Shear Genius: (Part 2) Everything In The Universe Reminds Me Of Matthew’s Wife

Shear Genius

By J-Mo | Sunday, July 13, 2008 | 12:24 pm | 13 Comments

Well, I’ll be damned! I didn’t think my powers of chit-chat and gab could outlast the publishing platform, but it seems that although I saved it, the very last part of my recap was cut off! I promise, this coda is gonna be short!

Where were we? Oh yeah, they brought the six trembling adults back and Female Glenn, Bitchy Charlie and Emo Gail get called up first. Gail actually smiles, because her wish to be in the Top Three actually came true! She looks really pretty when she smiles!…

**…”So this is what it’s like to not suck?… Me liiiiiiiiikes!”…**

Jaclyn immediately advises Emo Gail that while her work was elegant and looked good from every angle, it was not Shear Genius, and Gail gets sent back to the pool. Still, for once she wasn’t stuck on the bottom of the pile, and my bitter heart finds a small kernel of happiness for her.

Once again, it’s Bitchy Charlie and Female Glenn vying for the win. Female Glenn says she wanted to beat Charlie reeeeeeeeally really bad because she thought her style was a lot more creative and unique… Sorry Glenn, because Charlie wins it again! Two weeks in a row! And while Glenn wanted the win for herself, she’s not so bitter that she can’t be a little happy for Charlie and share some booty-bumpin’ with him…

…happy dance!…

Charlie is elated about his win, and says when Jaclyn called his hairstyle “flawless” it felt really good. He’s no dummy, either, because he goes on to say “I know that the other stylists are starting to get really fucking irritated by me!”

Sure enough, we cut to Exotic Nekisa in private interview being all bitter, saying “It was annoying that Charlie won again, but, like he said, (*begins mimicking*) he does this allll dayyy loong, and he’s so fabulous, and just all these editorials, and I’m like…”

…”blowing my bitter-ass brains out!”…

Hey Nekisa, do you know what the score is? Charlie – 3, Nekisa – 0! He has now officialy won half of the challenges! You know what else? Maybe instead of hating on Charlie, you should try, you know, to concentrate on your own work and not suck so much? Oh, and you know what else?…

So Charlie will once again get immunity in next week’s Elimination Challenge (and that’s the kind of advantage that really counts in this competition) and this week’s bragging rights as Shear Genius! Yay for Charlie and his weird feather-broach!

Uh oh! I hear ominously sad piano music! It must be time for the bottom three, who are (of course) Underdog Nicole, Straight Guy Matthew, and Ãœber-Gay Paulo. They have landed here for various reasons, Nicole’s ‘do for the Random Hair Piece Offense, Matthew’s for the Stupidly Ignoring Your Client’s Helpful Advice Offense, and Paulo’s for the What The Fuck Were You Thinking Offense… and Underdog Nicole is the one who gets the Get Out Of Jail Free card this week and the ability to unclench her sphincter a little bit as she heads back to the safety of the stylestants.

Straight Guy Matthew is surprisingly candid as he notes “I don’t know how ironic it is, but, I had the first choice and Paulo had the second choice and we were the last two!” Yeah, I’d say it was highly ironic Matt!

And even more ironic, the final cut belonged to Straight Guy Matthew! Must… suppress…. happy…. dance….. Immediately Matthew starts lying and says “Good… thank you!” and when Jaclyn gives him his chance for final words he says “I’m really glad that I tried this, I think being here made me appreciate MY WIFE even more than I already do… It’s probably the only time I’ve ever been happy to lose in my entire life, ’cause I cannot wait to be with MY WIFE!!” Yeah, that’s the exact same kind of bullshit speech that douchebag Dr. Booger gave last season when they finally booted his arrogant ass, I’m sure that being kicked off without winning is exactly why these people enter these reality competitions, so they can appreciate what they have at home even more, mm-hmm, keep repeating that and maybe you will eventually believe it, too…

In his exit interview (as he cleans up his station in the Shear Genius Nexxus Hair Salonâ„¢) Matthew says “I really really really tried to work hard at the hairdressing and I really did have a hard time every day, constantly I just would find myself pacing the room back and forth wondering when I’d see MY WIFE next. I was, um, lonely without her! I’m headed home and I’m happy because I want to go back to my life and back to MY WIFE and back to my job and my friends and my family where I, just, am completely happy…”

**…and this is the last time we have to see his mug… until the reunion show!…**

You know, I’m not such a bitch that I’m unwilling to consider that Matthew might actually be telling the truth, and he may really have a beautiful wife that he’s really married to and they may actually have sex… with each other, even… but the bizarre and constant apropos-of-nothing references to her every 38 seconds makes me think there’s something not quite upright in MatthewLand… I don’t know if it’s internalized homophobia (you’d think that working in the hair industry for so long he’d be, you know, used to gays in the biz by now) and a constant need to prove his masculinity in the face of buckets of homobulosity… or if he’s a really conflicted closet-case who somehow thinks he’s putting up a good cover-story (and with him being from Texas, the sheer number of conflicted Southern Baptist gays is in the skillions, I oughtta know, I’ve dated more than my share of ‘em) but whatever his problem is, I’m soooo glad we won’t be subjected to any more of it. And it looks like I’m not in the minority there, either…

Next week, it looks like a dreaded team challenge, there are accusations of “sabotage” flung about, and Paulo cries! I can’t wait!

What did you think of this episode? Do you think Charlie should not have won? Could I have made this recap any longer? Should I keep to calling our tranny-girl Drag Queen Meredith, or Minkideth Stole?

Thanks for sticking with me through my indulgences, and I promise to make it briefer next week!

love, J-Mo

Comments (13)
More About Author

About J-Mo

J-Mo is a great big fat hairy homo (and he tends to be attracted to the same) who lives with his big fat non-hairy BF in the Valley Of The Sun, a.k.a. Phoenix, Arizona. By day he is an account manager for a giant corporate megaconglomerate and his greatest joy comes from not having to speak directly to the general public any more... also, he can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never never never let you forget you're a man. By night (when he's not recapping) he is a co-choreographer (and the Fattest Backup Dancer In Captivity™) for one of Phoenix's most talented female impersonators known as Devina Ross. He is also still a part of the Rhythm Nation.

13 Comments

1

lagitha

Posted July 13, 2008 at 2:25 pm

J-Mo, you’re brilliant. If your recap is twice as long next week, I’ll be twice as happy!! The photos take up a lot of room, but they’re really essential to the recap (and Paulo’s width vs. height comparison was great!) Thanks; I really enjoyed it.
2

ugasouthernguy

Posted July 13, 2008 at 4:02 pm

ok, the “She-bop” lyrics CRACKED MY SH*T UP…I totally forgot that whole song was about whacking off…wasn’t Turning Japanese about the same thing?
3

pixiegal262

Posted July 13, 2008 at 4:58 pm

I totally do not think I’m in the minority when I say that I LOVE your long-ass recaps. You are much more thorough than some of the other recappers which leads to even more hilarity.

I very very much enjoy the recaps and I literally snorted in laughter at the model who looks like she’s always smelling cat shit comment.
4

J-Mo

Posted July 14, 2008 at 9:39 am

lagitha, you’re welcome, I appreciate the lovin’, I’m so glad you understand about the pix, and I agree, they really are necessary for this show. Kissy-smooches!

ugasouthernguy: I believe that the Vapors alternately confirmed AND denied “Turning Japanese” was about self-lovin’, but Cyndi Lauper was straight-up “Yup, ‘She-Bop’ is about playing with yourself!”

pixiegal262: thank you for the kind kudos… I’m really going to try to make it a tad shorter next week so that I can, you know, actually get my recap in ON TIME, but I’m glad you’re liking my random ramblings just the same. It looks like this is shaping up to be an awesome season!

love,
xoxo

J-Mo
5

zbunny

Posted July 14, 2008 at 12:48 pm

Awesome, awesome, awesome, JMo! I laughed the whole way through! By the way, it’s YOUR FAULT that I now watch this silly show — your recaps are so funny that I had to tune in!
6

murphena

Posted July 14, 2008 at 2:04 pm

You can see a picture of Matthew’s wife on his salon’s website: http://www.matthewtully.com. Not what I pictured at all — except for the big boobs.
7

juddfan

Posted July 14, 2008 at 5:32 pm

J-mo, don’t cut a word . . . absolutely hilarious all the way through, I don’t even watch, but I feel like I am!!! I totally love the screencaps, and what a visual I have of you as a precious teen with glittering luxurious blonde locks!!! You are too funny and are quickly becoming one of my faves–I’m so glad I gave you a read, and I can’t wait till the next one. Me thinks I must set Tivo to catch the millionth rerun of the shows and check ‘em out.

And yeah, what about that feather broach!?

As to drag Queen Meredith’s name, you are so wonderful with the flowing nicknames, I think you should follow your heart, I wouldn’t dare to suggest you change in anyway!

And, true enough, two sets of before and afters are a lot of grabs, so fearest thouest not!

And if you haven’t checked out Judd yet, it’s at cbs.com under season 11 . . .
8

rubinia

Posted July 15, 2008 at 10:46 am

Thanks for the link to his wife’s picture, murphena. She’s actually pretty much what I expected…and she is quite pretty (I don’t know about a “perfect 10,” though).
9

J-Mo

Posted July 15, 2008 at 11:59 am

Yes, murphena, thank you for that link, and Rubinia, I agree with you, she’s nice-looking, but I don’t think I would be setting her up to people as a “perfect 10″… and it still doesn’t explain why Matthew would not have posted that picture to the Photo diaries on BravoTV.com… you would have thought he’d have put their wedding photograph up there so everyone could see the heterosexual relationship he is in!

I am disturbed.

love,
xoxox

J-Mo :0

P.S. Thanks for the kudos juddfan, I tried to go check him out at cbs.com, but the previous seasons photos would not load, it just gave me a white screen… I’ll try later…
10

juddfan

Posted July 15, 2008 at 2:49 pm

Hey J-mo, soooo unimportant, but it turns out Survivor 11 is still in the gasm archives, so you may be able to find the answers to these questions and more!!!

KISSES
11

monina79

Posted July 15, 2008 at 6:59 pm

Thanks for the awesome recaps, j-mo! I vote that you keep them long — they’re so much better and more fun than other SG recaps I’ve read elsewhere, and I look forward to yours every week (and I don’t care that they’re late)!
12

sayhuh

Posted July 16, 2008 at 12:19 am

Me too, me too, add me to the chorus: keep them long, and keep the photos coming, please. It’s great to have the instant reminder of what went down. Except for the John Waters staff member photo you posted next to Meredith’s. Jesus, that was a scary-looking person. As to the nickname, I am kinda attached to DQ Meredith, but you’re the writer – trust your instincts, baby. They are serving you well, and you’ve accumulated quite a few fans, so there! Although I have a little more affection for Meredith after her little coda to this week’s episode, talking about MATTHEW’S WIFE. “She must be good in bed (pause) I mean, she must be REALLY good in bed.” Saying this with a look that says “that guy wouldn’t know good sex if it bit him in the ass.” On the other hand, Nicole annoyed me quite a lot this time, and I liked her, so she better get her shit together, or I’ll be stuck having to root for Charlie. Don’t really wanna do that unless he promises to stick to being funny and quits promising to unleash bitchery never seen before. ‘Cause we’ve seen it before. Oh, and I meant to thank you for this in the last recap, but here it is now: thank you for being such an unabashed child of the eighties. It’s almost like going down the rabbit hole when I come across these semi-forgotten nuggets in your reviews!
13

marishka

Posted July 16, 2008 at 8:26 am

Another vote for keeping the recaps long! Maybe you could put up two posts on purpose, say one for the short cut and one for the elimination challenge.

Personally, I started liking DQ Meredith just a little bit more this week and hating on Nicole just a touch. Was she that bitchy before? And I have to say one thing for Charlie….he’s a lot of talk and attitude, but he can back it up (although I thought Glenn should have won this one….just to make her revenge on Matthew’s douchery that much more sweet). Has anyone noticed that Charlie was separated at birth from Adam Sandler? Just imagine him with a shaved head and 25 more pounds. They even kinda talk the same…..