Shear Genius: I’m Goin’ Back, Back, Back To My Roots

What’s up, people? You know how Cameltoe always ends each episode this season with her silly little tagline, “Hair is impotent“? Well, we all know she’s really trying to say “important” but the letter R just isn’t her friend. Anyhow, on tonight’s episode of Shear Genius we’re going to be reminded once again that the hair really isn’t all that important on this show, being super-popular is. Also, Diana Ross is part of the inspiration for tonight’s challenges, which is always fun. It’s too bad that the film Mahogany is the chosen reference point in her career, though. Make no mistake, Miss Ross is a superstar, and she will always be remembered for her iconic hairstyles…

…just not for this one…

Although, could you totally see BrigADoyouknowwhereyouregoingto doing that to someone’s head? I mean, for all we know PretzelHeadâ„¢ could be the new “Rachel” ‘do for this season! In any case, we’re winding down towards the end of what I fear will be the last season of this show, and the shit-talking and high-school-hatred is only going to get worse from here on out. Prepare to regress to 6th grade with me after the jump!…Let’s get it started. You know what else I miss about Jaclyn Smith?…

…she didn’t pull shit like this…

What in the name of Blazing Assmasters is that wig supposed to be? I mean, besides tasteless. Is anybody finding this kind of thing lending credibility to Cameltoe’s position as a “judge” on this show? Anyone? Anyone? Put your hand down, Matthew McConaughey, your opinion doesn’t count here.

Anyhow, upon entering the SG Salon today, the five remaining stylestants come upon the following sight…

…five contestants from Models Of The Runway?…

Ah, that’s impossible. Those hangers are way too fat. Garofalo gets one good look at the dresses and surmises that they are “pretty teen-y and really sparkly” so today’s challenge must be having to do with “a younger up-styling” which makes her excited because she’s aaaaaall about younger…

…”Get off my lawn.”…

First things first, let’s tell MattBian how awesome it is that he won last week and got his actress’ headshot put up on the Allure Wall Of Lameâ„¢…

…and then let’s cover most of it up with ads for shows where the mutual hatred is far more interesting…

Great, now that that’s out of the way, Cameltoe says that their Shortcut Challenge clients today are on the verge of starting a new chapter in their lives…

…and please, stylestants, let’s not make it an ugly one…

Oh Lord, they’ve brought out the Big Guns… black hair. In all seriousness, if there’s any group of people who tend to take their hair very seriously, it’s African-Americans. Movies have been made about it, songs have been written about it and yet it seems like there is still an awful lot of ignorance out there about black hair…

…If you think this kind of thing doesn’t happen any more, think again…

…and this kind of thing isn’t helping…

Look who’s trying to cover up their severe bowel cramps over today’s challenge!…

…and wishes mightily that it was a drag-queen challenge instead…

Yawn TrannyLips says that he’s only ever done hair on two African-American ladies in his entire 20-year career, “I’m kinda fuckin’ sweating right now.” Girl, you should be! And I’m wondering if those two girls sued. Anyhow, Cameltoe says these young ladies have just graduted from high school and they want to update their “high-school hair” into a look appropriate for “a formal event”. I guess that’s how you have to put it when your hostess can’t say the word “prom” properly. At the end of this horribly long (and thoroughly uncomfortable to listen to) speech, she lets them in on the big secret that this challenge is all about dealing with a “specific hair texture… African-American hair”. Then she smiles evilly at them…

…and would have no doubt cackled “Mwuhahahahaha!” at them if she could pronounce it…

OK, so is that what that wig of hers is supposed to be representing today? African-American hair? Because a.) it’s very 80′s and b.) it looks thirsty and c.) it seems more jew-fro-ey than Afro. Plus, I’ve seen sexier mop-heads that had dirt and bugs and cigarette butts stuck in them. In a word: wrong.

Well, never fear, because the Goddess Of Black Hair is here today to be their Guest Judge, Miss Kimberly Kimble…

…notice the five very relieved faces…

You may remember Miss Kim-B-Kimble from this past season of Tabatha’s Salon Takeover because she was Tabatha’s wing(wo)man for the big shakeup at Eclectic Salon in L.A. Kimmy has worked on Beyoncé and Mary J. Blige, and hopefully will soon get her hands on Whitney Houston.

BrigATonihomeperm says the Kimblinator has more knowledge of “this genre of hair” than anyone and admits that she’s “culturally hair challenged” so let’s all hope she doesn’t try to give her girl a Gumby Fade. Kimmy-Kim admonishes them to really understand the texture of the hair so they can manipulate it and get it to do what they want…

…or she will be happy to string each and every one of them up by their nipples…

Naturally, this is the cue for Garofalo to claim that she is just super experienced with African-American hair and she proudly tells us that she “did Little Kim’s hair for awhile.” Three things are wrong with this: 1.) I apologize, but I absolutely cannot see Miss Prairie Punk as being any kind of black-hairstyling magnet in Los Angeles, and 2.) she actually pronounced the “t”s in “Little” and as everyone knows, it’s supposed to be “Li’l”, and 3.)…

…when is the last time you saw Li’l Kim wearing anything but a wig?…

Whatever, if Garofalo wants to think of herself as a short, white, old, evil version of Kimmy Kimble, let her. Let’s get to the client pairing! I wish they would have done like they did last week and let the clients pick the stylestant, it would have been funny to watch MattBian come in last place again, but instead the stylestants are going to pick a prom dress, and they’ll be paired with the girl whom it belongs to. And BrigALotto actually gets to go first for a change! She heads straight for the short gold and silver sequined number, hoping for an equally sassy sistah…

…substitute “scared shitless” for “sassy” and I think we’ve got a match!…

Of course this means that MattBian has to complain and whine because BrigADoobie took his first choice, he wanted the one with all the sequins, so waaaaah, instead he takes the seafoam green babydoll and rustily squeals in it’s owner’s ear about how happy he is to have her. Her ears are now bleeding so I doubt she feels the same.

Garofalo’s next, followed by TrannyLips, and Brialien’s the last to go, and is stuck with the other seafoam green dress, only this one is the long one with the high bejeweled empire waist, which he says reminds him of Ancient Rome or Ancient Greece, so he’s got some wacky ideas already percolating up under that mass of curls. He better, because they’ve added the “client satisfaction clause” back in for this ShortCut. So, sorry to you Asian girls from last week, I guess nobody gave a shit about whether or not you were satisfied with stars and moons and triangles cut into your head. It’ll only take, what, ten or eleven months to grow out enough hair to cover them up again? It’ll fly by, you’ll see!

Cameltoe says once again that the winner gets first choice of client for the Elimination Challenge (I guess asking for an actual prize would have strained the nonexistent budget, but couldn’t they have at least tried to make it interesting, like, “The winner gets to bitchslap a stylestant of their choice.”?) and they only have 90 minutes to complete their looks. They are extremely lucky these girls already have pre-straightened hair, I can only imagine the screams and the tears if they had added that part into the challenge.

Guess what? This is BrigADos’ second time styling black hair! I hope that she didn’t tell her client that, the girl is probably terrorized enough already…

…your stylist having a floppy captain’s hat and nuclear yellow chola-weave will do that to you…

She says she’s planning on faking it, so she’s convinced her sweet young innocent charge that with her round face (which we all know is another way of saying “you’re kind of a cow”) she’d do well to “elongate” by going with a high hairstyle. This way BrigABoo can hide all of the girl’s slicked back natural hair under a hairpiece, and then do whatever she likes to the fake hair on top. Like maybe dye it brilliant yellow and put Rice Krispies in it. What? I’m hungry.

Meanwhile, under the category of Answers To Questions I Asked A Few Weeks Ago, Brialien admits that when he was younger he had the opportunity to go to beauty school, but ultimately he decided not to because he “didn’t feel secure” with his “own self”. Which we all know means “I was afraid someone might think I took it up the ass. A little. And that maybe I liked it. A lot.” However now he wants to impart the message to these young women that they can do anything they set their minds to…

…”Plus, you know, taking it up the ass is a valuable skill to have as well.”…

Speaking of ass, let’s check in with Garofalo. She wants to do something glamorous and fun for her client, so she suggests using black music icon Gwen Stefani as an inspiration. She claims the girl instantly knows exactly what hairstyle she’s talking about, and tells her that she’d love to have it…

…you just can’t get any more Afro-centric than this…

I have no clue what Stefanistyle she’s referring to, because she’s tacking on a giant braid to the side of the girl’s head. The only braided styles I can find with Gwen in them are hot challah-bread messes, and I somehow doubt that’s what she’s going for.

Back over at Brialien’s Joint, he cleverly shows that he knows his way around his black hair because he’s busily smoothing out the edges on his client, telling us he can do it with either a pressing comb, a flat-iron or a blow-dryer and boar’s hair brush. I’m impressed, especially since he’s usually so ditzy and tends to drift off into talking about Ancient Mayan or Laotian Hill People hair. You would think that more non-black stylists would learn how to work with black hair so that they could, you know, maybe get more customers? The kind that could pay them? With money?

Oh boy, here comes Mama Kimmy-Kim to check in, starting with BrigADealio, who sounds positively timid as she tentatively lays out her plan for a “high-fashion” up-do with lots and lots of forehead and height to it. Kim takes one look at the teased-out explosion of hair on top of the girl’s head and flat-out asks “So, how did you achieve thisssss…” and then she’s at a loss for words…

…I’d bet dollars to donuts that “piece of shit” is the phrase she was reaching for…

Naturally, BrigADoink’s nerves take over, so she blurts out “Well, right now it’s a hot mess!” which doesn’t impress Kimmy-Poo much, and the poor client looks like she’s woken up in hell. Still, BrigADiddle insists that it’s still going to have a lot of texture, but it will also be a lot more “sculpted” when she gets done with it. Kimmy just kind of gives her the side-eye and moves on.

Garofalo’s next, and she’s so happy to tell Kimmy-Kim about her Gwen Stefani thing, and how Gwen Stefani-esque it’s gonna look, and how her client is such a huh-yooge Gwen Stefani fan…

…as evidenced by her thrilled expression…

You know, taking a closer look, I’m not seeing so much Gwen Stefani as I am…

…Folger’s Mrs. Olsen and her mountain grown coffee…

It’s the richest, most aromatic kind of hairstyling, I guess. Kimmy-Poo wants to know how Garofalo attached the challah-bread braid, and she gives this complex explanation and then looks hurt when Kimmy doesn’t look stunned or impressed with her technique. It’s like she was expecting a high-five, or a “raise the roof”, or a “Go on, girlfriend!” embellished with some snaps and headrolls. Except Kim-squared isn’t like that, she just said thanks and moves on to TrannyLips.

Ohhh, TrannyLips. When Mama Kimmy-Kim asks you a question it’s best not to run on at your freakishly large-lipped mouth so much…

…screw the larger lips, he’s about to need a larger mouth…

So he’s explaining to Kimmy-Poo that his girl’s dress flows and he doesn’t want her hair to look severe or have a clunky heavy bang, “You know, like B.A.P.S!!” Aaaaaand insert swishy gay cringing foot in puffy-lipped mouth now, because Kimmy-Kim recoils as though struck and says “Heyyyy, I worked on B.A.P.S!”…

…I’m sure the client’s thought bubble begins with “Oooooooooooooooh?”…

TrannyLips tries to quickly recover by lying and saying “Well, I know, and it was amazing hair!”…

…Yes, I’m almost positive that Kimmy puts this film’s hair credit prominently on her resumé…

With 15 minutes left Kimmy calls out that she absolutely wants to see smooth hair with no frizz, and MattBian’s getting more and more frantic because he knows she’s talking about him. Meanwhile, here’s what BrigADeadbolt’s girl looks like…

…dazed and confuse…

Naturally this is Garofalo’s cue to snot, “I don’t think Brig’s ever done African-American hair. Her style showed that, she hid all the girl’s hair!” Yes, it would have been much better for her to hammer her client into a Scandinavian style inspired by a lily-white musician from Orange County and wrap a giant fake braid around her head! In other words, how about worrying about stepping in your own shit, K Garofalo?

Time is called and the girls run off crying to go put their formal dresses on. We’re about to see just how well BrigADuplicity was able to fake it…

…My stars! Isn’t that a pretty dress!…

This is the first time (supposedly) that Sasha (her client) is seeing her hair. They ask her what she thinks and she says “I li– I love it! It’s so… different!” Well, her lips may be saying she “loves” it…

…but her eyes are saying “I look like that famous scene in the movie Scanners!”…

So what does Mama Kimmy-Kim think? Welp, for starters she says the texture is a bit rough, she would have smoothed Sasha out a lot bit more, and she thinks it’s a little bit “too high fashion” for a formal event, she would have “toned it down a bit”. The Tiresome Twosome are both eating this shit up…

…buncha smugholes…

Garofalo continues to spew, “Kimberly’s comments on it were dead-on. I couldn’t have said it better myself.” I’m sure Kim Kimble is utterly relieved you agree with her O Great White Black Hair Hope Of Hollywood. Besides, it’s time to see how well her bestbian did…

…pretty good… for 1987…

So what does Nadie think of her new dated-ass hairstyle? “I like it.” Bless her heart, she’s a retro soul and she does look pretty cute, but that’s more because of her face than what MattBian did to her hair, and I kid you not, this is exactly the kind of style a good chunk of the girls had when I was in high school in the late 80′s…

…come to think of it, my prom date might have worn that same dress…

Cameltoe claims it looks very elegant, and Kimmy-Poo agrees and likes the coloring he did on it, but “because of puffiness and the texture it makes it look a little bit dated…” She also thinks he needed to smooth it down more and give it a much slicker finish. You know, I’d say Kimberly’s comments were dead-on. I couldn’t have said it better myself. Oh wait, yes I could have: You ain’t winning today, so suck it MattBian. And word to your mother, homoboy.

It would have been perfect if BrigADribble would have just shut up, but naturally she can’t, so she cackles that MattBian gave Nadie her mom’s hairstyle, “It just looked like a style you’d see on a 40-year-old woman.” Heyyy, watch it with the 40+ women cracks there, BrigADiesel, I just recently became one! Sorta.

Let’s move on to Garofalo’s girl…

…Congratulations. You’ve got half a Princess Leia…

Coincidentally, Garofalo’s young lady is named after the home perm my mommy used to use (Toni) and when she sees her hair she giggles and says “That don’t even look like me! I love this!” Mama Kimmy says the style is age-appropriate (yes, for a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away) and she likes both the finish and the gold band running through the braid. Awww, Garofalo scrunchies up her nosie like she’s Meggie Ryan or something and squeaksies “We had fuuuuunnnnn!”…

…”We’re like sisters from another mister!”…

A’ight girl, don’t get stupid now. You know, it’s quite interesting to hear Garofalo saying how happy it makes her to help Toni look so good because “Teenage girls are so hard on themselves and each other” She’s so caught up in the Spirit Of Sistahoodâ„¢ that she claims she doesn’t even care if she wins the challenge or not (make no mistake: she cares). I guess this profession of solidarity and promoting positive self-image and Girl Power only applies to fresh young teenagers that Garofalo likes, because she sure as hell is dedicated to the equally ironic and childish tearing down of full grown women her own age simply because they did something unforgivable, such as annoy her. And they happen to have a name that rhymes with “wig”.

Ugh, let’s move on to Yawn TrannyLips and his client Brittany…

…”Yay, I had a ringside seat to a TrannyLips smackdown!”…

Brittany’s a pretty cute girl, and quietly says she likes the hairstyle. These girls are so sweet to lie like that in front of the stylestants! She continues that it makes her look really different, “It makes me look older so that I don’t look like a little baby in the face.” Ruh-roh…

…eeeee, maybe you shoulda just stopped at “I like it.”…

Ah well, TrannyLips figures what the fuck, and publicly admits this is only his third time doing black hair. Kimmy-Poo’s response? “I can tell.” The texture could be smoother, it’s not polished enough, he should have maybe put a couple of curls in it and done maybe “a messy little up-do” and then she thinks it would have “made more sense”. Except we saw what she thought of BrigADookie’s “messy little up-do” so I’m not sure this critique makes a lot of sense, either.

Last in line tonight is Brialien’s client Lauren…

…All hail Hair-A, Goddess Of The Prom!…

Lauren’s reaction to her finished style seems far more genuine than the others, she says it’s exactly what she wanted. Here’s a side shot so you can see just how well Brialien worked his black hair magic…

…not fried or dyed, just laid to the side…

This girl is clearly happy, she’s calling it crazy-beautiful and says she really likes it a lot. I have to say it’s my favorite, too, and you can tell he knew what he was doing. Way to go, Brialien! So what does Kimmy-Kim think? Wellllll, she says it’s one of the better textures and finishes out of all the other girls, but she thinks the style makes Lauren look a little bit young. Also she doesn’t like the pin-curls because they remind her of how younger girls wear their hair. WTF??!?!? How can she say it makes the girl look too young???!?…

…when the hairstyle is literally centuries old??!?…

Am I the only one who took one look and thought “Ancient Rome”? I smell a fix. I also smell an asshole who’s dickishly grinning over Brialien’s royal screwing…

…don’t worry Brialien, you’re still way way wayyyyy cuter…

Someone should clue the MattBian into the fact that making squinty bitchface ages you unfairly. Trust, I oughtta know. Plus he’s looking more and more like the blonde from Team Lesbiana over on The Amazing Race every day! Only half as pretty and twice as unlikable.

So who sucked down the peace, love & hair grease this time? Kimmy-Poo says it was our BrigADippinanddappinanddunnowhatshappenin’ because she “missed the mark” on the fact that it was supposed to be a formal event and she made it too “high fashion”…

…keeping in mind this critique is coming from a woman willing to take credit for this…

As for the Top Two, that goes to Garofalo and her Scandahoovian Mrs. Olsen ‘do (no surprise there) and…. not MattBian (surprise!) Yeah, no instead the other top spot goes to Brialien and his Ancient Roman curls that made his girl look far too young. I had hope that Brialien was going to pull out a win, but nope, it’s Garofalo who wins. Woo hoo. At least Brialien is cool enough to congratulate her, which you know if it was the other way around Garofalo’d be pouting and talking shit about how stupid he is.

So now, not only does Garofalo get to have first pick of clients, she will also be pairing the other stylestants with their clients, which makes BrigADread roll her eyes, cuz she knows she’s about to get screwed, blued and tattoed. Wouldn’t it be awesome if it turned out to be a wig challenge and the actual client didn’t even matter??!? Bwahahahahaha!

Back at the HateLoft, BrigADisappeared is off somwhere doing something that will surely irritate Garofalo and MattBian (and if she’s not, she’s most certainly thinking of doing something that will surely irritate Garofalo and MattBian, so it’s just as bad). Meanwhile, Brialien sits down with the Tiresome Twosome in the living room and asks if they honestly thought her style was the absolute worst. “100% yes!” is the righteous answer he gets from Garofalo, “I could have done what she did in ten minutes!”…

Garofalo goes on to say she absolutely thinks BrigADeepend deserved to “lose” the ShortCut Challenge today (forgetting that the ShortCut means diddlyshit, so technically there were three other “losers” as well) and MattBian bitchily chimes in: “Here’s the deal with her: She has totally alienated herself and been totally weird and passive-aggressive the whole time!” Yes, because it’s passive-aggressive to make people cupcakes…

…fan favorites, anyone?…

I wish there was a way we could vote for Biggest Asshat or something. Anyhow, Brialien’s not buying into their bullshit, asking “But don’t you think it’s a game? I don’t think she’s nuts, I think she’s very smart and very… crafty.” Wow, Brialien is scaring me with his eerily accurate insights tonight! He interviews that he believes BrigADevious is just playing the game better than all of them.

I think this strikes at the heart of why Garofalo and MattBian hate her so much, as evidenced by the next comment out of Garofalo’s ratlike little yap, “But that’s the thing, I don’t like her playing the mind game on the floor, and when [she talks] shit I’m like ‘Dude, you’re mediocre at best! Like, what land are you living in right now?’”…

…the Land Of ClearlyGettingUnderYourSkinVille?…

Telling, isn’t it? It pretty much proves what Brialien said, Brig’s playing a better mental game than all of them put together, and they know it (MattBian especially since she duped him into choosing Miss PornMop in Episode Two, which was brilliant) and they’re mad as hell about it. Plus, they seem to like to shit-talk just as much as Miss BrigADee does, so cut the hypocritical crap.

Later on that same night, in a Totally-Not-Staged-Scene, Brialien, MattBian and Garofalo are gathered in a cupcake-free kitchen (which is a terrible kind of kitchen) and suddenly Garofalo wonders aloud where BrigADisappeared has gone to, marvelling at how quiet it is.

Suddenly, BrigAYawn comes charging around the corner dressed as TrannyLips and yelling out “Brig! Where are you!” She is quickly followed by Yawn wearing BrigDrag (which includes her gold bikini, wig, Minnie Mousebow, tutu, tights and roller skates) and he does what I find myself wishing I could do from afar: plows Garofalo down…

…looks like BrigADiehard hasn’t alienated everybody in the house!…

The next day everyone meets up at some unknown location where Cameltoe has now ditched her dried-out jhericurl wig in favor of a short severe bob-wig, and she introduces them to today’s guest judge whom she curiously describes as “a grimy awired weaning singah sungwhite-uh whoobe hoding an essclooseev retcarped eevend thaweelbee hoppenin heer laydur tonide!”†

† translation: “A Grammy Award winning singer/songwriter who will be holding an exclusive red carpet event that will be happening here later tonight!”

…Meet a stall! (Estelle)…

Wow, when did acid-wash jeans come back into fashion again? If I weren’t twice the size I was in high school this news would have just doubled my wardrobe. Maybe if I rip out the seams and wear a pair of jeans on each leg? Anyhow, guess who’s super-excited to see another mega-hip soul-sister that she totes identifies with? Garofalo! She’s such a huge fan! Hundred bucks says she only knows the song “American Boy”. Then again, I only know Estelle from “American Boy”. But I’m not claiming to be a superfan, either.

Anyhow Estelle’s getting ready to release a new “album” (kids, go ask your parents what those are) and she’s hosting a VIP listening party for her fans to preview her latest tracks. When I still worked at Tower Records (which was a “record store”… again, kids, ask your folks!) we used to have those a lot, and sometimes they’d be fun, and other times… well, I remember one we did for Sisqo’s second album Return Of Dragon in which after only 10 minutes the customers were begging us to play something else or just shut off the CD player entirely.

Estelle says her new album isn’t about dragons (or thongs!) at all, but instead is about her leaving London and coming to New York, and the fashions that inspired her this time around are from the late 60′s and early 70′s. She also mentions Edie Sedgwick as further inspiration along with Diana Ross in Mahogany while boiling it down to “that whole iconic Brih-ish and iconic American thing… but still a bit sexy!”…

…gee, looks like the 60′s & 70′s were kinda the inspiration the last time around as well…

Okay, Edie Sedgwick, 60′s Warhol pop art icon, I totally get it, and Diana Ross in the Supremes, 60′s pop music icon, I totally get it. But Diana Ross in Mahogany in the 70′s??!?! I must confess that for years I was completely ignorant of the film itself, I only knew that the theme song was always on in my dentist’s office and that Miss Ross had been nominated for an Oscar… for Lady Sings The Blues. It wasn’t until I was in my 30′s that I actually saw Mahogany for the first time and realized… it’s a truly terrible film.

Why do I say that? Well, besides having a completely anti-feminist message (you should give up your silly dreams of being a successful fashion designer in order to support the dreams of the man who belittled them in the first place) as well as a terrible evil-queen-with-a-peen performance by Anthony Perkins, the “fashions” themselves are damn near unholy. And some of them were supposedly designed by Diana Ross herself…

…I don’t know which ones, but that’s irrelevant, really, because they and she and the entire film are just one great big giant steaming pile of fabulousness!…

Truthfully, if you haven’t ever seen it, get your bestest friends together for Campy 70′s Movie Night and make fondue and watch it. Preferably while drunk or high and wearing platform shoes of some kind.

So, OK, these are odd choices for inspiration, but workable if you don’t take them too literally. Unfortunately that’s exactly what’s happening, because it turns out Brialien is a huge fan of The Factory and Andy Warhol, so he’s planning on creating an Edie Sedgwick come hell or high water or healthy-looking model….

…yeah, I don’t see any sickly-pale nauseated stick-thin mo–… oh wait, nevermind, black tank top…

Since Garofalo won the ShortCut, she gets to pick her client first, and she goes with the only black model in the bunch…

…wait, acid wash jeans came back and it’s cool to wear six-pack rings as accessories? Is the world coming to an end?…

Now the real fun begins, because Garofalo gets to pair everybody else up. BrigADeduction’s looking at the remaining clients and figures she’ll wind up with the girl who has the longest, thickest, curliest, frizziest hair. Now, if Garofalo had any kind of notion how to play the mental game and use this power to her advantage she would have remembered how badly BrigADarknlovely did on the prior day’s African American hair challenge and she would have assigned her the black girl. Ah, but alas, a.) she’s not smart enough and b.) she’s too busy trying to be the little white elfin version of Kimberly Kimble.

So, instead, Garofalo gives her BFF MattBian the pretty blonde, Brialien lucks out and gets the skinny-n-sickly cracky-chick (Edie away, Bri, just make sure you don’t make her into a Bouvier-Beale instead!), the tall dark-haired girl goes to TrannyLips… which leaves BrigADeadon with the shorter chunkier girl sporting 274 pounds of long dark curly frizzy hair. Yup, she sure called it.

TrannyLips then earns a little more love from me when he interviews “I think Matthew and Janine have prayed that Brig would have gone home a long time ago… but, you know, to me the thing is, keep your shit to yourself and fuckin’ realize that you’re in a competition and not everybody’s s’posed to get along!”…

…in other words: mind your own fucking business…

Ooooh, you betta preach it, Sister Lips! Testify! Mmm! In any case, they are given 90 minutes to style their clients and the most important thing they’ll be judged on is how well their styling fits into the theme of the album. With that they head on back to the SG Salon to meet up with BoreLando Peta and start their fuggifications.

Brialien’s poor client completely misunderstands his intentions at the outset…

…Yes, exactly like that, only less coherent…

He explains that he wants to make her into Edie Sedgwick. I’m sure she’s going to be thrilled to find out that Edie was a giant drug addict and died at 28. This will make her feel extra pretty.

You know who else is taking the suggestions literally? Garofalo! She’s determined to make her client look like Miss Ross in Mahogany. Great, I hope they can find her some hula hoops to tie to her girl’s head this late at night.

Meanwhile, it sounds like TrannyLips’ girl is Russian, and she’s fighting him about redarkening her hair, he’s insisting that it needs it because the previous colorist screwed it up and it looks ashy towards the top (and we all know ashy = trashy)…

…might be time for a roofie, a mixing bowl and a neck brace…

MattBian’s decided to use a giant pulled-back ponytail coupled with fake braids and a large fall of hair going down the back of his girl’s head. He’s also going to dye her eyebrows into non-existence, because the albino look is never disconcerting in the slightest. BoreLando stops by and notices that the blonde colors he’s using for the hairpieces aren’t really matching up, and MattBian realizes a little too late that perhaps he should have touched up the girl’s roots, but he was too busy erasing her eyebrows to worry about her actual head-hair.

So what’s BrigADevolution doing? She’s telling BoreLando that she’s going to make her client’s hair “significantly shorter” and that they’re channelling “a little bit of the 70′s Diana Ross” by giving her what appears to be a short afro. That sounds okay, but the frightening thing is that Briggle seems to be suddenly falling victim to a latent case of Actually Listening To The “Judges” Criticisms, because she says she’s going to edit herself today since they’re always telling her how she’s too far over the top. Nooooo, BrigADon’t, the late 60s and early 70′s were not about tastefulness and carefully edited fashions, it was all about over the top! And polyester.

Of course, once BoreLando is overheard telling Brig that Diana Ross is such a wonderful inspiration for this kind of hairstyle there is a sudden great disturbance in The Force…

…as if somewhere an evil little elfin woman is giving you a Death-Star-Glareâ„¢…

Yes, Garofalo is mega-ultra-pissed that BrigADuplicator is also going with a Diana Ross style because “That’s something I don’t dig… is copiers.”…

…”So go fuck yourself, Xerox.”…

Yeah, see, because Diana Ross has only ever had one hairstyle in the fifty years she’s been in the entertainment industry I can see how Garofalo could be so upset by this. Oh, except that’s completely stupid, because I don’t believe BrigADoingherownthang even knew that Garofalo was going to gank Miss Ross at all. Especially since earlier on TrannyLips actually asked Garofalo what she was planning on doing and Garofalo got all cutesy-coy about it saying “You’ll seeeeee.” So, unless a.) Garofalo owns the sole patent and copyright to Diana Ross Stylings or b.) there was a “Dibs on Diana Ross!” call-out competition that she won, I’m of the opinion that she needs to STFU. And let’s not even mention the fact that they have two completely different models with two completely different hair textures, so honestly, how fucking copycat does she think the woman can get? HATE.

Oh lordy-lord, Brialien’s coloring job is done. He admits that it’s harsh, and if you don’t already know that he’s going for an Edie Sedgwick look “it might be perceived as sort of like a trailer-park look!”…

…no way, that’s too generous, this is total Koa Kampground styling…

With that, time is up and let’s all head on over to the listening party where Estelle is sitting with the judges Cameltoe, Kim Chee and The Ant…

…and predictably they’ve already bored the shit out of her…

The stylestants all file in and get to watch as each of their clients comes in and walks a 6-foot red-carpet “runway” in their new styles. First up is MattBian…

…so this is what the first inflatable Ikette would have looked like…

Naturally, MattBian is super-thrilled with how it looks. It doesn’t seem to bother him in the slightest that the coiled braids look like they came straight off of Scandinavian softcore porn like I Am Curious (Yellow). Yay for delusions!

She’s followed by Brialien’s Budget Edie…

…Dr. Quim, Bedicine Woman…

Wow, she’s a pretty girl, but that’s some ho-tastic hair! Brialien also doesn’t care, he thinks she looks cool and that she just walked out of the The Factory. Yes, the Condom And Lucite-Soled Hooker Boots factory.

Well, let’s take a gander at Garofalo’s Diana Ross Number One (the true Diana Ross)…

…sorry, not big enough…

I know a thing or two about Diana Ross hair, because, see, my drag queen friend does her all the time, and his Diana Ross wigs are actually three wigs put together…

…The Sweetest (Tucson) Hangover…

Back to Garofalo’s girl, I will admit that it’s a pretty smooth style, even if it’s more Lady Sings The Blues than anything else.

Of course, the producers made sure to trot out BrigADeux’s Diana Ross Number Two (the Xerox version) next…

…sadly, Number Two in child’s terminology is pretty accurate…

I would expect no less from BrigADontgiveashit to say that she feels great about it, but she also knows she played it safe.

Last in line is TrannyLips’ Russian Rouletta…

…or as I like to call her “Delta Burke Before Doritos”…

I actually liked this style the best out of all of them, and I’d love to see TrannyLips pull a win away from the Tiresome Twosome. Naturally MattBian is here to predict that he and Garofalo are going to most certainly be in the Top Two for their awesome styles, and his little “May the best man win!” comment says how he thinks it’s gonna go from there.

After the party’s over and they’ve reconvened in the Judging Chambers, it’s time to thrash it out. Starting with Garofalo, Estelle tells her it’s exactly what she asked for, Diana Ross in Mahogany, which makes me suspect Estelle has never actually seen the film, because nowhere is there any such hairstyle as this to be found in it. You can tell that Kim Chee’s just been itching for the chance to use his next line… “This look is hotter than a gay bar on fire!” he squeals. Thanks Kim, you’ve just managed to take gay snark back several thousand steps. Did Andy Cohen write that one? Cuz it sounds like something he’d trot out on Watch What Happens Live and then find himself the only one laughing at it while his guests roll their eyes and look annoyed.

As for MattBian, The Ant thinks he did a good job, but that he fucked up with the color of the braids, and Kim Chee echoes that he doesn’t “understand the color story” either, and reminds us all “The last time we had someone that showed roots at the elimination… they were eliminated!”…

…Dear Jesus: Please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please with sugar on top. Love, J-Mo …

Moving along to Brialien, he gives another long-winded explanation of who Edie Sedgwick was, and eventually Estelle starts yawning and says this style does not remind her of Edie at all. The Ant makes sure to do his patented yell-whining thing where he complains that it looks like a heroin addict who hasn’t had her hair colored in eight months. Because heroin addicts actually make hair-coloring appointments inbetween scoring their horse…

…sorry Jon, you better get your money back for those glasses, they are not making you look or sound any smarter…

As for BrigADookiepoo, she doesn’t mention Diana Ross at all, instead choosing to simply refer to her inspiration as “70′s Afro”. The Ant sighs and says it just isn’t red carpet to him, it looks like the girl just tied her hair back to wash her face and get ready for bed. Then for some odd reason he gets really pissy and says he doesn’t understand why Brig’s standing up there “kinda laughing and giggling about it like it’s no big deal!” I don’t know what the fuck he’s talking about, because we don’t see her looking like anything’s the slightest bit funny…

…and that’s not something we can say about everyone…

Are any of you potential hair clients paying attention to all of this professionalism? Unless there’s wonky editing going on, I think The Ant just hates BrigADeedee and he misconstrued her open mouth as a smile. Also, if he’s so uptight about people taking this show seriously and not being all happy-slappies then why didn’t he jump all over the Tiresome Twosome about their little giggle fit? Again, editing could be responsible, but still.

Oh, and he’s not done, cuz The Ant haughtily brags he could have done that style in six minutes, and BrigABreak finally loses her shit and snaps back “Well, that’s why you’re a judge and I’m a contestant, Jonathan!” Ooooooh, Aunty Ant don’t like to be sassed back to, cuz he sneers “You’re a hundred percent right, and that’s a total fucking cop-out!” There he goes with his stick-up-the-ass about the “cop-out” again! I do not think it means what he thinks it means. Whatever, The Anthole’s an ass.

Last in line is TrannyLips, and Estelle likes the coloring job he did and says it “feels like Jackie O.” and Kim Chee agrees, saying that going darker with the girl’s porcelain skin was a smart choice and that it looks shiny and polished. TrannyLips looks like he’s waiting for the other pump to drop, but it never comes, and that’s the end of judging!

So tonight’s Top Two are once again Garofalo and…. not MattBian! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Instead, it’s TrannyLips up there with her and MattBian’s busy trying not to look like a BitterBian. For a moment it looked like Cameltoe was going to call out Yawn as the winner, but it was a fake-out, his work was not Shear Genius, so Garofalo wins again. Zzzzzzzz.

No viewer poll this week, just a reminder to blow 99 cents on a text message for fan favorite. As if. As for the Bottom Two, it’s Brialien and BrigADammitall! And going home tonight… is the Brialien!… which means BrigABrasive is safe and lives to compete another week…

…which goes over pretty predictably…

Hahahaha, fuck you Tiresome Twosome, you’re stuck with her for another week! She’s pretty happy, too, cuz she voiceovers, “Wonder Twins, Janine and Matthew, make some room up there cuz I’m comin’ back! I’m gonna put my smile on my face and come back with guns blazing and ready to go. Thanks Janine, you’re fuellin’ my fire!”

As for poor eliminated Brialien, he thanks the judges and tells them he respects their “subjective opinions” (sly dig there) and says he had a lot of fun.

And there we have it! What did you think of this episode? Did you love TrannyLips and the way he seems to be edging onto Team Brig? Who would you like to see in the Final Three? Me myself, I’m hoping it will actually be Brig, TrannyLips and Garofalo, with the MattBian getting sent home this week, just because he’s turned into such a bitter-ass queen with no sense of humor and an unattractive clique-y mean streak a mile wide.

Thanks for hanging in there with me guys, and never fear, Top Chef Masters is coming back in a couple of weeks and it looks like it’s going to be even more fun than the last time around!

love, J-Mo