Shear Genius: From Punk To Crunk

Hello hair hoppers! My name is J-Mo, I am a Top Chef fan, and once upon a time I did a Google search on the words “Lisa”, “Fernandes” and “bitch”. One of the results that was kicked back to me was housed inside a recap on this very site (TVGasm.com) written by the fabulous LoLo and I became an instant fan. After a couple of months of being an avid reader, I saw there was this new show coming up on Bravo, a hair-styling competition, and I thought “Heyyyy, I wonder if I could do this recapping thing, too…?” and so I wrote my first recap (completely unsolicited) and emailed it to Flipit, who emailed me back and said “You are badly twisted, tiger. Welcome to the family and the end of free time as you know it.” And since that time I’ve never looked back. Mostly because I’m too fat to turn all the way round without cramping. Nevertheless, I will always have a special place in my heart for Shear Genius and the wonderful ‘Gasmii…

…and the fact that even in death, some form of Farrah-hair lives on…

I am a BIG fan of BIG hair. From the 80′s mall styles, to drag queens, to 80′s mall styles on drag queens, I love me some big-ass teased-out sprayed-up bullet-proof soul-shaking earth-destroying hair. And on tonight’s episode we’re going to see a lot of it, along with some boobs, some bitchiness and some brittle behavior. Bonus! (ok, ok, I’ll stop now) It’s time to bust out those scissors and foils and see who can become the next Tabatha Coffey after the jump!…Okay, I have to get something off of my manboob-covered chest right away. I am pissed beyond belief that they got rid of Jaclyn Smith (and to a far lesser extent, René Fris) as hostess of the show, and I can’t for the life of me understand why. Jaclyn had a quiet class and genteel beauty about her that lent an air of finesse to the reality competition landscape. She had seen several decades worth of hairstyling come and go, and I believed she knew what she was talking about when she would critique the stylestants’ work. On the other hand, her replacement (Camila Alves) is only 28 years old and is getting regularly banged by Matthew McConaughey, which apparently gives her some kind of mystical attractive power I’m completely unaware of…

…and completely immune to. …

Shame on you, Andy Cohen! It looks as though you’ve succumbed to the ugly power of ageism once again. Anyhow, as tonight’s episode commences, Cameltoe is attempting to carefully and slowly read the script that tells us this season of Shear Genius is “beeger dan ayvur… widda few new tweest”. Then she stiffly introduces herself via voiceover and attempts to illustrate her hair-critiquing creds to us (“Azza top modell, ayam no estranger to byoodeefool haiur!”). Well, that settles it. “Top Models” are well-known to be observant and subtly discerning creatures…

…this is proof…

Which brings us to our next major change: the replacement of the affably goofy and fun-loving René Fris with former star of his own Bravo reality show (and current pissy-looking dickbag) Jonathan Antin…

…yeah, I know something you can Blow (it) Out, Jon-Jon…

Shame on you, Andy Cohen! It looks as though you’ve succumbed to the ugly power of a failed and groveling reality star. In any case, we get a quick clip of one of The Ant’s more technically advanced critiques (“That hairstyle sucks!”) before our eyes are finally soothed by the image of someone familiar and lovely, and that’s “mahstair collareest” Kim Vo!…

…Oh Kim, don’t you or your plastic face ever leave us!…

So the prizes are the same from last season, $100,000.00 from Nexxus products (“We put the extra ‘X’ in ‘Sexxy’!”) plus “an appwentishib wid Naygzus” (in Cameltoese) and the amazingly rare opportunity to style hair for an Allure Magazine photo shoot. Just one. Not a series or anything, because that would seem too much like a real prize.

We’ve got a brand new Shear Genius Nexxus Salon, and as this season’s stylestants enter, Cameltoe goes “Oh waaaow!” like she’s surprised they’re there. She doesn’t seem all that bright, so mayhap she is surprised. Anyhow, as she introduces herself, we hear from our first seriously douchey cast member, Giacomo, who appears close to orgasm as he breathes “Camila! You’re talking about a man who loves Latin women, so, heh heh…”

…”…I will steal her away from Matthew McConaughey with my Kenny G-ness!”…

Heyyyy, isn’t using a shaving razor also a kind of, um, hair-cutting skill? Whatever, it doesn’t matter, I’m sure Jack-A-’Mo wanders around through his days with the romantic strains of “Songbird” constantly running through his head and visions that he’s a real O.G. kinda playa…

…yes, weep at the sight of your nemesis, Matthew McCoolio…

Sorry, Cameltoe’s still talking, telling the stylestants how they’re the “baste ovda baste” and how much the competition is going to test them, and as I am looking over this group I’m finding it’s super-hard to spot who’s more of a dickweed…

…the queen with the pumped-up lips and the fauxhawk (grrrr!) who insists on wearing her sunglasses indoors, or the other dirty-looking poorly-shaved tatted-up former-meth-addict…

Time will tell, I guess. Let’s meet one of the girls instead! How about April, who just says “Let’s rawk!”…

…um, you first. …

She says she owns a salon in NYC and that she “rebelled against it all” and that she didn’t need or want anything from the outside world. It’s just her and her shears and her little corner suite in the Chelsea Hotel…

…and her growing list of stabbing victims…

Nice to meet you, Aprebel, you’ve already managed to make me very uncomfortable. In the meantime, Cameltoe moves on to the dirty-looking poorly-shaved tatted-up former-meth-addict, who says his name is Adee…

…as in, the last time he washed was in 1980…

80 is from London, and his claim to fame is that he gave David Beckham “one” of his “most famous” hairstyles and it set him up on his career…

…did anybody notice that David even has hair in this picture?…

And yes, 80 is insisting on taking credit for having turned Becks into Pepe LePew. It’s very iconic, you know. He says a lot of UK stylists wouldn’t try out for this show because if they don’t do well it could damage their career, but since he’s a total gambler, he’s taking the risk. We’ll see how that pans out for him later. Be sure to wear your shin-guards and a cup.

Then Cameltoe actually earns a little love from me when she calls out DoucheQueen for still wearing his sunglasses indoors, and asks him if he thinks he’ll make it to the end. He cockily spouts “I didn’t come here to go home empty-handed…”…

…or with normal-sized lips…

This is Jon, and he’s trying to set himself up as this season’s Bitchy Charlie-esque villain by telling us that he’s “a large pill to be swallowed.” Really? That’s not even worth a cheap dick joke. Anyhow, he owns a salon in Nashville called “Posh” and makes sure to tell us that there’s a “huge air of arrogance” about him. I agree, and it is centered mostly in his lips. Those things are insane and I suspect he must do drag on the weekends when not annoying people with his fabulously oversized pillishness. Oh, and we can all suck it if we don’t like him. I suck it anyways, so whatever, I dub thee Jonny TrannyLips.

Anyhow, his air-o-gance causes our Sassy Black Girlâ„¢ to speak up (and also re-use one of Bitchy Charlie’s opening lines) saying that “It’s gon’ be a bloodbath, somebody’s goin’ home in a body bag, and it ain’t gon’ be me!” TrannyLips looks excited that somebody else here speaks his language. In any case, meet Faatemah…

…and her Dimples of Deathâ„¢…

Girl, WHY the extra ‘a’??!? Was that really necessary? ‘Cuz you know now all I can call you is Fatty-Ma, right? Oh well, Fatty says although she doesn’t live in NYC or L.A. (she lives in my former hometown of Minneapolis!) she’s never out of her league, and she’s not afraid of anybody in the competition, “They can call me when I’m famous.”…

…”I ain’t callin’ shit, dis bitch done fucked up my hair!”…

Fatty-Ma is talking mighty brave, she hasn’t seen 80 in full action yet, we’ll see who’s not afraid later on. Back to Cameltoe, who’s keeping track of all the places everybody’s from, “Okeh, so we god London, we god Unideh Stayys, whadelse we god heer?” That’s when this chick pipes up “Simi Valley!”…

…based on her Minnie Mouse ensemble I’d say that’s not even on our planet…

The other stylestants are all looking at each other like “Oh shit, we’re all gonna be sleeping with our eyes open!”, and that’s how we’re introduced to Brig. Naturally her answer just served to confuse Cameltoe (who only has the vaguest notion of where California is, much less a place like Simi Valley) but BrigaDumbass here thinks she’s being quirky and fun as she proudly explains Simi Valley is only 30 minutes from L.A & Hollywood, and yet still remote and backwards: “Y’know we just got a mall three years ago!”…

…which is naturally where she set up shop, between the donut shop and the liquor mart…

She says a bunch of other stuff, none of which is worth repeating, it basically boils down to her jumping up and down waving her flabby arms and shouting: “I’m so wacky / crazy / quirky / weird / non-conformist / fun / grating / annoying / irritating / country girl / underdog / not understanding why random people want to stab me in the neck every day…”…

…and by the end of this we’re all going to wish BrigaDoofus would only appear one day every hundred years…

Now it’s time for Cameltoe to bring out The Ant… and of course she makes sure to mention that he created “dee seegnachoor look for da Poosycat Dolss”…

…cuz it’s really innovative to come up with “slutty”…

The Ant comes strutting out to tell them all how nervous they should be, and Jonny TrannyLips makes sure to interview what an asshole he is, “He’s gonna hate me, cuz I don’t like him!” Girl, please, he doesn’t even know you’re alive, yet! Anyhow, The Ant is all blah blah blah I’m not afraid to say mean things yadda yadda yadda Pussycat Dolls yakkety yakkety yak wish I still had my own show bullshit bullshit bullshit. Let’s meet someone else. How about this girl?…

…and her starving-ass arms…

This is Amy, and she’s originally from England, but lives and works in Toronto, Canada where she owns 3 salons and her own scissor company and apparently never gets a lunch break. Damn, at 25 this bitch has her shit together! Of course this means I hate her and therefore I’m going to call her Amyrexia.

Wellnow, it’s time for their very first Shortcut Challenge (similar to a QuickFire in Top Chefese) and Cameltoe says their clients today are ready to make a drastic change, and in walks…

…*gasp* It’s the PoosyCat Dolls, and they’re tired of looking slutty!…

No, actually that’s a bunch of random “punk” chicks, and Cameltoe says they’re looking for a more “refined” look. I’d say try using shampoo for starters, I can smell some of that hair from here. BrigaDouche is just aghast at how much these ladies’ hair is “crying for help”, calling it “flammable” and “lethal” and “atrocious”…

…ok, so not only does Simi Valley have a dearth of malls, apparently they’re also short on both mirrors and self-awareness…

Yeah, I’d say the lady with urine-colored hair should shut it before one of these roller-derby chicks gives her a hard elbow in the tits. And sorry, but I no longer believe this bunch is the “best of the best”. Anyhow, that’s the ShortCut Challenge today: Transform Punky Looks Into Sophisticated Styles. This is gonna be a snap for our next stylestant Janine, because she claims she “does” a lot of this kind of clientelé in Hollywood…

…and Janine neglects to clarify if she means she does their hair or has sad depressed-lesbian sex with them for money…

Why is everyone on this show trying to look like Madonna circa 1984? It’s scaring me cuz that’s when Madonna was fat (and I only say that because according to current standards “1984 healthy” = “2010 Blimparella”) and wore lingerie over all her clothes, and nobody wants to see someone stuffing a ruffled skirt into a pair of lacy panties, do they? I fear it may be on the horizon with this crew. What were we talking about? OH yeah, Miz Garofalo there. The only other thing I can say about her is that she claims to be only 28…

…maybe it’s just her Ma Ingalls wardrobe, but I’m not buying it…

She looks like she could also use some Activia. And Boniva. Cameltoe says they’ll have 2 hours to do the transformation and The Ant says he’ll be judging them on technical skill, creativity and the overall transformation (i.e., how much they can make them look like the PoosyCat Dolls)…

…anybody have a wand on them?…

Before they can get started, they have to choose scissor boxes (this is the SG version of the Top Chef knife block) to determine the order they’ll get to choose their client. You know everybody’s gonna be dying to get their hands on Hot Pink Lady there. So who landed lucky number one? This girl…

… *gasp* It’s Doctor Yang!…

Kidding! Sandra Oh is Korean-Canadian and this girl’s name is Arzo and she’s an Afghani who owns a salon in San Francisco. She says her aunts and her mom are all hairdressers, so she believes hairdressing is in her blood…

…much like I suspect that being a member of The Jets is also in her blood…

Ohhh, how I miss The Jets (♪ how did you know ♪ ‘cuz I never told ♪ you found out ♪ I’ve got a crush! on! you! ♪). But it’s hard to make any money in a singing group when there are 427 members to split the cash with. Anyhow, back to Arz-Oh, she decides to head straight for a woman who looks like a 1971 Olivia Newton-John…

…whose hair got caught in the wash with one red sock…

The stylestants all sort through the rest of these tragic ladies (and wow, Fatty-Ma actually chose to go with Miss Pink Lady) and unfortunately Amyrexia landed the scissor-box with the number 12 inside of it, so she’s stuck with this chick…

…I’d have two words for Little Miss Sunshine here: buzz cut. …

Yeah, how do you make white-people dredlocks smooth and sophisticated? Other than by turning them into ashes? Amyrexia’s got a hard cornrow to hoe. The Ant gives them their two hours and they’re off! Let’s meet another one of the guys with way too much curly hair…

…and a scary fascination with Jonny’s TrannyLips…

This is Brian, and he loftily proclaims that he looks “beyond the pages of Vogue magazine” and instead he’s cast his eyes toward “indigenous cultures and history books” for his hair-inspiration…

…Great. Like Native American culture hasn’t been raped enough by crazy white people…

And really, it’s a shame that we don’t have more people who want to bring back historical styles like the severe bun. I suspect Brian is not of this time or space, therefore I shall call henceforth call him Brialien (pronounced BRAY-lee-un). He’s also working with a pink-haired monsterella who spells pepto-bismolic-trouble. Also, could just one of these guys know how to use a razor? I thought dirty stubble went out with grunge rock!

Perhaps I wished too hard, because our next stylestant is Matthew from Denver, and he is certainly clean-shaven…

…Congratulations. Now you look like a lesbian. …

He’s also very impressed with himself and says that he’s done “all the covers of all the magazines” (wow, really?… even Cat Fancy and Horse & Hound?) and instead of listing some of them he says that we can just Google him to find out more info…

…ok, remember, you asked us to…

I am loving how insanely cocky these people are! Jack-A-’Mo’s back to try and one up Mattbian’s bragging by telling us he’s worked with every celebrity in the world, every supermodel, every wealthy queen and king… “I tell you, God gave me a gift and i just do it!”…

…OK Jesus, maybe it’s time to heal thyself…

Why is it that a lot of so-called “celebrity” hairdressers have the fugliest hair ever? I may rant about The Ant and what an insufferable boogerface he is, but at least I can say he looks sharp whenever you see him. Unlike our last stylestant, Joey…

…who’s still trying to perfect his Spicoli after all these years…

Joey’s aptly named, he’s an Aussie (but not responsible for the Sprunch Sprayâ„¢) who insists that he’s the 3rd place hairdresser in the world and that he “loiks hees wurk to bey laoud and to stind aout, to bey broight and voibrant”, but he’s not altogether sure that his style is going to appeal to the American market or not…

…well thanks, Joey, but we’ve already had the Bowl Cut, the Gumby Fade and the Asymmetrical Jewfro here in America…

Well, if one of the challenges turns out to be a Bobby Brown video shoot, Joey Spicoli will win for sure! Anyhow, now that the first official Short-Cut Challenge is underway (and we’ve finally met all of our stylestants) it’s time for everybody to start freaking out as they realize two hours is not nearly enough time to fix fucked-up hair like this. Also, have you ever been curious about how some of these people get their hair to stay that way?…

…I guess it’s nice to know you can always easily pick up more hair product at Staples…

Seriously, it’s insane for some of these people to expect that they can be transformed into sophisticated ladies in two hours when they’ve clearly spent the last 10 years being anything but. On the other hand, they’ve all signed a release form, so this is what they get!…

…a buttload of Fatty-Ma’s confidence…

There are exactly 13 minutes left when she says this. Poor Pink Lady, you’re gonna wind up looking like RuPaul’s tampon. Meanwhile, Amyrexia’s been working like mad with her dredlocked girl to cut off all the crap and give her some semblance of a human head, so she’s going with an asymmetrical cut herself. This causes Fatty-Ma to bitchily scoff in Amyrexia’s direction (to herself, natch!) “Oh, here we go, there’s always someone that has to bust out the asymmetrical bob, it’s one of the easiest cheats in hairdressing!” Well, raaawr, Fatty! It’s not as easy a cheat as, say, playing with your client’s hair for nearly two hours and deciding to just pin it up in the last 10 minutes. Also, in case they’ve forgotten, last year’s winner (Lesbiana Dee) pretty much did nothing but asymmetrical bobs the entire season. Even when she had guys in her chair.

Hey, just in case you forgot about BrigaLoon and how amazingly wacky and fun-loving she is, here’s what she’s up to…

…practicing her St. Vitus dance…

Meanwhile, Garofalo is totally in the weeds, and wait till you see what she wound up doing to her client. Time’s up! Let the tears begin! First up is Arz-Oh…

…wow, Olivia Newton-John into Julianne Moore?…

The Ant thinks it’s modern, and likes the new color, and I must say I agree. Next is Jack-A-’Mo…

…and he tamed the evil blonde bangs!…

…followed by Garofalo’s victim client…

…Oooh, yuh, ev’ryteeng she do to yoo, yuh okeh…

So basically Garofalo took her from being a Gluey Mace-Headâ„¢ to Miss Swan in just over 2 hours. The Ant says he saw where she was going initially with the cut, but obviously she lost her way. It doesn’t help when he points out that she’s left edging and lines in the bangs and the sides of the bob as well. TrannyLips helpfully adds “It looked like a brown Speed Racer helmet!” Poor Janine! And these are her regular kinda clients, too! Or were anyhow.

Let’s move on to the rawkin’ ApRebel…

…Hey there Donna Pescow, where have you been?…

The Ant says he preferred Donna with dark hair rather than this Bonnie-Franklin-in-One-Day-At-A-Time red, but thinks ApRebel did okay on the cut. And at least Donna still has both ears intact. Time for Joey Spicoli’s work…

…she went from being a burnt-out flourescent bulb to a black-light…

My jaw just hits the fucking floor and cracks in 47 places when I hear The Ant tell Spicoli “This is what you call a very cool mullet!” How did this guy ever get on TV? There is no such thing as a free lunch. Or a “cool mullet”. Believe me, as a child of the 80′s I speak from bitter experience.

Well, let’s see how our carrrazayyy girl BrigaDipshit did with her girl (now that she’s calmed down from her hairspray high)…

…this is what “de-fun-ified” looks like…

I suspect that BrigaDork can’t stand for anyone else to look quirkier or wackier than her, so she sabotaged this poor girl. The Ant calls her out for having used “a lot of hardware” in the ‘do that’s meant to camouflage all the things she didn’t like about her finished styling. She just makes kooky faces at him in return because she’s the underdawwwwwwg!

How did our Jonny TrannyLips do today?…

…besides giving us Raggedy Ann…

Lip piercings are awesome because you can use them to make people believe you have a giant weeping cold sore and then they will stay far, far away from you. If a solitary existence is what you’re after. Anyhow, Cameltoe axes TrannyLips how he thinks he did, and of course he’s all “She’s still a roller-derby girl… but I could also see it with, like, a Chanel pantsuit!” The Ant’s dubious about the pantsuit part (anybody but the Golden Girls would be, too) but thinks it’s a good job. Tranny tucks his dick (further up) between his legs and retreats with his smidgeon of praise. I love how he made it out like he was gonna be all sassy to The Ant and he just wound up kissing his ass.

Time for Miss Smarty-Farty Fatty-Ma…

…Wait. Which one is the “before”?…

The Ant Man says it would have looked really great if Fatty had tried something innovative, like making it into an asymmetrical bob! KIDDING, he just says it’s really messy, especially when he knows she was going for a “vintage vibe”. Did she even do anything to that chick’s hair at all besides pin it up and talk shit about everybody else’s work? Weak, girlfriend.

Speaking of weak, check out the Brialien’s mega-transformation…

…Welcome to the 40′s, Rosie the Angry Riveter!…

Brialien says he took one look at his model and noticed her “Who farted?-face” and that she couldn’t even look him in the eyes. Honestly I think that might just be how her face naturally looks. But then I get a closer look and no, she’s pissed that she wasted so many packets Pink Lemonade Kool-Aid coloring her hair that morning only to wind up as an Andrews Sister.

Aaaaand speaking of girl-groups, 80 managed to hack out a new Shirelle…

…considering he started with an old Magenta…

80 himself says his work was average, but then blames his girl’s overprocessed hair and complains that he had to cut a bunch of it off because it was so “fucked”. The Ant appreciates his honesty. I’d appreciate the Ant more if he could make an expression besides bitchface.

Moving on to The Mattbian…

…How creative of him to part it on the other side. …

I guess there really wasn’t much more he could do with that chicks hair, other than shave her bald (which would have been ballsy but stupid).

Finally, our last little stylestant, Amyrexia. Did her Judge JudyDredd turn out okay?…

…Yes, once she got the giant spider off of her head…

Wow, that’s actually pretty damn good, especially the deep purple lowlights! Reward yourself with a sammich, Amy! The Ant praises it to the heavens as well, especially when they consider that no one wanted this girl, and I think she looks the best out of all of the makeovers. Of course, everybody looks like a supermodel once you wash their hair and clean up the dried puke on their clothes.

Time to find out who our Bottom 3 are! No shocker here, it’s Fatty-Ma, Brialien, and Garofalo…

…which one wishes they had done an asymmetrical bob now?…

The Top 3 are Amyrexia, Jack-A-’Mo and Arz-Oh, and of course it’s Amyrexia who wins for Defeating Dredlocks! Yay!…

…now seriously, go have a Tic-Tac at least…

Cameltoe says her prize will be first choice of models in the next day’s Elimination Challenge. With that, they’re off to their new House Of Hairapy, except this time it’s not a house, it’s a loft in some high-rise somewhere in L.A., which really sounds great until you experience your first earthquake and then you will never want to go higher than the second floor anywhere ever again.

In any case, there’s a huge spread of champagne and Sociables laid out and everybody gets down to getting hammered toasting the day’s winner, Amyrexia! Then BrigaDon’t has to ruin the moment by showcasing her lack of filters as she says how awesome it was meeting everyone today while they’re still being nice, but she wants them all to know that the reason she’s there is because she’s the “best hairstylist in the world“…

…she’s certainly nailed the title of Most Irritating In The Shortest Possible TImeâ„¢…

You can already see some of the others rolling their eyes and drinking faster. And it only gets worse the next morning because BrigaDolt thinks it’ll be cutesy to put on a gold lamé bikini and a pair of roller skates and wheel herself around making everybody queasy at the sight of her pasty non-toned bod…

…let’s all suffer together…

Naturally, she claims that she brought her skates to “throw off” her competitors with her “flash” and she confides “Everything’s a strategy!” Wow, she might be one of the stupidest people ever to come on this show (and that’s saying something when there was that chick in Season One who wanted to keep cutting people’s hair with garden shears). Someone should really break the news to BrigaDrip there that this isn’t Survivor, being annoying isn’t going to bother people enough to make them forget their haircutting skills. It’s easy enough for the others to avert their eyes to rolling fug, and voila! Problem solved. Of course, Jack-A-’Mo has to egg her on by slapping her ass, which proves his Kenny-G ‘do is seriously impairing his vision.

Back in the Shear Genius Salon, Cameltoe is ready to introduce them to their new mentor and guide, Orlando Pita…

…no, I’m not going to make a bread joke, I’m better than that…

Mattbian is making blowjobface and everybody else is orgasming because apparently Orlando Pita is like the Madonna of the Hair World. And apparently he’s styled Madonna, too. Yeah, but really, who hasn’t at this point? Anyhow, Pita’s work looks like he uses tons of really long extensions and a lot of fans to blow them everywhichway. Someday he’s gonna accidentally strangle one of his models doing that shit and then he’ll be sorry.

So for their Elimination Challenge they’ll be styling hair for a fake-runway show (what else do you call it when it’s put on strictly for the benefit of your own judges and some random warm bodies dragged into the studio?) for a swimwear line called Al’s Face. Oh, I’m sorry, it’s actually L*Space (Cameltoe’s Engrish really sucks, y’all) and the models all walk out on the runway carrying little bags that have the entire outfit they’ll be wearing in the show…

…I like to call this one “Skidmark Camouflage”…

Yes, the girls will only be wearing bikini bottoms, and the stylestants have to give them a style that will cover their boobs up! All the gay guys look at each other and snickergiggle over this development. BrigaDull thinks it’s super-exciting to see “a little boobie and some nip!” on the runway, “Who doesn’t like that?!” she asks. Suddenly no one can hear her speaking anymore over the sudden wind created by millions of female and gaymale hands shooting up into the air.

Well, the winner gets immunity (natch!) and Amyrexia gets to pick her model first. She makes sure to go with one that has a lot of hair already. I would have gone for the most flat-chested and just told everybody she was a boy and styled her hair however the hell I wanted to, but that’s just because I’m lazy. The rest of the stylestants all grab a bikini top from out of a bag and have to match it to their model’s bottoms, and head off for their 2 hours at the salon before their final hour finishing the girls off in the runway area.

BrigaDrama’s going to use a billiion hair extensions and weave them into macramé. Did I just write that sentence? This could be interesting, especially if she makes the holes too big and winds up showing “nip” to the judges. Kim Vo will make blonde poo in his panties. Meanwhile, 80′s big plan was to put a couple of wefts of hair extensions over his model’s nipples (he thinks that’s being sexy) while Amyrexia’s attempting to make an entire bikini top out of hair-braids…

…which looks just as busted as it sounds…

I’m unclear as to why she just made one giant sloppy-ass braid instead of making several smaller ones and weaving those together. Perhaps because this is not a situation that calls for an asymmetrical bob? I’d hate for Fatty-Ma to be right about her. Joey Spicoli’s making this weird foam ring around his model’s neck and covering it with fire-red hair, which makes Pita come by and warn him “Make sure it looks like a hairstyle and not like she’s just wearing a necklace.”…. Yeah, except that’s exactly what it looks like. This “show” is going to be awesome, and before we know it time’s up!

Hey, they even have a DJ spinning cool tunes at this “runway show” which means TrannyLips has to put on her sunglasses to avoid paparazzi glare (that isn’t there)!…

…Cheapest. Show. Ever. …

I bet the DJ turntables aren’t even plugged in to anything and that guy’s just pretend-wikki-wikki-ing away on his air-records. Cameltoe comes out wearing a purple bedsheet (clearly designed by Miss Ping-Pong over at Project Runway) and kicks off the show by introducing Kim Vo, The Ant and today’s “guess jodge”…

…is that a wig?…

How is a swimsuit designer going to judge good hair? And how do you become a swimsuit designer where there’s really only so many ways to make a bikini? I mean, you cover the tits and the vahjine and you’re done, right? Oh well, here we go, starting with the Mattbian…

…who obviously misses the old Whitney as much as the rest of us do…

That is just the beginning of the ridiculousness (Kim Vo whispers to The Ant “I think she was my prom date!”) and here’s what Fatty-Ma, Garofalo and ApRebel came up with…

…A Cinnabon stuck to a boob, an exploded Twiggy and Mall Bangs…

Wow, this is a really stupid challenge. Because really, how many ways are there to cover boobs with hair (unless you can grow it there naturally like I do)? It’s like everybody wanted to go back to the 80′s all at once and I’m smelling Aqua-Net everywhere.

Jee. Zus. It only gets worse. Look at Jack-A-’Mo, Brialien, and especially Amyrexia’s crazy shit…

…this time it’s Bambi Bimbette, Bride of Frankenstein and Bed Head!…

Amyrexia’s braid-bra is the worst, you can see the tape she used and it completely fell down in the back. How embarrassing for her after she chose this chick!

Time for TrannyLips, 80′s, Joey Spicoli and Arz-Oh’s hoes…

…Smurf-Ho, Male Hormone-Ho, Flaming-Ho and Poofy-Ho…

TrannyLips knows that blue-haired shit is rotted, but he comforts himself with the knowledge that it’s not the worst style parading down the runway. Sadly he’s right, because 80′s girl looks like he just backteased her and you can still see her nipples through that hair dickey he’s slapped onto her, which he keeps insisting to us is really sexy. If you’ve ever licked the chest of a hairy man (and I suspect some of you out there actually have) then you know how much fun it is to keep coughing up those chest hairs hours later. Just looking at 80′s’ girl is making my throat itchy.

Moving on, Joey Spicoli is horrified when his model (and her life-preserver made of extensions) start doing a sexy bump-n-grind. I think that girl knows she’s in the bottom and was hoping to salvage it by admitting this is just soft-core porn. For me, Arz-Oh’s the only one in this bunch whose giant poof surprisingly doesn’t look so bad. It still sucks, but to quote TrannyLips, it wasn’t “the most jacked-up thing that walked down that runway!”

Speaking of jacked-up, I am going to hate myself for admitting this later…

…but I thought this was BrigADelicious!…

Honestly, that was the cleverest use of the hair I saw out of everybody’s same-old-tired-ass-let’s-bring-the-hair-straight-down-from-the-sides-to-cover-the-boobs variations (with the exception of Amyrexia’s braid-bra, but that was in a Universe of Craptacular all it’s own). BTW, did anybody even notice there were swimsuits supposedly on display here? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Back at the Shear Genius Salon, it turns out that Mattbian, TrannyLips, Fatty-Ma, Brialien, Arz-Oh, and Jack-A-’Mo are all mediocre at best, and will be spared further scrutiny. None of them complain as they leave the room, which is quite telling.

Once they’re gone, they want to know what in the blubberyfuck was going on with Amyrexia’s braid-bra? Kim Vo says it was discontinued in 300 BC because “it’s a prehistoric push-up bra!” Amyrexia just stands there looking hungry. BrigADoofus, on the other hand, gets praise for her macramé plant-holder from The Ant. Monica Wise bitches that the hair overshadowed the bikini bottom (as if that wasn’t true in every single other case tonight, so I’d say Monica should just shut it).

As for Joey Spicoli, Kim Vo can’t get over the harshness of his models big red life-preserver, and says of the braid hanging down in the middle “I think she chewed off her own umbilical cord and it’s still covered by a little bit of afterbirth…”

…and surrounded by giant chunks of menses?…

Sorry, but Kim started it. Anyhow, Spicoli then makes a dick move by complaining about how his model started sashaying all over the stage like a lap dancer and Cameltoe gives it right back to him in a deadly tone, “Doan blayme joo modell!” Oh snap!

Garofalo and ApRebel get praised for their respective explosions, and then we come to 80′s ten minute pile of crap. Cameltoe states the obvious about being able to clearly see “both neepuls” and 80 tries to brush that off by just repeating that he thought it looked sexy. Yeah, that kinda ignores the fact that the crux of the whole challenge was to, you know, cover the damned things. Dumbfuck.

Then The Ant snippily mentions that the weft of hair-extensions 80 wrapped around the model’s neck in 2.4 seconds to cover her tits (after his initial hairy-nipple strategy failed) is completely unchanged out of the box, “That’s how you buy it, that’s how it comes! My 3 year old child can do that! I think you know that it’s not great.” 80 is sputtering and insists that he defends his (shitty) work and that he’s “cool for cats” with it. Huhwha?!? Does that mean he thinks it’s awesome that he was too lazy to take the angular bends out of the weft-wiring and round them off?

Cameltoe dismisses them while they deliberate, and immediately 80 mutters “Fucking hell!” under his breath and stomps out of the room ahead of everyone else. When he gets back into the Salon area, he flies into a rage and starts kicking shit around while calling the judges “Wankers!”. I’ve always thought that was a stupid insult, anyhow. Let he or she who has never touched themselves in a pleasurable manner get started right away, you’re seriously missing out on some awesomely fun stuff!

They call everyone back in and the Top Three are ApRebel, BrigAPoon and Garofalo, and tonight’s winner of the temporary title of Shear Genius… for her creation of the Lion King Of The Sea, it’s Garofalo!!!

…she just caught a whiff of BrigABoo’s UrineHair…

Yay for her, she gets immunity, now go take off that Little House On The Prairie dress and put something from this century on, K? You’re on TV now. Oh, and here’s the results of tonight’s Viewer Poll…

…4. Watching repeats of Blow Out -97%…

We’re back! Naturally the Bottom Three are Amyrexia, Joey Spicoli and Anger-Management 80 there. Amyrexia gets sent back to safety and then Cameltoe pulls a fakeout by calling 80′s name and telling him he’s safe! I don’t believe it! That shit was way worse than Spicoli’s Tampon Placenta Girl! It’s really too bad…

…I was curious to see when he might actually wash his own hair…

Oh well, back to Oz with you, Mr. Joey-Roo! And there we have our first episode of the new season, in which there will be much screaming and yelling and bitchy behavior and at some point 80 throws another tantrum and breaks more stuff! Yay for meth-rage!

What did you guys think of this episode? Was that about the dumbest Elimination Challenge ever? Can you believe the bad hair on some of these guys? Will I ever be able to fully understand Cameltoe? And am I the only one who thinks it sucks that there’s no more Jaclyn Smith? Boo.

love, J-Mo