Shear Genius: Finale – A ‘Do And A Don’t Together!

Heer we aaaa! I can’t believe that 10 weeks (and most of the summer) has flown by so damn fast! It seems like only yesterday we were being bullshitted by Motion Lotion Oshun, annoyed by Parker Poser the Prick, gay-baited by Straight Guy Matthew, entertained by Drag Queen Meredith, saddened by Emo Gail, prozac’ed by Female Glenn, blamed by Exotic Nekisa, eye-rolled by Ãœber-Gay Paulo and backteased by Dallas Daniel. *sigh* It all just went by way too quickly…

…are you hearing OMD’s “If You Leave”???… I am… *snif*…

…I will cure my sadness on the occasion of recapping our final episode of Season 2 of Shear Genius by snarfing down an entire Domino’s pizza, a bag of pork rinds, a 2-liter of Diet Dr. Pepper (to offset the pizza and pork rinds) and a Sara Lee Pound Cake. And some Skittles. Plus maybe some Easy Cheeseâ„¢ directly from the can. Whatever it takes to keep my strength up. Oh, and a buttload of TUMS. Let’s get it ‘tarded after the jump…We started with 12 stylestants from all over the nation… One by one, they were picked off like scabs from a heroin-addict’s inner arm (some of them slightly less attractive than that)… now only three remain to battle it out over who will win $100,000.00 in NexxusMoney, an apprenticeship (read: slave intern) with Nexxus, the opportunity to style hair on an Allure photo shoot (whee) and the mostly figurative and punnilingual title of SHEAR GENIUS!!! One of these three will be crowned… er, chosen… um, awarded?

…the Last Bitches Standing…

There has been so much that had brought us here… blindfolds, cartoon characters, hippies, housewives, scrunchies, evening gowns, musical chairs, surfer dudes, wigs, rainbows, angels, squids, dogs, children, siblings, mommies, twins and the Four Seasons (minus Frankie Valli)… and tonight, there’s no more edging, we’re headed right for the full climax…

…but let’s not be premature…

For the last time, the Top Three Bitches make their way into the Shear Genius Nexxus Salon and meet up with a beaming Jaclyn Smith and a super-smiley René Fris. Lady J reminds them that they have beat out 9 other talented (well, mostly talented) stylestants to get to this point and everybody does the happy dance. Lesbiana Dee is crying a little at how amazing it is to be there. Aww, Dee, don’t cry… I have a harder time making fun of you when you act so human! (Notice I don’t say I’ll stop, I just said it’s harder, I’m still gonna talk shit to ya, Miss Butchy McLazyEye!) Bitchy Charlie says both Underdog Nicole and Lesbiana Dee have beaten him in competition before, so he’s taking no chances, and “not shooting blanks”. But first things first… Jaclyn has to congratulate Charlie again for having his styling up on the Allure Wall-O-Rama…

…let’s hope they can afford a better quality Wall next season…oh yeah, and spell “AVANT GARDE” correctly…

Charlie gay-claps and makes the cutest face (like a special-ed kid who’s just been told it’s Cookie-Time!)….

…if you’re catching the cross-eye, then you’ve spent too much time round the Lesbiana…

Spunky Underdog Nicole interviews that she’s ready to take both Bitchy Charlie and Lesbiana Dee all the way down! Rrraaaoowwrr! You go Underdog Nicole!

René garbles “Styless, eeth of yoo weel be gedding wan-on-wan advaise todaiy fwrom Leenda Wailss… ass yoo knaowe, ssee issa faoundeeng Eiditair-En-Cheeif ov Allooowa maggaseen!” Jaclyn advises them to really listen to Linda and keep her advice in mind. Thanks Jacci, I think they really were in danger of just plain ignoring Linda Wells’ silly little major-fashion editor-in-chief advice until you said something. Have you noticed the darkened wet patch slowly growing on each of their crotches? Jeez, the writers are really scraping the bottom of the barrell for show-filler, which is sad with this being the finale and all.

Anyhow, Underdog Nicole gets to go first. Linda Wells actually seems like a pretty nice lady (unlike that fuckstain Michael Grecco from last week) and in looking back over Nicole’s work on the show she compliments U.N. on her precision cutting skills. Nicole says that bobs are her favorite style because they have to be perfect and she’s a perfectionist. When Linda presses her for what her weakness might be, Nicole self-appraises for a moment and candidly admits that styling hair is not her strong suit. They flash to two of her fuggest moments…

…Sheena the Patchouli Jungle Huntress and the I-Smell-Catshit Lady are back!…

Linda says she doesn’t want to torture Underdog Nicole with these photos any further (I think she likes torture just a little bit, though) and advises Nicole she needs to start paying attention to hairstyles in magazines (such as, oh, I don’t know…. Allure, maybe??) and trying to duplicate them, and that she also needs to become more comfortable working with extensions because, as Linda puts it (without a trace of irony): “Extensions are a big part of hair right now!” True dat! And Nicole is dismissed…

…next to come skipping in is Bitchy Charlie. When Linda asks him what his greatest strengths are, he answers “High fashion…. and polished things…” and for weaknesses he mentions losing focus when he’s not interested in the challenge and bluntly admits he may have a bit of a giant chip on his shoulder. This brutal honesty makes Linda widen her eyes a little and say “At least you have insight….”

…the first signs of botoxerexia…

…and goes on to say that Charlie will have to recognize that he can’t be the “grand diva” of every shoot, and brings up the dog-styling challenge (we flash back to Miz Matronly’N'Crazy from a couple of weeks ago) which makes Bitchy Charlie break out in gay eye-rolls. Linda basically tells him he needs to step back a bit and learn how to take some direction without worrying about his ego. Hmmmmm, this doesn’t sound like mega-ultra-super-helpful “advice”, at least not on the level of actual hair-styling goes. Linda seems to be giving Bitchy Charlie the kind of gentle rebuke that people are forced to give when witnesses others are around. Trust, if it had just been the two of them in there with no cameras or production staff, I think there would have been another pair of bloody undies to add to Charlie’s collection.

Last up is Lesbiana Dee. Right away Linda tells her she needs to learn how to have a great variety of work, and wants to know if she feels that she has that range? Kinda sidestepping the question, Dee says her strong points are cut and color, but admits that she is not so good at updo hairstyling… yeah, I’d say so based on her remarkably similar body of work…

…Dée-jà Vu…over and over and over again…

When Linda asks Dee what she feels her “signature look” is, we get a lot more of the same old blather about “edginess” and “funky colors” (I’m surprised she didn’t throw in “sexy” and “rocker-chick” and “vaginal” as well, just for fun) and Linda tells her she needs to be careful not to overdo it on the longer-in-front-looks. And that’s it. Wow, Linda sure was a veritable Oshun of Knowledge, wasn’t she? That was five minutes I could have spent inhaling that box of Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls my boyfriend tried to hide from me by cleverly putting them in the last place I’d ever look (with the tools). Basically she could have just said “Get better.” and it would have only taken about 4 seconds to interview each of them, and we’d have been spared those lousy color-drained flashback clips.

Oh well, no matter… we’re back with René Fris, who looks super-serious (like he just found out Queer Eye got cancelled) as he darkly intones “Styless, I hobe yoo meeding wain wail wi Leenda an yoo god somm vairey goodavaize fwom her… so naow, time fo da final challenche…”

…*sigh*… I’m gonna miss you, too, SexyDaneRené!…

“Aaa yoo eggsidett?” René asks with a lusty twinkle in his eye, “Goot. Yoo reelly gowin to neet to usse yoo imatchinaychin fo thiss wan… Tomowwow eeth off yoo must tella stowwy ov wan womann throo her haiyr… Yoo will tella stowwy of her laiyfe throo her diffren haiyrstyless thad she maight wear ad agess 18, 30, 45 and 60!” Wow. That’s a lot of work. This Elimination Challenge (called “Through The Years”, which reminds me of an incredibly sappy song by Kenny Rogers that I hate) is gonna be a bitchybitchbitch! They have to cut, color and style the hair of all four clients… within three hours! Yup, it’s like throwing four Short-Cut Challenges at them at the same time, with only 45 minutes for each client. The darkened wet patches over the stylestants’ crotches spread further and take on the acidic tang of abject fear. Charlie has this to say…

…he offers René a toothy BJ (René is kinky like that) but no dice…

René wastes no time in having them choose their final “seeezabawx” so they can all gain a little inspiration for the challenge. Inside each one is a severed ear. Kidding, each one has a lock of hair… Bitchy Charlie gets blonde, Lesbiana Dee gets red and Underdog Nicole gets brunette. They all love what they’ve been assigned, and truth be told, I think each got their perfect shade. They’re ready to get started… but René says they have to wait until tomorrow to meet their clients and select wardrobe… and dismisses them with the admonition they better bring all they’ve got the next day!

One last time at Casa De Malo Pelo… which feels like a house with almost all the children gone (except for the last three bitchiest and loudest kids who all have A.D.D. and never shut up)… Lesbiana Dee is smashing her portfolio into the kitchen island and screaming “Final THREE!” over and over again….

…Jeez, somebody get her a malt-liquor…

Underdog Nicole is grateful to have overnight to think about how she wants to go about finding her inspiration, and they show all three stylestants sitting down and studiously writing out their Chick-Flick Lifetime Stories Of Loveâ„¢ Bitchy Charlie says that he’s been at this for 20 years and has worked very hard to carve out an identity for himself in the industry, “I love my job and it’s great, but… I need to be a little bit more famous… I want everybody to know who I am!” Trust, girlfriend, they’re gonna know, whether they like it or not. On a side-note, it appears that Charlie is sketching Tabatha’s hairstyle like he did when she was on the show earlier this season…

…remember this?…

Surprisingly, Lesbiana Dee says her story is about a young girl who is a sexy edgy rocker chick (shocking) and that she can see her in her head (I wonder if she looks like, oh, I don’t know… Nekisa?!?). Dee says it’s so close she can feel it, she can taste it. She forgot to mention that she can smell it, cuz I sure can, and I’m not even there with her in the interview, but girl, I think we need to have one of those “Do you ever feel, well, not so fresh?” conversations and get you some coochie spray, cuz your pheromones are workin’ some overtime, honey!

The Final Three are all sitting in the mostly empty living room and talking about what the prize money means to them. Lesbiana Dee says that much money would be amazing because she grew up in poverty with her single mom T’Lar (being a Vulcan High Priestess does not pay very well) and that if she were to win she would use the money to move her mom closer to her. Awww, I love a sweet mom story (Christina Crawford’s is one of my favorites) and Dee continues to fuck with my head by abandoning her Angry Man-Hating Lesbian Personaâ„¢ again. Tricky tricky, Dee… you just might swing me around yet!

…AND if you get rid of the trendy skunky fauxhawk we could totally be friends…

Underdog Nicole says she doesn’t have a lot of money even now. Could it be that living in New York City has anything at all to do with that? (I know I couldn’t even afford to be homeless there, people’s cardboard boxes have designer labels fa Chrissake!) Nikki is just starting out and says she’d probably save and invest most of the money. She also brings up the fact that her parents have sacrificed a lot for her, and that she was a horrible student in school, so she might take them on a cruise to make it up to them. God, Nicole, keep shit like that quiet, willya? I was a horrible student, too, and If my mom catches wind that there are cruises to be had as guilt-gifts for slacking off during high school then I will never hear the fucking end of it! (My mom loooooooves the cruises, and curiously enough, she has never once invited me along on one of them, so I’m going to cherish all my hard-earned C’s, D’s and F’s all that much more, so there!)

…thanks for further poisoning my parental relationships, Nicole, I ‘preshate ya!…

Bitchy Charlie says he would use the money to pay off what bills he has… and give his boyfriend the rhinoplasty that he really wants. Aww, Charlie, that is so sweet! I wish my boyfriend would go on national TV and tell everybody how much I need plastic surgery! Nothing says ‘love’ like a trip to the face-chopper’s office for a big juicy slice of pain, swelling and Vicodin scripts. Actually, I probably really could use a nose-job as I have a small immigrant family living in one of my cavernous nostrils… is it too late for me to be your boyfriend as well, Charlie? It is? Damn!

…I’m just pickin’ on ya, Charlie!…

Charlie goes on to say that it feels so good to be in the Final Three that he wants to get drunk and buy designer clothes. Girl, I can think of a helluva lot more fun and sexy things to do when you’re drunk… like puking on your shoes and waking up from a blackout with your undies shoved up your butt-crack and a suspiciously stained note that says “Thanks for the ‘Tina bump and the toothy BJ… God bless, Ted Haggard xoxo”.

Anyhow, it’s back to the Salon one last time with René Fris, who finally lets the stylestants meet their clients… four redheads, four blondes and four brunettes all come strolling out. I’m assuming they chose one of each approximate age (although wouldn’t that have been a challenge to have to give the 18 year-old’s cut to the 45-year old, and the 60-year old’s cut to the 30-year old… and vice-versa?) and they all just look like regular everyday women who have foolishly agreed to be killed slowly by hair-torture.

…12 Angry Bitches who thought they were going to get to meet Tim Gunn and Heidi Klum…

But before they get started René wants to hear the story that they’re each going to be telling! Lesbiana Dee goes first and says her story is about a young 18-year-old girl who is a natural redhead, has a passion for music and is totally confused about her sexuality. She meets a short little mannish latina hair-stylist and they fall in love and get married. The end. Okay, maybe not. *sigh* The real story is way more boring. Blah blah blah, the girl moves to New York, and it takes her until she’s 30 to get her big break when she finally produces her first CD called “I Had To Screw 12 Years Worth Of The Record Industry’s Dirtiest Old Men To Bring You This CD So You Better Buy It Or I’ll Kill Myself”. Everybody sing! She goes on to say that by age 45, her lady is twice divorced with three grown-ass children (the redheaded 45-year old looks kinda pissed off at this) and by age 60 she’s got grandchildren but hates to be called “grandma” so everyone calls her “Mama Red”, and she never gets old cuz her spirit’s still young… that’s because she’s stealing the life force from all her grandkids through vampirism. Okay, she didn’t say that last part, but jeez, see how much more interesting her story could have been?…

…and then, when she’s 70, she becomes a porn star called “Gang Bang GrannyBooty”…

Bitchy Charlie’s story is a little better, he says his girl is a child star who, at age 18, is dying to prove herself as a serious actress (following in the footsteps of Scary Kate And Gashley Olsen) and that by the time she’s 30 she has won her first Oscar (but I’m guessing the Olsen Twins might have to wait until they’re 45 or 50 before that ever happens). When Charlie-Girl turns 45 she appears in a “Hitchcockian suspense film” and at age 60 decides to direct her first film, a documentary called “Bob Saget And Dave Coulier Still Aren’t Funny (Volume 3)”. Kudos to you, Charlie!

Last up is Underdog Nicole, who starts off with “Well, my woman doesn’t want to be a rock star or a movie star…” (bitchy sidelong glance) I’m hoping this means she wants to be a porn star, but nope, Nicole’s girl is “just your average woman who grew up with not a lot of money…” OH, and became a big name in the porn industry? No, but she was a cheerleader and “it” girl. Zzzzzz. Then, by the time she turned 30 she discovered she still didn’t have enough money to go to college (shoulda worked in porn, you coulda had a fuckin’ Harvard Diploma by now, stupid!) so she decides to start a family (because kids aren’t at all expensive like college is) with the “man of her dreams”. They move into a rusty trailer and start banging away, night and day. Or maybe not. Then, miraculously, by the time she’s 45 they have made a lot more money and have become successful (because she turned to working in MILF porn) and by the time she’s 60 she’s staring at her fridge like Ellen Burstyn in “Requiem For A Dream” and feeling super-proud of herself while trying to ignore all the voices in her head. Okay, that’s not what she said, but dammit, can’t a 60 year old woman do anything else besides be proud of having bred children? My mom is kinda proud of having had kids (when we’re not screwing up, cuz then she doesn’t know us) but she’s more proud of the fact that she rides a motorcycle and is a sexy librarian.

Where was I? Oh yeah, René loved their stories (René also loves lütefïsk, so you can’t really take him seriously) and tells the stylestants they will be given the choice of several wardrobe styles to dress their clients in. And so begins the last challenge…

Underdog Nicole starts off by guessing which client is which age. This could have been quite lethal if she had gotten any of them wrong. She picks out a fug dress for her 18 year old, whom she calls “Little Miss Perfect, everybody wants to be you!”…

…not unless they want to be you as a guest on “What Not To Wear”, girl…

Our girl Nikki says she’s feeling “clouded” right now, she has soooo many ideas running through her head that she barely knows where to begin. Well, maybe start by not picking the ugliest dresses off that wardrobe rack for your hapless victims to wear (she chooses a boring black number for her 30-year-old and another salt-n-pepa print for her 45-year-old). The 60 year old gets the super sexy shit-brown shapeless shift dress and looks wistfully at the slightly-less-hideous clothes her younger team-mates get to wear. Way to make her feel closer to 80, Nicole!

…perhaps Nicole is going for the “Old Proletariat Woman” look with that brown blob-frock…

Now it’s Bitchy Charlie’s turn to outfit his Blonde Band’O'Babes… he gives the 18-year-old a glittery silver drag-queen gown (yet simple and understated), the 30-year-old gets a white tux shirt and cummerbund (interesting), the 45 year old is given a severe black suit (very film noir, all she needs now is a loooong cigarette holder, a la Miss Scarlet) while the 60 year old gets a sensible gray power-suit. Charlie gives them all a hug up front and apologize in advance for any dirty filthy names he may call them before the day is out. Okay he didn’t say that but he did mention “It’s only the most important day of my life, so no pressure!” LOL, I bet that put them all at ease….

…it’s alllllll huggles and love now, but wait until the blaming and bitter recriminations start…

Which brings us to Lesbiana Dee picking out clothes. For girls. She chooses a boring black number for her 18-year-old (I would have thought she would have gone for a more Avril Lavigne look instead of Hillary Clinton At A Funeral) and a hideous pink ruffled-top concoction for her 30-year-old (who is supposed to be hip and on top of the charts… eh, maybe it’s on the Christian charts where Laura Ashley apparell still makes frequent appearances, I guess). The 45-year-old gets to slut it up in a black trench coat (“no fair!” says the eyes of the 30-year-old) while the 60-year-old (who is scary and I’m going to call her Gramma Cackles) is put in a black power-suit with shoulder pads, because she’s a high-powered “music producer”… circa 1987…

…”…and your little dog, too!”…

LesbiDee says her game plan is to “work fast”. Duh. Her biggest problem isn’t time, it’s having clients who are scissor-phobic. She’s talking to her 30-year-old about what she wants to do, and the woman whines about wanting to keep the length. Where do they get these people? Doesn’t it mention anywhere in the casting notice that you’re gonna be on a hairstyling reality show, and that at some point you might have to get your hair cut? For the 45-year-old Dee mentions bringing the length up to around her shoulders… this is the reaction she gets…

…or maybe Miss Thing is afraid because she still thinks lesbianism is contagious…

Not another one! Poor Lesbiana Dee, you’ve got the wussiest clients so far. She is totally getting pissed and shitting thumbtacks at the same time. Well, you did tell the woman that she was a twice-divorced bitter mother of three, and perhaps this is her little way of saying “thanks” for that, hm?

Well, we’re back in the salon and René goes ahead and gives them their three hours and tells them to “GO SHAYGEDD!!!” (last time this season, thank GAWD) Pandemonium erupts as the three Dervishes are whizzing about the salon, mixing colors, making game plans and stylin’ hair for JAYzus! *snap* *head-roll*

Underdog Nicole is also running into some resistance with one of her clients not wanting a lot of length cut off. She takes a very crafty approach and says to her client “Do you want me to be honest?” The client’s eyes widen and she nods mutely. “I feel like your length is making you look olde-…” and before Nicole has even finished speaking the second syllable of “der” the woman agrees to let Nicole cut it to any length she wants, including completely off. Ah HA, so that’s the secret to getting women (and gay men) to do what you want!! I should try that at work next week, I could march right in to my bosses’ office and say “You know, me making so much less money than you is making you look older…”

I love how while the stylestants are all spinning around like electrons, the clients all sit there looking bored out of their minds, like this is the least exciting thing they’ve ever seen….

…”When do we get lunch?”…

Maybe they’re still pissed about the bait-and-switch tactics that were used to get them there in the first place and they’re holding out for Tom Colicchio and Padma Lakshmi to appear and liven things up.

René Fris is coming around again to stir shit up and he zeroes in on Lesbiana Dee. They have a fun exchange that goes like this:

RF: “Dee, mai girl!”
LD: “Yes… (working like mad) yes yes yes…”
RF: “Wee aaa deailing witha lodda redheads heair!”
LD: “Yes, I am!”
RF: “An yoo aaa meggin thaim mowah redd!”
LD: “Yes!”
RF: “ORanche!”
LD: “Yes!”
RF: “On fiyah!”
LD: “Yes!”
RF: “We haff fowah cliends on fiyah!”
LD: “Yes!”
RF: “Tell me!”
LD: “Well I’m going to punch you in the penis if you don’t get out of my fucking workspace!”
RF: “Ogay!”

Okay, she doesn’t dick-jab him, but instead tells him that the colors are going to tie in because they all have different textures, and she points to Granny Cackles’ Bozo Mop as an example…

…”Mirrah, mirrah, owon the woall, ya betta say what I wuanna heah if ya know what’s good f’ya!”…

René starts to cry like a little girl and runs away. Lesbiana Dee takes this opportunity to wheedle and whine at her client some more about letting her take more length off. Awww, the stick-in-the-mud-lady finally relented, so Dee gets to take a full two inches off! Yay for Dee! And whining! (Shoulda told her that her length made her ass look old, honey, you’d have had those two inches half an hour ago!)

Moving on to Bitchy Charlie, he’s cutting the crap out of his 60 year old’s hair, the back of her head looks about like mine, but he insists to René that the upper lengths are going to come down and cover it all up so you won’t see that. I’m dubious about this, I’m afraid she’s going to look like all the rest of the helmet-heads out in Sun City Retirement Community (they all seem to get the same bubble-tastic bulletproof Q-Tip hairstyling, I don’t get it) but we’ll have to wait and see. René asks if Charlie is going to do any up-do’s and he points to two of his models and says that one is going to get a French Twist and the other a 40′s up-do. Okay, girl, I guess we gotta trust you know what you’re doing.

Of course, Underdog Nicole takes this opportunity to mutter bitchily to her client “Shocker! Charlie Price is doing an up-do!” Jealous much, Nicole? Gee, are any of your clients going to end up with one of your cherished bobs? Girlfriend is getting on my last nerve with that shit, but I’m guessing it’s just her nerves talking. She should shut them up with alcohol (like I do).

And here comes the Karmic Wheel Of Justiceâ„¢ to roll right over Nicole. She’s discovered one of her clients has “black dye over black dye over black dye”…

…”I am so screwed, Rene!”…

Black dye apparently won’t lift except with bleach, and Underdog Nicole is hoping that the bleach she’s using will lift it through. This is making René very concerned and nervous about how much time she’s using to do this process. Nicole shows her immaturity by coming back with “Well, Charlie hasn’t even started his colors yet!” and René skewers her immediately with “Yoo should nod concentwate on whad they dooing!” Nicole backpedals and says “I’m not!” Um, yes you are, and keep in mind that Charlie and Dee both have beat your ass in coloring, girl. Eyes on your own paper! Besides, she’s bitching now about her 30-year-old’s hair being “half-curly and half-super-straight” because it’s “overprocessed” and so it’s super-hard to style it. She’s beginning to sound a lot like Excuses Nekisa…

Half the time is gone! Lesbiana Dee is starting to freak out because she doesn’t think she’s going to have time to do Granny Cackles’ roots. Granny just sips another vodka stinger and slurs “Okayyy!” However, the more Dee messes with her hair and attempts to cover the roots with the cut, the more she realizes that she’s gonna have to try and go for it at the last minute anyhow (especially when René comes prancing over and notices them very loudly). This is the point at which the previews showed her freaking out and saying that things were not going the way she planned at all. She starts jabbing color crud on Granny’s poor scalp like it’s window caulking…

Bitchy Charlie seems to have everything under control… sorta. He’s running around like mad, rinsing, cutting, styling, but he seems to have a handle on where he’s going. He’s not seeing the same clear-eyed direction in Nicole’s work as he says “She seemed sort of in flux the entire time and she looks really unhappy.” Nope, that’s just the way her face is, Charlie. She’s got two full people to color, and only one hour to do it in. This looks baaaad. I’m cackling myself and sucking down gummi worms like spaghetti. Charlie also says of Dee “I feel like Dee is going to do some sort of pseudo-philosophical quasi-zen defacto centered B.S. like she normally does…”

…Charlie Price… putting the “F” in deFacto since 2008…

Lesbiana Dee is really freaking out now, because she only has 15 minutes to rinse Granny Cackles and actually cut her hair! She says her head is like, boof, boof, boof… Well, someone is sure gonna boof something before this show is over with. Underdog Nicole says Dee is doing her same cut as always and poofs her hand up behind her head and makes a pblflflblflt! sound…

…Nicole showing love for raspberry beréts…

But U.N. really doesn’t have room to point fingers, she’s got 30 seconds to try to finish off a completely wet-headed client! Not gonna happen… and time is up! On to the final hair show!

We’re back in the Scissor Room, with Jaclyn Smith, Kim Vo and Linda Wells. Kelly Atterton must have pissed somebody off, because she is M.I.A. again. Maybe it was all her sour faces, or maybe it was her giant mole. Whatever the reason, I like Linda better, she’s got more personality in her eyebrows than Kelly had in her whole head. And tonight’s guest just has styled Nicole Kidman and Brad Pitt and is the Originatah of the Super-Shag… it’s Sally Hershberger from Season One of Shear Genius! Huh? Why didn’t Anthony (the winner of Season One) get to be the guest judge?!? Or even appear on the show at all? I call raw deal, Bravo! Oh well, let’s slog through this, shall we?

First up tonight, for the last time, is Lesbiana Dee…

Lesbiana Dee calls her 18-year-old “Young Little Red” and pretty much only says “She wears this trendy edgy cut!” I am so fucking sick of “edgy” coming outta Dee’s mouth. Try craggy. Try jagged. Try punky. Just try a different fucking word… since you didn’t bother to try a new hairstyle…

For the 30-year-old, she says she’s released her first CD and now she wants a man, so she’s looking for something “a little sexier”. This doesn’t look any different than what the girl had before (other than darker and curlier, but the styling is the same, down to the scalp parting!). Trés innovative, Dee! I don’t see a chart-topping super-star, I see a slutty dentist’s office receptionist…

Wow, she turned her 45-year-old into a Cher impersonator! If you don’t believe me, look at this…

Dee calls her client “40-ish” which gets a widening of the eyes from the woman, and Dee says she’s more high-maintenance now but can also afford to have her hair done more often. Good, she should go have it re-done right now…

And last we have Granny Cackles (or “Mama Red” as Lesbiana Dee keeps insisting on calling her… I like my nickname better). For real? What. The. Fuck. Dee calls this woman a “true redhead” (except we know that it’s totally fake nuclear color that would never be found in nature except in a parallel universe) and says that she went back to her “natural texture” (which is “lunatic”) and that the woman is “enjoying her grandkids”. Yes, I imagine she is enjoying them, baked in a pie and paired with a nice white zin. Do you know of very many little children who would let this woman get within three feet of them?

…I would prefer a close-up of Shirley MacLaine as Ouiser to this beat-up mug…

Oh, and by the way, fuck you Bravo Polling, just wait until you see the fug that Nicole perpetrated tonight…

Anyhow, Linda Wells likes the 18-year-olds cut, she thinks Dee showed a great “variety” of styling. She hasn’t seen the other 9 weeks of the same cut and styling, so she’s a tad uninformed on this one. Jaclyn likes Granny Cackles’ look, she thinks this crazy batwoman carries it off with a sense of life and vivaciousness (as Granny looks even more embalmed with her death’s head rictus grin and her sharp teeth). Time for new contacts, Jaclyn! Nobody really mentions 30′s receptionist or 40′s Cher. Nobody really critiqued her shit, either! This looks suspicious.

Oh well, time for Bitchy Charlie!

Bitchy Charlie goes on to tell the story of his child-star who grew up and starred as an 18 year old in a 40′s period piece. Like South Pacific. With a younger Meg Ryan. In big swoopy hair. I find the shape fascinating (how does it stay like that? Charlie really must know magic!) but the style is kinda weird for someone who’s still a teenager and NOT doing the school musical set during World War II in the Pacific War Theatre…

Moving on towards 30, Charlie says she has now won her first Oscar and is like Scarlet Johannssen and wearing very retro styles. I get more of a Catherine O’Hara feel, and it seems like a younger style than 18-year-old Meg Ryan had. Strange…

For his 45-year-old, Bitchy Charlie says she’s starring in a suspense role, and this is her hair from the movie. I think it looks very clean and neat. Charlie also points out the 60′s color job he did on her…

Last up, the 60-year-old is wearing the short’n'choppy cut as she directs her first film. Charlie calls it a “fresh, young, serious artist” look. Too bad she doesn’t look fresh or young (but I get loads of serious). Still, it is an interesting variation on the helmet-head that so many seniors go for these days, and I could see this lady as that one older co-worker in your office who is stuck with filing all day long, but still wears a super-smart, sharp, killer wardrobe every day (but who also probably drinks daquiris at lunchtime, too).

Kim Vo takes first crack as he compliments Charlie’s “color story” (and really, you can tell this guy knows his coloring, because they all look super-sleek) but then says “What kills me is I want to put rice and beans right in the middle of that and stuff that hair, ‘cuz it just annoys me to no end, that hole!”

…Ella quiere Taco Bell!…

Charlie deftly parries by invoking the image of Gwen Stefani and all the little “tornados” she has in her hairstyling. Kim wrinkles his nose (as much as his botoxerexia will allow anyhow) and says it’s very daring, but says it’s “very soft-serve”. HEY! Now Kim Vo is ganking shit from my recaps! You nasty little bitch, I should get an Ex-ACT-O knife and return your lips to their normal size! Charlie takes the “soft-serve” as a compliment, which prompts a super-bitchy “Good!” out of Kim Ho. Linda Wells delivers a harder blow when she says that while the technical proficiency is clear, all of Bitchy Charlie’s models look old. Damn! That was what he was afraid of. She waters it down somewhat by admitting that Scarlett Johanssen and Gwen Stefani do go for that retro-look, so she gets what he was going after. Sally Hershberger says Charlie can do any kind of hair, his styling is really strong, and Jaclyn pipes up with “I think iconic styles are always difficult technically… and you always accomplish it!” Yay for Jacci Praiseâ„¢! That’s much better!

Last up is Underdog Nicole…

She talks about her 18-year-old as being the “it” girl with her perfect hair that was long, blunt and shiny. She doesn’t really do much of anything, but sit there and be an “it” girl. I have always hated “it” girls. Mostly because I could never be one. Thanks for bringing back those sparkling high-school memories, Nikki…. bitch.

Now we’re in the 80′s, Nicole says, and her 30-year-old is “crazy”, her hair is “nuts” with all the curly pieces and the straight pieces, and at work she meets the man of her dreams (I wonder if “work” was Le Girl Nude Revue down by the airport and the “man of her dreams” kind of made her his girlfriend without really asking her how she felt about it… Underdog Nicole fails to elaborate, so I have to do it for her.) Snore.

So the Pimpmaster and Stripperella decide to settle down and have kids, and now she’s 47 (the client really appreciated being swiftly aged by two more years I’m sure) and Nicole thinks that at this age women all cut their hair off and lighten it in order to “remain classy” for as long as possible. I think it’s because they get tired of fucking around with complicated hairstyles…

And finally, at “about 58″ she just lets the hair go to it’s natural state… frizzy (but at least this client’s age got cut down by 2 years, and she gazes lovingly at Underdog Nicole) and she lets it go darker because she’s “not so young any more”, but she’s had a great life. Barf. Seriously. Puke-O-Rama!

Get ready to vomit some more, because Jaclyn (who seems to have been prompted by a producer or someone else off camera) says “That’s a great story, Nicole! Is that someone you know?” and Underdog Nicole goes right for the misty-eyed sentimentality as she says it’s based on her mom. Awwww, that’s so sweet. Too bad these styles are gonna make everyone think your mom is hideous (and before anyone flames me, I’m sure her mom is very nice-looking, but the hairstyles are uggo). Nicole and Jaclyn share a tear and I lose most of my gummi worms and about half the pizza.

Kim Vo says he loves the shine with every one of them. HUH? With the exception of the dishwater blonde, I couldn’t find any flatter, duller hair coloring on that stage! Linda Wells nails Nicole on her 60-year-old’s hair looking totally unfinished. At least Underdog Nicole admits to this. Sally Hershberger says her cutting skills are quite good and asks how old she is. When Nicole says she’s only 24, Sally says “Oh yeah… she’s major!” OMG, I canNOT believe that someone just used fucking Victoria Beckham’s lame-ass “catch-phrase” on this show! Shame on you, Sally!

Now it’s time for the judges to send everybody away and do their private ripping-to-shreds (this is where I would so be such a totally great judge on this show!)…

…Mean Girls 2008…

For some reason, all of Jaclyn Smith’s lines have been overdubbed during this part of the show. Someone musta spilled their Starbucks on the final edit or something. It sounds really weird and fake to keep hearing her breaking in and doing voice-overs while the camera never shows her face, therefore eliminating the need for any synchronizing work. Weird.

Anyhow, Jaclyn loves Lesbiana Dee’s story (zzzzz) and Linda thinks that Dee showed lots of variety. She goes on to say that if Dee had “done four bob cuts, we wouldn’t have liked it so much!” Yes, that’s because she did 12 bob cuts in every other previous challenge, Linda. Kim Vo says red is such a hard color to do, and says overall her color-story was “pretty decent”. Kinda faint praise there, Kim. I love you for it. But it seems like Sally and Linda are both impressed.

Regarding Bitchy Charlie, Kim Vo says that he really worked the color, it had a flow to it (you know Kim has to give it up on the coloring to Charlie, that is totally a strong point of his). Jaclyn says this is what Charlie loves to do is retro-looks, very iconic. Linda gives kudos for Charlie being really adept at technical styling. Sally still thinks they all looked old and Kim pipes back up again about the “hair-burrito”, but Jaclyn rushes to Charlie’s defense pointing out that in all of his up-do’s you never see a bobby-pin, it’s all very neat and precise. This didn’t sound like a lot of love, though…

And last up for Underdog Nicole, Kim says they love the non-existent “shine” (maybe Kim’s meds are kicking in and now everything has a bit of a “shine” to it) and Jaclyn says that Nicole was creative in using a long, straight hairpiece on the 18-year-old. Kim brings up the poor 60-year-old’s crappy cut and Linda jumps in that Nicole did “some things well and then some things she couldn’t finish…” and Sally finishes off Nicole’s chances with “She knew her mistakes…” And with that, they’ve come to their decision and bring back the Final Three!

…but which one gets the gold, silver and bronze?…

Jaclyn talks about what an incredible journey it has been over the last ten weeks and that she wished they could all win the prize…. Awww, that’s so sweet, Jaclyn! For as much as Nexxus charges for their products, I don’t think that $300,000.00 would really be too much to ask, but alas, no. There can only be one winner!

Lady J calls out Underdog Nicole’s name, and you can tell from the look on Darling Nikki’s face that she knows it’s over for her…

…Sorry, Nicole, guess it’s the bronze medal for you…

…and sure enough, while Jaclyn says she worked very hard, her work was not “Shear Genius”, and that this was her final cut. When asked if she’d like to say anything before she leaves, Nicole answers drily with “No.” After pausing a beat she smiles and says “Of course!” Jaclyn is glad, she was ready to cry. I’m kinda over Nicole as she talks about how many people doubted her and how her making the Final Three is such a “Nah ha ha ha ha ha!” There’s that maturity again. Thanks Nicole, don’t let the door bang you in the ass (although I was kinda surprised they’re not going to let her at least be in the room when the winner is announced… what’s up with that, Bravo?) but at the last minute she softens up and says she loves them all. Awww, I so totally believe in Reality Show Love Declarationsâ„¢, don’t you?

And now it’s down to Bitchy Charlie and Lesbiana Dee as the Final Two. And tonight, one of them has made their final cut! The suspense is killing me. Jaclyn calls out “Dee….”

OMG, did Bitchy Charlie just win the whole thing and become Shear Genius??!??!?…

…could it be? will it be?…

NO, because Jaclyn finished her little fake-out sentence with “…you are the winner.”, and Dee loses her shit completely…

…the Cross-Eyed Face Of Victory!…

WHAT?!?!?! Are you fucking kidding me? Lesbiana Dee?!?! Well, apparently this is what the producers really wanted, because there it is, she’s jumping all over the place and screaming as red, silver and blue confetti rains down from the ceiling. Bitchy Charlie, to give him credit, is smiling and clapping and congratulating her, and it even appears genuine…

…the Glassy-Eyed Face Of Defeat!…

…or perhaps he was in shell-shock. I will ask him about it soon, believe me. At least during her jumbled “acceptance speech” she told Charlie he was a “bad-ass hairdresser, man!” and he gives her a sweet kiss before she screams in his ear some more and goes to hug Jaclyn, Kim, Linda and Sally, too…

And that’s it! We’re dunzo with Season 2 of Shear Genius! Did you like it as much this time around as Season 1? Do you think the right person won the title?

I will stop and say that according to the majority of online chatter I’ve been seeing, an awful lot of people think that Bitchy Charlie got robbed… one posted a comment on another site that said they met Female Glenn and her husband (wouldn’t it be weird if his name was Glenn, too?), and that she said if we could have all seen all the things that Charlie can do with hair, then we would all understand why he should have been the winner. However, this may not be all bad, because I’m sure Lesbiana Dee will have to spend the next year promoting the shit out of Nexxus products, whether she likes them or not….

Oh, and at the recently held 2008 North American Hairstyling Awards (a.k.a. the NAHA’s) guess who won Hairstylist Of The Year? Charlie Price. Out of 610 stylists who entered. Which do you think carries more clout, an industry-recognized award like NAHA, or a reality-TV-show one? My point exactly.

I want to say thanks to everybody who logged on and slogged through my overly-long recaps, I know it’s a struggle to get through them, and I’m sure some of you may fallen asleep along the way… I have thoroughly enjoyed all of your comments and feedback and conspiracy theories, I feel honored to have found a small niche at TVgasm (and big BIG thanks to Flipit for taking a chance on a total unknown such as myself who showed up at the eleventh hour) and I hope you guys have felt I did some justice to the work done here. It is truly one of my greatest joys to share my idiocy, my lunacy and my totally unwarranted bitchiness with those who can appreciate such qualities. Thanks guys! I’ll see you next week with the premiere of Top Design (since Bravo has apparently decided to be super-cheap and not even do a reunion show for Shear Genius 2) and a new episode of Salon Takeover With Tabatha has just aired, so keep an eye out for another recap coming soon!

love, J-Mo