As if the humiliating (and really, it should also be rather humbling) experience of being the first “stylestant” axed from Season Two of Shear Genius wasn’t bad enough for Mr. Oshun (of the Motion Lotion Potion), I discovered his awesome exit interviews on BravoTV.com are filled with incredulity, incoherence, and a big side-order of incompetence…
“It’s not faaaaaaaaaaaair!”
…mix in a generous portion of self-delusion (he truly is Cleopatra, Queen of Denial) and you won’t believe some of the amazing and magical things he said about his being ousted first! See my (attempt) at transcription after the jump.“I do not deserve to lose, HELL no, I didn’t deserve to lose in no form, shape or fashion because, like I said, there were other stylists out their work was far off base than mine was, so, no, I didn’t deserve and I don’t know why I’m going home but I’m gonna deal with it.”
So, basically you’re saying that you didn’t deserve to be sent home, not because you were better, but because other stylists were much more suckier than you, huh? And you’re dealing with it by bitching about it…
“I know you are, but what am I?”
“I know you are, but what am I?”
“When, um, the judges made their, uhhh, final decision, I’m like, man, they gotta be crazy, man, I mean, if you look at overall looks, my look was fluent and, you know, but that’s what the judges want and that’s fine.”
Yes, Oshun, your look was certainly “fluent”… in the language of craptacular…
“Being the great stylist that I am, it’s just opinion of the judges. I just came in a season that they didn’t see what I saw. There was five other stylists that had immunity that I know they didn’t follow NONE of the criteria, their hair was garbage, so I’m like, what w-what was the judges thinkin’ about?”
I’m guessing they were thinking that you misunderstood the “criteria” was not to make that poor girl’s face look wider….
“Blah, blahdy, blah, the judges are all stupidy-doopity-heads!”
“The person I know that shoulda went home was Gail, Paulo and Meredith. If you look at their total work, I believe it was just not… has no symmetry, no… no movement, didn’t have any direction and it got, they got immunity, I just couldn’t understand it.”
Hmmmm, I don’t remember seeing a stylestant called GailPauloandMeredith…
“I was like, ‘Kim, are you blind?!? What do you mean unpolished?’, you didn’t see any flyaways, you’ve seen smoothness, you’ve seen variations of the hair, you’ve seen it move like figure-eights, I’m like ‘What do you mean undone and polished, you know?’ I put, man I laid that hair to the side… laid it, dyed it, fried it to the side, so I don’t know what he’s talking about, so what Kim was saying, it was just his opinion so it didn’t matter to me. It’s just life.”
Kim Vo may be a lot of things (I’m beginning to suspect he might be of an alien race of gay pixies, or gayxies, if you prefer, that flit around the world judging hairstyling reality TV shows) but he certainly seems to have full use of both his eyes (and those freakishly smooth lips)! And, as Daddy Tom Colicchio recently said to one of the ass-munch cheftestants on Top Chef Season 4 “Unfortunately, my opinion is the one that counts!”
“You all can just fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuudge off!”
“I didn’t think I was in the bottom six at all, really, tell you the truth, I was like ‘What the hell is going on, man?’ I’m like, I should be in… I should be having immunity SERIOUSLY, so I… I couldn’t really fathom that I was gonna be in the bottom six again!”
Fathom it, sweetie… you should be used to that, because fathoms are a part of OSHUNS!
“And I don’t think nobody in that whole room could’ve cut that hair no better than I could, being that she wanted that short and her hair was midriff to her back, so I’m like, hey, I’m cool, I can live with, I can hold my head up high, ‘cuz I’m telling you, I am the best. I’m at the top of my game, I’m not even worried, I am the best genius… SHEAR genius!”
Yes, and that’s how this show Best Genius works… they send the best stylestants home first!
“When I saw my client coming down the runway, I was like ‘Man, I had a hard challenge and I pulled it off!’, and she loved it, when she got in front of the judges she said the same thing, and see, the bottom line is what the client wants, what they like.”
That is hysterical, because when I saw your client coming down the runway, I was like “Man, she looks like a hot pile of steaming country dumpage!” and if the client wants to look like Mrs. Soon-To-Be-Divorced-Potato-Head, you should certainly put that dream within reach…
“I wish I could have picked a different model with different texture of hair and I probably should have did my model a little more simpler, you know, more.. more uhh,.. just more low-maintenance, not try to give her no flair, ‘cuz I think that people that did get immunity, they didn’t really put a lot of oomph in it, it was only just about color, and it wasn’t about the whole overall look of the hair, you know?”
Oh, so now it’s the model’s fault??!? Her absolute insistence on flairiness and oomphiness was what handicapped you? (Re: He wishes he didn’t get stuck with a big fat girl)
…This is the expression after some fantasy nut-punching on my part…
“I be like, cool, I’m in the bottom three, but I’m gonna have another time to really shine and, uh, quit playing around basically, because you know I felt my strategy was to, you know, fend people off, you know, let ‘em think I was the weakest link, and then just blow and just win all the rest of the challenges, but they caught me, you know, I… they caught me quick, so , hey, what can I say, I got nipped!”
Yup, you blew all right. And got nipped. And caught. And pwned.
“I didn’t learn anything from what the judges said because, like I said, I’m a professional! I’ve been doing this over 18 years, and I don’t think nothing they could have told me could have even swayed my judgment, my movements, the way I, uh, tackle my projects, cuz like I said, I done made it to the top, I’ve been nominated for a Emmy, I’ve got all kind of ackulades (seriously, he said the word as “ackulades” so I felt to be true to his intent I should spell it phonetically… J-Mo) so I mean really, it’s just opinion to me, it’s not nothing I’m gonna take to heart!”
Way to learn from the experience, there, Oshun… that’s why Kim Vo is a master colorist, and you’re working on “Passions” and lying about awards (unless… can anybody in L.A. confirm for me what in the name of Jeebus he’s talking about being nominated for an Emmy for a hairstyle?… I am stumped by this!)
“A Emmy! No, TWO Emmys!!! And ackulades!!!”
“The playing field wasn’t as, uhh, fair as I wanted it to be, you know I got the last uh, I got axe on the first challenge, you know I got the baaaad set of… I mean the hair was not in great shape, so you know, you can only do what you can do, I’m not a musician, you know, I don’t do magic, you know, I’m a hair stylist!”
Ahhh, I see, now it’s the poor hair’s fault… well, I imagine that most musicians do find it quite hard to do magic… (my big hairy belly still hurts from busting out laughing when I heard that clip the first time, I had to listen to it at least 73 more times before I began to tire of it… owie!)…
“Where I go from here, I go back to television, films and doing what I’ve been doing, letting my work go all over the world, so it’s not a big deal to me because I… I’m in the business, so, you know, a lot of them, they’re gonna have their first start, I’m in the business, I’m gonna do what I’m gonna do, my work is gonna shine, so it’s no love lost. I just wish I could’ve stayed on a little longer so America could see my beautiful personality, but it’s cool.”
Yes, America… see all the beautiful personality we’re going to be missing out on???
“What I’m going to take away from this experience was, don’t always be willing to push people… don’t be willing to push my creativity on other individuals, I must, sometimes I have to have a little more open, a open mind to different ventures, different, um, different tactics, you know, I’m so stubborn about my work, so I-I really tend to just stay in my own groove, my own movement, so basically I’m going to take that to heart, next time just be more attentive, listen a little more and look at what the picture and what the judges are looking for.”
Actually, that’s good advice… a glimmer of hope that he’s not going to be a complete anal fissure…
I want to tell America, do not let anyone deter you from what you believe, believe in you, believe in anything that you put together, create, mold, you believe in it, you stand by it, that’s what the Oshun did, I believed and I stood behind it, America YOU know, YOU log in and tell ‘em, I shouldn’t be off this show right now, it’s all other kind of work shoulda been off this show, man, they trippin’ … but it’s cool, but I can deal with it, I got thick skin, so I’m not even mad!
Oh yes. Yes you are, mad. And we’re going to miss that about you for the next 3…. 2…. 1…..