Shear Genius Finale: Brig Versus The Tiresome Twosome

Hello everyone, and welcome back to Hair-Worldâ„¢ this one last time. A couple of weeks ago I found a pair of testicles hanging in my closet, put them on, and sent an email to Brig Van Osten to alert her to TVGasm.com, to explain my role here as Shear Genius Shit Talker, and the fact that I had secretly used my friend Garilyn’s need for a haircut in order to infiltrate her salon. I was dead honest with her and told her flat-out that I was not one of her fans in the beginning of this season, I suspect because intially I thought she was just p!aying at being The Outcastâ„¢ since that has become one of the more tiresome and clichéd Reality TV Tropes. However, as the weeks wore on and MattBian and Garofalo’s behavior towards her devolved into shockingly bitter nastiness (really for no other reason than because they had dubbed themselves “the cool kids” and she was just not included in their little club) I began to identify with her more and more, and found myself liking those two less and less. I ended my email with a pathetic plea that she overlook all the bitchy-ass strongly-worded things I said in the first several couple recaps and hopefully grant me a post-season interview because I know the ‘Gasmii would love to know more about her…

…like how she can make cocky assholes look so miserable just by standing there and smiling…

Well, a few hours later I had a reply in my inbox from her. **GULP** I was sooooo skerd to click on it, brand new balls or not, but in the end I did. To my joy and delight she was mega-cool (I began to cry), she complimented the recaps (I cried harder) and she said she doesn’t take herself too seriously, and she was glad I wasn’t, either (seriously, snot was everywhere). It also made a good impression on her that I had done my homework where P!ay Hair Lounge was concerned… and best of all she agreed to do my post-season interview! I am ecstatic, I can’t wait to share the extra BrigALiciousness with you all. And on that note, let’s take the jump and see who wins!…Right away MattBian (and his Rocky Mountain-Sized Ego) is up front and center on my TV screen to preen and brag, “I had always pictured being in the Final Three, and I had always pictured winning soooo this is exactly where I’m supposed to be.”…

…”I’m so close to Jesus, He follows me on Twitter!”…

BrigADiva’s pretty pleased with herself as well, saying she just knew her overwhelming passion could carry her to the end…

…well, that, along with a few well-timed fuckups on the part of the other stylestants…

Garofalo’s the last to chime in about how awesome it is that she has a 1-in-3 chance of getting $100,000.00 in less than 24 hours…

…she neglects to mention how she has a 2-in-3 chance of coming to the sad conclusion that she’s been a raving bitch on TV for nothing…

Hey look! Here’s Cameltoe to put the final touches on her brutal TortuRape of English. I only have to listen to that wack-ass accent of hers for another hour! Anyhow, she reminds the Top Three how we started off with 12 stylestants, and now through the magic of mathematics we have performed subtraction of 9 of them, leaving these three. She looks pretty pleased with herself that she figured out something so complex…

…”Now, ass me whad two plus two eez!”…

Still has the fucking Roots From Hellâ„¢, I see. It’s too bad Cameltoe doesn’t have access to some kind of Shear Genius Nexxus Hair Salon where someone could, you know, help her with that. Such a shame. Anyhow, let’s get to the Final Challenge of this season. They’ll all be working with a clothing designer who has gotten famous by “translating his love for rock’n'roll into edgy designs”. Ohhhhh fuck me sideways with a two-by-four, if they bring out that asstwat Jeffrey Sebelia again I’m going to teleport myself into Andy Cohen’s shower so I can punch him in the doughnuts.

Nope, it’s not ole Dirtyfug Tatneck Jeffrey, it’s this guy…

…Little Lord Fatleroy (with a Princess Of Power belt buckle!)…

His name is Henry Duarte and all the stylestants seem impressed, but none more so than Garofalo, who exclaims that she sees him as the very personification of dark rock’n'roll edginess. Well, okay, I can sorta see that, he looks very bloated, tired, sad, and still slightly high PLUS his Whitney-wig needs straightening. So the challenge is for each of them to style hair on six models for Little Lord Fatleroy’s fashion show on the following day. They each get 10 minutes right now to consult with him and gain inspiration. I’m kinda hoping that BrigABella attacks him with a comb and some Speed Stick, it might make the consultation less unpleasant.

Also, Cameltoe says they’ll be meeting up with her and BoreLando Peetah back in the Salon to select their assistants for the challenge. She also mentions they’ll be judged on how well their styling relates to the clothing line and how cohesive the six models are as a whole. And Garofalo is the first to get talky-time with Little Lord Fatleroy!…

…”Did you bring me a Big Mac?”…

Garofalo starts looking through the clothes her models will be wearing, and Fatleroy’s telling her he doesn’t want this show to look “retro”, he’s thinking more along the lines of the fuuuuutuuuuure! Garofalo’s just so thrilled with his clothes and amazed at how they have such “strong lines and strong fabrics”, and her head is so far up his ass she can see boogers and daylight. She tells him her idea is for a “running theme of combining textures” which is basically just another way of saying “I have to make it cohesive so I can win 100 Gs, K Hamster-Cheeks?” She tells us it’s going to be “rock’n'roll but obscure and definitely harder”…

…I guess maybe harder in the sense of space helmets?…

Hey, let’s take a look at the clothes her models will be wearing!…

…Wow, I had no idea that wearing black pantyhose with runs in them on the arms made one so rock’n'roll, I just thought it made you look like you smelled bad…

I guess on the plus side, Fatleroy never needs any colored pencils for sketching. It’s MattBian’s turn now, and he’s being told the next part of this clothing collection is more architectural and “cleaned up” (so I guess this means the arm-pantyhose aren’t full of holes this time) and then Fatleroy says fuuuuutuuuuure again. OMG, you guys! MattBian tells us he was just now thinking of the future, too! “It’s like he has ESP on what I’m already thinking!!!”…

…”Youuuu will bring meeee a Big Maaaac and friiiiies.”…

Can it, MattBian, this isn’t some kind of Sign that you’re soul mates. I mean seriously, ALL fashion shows are either “retro” or “future”, you had a 50% shot of guessing right. Anyhow, he’s telling Fatleroy that he’s thinking of things like “hard part-lines” and using leather in the hair so it looks “a little bit bondage-y?” Let’s see what “cleaned up” looks like in this collection…

…okay, apparently it means “I’ve just gotten out of rehab and I’m going to work in a funeral home”…

It’s BrigATelepathy’s turn, and before Fatleroy can even open his mouth, she asks him “What about futuristic?” and he’s totally down with that, he wants the hair to have a lot of “theatrics” to it…

…mission accomplished…

Then, even stranger, BrigAnimé asks him if he ever looks at comic books, and it turns out that on his last trip to China he bought a butt-load of comics (oddly enough, they were all about taking loads up the butt, but he doesn’t mention that part to her) and now BrigAToon’s more over the moon than ever about this challenge because Fatleroy is very clear that he wants something bold and statement-making. “You have only seen a tip of that iceberg with me!”, she says…

…Great, just don’t let it turn you into the Titanic, girl…

She tells Fatleroy that she has an idea for something she’s never seen done before, she wants to use “laminated” hair and create layers with it. He doesn’t even bat an eye, just says it sounds cool and lets her run with it. Here’s what she gets for costuming clothing…

…can we just call this collection “Blazers’N'Boobs” already?…

BrigADorable notes that all six of the looks in her part of this collection are pretty different (and is that an actual color I see being used for one of them?) and she wants to make sure her signature is all over the hair. I hope she doesn’t plan to execute that in a literal sense with a Sharpie marker.

Back to the SG Salon! Cameltoe says since BrigADiablo won last week, she gets the last shot on the Allure Wall Of Flameâ„¢…

…along with a vaguely dirty title…

Heh, a Triple-Header sounds like something I would do. If I were given the chance and some Chap-Stik. Anyhow, she also gets to choose her assistant stylists first, so let’s bring them out! And then…. we see shadowy silhouettes approaching the salon door… it opens… and the Final Three make faces!…

…Jeez, could you maybe butch it up just a smidge, MattBian?…

Drama queen. We cut to a commercial, because there’s just no way any of us could ever guess that the “assistants” are going to be pulled from the pool of Bitter And Already Sent Home Loozahs…

…although wouldn’t it be awesome if they had six guys like this to choose from instead?…

That’d be cruel, but cool. But no, in come walking TrannyLips, Brialien, ApRebel, Amyrexia, Fatty-Ma and Arz-Oh (who is a surprise to me, considering the fact that she got sent home before 80, but he was really too vile to keep around any longer, so yay for Arz-Oh). Garofalo immediately makes my jaw drop to my chubby chest when she says (with a straight face) that she’s super-excited to see them all because she’s really been wanting to work with each one of them individually and as a team, so this is just super-cool. Then she puts a couple of drops of lemon juice in each eye and squirts out a few crocodile tears. Cut the shit, Garofalo… we all know the only person in this entire competition you’ve ever even considered to be on the same level as you has been your gay lesboyfriend MattBian…

…rarely have I ever seen someone so short that could still find a way to look down on so many people…

BrigAmBarrassed is catching some angry looks from a few people over the mere fact that she’s made it to the Final Three and they haven’t, but she just plays it off and says “Ahh, this is awesome! It was great to see you leave, but it’s great to see you back!” You can tell that people want to slap her, but she’s got all the power here, because she gets to choose amongst them first. Even better still, she gets to dictate the order in which MattBian and Garofalo will get to pick as well…

…gee, is this the face of someone who 30 seconds ago claimed to be ecstatic to work with any of them?…

Or maybe it’s just the fact that BrigADominatrix is in control that chaps her labia so badly. In any case I found it oddly endearing that right after Cameltoe announced that BrigAVolt had this power, ApRebel let out a raucous belly-laugh while watching the Tiresome Twosome’s faces fall. She knows what time it is with her kooky sister!

OK, so who’s BrigADecision going to choose first? “Because I don’t want her talent with one of these guys… Faatemah, please join my team!” Huhwha??!??!? Did she just pick Fatty-Ma first? On purpose??!??! Oh, Brig, thy ways are mysterious and plentiful. So how does Fatty-Ma feel about being put on Team BrigADoodledoo?…

…I don’t really care, I’m too busy being fascinated by her chola-brows…

She actually makes a rather odd comment back to Brig, “You’re crazy, not stupid!” True, stupid people are the ones who get kicked off in the third episode. Privately, Fatty tells us “I can’t even stand to hear Brig talk!” Ugh, great, she’s already got one team member who can’t stand her, is this some more strategy? BrigADesign says she’s trusting that even though Fatty left hating her, hopefully she will return with a sense of professionalism and just get the job done. Gee, Brig, wouldn’t it be faster to just go outside and step in front of a bus?

Oh well, she says her second choice has done way more Fashion Weeks than she has, and that’s her fellow wackjob ApRebel. Garofalo lets loose with a smirk when she sees this, I’m sure because she thinks ApRebel sucks and she didn’t really want to work with her (contrary to her little “We Are The World” statement earlier). Someone should remind her that the “Graduated Bob” competition is over with, if there ever was anybody in this group that can relate to BrigADreamy’s sense of avant-garde strangeness, it’s ApRebel. I actually think the two of them make a pretty fierce team.

She chooses Garofalo to go next, and Little Miss Shrunken Zuni Head chooses fellow shorty, Arz-Oh, because she thinks they’ll work well under pressure together…

…I’m dubious because Arz-Oh seems to be too wrapped up in auditioning to be a douchebagguidette on the next season of Jersey Shore (*gasp* …or maybe The Persian Version?!?)…

Whatever, Garofalo’s next statement is far more telling, “She’s gonna stay on task and execute it as if I did it myself.” which means the real reason she picked Arz-Oh is because she can control her. MattBian picks Amyrexia, mostly because he wants a dinner partner to not eat anything with. Then Garofalo pics TrannyLips because she says he’s “the fastest in the West”…

…that lives in, you know, the South…

I’m really shocked that Tranny didn’t get snapped up first! I guess maybe the Tiresome Twosome were pissed at him because he played yo-yos with BrigADunk? Oh well, in any event, this leaves Brialien with MattBian, and there are our teams. Cameltoe says they have three hours in the SG Salon to prep their models any way they like, and then an additional 3½ hours the following day before the fashion show.

BoreLando then says “. . . . . .” and we don’t care anymore because I disrecapped him. Time starts and right away MattBian’s ready to jump on in. He says he’s going to put prosthetic “bald-caps” on two of the girls, give two others mohawks, and the last two will be flattened hair on top with “tons of texture” on the ends. Plus he’ll be coloring all six of them. And trying to keep from accidentally sticking his dick into Brialien…

…as well as gaying out all over the place in every stereotypical way possible…

As for Garofalo, her blondes need to be blonder, her brunettes need to be brunettier, and her redheads need a drink and a Vicodin because even with those stylist chairs at the lowest setting, they’re all getting cricks in their necks from having to bend down so far for her tired little arms. She’s decided to wrap all of the ends of her models’ hair into large spiral hair-pins, so they resemble rotini pasta. Mmmmm. She tells us that she’s really grateful for the journey and thinks she’s “grown by leaps and bounds”…

…she says while standing on a milk-crate…

BrigADeranged is laying out her idea for “laminating” her models’ hair by sealing it in clear tape. She’s also planning on using a lot of brightly colored hair extensions, and she wants to have all of that coloring done by the end of the day, so she sets Fatty-Ma on that particular task. She tells us she really wanted to sit down with the team and let them in on her exact strategy… but she’s catching Fatty-Ma giving looks to the other team and key-keying with them, and that’s giving her serious doubts as to whether or not Fatty’s going to really give it her best effort to help her win…

…and really, how can she when she’s got an evil little white woman clamped to her breasts?…

She does, however, trust her some ApRebel, and she lets her in on exactly who can know what and when…

…at least, not until they can scrape Garofalo off of her…

At first I thought, “Gee, Brig, is it really necessary to keep the girl in the dark like that?”, but then we immediately cut to Fatty-Ma over at her clueless little extension coloring job, and she calls out to MattBian and says “How dare you let her win an Elimination!” Ahhhh, okay, yeah, unfortunately I guess it is necessary because we still have some 8th graders in the room. BrigADark does let ApRebel in on her whole hair-laminate idea, and tells us she really needs to win the $100,000.00 because she took out a couple of loans to keep P!ay going in her absence.

BoreLando Peetah shows up and wants to chat with MattBian who asks if he can use the blow-dryer while they talk in order to stay awake. LOL MattBian! BoreLando says “. . . . . .” MattBian looks shocked, clutches his imaginary pearls and exclaims “NO BoreLando, I’m not into being your scat-queen diaper-boy!”…

…”But I will let you play with a pair of my skidmarked poo-poo undies!”…

Moving on over to Garofalo, BoreLando asks “. . . . . .” and she’s more than happy to tell him in excruciating detail how amazing of a hairdresser she is, and then she fills in the missing piece for me regarding this little hair-pin affair she’s got going on… it’s the same technique she used in the very first challenge when she won!…

…two words: don’t smoke…

Interesting that she’s going back to something she’s already done, but maybe it’s a comfort thing. BoreLando says “. . . . . .” and Garofalo says she’s not worried at all about sending the models home with these uncomfortable-ass pins in their hair, they all know she’s an ankle-biter and are sufficiently afraid of her wrath that they wouldn’t touch those pins even if they were on fire.

Now he’s over bothering BrigADingDong. “. . . . . .” She lets him in on the Secret Of The Scotch-Garded Hair, talking about how most of it’s going to be black, but she’ll be adding in “kicks” of purple, chartreuse and magenta as well, which seems like a rather 80′s-flavored palate. She tells us she’s looking at a big bag filled with piles and piles of hair extensions in 8 different colors and “This is a mess!” Great, I think I just made a new pair of poo-poo undies I can let BoreLando play with, too. And then time is called.

The next morning, in an oddly bright HateLoft, BrigABoolsheet’s talking to the Tiresome Twosome and telling them she’s so happy to be there with them, and that she just knows she’s going to look at their work and love it. MattBian agrees it’s going to be an entertaining day. Garofalo’s busy ignoring her and affixing a teeny top-hat to her head (because circus hats are so much cooler than hair-bows I guess?).

Anyhow, the next thing you know, BrigADevious tells them “So, just to let you know, I know it looks like I have no room in my suitcase for the money, but I do. So, this is for you, and this is for you (she puts down a dollar in front of each of them) so you don’t go home empty-handed!”…

…BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!…

Garofalo picks up the dollar like she’s afraid that BrigABooty wiped her ass on it or something and mumbles “Thanks.” Clearly she’s not thankful at all…

…and clearly she doesn’t know how to use a Swiffer, either…

She’s saying something about how she opened her Hollywood salon at age 24 “on a day’s notice”. What does that mean, exactly? She just decided to open a salon one day and the next, BOOM, there it was? This is why I don’t believe that she’s only 28. Anyhow, she claims that she’s extremely focused and that sometimes that can come off as “perhaps harsh” but she’s on a mission and there’s just no derailing her. Ahhh, I get it! That’s going to be my excuse the next time someone gets pissed off about something I say in one of my recaps, “I was just being extremely focused in my writing, and I refuse to be derailed from my mission…”

…”…so fuck off.”…

BrigADamaged tells us she’s been doing hair for 14 years but that she’s pretty much avoided the “industry side of things” (I’m assuming she means Hollywood and the entertainment industry) because as she puts it, “My celebrities are the everyday women that sit in my chair and trust me to do really cool, fun, creative things with hair because we do have fashion and style and we are quite cool.”…

…”So put that in your Little Kim and smoke it!”…

Amen, sister, it’s about time someone stood up for the common woman who can’t afford to pull a fucking Kate Gosselin and blow $8,000 on having human hair extensions put in only to turn around and whine about how much she haaaaates them. Don’t get me wrong, I love pop culture and celebritism, too, but it gets tiresome when people on these reality competitions constantly use that as the sole benchmark of their talent. Just because someone can afford to pay a hundred times what I pay for my haircuts, that doesn’t necessarily make it a better cut, just more expensive. At the end of the day it’s still just a bunch of strung-together cells growing out of your head. You have the same thing growing out of your crotch, too.

Back to the show, MattBian says getting the $100K would be really cool, but he’s really out to win to show his husband, friends and family, and all of his employees that they’re behind him for a reason, and that it will prove that he’s the best out there, “I mean, that’s what it is for me, I want everybody to see that!”…

…Ugh, you need a Tic-Tac, your rancid dickbreath just obliterated your own name…

So how fucked up is it that winning the cash would just be “cool” (something tells me Miss MattBian must come from some money to be so blasé about it) but the all-important thing for him is having the title and “proving” to everybody that he’s the absolute best? As if that’s really even truly quantifiable in any kind of creative industry. I think somebody’s forgotten that it’s just a stupid reality TV show, the title of “Shear Genius” is not conferred by God. Ugh, let’s hit the home stretch…

Everybody shows up at the venue for the fashion show and the final 3½ hours begins to tick down. BrigADazzle gets her team together and finally reveals her true vision for the hair to everybody (including Fatty-Ma) and it turns out the whole reason why she chose Fatty-Ma was because she supposedly has the ability to do amazingly sleek and smooth chignons. This is news to me, because most of the time Fatty was wandering around looking like she had a Van De Graaff generator shoved up her ass…

…it’s electric!…boogie-woogie-woogie…

In any case, once she gets the chignons finished, they’re wrapping them in vinyl, so they look a lot like those roses you can buy at the gas station for your sweetie (because everyone loves a flower that smells like super-unleaded) and I have to say I’m impressed that Fatty didn’t decide to be a bitch and try to fuck up BrigADizzle’s plans.

Meanwhile, MattBian has Brialien sectioning off hair and wrapping it with wire…

…now she can receive messages from Brialien’s home planet, too!…

Garofalo’s taken all of her girls’ hair pins out, and things are ballooning out nicely on the bottoms, while she’s smoothing the hair down from the tops of their head. I must admit that it makes for a striking look, and that clearly takes a lot of skill to get hair to do that. She’s also got a pair of girls who have doinky ponytails sticking straight up out of their heads that she plans to adorn with some kind of shimmery mylar ribbon or something.

Her BFF MattBian is casting a critical eye over her constructions and he immediately clocks the fact that she’s used that same technique in the very first hair-over-the-boobies challenge and he says he was “expecting something a little bit more special” from her. Like what he’s doing, which is to cover his model’s head in a latex bald-cap and then tack hair extensions on over the top of it…

…Special Gayâ„¢…

His BFF Garofalo is eyeing his work from her perch atop the milk-crate and says “I won’t be an asshole (which always means that’s exactly what she’s about to be) but I know that Matthew is going bigger than he normally does, it’s just a little bit out there. It’s mind-numbing!” Yes, much like listening to the two of you so-called besties tear each other’s work down.

Back over in PlasticVille, BriGladWrap is really getting into the swing of her constructions when Little Lord Fatleroy comes schlumping around to check everything out. He happens to stop by and say he loves the way the current model looks with just the plastic wrapped over the top of her head, which astonishes Brig since they haven’t put the hairpieces on her yet! She decides on the spur of the moment to dial it way back and only put a few pieces of hair on them, leaving the plastic more prominent.

Fatleroy also breezes by to tell Garofalo he loves whoever it is she’s got sitting in her chair right now, and she sycophantically grins and gushes that if he’s happy she’s happy. Barf. Then he makes his way over to chat with MattBian, and he seems to also like what he’s doing, so now I pretty much think that he’s fairly useless as any kind of judge, but then I realize that in the middle of talking to MattBian his eyes have glazed over and he appears distracted…

…most likely because he just caught sight of the craft services table…

With just a few minutes left, Garofalo’s trying to figure out how to make her biggest-haired models look more “special”, so she staples some chains into the back their hair. And she always gets on BrigOfficeMax for being so fascinated with office supplies! Anyhow, time finally runs out, and Garofalo teases all of us by pretending to fall down dead…

…but we all know what we wish had actually happened…

Next thing we know we see the runway and people lining either side. Naturally in the front row is our panel of judges, which includes Granny Wells, Kim Chee, The Ant, Little Lord Fatleroy and BoreLando Peetahh…

…and I will never again underestimate the slimming power of black…

Way to blend in Fatleroy! Even if it does make you look like an overweight middle-school baby-goth-girl. Over on the other side of the runway are the stylestants, all of whom look mega-nervous…

…except for BrigABatcave, who’s busily trying to get Brialien to understand that mining for boogers in public is a no-no on this planet…

Then Cameltoe comes out to mangle some more words that eventually are deciphered as “Let’s start the fashion show!” and for a scary moment I thought Not-Beyoncé and Eye-Sack Mizrahi were going to reappear on TV! *shudder*

BrigALaminator’s models are up first…

…and the future is suddenly much more frightening than I ever imagined…

I’m not sure what super-hero that’s supposed to be. Algae-Girl? Still, Fatleroy’s murmuring to Cameltoe that it’s all very well-executed, so, okay, I guess…

…and my super-hero name for her is Zoloftia…

It’s totally bizarre, there are all these cigar-like rolls of hair wrapped in Saran-Wrap and lining her head. I am totally baffled…

…as are MattBian and Garofalo…

MattBian says BrigATastic’s look is really simple and artsy and “not really hair-y at all” but more like “an art project”…

…an art project that wants to murder you…

I wonder if models ever get pissed when they go on a job and then they wind up getting made over in an intentionally ugly way…

…like Fuggarella here…

The next girl is the one that Fatleroy said he loved how she looked with mostly just the plastic…

…who knew my Gramma’s rain-bonnet could be so fashion forward?…

Her final model has the most color-slats out of all of them…

…meet Depressed Tamale Womanâ„¢…

Here’s another look at everybody on the runway…

…best argument for recycling ever…

Garofalo chimes in that BrigADerrrrr’s models look awesome and striking, but she can’t help but bitch “I really wish she would have done their hair!” *Pfft!* As if flavor-sealing it isn’t the same thing as “doing” it! Gahhhd, what a bitch!

Let’s move on to MattBian’s gals…

…malaria makes you pretty (and thin!)…

Matty falls in love all over again, because, well, he’s MattBian, and this is work by MattBian, so why wouldn’t he want to just jump on up there and fondle what he created? And then the first evidence of shameless ganking hits the runway…

…really, Mattbian? You’re trying to pawn this off as your own idea?…

…Miss Malakar might have a thing or two to say about that…

Total rip-off, and I’m completely shocked that nobody mentioned the obvious parallel! I mean, yes, Sanjaya isn’t wearing zippers on his head, but jeez, the pony-hawk is prolly not gonna ever be associated with high-fashion again! And then he does it again…

…”I’m not your bitch, don’t hang your shit on me!”…

Jeez, did he really think nobody would notice this style was ripped off from inspired by Madonna’s Human Nature video?…

…granted, MattBian’s girl doesn’t have a toy dog stuck to her hair…

Apparently Fatleroy hasn’t seen it, because he’s saying how amazing it is. Ugh, let’s move on…

…Little Miss Eight-Head…

BrigADome says this girl looks like an alien, and the line of the skull-cap is very clear under the bright lights on the runway, “She looks sickly-weird”. Well, maybe she just needed some plastic wrap to feel better? I dunno. The next girl doesn’t look much healthier…

…”Call me Miss Dysentery, I’ll be your illness tonight!”…

This girl has a zipper going up the back of her head, which is a fun touch. Too bad she’s tottering down the runway like she’s ready to topple over at any moment. His last model looks a tad more vibrant, if no less apocalyptic…

…Mad Maxine…

Garofalo just think’s all of MattBian’s girls look phenomenal, she has no clue how he pulled off that amazing amount of back-teasing in three and a half hours! I’ll tell you how: by copy-catting…

…and besides being unoriginal, MattBian’s future is filled with paleness and constipation…

And lastly we have Garofalo’s Big Chola’ed out gang-members…

…starting with Miss Slept-On-Her-Side-Last-Night…

Well, it certainly is BIG! And it gets BIGGER!…

…that looks itchy…

Of course, Garofalo’s totes impressed with herself and calls it “over the top amazing”…

…I’ll give her “over the top”…

MattBian’s super-impressed to, he loves the billowy texture and he thinks it’s also striking and beautiful. Fatleroy’s also calling it “really well done” and saying how much he likes it. Or maybe he’s talking about the steak-burger someone just delivered to him…

…When Your Toni Home Perm Goes Horribly Awry…

BrigADoesntmissmuch has noticed the chains stapled into the backs of the models’ hair and says it’s “looking a little chandelier-y”…

…she’s got a point, but then again, a lot of hers looked rather Fruit Roll-Up-ey…

I had my own interior decoration thought in watching her first four models walk the runway…

s

…that they looked like a bunch of mantle clocks…

Even better still is hearing Garofalo describe her last two looks as “punk-rock ponytails”…

…or what my drag-queen friends like to call “hard-on hair”…

…though hers could use some Cialis…

Here’s a last look…

…tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, SCHWING!…

Well, that’s it, and for the last time here we go with the judges…

Beginning with BrigADamn, she mentions how Fatleroy had gotten some new Chinese porn comics and that she began to imagine Björk as a super-hero along with putting the colored hair into clear tape. The Ant clearly hates it and says he’s just seeing a lot of hats, not a lot of hair, and wants to know why she didn’t incorporate more of the models’ own hair. BrigADuh says she wanted to do the hair-lamination, and she figured the models obviously would not be happy if she tried that process with their real hair. He accuses her of just wanting to “accessorize”. She’s all “Yeah… with hair.”

Suddenly Kim Chee steps up to her defense and says the hair is an accessory itself and it is definitely cohesive. Then he calls it amazing, he loves the colors, he thinks it represents high fashion, “I’ve never seen work like this before!” Wow. It’s about to get even more surreal, because Granny Wells speaks up and says it’s so innovative and so much fun because it complements the clothes in a really clever way, it enhances them without overpowering them. Ruh-roh. If I had done some big-ass hair I’d be feeling my blood running cold at this moment. Finally, Cameltoe says she’s never seen anything like it on a runway before, she thinks that in this case Brig actually created art…

…someone’s about to cry from all this unexpected praise…

…while someone else is starting to feel mighty stabby…

Moving on to MattBian, Granny Wells says he did an “interesting” job, there was lots of “creativity” (except for where he did a blatant knock-off of other styles) and she loves the zipper motif, as well as the last model and her hot messhawk that went down to the floor. Kim Chee says there’s a lot of hotness going on, but he’s not caring much for the bald-cap chicks, he thinks they caused the hair storyline to go all over the place. MattBian says he wanted to show he has some range.

The Ant says he did a great job and that he likes everything he did. (I read an interview where MattBian claims that Jonathan Antin has a mancrush on him. I know, right? I blew boogers everywhere when I read that, too!) Cameltoe echoes that she loved what he did, but she thinks he missed some consistency with Miss SexyMalaria and Miss MadonnaWannaBee. She also mentions that she’s seen these looks before, there isn’t any “wow” to them…

…he is so lucky nobody mentioned the damned ponyhawk…

Finally, Miss Garofalo makes sure to mention how she only used the models hair, and just their hair, there are no extensions being used. The implied tone is that those who did use extensions (and tape) are clearly not as talented as herself. Kim Chee wants to know why she didn’t incorporate the big frizz in the two erection-tailed models, he suspects she “ran out of steam” in those cases (my thoughts exactly). Garofalo laughably claims she didn’t want it to be “obnoxious”, as if pulling back on these two somehow negated the other four fuzzballs. It’s totally weird, but her speech is suddenly very choppy and her teeth are clenched and she looks like she’s really ready to bite someone…

…watch your ass, Brig, tetanus shots are no fun…

The Ant says she did an amazing technical job, but he’d liked to have seen more from her. Granny Wells likes her combination of wild and controlled, as well as shiny and matte textures, and compliments her on making it both beautiful and edgy. Then Cameltoe kicks her right in the cooze when she says that while she likes it, she has seen it several times before and it’s nothing new to her. Garofalo counters that she believes the challenge is in doing something that’s already been done well and then doing it better. Because she can do everything better, I guess. HATE.

They’re sent to the Salon while final deliberations go on, and MattBian calls them together to say “So guys? Here’s something we need to remember: whatever happens it’s only a matter of opinion of four people.” BrigATruce wishes him luck and they actually fist-bump. Garofalo just glowers at her. And then they’re being called back into the Judging Chamber!

…and Jesus, is Garofalo just coming un-fucking-glued, or what?…

After repeating just about everything everyone has said during the course of the entire series it’s finally time to reveal that MattBian… is not Shear Genius!!! HOLY SHIT, it’s down to BrigADoon and Garofalo! MattBian’s actually fairly composed about it, and he even hugs Brig as well as Garofalo! Then he’s outie. Let’s go check out who the viewers think should win…

…wow, who knew bitchy, bitey, stabby little goth-dolls were so popular?…

Back within the Arena of the Estrogenic Face-Off, it’s just Brig and Garofalo. Cameltoe looks at them and says “Brig….

…Congratulations, your work is Shear Genius!” OMG, is this for fucking real??!? BrigABoo just won Shear Genius!!!

…and I almost believe Garofalo doesn’t want to chomp her ear off…

She goes to hug each of the judges, and then the rest of the stylestants are pouring into the room carrying champagne. Hopefully nobody spiteful put Visine in hers. Anyhow, Brig’s final words to us are: “Everyone out there… never underestimate anyone in any competition!”

And that’s a plastic-wrap! What did you think of this episode? And this season? Do you feel like Brig should have won, or does your vote lie more with Garofalo or MattBian? (who, BTW, said in post-season interviews that they believe they still “tied for first place” so it’s clear they disagree with the outcome vehemently, to which I say “Too bad bitches, Brig’s still taking home the $100 grand!”) Would any of you want to see another season of this show, or do you think it’s lost it’s lustre with the departure of Jaclyn Smith.

I want to say thanks for sticking it out with me through this fucked-up season, I know it’s been hard at times waiting for me to get these recaps posted. I’m off to have a nap and then I’m going to get started on Top Chef Masters 2! Also, the interview with Brig will be posted soon as well!

Thanks for all your time, love and commenting!

love, J-Mo