Shear Genius: Booray for Bollywood!

Hello again friends! You know, every time I go to my local salon these days I always ask the stylist whose chair I land in if they watch reality TV, and in particular if they are fans of Shear Genius. If they clutch their chest, gasp and start in on how fucked up last night’s challenge was, they are likely to find that they’ve made a brand new bestie (not to mention a really great tip) and I will probably not pay any attention to how they cut my hair until I get home and realize that I am sporting an asymmetrical lesbian-bob. On the other hand, if they look at me quizzically and say “Shear what?” then they are likely to find themselves suddenly holding their stylist’s cape again and watching their empty chair spinning lazily as evidence of my hasty departure. I cannot abide a stylist who has no pop-cultural literacy and cannot dish trash TV with me while they cut my hair. And believe me, this show is trash TV, because it takes a special kind of casting to find a dirty scuzzbag who admits to cheating on his wife in front of everyone…

…just like it takes a special kind of stupid to bring Tabatha Coffey to momentary speechlessness…

Yes, in tonight’s episode we have a real treat in the form of a Guest Judge who isn’t boring like a literal blowjob (or an open handjob)… the ever fabulous and wonderful Tabatha is in the house to take some ass and kick names and generally look like the Lesbian Avenger Of Deathâ„¢ wherever she goes. This season’s crop of dumbass diddlyfucks are no match for her as you will soon see after the jump…The 8 remaining stylestants enter the SG Nexxus Salon today to find it has been transformed into the Shear Hay Fever Sneezepit…

…she may not be able to pronounce it properly in English, but that face is clearly saying “I have hidden all the antihistamines.”…

I love her dress, too. Are those Motel 6 curtains? Is there a civil war going on that we don’t know about? Anyhow, Cameltoe greets the stylestants and comments about how good it smells in there right now. Everybody murmurs agreement, except the people standing next to 80. She goes on to tell MattBian that as the “wiener” of last week’s challenge, his “Fellatio In The Underbrush” styling is now on the Allure Lite-Brite Of Notorietyâ„¢ and he should be really ecstatic about that…

…so what’s with him making the GrinchSmile?…

Issues, I guess. In any case, Cameltoe’s ready to move on to the ShortCut Challenge and this week’s guest judge, Harry Joss. Harry who? Once again, the stylestants are all going batshit over this guy, but the rest of us are all staring at our televisions like some random gay dude in a t-shirt and sport jacket just wandered in from the street…

…for all we know, maybe he did…

Thankfully we have BrigADirectory to tell us that Harry here has worked with that Gisele Bundtcake chick. I’m impressed. Not so much with Harry or Gisele, but with BrigADookie for being aware of something other than herself or roller skates or Simi Valley.

So the challenge is to incorporate flowers into a creative style, but in an abstract fashion so the flowers seem like hair. Then Hairy Puss opens his mouth to say something and 10,493 purses fall out. OMG, gay? Gay gay gay gay gay. This guy sounds so gay that each and every letter of every single word coming out of his mouth is drenched in rainbow glitter, is wearing assless chaps and is lip-synching Cher songs. The spittle spray alone is enough to mist every single flower in that salon for a year. Anyhow, Hairy sayths heth’s usthed flowerths many timesth in multhipleth shooths and the mothst importanth thhing he can thell thhem all isth to thhink sthmart becausths thhisth can go cheesthy verry quickly.

Speaking of cheesy, 80 clearly thinks this is a stupid challenge (like he does all the challenges, and by the way, why can’t they just award him the title of ‘Shear Genius’ now?) and snorts that the only time he’s ever even bought flowers is when he’s “cheated on the missus” and even then he didn’t bother to pick them out personally, he sent one of his many assistants out to do it for him. Um, a) how awesome for Missus 80 to be married to such a prince and b) whatever woman in the UK couldn’t keep her hands off of this guy needs to stop hanging out in hair salons and go visit the opthalmologist…

…irresistable bitch…

Let’s bring out the models, a bevy of brunettes today, since we had blondes a couple of weeks ago. As for the challenge, Cameltoe says they’ll be judged on cweativitee, eggzecution, tacknigull skilss and overaww styoww of the finish loog. This show is determined to rape and murder English every week. She also tells MattBian that he’s got first choice of model since he won last week, but I’m not really sure why this is supposed to be some great advantage since…

…we’re dealing with Identi-hairâ„¢…

The rest of the stylestants pick a random flower to get matched up with their model, and they’re off on their two hours of flower fantasies! ApRebel says she’s feeling confident cuz she’s so comfortable around flowers…

…as she hooks a green goblin…

…and she hopes for her work to be “an awakening” and “inspirational” and “colorful”. Gotcha! Now go wash your hands. As they begin, the stylestants are all picking out bundles of flowers, and Yawn TrannyLips is trying to impress his client by saying he’s going to choose some “snapdragons” (although he admits he’s not sure that’s what they really are because he’s “not that gay”… yeah, as if having “collagen-pumped lips on a man” isn’t living in the exact same zip code as “innate floral knowledge” in the Land Of Gaynessâ„¢). Even better is when his client corrects him that the flowers he’s chosen are not snapdragons, they’re irises. BWAHAHAHA, busted! He’s still mega-gay, though.

Meanwhile, BrigADaffydil is just brimming with wacky ideas for her client’s hair that involve extensions and cornrows and flowers and fringe and push-pins and rubber cement and grilled cheese sammiches and all I can see is this…

…glipulfuggedehebivixowarpizzuqajorgg…

…so basically, girlfriend is right on track. Also enjoying putting strange substances in his client’s hair is our dear Brialien, who is actually using acacia mud mask to gunk up his model’s locks. He says he’s doing an “East African” inspired style a la National Geographic. Hopefully his model gets to keep her top on, cuz that shit has always been the pre-teen’s porn. Also helpful in pulling off an “East African” look is the fact that his client is Hawaiian.

Hey, guess who’s having trouble already and rhymes with “Haiti”? Yah, poor 80 seems to be completely clueless when it comes to the coloring station. He’s confused because he can’t find the chart to go with all those bloody li’l tubes of crap and he wants to “warm up” his client’s “virgin” hair. I go all ewie inside whenever he calls anything virgin. Luckily, MattBian helpfully steps in to make a couple of quick-fix suggestions about using bleach and water to achieve what he wants. Is it wrong that I’m kinda hoping what Matt really did will result in major sabotage, thereby sending this fucknut home?…

…”Yes, a little sterno-gel and lighter fluid will warm her hair up very quickly.”…

Cuz for realsies? Check what this asshole says next: “I’ve had the luxury of charging four-five hundred pounds for a haircut where I have an assistant hold my hair-dryer, I have an assistant hold my clips and my combs and whatever I need… and now I’m in a position where I’ve gotta start going back eight years now, and thinking ‘Right, how do you remove warmth? How do you do a beautiful toner?’… It’s ridiculous!”…

…much like paying this guy more than half a G to touch you…

Dude. Fuck. You. I’m so fucking over this buttwad and his big braggarty brand of bullshit. Garofalo interviews that 80 is a “really good hairdresser” but he’s afraid to look back and revisit the more basic skills he had when he was earlier on in his career. I’m dubious that he’s ever had those skills based on what we’ve seen so far, but I don’t know, I could be wrong, and frequently am.

Not this time, though, because when Hairy Puss comes by to find out what 80′s actually doing, he gets a lot of the words “sexy” and “sophisticated” and “sensooal” thrown at him while 80 plays with his client’s hair. Hairy does not look entirely confident or convinced…

…or like he really has any Y-chromosomes…

After listening to 80′s grandiose description Hairy says something back to him, but all I’m hearing is frying bacon. With one hour left Hairy’s telling the entire room (like a rotating sprinkler) to “Imprethss me! Thsome ofth you are, thsome ofth you aren’th!” The editors immediately cut to Amyrexia and Yawn TrannyLips. LOL, editors.

Someone who actually seemed to be doing well here was Brialien, Hairy really seemed intrigued by his whole using-reddish-mud-mask-in-the-hair thing, and he’s wrapped a couple of giant leaves around the back of his client’s head so she looks like some kind of Grecian urn, only sexier and without all the crushed-out cigarette butts. Brialien himself says he’s hoping that BrigADaft doesn’t finish, because he feels she’s his strongest competition in this challenge…

…cuz this bitch does a mean Eddie Munstercut…

…and with time running out there are still no flowers in her client’s hair. Mostly because she really is doing cornrows and braids up the ying-yang, and that shit is time-consuming.

Back over at Mr. £500-Haircuts-But-Can’t-Hold-His-Own-Scissors’ station, Hairy is questioning 80′s use of brilliant red and yellow flowers together, wondering if it’s making a rather McNuggety Dollar Menu kind of statement. She looks like she’s attending a funeral for a clown. 80′s response: “Rather than pull it all down and start all over again, I just thought ‘Pfffft, fuck it.’, I’ll do what I’ll do.” Ah, ok, I see he’s going back to the old standby plan, which is to SUCK and NOT CARE. At least he’s consistent…

…as well as none-too-gentle, apparently…

Seriously, his client’s face was a study in pain, so he was either pulling her hair really hard or he cut one. I’m voting for a combo, myself…

…former client of 80′s…

One minute left! BrigADoyouhaveawatch realizes she has spent almost two full hours doing nothing but braiding and is frantically stabbing flower stems into her client’s ponytail braid as if there’s almost any hope. She wishes that she had an extra 15 minutes. I wish she hadn’t tried to make her client into Bo Derek. This. Is. Going. To. Be. De. Lish. Us.

Let’s start off tonight with MattBian’s client…

…who is busy doing a mediocre Esther Williams impression…

Does that not look like one of those awful rubber bathing caps from the 60′s? Only not as sexy and more exploded? Hairy spits that he likes the fact that MattBian ripped off the edges of the petals around her face so it made a clean design, but he went way too far with it and used too many in that vivid color…

…and now everyone wants to go to the mall and have an Orange Julius…

Oddly, MattBian says Hairy’s opinion that he used the wrong kind of flower is “totally valid”. WTF? Doesn’t he know he’s supposed to blame the client, or the lighting, or the economy, or Janet Jackson’s Superbowl Breastâ„¢? Jeez.

Let’s float on with Brialien’s girl…

…Princess Emerald Forest…

Hairy likes the color and thinks the use of the mud mask was “geeeniussthththlblllffllpt” because no other product would have given the hair the same texture of dried dogturds. Let’s look at it from the back…

…yup, that’s a great lettuce-wrap…

BrigADirtylook isn’t looking so impressed by Brialien’s work, but I think she’s just mad that she didn’t think to put something claylike in her client’s hair after she wedged that kitchen sink into it. Oh well, time to check out our little BoogerMiner, ApRebel and her client…

…I dub thee WeedHeadâ„¢…

She says the second she saw her little wood nymph’s eye-color she immediately matched it with her flowers, which Hairy just loveths. He calls it “avant-garde work” and compliments her on balancing the texture of the hair with the flowers she used, which I can totally see because both are a mess. ApRebel is just loving all this spitty praise…

…”I can’t believe I got away with it!”…

Someone that isn’t loving it is MattBian, who’s all bitter and bitchy and upset that he didn’t continue his winning streak. He says ApRebel’s style “was like a Muppet… weird… it looked like it took her 5 minutes to do… and I just… I hhhated it!”…

…Men On Hair…

Oh wah, he’s just pissed that her five-minute-fug was better than his two-hour variety. Besides, they’ll all feel better after they get a gander at Amyrexia’s concoction…

…like a tornado touching down…

Honestly, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry for drugged-up Anne Hathaway here. She has actual sticks coming out of her head. Hairy says he liked where she was going with the fuzzy texture, but there isn’t enough of it, it should have been strewn everywhere…

…like her thought process…

…but he does like the sticky-uppy flower because it reminds him of a Philip Treacy hat, which is kinda apropos, I guess.

Next up is Yawn TrannyLips…

…Purple Pain…

TrannyLips says he went through a lot of ideas and wound up just kinda doing the purple bangs and giving it “an Asian feel”. Our dear Hairy Puss thinks that color hurt him because it’s hard to make vivid purple look expensive and chic, as opposed to looking trashy and goth and costumey…

…naturally, Yawn takes this constructive criticism to heart with his usual grace and professionalism…

I suspect he’s really pissed off about the fact that he stained up his hands with that Jesus-Juicy color for nothing.

Here comes Garofalo’s client…

…the Bride Of FrankenBooberry…

On the plus side, Hairy says it was nice to see the “little bursthtsth” of color here and there, but on the downside when she turns sideways it could easily be a drag wig…

…like maybe from Sunset Boulevard?…

Dear Hairy Puss: Please do not ever make that Gloria Swanson face again, it makes you look like an undateable cling-o-rama, and it makes every penis in your vicinity want to crawl back inside it’s owner’s body. Love, J-Mo

…ApRebel looks inexplicably jealous…

They really should start up some circus music on the soundtrack, because here’s 80′s “work”…

…I’m lovin’ it…

80′s totally overacting, saying he’s kicking himself because he either plays it “too mad” or “too safe” and starts ripping apart his own styling by saying he picked bad flowers and I was beginning to think he was becoming self-aware, but then I realized he’s just saying this stuff that so Hairy Puss will stop him and tell him it wasn’t so awful.

Well, it half works, Hairy does stop him from beating himself up too badly, but goes on to say that the styling still pretty much sucks and those screaming yellow and red flowers look cheap and tawdry.

80 responds by being really overanimated and insisting that he’s an awesome hairdresser and that he’s won all these awards for his amazing work on tons of celebrities, but he just keeps making the wrong decisions, and waaaaah…

…Masterpiss Theatre…

When you have people who can’t stand each other rolling their eyes in unison over your silly histrionics, then it’s an epic fail. I guess he’s hoping for Hairy to stop him once again from being so hard on himself. Crickets.

Well, I’ve had enough of 80 for life now. Besides, we have to see how BrigADiculous did…

…wow, she reimagined Karen Carpenter as a hippie Romulan…

The first thing Hairy Puss wants to know is if she ran out of time. Duh. At least she admits it this time. Then Hairy goes on to say that when she first started out on the challenge, hers was the most exciting idea he had seen, but she hit the stopwall somewhere in between…

…luckily she had time to turn the ponytail into a rope ladder…

He thinks she forgot that it was supposed to be a floral piece and that it looked a little too much like Rick-James-meets-or-fucks-a-cocker-spaniel. Kind of. I’m unclear as to where Hairy’s getting Rick James from, because he never wore a Jheri-hawk, did he? Nobody mentioned the Vulcan bangs, or the frizzpoof at the end of the ponytail, or the horrible cornrows, but perhaps there wasn’t time with this only being an hour-long show.

This is gonna be a close race for the Bottom Two today, but edging everyone else out is 80 (natch!) and… TrannyLips??!? What in the blue fuck? There’s no way that purple shit was worse than BrigADune and her Vulcan puppygirl! If you look on Bravo’s website, TrannyLips’ style has an average 3 star rating from the viewers, while BrigADookie’s has only 1½ stars.

So who wound up on top today? Well that would be ApRebel and Brialien… and our curly little E.T. Brialien wins! His prize is that he gets to pair the other stylestants with their models in the following day’s Elimination Challenge…

…I’m guessing he’s in for an evening of blowjobs…

Well, good for him, I’m kinda tickled that for once his wacky shit paid off. I will never look at acacia mud mask without giggling hysterically again.

Back at the HateLoft, the kids are lounging around, trying to figure out what the hell is going on with TrannyLips’ nose-thingy when there’s a knock on the door. It’s CameltoeMailâ„¢ in the form of an invitation! MattBian reads: “You’ve been cordially invited to attend a very special event. Attire is formal. Attendance is mandatory.” Amyrexia ruefully comments “‘Attendance is mandatory’ but they’re gonna kick one of us out at the end of the event!” Hate to break it to you, girl, but that’s kinda how the show works.

Well, since we now have a formal occasion this would be a good time to tone down the wacky costumes, right? Not so, say BrigADonatella’s Inner Voices! She’s got her a brand new blue Cinderella dress made of satin and mosquito-netting from the thrift store, and the fact that it’s floor-length just isn’t sitting right with her, so she’s going to make it shorter by hacking out a new and shorter hemline with her scissors. Amyrexia’s watching her and nervously jokes “Don’t cut my dress!” and without missing a scissor-slash BrigADamage replies “Stay outta my way, then.”…

…10 minutes and three Band-Aids later, Brig wins Project Runway…

What? She totally could! Let’s head to commercial…

…Plan A: Learn How Rubbers Work…

We’re back, it’s the next day and the stylestants have converged on a park somewhere. I was curious how BrigADrastic’s creation was going to turn out…

…like a big cupcake made of self-hatred topped with neediness icing…

She’s not the only offender here, because I notice that Yawn TrannyLips is shaming all of Gaydom by wearing black bermuda shorts to what appears to be a ritzy Indian wedding…

…and it’s not nice to taunt the bride and groom by wearing far more comfortable clothing than they can…

Cameltoe says this wedding has been going on for a week, now. OMG, I need to get invited to one of these, I am awesome at receptions especially, and I know the Chicken Dance, the Hokey-Pokey, the Electric Slide, the Macarena, and the Soulja Boy. Oh dammit, I guess all that wouldn’t be so appropriate since Cameltoe says this entire week has been full of traditional Indian wedding vows and ceremonies. Still, there’s gotta be a big dance number in here somewhere, right?

Well, sorta, because the Elimination Challenge involves taking all 8 bridesmaids and transforming their traditional wedding hairstyles into something completely different for the reception. AND as if everybody wasn’t peeing down their own leg fast enough, then Cameltoe springs their guest judge on them…

…she’s tough, she’s talented, and she’s wearing THIGH-HIGHS…

Yes, dear God, those trickles have turned into full-on pantsdrenching streams as Tabatha Coffey is here to make them all that much more nervous. Yawn TrannyLips is now wishing he had worn full-length pants. Lady T reminds them that she got eliminated on Season One of Shear Genius because of a wedding challenge “And it wasn’t a real wedding, it was just a rehearsal for the bride’s hair. This… is real!” Great, now I think I smell poo, too.

They only get 90 minutes to do this magical restyling before the bridesmaids will make a grand re-entrance into the ballroom packed with hundreds of people, and the biggest factor they’ll be judged on today is the dreaded “client satisfaction”. Tabby and Cameltoe bid them goodbye and the stylestants slink off to meet their bridesmaids and BoreLando Pita.

Once they arrive at the conference room where they’ll be working, Lady T has magically beaten them there and says that because this is a real life wedding, they need to make sure their clients are happy with how their hair comes out…

…guess who’s bitter about not being the bride?…

SO, since Brialien won the Shortcut, he now gets to pair everybody up (after he picks his own bridesmaid, natch!) and right away he fucks Amyrexia by pairing her up with Bitter Bridemaid. Nice move, Bri, what did poor, sweet, sticklike Amy ever do to you?!?!

As if that wasn’t enough of a dick move, he then makes it clear that 80 is his bestie in the house by letting him know that he’s picking for him next, and then Brialien just walks down the line of bridesmaids until he gets the signal from 80 to stop…

…something subtle like this…

Funny thing is, when he picks the bridesmaid that 80 wants, she acts like she can smell him from where she’s standing. Perceptive woman. Everyone else gets paired up (ApRebel gets the dregs) and Borelando gets their 90 minutes ticking, and right away things completely fall apart for 80, because he has landed the Indian version of Meg Ryan…

…When 80 Met Salima…

This girl is awesome. 80 is looking to really break out and express himself through her hairstyle, and she doesn’t want him to do anything to it at all! Excuse me, but BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. That’s what you get for being a douche, it’s a little thing called Karma. Or in this case, Salima.

Brialien, meanwhile, is going to pull out a Kim Kardashian flip for his bridesmaid, which is cool because Armenians and Indians are friendly with each other, but I don’t think they’re going to trade sex-tapes anytime soon. Luckily, he’s able to convince her to let him do some finger waves and add a few other bells and whistles. Thankfully he’s not adding actual bells or whistles, but I wouldn’t put it past him.

Poor BrigADamned, she’s pretty much completely caved to what her bridesmaid wants, which is more goddamned braiding and some other vague things (kind of a weird half-and-half up-down style) and BoreLando tries to remind her that this is supposed to be a competition, so she needs to at least try to make it look spectaular…

…I’d be so frightened to have the Angel of Futility standing so close behind me with scissors in her hand…

It doesn’t help that this girl has somehow seen Jersey Shore and wants a Snooki-bump…

…someone get her a pickle to suck on!…

Plus, she’s totally rubbing BrigADominatrix the wrong way when she starts asking (what Brig calls) fussy questions about exactly when her frizzy bangs are going to get smoothed out and whether or not it’s going to look good. Well, it’s a fair question, perhaps the girl is clairvoyant and has seen BrigALoser’s other work. Or she’s gotten a good look at that shredded thrift-store dress. Or the PissWig. Isn’t it weird how things like looking tore up from the floor up can erode a client’s confidence in their stylestants’ skills?

Amyrexia is having similar problems as 80 with her Bitter Bridesmaid, the girl barely speaks two words in a row, and apparently Amy’s not well versed in the language of Passive-Aggressivese, so she’s struggling to figure out what to do to this girl’s hair. Hey, how about blame her and complain to BoreLando about how “specific” she’s being, like 80 is doing right now! BoreLando ain’t buying it, either, because he’s insisting that 80 should be suggesting things that Little Miss Salima Specific hasn’t thought of before. 80 spits back that he’s already gone through “4 or 5 different concepts already”…

…before settling on the one known as “Chola Bangs”…

That’s going to be lovely. This girl better learn how to flash gang signs and wear dark lipstick when she leaves that ballroom tonight. Also still failing miserably is BrigALoser, whose bridesmaid has thoroughly beaten her into submission, and now all the girl has is three cornrows and the rest of her hair is completely straight (but still frizzing out). Well, one thing you can say about a style like that is zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Brig herself says the girl was a non-negotiator and that “Today I met my match!”…

…and smooshed her own boobs into unrecognizable shapes…

80 tried to soften up the harshness of Salima’s chola bangs…

…by making her look as if she’s just turned a few cigarette-money tricks in the alley by the dumpster behind the 7-11…

OMG she is a total messed up frizzball, and 80′s already trying to guilt her for not letting him “work his magic” more on her, saying that he’s prolly going home because of her. She just laughs because clearly she doesn’t give a fuck. LOL, Salima! You can have your dressing on the side with me anytime!

Once time is called and the bridesmaids all leave to prepare for their reception entrance, 80 makes a beeline for Brialien to complain about how much his girl sucked for not wanting to let him put hairspray or pins or curls in her hair. BrigADowner pipes up to say that she had to deal with the same damn thing, and 80 snidely tells us that he thinks her bridesmaid might have looked worse than his, so that might save him in the competition. I think we have our Bottom Two right here.

Over in the ballroom, the Judges have gathered…

…and Tabatha looks pissed off that she’s been stuck next to Cameltoe and her shitty English…

The first bridesmaid to enter is Yawn TrannyLips’…

…and yay for her 80′s side-ponytail…

He thinks it looks perfect and that you can’t tell that there’s a head full of extensions in there. I’m sure the people who saw her with her short hair at the wedding this morning can, but when it comes to you or I, technically he’s right. She tells the judges that she’s very happy with the end result. Yawn is busy flipping everybody off behind his napkin over at the stylestants table.

Next in line is MattBian’s client, and it looks like he also did a suspiciously similar swept-to-the-side theme…

…TrannyLips is going to ride him extra hard tonight for being a total copyfag…

MattBian also copies Tranny’s opinion about his own work, calling it perfect and saying he executed it perfectly. The Ant asks her if she got what she wanted and I find that’s always a dangerous thing to ask of any bridesmaid on the wedding day, but she simply smiles and says yes. MattBian can’t hear any of this, but he sees her smiling and so he is pleased.

Oh look, the room just gasped in horror! I wonder whose bridesmaid just walked in?…

…I guess for £500+ you can’t ask for more than this…

TrannyLips tries to pacify him by telling him it looks pretty…

…and he is totally lying through his giant bloated mouthlabia…

80′s telling us that he wishes he could have made the bridesmaid plead for the judges to show him some “humanity”. I think she would have settled for him shaving that crusty mug of his. Kim Chee is asking her if 80 listened to everything she wanted him to do, and she says he did, so I guess he’s got the client satisfaction part down.

Moving on to Amyrexia and Bitter Bridesmaid…

…well, she’s ready for the Spring Prom… but no one’s gonna ask her…

Over at the table Amyrexia’s telling the other stylestants how amazingly sweet her bridesmaid was. Meanwhile, when Tabatha asks her if this up-do is what she asked for, Bittergirl whines “No, but… I wanted to have it down… but…. I like it, it’s pretty…” and she’s clearly sounding like she feels anything but happy with it…

…and welcome to being single forever…

Poor Amyrexia, she just got fucked. Oh well, too late now, because Garofalo’s bridesmaid is striding through the doors…

…and she ain’t no Jai Ho!…

ApRebel leans over at the table to tell Garofalo “Janine, that’s beautiful!” Weirdly enough, it really kinda is, she’s added a ton of volume to the ponytail and it actually looks elegant. The bridesmaid tells Cameltoe that she asked for long beautiful and simple, and Garofalo totally delivered on that.

Ooooh, here comes the UnStylings of BrigADidn’tdomuchatall…

…she could have done more intricate work with a Topsy Tailâ„¢ and some EZ Combsâ„¢…

She’s wishing for a power failure because she knows that the styling is for shit. The Ant asks to see those three cornrows on the side of the bridesmaid’s head, and after she shows them to him they start marking their scores…

…probably like this…

Ugh, I’m tired of fug, let’s look at someone like Brialien’s bridesmaid, who actually looks pretty…

…yup, just like Kim Kardashian, only fully-clothed and not famewhoring…

Plus, I’m betting her dad doesn’t look all melted. Kim-Chee wants to know if this is what she wanted, and she says Brialien gave her all that and more. Kimmy wants to know what was the “more” part, and she mentions how she was just going to leave it down and he made a suggestion about pinning it and allowing it to have the illusion of being down while keeping it cleaner and tighter than if it was just loose. Kim is impressed.

Last in line tonight is ApRebel’s bridesmaid…

…who she managed to make about two inches shorter?…

Why does she look so much happier in the before picture? Probably because she didn’t know she had that muffin-top going on. I bet Bitter Bridesmaid’s the one who clued her in on it, too… that bitch just can’t let anybody be happy. Still, the girl tells Lady T that she’s very happy with it and feels beautiful, and now if they’ll excuse her, she’s going to go hit the buffet until she passes out.

Now that they’re finished, the stylestants have some time to enjoy the reception and look at old pictures of the bride and groom…

…ahh, those wacky 90′s!…

Back at the SG Judging Chamberâ„¢, Cameltoe compliments the stylestants on how nice they all look…

…with two glaring exceptions…

So smack in the middle this week and safe as houses are MattBian and ApRebel. They are free to go get drunk in the Salon. Or, at least, that’s what I’d be doing. I would probably also be hiding 80′s scissors in case this Elimination round goes badly for him.

The rest of them get to explain their work, which means that TrannyLips is going to exaggerate and make it sound like he performed brain surgery on his bridesmaid instead of just having added some extensions and a bejeweled hair-clip to her. The Ant, however, thinks he’s seen better work from him and wants to know if Tranny’s excited about it. He admits that he ain’t but that he did what the girl wanted him to do, so whatevs.

Next up is 80, who immediately starts badmouthing Little Miss Salima Specific because she wouldn’t let him backtease all of her hair into a rat’s nest while he stared at her tits for two hours. Lady Tabatha’s not hearing that, saying that she understands how challenging the girl was, but that in the end convincing her was 80′s job as a (supposed) professional, “And this…*gestures to picture of crap hairstyle*… doesn’t make you look good. This makes you look like an amateur!”…

…”…along with your neck-tats, and your stubble, and your crap attitude.”…

This is where The Ant says he’s “borderline pissed off about that hair”, which, okay, I would have been hard pressed not to giggle in his face when he laid that line on me. Heaven forbid that Jonathan Antin come across hair that pisses him off! He might unleash another set of PoosyCat Dolls on the world! In any case, he says 80 should have tried some things on the girl and told her if she didn’t like them he could take them down. 80 claims he panicked, but that’s bullshit, he just didn’t take the challenge seriously, thinking that if he did whatever she wanted he’d come out all right under the “client satisfaction” part of things. FAIL.

As for Amyrexia, Kim-Chee says that someone with a “round face” like that (a.k.a. “fat”) should never have their hair put up all the way, and says with the tentacles coming down around her head she looks like a jellyfish. A fat, sad, passive-aggressive jellyfish. Tabatha’s slightly more helpful in her critique, pointing out that if Amy had left more hair down from the jaw to the clavicle it would help give Tubbychick the illusion of a longer face. She’d still be a fat, sad, passive-aggressive bitch, but now people would think she had a horse-jaw…

…instant improvement!…

Garofalo gets praised for making suggestions that the bridesmaid actually took and allowed her to do. The judges don’t know that Garofalo threatened her girl with stabbing if she didn’t let her do what she wanted, but she got results so she’s awesome. The same is said for Brialien, and OK, I’ll admit for realsies, they got lucky they didn’t have fat pissy whinebags to work on, but I suspect they might have still done all right even if they’d landed the clients that dug in their heels with the others. I also suspect that 80′s and BrigADaunting’s abrasive personalities had a big hand in the outcome.

Now comes the good part, with BrigADunDunDunnnnnn. Cameltoe asks how she arrived at her *snort* style. Brig claims the client flat-out said she wanted long hair only or she “wouldn’t be happy”, she just wanted it straight and flat. Kim-Chee asks if the style really looks like it took a lot of time to achieve, cuz all he sees is 3 braids and a flat-ironing. The Ant is maaaad, he says she had plenty of time to suggest and try some things that she could have offered to take down if the bitch didn’t like them.

Then Lady T observes, “You just gave up.” and BrigADeathwish shouts/lies back “Tabatha, I never gave up! I never gave up!”….

…Oooooh, no she did NOT talk back to TabbyKat!…

Tabatha’s not playing either, because she spits right back, “You totally gave up! Look at her hair! it looks like crap!” LOL Tabatha. BrigAlligerent seems to think that if she just keeps shouting over her that she never gave up that it will somehow become the truth, but Lady T’s just not backing down, saying she had to have given up “because, I’m sorry, if you had’ve flat-ironed it properly, and you had’ve smoothed it down and used the right product, her hair would’ve looked absolutely gorgeously perfectly straight, and it may have actually looked better and saved you!”…

…LOVE. THIS. FACE. …

Of course, BrigADunnowhentoquit can’t just say “You’re right.”, but instead she makes some kind of stupid flip comment about how she should have just pulled out the extensions and called it a day and sat there eating a hot dog for the last 30 minutes of the challenge. Tabatha replies in a deadly tone, “Well, then that’s what you should have done.” Aaaaaand with that they’re done and dismissed to go join MattBian and ApRebel in the salon.

After rehashing all the beauty and suck, everyone’s called back where they find out tonight’s Top Three are TrannyLips, Garofalo and Brialien… and Brialien wins! And you know I just noticed something…

…is it just me, or does he remind any of you of Brian Austin Green (David Silver from 90210) with long curly hair?…

So Brialien gets immunity next week and can’t be eliminated. Yay, that means he can put all kinds of gook in his next client’s hair, and he can’t get sent home! But someone who can get sent home this week is going to be either 80, Amyrexia or BrigADorkess, because they are the Bottomsies…

…3. 8% of the people who answer Bravo’s Viewer Polls are idiots…

After the Rehash Of Why You Three Suck So Muchâ„¢, it appears that Amyrexia skreeecks by again and returns to safety, leaving us with 80 and BrigADialAPrayer… which must have worked for her, because getting 86′ed tonight is 80! Pardon me while I do the Happy-Chicken-Hokey-Electric-Maca-Soulja-Dance!

Not everyone is as happy as I am that BrigADogged is still in the running…

…I guess she prefers the smelly, scruffy type to wacky and quirky nerdgyrlz…

As for 80, he’s claiming it just never “came together” for him here, that he didn’t have enough passion for the competition (wow, more self-awareness!) and that he wishes he was like he is in England, which is “ten times more aggressive”. I guess we all just got lucky to see him only be a tenth of the aggressive asshole he could have been. Bye 80, see you at the reunion if there is one.

So,what did you think of this episode? Did they make the right decision in sending 80 home, or did BrigADildette do a far worse job? Are MattBian and Garofalo playing the Mean Girls starting to make them unlikeable? Do you wish Tabatha was a judge on here every week like I do? And speaking of the losers winning bigger than the winners, do any of you even remember the names of the actual Shear Genius titleholders from the last two seasons?

Once again, thank you for reading and all your comments, next week’s episode is going to be a slight bit later than normal because I will be in L.A. visiting friends and trying to get Flipit to come out to another drag show with me. In the meantime, please share your thoughts…

love, J-Mo