Shear Genius: Dry-Cutting Curls And Pin-Up Girls

Happy Post-Oscars, everyone! Could you all believe how bad the hair was at this year’s show? I don’t know if it was the rain, or if Sarah Jessica Parker was trying to look all freshly-fucked on purpose to combat those nasty rumors about her and Matthew Broderick’s marriage being on the rocks, but Tabatha would have agreed that there was a big need for some smoothing styling product. However, that cannot compare with the big news that I have for you guys! (((deep breath))) Last Saturday we WENT TO BRIG’S SALON IN SIMI VALLEY!!! My friend Garilyn was in need of a haircut and I convinced him that it would be fun to go see the strip-mall where Miss Wacky Wee-Wee Wigs works…

…I had to promise him she wouldn’t be allowed do anything like this to him…

…and actually, we only missed seeing BrigADocious by about an hour! I have to be honest, her salon “p!ay” is exactly as I would have expected it to be, it’s the perfect environment for her, and of course there was a giant poster of Shear Genius in the window! More on that later, though, let’s get to the episode itself after the jump…Starting us off on the wrong note (as usual) is Cameltoe, who’s desperately trying to rock the Marcel Wave like Kristin Scott Thomas in Gosford Park…

…minus the diction and acting talent, natch!…

Did any of you see her on the red carpet at the Oscars hawking her line of incredibly overpriced handbags? Tack-o-rama! If you want to pay $1000 for a piece of shit that’s covered in fringe and looks like it should be rotating in an automatic car wash, then please be my guest. In any case, she takes a minute to direct Brialien to look at his Kim Kardashian-wannabee from last week who is now illuminated on the Allure Wall Of Obscurityâ„¢ and remind him that he now has immunity, so I’m sure there will be a lot of indigenous-Hawaiian-inspired styling this week. Aloha!

Also, I love the face that the MattBian makes when he hears the part about immunity for Brialien…

…it’s as if just hearing it smells like the ghost of 80-puke…

Oh, wah. I guess someone’s not feeling like they’re the prettiest in the room today. This bitch and Garofalo are really starting to get on my last damn nerve. If they don’t stop being so annoying I’m going to wind up rooting for ApRebel or BrigADometer to win this thing. Anyhow, it’s about to get way smellier as Cameltoe introduces today’s Shortcut Challenge guest judge…

…”Yeah, Moulay really pumps my nads…” – R.I.P. John Hughes…

I. Do. Not. Be. Lieve. That. Hair. For realsies, I know these famous people in Hairworldâ„¢ all want to be taken seriously, but how can I look at his dirty barmop-head and not think of the Bay City Rollers? Or Helen Reddy? In any event, Cameltoe helpfully exposits that Mouldy here studied under John Sahag, who happened to have the exact same messy-ass hairstyle, so way to be original there, Mouldy. MattBian, of course, has an erection and crosses himself upon hearing John Sahag’s name, because he was apparently responsible for Demi Moore’s boy-hair in the movie Ghost…

…I’d be crossing myself and praying that this never happens again…

Oh, and also he pioneered the technique of dry-cutting hair, which sounds about as fun as dry-shaving. Just so we’re clear, we have a not-famous-but-alive guy with messy-ass hair who studied with a famous-but-dead guy who also had messy-ass hair. Gotcha. Let’s bring on today’s about-to-be-fuggos…

…you poor things…

Why am I so pessimistic for these ladies to be able to leave the salon today without having baseball caps jammed tightly over their heads? Well, because the ShortCut Challenge is for the stylestants to give these curly-haired victims a “graduated bob” cut… while completely dry!

Before we go any further I figured I should find out what a “graduated bob” is, so I turned to my good buddy Google…

…which was not immediately helpful…

…but after I added “haircut” to my search, then look who came up!…

…The BeckBobâ„¢…

Yes, there are blowjobfaces all around, because apparently dry-cutting isn’t something everyone is familiar with, and forcing curly hair into a straight bob is pretty tough, too. ApRebel explains…

…goddamnfuckingshitcocklickingassmunchpussyfartsucktwat!†…

† “This is going to be difficult.”

So let’s pick some scissor-boxes to find out who gets fucked before we even begin!…

…goddamnfuckingshitcocklickingassmunchpussyfartsucktwat!…

Poor Amyrexia, she’s always getting the pubic hair on her Coke can! At least she has a sense of humor about it as she groans “Every time I get the last box!”. Her humor quickly fades though when Garofalo decides to toss out a snickerbitchy “At least you’re consistent!” in her direction…

…what a fitting number for a tiny little coozeturd…

Ugh, shut up Garofalo, and BTW, nobody believes that you’re only 28, hag. Anyhow, they all pick their models, which is especially fun for BrigADoccio as she selects her girl and immediately insults her by telling her “I can’t turn down a redhead. You have my hair!” Here’s the model’s face upon hearing that…

… Classic. …

LOL, poor redhead! It’s about to get even grimmer, because Cameltoe tells them they have to turn in all of their cutting tools after they finish the cut, which means they won’t be able to go back and fix mistakes once they start styling. BrigADubious says NO ONE will be able to pull off this cut perfectly. I have to agree, I’ll be impressed if there aren’t seven hysterically weeping women fleeing at the end of the show today.

Two hours to fug starts now! ApRebel immediately sees that her model’s hair is even bigger, curlier and frizzier than she first thought and tells us that graduated bobs just aren’t her thing. I sense someone getting ready to say “Fuck the ShortCut!” Meanwhile, Garofalo is having nasty flashbacks to the horrible Miss Swanification she perpetrated on her model in the very first challenge…

…lest we forget…

…and since this is basically the same kind of haircut, she’s determined to take her time and do things right, which sucks, because I was kinda hoping for Miss Swan: The Squeakquel. Rats.

Over in p!ayland, BrigADebatable is telling Miss Not-At-All-The-Same-Kind-Of-Red-Head that a graduated bob can look “maternity” if it’s done incorrectly. She goes on to tell us she thinks it’s a boring style, “You just walk onto the used car lot, buy a minivan, get a graduated bob, and like, roll out to the PTA meeting…” Hahaha, that’s funny, except…

…isn’t that kind of the same style she’s wearing now?…

Yay for lack of self-awareness! It’s why we love her. Hey, here comes Mouldy and he’s bringing a raft of stink-lines with him to talk to Garofalo. After she gets her gorge under control she lies and tells him she really likes doing the dry-cutting thing because “you can see what you’re doing as you’re going!” That’s funny, just three minutes earlier she was bitching to ApRebel about how she’s never done any of this kind of crap before and how freaked out she is.

Meanwhile, ApRebel’s also complaining about how this cut bores her to tears and that her “whole clientele base would not have a graduated bob on their head!” and she’s making some very odd hand-passes as she chopstabs at her client’s hair with a set of clippers…

…eenie-meenie-chili-beanie, the spirits are about to SPEAK!…

That woman is probably watching this now and feeling lucky to have gotten away with her life. Back in the salon, BrigADoodle thinks she’s finished and that her model’s hair looks great, but notices that everyone else is still cutting, so she goes back in and starts shaving all the hair off the back of the poor girl’s head. Garofalo privately calls her a maniac and says that it is going to be a total bitch for that girl to grow her hair back out again, which is rich coming from a total bitch like Garofalo.

Mouldy’s zeroed in on Yawn TrannyLips as he’s cutting and promises to give him one of his gaudy-ass rings he’s wearing if Tranny “gets it right”. TrannyLips takes one look at that clunky piece of shit and says he’d have to use it as a cock ring…

…or a damned butt plug…

LOL, Mouldy manages to look both offended and turned-on! With an hour left, Amyrexia has decided she’s finished and is taking her model to start styling her. MattBian calls out after her that she better be sure, because there’s no going back and fixing anything now. This, in turn, annoys TrannyLips, who wishes someone would kick the soap-box out from under MattBian and he’d just STFU. These two are so gonna boink.

One by one, the stylestants start putting their cutting tools on the central station and begin styling, and some of them are even going to attempt coloring within the remaining hour…

…plus a little Donnie Darko styling…

MattBian sneers that he can’t understand why anyone would attempt coloring in this situation because it’s “not a proper use of time”. Now I see why he and Garofalo get along so well… because he secretly wishes he had the guts to dress like the old-maid schoolmarm she frequently embodies. These two are just insufferable, and it’s only going to get worse, because time is up, and MattBian’s the first to be judged…

…along with his low-budget Brenda Walsh…

Mouldy says the overall look of it is fantastic, he gave her a beautiful look, especially with the bangs, he just nailed it. Oh, piss off, I don’t care if Mouldy thought it was awesome, that shit looks choppy as fuck! My mommy freehanded more even bangs on me in the 70′s! OH, wait, I spoke too soon, he doesn’t love everything about it, cuz Mouldy’s calling him out on the right side being uneven and heavy, but overall, it’s just a fabulous jizz-inducing style. Blah. Let’s move on to Garofalo…

…who gave us a low-budget Janet Wood a la Three’s Company…

Well, it’s certainly an improvement on the Big Brown Helmet she did the last time, but will Mouldy like it? Ugh, he’s all “C’est fantastique!” and yeah, she also left the right side a little heavy (which prompts Garofalo and MattBian to grin and make squeezyfaces at each other cuz they’re just like twinsies and they’re the new Jack and Karen, y’all!) but he thinks it’s “overall perfect”!

…I just had to post this because I’m loving the combined BrigAndApRebel Hatred Flavorâ„¢…

Sorry BrigADownside, I guess someone was able to shoot for perfect after all. So how did our p!aygirl do?…

… *gasp*… She turned her client into Single White Female!…

Oooh, Mouldy is pissed! “We gave you someone with long hair! You should have created something more beautiful than this!” He goes on to say that it’s not graduated at all, it’s too short for this girl’s head, the sections are uneven, she just kept cutting and cutting and cutting… he finishes with “and you gave her that!” in the exact same tone as if she had rubbed dogshit in the girl’s hair…

…”Soooo, you’re saying it’s not perfect?”…

Ouch, that was way harsh. Let’s move into a more mellow zone with our spacey Brialien…

…two words: soccer mom…

Brialien’s trying to get all technical on Mouldy’s ass, talking about the exact degree of angle he was working on each of the sections with, and he just goes on and on and on until finally Mouldy can’t stand it any more and cuts him off, saying that while he did do some graduation in the back, there isn’t any on the sides…

…”The sides of her head are still in 11th grade!”…

Oddly enough, he doesn’t mention the fact that Brialien managed to age this poor woman about 10 years. Yikes. Time to move along to Amyrexia and her seventh-choice client (that nobody else wanted)…

…Meh. Is there a hairstyle that can make someone’s gums look smaller?…

She’s praised by Mouldy for giving her girl a beautiful cut, but he doesn’t like the fact that she spent a bunch of time unnecessarily coloring her hair, he thinks she should have used that time to go back and “texturize” the girl’s hair more. All in all, it’s a solid bleh, I guess.

Oh lordy, here comes Miss ApRebel…

…three words: drag a licious…

Well, that ain’t no graduated bob, but I must admit, it’s certainly far more interesting of a style than anything else we’ve seen in this challenge. However, Mouldy is now in a full-on snit, saying that Cameltoe told them all in the beginning to make the hair straight (which, in ApRebel’s defense, nobody can understand a bloody word out of that bitch’s mushmouth, so it’s possible she misunderstood) and he sounds positively offended that ApRebel chose to present him with this style instead.

He’s not stopping there, either, cuz he gets right on up in the model’s hair and starts pointing out flaws and pontificating at the same time: “Does there have to be holes? I don’t think so! It has to be texturized, but it has to be, like, an even cut… correct?”

I have to say, I fall in love with ApRebel a little bit as she looks him back directly in the eye and says “Not for me, but, yeah, for you, that’s cool, I respect you.” (and she’s one up on me, because I could never respect anyone who had such fucked-up hairstyling) Oh my, Mouldy does not like this at all, and he sputters “That’s not the point! The point is give us a slick graduated bob!”…

…he best be careful and back off, or she’s likely to take that necklace off and zizz it at his head like a Chinese throwing star!…

ApRebel’s deadpan response to this? “That’s my graduated bob, so, I fail. To you, I fail.” BWAHAHAHAHAHA! I am loving this! ApRebel (and I guess before her, 80, kinda) has finally figured out that these ShortCut QuickFire challenges mean squat in terms of the competition (other than some small advantage that’s often worthless) and are pretty much only useful as an ego-boost. Girlfriend doesn’t care, she thinks this kind of cut is ugly, “like someone took an axe and just forgot to chop the rest of the head off!” and she’s basically telling Mouldy he can suck it if he doesn’t like it.

The other stylestants are all kinda giggling amongst themselves as well, I think they’re tickled with ApRebel’s defiant attitude and the fact that she just plain does not give a shit. Well, everybody except for MattBian and Garofalo, who take this shit way too seriously and are, of course, shocked that someone didn’t do the assigned challenge. Fuck those ass-kissers, I’d rather watch BrigADootiebubble doing her impression of ApRebel’s powderkeg when it blows…

…or, you know, her own…

Back to the confrontation at hand, ApRebel just bluntly lays it out there “If you don’t like it, it’s all good.” Mouldy takes a deep and bitchy breath and fires back “Can I ask you a very simple question? A client comes to your salon and she says ‘I want a slick bob.’…” ApRebel cuts him off and shoots right back “I’d say ‘Go to Vidal Sassoon.’ Period.” BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, ApRebel, I think I love you.

In the uncomfortable silence that follows this exchange, Yawn TrannyLips stage whispers at ApRebel “Great, I’m next… thanks a lot!” Oh please, Tranny, like you could do any worse than that???…

…especially when he started out with Morticia Addams…

Naturally, Mouldy thinks it’s a nice cut, and he loves the bangs, but he finds a lot of unevenness in the back, and Yawn admits he shouldn’t have bothered with coloring, he should have just stuck to the cut. See? He got off way easy!

Time for the results, and it’s no surprise that the Bottom Two are ApRebel (because of all those horrible holes, which is funny coming from a ‘hole like Mouldy) and BrigADamaged (who “lost her haircut” when she kept cutting and then turned in “a disaster”). Naturally in the Top Two are MattBian and Garofalo, zzzzz, and BrigADonewiddit is just as over their big bag of bullshit as I am, noting that they’re doing their squeezyfaced thing again and being super-irritating…

…and just so we’re clear, Garofalo… Karen Walker would never wear any of that tacky pseudo-retro shit that you assault us with every week, so stop trying to pawn yourself off as the punk version of her…

So the winner is Garofalo, and she gets to have first pick of the models in the Elimination Challenge, big whoop-dee-doo. She claims now that she prides herself in dry-cutting (which is again weird, because she said earlier she had never cut this way before) and she’s all “Yay, I can do a graduated bob!” Yes, and don’t forget you can also do a Big Brown Helmet, too!

Back at the HateLoft, Amyrexia is drunk and slurrily telling MattBian and Garofalo that someone needs to knock them off their pedestal. Clearly that someone is not her, but I feel her sentiment. Of course, Garofalo and MattBian bat their eyelashes, act all faux-upset and are all “What pedestal are you talking about?” Barf.

TrannyLips kindly asks after ApRebel’s state of mind and how she’s doing. She claims to be fine, even though she admits she vented a bit…

…and Garofalo takes her life in her hands by mugging and making poopyfaces for the camera behind her back…

ApRebel’s defending her refusal to kowtow to the mighty Mouldy, but Hack & Barren there insist on being all huffy and elevated, Garofalo actually says “The bob’s a good cut.”, which, if she was punk in the slightest (like she claims to be) she would never have uttered. ApRebel just says it’s not something that’s suited for everyone and every hair type. MattBian bitchily replies, “Yeah… but it was the challenge.”…

…The Tiresome Twosome…

Ugh, put a stiffened sock in it, you two. You already won the Challenge, can’t you just be big about it and let the losers be? Or maybe they’re upset because ApRebel not caring about the stupid ShortCut Challenge robs them of some of the mean joy of their victory, and that’s what’s really pissing them off? Either way, ApRebel earned some new respect from me, and I lost what little I had for these two.

The next day the stylestants meet up with BoreLando and Cameltoe, who’s spent most of the last day apprently getting new extensions put in…

…you know, she could have been listening to some Berlitz CDs while sitting and having that done…

Cameltoe says that the Elimination Challenge is going to be all about pleasing men, and at first TrannyLips and MattBian are all excited because, duh, this is the kind of thing they live (and don’t wear underwear) for. Ah, but then Cameltoe gestures to a table that has a bunch of portraits of men in various branches of our military service, and that puts a whole new spin on things (and TrannyLips is still excited because he thinks this means he can put his uniform fetish to good use!).

MattBian immediately tries to butter us all up by saying he’s “pretty much a patriotic person” and that just looking at those pictures made him get all misty-eyed. Jeez, man up, you wuss! You don’t even know what the challenge is! For all he knows he might have to be putting these guys in drag wigs for some USO show! Or maybe they’ll have to use some more of the dreaded menztensions!

Eventually Cameltoe brings out their clients, who are all military wives…

…and who, with all the stress they’re under, are quite likely to kick your ass if you make them look fugly…

Okay, MattBian, now you can have a good cry, because the Elimination Challenge is for the stylestants to transform these ladies into classic 40′s pin-up girls for a photo shoot and a video presentation that they’re going to be making to send to their husbands, all of whom are deployed overseas. TrannyLips tells us this reminds him of all the amazing people who are out there fighting for and protecting us, people that don’t even know him, and it gives him chills…

…and this is his “chills face” apparently…

Plus, if any of them really knew him, they might not be so willing to protect his skanky tatted-up ass. KIDDING! On the real side, I can totally feel for these ladies, because my older brother M-Mo was deployed to Iraq for 18 months with the U.S. Army and it was a daily thing to wonder and worry about any number of terrible things that might befall him or any of his compatriots in harm’s way. I’ve said it before: I may hate the war, but I surely do love our service people for all they do. Plus, this whole pin-up girl thing is a pretty cute idea…

…even if Miss Sweetie Pie Brace Face here is going to tear your heart out…

This explains Cameltoe’s getup, too. She goes on to tell them that they have to utilize either finger-waves or pin-curls in their stylings and then introduces them to today’s guest judge, Robert Vetica, who is a humorless looking bald guy, and apparently one of MattBian’s ultimate hair-idols, because he gushes to us “I believe in the same things he believes!”…

…and Bobby apparently believes in walking around like he’s got a spiky butt-plug rammed up his ass…

Sorry, that’s two butt-plug references in one recap, my bad. I don’t know why I have butt-plugs on the brain lately, I’ve never even used one. That I’m aware of. Anyhow, Bobby Buttplug here has worked on Salma Hayek (whom I am always getting confused with Penelope Cruz), Scarlett Johansson and Naomi Watts. He is apparently also known for bringing “Old Hollywood” glamour into the modern era.

Buttplug tells them that in the 1940′s during The War, women didn’t have money to purchase clothes or stockings (or in his case, a sense of humor) but they always made sure they had a glorious head of hair. Soooo, everybody ran around naked with big hair? Hmmm, I’m going to have to ask my Grandma about the 40′s next time we go to lunch, it sounds like it was a lot more fun than I thought…

…Thanks for the history lesson, Buttplug…

You know, I always preferred to think that those poofy ornate styles were really skull-protection from possible bombings, with a little bit of glam thrown in to make them palatable. Anyhow, because bitch-ass Garofalo won the Battle Of The Bobs, she gets to pick her model first, and she chooses a nice young lady by the name of Stephanie, who has a full head of long dark heavy hair. This choice is quite surprising to BrigADuhoyee, who can’t imagine why Garofalo didn’t go with someone who had shorter curly hair and would be far easier to do a “killer 40′s look” on. Yeah, those ShortCut Challenge Advantages really don’t give you much of a leg up when you do something, you know, blindingly stupid with them.

The rest of the stylestants choose their models by picking one of the photos of the hubbies, and for once Amyrexia has a bit of good luck, because she lands Miss Sweetie Pie Brace Face, who has nice short curly hair. Yay for Amyrexia! And braces! And their two hours starts now!

BrigADated immediately sets her sights on giving her model a Bettie Page bang, which is really 1950′s, but who’s going to argue with her over a little thing like historical accuracy? Not me. At least not to her face, anyhow.

Garofalo is yammering about how much she loves doing this kind of hair, and that it’s one of her “strong suits” (along with being super-irritating and bitchy, which, okay, works pretty well for when you’re a recapper, but in real life not so much) and she’s cockily telling us she’s going to do a traditional wet-set on her model and go with her natural wave pattern… “You’re gonna stand out in pictures!” she gleefully tells her Wifey…

…There! Now that’s more believable!…

MattBian’s washing his client’s hair and blathering on again about how he’s so gonna cry before this challenge is over, and the nice lady with her head shoved down into the sink below him agrees that she is very emotional as well. Maybe because it’s her husband who’s away and she’s got a right to feel sad and lonely, which kinda makes me wish Matty-poo would just kinda shut it about how hard this is for him, you know?

ApRebel’s got more of the correct attitude, her model Sara is only 20, she’s been married a year and a half, and now her husband is away and since he just loves her long hair, ApRebel’s gonna do her best to kick ass and make Sara look real pretty: “I’ve gotta do this for him… there’s a lot at stake today!”

Amyrexia’s also doing her best to be kind and supportive of Miss Sweetie Pie Brace Face, who says her hubby has been gone since January. Instead of competing for the sympathy (like MattBian is) Amyrexia just agrees that that’s a long time and compliments Sweetie Pie on how brave she is…

…seriously, could this girl be any cuter?…

BoreLando Pita shows up to fuck with everybody, but BrigADoodledoo is unflappable as she lays out her plan to do some brightening of her girl’s color, as well as give her fringe bangs and do pin-curls along one side. It all sounds very complex, and BoreLando wonders if she’s gonna have enough time. If I had been her I would have just said yes and shoved him out of my work station (the guy can’t weigh more than 75 pounds) but she keeps her natural urges in check.

Moving on to Garofalo, he’s noticing that she’s left a bunch of stray hairs around her client’s hairline, and wonders if she’s going to clean that stuff up or if she’s just planning on leaving the girl looking like a coconut. She seems completely taken aback by his picking up on the fact that these little frizzies are not making for a smooth, polished look. He advises if she doesn’t take care of them now, it’s only going to be harder later on. Wow, for someone who was so confident that this kind of styling was one of her “strong suits” she sure sounds uncertain of herself.

Meanwhile, Brialien’s made the mistake of actually telling his client that he has immunity! That’s the last thing anyone wants to hear on a reality TV show when they’re about to be put in the hands of a crazy alien stylestant like him. This girl will be lucky if she doesn’t come out looking like Hitler.

MattBian’s talking things over with BoreLando and says he’s going to make his girl have a little bit of a droop in her roll, so it dips in the middle in sort of a Joan Crawford way. BoreLando’s eyes get all wide and he quickly blurts “Yeah, let’s make sure she’s a friendly Joan Crawford!”…

…”Why must everything be a CONTEST?”…

Now BoreLando’s laying into Amyrexia for making Miss Sweetie Pie Brace Face look more like a flapper than forties. Ugh, this is so arbitrary, you guys told them they had to do finger waves, and so they do, and now it’s all wrong? Of course, this means that MattBian has to loftily chime in that Amyrexia’s “so going in the wrong direction” but that at this point in the game he’s certainly not gonna help anybody, so fuck her…

…Get him, Joan!…

Oh, but I bet he’d help out his poor little Garofalo, who’s realizing that her girl’s hair didn’t dry in time so she can’t do the down style she was hoping for. Instead she’s going to make it an up-do, and truthfully, that girl’s hair is now frizzed out like she french-kissed an electrical outlet, it looks like complete crap. So much for this being your “strong suit”. BoreLando comes back by and notices that this fright-wig is completely different that what she originally told him she was gonna do. Naturally, Garofalo blames the client: “Her hair told me what it wanted to do.” Sadly, I think there’s going to be one unhappy soldier who does not recognize his own wife when he gets their little video package…

…and sees a pissed-off sixties hausfrau instead…

Also, as the deadline approaches, MattBian admits that he is running out of time, so he’s tacking a hair-net/snood onto the back of his client’s head to smooth out her hair. I’m sure Matt views this little tactic as “being innovative”, but I suspect the rest of us would probably view it as “cheating”. Oh well, time is up, let’s head on over to the video set where Kim-Chee, The Ant, Cameltoe and Bobby Buttplug are waiting to judge them!

BrigABang’s client Carey is up first…

…Bring on the dancing girls!…

I actually really like what Brig pulled off here, the hair-burrito on the right side reminds me of the great (Bitchy) Charlie Price. Carey’s the first to do her video shoot, and she’s actually quite sweet and endearing, telling her hubby that his kids and his best friend (herself) miss him and they can’t wait to have him back home again…

…did they show that much leg in the 40′s?…

Murmuring amongst themselves, the Ant says Carey looks great, very cute, and Cameltoe chimes in that she’s “hot”. Truthfully, that style was smooth and shiny and polished. I’m impressed! Way to go BrigANometry!

Next up is Amyrexia’s client, Miss Sweetie Pie Brace Face (whose name is actually Jessica)…

…How do you like them apples?…

Poor Jessica is so emotional during her little video segment, she actually makes Cameltoe tear up!…

…Wow, I didn’t know she could do that!…

I guess she’s not completely plasticine after all! Anyhow, Jessica Brace Face mentions something about their four kids waiting to see daddy again, and wants him to get a lot of rest so they can have a weekend away when he gets back…

…where she will no doubt let him roam free amongst her orchard…

Amyrexia’s being honest with us that while Jessica looks cute, she knows the styling isn’t up to 100% of where she wanted it to be, and truthfully it is a little messy and confusing. On the other hand, it’ll prolly look exactly like that an hour after she gets started on her romantic weekend alone with her hubby, so this is kind of a preview of goodies to come.

Let’s see how ApRebel did with her young Sarah…

…That’ll separate the men from the boys!…

Sarah also sounds like she’s barely holding it together to be able to give her hubby a sweet come-home-soon message, but it sounds genuine and cute and heartfelt…

…plus it never hurts to give your man a serious amount of leg to fantasize about…

ApRebel says she knows the hairstyle isn’t as tight or polished or finished as she wanted it to be (I’ll say, it kinda looks like it just fell down on one side) but she believes it “translated”. I believe she did her best, though, and at least she didn’t give up on it.

Moving on to MattBian’s client Brianna…

…Now you’re cooking with gas!…

Miss Brianna is giving some serious booty, but she manages to stay classy while telling her Mister how proud she is of him, and how much she misses him and finishes with a supercute “I love you big as dinosaurs… mwah!” Awww, I’m gonna have to use that one on the BF one of these nights!…

…cuz I sure as hell don’t have the legs for this outfit…

The judges all think he definitely nailed the pin-up requirement. Gawd, if he wins again he’ll be the James-Fucking-Cameron of this goddamned show.

Time for Yawn TrannyLips’ lady who’s known as Tracy…

…She’s the bees knees!…

…although I kinda wish they hadn’t dressed her in a pot holder. Her presentation is a little bit dry, but I’m chalking that up to nerves and the fact that Yawn is standing 20 feet away staring at her with his weird face and preening over how awesome her hair looks. It is pretty smooth and finished, and definitely looks 40′s…

…in a very sex-on-the-kitchen-table sort of way…

Let’s move on to Brialien’s girl Lisa…

…There is nothing like a dame!…

Wow, she is giving some va-va-va-voom, and I’d say her husband is gonna be most anxious to get back home ASAP. Brialien knows it’s not his finest work, but he did follow through with the challenge, which is awesome considering how wacky things could have gotten…

…and that hair sets off her gorgeous gams…

Last in line tonight is Garofalo’s poor client Stephanie…

…whose life is clearly not a bowl of cherries…

The girl does the best she can, and Garofalo feels even worse when she hears Stephanie mention in her message that she can’t wait to see her husband so they can go on their honeymoon that they’ve waited two years for! Yup, you should feel ashamed Garofalo, cuz that style is a hot ass mess from some crazy telenovela in the 90′s…

…Steffy La Fea…

Looking at her own horrific work, Garofalo says “It looks like a five-minute up-do.” The judges have noticed as well, because the Ant Is calling it “messy” and Kim Chee doesn’t think it was age-appropriate. At least not for anyone under 60, or outside of a bingo hall. Garofalo is shooting teensy turds all over her vintage Laura Ingalls bloomers.

Back in the SG Chamber Of Doomâ„¢. the Ant is trying to appear intelligent by donning some fake glasses…

…and becoming his bitchy alter-ego, Yark Bent…

Starting with Amyrexia, Kim Chee starts off by pointing out that Jessica’s roots “ran like a cheap pair of pantyhose”. Amy tries to defend herself by pointing out that no one said anything about coloring being a part of the challenge, but to a colorist like Kim CheeChee that’s just wrong, there is no excuse for roots. The Ant says he only sees a “very slight attempt” at a finger wave, but it isn’t fully executed. Bobby Buttplug makes my mouth drop open in disbelief when he insists that “this kind of hairdressing is the core of being a great hairdresser… you have to know these things!” Meaning the ability to do 40′s-style pin-curls and finger-waves is crucial to modern hairstyling? I should ask the ladies at my salon how often they are called upon to do these kind of pile-up hairstyles. What a pile of crap, and a desperate attempt at relevancy. Blow it out your ass, Buttplug!

Moving along to BrigADiditrightforachange, the Ant loves her bangs and the barrel curls, and Kim Chee is entranced with the spun-gold quality of the blonde coloring she pulled off. Buttplug is intrigued by the triple-concept of the bang, the roll and the flip on the downside.

As for MattBian, Cameltoe says Brianna looked beautiful and played the part of the pin-up girl very well. However, the Ant says he was taken back by the use of the hair net, the finger wave is supposed to stand up on it’s own, this seems like kind of a CHEAT. Bobby Buttplug, on the other hand, thinks he just nailed it. I think he’d like to nail MattBian as well…

…with a mug like that I’m betting it’s been a while since he had anything to play with besides his butt plugs…

ApRebel goes on a really looooong explanation of Sarah’s style, realizing in mid-speech that it looks like a mess, and she starts saying how she wishes now she could go back in and have “another romp in the hay with that hair”. Cameltoe’s all “April, you had two hours!” LOL, Cameltoe! The Ant says if she can’t make a 40′s style happen in two hours in the salon, then she’s not going to make any money as a hairstylist for the rest of her life. Or she’ll have to start whoring herself out to reality TV shows instead of actually styling hair. ApRebel then launches herself at him and stabs him five or six hundred times….

…at least, in her mind she does…

Kim Chee says it looks like a big dredlock on the side, and that Sarah’s Army husband could have just as easily done this to her hair. Ahhh, but not with the same flair and stabby eyes!

As for Yawn TrannyLips, Kim Chee actually likes the shine of Tracy’s hair, he thinks it’s unique, even if the part is a bit fuzzy. Cameltoe bitches that the girl’s hairline is fuzzy as well, but honestly, that’s a petty bitch that only comes to light if you stick a camera right up to within two inches of her skull.

Here comes the trainwreck that belongs to Garofalo. She also gives an overly-detailed explanation and says it was “fun taking the hair from wet to dry” (I dunno what that means, I have that kind of fun every single day when I get out of the shower) and the Ant pipes up “It’s really fun when it works! That’s not pin-up sexy 1940′s hair!”

Lastly is our poor Brialien, who clearly had issues trying to wrestle Lisa’s bangs into submission. Kim Chee says it looks like an octopus hunting for prey that’s just kinda landed on top of her eyebrows. Cameltoe says he let them down since he had immunity, he could have really given them something great. Except this challenge wasn’t about native cultures so what did she expect? The Ant finishes him off with a very technical assessment, “Uh, to me, that hairstyle sucks.”…

…now Brialien’s the one having the stabby fantasies…

After final deliberations our Top Two tonight are MattBian (duh) and… BrigADominator!! And you can tell that MattBian thinks he has this thing in the bag… right up until the moment when Cameltoe says that Brig is the winner! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Both he and his sidekick Garofalo are sporting an ill-concealed moue of disgust. Things aren’t helped any when Garofalo joins Amyrexia and ApRebel in the Bottom Three.

Before we get to the Final Cut, here’s tonight’s Viewer Poll…

…4. Gertie at the SuperCuts down the way…

After scaring the bejesus out of Garofalo, she gets returned to safety, so it’s down to ApRebel and Amyrexia… and it’s Amyrexia who’s out tonight! She gives a very sweet exit speech and gets huggles from everybody as she leaves, and I feel a little sad for her because she just looks so damned tired…

…seriously, girl, go have a sammich and then take a nap…

Okay, so one last thing: Visiting Brig’s salon “p!ay”! Here is proof I was there…

…I’m in Simi Valley, bitchez!…

Yes, Miss BrigADoccio’s salon is in the corner of a strip mall, and it is chock full of bright primary colors. There is a lot of pop-art on the walls and the “p!ay” logo is everywhere (including painted onto some of the odd furniture). I was sorta glad and sorta disappointed that we had missed Miss Brig herself by about an hour, but the appointment I got for my friend Garilyn was actually outside of their normal business hours.

However, the stylist who did my friend’s hair (her name is Sam) was extremely sweet, and did a really thorough consultation with Garilyn. Plus, they offered us all refreshments and invited us to look around the salon at our leisure, which is where I discovered this little gem of a chandelier in their bathroom…

…this thing would so be at home in a gay bar’s bathroom…

All in all, her people were really kind to us, and I hope one day I will get to go back and meet Brig herself. She’ll probably stab me, but it might still be worth it just to get some good dish on what some of these other bitches were really like. If you’d like to see more photos of our visit, you can check them out here.

So what did you think of this episode? Are you loving how slowly unhinged ApRebel is becoming? Are the BFF combo of Garofalo and MattBian annoying you as much as they are me? Can you believe I didn’t get my ass immediately kicked at Brig’s hair salon? I’m sorry about the delays, and thanks for your patience, you guys are the best!

love, J-Mo