Shear Genius: Fake Hair, Real Enemies

Welcome back, friends! I’m so glad you’ve rejoined me, because I want to tell you about an Incident that happened to me this week. I was driving home from work, minding my own business, and lip-synching flawlessly to SWV’s “Right Here/Human Nature” as I zipped along through traffic. Eventually I noticed a car keeping pace with mine, and the guy inside was waving madly and smiling at me. I waved and smiled back and then exited the freeway. He followed me. I continued into my subdivision. He followed me. I started making random turns. He followed me. Eventually, almost completely freaked out of my fucking mind, I bypassed my house and pulled into the gas station in a crowded shopping center plaza where he followed me and pulled up in front of me to confess his undying love and ask me on a proper date proposition me for sex. I know, isn’t that bizarre? That kind of thing never happens to me! It’s too bad I was so unnerved by this guy’s rather John-Wayne-Gacy-esque approach (seriously, he followed me for five miles) or I might have had an even better story to tell. Still, I’m just about to knock the “F” out of forty, so in hindsight I guess I’m feeling pretty pleased about some random stranger wanting to assault my naked body. Anyhow, I bet you’re wondering how this story relates to tonight’s episode?…

…well, after tonight, nothing like that will ever happen for this asshole…

Yes, on tonight’s episode of Shear Genius we have a bunch of ostensibly straight guys who supposedly want a “longairr sayxiair loog” (in Cameltoese) and what they end up with looks like they all passed through some kind of doucheifiying machine. Fabulous. As if that wasn’t bad enough, there will also be more long-haired lads as they have to style for a fake Romance Novel photo shoot, and BrigAnnoying finally starts getting under peoples’ skin! Come with me for some other disturbing revelations after the jump!…

First thing I notice as the stylestants gather in the SG Nexxus salon is that Yawn TrannyLips has something scary going on with the bridge of his nose…

…Ill-placed beauty mark? Or runaway zit?…

I dunno, but either way, TrannyLips better get that thing checked out. Maybe by his tanning salon attendant. Anyhow, the second thing I notice is that BrigAMane has suddenly lost her bangs and sprouted several inches worth of unnaturally glowing hair-growth…

…Simi Valley must be where that faulty nuclear power plant was located in The China Syndrome…

OMG, I was wondering where those awful MayaMila bangs came from last episode! I am ashamed I didn’t pick up sooner on the fact that our BriggyLocks obviously brought a buttload of falls, pieces and full-on wigs with her! And all of them in that lovely shade of Failed-Drug-Test-Specimen Yellowâ„¢. Now she can have infinite combinations of fug.

So we join Cameltoe as she congratulates TrannyLips on his win last week and directs everyone to look at the Allure Not-Really-That-Famous Wall Of Fame…

…thankfully Trannylips doesn’t trot out his tired “I gave her a bang!” joke again…

Suddenly the camera zooms in on 80 and we hear the ominous sound (obviously added in post-production) of intestinal distress. Whatever, that’s how I sound every day about two hours after I eat my Apples’N'Activia lunch… it’s like farting on the inside, and it sounds funny. Particularly when a stuffy-looking bunch of bigwigs from Head Office take a tour of my building and wander by my cube. Anyhow, Cameltoe tries on a concerned look and asks 80 what’s wrong with him…

…besides, you know, the usual stuff…

…and he whines that he’s got “a bit ‘o’ food poisonin’”. Cameltoe wonders aloud if that’s going to affect his performance in the challenge. I’m gonna guess you can’t really fuck with this much suck, so things are likely to turn out the same as they would if he were feeling good. In any case, to her face 80 says he’s gonna be cool (for cats?) but privately interviews he doesn’t give a shit about the challenge cuz he’s feeling so awful. Hmmm, besides his pervasive B.O. I’m picking up on the distinctive scent of an easy-check-out. Let’s watch what happens.

Today’s guest judge is this guy…

…who also has terrible hair…

I guess the “C’untry Dyke” look is fashionable now? *sigh* I suppose I don’t know what else I expected from a guy whose last name deliberately rhymes with “Mavis”. Something cute and pleasing to the eye? Silly me. Anyhow Kenny is another stah of the HairWorldâ„¢ who has worked with J-Lo, Posh Spice and Lady Gaga. Wow, let’s look at that list: nobody notices anything about Jennifer Lopez except her ass, the most interesting thing about Victoria Beckham is David, and as for Lady Gaga…

…a hundred bucks says Kenny’s not taking credit for this…

Cameltoe also mentions Kennita’s expertise in using hair extensions and gives a plug for his product line, which is imaginatively called “Hairdo”. Ah well, I guess that’s better than calling it something more truthful, such as “Synthetic BarbieWeave”. In any case, Cameltoe is certain they’re all familiar with what to do when a client walks in and wants a head of longer, thicker, gorgeouser hair… they run for the BarbieWeave. Today is no different. Well, except for the clients…

…members of the Unnecessary Hair Club For Men (L.A. Chapter)…

This little twist is not sitting well with BrigADickulous, “I’m in my hell. I don’t do mens hair!” Aaaaaaand from the looks of it she doesn’t do all that hot with ladies hair, either. In any event, today’s ShortCut Challenge is for them to give these guys a makeover (and here’s where that “longairr sayxiair loog” part comes in). And yes, they have to use hair extensions in the new look…

…Yeesh. Nobody mentions whether or not they can use sandpaper or tile-caulking or paper bags…

Winner after 2 hours gets an undefined advantage in the Elimination Challenge and it’s time to pick scissor-boxes for their choosing-clients-order! Instead of winding up next-to-last, our MattBian actually scored box #1! On the other hand, poor Amyrexia wound up with box #9 this time, so she’s not really gonna have a choice…

…but she’s not the one wearing the Stupidest T-shirt Prior To Ed Hardyâ„¢ so I’d say she’s a bit of a winner regardless…

MattBian takes the curly-haired guy, while Brialien snags a guy who introduces himself as “Junior” and looks like he just finished repaying his Debt To Societyâ„¢. Even more frightening is 80, who mutters “I’m just gonna go for who looks cool!” and he picks…. the really craggy-faced old guy pictured above? Fuck that. Anybody else think 80 picked Methuselah there because he makes 80 feel better about his hideousness?

Anyhow, after everybody else is chosen, Amyrexia sees that she’s going to be working with a dickface named Mark. Mark seems angry already that he got picked last. I would venture a guess that his eat-shit-and-die expression might have had a hand in that, but clearly he doesn’t see it that way, being picked last by a group of chicks and fags (and a dirty Limey) is an assault on his manhood. As a result, he’s going to take it out on Amyrexia.

Everybody’s grabbing their boxes of Kennista’s “Hairdoodoo” and Amyrexia’s trying to keep Marky in the loop by explaining what she’s going to do with his hair and the extensions. That was nice of her. Marky repays her by getting all snotty about her hairstyling credentials…

…Amy, honey, now would be a good time to “accidentally” get some bleach in his eyes, then he won’t care if his hair falls out, right?…

She assures him she does, in fact, know what she’s doing, and tries to explain that all of them are talented by virtue of the fact that they’re even in this competition in the first place. Marky just yammers on over her and his tone is so nasty and condescending and downright rude that I can’t wait for this poor-man’s Ed Norton to see just what an asshole he looked like on TV. It’s going to be delicious! I don’t blame Amyrexia for admitting privately that she doesn’t like this piece of shit at all.

Meanwhile, BrigADunno is complimenting her client on his bold penis-style and tells us he doesn’t need extensions, he needs a haircut. From a stylist who wears fake hair. Anyhow, her big plan involves making him look like Mickey Rourke instead of the 7th Heaven Dad by giving him a haircut and then adding the extensions to elongate the front…

…That’s amazing. You’ve just described turning him into Kate Gosselin…

She is so gonna win this one. Over at Fatty-Ma’s station, she’s freaking out because she has no clue how to make her blonde curly-haired client look better with fake hair. He just cut off his long hair that he had been wearing in a pony-tail (which is a major step up I think, male-tails annoy me) and instead of trying to come up with something different, Fatty just decides to latch onto this and tack a new pony-tail on him. I don’t know why she doesn’t just go for pig tails, they would be just about as sexy.

MattBian, on the other hand, seems to be hell-bent on making his golden-ringleted client look even more like Christopher Atkins in The Blue Lagoon….

…I suspect somebody imagines themselves as Brooke Shiiieeeelllds…

Truthfully, he seems like he’s got a handle on this challenge and tells us so: “I don’t toot my own horn… but I’m rilly good at extensions!” That may be true, but I bet there’s a lot of late night own-horn-tooting going on over at Casa MattBian, too.

Guess who’s not very good at extensions? Why, it’s the same guy who sucks at color, our dirty little 80! He’s busily destroying his client’s peace-of-mind by telling him he didn’t even want to put any extensions in because he thinks they look really terrible on men. He kinda seems to be forgetting that this is why it’s called a “challenge”, and as such it’s up to him to make menztensions not look terrible. Dumbfuck. 80s’ poor ancient client is actually trying to give him confidence by begging him not to go into it with such a bad attitude, “Let’s make it look good!”, he pleads. Ohhhhh, that was the wrong thing to say Mr. Moses, cuz now 80 is fuming to us: “Oi’m seeck. Oi’m ill. The lahst thing Oi need is someone joodgin’ me as well!”…

…I suppose now would be a bad time for someone to remind him that this whole “competition” thing is being “joodged” also?…

Wah. Only one hour left! Kennita goes to check in with 80 and see how he’s doing, and 80 whines some more about how sick he is, saying he’s been “going down like a whore at the Vatican.” Hmm. Ok. Kennita kinda looks puzzled by this metaphor as well, but whatevs, we get it, 80′s not feewing well & doesn’t wike using menztensions. MattBian pops up in an interview to opine that most men (especially straight men) are big babies and that 80 is chronically guilty of making excuses anytime anything goes slightly wrong. He says 80 should just “buck up, dude!”…

…sadly, 80 actually overheard him and thought he said “Up chuck, dude!”…

I’m kidding, 80 doesn’t puke on MattBian. Yet. Kennita wanders over to ApRebel and her Silver Fox of a client (who’s currently sporting more foil than a trailer park TV antenna) so he can hear her brag about how this is what she does (“men”) and how she’s gonna be the one to beat in this challenge. I love her confidence, but I’m not getting any of her so-called Richard Gere out of this client. More like Richard Nixon.

NOW 80 is in the middle of adding some really clumpy looking extensions to the old man in his chair when suddenly he looks up at the camera, walks over to the wastebasket and lets loose with lunch. At first I was thinking what a wuss he was for not leaving the salon first, you can usually feel these kinds of events coming on…

…but then I got a better look at his client’s mug and now I understand why it came on so strong so fast…

Everybody else in the salon heard the Sound of English Yarkageâ„¢ and they’re all kinda glancing at each other nervously as 80 spits, gets pissed, grabs the wastebasket and shouts “Fuck this! No way!” while kicking open the salon door and storming out. His client is left sitting in his chair with half a Paul Revere ponytail attached. BrigADevious murmers to her client “That’s a one-way ticket from LAX to London!”

There are only 10 minutes left, and we’re granted a tantalizing glimpse of Amyrexia’s possible revenge on Mark The Asshole Client…

…Dear Saint Jaclyn Smith: Please let Amyrexia be saddling this jerk with a full-on achy-breaky Billy Ray Cyrus mullet. Gaymen. …

BrigAToon has made note of Amy’s styling as well, and smugly makes the Billy Ray connection. Wait until you see what she did to her client. Following Briggy’s lead, Fatty-Ma also turns bitchy again, snotting privately to us that as she looks around the room she notices that ApRebel is still cutting hair on her Budget Richard Gereâ„¢ while everyone else is blow-drying and finishing, and she concludes that this is a sign ApRebel’s not gonna make it. Fatty-Ma should really watch her mouth a little more. ApRebel looks like she tends to get a little stabby when things get dicey.

Time is up, and Cameltoe garbles that with 80 getting sick and not being able to finish the challenge, his “work” isn’t going to be joodged. I dunno about this, I almost always feel better after I blurk up whatever made me sick, you brush your teefs, swish some Scope and you go on your way. I think I agree with MattBian, 80 is a big, dirty, stubbly, tatted-up, half-bald pukeypussy who’s milking a little tummyache so he doesn’t have to complete a challenge that he doesn’t have the skills for.

Speaking of MattBian, his Christopher Atkins dude is up first…

…OK, I was wrong, he’s actually William Katt as The Greatest American Hero…

Kennita thinks MattBian did a great job of taking the guy from average and ordinary (and sad looking) to really hot with his “bigger, longer” hair! MattBian looks like he’s high on more than just life from all this praise. Big deal. I’m not so impressed that he recreated Leif Garrett.

Next up is Brialien and his client…

…who has graduated from looking a tad Hitler-y to far more Manson Family-esque…

This time Kennita’s less complimentary, saying that Junior here has an “amazing, strong face” and an “incredible nose” but with the bangs that Brialien’s given him, he’s looking “Peppermint Patty-ish”…

…word to tha Marcie…

Brialien must have been reading up on his Peanuts chapter of Human History, because he’s surprisingly aware that this is not considered a good look, as he ruefully interviews “Peppermint Patty’s not a compliment. Thanks, Ken.” Kennita says you’re welcome, Bri!

Let’s see how our little sweetie BrigADump was able to transform her penis-haired client…

…people who live in Little Nicky houses should not throw Billy Ray Cyrus stones…

She tries to fudge by claiming that while she knows she was supposed to make their hair longer and not shorter, she points out the awesome bangs she added. Kennita’s commends her for that, because she’s one of the few who put the menztensions on top, and BrigADick gets all happy for a moment. Right up until Kennita continues, “But it has a very, um, feminine edge to it.” and now she looks like someone punched her in the cooze. Fatty-Ma and Garofalo are openly laughing at her as she slinks back into line.

Moving along to Garofalo’s guy…

…who went from the 80′s to the 50′s in two short hours…

Right away Kennita calls her out on the fact that she could have achieved this same exact look without using menztensions, and that the sides of it look kinda emo-y, but the guy has enough charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent to pull it all off in spite of her fuckups. BrigADurable pops back up to giggle that Garofalo just “pulled off a Wayne Newton”! Danke schön.

Oh wow, if you thought Brialien and BrigADooDoo did poorly, check out Fatty-Ma’s tail-wreck…

…sorry bud, you were way hotter before she got ahold of you…

And lordy, Kennita’s not afraid to call it fug, saying it’s “disconnected” and that he wanted to “put a bow on the back of it and have him chop down a cherry tree”…

…Well, I guess for some people it’s all about the Washingtons…

Further embarrassing her is the fact that Kennita’s asking the client if he always wears his hair in a ponytail, or if he sometimes lets it down to fly free. Fatty-Ma looks absolutely stricken as the guy starts playing with it like he’s gonna undo it, and she says if he does he’s going to have “the worst mullet ever!” At the last second, though, he catches Fatty’s “pleezedon’tfuckingtouchthatthingori’llkillyou” look and says that he’d rather keep it tied in the pony tail. Whew! Neither Kennita nor Cameltoe are fooled, though, they know that thing looks both tacky and tacked on.

Well, maybe ApRebel did a better job. After all, she claims this kind of thing is right up her alley…

…if that alley leads to looking like Slade Smiley…

Ouch, who knew she had such exquisite skill to douchify a nice looking older gentleman? Kennita’s even harsher, saying it’s not an amazing application of the product and that he expected more from ApRebel, especially since it’s teetering between MacGyver and…

…Bea Arthur as “Maude”…

Slade MacMaude is a pretty good sport about his terrible menztensions and laughs along with everyone else, but ApRebel’s biting her lip in two and making plans in her head for a cutting session later in the evening. Well, that’s what happens when you insist on telling everyone that you’re an expert at something, girl! Especially if you’re just talking out of your ass.

Let’s move on to Yawn TrannyLips’ young client…

…and his uneasy merging of both Jon and Kate Gosselin into some kind of weird Kajonate creature…

Meh. And zzzzz. Kennita agrees with me, he thinks it’s “a bit safe” for what he was expecting from a sassbox like Yawn, but allows that it is one of the better transformations. TrannyLips has Kajonate do an emo bang-flip and then he smiles at Kennita as if to say “See? It worked!” He’s right. I’m annoyed.

Ahhhh, and here’s the one I’ve been waiting for, it’s our Amyrexia and her client Dickless Mark…

…who’s as ready for a Miami Vice revival as anyone…

Or maybe he could be the third Thompson Twin. Or an extra in a super-serious Glenn Frey video. Or he could be one of the guys in the Sears catalog I used to quickly flip past because he was too fugly to masturbate to. Take your pick. The best part about this whole thing is that Amyrexia…

…does not even look the teensiest bit sorry…

I’m telling you, I fully suspect that she lost this one on purpose because this guy was such a shitdick to her the entire time she was working on him. As for the awesome mullet she has perpetrated, Kennita diplomatically says it’s a case where it was wonderful that she just clipped the hair to him, “You know, extensions are an opportunity to try a look without the committment!” This whole time Markyfuckass is shaking his hair like it’s itchy and he wants to shave his entire head. Cameltoe shows a surprising amount of perceptiveness when she ventures “Joo no hoppy weetheet, hah?” His answer is laughable…

…funny, I’d say that’s where you’re right at home… bro. …

Okay, well, that’s enough from him, looks like Kennita’s ready to tell us that the first half of the Bottom Two tonight is Fatty-Ma, who clearly couldn’t care less…

…is this supposed to be some kind of I-cried-the-tear-that-turned-into-the-booger-that-I-flick-at-you-Kennita kind of bullshit?!?…

This bitch. You will notice her client standing there with his face crumpling as he realizes she doesn’t give a shit that she took his sexy, shredded it, stomped it into the ground, lit fire to the pieces, and then nuked them, and then teleported them into the far reaches of the 29th Dimension. I swear, between Fatty-Ma’s la-la-la-I-don’t-care attitude, and 80′s refusal to put effort into any challenge that doesn’t involve naked chicks, I can’t remember when I last saw a bunch of reality TV competitors who have so little desire to, you know, compete.

Oh well, let’s move on. The other Partner In Suckâ„¢ tonight is naturally Amyrexia, mostly due to lack of “customer satisfaction”. Jeez, she could have given that douchetwat Mark a massage, a face-lift, a dick extension and a blow-job, and he’d probably still have complained.

On a happier note, the top two tonight are Garofalo and MattBian…

…hag love…

…and the winner of the ShortCut Challenge is MattBian, because I guess the Greatest American Hero beats Wayne Newton in the sexy department. I’d kick ‘em both outta bed. Anyhow, Cameltoe says Matty wins “en etvehntejjhe inda nayx challinche”. I wish she’d win a voiceover artist.

Back at the Loft, everybody enters to find 80 naked, sick and passed out on his bed…

…and then everyone else got sick…

The next morning BrigADelusional is happy that 80 is still around because she says then she can beat him “fair and square”…

…by which I’m sure she means “irritate him to death”…

Anyhow, after BrigADaft tells him how happy she is to see him, she proclaims she’s going to beat him today, and saunters off while everyone else looks at each other like they wish they were on Top Chef instead. Garofalo interviews that BrigADink is clearly one of those awkward not-funny Napoleon Dynamite characters that you just wish would shut up, and tells her new gay bestie MattBian that she thinks ole Pee-Hair is “a few cans short of a six-pack”…

…says the chick in the leopard-print beret and suspenders…

Well, the chick may be loopy, but there’s nothing wrong with her hearing, especially when you talk shit just across the room from her. BrigADefiant comes striding back over and tells Garofalo “I love that you’re talking about me right now, ‘cuz it’s the first time this entire, like, couple of weeks that you’re not talking about yourself. It’s great, real refreshing.” and thus, with her can of Verbal Devastationâ„¢ fully opened, she stalks back to her mirror…

…could you people please let the wackjob get her face on before pushing all her buttons and making her fly directly at the camera?…

Garofalo just rolls her eyes and asks the rest of the room if BrigADiazepam has any meds she should be taking. Naturally BrigADeviant is super-happy that they’re trash-talking her, because the more they talk about her, the more she’s gonna want to watch them get eliminated, and the better she’s gonna do at the challenge today! Y’know, that might be a pretty foolproof plan for winning if it included, you know, some decent hairstyling in it.

Even better still is the fact that their challenge today is in some kind of horse-ranch, and there are several pairs of models standing next to Cameltoe. This is going to be the stylestants’ first cover shoot! Wow, a cover shoot for what? Elle? Vogue? Marie Claire? Hustler?…

…Nope. Nothing that tasteful. …

Yes, it’s Romance Novels! The only one who seems excited about this is Yawn TrannyLips, and he says it’s because he doesn’t read much…

…except for porn…

…and Black Market Plastic Surgery Weekly, which is like porn to him. Anyhow, the one non-disgusting thing he says is that it’s “cheeseball”, and he’s totally right. Once again, the Elimination Challenge is stupid beyond belief, much like these books…

…©2010 J-Mo’s Real Romance Titles…

Oh well, let’s slog through this crap. Cameltoe says in order to make it interesting they’ll be working in pairs. I don’t think that’s going to work as far as the interesting angle goes. Next she says MattBian’s ShortCut Advantage is that he gets to choose the pairs and the sets of models they’ll each be working with. OK, now that’s interesting…. -ish. Especially since there are only 9 of them left, which means someone gets to work solo, and create twice the fug.

80′s kinda hoping that’ll be him because he says he’s not the best team player. I bet he is when there’s drinking involved! Fatty-Ma (and her 1987 Natalie Cole wig) pops up to say that the only person she doesn’t want to be paired up with with BrigATool, and that Matty knows she will murder him if he does that to her…

…girl, you should just be glad they’re not judging you on self-styling…

I think only Jody Watley has the bone structure to pull off that much hair. Anyhow, MattBian decides to choose Garofalo as his partner, who immediately starts gushing that it’s clearly because he wants to work with her, rather than have to go up against her. Except Cameltoe says they’ll be judged individually so that kinda blows her bullshit theory.

The next pairings MattBian makes are Yawn TrannyLips and ApRebel, Brialien and Amyrexia, and Fatty-Ma…. with 80! Ooooh, this means BrigALone is the solo stylist for the day. After looking pissed for a moment, she pretends that she’s not upset about this and to show them all her awesomeness…

…she genuflects to Richard Nixon…

MattBian tells us he did this on purpose because he believes it will serve to isolate BrigADuh even more and send her “further down the rabbit hole”. I think these people are complete numbskulls for playing into her issues like this. Don’t ask me how I know this, but I guarantee you, all of that annoying shit she does is a total cry for attention from a misfit girl who has never gotten over the taunting she received as a teenager from the Cool Kidsâ„¢, she craves being the outcast because that way she doesn’t get hurt by admitting she really wants to belong and fit in. The more they talk shit about her and the more they make fun of her forced quirkiness (such as the skating thing, and her insane egotistical grandiosity, and her insisting on always dressing like a tacky birthday present) the happier she pretends to be. The fastest way to derail this chick and get her out of the competition would be to show her kindness and warmth. She’d freak out and jitter apart like a drunken drag queen in the daylight!

Oh well, Cameltoe says they each have 2 hours to work (BrigASolo gets an extra 15 minutes) and they’ll be judged not only on the hairstyling, but how well they work with the photographer during the shoot itself. And with that, everybody grabs their models and heads into a nearby barn where their stations are set up.

So over at Team Bi-Polar Oppositesâ„¢, Fatty-Ma immediately puts herself in danger by asking 80 what he thinks she should do with her female model. Why would she do that? Well, she says she doesn’t read romance novels and hopes he has some ideas about what they look like…

…because his skinny flat-assed falling-down jeans fairly scream “romantic master”…

Meanwhile, Team Fag Hag (MattBian & Garofalo) is just having a gay old time finishing each other’s sentences and guessing each other’s astrological signs and just generally pretending like they are psychic platonic soulmates and irritating everyone around them (including their models). At least Garofalo’s got a good idea to keep her male model away from “too much Fabio-ness” so she’s going to make him into a “pirate” which is pretty much exactly what Fabio looks like, so way to go, Garofalo!

Guess what happened to Team Skinny ETs? Brialien tripped over his curling iron and saw a red feather on the floor! And the title of their fake book is “Red Feather Devastation… Or Something!” (according to him) so now he wants to put a headband and this feather on his white guy and pretend he was raised by Native Americans as One Of Their Own…

…Dances With Wieners…

BoreLando Pita is there looking at Brialien like he’s caught fire and asks if he’s been smoking a peace pipe. Please! Brialien’s way too manic for that, I bet mescaline’s his thang. Amyrexia’s just rolling her eyes and having a sinking feeling. Much like Garofalo should be having when we get a good look at her Not-Fabio-Dude…

…good thing the Whitesnake auditions are only a few days from now…

Naturally, MattBian’s gushing how much he jusssthhththshshhththt lovesthhthhthhthh it and Garofalo’s convinced that everybody’s super jealous of their awesome vibe, and calls MattBian her “gusband” or gay husband (oh, ick!) and I think I just pulled an 80 except I didn’t have a wastebasket handy, so there goes my latest issue of Fag Hags Quarterly. I’m heaving again as she chirps “We are so Jack and Karennnnn!”…

…minus the wit and fashion sense and humor and likeability…

Oh, how surprising it is when BrigADoofus is running out of time and it turns out she spent the majority of her 135 minutes on her male model, and almost none on her female. “I might not be able to fake this one!” she moans. But… but I thought with everybody talking shit about her it was gonna make her do so much better? What happened to that plan?…

…it’s been replaced by spit and frantic bobby-pinning…

Since she’s the only one with time left, everyone is watching her frantically trying to curl and spray and tie and mold her chick’s hair, and it just looks a mess. Time’s up and she looks like she just dropped a couple of fresh BrigADoots into her Minnie Mouse panties.

First up to shoot is Team Fag Hag (I am NOT going to call them “Jack & Karen” nor will I ever even mention the word “gusband” ever again in any recap I write for the rest of my life) and their fake-book title is “Tangled In Romance”, but since they’re in the middle of a field of wildflowers it could just as easily be “Boogers On Kleenex”. Garofalo’s Not-Fabio Pirate looks completely ludicrous, and naturally they have the Busty Beauty in a subjugated position down close to his crotch…

…why not cut the crap and just call it “Fellatio In The Underbrush”?…

Cheesedickishness aside, MattBian and Garofalo are both working well with the photographer, helpfully asking for breaks to jump in and fix hair pieces, and off to the side we have Kennita, Kim-Chee, Cameltoe and The Ant looking on in approval at how in harmony they are with the models and the photographer. Since Bravo’s lame-ass website didn’t have the final shot, all I can give you is their studio crap…

…from Garofalo’s Captain Jack Swallow…

…to MattBian’s Wenchy-O (The Pump That Looks Like A Sneaker)…

…welcome to “Tangled In Romance: The One-Eyed Willy Meets Hairy Cleavage”…

Ouch. Rug burn. Anyhow, next up is Team Bi-Polar Oppositesâ„¢ and their shooting title is “The Heart Shaped Tempest”. 80′s made a giant side-braid on the guy and he thinks it looks really cool. Um, it’s also something that any third-grade girl knows how to do to her own hair. As far as working well with the photographer, well, 80 is kind of making an ass of himself by questioning whether or not the guy’s going to take shots from different angles and such. Since they just barely started, the photographer’s terse reply is “Yes, but we’re still working this one.”

Naturally, 80 complains to us (as if we gave a ratfuck) saying that he’s only got 15 minutes with a guy he’s never met, “No time to brief him, no time to show him how I wanted my hair shot to look! It was him going ‘This is how I’m setting it up, take it or leave it!’”…

…yeah, how dare this guy act like some kind of photographer or something?…

Meanwhile, Fatty-Ma’s standing around being useful…

…by working hard to fix her own steadily frizzfro-ing hair…

She hates the way her girl’s hair looks, and with good reason, because The Ant has gotten a gander at it and is busily whispering to Cameltoe…

…yeah, the whole food-inspired hair challenge was last week, Fatty…

Cameltoe says she’s “sad” about the girl’s curls. Don’t be sad, Camel, you’re still the prettiest one on this show. Except for Kim-Chee. Anyhow, here’s the close-ups…

…Last Of The Emo-kins…

…plus Princess Hooters…

…equals “The Heart Shaped Wind-Breakers”…

Fuck. Now I’m hungry for cinnamon rolls. I think I have a can of the Pillsbury kind in the fridge, be right back…

Naturally ApRebel and Yawn TrannyLips were lucky enough to land an S&M title like “Roped Into You” and their couple is about to start heaving and thrusting in the shade of a giant tree, and I know the guy is supposed to be gazing with manful lust at the girl’s body…

…but it’s not working here…

Maybe cuz that guy is way prettier than she is, which kinda sucks for her, but I kinda want to see him in that green gown of hers, I bet he could work it. In any case, ApRebel thinks his big hair is great and sexy and looks fine, she’s not really fucking with it much. TrannyLips, on the other hand, keeps dashing in and out of the shot every 10 seconds like his crystal-meth bump is finally kicking in, and he’s getting rather over-involved with the girl model, even going so far as to manually (and none-too-gently) adjust her head angle. With his hands….

…this is taking Cameltoe to a very dark place…

Of course TrannyLips doesn’t see it that way, he thinks that shoving your model’s chin rudely from side to side and possibly cracking her neck vertebrae (or separating her skull from her spine) is standard behavior on photo shoots. Which reminds me: isn’t it the photographer’s job to direct the models in their head angles? I’m just curious, cuz these hair people seem like they’re way inflating their roles here. Nevertheless, they do make a fairly pretty couple…

…this is Ennis Del Mar in the 80′s…

…and this is Jack Twist in the 90′s…

…and this is the two of them going to Gay Prom in the 00′s…

Anybody curious how Brialien and Amyrexia are going to do on their “Red Feather Reservations”? Me, neither, but we’ll go take a look to be nice. And what kind of title is that? It sounds like a Motel 6 commercial, only less culturally sensitive. Oh well, at least they have a pretty pony in the shot. Both Amyrexia and Brialien think their models look really great, and as far as their working with the photographer, welllllll…

For starters, Brialien’s yapping out crazy shit at the girl model, “What’s your inspiration? You haven’t seen your man in a looong time. He’s ill. This may be the last time that you have with him!”…

…and he’s not “ill”, he’s been shot, stupid, and now is not the time to be feeling him up!…

Kennita clocks him to the other Judges, noticing Brialien’s spending way more time spinning his stupid story of inspiration than worrying about or fixing the model’s hair. Brialien’s clueless as always, as he excitedly tells us “They’re gonna have sex!”. Not unless they do it doggie-style, that arrow would be in the way. The Ant murmurs that the horse’s hair looks better than both of the models’, but I bet his favorite play is Equus, so that may not be fully objective on his part. Nevertheless, FAIL…

…If I was (full-blooded) Native American i would have prolly shot this poser, too. Only I’d have used bullets and a gun…

…and speaking of gunshells, holy D-cups, Ella Mae!…

…so it’s basically The Titanic Titwillow and her boyfriend, The Half-Dead Bedhead…

Last, but certainly not least (annoying) is everybody’s favorite Gal Pal, BrigADoobie, who’s feeling really nervous on the set of her shoot “The Spiral Of My Emotion”. It probably doesn’t help her much that The Ant’s murmuring amongst the judges…

…and that’s whose hair she spent the most time on?…

Miss UrineTresses knows she’s in deep shit, too, because she admits her girl model’s hair is “nowhere close to where it needs to be” and she’s afraid that she can’t get all those jarring little hairpieces she stuck in the top of the girl’s hair to blend….

…wow, for once the Real Housewives Of New York City are actually proving themselves useful…

But then, somehow, she pulls it off, and the judges are happy with what they see…

…”The Downward Spiral”…

She knows everyone wants to see her fail, but she’s still determined to fight and annoy and irritate and mindfuck them all if it’s the laaaaast thiiiiiing sheeeeee dooooooooes!

…Romantic Trent Reznor…

…coupled with a Blonde Bed Skirt…

…leaves Nine Inch Fails…

Crap, I’m running out of room here, so let’s go right to the Judging. MattBian and Garofalo get high marks because their coloring was good, the use of extensions was well-integrated and they worked well with the camera dude.

Amyrexia and Brialien, on the other hand, get totally cornholed, The Ant thinks Amy’s haircoloring is lifeless and uninteresting, and Brialien’s precious red feather (that karma dropped in his lap) wound up out of the shot because it was on the other side of the guy’s head. Not too swift there, Bri.

BrigADiscourse makes a 12-minute explanation of how haaaard it was to work on twooooo people, but it boils down to the fact that she took credit for a happy accident (the lighter extensions she used on her girl actually wound up setting off her skin tone in a pleasing way… don’t get it twisted, that shit was not deliberate, even though she tries to make it sound like it was).

TrannyLips and ApRebel get smacked around somewhat because her dude had feathered Farrah-hair, and Cameltoe repeats that he was “roff” on the girl model, but overall they liked her look.

As for Fatty-Ma and 80, well, 80 insists that that mess he made was “like a veil, disconnected fringe, it’s layered very technically” and finally that it was “an amazing haircut”! The Ant’s not buying it, he says it just looks messy and unfinished (I agree). Then 80 blames the angle of the picture for not showcasing the “focal point” of his haircut, to which Ant replies that haircutting has nothing to do with styling a model in a photo shoot, to which 80 screams “Fuck that picture!” Cameltoe gets in his face and says it’s just part of the business, and he spits back “Part of the business to pick a really bad picture??!?” Oooooh, no he DI-ent! Camel tells him to “slow down yoo horses an leesen whad Ai havv too saiy” and she reminds him that as a hairstylist (or model) they don’t get to choose the picture…

…THAT’S THE FUCKING PHOTOGRAPHER’S JOB, ASSHAT!…

This guy is such a dickbag, it’s never his fault that he sucks. Speaking of sucking, Fatty-Ma’s being questioned why her girl looks more Roman than Mohican, and she tries to claim that she had “no point of reference” for a Native American hairstyle, which makes The Ant scream out “NO excuse!”. Yes, because 80 used them all already.

After deliberation the top stylists are BrigADumbfounded (huhwhaaaaa?), MattBian and Garofalo… and the winner is MattBian! Zzzzzzzz. Gee, could it be any more obvious that he, Garofalo and TrannyLips are the frontrunners? He gets the first pick of models in the next ShortCut Challenge. Here’s the viewer poll…

…3. Selling pot. …

The Bottom Team tonight is naturally 80 and Fatty-Ma, and after drawing it out another five minutes, Cameltoe calls out 80… to stay! What. The. Fuck. Fatty-Ma’s the one going home, and you can tell on the faces of the other stylestants they don’t believe it either. 80 doesn’t even bother to hide his smirk as he heads back to the safe side of the salon. Tool. I hope next week’s challenge involves styling hair on a gay porn shoot.

So there we are! What did you think of this episode? Is BrigADork tickling you, or are you just finding yourself wishing she’d shut up? Was TrannyLips way too hard in his handling of his model? Should 80 have the shit kicked out of him for being such an asshole all the time? And when, oh, when are they going to have a decent Elimination Challenge??!?

Thanks for your patience and please feel free to opine at length below!

love, J-Mo