Shear Genius: Polygons And Headshots

Hello again hairgomaniacs! I know that I have been bitching a lot about how this show has taken a steep swirl into the toilet because of the crappy hosting (and speaking) abilities of Cameltoe, and that none of the guest judges have been remotely famous (or interesting) to anyone outside of the hair industry, and that the contestants (and judges) are all a bunch of whiny, self-absorbed dildoes, and I’d be well-entitled to my patented brand of bitchery, because all of those things are true. However, on this week’s episode of Shear Genius, instead of the Elimination Challenge being way more lame than the ShortCut Challenge, we get to see the stylestants compete in what I like to call…

…the Rucky Lucky Charms Challengeâ„¢…

…and Bravo continues it’s fine mission to dispel the stereotype that Asians are all math and geometry whizzes. And that gays are only good at hairdressing and being catty. And that beautiful people are stupid. And that nerdy children grow up to be normal, well-liked adults. And that I’m not a compulsive liar regarding all of these things. OH, and there will be a senseless cupcake murder, so prepare yourselves some righteous outrage before we take the jump…Tonight’s fug quotient starts off at an all-time high with Cameltoe, who’s dressed like a linebacker in mourning…

…her stylist is clearly in the “anger” stage of the grief cycle…

…while the stylestants’ outfits manage to round out the other stages…

…”denial”, “depression”, “bargaining”, “acceptance”, “more denial” and “cluelessness”…

I am still kinda loving the fact that BrigABangs won last week. I’m especially loving the fact that her win (and the subsequent Allure Airport Kiosk Adâ„¢) annoys the shit out of MattBian…

…or maybe he’s as tired of the OC Housewives being all up in his face as we are…

Time for today’s random guest judge, and it’s none other than, OMGyouguys, it’s Kevin Mancuso!!!…

…aaaaaaaaaand crickets…

Although, if I was one of the stylestants I would totes be jumping up and down and acting like this guy is a cross between President Obama and Jesus (Obesus?) because he’s a bigwig from where their $100,000.00 prize money will be coming from. Plus, according to Cameltoe he’s “cweated loogs” for Rachel McAdams and Natalie Portman. I am still mad at NatPo for trying to fuck up Top Chef with her annoying Vegetarianness. Anyhow, Kevie-poo looks like the typical humorless asshole this show employs, so I’m going to call him ManCunt from now on, and Cameltoe is pleased to announce that he will be their judge in both the ShortCut and Elimination Challenges. I guess Christmas has come early this year!

Speaking of which, let’s get to today’s ShortCut, which Cameltoe says will test what “shape” their cutting skills are in. Whatever could she mean by that? Cue the Asian ladies!…

…There! Now they’re even more magically delicious!…

…and let’s play “Guess By Facial Expression Who Works On Mostly White People?”…

What fun! Finally an “ethnic” hair challenge! Except I’d hate to be one of these ladies, because the challenge is to interpret the shapes they’re holding into their hairstyle using precision cutting techniques, the end result being “like styles you might see at a hair show or on the runway”. Meaning, of course, that the outcome will be “unbearably ugly” or “you’d be better off having Helen Keller for your stylist”.

ManCunt says super-straight Asian hair is super-beautiful, but also super-difficult to cut properly, which prompts Garofalo to tell us that precision cutting is one of her “not-so-strong suits”. I’m shocked, because she’s so good at everything else, like wearing ugly clothes, pointing out the obvious, and being a giant bitchtwat. Let’s get to picking scissor boxes to see who gets paired with what shape!

Garofalo starts things off by getting the girl with the crescent moon, while her bestie MattBian unfortunately lands the one with the communist star. He is pissed, too: “A star? Who wants to have, like, a pointy star haircut??!?”…

…I can think of someone…

Poor gayby! Perhaps he’ll take a page from the ApRebel playbook, and just ignore the stupid challenge. Speaking of which, ApRebel is really hoping she gets the girl with the heart shape, because then she can do her most favorite kind of cut, which is “a huge mess” “soft and round”.

In the meantime, Brialien incorrectly identifies his chosen trapezoidal shape as a “parallelogram”, which brings forth a variety of looks on the others’ faces ranging from barely concealed humor (BrigADodecagon) to consternation (ManCunt and Cameltoe) to outright hilarity (Yawn TrannyLips). In fact, TrannyLips opines, “Sweet, sweet Brian. Maybe he’ll have a porn career after this, cuz then he can put something in his mouth that would keep idiotic things from coming out of it!”…

…hahaha, I hope they seat you next to him at the reunion show…

TrannyLips himself gets the diamond girl (or, the actual parallelogram) and ApRebel’s wish comes true, because she gets the heart girl! This leaves BrigADearie the triangle girl to work with. The winner will again get the lame prize of first choice of model in the Elimination Challenge, which worked out so well for Garofalo last week, didn’t it? Their 90 minutes starts now.

Right away MattBian continues bitching about how much it sucks that he got the star, and he was inspired by all the other shapes except the star, and whyyyyyyy did he have to work with the staaaaaaaar, and right about now I wish Star Jones would show up and bitchslap him. Not making things better is his consultation with his Star-Girl, whom he’s trying to convince to let him do something “edgy”…

…and Star-Girl ain’t having it…

Garofalo’s also trying to hop on the “edgy” train, so she’s going to pencil out her idea on paper before she commences chopping up her girl’s hair…

…Retch-A-Sketchâ„¢…

She thinks she’s the one taking the big risk because this isn’t something she normally does (even though she claims to work on a lot of Asians and that their hair is one of her “preferred textures” to work with) but I’d say the real risk-taker here is her poor Moon-Girl…

…who is clearly fucking terrified…

The heart-love has quickly dried up over at ApRebel’s station, because Heart-Girl has abruptly dug in her heels as far as the length of her hair is concerned, which is putting her and ApRebel at loggerheads…

…plus I think she’s afraid her heart-hair will end up looking like this…

Meanwhile, Brialien still isn’t sure what his shape is, exactly, because instead of a “parallelogram” he’s taken to calling it a rhombus. Luckily his girl is there to correct him…

…though not as harshly as I’d have liked…

Poor Brialien says he knows this challenge is not going to be a good one for him and tosses aside the offending pararhombozoid. I say he should shut it, he could have gotten a squircangle!

TrannyLips is cutting a diamond shape in the bottom of the hair on the back of his Diamond-Girl’s head, which causes BrigADistraction to exclaim aloud how carazy it is that he’s doing that, which completely ignores the fact that she did the exact same thing to her ShortCut model last week. TrannyLips’ response?: “Brig, shut the fuck up before I come over there and box you!” Briggle just laughs at him and continues being wacky.

With only 30 minutes left, ManCunt comes along to check up on what MattBian’s doing. Ah HA! He has blown off the challenge, because he’s busily shaving an actual star shape into the side of Star-Girl’s head. He tells us because he pulled this shit-shape that “It’s just gonna have to look a little stupid.”…

…as Star-Girl quickly makes plans for enacting various revenge-stabbing fantasies…

Yeah, for the first time MattBian’s not confident that he’s gonna win this meaningless (and thoroughly stupid) challenge! Then he proves what a bitch-ass he is by sighing heavily and whining “I shoulda just pissed her off and shaved her fucking head.” Because God forbid he not be in the Top Two, he’d consider screwing his hapless client over righteously. Asshole.

As if things couldn’t be more nutso, ApRebel’s performing more of her chopstabbing theatrics for BrigADabble’s viewing pleasure, she says she’s feeling happy, lops of hair (and possibly chunks of ear) are flying, and “things are getting heart-ey here”…

…as well as “First Aid-ey”…

ManCunt shows up and demands to know where she’s going with this, and ApRebel does her best to obfuscate, saying something about “sweetly shredding” it. Ahh, but ManCunt isn’t fooled and wants to know exactly where the precision in this cut is. I would have said it was evident in the fact that this girl isn’t profusely bleeding right now, but ApRebel just kinda mumbles something about it being in the line she’s created. ManCunt smirks and walks away. ApRebel says this “precision kick” he’s on is freaking her out, and that she just doesn’t do hair that way. Plus, I think ManCunt’s kind of an idiot for turning his (defenseless) back on her.

Time is called, and Garofalo is the first one to display her version of Moon-Girl…

…if by “moon” she means it looks like “ass”…

I know the girl is all smiley in this picture, but I’m guessing that’s because she must have been blunted out of her mind when they took it, because here’s how she looked during the actual judging…

…now that face says “I have the worst bowl-cut ever.”…

This girl? Is going as Sinead O’Connor this Halloween. Because how else are you supposed to fix this kind of shit? I mean, look what she did to the back…

…my hair looked like this once when I got gum stuck in it and my mom didn’t know how else to get it out…

ManCunt immediately sends my jaw crashing to the floor when he says he likes the fact that she took the challenge literally by showing the geometry and the shape. He leaves out the part about how stupidly fug the girl’s hair looks. I will never understand the judging on this show.

Let’s move on to MattBian’s Star-Girl…

…ummmm, what was the challenge again?…

Oh yeah, to make star-shapes in her hair! Well, MattBian did that in his own special ninja-like way, by hiding star-shapes under the top layer of her hair…

..♪.shin-ing star so you can’t see.♪..

..♪.how fucked up you’ll real-ly be.♪..

Immediately ManCunt jumps all over him for not leaving her hair up in a ponytail so that they could immediately see the star-shapes. It’s pretty clear that he made this a stealth-cut on purpose so his chick could hide the badness of it until it grows out. Of course, hearing Matt get thrashed is sweet, sweet music to BrigADelighted’s ears, and she believes we’re coming to the end of MattBian domination in this competition because he’s running out of tricks. He certainly seemed to come up dry in the imagination department this time around.

Next up is Yawn TrannyLips’ Diamond-Girl…

Whoops! Sorry, wrong picture…

…when someone gets stuck in the grip of a terrible hairstyle a powerful curse is born…

TrannyLips grabs his comb and begins harshly yanking Diamond-Girl’s hair forward so he can show off his awesome diamond shape that isn’t really there…

…Situation #23 In Which It Is Appropriate And Justified To Nut-Punch Someone…

He’s so rough, in fact, that Cameltoe calls out, “Be nice to her!” In the end, this is what he wanted to show us by yanking out half of her hair…

…how badly he razor-burned her neck with his clippers, I guess?…

And ManCunt’s pretty blunt as well, saying that it doesn’t have the precision the challenge called for. Yawn just shrugs and heads back to the line, leaving his poor Diamond Girl standing there blind, bleeding and burnt. Nice going, TrannyLips!

Let’s see how BrigADrangle fared with her Triangle Girl…

…of course, she turned her into some kind of Failboat…

Besides cutting multiple “angles that you’d find in a triangle” (whiiiich would be all of them) she also did some funky work in the back…

…”and this is my vision of an Isoceles Harajuku Girl.”…

I don’t get it when ManCunt calls it “angular gymnastics” and says “In a way it feels like a cop out.” Um, okay, you know what’s a real cop-out? Arbitrary-ass judging! He praised Garofalo to the skies for having taken the challenge literally and making Moon-Girl look like Moe Stooge, and yet when BrigADisproportionate does almost the same thing she suddenly sucks? Fuck off, ManCunt. OH, and speaking of Garofalo, look who’s also taking pleasure in someone else’s misery…

…”You mess with the NEW Jack & Karen, you get… well, smirked at! A lot!”…

Oh boy, now it’s time to see how ApRebel was able to fashion out a heart-ey heart on her Heart-Girl…

…she must have used Burt Reynolds’s heart as inspiration…

Yeah, it kinda screams “quintuple bypass” doesn’t it? ApRebel blathers a bunch of bullshit about shapes and jawlines and ManCunt’s just shaking his head and says “It’s completely off base, it has nothing to do with the challenge. To me? You cut a line, you shredded it, and then you basically just sort of tried to push it up into a heart shape. Thank you.” ApRebel looks offended, which is weird, because earlier she said she knew he wasn’t going to like it, so I don’t know why she’s acting all hurt and shocked.

Last week when she balked at the graduated bob challenge, I know I applauded her ballsiness, and I was all for it, because at least she gave the girl a definitive style. This just looks like pillow-hair, and it reeks of both laziness and I-Don’t-Wanna-Be-Here-Any-More-Ism. It’s one thing to blow the challenge intentionally with contrary styling, but it’s another thing entirely to not even try because you lack the necessary skills (and then want to claim some kind of silly “violation of artistic integrity” bullshit because you just can’t precision cut) which is what I suspect is going on here. You know, sometimes, Madonna, you should just shut up and admit that you want to shock people by masturbating onstage. Wait, what am I talking about?

Eh, fuck her, let’s move on to our last (and lost) little Brialien, who looks and sounds defeated when he admits he didn’t know what the shape was because he failed geometry. Which is still no excuse, because he still had, you know, the actual shape there to work with, whether it was called a parallelogram, or a rhombus, or a trapezoid, or a fortune cookie…

…您很快拜访另一位美发师!…

Personally, I think he’s being self-deprecating so they’ll tell him it’s not so bad. Which is exactly what ManCunt does, telling him that he actually likes how literal he stayed to the challenge (oh, so now literal is no longer a “cop-out”?) but that the precision just wasn’t there. Brialien sniffles a few times and shuffles back to the line.

Tonight’s Bottomsies are ApRebel (natch!) and… MattBian! Which means there’s more smirking to be done…

…how sad is it that Triangle-Girl appears to be trying to figure out if there’s a SuperCuts on her way home?…

I hate that for her. Notice there was no caveat in today’s challenge about “client satisfaction? Prolly cuz those girls would all have just bolted for the door. Anyhow, they’re not gonna bother with a Top Two, ManCunt’s just going to call out the winner… which is Garofalo??!?!? This gets a big eye-roll from BrigADon’tbelieveit, and one from me as well, but I guess if I look back over Star-Girl, Diamond-Girl, Trapezoid-Girl, Heart-Girl and Triangle-Girl, hers was one of the least sucky. So now Garofalo once again gets to choose her model first in the Elimination Challenge. Zzzzzzzz. Let’s go to commercial…

…”I like to home-test air bags!”…

As they enter the HateLoft, BrigADon’tgiveashit is getting right into the spirit of things by saying in a loud voice that she’s “introducing the losers today” as ApRebel and MattBian walk in. MattBian says he just feels like shit and wants to go to bed and have TrannyLips blow him. Instead of doing that so everybody has a happy evening, he chooses to sit around while BrigADig yammers on about how disappointed she is that he didn’t “just go for it” in the challenge today. Instead of grabbing TrannyLips and heading for the bedroom, MattBian chooses to bring out the full force of his patented GayGlareâ„¢…

…if looks could kill, well, you’d have a severe slap-mark Miss BrigADep!…

Suddenly, she’s offering everyone a plate of cupcakes, which would make me instantly forgive her for any past transgressions, but because MattBian is a Cheerless Queen, he hates them and says everybody’s getting fat from eating them (what a fucking idiot he is, you only get fat from eating cupcakes if you a) don’t wash them down with Diet Dr. Pepper or b) eat the entire plate like I do) so he grabs one out of Brialien’s hands and throws it away! *gasp* You killed Cupcakenny! You bastard! As if that wasn’t bad enough, then he does this unspeakable act…

…(in slowed-down bass voice) “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”…

That. Was. Just. Un. Fucking. Called. For. Hate on the woman all you want, but don’t you dare take it out on delicious innocent cupcakes, you nasty son of a bitch with creepy Gramma-hands. I’m sad to report that Yawn TrannyLips actually high-fives the MattBian after his senseless cupcake slaughtering, so cool points subtracted from you, Mr. Lips!

Thankfully it’s now the next day, and Cameltoe shows up wearing a hideous bedskirt…

…I think I preferred the linebacker look…

She’s also got ManCunt and BoreLando there. Regarding today’s Elimination Challenge she says “Yoo abilidee to sadisfiy yoo cliends may mage the diffence between whezzer or nod dey mage de final cot!” Everybody just kinda looks at each other like “huhwha?” as we meet today’s clients…

…Ah, white girls. So it’s back to a non-ethnic hair challenge, I guess…

Oh, but they’re not just white girls, they’re all “working actresses” (who are likely to be adding today’s show to their imdb pages, so I hardly consider that “working”) and today the stylestants need to get them ready to take photos for new headshots. Each of the girls has a specific look that they’re wanting, and ManCunt says they need to capture those emotions and the role that they’re going for…

…Sorry, but we already have a smirky, entitled Katherine Heigl in the world, we don’t need a spare, thankyouverymuch…

Because Garofalo was the best at the Bowl Cut, she gets to pick first. Look at her hideous outfit today… actually they all look like they got dressed in the dark… at the homeless shelter… in Mexico City. …circa 1987…

…Six Degrees of Fuggeration…

I love how determined Garofalo is to pull off a sleeveless outfit that makes her look like Violet Beauregarde a year after gastric-bypass surgery, and I wonder if she realizes the silly hat puts her dangerously close to BrigADowntown territory. She heads straight for Kira the redhead. However, for the other stylestants, instead of picking clients, the clients are going to choose them! This announcement has an interesting effect on those remaining…

…some are clearly not worried…

…while others are flashing back to being face-first in the boys’ room toilets…

Oh, poor MattBian, this brings him right back to his elementary school days, where he says he did get picked last a lot of the time, and he just hates feeling like “the giant fat girl”. Ah, okay, so he hated being an outcast and getting picked on by the Mean Girls because he was different and femmy and just trying to be himself… and then the minute he got into the “cool kids” clique with Garofalo and TrannyLips he eagerly joined up with the mob mentality to lord it over BrigADiabolical and act nasty and rude and destroy beautiful things like cupcakes. This, my friends, is the worst kind of fucking hypocrite out there, someone who loves to dish it out, but just can’t take it, and I hope he winds up chosen dead last today.

Welllll Brialien gets chosen first (duh, he’s super-cute and “working actresses” know how to work the cute guys), then ApRebel, and then BrigADidn’tgetpickedlast, leaving the two remaining actresses with this unenviable choice…

…the Ladyboy or the Tatiger?…

…and TrannyLips gets picked, leaving MattBian to stew in his sixth-grader mentality a little while longer. BrigADumbfounded is also revelling in the situation, saying she’s been there a million times, and seeing MattBian have to deal with it gave her a little bit of satisfaction…

…apparently it also gave her chola hair…

OMG, best 80′s hairpiece ever! She could so totally be in a Lisa Lisa And Cult Jam video! LOVE! Anyhow, they only get one hour to consult with and style their actresses, plus they’ll be judged on how well they work on upkeep during the photo shoot. The winner gets a Nexxus advertorial in Allure magazine…

…which makes TrannyLips decide to chuck the challenge and launch himself directly at ManCunt’s crotch in an effort to snag this prize package for himself…

Their measly hour starts, and right away Garofalo’s redhead is saying she wants that tired-ass “girl-next-door” look, which is such bullshit, because the girl next door to me where I grew up? Had a buzz-cut and wore nothing but men’s Frye boots and bell-bottoms. Anyhow, naturally Garofalo says they’re going to make her “smart and sexy” as well as “girl-next-door”, which makes me wonder, when did it become so wrong to be “stupid and sexy”??…

…the answer is: never…

The world has had enough of “smart and fug”, I guess. Meanwhile, MattBian’s girl is actually not a white girl at all, she’s a latina who works for TeleMundo as a TV host, but wants her hair to be “plumped up” for possible roles on telenovelas. Gurrl, you best break out El Aqua Net and your pick, that hair needs to be sprayed for Jesús!

ApRebel’s client describes herself as “sporty” but also a “California Blonde” and she wants to keep it long… in fact, she wants extensions to be put in so she can have a “beachier” look…

…like she’s not already beachy enough… ZING!…

Ba-dum-bump-tsss. Over in BrigADothedew’s station, her girl says she’s known as “the Obama Girl” and I’m feeling quite politically ignorant for not understanding exactly what that means. Is that some new breed of militant? A type of hotness? Another way of saying “mixed race”? A sammich? Teach me, Shear Genius! Don’t leave me hanging here with questions unanswered!

No explanation is given, it turns out her girl wants to be the lead role in an action flick, which could mean anything from Lara Croft to… ummmm… Lara Croft? Great! Slap a high pony-tail on her and you’re done! Meanwhile, Brialien’s girl’s chatting with him and says she wants to have the “hot geek” look, kind of like on CSI, which causes him to temporarily enter a fugue state…

…huhhhglurbleplotzowifitkyeezblibblefurggupplippinzoxappbbbllfflt!…

See, Brialien’s downloaded version of Encarta ’95 didn’t have any information or articles on what exactly a “geek” is, so he has no clue how to make that happen. “It’s going to take some thinking.” Which means he should pack now. Especially when he suggests “We can style your hair all except for like, one part, we could have like, a brush stuck in it!”

BoreLando comes by to check in with ApRebel and when he hears about the extensions she’s going to add he wonders if Beachy there is going to retain her youthful 21-year-old-ness. ApRebel stares at him like he’s speaking Mandarin to her and when he leaves she says something about him taking her in her head to a “little bit more polished” place than what she was originally thinking. TrannyLips overhears this and starts immediately talking trash about her to his own client…

…someone’s still a Bitter Betty about being chosen next-to-last!…

Naturally he wouldn’t say anything within her actual earshot because ApRebel would be able to gut and hang Tranny’s eviscerated corpse from the ceiling lamps before his lips had even fully finished forming the word “Owie!”

Time is up and Garofalo gets to go first at the photo-shoot, which is being staged right over the Kotex Twister game at the entrance of the Salon…

…I guess because it fits there. Period. …

The Judges (Cameltoe, The Ant, Kim Chee and ManCunt) are standing about 10 feet away, I guess to make sure their catty comments are overheard. Anyhow, Garofalo feels good about her “girl-next-door” styling, and says it’s a little “less set” but “with intention”. That means fuckall really, I think her girl looks boring and secretarial…

…more like “cubicle-dweller-next-door”…

Yup, she’s just right for the role of The Go-To-Girl When You Run Out Of Toner. The Ant says it looks very “hot roller” and Kim Chee’s seeing nothing but hair, it’s not bringing out her eyes or her cheekbones. Perhaps he thinks she should have surgery like he did to bring those things out in a more freakish manner. Garofalo says it’s nerve-wracking…

…or maybe she’s realizing how silly (and unprofessional) it looks to wear a sleeveless sun-pouch when you have no tits and a giant doily tattooed on your shoulder…

Here comes Brialien and his *snort* “Hot CSI Geek” girl…

…who can now look forward to a lifetime of “Rhoda” roles…

That? Is completely insane! But Brialien thinks it “captures her comedic side”, which is very true because everyone’s going to be laughing at her for years to come. Kim Chee whispers that this doesn’t look geeky to him, and The Ant can barely suppress the giggles as he says it looks just plain ridiculous. ManCunt calls it a “tumbleweed with a bandage underneath it”. Brialien tells us that clearly this girl isn’t going to be going for the Michelle Pfeiffer-type roles, but instead “She may be the nerdy friend on Ugly Betty!”…

…Awww, I don’t have the heart to explain to him that the “nerdy friend” IS Ugly Betty, do you?…

It’s ApRebel’s turn with Beachy, and although she’s murmuring words like “natural” and “sexy” to herself, the girl looks anything but…

…however, “beachy” still shines right through!…

Kim Chee immediately leans over to The Ant and whispers “She’s 21.” The Ant looks horrified in response! In the meantime, ApRebel’s staring directly at the Judges while they animatedly talk about how much she managed to age the girl from barely legal to cougar in a single hour, and she complains to us that having them there “crimps her style” and makes her second-guess herself. The Ant points out that she’s smoothing the girl’s hair out and making it frizzier at the same time, and Kim Chee is super-offended because he knows California Curls, California Curls are a friend of his, and Senator, those are no California Curls!

Even better still is Kim Chee’s squintysmile as ApRebel and Beachy leave the set…

…he managed to become Jeffy from the Family Circus, only more cartoonish…

ApRebel’s over it. Frankly, so are the rest of us. Let’s move on to BrigADoomraider and her Lara Croft wannabee…

…Perhaps she doesn’t realize that there is no super-hero known as “MegaCurlz”…

Kim Chee likes the movement of the hair (even though it’s a mite frizzy) and ManCunt says it does remind him of an animated action-hero. Nobody mentions the obvious, the girl totally looks like Jennifer Love Hewitt. Anyhow, BrigADeeeLite thinks her Obama Girl did an amazing job…

…there’s no reason for this pic, other than I just like wonky pictures of BrigADoofus…

We haven’t heard a word about Yawn TrannyLips’ “working actress” so it comes as a complete non-shock to me to see that she’s going for the part of a “lingerie model”…

…now that’s a face that can sell crotchless panties!…

Tranny also thinks she looks amazing, “But then… it doesn’t take a lot to polish a diamond!” Except, the more the shoot progresses and the more Yawn jumps in to fuck with it, the more he’s unhappy with how it looks. ManCunt says it’s kind of a disaster, and then after that everybody has to start speaking through their teeth because TrannyLips is just flat-out staring at them and trying to overhear their comments to take direction on what to do.

Here comes today’s Playground Victim, MattBian and his Telemundo TV Host…

…perhaps Cameltoe should be a little worried? This girl speaks English!…

Kim Chee likes how her hair shines from the roots to the ends, but then when MattBian breaks in for a second and starts putting product in the girl’s hair and weighing it down, The Ant whispers “This is a classic case of fucking someone’s hair up on-set.” Cameltoe just glares, and when the girl leaves she tosses out an insincere “Yoo loog beeyoodeefool… beech!“

Now that everybody’s finished they all gather again in the Salon… where Cameltoe tells them there’s still one more part to this challenge! The girls all want a second look and the stylestants are only being given 30 minutes to accomplish a completely different style.

Garofalo’s client wants to be a secretary now (redundant!!!) at a “high-fashion magazine” (like maybe the geeky friend on Ugly Betty?), MattBian’s girl wants a “rocker look” (please give her a giant crispy-banged out Lita Ford!), Brialien’s geekgirl wants to be a “naughtysexy villain” (perhaps Vanessa Williams’ role on Ugly Betty minus the Miss America good looks?), TrannyLips’ porn model now wants to be cleaned up into a “classic beauty” (like maybe Nina Hartley?), ApRebel’s chick now wants to go from being Beachy to “sexy vixen” (which to her clearly means “Tell me I don’t need to change a thing!”) and BrigADunnowhattodo’s budget Lara Croft wants to be transformed into some kind of “special agent”. A half-hour flies by quick, so they all run to get started!

It’s fun watching Brialien trying to brush out all that fucked-up teasing he did to Comedy Chick’s frizzfro and try to convince her that he’s got any clue what a “naughty villain” should look like. Also, BrigADerrrrrr is struggling for ideas of what a “special agent” looks like…

…and Holy Wigstock, this is her fourth look in a single epsiode!…

I really hope this doesn’t mean that she’s going home tonight, I would be so sad. Anyhow, she decides to add some volume to the top of her girl’s hair. But lo and behold, MattBian’s also adding a poof to the top of his girl’s “rocker chick” look, so naturally he has to say that she’s copying him, and that hers sucks and “looks like a turd on somebody’s head” and yet his poof looks “pretty much perfect“. Ugh, HATE…

…if God ever answered just one of my silly little prayers…

Oh well, I’ll keep on askin’, maybe someday He’ll start listenin’. Time’s up, and BrigADoubledo is the first to premiere her second look…

…Special Agent Snooki Bumpit…

Followed by ApRebel’s “sexy vixen”…

…a.k.a “Una Chola Blanca”…

After which we get Yawn TrannyLips’ “classic beauty”…

…if “classic” = “1979″…

And here’s Garofalo’s “high-fashion secretary”…

…just add a scrunchy and voila!, instant “high fashion”!…

Which leads us into MattBian’s Revenge Of The Bumpit Poof…

…I’m sorry, but this isn’t “rocker chick hair”…

…THIS is!…

And taking us home is Brialien’s “naughty villian”…

…which BravoTV.com didn’t even bother to post a picture of, so this is the best I can give you…

Back in the Judging room, they begin with Garofalo and her transformation of her “sexy slut next door” to “edgy secretary”. Because librarian buns are considered edgy these days. Kim Chee likes the first look because you can see her eyes but it also looks like she did it herself. ManCunt likes both looks, but he’s a tool, so who cares. The Ant pretty much echoes that, so that’s two tools on one panel. They think she just did a fantastic job. WIth hot roller curls and a messy up-do (that was pretty much a replica of her own crapstyle today!) Whatever.

Next up, Brialien’s journey from “hot Jewfro nerd” to “naughty checkout girl villian”. The Ant thinks they look like two different characters for completely different films, which he likes, but he thinks it would be hard for this girl to use these looks to “brand” herself with. Kim Chee just flat-out says he never would have done these looks in a competition. ManCunt says it looks like someone who pulled the hair back to puke in the toilet wash their face, and he doesn’t think it represents an actress in any way. I guess he forgot about Fran Drescher.

As for ApRebel and her “California Beach” to “Sexy Vixen”, The Ant immediately blasts her for making the girl look ten years older than she really is, and thinks the second look was nothing more than the first look pulled back and chola’ed out. Kim Chee actually likes the second look and thinks that fits the “California Curls” concept better.

BrigADolly’s “sexy action hero” into “special CIA agent” actually gets some love from the Ant for her first look, he likes the body and wave and smooth shininess of it, but he has no idea what she was thinking for the second look, he demands to know “Why so high and so awkward?” BrigADefenseless says she’s never done a CIA agent’s hairstyle so she just pulled the look out of thin air. Of course, Jonathan has to snot “That to me is not a good enough excuse.” I guess she should have said something like “The PoosyCat Dolls already had this shitty look, I thought it was time to bring it back.”

Also, let’s take a look at the Bumpits side by side…

…and it’s MattBian’s that is clearly a higher poof!…

Speaking of which, they’re now scrutinizing his “TV hostess” into “rocker chick”, Kim Chee makes me insane with anger when he claims that while the first look is beautiful, the second look is “ethereal”. What. The. Fuck?!?! It’s the same damned hairstyle they just got done trashing BrigADumbassjudges for! The Ant says if he was the casting director she’d be sucking his dick getting the job because she’s a “hot latin babe”. Then he remembers who’s sitting next to him and he blurts out “Unless, of course, Camila’s auditioning, Camila’s gonna get the job!”…

…”Unless, of course, the job requires public speaking…”…

Last up is TrannyLips’ “lingerie model” muted down into “classic everyday ho”. ManCunt doesn’t think the first look is sexy at all, he thinks the hair is lifeless and has no body, “I mean, it actualy looks like a rat’s nest at the bottom.” but for some reason he really loves the second “simple shot” where all Tranny did was straighten out the girl’s hair with a flat-iron. Well, I guess that is pretty much classic everyday ho. Still, he just can’t believe that first photo and asks Yawn if he thinks it looks like any kind of style to him. Quick as a flash, Yawn spits back “No, it looks like a sausage roll that the bottom broke out of!” Then they glare at each other for a bit…

…”Bitch.”
“Cooze.”
“Skank,”
“Whore.”
“Slut.”
“Twat.”
“Come to my room later?”
“See you at 8.”…

After some more bitching amongst the judges (and more incomprehensible praise for MattBian’s poof alongside derision and scorn for BrigADoody’s poof) the Top Two this week are none other than the Tiresome Twosome of MattBian and Garofalo. And UGH, MattBian wins. AGAIN.

…Well, at least he’s not being smug about it or anything…

And woohoo, he gets to be photographed for the advertorial in Allure magazine. Congratulations, your picture and hairstyling will be in dentists waiting rooms all over the nation. Let’s move on to the Bottom Two, which are no surprise when they turn out to be Brialien and ApRebel. Let’s check in with the Viewer Poll, which was allll about our little BrigADichotomy…

…3. Late to lovin’…

I seriously have gained a ton of admiration for the woman putting up with these assholes week after week and annoying them repeatedly. Besides, she’s tame compared to the antics of that bitch Tyra over on RuPaul’s Drag Race, right?

Anyhow, it’s back down to Brialien and ApRebel, and Brialien… is SAFE!…

…you may have to repeat that, Cameltoe, I think Brialien’s getting a message from the home planet…

He’s just shocked that it’s ApRebel going back home to take her frustrations out on (and make scary faces at) what’s left of her clientele. She tells the remaining stylestants to “kick ass” and that they do hair to make people feel good, so they should try to make each other feel good…

…”Much like ripping Cameltoe’s hair out by the double-handful would make me feel good!”…

There we are! What did you think of this episode? Are you shocked that Brialien didn’t get booted for his wacky frizzgirl? How in the world did they say that those poofs were so different? And are you ready for this week’s show when Garofalo and MattBian’s claws really come out? Am I the only one hoping that BrigADerminator will help get one or both of them kicked off?

Thanks for joining me again, your sweet commenting love is my reason for writing and losing sleep. I’ll be back in another couple of days with this week’s episode.

Love, J-Mo