Shear Genius: Double, Double, Toils And Troubles!

Have you ever been sitting there in your cubicle, staring at an Excel spreadsheet for six hours straight and typing in scads of teeny-tiny figures while the ass-kissing twats in your office yuk it up in the high-walled cube next to yours that contains your boss, skating their way out of doing any real work and pretending to ooh and aah over the 8 skillion pictures of her yappy little Bichon Frise (whom you have ever-increasingly frequent fantasies of dubbing “Precious” and throwing down a well with a dirty chubby girl trapped in some sociopath’s basement) and the queerest sense of déjà vu washes over you, making you feel like you’ve already lived this day before, pretty much every day, for the last 17 years or so, to the point where you consider setting the communal coffee machine on fire, because at least then it would be something different??!?

…eh, me neither, I was just asking…

However, on tonight’s episode of Shear Genius we are handed a hefty hunk of déjà vu, because this is the photo-shoot challenge that unravelled the wrapped-none-too-tight-to-begin-with Dr. Boogie last season…

…nope, still not gay, girlfriend!…

*sigh* I kinda miss the good Doctor and all of his Whitney-esque finger-wagging. I wonder if Vivica Fox ever found him and beat the shit out of him for having claimed to have done red-carpet hair for her just before he boned it on this challenge last season? Hmmmm. Anyways, there are a few surprises, and both a happy and a sad ending to tonight’s episode… come join me as we glide through the torrents of mist after the jump…Tonight we get to start by seeing Bitchy Charlie win his third elimination challenge, and poor Ãœber-Gay Paulo going home… A lot of people are gonna miss you, ya big lovable spike-haired gothic ‘mo, but I, for one, am tired of having to hit Alt-154 every time I want to type your damn nickname (gee, maybe I should pick nicknames that don’t utilize umlauts next time, huh? *gay eye-roll*) so my carpal-tunnelly hands are kinda glad to see you go…

…ooh, and speaking of still not gay (and someone I was glad to see go)…

…still not missing you, either, ManlyMattMan…

…but poor teeny-tiny Emo Gail, your nickname was so easy to type, I do kinda miss you even though you barely ever said anything and kinda cried a lot and no one wanted to impersonate you last week… *sigh*

As the Fierce Final Four strut their way into the Shear Genius Nexxus Salon, Dallas Daniel enthuses about how amazing it is to be one of those four, and I see he’s wearing neon snot-green glasses today…

…meet the talented Dr. Booger…

The ever-lovely Jaclyn Smith greets our ever-shrinking group of stylestants and heaps even more praise on Bitchy Charlie’s head as his hairstyling on Dallas Daniel’s mother Sandra made it to the Badly-Lit Allure Thingy Of El Cheapoville…

…Big Momma (and her misshapen ears) Are Watching You…

Jaclyn asks Dallas Daniel how he feels seeing his mother so poorly lit featured on the Wall O’ Fluorescents, and he sweetly says that he is thrilled even if though it meant Bitchy Charlie won… awww, Daniel, you are such a doll, I wuv you! *huggles*

And it’s time for today’s guest judge, who is making a repeat appearance on this show, and who is Jaclyn Smith’s personal stylist (and dear friend), José Eber! For the longest time I wondered why people pronounced his name with a hard “J” instead of the more latin-ey “hhhgkh”, because I thought he was latino, but it turns out he’s totally Frenchtastic, and his name really is pronounced “joe-ZAY ee-BEAR”. Weirdly enough I remember hearing about him as a kid and thinking that I wanted a name like that when I grew up (something like “jay-MOW ee-CLAIR”…. mmmmm, eclairs…)

…José is the O.G…. Original Genius…

Dallas Daniel looks like he’s about to erupt with love, and Bitchy Charlie is slack-jawed… while Lesbiana Dee just looks scrunchy-faced and cross-eyed (as usual). José says that he loves to give people great hairstyles that they love, and in order to do that he has to know as much as he can about them. It really isn’t as creepy as it sounds. Maybe because José has a cool Euro-accent so everything coming out of his mouth sounds exotic and foreign. Jaclyn chimes in that today’s Short Cut Challenge (called “Get Personal”) is going to require the stylestants to get to know the personality of their clients, and reflect that in the cut and style…

Underdog Nicole effervesces “I think that hair really reflects your personality… I’m short and I’m sassy, and it doesn’t get any better than that! *giggle*” That’s cute, except what does it say about bald people?

…shorter and sassier, maybe?…

Nikki-honey, I think your logic is a tad flawed. But whatevs, it’s time for the dreaded scissor-boxes (and still not one scissor-fight all season long, but I guess all the sociopaths have been cut already)…

…it’d be funny if the number meant how many inches of hair they could leave behind…

…cuz I’m sure these girls would trample each other to escape the salon…

Lesbiana Dee gets to go first… and she makes a lesbeeline right for the dark-haired beauty (who’s showing a little bit of midriff and just a taaaaad of muffin-top) which prompts a sarcastic “Shocker!” out of Dallas Daniel who says “Ah feeyil lahk Dee is a li’l bit single-mahnded when it comes tew the clah-int, she awlways chewses the young pretty latina-looking girrul!” Yeah, cuz Daniel doesn’t go right for a big blonde girrul every single time…

…Shocker!…

Bitchy Charlie picks the big-boobied blonde in the ill-fitting purpley blouse, and Underdog Nicole is stuck with a girl whom she says “had really long dark roots and white-blonde hair and had orange streaks in it and it was a mess!” I bet that girl is describing you as “short, white-blonde and bitchy” right about now, Nicole. Jaclyn gives them 90 minutes to complete the hairstyle and they’re movin’ and groovin’…

…and Bitchy Charlie’s client says that she does “business during the week and then on the weekends I’m very adventurous!” This means she is a trampy ho. Charlie should give her a bright copper-red mullet… you know, “business in the front, party in the back”? No? Charlie is going to give her sunny-blonde with white-blonde streaks, instead. This sounds a bit better than my white-trashy idea. This is why Charlie is a professional hairstylist and I’m a big fat hairy blogger.

Lesbiana Dee’s client “Jae” says that she works in “the motorcycle industry” and Dee gets an immediate nipple hard-on and gushes “Oh! So you’re a Harley chick? All right, right on!” Well, maybe she’s more like a “Vespa girl”, Dee, would that make a difference? No matter, because Dee says the girl likes “the 80′s rocker”. Isn’t it just amazing how every single person Dee gets in her chair winds up wanting an “edgy” “sexy” “rocker chick” look? I can’t know. Dee’s talking about doing a “peekaboo” color so it won’t be “so obnoxious”. *sigh* It’s too bad we couldn’t apply that to our dear Dee…

…”I’m getting tired of holding your Hershey bar for you, take a bite already!”…

Dallas Daniel is also treading familiar territory with his client as she claims to want to be an “entertainment reporter” when she grows up, so Daniel’s going to utilize the Dallas Hayir Techniqueâ„¢ of bleaching her even blonder to keep that “brahtness arayownd the fayce!” that he’s always blabbling about.

Moving on to Underdog Nicole, she’s trying to get to know her client…

…”I glare and make crazy-eyes at people, why do you ask?”…

And it turns out that she’s *gasp* a pop singer who idolizes Christina (we must assume Aguilera, since there can apparently be only one Christina in Miss Glarey CrazyEyes’ world) and Paris Hilton. UGH, two episodes in a row where someone admits to idolizing that rich bitchslut… I gave little Carol Ann a pass last week because, well, she’s only six, but dammit this woman is full-grown, she should really know better! She should idolize Britney and Madonna instead!

Eh, no matter, there are bigger and more snarled hairballs to contend with, because Jaclyn has strode (strided? stridden? stredaddled?) back into the Salon and calls for the all the stylestants’ attention… “It seems we have a little problem… all of you have been double-booked! Your next clients are waiting for you in the back room…”

…I just love Dallas Daniel’s array of crazy-faces…

…and with an “Ah’ll be raht bayack, darlin’!” he and Underdog Nicole and Bitchy Charlie make their way to the back room where they are confronted with…

…the evil twin sisters, Ella, Allura, Cosmopolitana and Gertie!…

A chorus of “OhmyGod!”s is heard and Lesbiana Dee finally comes running, and when she rounds the corner and sees the identical twin of her client Jae, she daintily tells us she almost pissed in her pants (again?… girl, talk to your doctor about Detrol LA or something!) She says in a rather uneven voice “Double trouble is what it was!” Mmmmm, I’m guessing her thought-bubble was more along the lines of ménage à trois…

Jaclyn confirms that they’ve all been booked with their client’s twins (and now the name of the Short Cut Challenge has changed to “Double Booked”?!?!?) and that they must give each twin their own distinct look that will fit their personalities… oh yeah, and the winner of the Short Cut Challenge gets an automatic place in the final! Two gay-inhales, a high-pitched gasp and a rumbly growl are heard (guess who did what) and it’s back to working feverishly for that coveted spot!

Poor Underdog Nicole has her work cut out for her, because her client’s twin is also a singer and also idolizes Christina Aguilera (so they’re basically both boring as hell) and in an attempt to take a risk she convinces Boring Blonde #2 to go chocolate brown. Nicole is understandably nervous about this as she says “The thing I fear most today about this challenge is pulling a Meredith and trying to turn a blonde a completely different color and it coming out all wrong!”

…I would say her fears are justified…

Lesbiana Dee seems to be having the same trouble with her set of sexy twins, they both love edgy, sexy, 80′s rocker-chick with peekaboo obnoxious coloring! What a coincidence! Dee decides to be tricky and smack it up, flip it, rub it down, oh noooooooooooo (she’s B.B.D. or Big Bad Dee all by herself). She says she’s going to flip the haircut for the other twin… We’ll see how this turns out…

Over in Dallas Hayir World, Daniel is completely ignoring his clients and yammering on and on about himself instead of it being the other way around. Poor listening skills, Danny! Of course, it doesn’t help that while his original client wants to be an “entertainment reporter”, the twin apparently wants to be a walking organ-donor… or at least that’s about all the face-time she got. There could be trouble in twin-town later on…

José Eber goes around and foofoos with all the stylestants, not really giving any critiques, he’s pretty much just giggling and joking with them (like when Bitchy Charlie says he’s giving his client a “beachy-blonde” and José says “Ohhh, like you, like you!” Ah ha ha, see Charlie doesn’t have any hair on his head, so how can he be a “beachy blonde”? Get it? Unless José meant “bitchy blonde” maybe? It’s so hard to tell with that Europea Accent of his…. eh, stick to the hairdressing, José). And time is up, it’s time to see who is gonna shotgun right into the finals!

…bitchy-bitchies behind the matchy-matchies…

First up is Bitchy Charlie’s Purpley Pair…

Twinella #1a (up top) is into weddings, sushi, long walks on the beach and men who aren’t afraid to cry, while Twinella #1b is more of a wilder daredevil badass who writes her own bluegrass songs and does nude macramé. Or something along those lines. I think Charlie rocked the color again, but I’m getting a little bit of déjà vu back to the Red Carpet challenge…

José asks the ladies if Bitchy Charlie “got zem” and zey say yes, he got zem, zey love zair “kick-oss” hair!

Moving down the line, José says “Joo DEE, right?” Or maybe he said “JuDY, right?” Damn Europeana accent! Anyhow, here’s her awesomely schizophrenic take on the Gruesome Twosome…

Heyyyy, they both have matching star tattooz on their shoulders! That’s pretty “rocker-chick” right? (I wouldn’t know because I’m scared of needles and “rocker-chicks”… even if they were fans of a poser tranny-tart band like Poison, they were just too hardcore for me). Anyhow, Dee gives lots and lots of explanations for what she did, but to me it looks like she pretty much just parted their hair on opposite sides of their heads and gave them two separate non-obnoxious color streaks (Twinella #2a’s big red streak sticks out like a neon sign that’s blinking “EASY RIDE!” on and off, while Twinella #2b’s purple streak is almost completely lost in her brunetteness… even José has a hard time finding it, and he’s right there in the studio with her). I’m thinking “miss”… when José asks the girls if they love what Dee did, they answer “Yes!” in perfect creepy unison.

And this brings us to Underdog Nicole’s Choco-Nilla Swirly Girls…

José asks Nicole why she went so dark with one of the sisters, and she makes up a plausible speech about them both being singers and needing to stand out from one another on stage, but then the real truth comes out when she also admits that Twinella #3b wasn’t about to change her blonde hair color (I think Twinella #3a is sweeter for helping Nicole take the chance, it could have gone all NightMeredith on them and she’d have had a platter of poo all over her head, but it actually looks quite nice). Of course, both Twinella 3′s are gooily loving their new looks… *sigh* come ON, people, where is the bitchy set of twins who have hated each other their whole lives and refuse to agree about sharing the same set of parents, much less an embryonic zygote!!!

It looks like Dallas Daniel may have gotten them…

Daniel added a lot of extra hayir pieces to Twinella #4b, who got the lighter blonde of the two, and Twinella #4a kinda got a darker, more fug shade that just looks dirty to me (but then perhaps fug is appropriate for Twinella #4a, because maybe she’s a dirty girl at heart, who knows?). Also, Daniel said these two were only 25 and my BullShitOMeter squawked loudly (ok, to be fair, I could be totally wrong, but do they really look 25 to you?)… Interestingly, José only asks Twinella #4b if she likes her hair…

…sorry Twinella #4a, no one cares if you like your fug or not…

Underdog Nicole thinks José really liked what Daniel did so she’s all worried, but to be honest, José seems like such a happy-go-lucky guy that he just loves hair, and being around hair, and hairstylists, and hair products and hair salons… or he’s heavily medicated. He says “Zat wuzza vayrey cloze call, a vayrey toff decizion, bot ze winner of zis Short Cot challenge too-daye…. eez Nee-cole!” Nicole promptly ruptures my eardrums with her shrill screams of triumph… I’m happy for her, though, she’s kinda had to put up with a lot of shit from the likes of Female Glenn and Dallas Daniel and Lesbiana Dee and Bitchy Charlie (and even Exotic-Yet-Sucky Nekisa) for being so “green” to the hair biz, and here she is going to the finals for sure! Nicole says she’s “freaking out” about 67 times in a row. I believe her. I’m off to go find some cotton balls in case she goes off again…

…Freaking out. Right now. Freaking. Now. Freak. Ow…

Ahhhhh, the harsh angles of Casa De Malo Pelo… as Bitchy Charlie goes running up the stairs yelling “You fucking bitch got immunity?!??!? Let’s throw Nicole off the balcony!” But he says it with love. Kinda. Dallas Daniel isn’t bothered by the fact that Nicole has a guaranteed spot in the final, he still insists that she is the weakest competitor… okay honey, but her brunette didn’t look fug, someone else with sputum-green glasses frames was not so lucky today. Nicole ganks Charlie’s line and says that because Charlie, Daniel and Dee are so competitive that it’s really going to be a beauty bloodbath at the next day’s challenge… oh Darling Nikki, don’t front, you know if you were one of them you’d be ready to cut a bitch up, too…

Smoggy daylight returns, and the stylestants are entering a real-live studio photo-shoot, where our favorite GayDane René Fris is waiting for them. “Ass you can seee, we haff tagen yoo awaiy from da salon todaiy and bawt yoo too a L.A. styudioo…” He goes on to introduce one of the most well-known celebrity and fashion photographers in the world who has photographed entertainers from “Loozy Loo” to “Steeve Maaaten” and has published a book called “Negged Embishun”! Wait a minute, Lucy Liu? Steve Martin? That’s the biggest and best they could do for this guy? Well, I guess maybe because Lucy was in the “Charlie’s Angels” remakes, but still, it’s soooo 2004… Anyhow, the super-high-end celebrity fashion photographer is Michael Grecco…. and it becomes immediately clear why he’s the photographer…

…severe schnozitis…

Plus, he is a beeeeeeeYOTCH! With a capital A for Asshat. And an extra dosage of Vitamin C for U kNow whaT…. the four lambs to the slaughter pick scissor boxes and we’re on our way into Photo-Shoot Hellâ„¢…

Today’s Elimination Challenge is called (for now, anyhow) “Avant-Garde Photo Shoot”, and each of the four have been given one of the four seasons that they have to create an avant-garde hairstyle for… and Bitchy Charlie says he is “officially in heaven” because he loooooves this kind of stuff (I’ve been to his website, he ain’t kidding)…

…Charlie in heaven…

Bitchy Charlie got Spring, Dallas Daniel drew Summer, Lesbiana Dee has Autumn and Underdog Nicole pulled Winter. Then four skeletons models come lurching walking out, and all the stylestants are happy because they look like matchsticks with hair very pretty. René gives them three full hours to complete the challenge, and each of them will have to meet with The FugMaster Michael so he can give them his impossible expectations before René tells them to GO SHA-… ah, I can’t even type it any more…

First up to meet with Michael Grackle is Dallas Daniel… he’s supposed to take the summer scene with a bicycle and some flowers and make it interesting and avant-garde…

…oh, and while you’re at it Daniel, could you solve global warming and that whole “cold-fusion” thing as well? Thanks!…

Michael also says they are probably going to “mist” the model so the hair will have to stand up to that, but still be beautiful. The only other place I can think of that “mists” models like that is 80′s porn (I used to think that Ron Jeremy was just working so hard that he was always sweating in copious Whitney-esque amounts until I realized one day that it was just some poor P.A.’s job to spritz him in the face and chest with water in an empty Febreeze bottle..)

Where was I? Oh, Dallas Daniel, who is setting himself up here as he admits he doesn’t typically do a lot of (air-quotes) avant-garde hair or photo shoots. Great, so you’ll be a complete bumbling monkeybutt in this challenge… I can’t wait!

Underdog Nicole is up next, and her set for Winter is even more boring….

…it’s basically a mattress with some cheap 45-thread-count Martha Stewart K-Mart sheets and a couple of twigs from Pier One…

MichaelMug is luckily pointing out using his piece of paper which way the model is going to lay… hmmm, if she’s laying down and they’re going to be taking the picture over her, why did they need the dead tree twigs in the background? A mystery…

Lesbiana Dee’s Autumn Backdrop looks cheaper than the pull-down kind you get at Sears photo studios… but ol’ Shotgun Nostrils sure makes Dee’s day when he says that her model is going to be jumping on a trampoline! I’m sure the dew point in someone’s boxer briefs just jumped several notches… the model is going to be wearing flowy clothes, so Michael wants the hair to flow, too. Curiously, Dee asks him if she can go jump on the trampoline… why, I have no clue…

…yes, Dee, it is a strange device with it’s gravity-defying powers…

Michael looks nonplussed at this weird request, but Dee insists she’s “gotta get the feel of it!”

…Ooooooooo-kay…

Last up is Bitchy Charlie and his set for Spring is actually a tad more elaborate than most as he has a couple of cherry blossom trees, some astro-turf and a swing where his model will be in motion… UggoMike in the middle of all that softness is rather jarring and avant-garde all on it’s own…

…Spring fuuuuuuuuug… get back from meeeeeeee…

Charlie says he doesn’t see anything particularly avant-garde about the set up, so he knows he’s gonna have to pull something interesting out or he’s gonna get blamed for it and go home. Or maybe Michael will just put his face real close to Charlie’s… that’d be a big threat, too…

Underdog Nicole is lucky she has immunity here, because right away she’s not understanding the concept of “avant-garde” as she says she wants her model’s hair to be “simple and soft… not too crazy”. Um, Nicole, that’s kind of the whole point. Why is it that people on reality shows always do the craziest shit when they’re supposed to make things nice and normal and pretty and pleasing, and then when they are finally given the chance to do something wild and crazy and outrageous, they always do something “simple and soft”? Doesn’t anybody remember that “simple” is another word for “stupid”? Oh well, bitch has immunity, so she could color her model’s hair fuschia, lime-green and burnt sienna, spray it with glitter and rub sea-squid all over it and it still wouldn’t matter, she ain’t goin’ nowhere…

Lesbiana Dee says her strategy is to do something “original” and “edgy”. Gaaaaaaah! The fuckin’ “edgy” bullshit again! That word has lost any descriptive power it once held for me…. although I think in this case it may mean “ready to topple off of a cliff into a deep ravine of suckiness”. Our girl Dee ain’t gonna put the hair up like other people are doing, she wants to show what she’s all about and tosses out her same tired buzzwords “strong”, “trendy” and “funky”. In translation: “same”, “old” and “thing”.

Bitchy Charlie is getting all gardener on his model’s ass and is gonna create a “hedge-like shape with a few flowers popped in.” Hmmmm, I dunno, that sounds dangerously close to sea-salt and flour from two weeks ago! Charlie ain’t cutting his model’s hair, though, as he says “Chiiiiiile, she has that (*snap*) much hair! I am gonna set that girl’s hair like it has never been set before! I am gonna curl it, I am gonna rag-set it, I am gonna pin it, and I’m gonna hit it with the flat-iron afterwards! We’re settin’ it for Jesus!”

…Charlie Price… settin’ hair for Jesus since 1987…

Oooh, now it’s time for René Fris to come in and undermine all their confidence! Yay for René and his tricky ways (and bizarre SuperFag poses)! He starts off with Dallas Daniel who is adding about two extra Diana Rosses-worth of hair, some of it a really awful shade of red… and it’s in braids.

…”Teww mee yoo aaa nod sewiouws aboud deez Laurah Ingallss bwaiyd!”…

Daniel pretty much admits he has no clue if he’s going in the right direction or not because Michael said he wanted it “edgy but beautiful but edgy but beautiful but edgy but beautiful but edgy!” René flat-out tells him the Prairie Braids scare him a liddle bid.

The next victim is Underdog Nicole, who says she’s doing smooth fingerwaves in front and some extensions with red to match her model’s red dress. René axes her if she’s thinging about immunidy and she assures him she’s not, but really she probably is, cuz I know I would be like “Yeah, bitches! Watch me fuck up this challenge as much as I want to and I’m still not going home, nanny-nanny-boooo-boo-stick-your-head-in-doooo-dooo!” René sees there’s no battle to be had here, so he moves on to Bitchy Charlie…

…who has created an amazing shape that looks like he twisty-toilet-papered his model’s whole head. René is concerned about frizziness, but Charlie insists that a little frizz is okay as long as it’s soft. I hope he’s right, Michael doesn’t look like he takes prisoners… or self-portraits for that matter (baaad, J-Mo, stop it.)

Last in line for abuse is Lesbiana Dee. René clocks right away that she cut the length her model’s hair and wants to know why she did that. Dee says it’s because she wants to add in more pieces of hair, and if it was shorter she will have more fullness. Her poor model looks like she’s not happy that she wound up getting her hair cut at all…

…well, hon, Autumn is often a season of sorrow…

René goes right for the throat when he asks her “Aaa yoo comffabble with dis challense?” and Dee says she’s done some photo shoots before, but that she’s more excited than anything to showcase a style that’s more her. It didn’t really answer the question, but the lack of an answer was all the answer René needed, and he glides prissily away…

…only to return a few moments later as he notices that Dee is having problems. She had originally applied hair extensions to her model’s head with clips, but the girl’s hair was so fine they were slipping and now it looks like Dee’s supergluing them to her already unhappy model’s head. Great, so you’re stuck with this originaledgystrongfunkytrendy style until you can find a solvent that dissolves epoxy… good luck!

Dallas Daniel clocks the fact that Dee has made the same haircut again that she has done in previous challenges, most notably in the bitch challenge from a couple of weeks ago…

…”arf! arf! arf! Dee did mah hayir, Dee did mah hayir!”…

Bitchy Charlie is critiquing Dallas Daniel’s ‘do, saying that while Daniel knows how to do big hair, he’s not sure he grasps the meaning of “avant garde”. That’s probably why Danny put it in “air quotes” when he mentioned it earlier.

Time is up! And just when you think there could NOT be any more pressure on them, René drops the bomb that all of the judges will be present at the photo shoot (Jaclyn Smith and Kim Vo, but no Kelly Atterton) as well as today’s guest judge, editor in chief of Allure Magazine, Linda Wells…

…definitely prettier than Anna Wintour (sorry Annie)…

Bitchy Charlie immediately asks if anyone has a Valium and interviews “She’s only one of the most powerful women in fashion, so I’m scared… shitless!” Dee looks like she’s scared shitmore and might have filled her pants a little bit at this news….

…cleanup on Aisle D…

Too late now, it’s about to begin, and first up is Underdog Nicole’s WinterGirl. Her model lays down and the hair is immediately encrusted in corn-flake sized bits of fake snow. Michael Grecco is in full Uggo-Power Modeâ„¢ as he complains that it looks like the model has dandruff, and that shit needs to be cleaned out of her hair pronto. Of course, the model also looks like a frozen corpse, but this doesn’t seem to bother anybody but me (when I think of winter, cadaver-pops don’t automatically spring to mind)…

…Nicole, honey, she might need some Selsun Blue or Head’N'Shoulders…

Michael is steadily complaining that the hair looks like it has flyaways and is too dry, and Underdog Nicole is running ragged trying to reshape the “soft and simple” curls she so badly wanted… and after she’s working feverishly trying to accommodate him, he kind of seems to give up and snottily tells her that it’s “close enough”. Jaclyn, Kim and Linda Wells are observing and Jaclyn says it doesn’t look like an actual style. Ouch! Meanwhile, Michael GargantuNose is rudely berating Nicole for not watching the monitor over his shoulder closely enough so she can give further input (she’s standing right there, any closer and her eyeballs would have been glued to his fucking viewfinder). People, please, if you think Charlie is bitchy, this guy is the Crotchety Gramma Queen Of All Bitches… oh, and next Nicole gets bitched out for not warning Michael she was going to go into the frame… it’s her simple inexperience with doing a photo shoot, but Mikey is treating her like she should already know this, and that kind of attitude really pisses me off…

I’m wondering how Lesbiana Dee is going to take this, because FugMike is coming for her next… and before the model even gets to jumping around, Michael says he’s worried about the frizzy parts around the crown of her head, which Dee tries to fix with pomade and hairspray…

…the Autumn leeeeeaves are fallling dowwwwwwn… and so is Deeeeeee’s super-frizzy crowwwwwwn…

Michael says that AutumnGirl’s hair isn’t going back enough when the she jumps, it’s just going up and looking “Poindexterish”. Kim Vo says on the DL to Linda that he thinks architecturally it’s going to be tough to throw wind in Dee’s cut. Now Michael is saying he’s disappointed in the way Dee placed the yellow color extensions too far back, and wants her to bring them forward immediately. Poor Dee. I actually feel a bit sorry for her here, you can tell she is rattled and privately interviews “Michael is very intimidating… I feel like, you don’t have to be a cocky asshole to be a great artist.” True dat, girlfriend! Although, maybe it wasn’t the brightest thing to say considering the fact that the guy is probably gonna see you say that on TV….

…and at this point I don’t think Dee cares… and I don’t blame her, girl, he was being hateful…

…maybe therein lies a lesson for Dee (and all of us). Mikey Gruggo’s not letting up, either as he’s pointing out problems with her bangs that have been created by Dee’s cut, and dryness and frizziness appearing… Dee’s hurrying and trying to fix all of this shit he’s barking out to her, and then he rushes her further by saying they’ve only got 10 minutes left! Damn! I’m really having a tall glass of Haterade in your honor, Mr. Michael Checco, cuz you are forcing me to side with Lesbiana Dee!

How will Bitchy Charlie fare? First thing Mikey-Mike says is that SpringGirl’s hair doesn’t look avant-garde, it’s too “period”, too “romantic”. It seems almost like this guy is talking out his ass just to fuck with these people for his own pleasure and amusement, which normally I would find kind of funny, but not the mean pissy way he’s doing it. Charlie keeps his cool, though, and goes in and starts pulling out hair tendrils with his comb, but now Michael is complaining that it’s too frizzy. Apparently Charlie has been through this drill before, though, because he says that photographers often pull this shit where they change their minds mid-stream and you have to be able to adapt the hair at light speed to accommodate their insane whims…

…springy avant-garde?… or country dumpage?…

…but all of a sudden, Michael says it has “attitude” and he likes it! But then he calls it “a little Bride Of Frankenstein” and I’m shouting at the TV “It’s FRAHNkenSTEEN!” Kim and Linda are key-keying that the frizz is getting in the way, but that maybe Charlie can pull it out.

Last up is Dallas Daniel and his SummerGirl… first thing Muggsy Mike notices is that Daniel did a lot of detail work in the back… but he’s shooting her face, so no one’s gonna see it! Crap, I hate it when he has a point! He says it’s not avant garde at all, and hates the red braid! He’s over talking to the judging panel and saying that there’s NOTHING that he’s seeing that he likes about it… Daniel, this spells T-R-O-U-B-L-E, especially when NastyMike goes on to say that he feels like he’s “backed into a corner with this hairstyle”. Daniel is trying to work on it, but the red, the red, the red is just messing the whole thing up! Daniel appears to be gnawing his fingernails right down to the third knuckle, and suggests the model hold one of the now discarded violet flowers, a suggestion that Mikey actually likey!!

…girl, you make it look like they’re… goin’ to the toilet on you…

Oh, but now here comes the “misting” and Dallas Daniel says that the L.A.F.D. brought their hoses and that “he hosed this bitch dayown lahk she was owon FAHR!!” but Daniel is proud that his base-tease stood up to the deluge. He’s right in the way that a gentle rain won’t wash away a pile of turds, but it doesn’t exactly make them look any more appealing, either… Michael finishes off with a “It’s good… we got it… there’s nothing more I can do with this!” Daniel clutches his can of hairspray and whimpers a little. Jeez, coming on the heels of Ze French Prozaque that was José Eber, Uggo Mike sure is a harsh contrast! But at least it’s finally a wrap, and they can all excape!

Back in the Judgment Chambers, the Final Four face the Death Squad of Jaclyn, Kim, Linda and Michael (ugh, please, no more face time for him (at least in close-ups), have mercy on me Bravo!)….

…kinda makes you wish for a temporary cable outage, don’t it?…

First up on the chopping block is Dallas Daniel and his Sad Summer Señorita…

…yes, this totally reminds me of summer… on Bubonic Plague Island…

…Pre-photo-shoot fucking up and wetting down…

Daniel talks about the pompadour he built to withstand the misting, and Linda nails him with the fact that yes, it stood up to the water, but, as she put it “Is it a pretty hairstyle?” and goes on to point out that he did all that needless work in the back that wouldn’t be seen in the photo and the wet pompadour wasn’t really enough. Michael wants to know why Daniel went with the red braid, and Daniel says it was because the dress was kinda boring in color, and Michael says again that it wasn’t in his color palette.

Then Kim Vo jumps in and says that he hates contradictory textures in hairstyles, such as curls with braids (this violates Laws of Physics in the Kim Vo-iverse) and he says “It’s like taking a laxative and a sleeping pill in one night, I don’t understand it!” Ooooh, that one’s gonna leave a mark, Kim Vo! (Although, not as much of one as he thinks, because that’s not his own original line… I knew I had read that somewhere before, and its actually a quote from comic writer Dave Barry, so Kim ripped him off!). Daniel gracefully tries to defend himself saying that he knew a braid would hold up under the water mist. Then Asshat Michael says “I do like what we did at the end when we brought the hair down and then started creative shaping!” Um, what’s with the “we” shit, Michael, I don’t remember you doing anything more than bitching and being pissy and mean to Daniel… oh and dumping buckets of water on the model’s head. Prick.

Jaclyn tries to give him a little encouragement by saying that he didn’t give up and kept trying to pull tricks out of his bag… Daniel looks like he’s about to cry. I would have been blubbering on the floor already (or starting to whip my Buxton Bag around my head like a sling in the hopes of beaning Michael Checco in the head with my iPod and $958.26 in spare change… fucker).

Next in line for a cornholing is Lesbiana Dee and her Mop-Headed Leafy Lolita…

…and Autumn in Toxic Waste Townâ„¢ looks positively emetic… the model looks like she wants to hurl…

…girlfriend kinda reminded me of Hilary Swank back in “The Next Karate Kid” days…

Lesbiana Dee says that because they don’t really see the seasons change in Miami she thought of fall in New York. Kim Vo is feeling feisty today (probably high off of the success of his stolen laxative/sleeping pill joke) and asks her if she cut off a lot of the model’s hair. Dee admits to it, and Kim goes for the kill by saying that it’s the same cut she always does…

…make all the dagger eyes you want, girl, you’re about to get busted…

This comment caused Nicole to giggle behind her hand and exchange a glance with Charlie. I thought I’d take a look back and see if Kim is right on, or if he’s just whistling Dixie through those creepy rubbery lips of his…

…turns out he’s right on the money… even down to the one male cut she did!…

Dee is on the defensive saying she did not want to do an up-do like everyone else was doing, and that she loved her cut (but of course she did). Linda Wells is actually quite kind here and says it was a beautiful “daytime cut” that was useable and wearable by anyone… and then she steps over into the territory of Not-So-Kind when she says that when the model jumped, the hair ‘broke into little bits” and the bangs got so short they got that “village idiot kind of look”. Michael goes in for the coup-de-grace as he says it wasn’t the right hairstyle at all for what he was looking for. Tssssss! Zowie!

It’s now Underdog Nicole’s turn to trot forth her Wintery White Witch…

…Nucular Winter is more like it… and what’s with the stabby icicle, is that what killed her?…

…I love the “cocaine ’round the eyes” style of make-up, like she fell face-first into her stash…

Nicole talks about her soft waves and curls some more, and mentions adding the matchy-matchy extensions that were the same color as the wine-red dress. Michael disagrees with her choice (of course) and says that platinum hair pieces would have looked better. My guess is if she had used platinum, he would have come back and asked why she didn’t use red to match the dress. Linda gives kudos to Nicole for working so hard and being “incredibly cooperative” (a.k.a. “taking it up the ass from MichaelBitch without complaining about the pain or bleeding”) and that’s about all they have to say about her! Immunity is a wonderful thing. She’s lucky she got it, or I think she would have been sent packing.

Last is our Bitchy Charlie and his Silky Spring Silhouetta…

…why is Springtime so sad?… probly cuz the bitch is hungry, someone get her a $5 footlong from Subway!…

…big beautiful bed head (with flowers)!…

Charlie talks about the angles he put in the hair (squircangles?) and Michael immediately says when the girl first walked out he thought Charlie “wasn’t listening” to him, because he wanted avant garde and Charlie gave him “romantic period”. What romantic period was frizz-head popular in? I think Michael is on his period. Kim Vo chimes in that when Michael told Charlie to fix the hair that he “killed the fly with a shotgun” when he went in and “kung-fu’ed the hair to death”. Linda Wells says it’s a good thing the model turned profile in the picture so they could capture the lovely shape on the right side of her head, because the left side apparently had a “poodle in the rain” look. Michael says Charlie might have taken it too far too fast, but he worked it into something that could be used in the shoot, and then Michael blows me away by saying “It was a nice hairstyle.” Charlie almost collapses from relief.

And they are all banished to the break room while the judges make what Jaclyn calls “an extremely difficult decision”. She doesn’t add “that will be shaped by producer input”.

In a nutshell, the judges agree that Dallas Daniel choked and was thrown off by the whole water experience, plus the funky braid thing. Jaclyn says Lesbiana Dee’s bang cut made the model’s hair look like a wig (ow, Jacci!) and Kim admits that he is super-tired of seeing the same cut from Dee time and time again. Suddenly Michael says that Dee was “more comfortable” and that she “really listened”, and Linda Wells pipes up with “Except that it’s not a personality contest!”, which is a good thing considering she hasn’t been here to witness some of Dee’s finer moments. Underdog Immune Nicole is busted for her inexperience and for using too much restraint. Now behind Bitchy Charlie’s back, Michael is saying that he didn’t like the hairstyle he did, it was “too schmaltzy” but Linda really liked it, and Jaclyn says what saved it was that he used less product at the start so the hair didn’t get all weighed down like it did on Daniel’s and Nicole’s. They’re making this too hard to call. Fuckers.

Jaclyn reminds Underdog Nicole of her immunity, which gives U.N. a chance to heave a big sigh of relief, and the other three are called forward…. Jaclyn gives tons of kudos to Charlie’s styling and use of the flowers and his ability to work with Michael without succumbing to the urge to stab him in the neck with a stylist’s pick… and Bitchy Charlie is the winner again!!!!

…I caught a sexy little belly flash here, but be careful jumping next to Dee, Charlie, I bet she’d like to punch you in the nuts right now…

I don’t blame him for jumping up and down, the damn online poll at BravoTV.com had people thinking he was the one most likely to miss out on being in the finals. And actually Dee gives Charlie a polite hug, as does Daniel, and Charlie rejoins Nicole in SafetyLand.

Now it’s time for the bad news… After reviewing each of their individual flaws Jaclyn says “Dee….” and pauses just long enough to make us all sweat a bucket or two before she finishes “…you are safe.” Awwww, dammit, that means Dallas Daniel is going home!

Jaclyn asks Daniel if he has anything he’d like to say and he bounces back immediately with a big smile and a laugh and says “Weyell of COwurse theyir is, hayav way mait?” which makes Jaclyn laugh. Oh Jaclyn, that’s why we love you, you can soften bad news like this. Daniel says he was thrilled to be there and meet everybody and says “And ah’m ready t’git bayack t’Dallas… Y’all don’t wear yer hayir nearly big enough fer may!” and he laughs some more. You know, I would have thought Daniel would have been a sobbing mess after getting cut right before the final like this, but you know who is even more emotional than all of them???…

…Lesbiana Dee’s emotion chip must be starting to overload her positronic neural network…

Daniel thanks everybody and they share a big group hug, and now it looks like Dee’s not the only one who is having a moment over Daniel’s departure…

…somehow this tears at my heart worse than seeing Dee cry…

Jaclyn composes herself and tells Daniel what an achievement it was to get as far as he did, and calls him “a true Texas Gentleman”. Awww, now I’m gonna cry. Jaclyn is reminding the final three (Underdog Nicole, Lesbiana Dee and Bitchy Charlie) that they’ve almost made it to the end and wants to see who will rise to the challenge and show them something that is SHEAR GENIUS!!!

In his exit interview, Dallas Daniel admits he really didn’t pull off the “avant garde” challenge very well, but is pleased with how far he got doing “classic beautiful hair”, and that he’s going to go back to Dallas to do just that. He goes on to say that “Everyone who knows may, knows thayat mah glass is ALLways hayalf-full… and this hayas bin the fullest damn glass ah’ve evur hayad in thayse hayands… and ah’ve loved… ev’ry… second of it!” and now he’s getting a little misty-eyed…

…bye bye, Daniel… I’m gonna miss you and your wacky faces…*snif*…

And with that, we’re almost to the finale! What did you think of this episode? Did you think Daniel’s was really the worst hair, or do you think Dee’s repetitive A-line bobs should have gotten her the boot instead? Did you think Michael Grecco was the biggest asshat judge we’ve met this season? Do you miss SexyDean like I do?

I’m off to beddy-bye land now, dear Gasmii, but check back within a day or two for my new recap of Salon Takeover With Tabatha… the pilot was a faaaaaabulous show, chock full’o'drama and nuts, just the way I like ‘em!

love, J-Mo