use some V05 Hot Oil Treatment. I must say, I was impressed at her bold move there. We’ll see how it pans out in a few minutes.

Kim-Chee calls for their time to start, and everybody’s frantically pulling out piles of foils, mixing color, and trying to figure out how to resurrect hair that’s long since passed into the AfterWorld. MattBian’s trying to convince PornMop to allow him to make a pretty drastic “statement” with her hair color, and I suspect she’s not really with it, because she just kinda nods and giggles in her creepy little-girl voice…

…”Tee hee, Daddy’z gonna make mee look rilly piddy-piddy wif my new hairsies, heeeee!”…

He’s lucky, because he’s about the only one who seems to be able to effect some kind of change on his model. Everybody else, on the other hand, has run into the Wall Of Client. Fatty-Ma sums up her client’s obstinacy best, “Of course she wants to ‘stay blonde’, like they always do, even though her hair is fried.” 80′s analogy is far less apropos (but he makes up for it in sheer oogy bizarreness) as he likens it to paying a hooker $1500.00 for sex and then when you get her behind closed doors all she wants to do is cuddle. Yeah, if any of these girls were getting $1500.00 to be on this show, I’m sure they’d allow the stylestants to dye their hair vagina-pink and babyshit yellow if they wanted to. In other words, 80′s is still an idiot.

Speaking of Bridiots, Brialien is boring his model to tears with a story about how this one time he went to the Vatican and they had “ancient Egyptian mommies there” (I swear that’s how he said it) and they had dyed hair, too! Fascinating. I wonder how that comment makes her feel…

…”Yes, working with your hair reminds me of a 2,000-year-old corpse!”…

Amyrexia’s model is digging in her heels, too. After making several suggestions and having them all shot down, Amy’s got the best passive-aggressive line of the entire episode… when the bitch in her chair fake-apologizes for not being the least bit flexible she replies, “No no, I’ve just gotta try and think of a way of winning with you without me being able to do anything, so it’s kind of a li’l bit hard!” LOL, Amyrexia!

Kim-Chee’s finding this out, too, as he visits Fatty-Ma, TrannyLips, AmyRexia, Brialien, and Arz-Oh and hears one after the other that all of their models insist on staying blonde. Kim tries to blame them for not working harder on changing their clients’ minds, but since they’re being judged partially on “client satisfaction” most of them are pretty much throwing up their hands. Kimmy cannot believe nobody paid attention to his catch-word! He starts getting in a snit, “Did anyone hear ‘blondorexic’? Did any of you hear that word ‘blondorexic’?!? Helloooo guys! Blondorexic, blondorexic!!!”…

…Shut up, Kim. Blondorexics do not like being called out on their shit…

He better simmer down before somebody starts yelling out “Helloooo, Plastic Surgerexic!” Meanwhile, BrigAnnoying’s looking around at all the foiling going on and thinks the others are all a bunch of pussies for not being able to convince their models to go with a different color. Her girl is going to become a redhead, which, okay, it could be worse, she could be getting that awful urine color that BrigADope sports.

MattBian’s starting to realize he got hoodwinked, too, and he’s afraid that PornMop’s hair is just so empty and lifeless that it won’t even take a new color, the stuff’ll just wash right out. Still, he’s going full out and tells Kim-Chee he’s changing her to a Jessica Rabbit Redâ„¢. Lord knows she’s already got the tits.

Meanwhile, 80′s girl is picking up satellite transmissions…

…I hope she’s not getting Tabatha’s Salon Takeover, ‘cuz Lady T would not be pleased with all that shit on her head…

The mere fact that she looks like a radar dish is telling everyone else that 80 really has no fucking clue what he’s doing, and the others think he was a giant dope for picking a model that had so much hair if he didn’t have strong coloring skills. They’re all a little bit behind my own thought process, but I’m glad to see we all came out in the same place.

30 minutes left. Suddenly there’s a scream and crying! Did Jack-A-’Mo come back? Nope, looks like Brialien’s girl has somehow managed to get hair-bleach in her eye and now she’s weeping uncontrollably…

…or maybe she’s seen how much she now resembles Jiffy-Pop Popcorn?…

Brialien is freaking out, he’s never done that to a human anyone before, and he feels terrible. He gets his client over to the eye-washing station and tries to salvage her vision, but meanwhile the clock is still ticking and he needs to get those 8 zillion foils off her head or he’s gonna have to try and pretend that her new hair-color is silver.

80′s still trying to tell us how awesome he is and how many awards he’s won for “what he does” (which is clearly not coloring) but he knows he’s a slow-ass colorer and that time’s rapidly running out on him, too. MattBian’s also shitting a color-brick because while he managed to make PornMop’s hair shiny and healthy again, she looks waaaaay different than all the other models. Except BrigADolt’s girl, who is on an island unto herself. And that island’s name is “Weed-Whacked”. Garofalo tells us it’s a hideous cut and that “It looked like she bit it off!” Never at a loss for words, BrigADolt tries to cover her massive fuckup by insisting to her model that “Hey, messy is sexy!”…

…if so, then this is the only instance I can think of where it sucks to be sexy…

Time is up, and Cameltoe tells everyone to stop. Of course, 80 acts like a total dick and keeps on blow-drying, pretending like he doesn’t know that time is up. Granted, the extra 10 seconds aren’t going to help him any, but still I think his skanky crusty ass should be disqualified for taking any extra time at all. Was it worth it?…

…well, do they give out awards for making someone’s natural hair look like a cheap wig?…

Wait, did he just spend 2 hours dyeing her hair the exact same color? The answer is no, because look what he did to the back of it…

…ahh, so he shoved her head up the Charminâ„¢ Bear’s ass then?…

Kim-Chee quite haughtily tells 80 that this hideous backsplash of brown is a look that was dated even three years ago here in the U.S. and that he was hoping for more of that current “London vibe” from him. 80 just repeats that it’s “cool for cats” again and privately admits the look is dated, but “the bob’s been around for a hundred years and we’re still doing it.” Good point. No sale. That shit is fug.

Next up is Brialien’s newly half-blinded client…

…who now clearly wishes he’d gone ahead and fried her other eye as well…

Wow. Just wow. Here’s how Cameltoe and Kim-Chee are looking at him…

…for once I understand exactly what Cameltoe is saying!…

After a moment of dead silence, Cameltoe is all, yeah, she could never walk out of the salon looking like that (especially the Shear Genius Salonâ„¢!), people would beat her senseless before she got to her car. Brialien’s trying to fudge it and say he really thinks the shit-brown streaks are beautiful and then he makes another huge mistake by saying that once she has a chance to shampoo it a couple of times at home, the shit brown will become more of a dried-turd brown and her hair will just be “perfect”. That’s when Kim-Chee calls him flat-out “crazy” and brings up the fact that not only did he half-blind her with the bleach, but now he’s trying to openly bullshit her by saying that in a couple of weeks she’ll look really good. Brialien is speechless. Or he’s getting instructions from his home planet that are screaming for him to just shut the bleep up.

Here’s Fatty-Ma’s work…

…here we go, someone always has to bust out the Rachel cut, it’s one of the easiest cheats in hairdressing!…

KIDDING! Nobody said that, but it would have been funny if they’d thrown that bitchy shit from last week in her face. Kim-Chee says that she needs to be careful putting low-lights near a client’s face because it darkens everything and that’s just wrong. But other than that, she didn’t blind anybody, or put big shit-brown streaks in it, so she’s golden.

And I apologize for mistaking TrannyLips’ first name as something so bourgeosie as “Jon” with a hard “J”, apparently it’s actually pronounced “Yawn”, so, my bad. Here’s Yawn’s bitch…

…yup, another 2 hours of useless…

After feeling the hair, Kim proclaims it healthy but thinks she should have gone with a dark color. TrannyLips snaps right back that the bitch didn’t wanna do anything different and he couldn’t force her so fuck off. Only he said it mean. And only with his eyes. His mouth actually said “She felt more comfortable with the blonde that she had.”

Moving right along to Arz-Oh’s client…

…who was clearly terrorized and physically abused by her old hair…

Arz-Oh tries to point out that she gave the girl “dimensional color” but Kim-Chee ain’t having it, saying she just still looks blonde to him. Arz-Oh shrugs and says she likes it, thinks it’s a great natural soft color and that it rocks. If I was Kim, I would prolly have been mimicking and mocking her openly by making Beaker-Face while she was talking back to me. After all, he worked with Britney Spears.

Speaking of hair that rawks, let’s see how our ApRebel did…

…Great. Now she can join the cast of The Real Horny Soccer Moms of L.A. County…

Oooh, Kim-Chee thinks it looks exactly the same “like she just had her roots done!” and then delivers the final blow: the the coloring is “not age-appropriate”, he thinks the ashy look actually aged her. Ouch! ApRebel tells us she thinks that judgment was harsh…

…because if anybody knows harsh…

Let’s move on to AmyRexia’s chick before my TV screen cracks down the middle…

…damn if she didn’t take a beautiful thing like Farrah-hair and turn it into Drunken-Nicole-Richie-hair…

Argh, come on girl! Kim-Chee says that by cooling down her color so much in conjunction with her skin tone, this girl is gonna have to wear a lot more makeup than normal…

…There. All better. …

She really looks like a tranny hooker now, so I guess that wouldn’t be such a bad choice for her at this point. Still, it seems a little unfair, all these chicks were total dyehards, it’s not totally the stylestants’ faults.

Checking in with Garofalo…

…amazing how her client became caucasian again…

She’s got nice color, and it certainly looks better than before, but Kim-Chee wishes it had been a little brighter, so, meh.

Wow, let’s see how much MattBian was able to transform PornMop…

…amazing how his client became human again…

She’s still kind of a PornMop, but at least it’s a healthy-looking PornMop (like maybe the kind you see in adult films that have an actual budget and not just a blurry scene on one of those gross-ass 4 Hour Crapilation DVDs. Not that I’ve ever actually owned seen one of those things, but I’ve heard that’s what they’re like). Anyhow, Kimmy’s just beside himself over the transformation. MattBian lisps that now she’s this totally hot “vixthen” and before he can fly any higher, Kim-Chee makes sure to mention that he wishes it didn’t look so “artificial”…

…yeah, as if there was anything “natural” left on her…

…but still, she looks amazing compared to her earlier Mad Max Beyond ThunderDome ‘Do. Well done, MattBian! I have to give it up for your ballsy move. Now if you could just give up those silly flannels and garage-monkey shirts.

Last in line tonight is our Master Schemer, BrigAPoon and her MessySexy Modelâ„¢…

…ummm, I can still see teeth-marks on her…

Wow, she took a lot of hair off, and Kim-Chee wishes she’d given the red color some depth but he lets her off fairly easily. Nobody mentions how sexy she’s looking. Mostly because she doesn’t. Pillow-hair is only sexy when you’re in the middle of making it be that way.

So in the Bottom Three tonight are Mr. 80 for doing a dated look (that matched his own), ApRebel for sending her lady sailing off into a pee-smelling retirement home, and naturally Brialien for boning the entire ShortCut Challenge from up to down and side to side. Of course, Brialien still insists his wasn’t the worst color that was perpetrated in the bunch…

…Let me make it clear for everybody. Yes, it was. …

On to happier things, the Top Three are Yawn TrannyLips, whose client is “exactly updated” in Kim-Chee-ese, Garofalo for modernizing her girl, and MattBian for saving PornMop’s life. And, duh, it’s MattBian for the win! BWAHAHAHAHAHA….

…so suck on it BrigADuped!…

Yah, her brilliant plan totally backfired on her, but to be fair she actually gives MattBian credit and admits she underestimated his coloring skills. I must say I’m kinda impressed, too, and I think I dare say he might be one of the Final Three? Well, in the short-term he’s gonna get some kind of advantage in the following day’s Elimination Challenge.

Back at the Highrise House Of Hairtredâ„¢, Brialien’s in bed writing a letter…

…”Dear Penthouse Forum…”…

KIDDING! Actually he’s writing in his diary about what a shitty day he had today and how he came in dead-last, and even worse, if he doesn’t do better tomorrow he’ll be going home on his birthday! Waow ♪ waow ♪ waow ♪ waaaaaaow. Well, Brialien, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but traumatic things can still happen to you on your birthday…

…just ask Molly Ringwald…

The following day the stylestants all meet up poolside at the iconic Hotel Roosevelt, which is famous for it’s giant neon sign that says “Hotel Roosevelt”, and the fact that it is supposedly haunted by the ghost of Marilyn Monroe. Of course, this would have been a great lead-in from yesterday’s challenge about “Ultimate Hollywood Blondes” to do something Marilyn-related, but that would have made sense and therefore is not going to happen on this show. Anyhow, Cameltoe is there already, and looking like she just stepped off the set of Madonna’s “Human Nature” video…

…I nod joo beetch, doan hang joo sheet on mee!…

Cameltoe welcomes them and tells them that tonight the Dakota Restaurant is going to present their new horribly overpriced menu to the public. Whatever does that have to do with a hairstyling competition? Luckily we have lightning-fast BrigADense here to figure it out for us. See, she’s noticed this huge table where there are a bunch of covered platters, and she’s got a great nose and she can smell fish…

…”…and my legs are closed, so I know for once it’s not me…”…

…yup, Cameltoe introduces Jason Johnston, executive chef at the Dakota Restaurant (who barely gets to say hello) and reveals that the Elimination Challenge is for them to create a hairstyle based on the colors, textures and presentation of dishes on his new insanely expensive menu. The hairstyles will be worn by servers from the restaurant that very night. Now they get to pick their dishes (and taste them!) in random order, starting with Brialien, who gets a weird-looking chocolate mousse, followed by ApRebel who selects an heirloom tomato salad, and Yawn TrannyLips winds up with a plate of scallops…

…and here we go again with the show turning into Top Scallip…

BrigADump gets a fallen plate of tiramisu, while Amyrexia is cruelly saddled with a delicously giant burger (with baaaaacon on it!). Garofalo gets stuck with a boring-ass beet salad (zzzz) and 80 is going to have a chance to fuck up steak tartare (which he naturally calls “sexy” because that’s apparently the only other adjective he knows besides “cool for cats”). He also thinks it’s perfect that he got such a meaty dish because his nickname actually was “The Butcher” from the days when he was a slaughterman…

…oddly enough, “The Butcher” is not such a great nickname for hairdressers…

MattBian uncovers a plate of yellowtail hamachi, Arz-Oh lands tuna tataki, and lastly our Fatty-Ma picks a great big plate of orange flan, which is something she’s never had before since she’s from Mississippi. Girl, just think of a mixture of orange Jell-O and pudding. Blech.

So what was MattBian’s big advantage from winning the ShortCut Challenge? He gets to switch dishes with anyone else he chooses! Oooh, this would be his perfect chance to strike back at BrigADevious for her tricking him yesterday, and I’m almost certain they don’t have yellowtail hamachi in bass-ackwards ol’ Simi Valley, so she’d be totally screwed! So what’s it gonna be? “I’m gonna stick with mine, it’s my favorite food.” *sigh* A.) Boring as fuck, MattBian, and B.) way to perpetuate the stereotype of the fish-obsessed lesbiana…

…and C.) not to mention the unhealthy fascination with Justin Timberlake hats…

Since Garofalo won last week’s Elimination Challenge, she has immunity this week and can fuck up as much as she likes. She believes she’s going to really go wild and crazy since she’s got nothing to fear. I’ll believe that when she stops wearing all those shapeless 80′s secretary outfits…

…”Maybe I’ll put a li’l Skinny’N'Sweet on it!”…

They’ve got 2 hours and they’ve also been given a bunch of other random shit they can use, like styrofoam balls and fruits and office supplies and power tools. BrigADesigner’s gonna use whatever’s put in front of her…

…since God clearly didn’t give her much in front to begin with…

MattBian’s sneering at her grabbing everything in sight and snottily opines that “if you have to use styrofoam crap then you’re kind of a shitty hairdresser!” Well, DUH, MattBian, but that doesn’t mean you have to ruin our fun, does it? You’re just pissed because she got you good yesterday and you’re lucky you had the skills to pull it out. Let BrigADestruct implode in her own sweet time!

I mean, it’s already happening as we speak, because she’s going to use the black-and-white striping on the cylindrical choco-cookies garnishing the tiramisu as the inspiration for the entire look…

…isn’t that just the quirkiest??!?…

Zebra stripes are klassy. Meanwhile Arz-Oh says her tuna tataki was super-spicy so she’s making her server’s hair look spicy, too. If she’s not using red glitter-spray then I don’t believe her. Also, Yawn TrannyLips is going to make his server’s hair into a huge beehive with several barrel-curls attached and leaves sticking out. It sounds a tad literal to me, but I have to give it up to TrannyLips when he mentions that he does not use assistants at his salon, he does everything for his clients himself, so he knows how to manage his time. Now if he could just manage his collagen intake.

Brialien’s actually excited to make his server’s head into a plate of chocolate mousse, and he’s planning to use brown hair extensions to make a big chocolatey puff that he will then drizzle cream-colored hair around that. Sweet. I think I’ll go have some ice cream. Be right back.

Back over in QuirkyVille, BrigADump is busily stabbing her server’s scalp with bobby pins…

…this comes just as she tells us she can “do this in her sleep”…

It almost looks like she’s trying to recreate her Minnie Mouse hair-bow on the girl, only tackier. Speaking of tacky, TrannyLips has noticed how talented MattBian is, and is starting to feel like maybe he should shove him down a flight of stairs, a la Showgirls. Or maybe they’ll have sex, which would probably feel exactly the same way. Anyhow, time is up, they are heading over to the Hotel Roosevelt where in addition to Cameltoe, Kim-Chee and The Ant, they have “cewebridee guess jodch” Joel Warren…

…who obviously doesn’t feel the need to be a walking advertisement of his colorist skills…

I don’t recognize the guy, but again, he’s a stah in the Hair Universeâ„¢ so everybody else is peeing a little. Yay for peeing, I guess. Let’s start the judging with MattBian’s ode to yellowtail hamachi…

…scarier than Hatsumomo…

He’s pretty pleased with how his work turned out, but when she turns around he sees that her fishtail braid has come undone and looks really messy. Joel Gray there is smirking ‘cuz he sees it, too. But other than that, it’s clean and kinda striking. I just don’t like the whole fish connection, bluh. Let’s move on to ApRebel’s awesome rawkin’ heirloom tomato salad (a.k.a just plain superchunky salsa)…

…how 60′s…

All ApRebel can say is that she think’s it’s “a lot of fun” to have a vine creeping up through that beehive. I’ve seen this exact same hair done in a drag pageant, only less vinaigrettey. Oh well, time to check out Amyrexia’s Big Bacon Burger…

…and it’s back to the dollar menu for you, Amy…

Besides being insanely hungry, she was worried that her style was more on the glamourous tip (*snort*) than the avant-garde direction most of the others went in. She certainly is pleased with the colors (MattBian thinks it looks like she actually squirted ketchup in her server’s hair). Kim-Chee whispers to the other judges that he would have given extra points if she had used Princess Leia buns. I whisper to the TV “Rehearsed much, Kim?” I wish The Ant would slap him sometimes. Oh well, take a look at how Yawn TrannyLips scallips worked out…

…better than they ever do on Top Chef…

Truthfully, jacked up lips or not, that was pretty well-done (scallop-searing jokes aside) and I think ole TrannyLips might also be a contender for Top Three. You know who else might be in that Top Three? Not 80! Here’s why…

…let me guess: this is “sexy”…

Sure enough, 80 says he’s really into it, it’s “soft” and (haIknewit!) “sexy” and not so harsh and angular as the others. It also looks like food poisoning, but at least this kind of styling will keep her from having to ask someone to hold it for her while she vomits, so there’s kind of a “girl-power” element there, I guess. I’m getting queasy, which means it’s the perfect time for us to look at what Garofalo did…

…I’m hearing Bozo The Clown’s theme song…

Wow. Well, she certainly didn’t play it safe, and that’s something, but it also looks like the judges are openly laughing at it. Eh, who cares, she’s not in the running for elimination anyhow, and that was certainly fun. How about we take a visit to SpicyVille and see Arz-Oh’s creation…

…where we can marvel at the weird wires sticking out of this poor girl’s head…

Arz-Oh repeats the word “spicy” a bunch more times to try and convince us this isn’t boring. She’s insisting that it looks polished and amazing and glamourous and “like she’s ready to serve some fish!” Ohhh-kay. I didn’t know you needed a brown pageant-y updo for that, but whatever, I’m not the one judging this stuff…

…these bitches are…

LOL, Joel! Now you’re in the spirit of things! For further hilarity, let’s check Fatty-Ma’s wobbly orange Bill Cosby dreaminess…

… *gasp* Did she really just make a mixture of orangello and lemongello on that girl’s head?…

She’s feeling good about it and feels she capture the light, fluffy, airy feeling of flan, so I ain’t gonna say anything else about it. Other than this: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And now that I have that out of my system, I’m ready to look at BrigADrama’s crap style…

…I have no words…

Oh yes I do: stupid, fabulous, insane, artsy, craftsy, annoying, bogus, brilliant and homebound. She’s proud of the fact that her server is not “prom on parade” but more “big top” and “circus”. Oh BrigADeepshit, I am gonna miss you so much. And our final course tonight is naturally a dessert brought to us by Brialien…

…and Hershey’s…

Brialien’s feeling like he rocked it, and I have to say I agree, that looks pretty damned awesome. And tasty. With a hefty dollop of Magic Shell on top of it. Happy Birthday to you, Brialien! I’m going to have another bowl of ice cream in your honor!

Back at the Salon, Cameltoe calls out ApRebel, Fatty-Ma, 80, and Garofalo as safe and tells them to GTFO. I can’t believe 80 is in the middle??!? That was total tampon hair if I’ve ever seen it! Oh well, let’s see what the judges think:

MattBian: the style was well-tied into the dish (Joel says it looks like a blow-fish, which makes Matt blush and get all squirmy and giggly) but The Ant is quick to point out how the fishtail braid came undone and was a mess because it “wasn’t tight enough” (which makes Matt blush and get all squirmy and giggly, too).

Yawn TrannyLips: He rapidly lists all the shit he did to make her head look like that in under 2 hours (plus, don’t forget, he gave her baaaaangs!) and The Ant loves the scallop barrel curls while Kim-Chee says the coloring is gorgeous! Tranny’s so excited he starts jumping up and down cuz he’s riding their praise-wave so hard. Settle down, girl, before you pop something.

Brialien: He says he was inspired the garnish of the cream (and MattBian’s still blushgiggling) and used chocolate-colored hairpieces instead of coloring the server’s real hair like that. Cameltoe says it looked yummy and made her really hungry. Kim-Chee says it’s “very hard to concieve cream on hair like that” (which means he doesn’t see any of the right kind of movies) but he pulled it off! Joel Grey says the interpretation was great and that it was technically perfect!…

…and best of all, nobody had to use the eye-wash!…

Ruh-roh. The guys all got praise, which means the girls all sucked…

Arz-Oh: She trots out her “spicy” word again, and The Ant asks all the other judges if they see the tuna dish in that hair anywhere. Anyone? Anyone? Crickets. Kim-Chee says her color-halo wasn’t done properly, the back of the girl’s color was way too dark and disconnected from the front. Arz-Oh starts trying to plead that she just did her best, but The Ant cuts her off saying the woman basically looks like “an old lady with an up-do.” and that there’s nothing great or creative or inspirational about it. TrannyLips is smirking. He best be careful, because if Arz-Oh catches that look on his face I suspect he might find some other part of his body getting all swollen and painful.

BrigADoomed: Kim-Chee says it just looks like “an interracial snowman” and The Ant calls her out for not using any of the model’s actual hair in the style, and he’s not happy with the fact that she pretty much just made a big artificial piece and clamped it to the girl’s head. She gets all shrill and defensive, yelling back that it’s “avant-garde” and you wouldn’t see it “pushing a shopping cart around a grocery store”. Joel Grey quietly shuts her down with this: “It’s really about style and taste that makes a great hairdresser…. and I think the taste level here is very low.”…

…I think someone’s tasting a little throw-up in the back of their mouth right now…

Amyrexia: She says how she wanted to pull all of the great colors in the burger into the hair in a classy way, but Joel’s not seeing the classy part. Kim-Chee tries for another of his little rehearsed spontaneous jibes saying it looks like she stapled baloney to the girl’s head and stuck her in a piranha tank because it looks absolutely shredded. Amy says she didn’t want to be literal and make an actual burger shape (like BrigADoo did) but the Ant says there wasn’t enough tie-in with the food, which was the challenge. Poor girl is only able to hold it together until they are dismissed and then she starts weeping. Awww, stop that! I’ve had two bowls of ice cream and now I’m likely to cry, too!

After deliberating, tonight’s winner is… not MattBian, but Yawn TrannyLips! Ahhh, so blonde Nomi Malone loses this round, and brunette Cristal Connors is victorious! Now he gets his own bus-stop ad! And here’s tonight’s fascinating viewer poll…

…3. Rexorexia…

Out of the Loozah’s Bunch, Amyrexia gets sent back to safety first, which leaves us BrigADeerintheheadlights and Arz-Oh… and it’s Arz-Oh leaving…

…too bad we’re not voting based on personal styling…

Ah, we barely knew ye, Miss Arz-Oh… mostly because you barely had any screen time what with BrigADrain hogging it all. With that, she says byesies and leaves. Before they let the rest of the stylestants go, Cameltoe has one last thing to say to them (and this is apparently her closing catchphrase): “Hair ees eemportant!”…

…unlike diction and pronunciation apparently…

And there we are. What did you think of this episode? Did you think that once again the ShortCut Challenge was far more interesting than the Elimination Challenge? I wonder when they’re going to stop getting it backwards. Did you feel like Arz-Oh’s was the worst, or was there someone else (whose name also happens to begin with A) that might have sucked harder? Will MattBian and Yawn TrannyLips be bumping uglies before the season is over? Thanks again for your patience and your commentary, and we’ll see you all right back here in another few days with a new episode!

love, J-Mo