Shear Genius: Rainbows & Angels (a.k.a. Gaybos vs. Lesbos)

Once upon a time, there were seven little stylists who went to the Shear Genius Cosmetology Academy… and they were each assigned very hazardous challenges… but *I* took them away from all of that… and now they work for me… my name… is J-Mo! “… dt-tss-dt-tss-dt-tss-dt-tss-dt-tss-dt-tss-dt-tss-dt-tss, dooo-de-dooooooo de doo-doo-doo dooo-de-dooooooo de doo-doo-dooooooooooo…”

…yes, on tonight’s episode of Shear Genius we are treated to more drag queen hair, more rollercoaster rides of emotion, and even some more tears (Paulo)… but unlike last week where we were hamstrung from really releasing our inner bitches in the face of innocent alopecia victims, this week there’s a huge bitch-fest at Casa De Malo Pelo… Lesbiana Dee and Exotic Nekisa find their relationship consummated with the help of Bitchy Charlie… and Kate Jackson still feels the sting of being “the smart one” even 30 years after the fact! Grab your Super-Mega-Hold Aqua-Net (white can with pink lettering!) and your pick and let’s jump right on in after the jump!!!….I never thought seeing Emo Gail leave would be so sad, but her tears melted my heart a little bit… but then I remembered that Exotic Nekisa is still around, and that froze me right back up again. Thanks Nekisa! You always know how to harden something on a man, even us gay ones! I’ll tell you straight up, I could care less anymore who wins the money and the other prizes in the package, I just want to see Nekisa get gone… will my wishes and evil prayers (and Santerìa sacrifices) pay off? We’ll just have to wait and see…

Tonight’s recap is brought to you by none other than…

…Bitchy Charlie (in full-on Bitch Modeâ„¢, extra Bitch Sneerâ„¢ sold separately)…

Some of my friends are giving me shit because they can’t stand Charlie, but I staunchly defend his right to be a Shit-Stirring-Queenella, because that makes for great TV, and because he doesn’t let these other bitches get away with their big bags of bullshit. Arright? Say what you will, but his acerbic tongue keeps things on the real side, and in a world that drowns us in daily fakery, it’s refreshing (to me, anyhow) to come across a gravelly voice calling out for a little truth. Plus I bet Charlie’s a freeeeeeak in bed. Just a hunch.

Anyhow, the Shear Genius Nexxus Salon is looking larger and larger as the group shrinks smaller and smaller, and this morning Jaclyn is accompanied by none other than former Asian and current Starchild Colorist, the ever-creepy and strangely compelling Kim Vo!…

…I wonder how it feels to wander around always looking like you just got punched in the mouth? Hmmmmm…

Jaclyn congratulates Ãœber-Gay Paulo on his win and they all ooh and ahh over the badly-lit display on the “Allure Bus-Stop Ad Of Fame”…

…You know you’ve made it on this show when your display rates four fluorescent tube-lights… and none of them are flickering or buzzing…

Jaclyn wastes no time and jumps right into this week’s Short Cut Challenge (helpfully called “Rainbow Connection”) in which the stylestants will each find a cutesy muppet out on the road and help them get to Hollywood to make a movie about them getting to Hollywood! And they all get horribly chewed up by the relentless Hollywood Machinery and wind up as sex-slaves on drugs (don’t tell me a few of you haven’t had some kind of fantasy about Miss Piggy as a dominatrix, you know you do!) Be right back, I’m hungry and I need to go fry up some bacon.

…You know you want this…

Okay, I”m back. *chomp* Now, actually this is going to be “the color challenge” in which the stylestants are supposed to make use of vivid, vibrant, garish, artificial hair coloring… and for once it’s okay. Dammit, Drag Queen Meredith’s brilliant Bozo Red from a few weeks ago would have been so awesome in this challenge! *sigh* Girl, you were ahead of your time.

So, that’s why gayxie Kim Vo is here, to judge them on their coloring jobs today, which makes Dallas Daniel just erect with love as he says “Ah thaink Kim Vo is vayry talented, he is the color god….” and Daniel proceeds to start making angelic “ahhhh-ahhhhhhhhh” sounds as he worships Kim Vo, The Color God…

…which is just perfect since Daniel is the Color Fuschia… and he wants to blow Kim Vo…

Kim tells them that this is his favorite challenge, because he’s done color on everybody from Fergie to Britney, and yes, he actually admits to making Perez Hilton’s head that faboo shade of bloo! And all this time I thought it was just that Perez is really a Smurf, but, okay, Kim colored his hair Toilet Cleaner Blueâ„¢. Hey, it takes inner strength to admit your mistakes out loud, so you go, Kim Vo!

Anyhow, they all go to choose scissor-boxes… instead of numbers, though, each box contains a colored comb like the ones everybody used to keep in their back pockets in the late 70′s/early 80′s when we wanted to make sure our feathered hair stayed ultra-feathered (and parted right down the middle) and plus it was easier to spread lice that way. Each of today’s desperate females has a corresponding comb to pair up with their stylestants.

Jaclyn says they are looking for “extreme color transformation” so in order to allow for full color processing, they are being given four hours for this Short Cut Challenge! Mmmmm, I bet it’s fun to be inhaling the carcinogens in Chinese Red Dye #938 for four hours… hope you ladies don’t need your lungs after today. This news makes Ãœber-Gay Paulo so happy he starts doing that weird air-humping thing again…

…something tells me that this is pretty damn close to Paulo’s actual sex-face…

Even better, the winner will receive immunity in the next Elimination Challenge! Paulo’s still so happy about the four hours that he fails to notice he just got screwed over again… oh well, you take your joy wherever you can I guess. Ah, but Jaclyn wasn’t finished… the winner will also help “determine the outcome” of the Elimination Challenge as well. This news is giving Dallas Daniel a major case of the Vapors… but then again, so do schlubby rich-bitches on TV, so I’m not paying much attention to his histrionics.

And they’re off! Exotic Nekisa immediately starts trying to figure out how she can best screw the pooch by talking about making some kind of giant reddish-purple flower on the side of her client’s head. Her client’s reaction to this is priceless…

…ohh my god, you really have no fucking clue, do you…

Amen, sister, but you’re the one stuck with the big-boobed bottom-dweller. I just hope your hair will grow back after whatever radioactive mess she pulls on it. Maybe they still have a few HairUWear wigs lying around from last week… better keep a couple on hand just in case (but don’t let Nekisa style those, either). Nekisa is also having to remove the coloring her client has already put in her hair before she can really move forward with her plans to fuck up this challenge.

Lesbiana Dee’s client is thinking of “fire-head”. I’m thinking Dee would really like to give her “fire-crotch” instead. She’s talking about blending warm yellow into red. It sounds pretty much like Yoplait Bananas’N'Strawberries Yogurtâ„¢ to me. I say go for it.

Ãœber-Gay Paulo says he’s planning on doing his client’s cut first, and that he’s not worried about color. Ummm, this sounds kinda bad… didn’t Jaclyn and Kim say, oh, about FIFTY TIMES that this whole challenge was alllll about color??!??!? Dear Paulo: you’re getting more lovable by the day, but this whole bonehead thing you keep doing is a huge turn-off. Stop it. love, J-Mo

Kim Vo comes to check in with our Bitchy Charlie, who says that his idea for his client’s coloring is “Flamessssssssssssss”. Only with about 70 more S’s. Kim nods, wipes the spittle off his face and moves on to.Lesbiana Dee, who is now going to put Birds Of Paradise in her client’s hair. Interesting that she’d choose such a, oh, shall we say labial flower to emulate?

…”and then I’m gonna do a Georgia O’Keefe vulvular G-Spot on her forehead…

There’s only one hour left and Ãœber-Gay Paulo must be hearing the dramatic music they’re playing as he says “You know, you look around and everybody’s got some sort of vibrant color, I mean, a lot of it looks like, you know, the rainbow exploded over somebody’s head! You look at mine and I wanted more of a Smurf, sort of, blue color… and I ended up getting what Papa Smurf shit all over her whole head! The color that I chose to put on was just way too dark and it really didn’t give me that contrast that I was looking for…”

…Papa Smurf’s Smurfarrhea…

Ruh-roh! The drains in the Shear Genius Nexxus Salon must be all fulla hair, because suddenly the wash basins are not draining and Exotic Nekisa is panicking and claiming that because of that, the leftover blue color she had in the bowl and on the back of her client’s head went and attacked the other portions of her client’s head in order to turn them blue, too. Evil Smurfaliciousness! Kim Vo comes along and asks Nekisa if this is the color she was going for (in a tone that unmistakably says “really, is this the shit you were planning to show me?”) and she lies and says that yes it is, but then goes on to give her Excuse #954 of the day, which is saying that because her client’s hair sat in the backed up blue water, the fuschia got mad and moved out and let the blue move in and that’s why the color job sucks. It’s not her fault. Except for the whole “leaving the hair in the blue water” thing.

Bitch, if you know this shit is gonna make everything blue, wouldn’t you have hauled ass to find another working sink the very second it started happening so you could avoid this very scenario that you seemed so knowledgable about?? Or at least pull the bitch’s head out of the evil blue water? Or, you know, use some of the pre-colored extensions they have had sitting on the coloring table the entire time (and that you used to demonstrate your color idea to the client)! Nope, it’s just easier to blame other people and things for stuff going wrong, you know?

Guess who agrees with J-Mo? Bitchy Charlie, who says “Of course Nekisa had some tired-ass excuse about how the sink was backing up and that fucked up her color, I was like ‘Um, somehow I don’t think it was the sink…’”

…Bitch, puh-LEEZE!…

Dallas Daniel says that he thinks Dee’s color job looks horrible and makes a big pukey face. Oh Daniel, you just knew I’d have to get a screen shot, didn’t you??

…In Day-llas a lay-dee doesn’t swaller, she spits instayd…

Pukey or not, it’s time for the judging to begin! Let me get my sunglasses on first! And take a sip of my mimosa! Just kidding! I’m doing beer bongs instead…

First up is Exotic Excuses Nekisa…

This girl looks exactly like every single female Tower Records employee I ever worked with. I wonder if she still has a pair of faerie wings she wears to Tori Amos concerts. Exotic Nekisa claims that she meant for it to look like it does (like shit) and that she left the styling down to “show off the vibrancy”. Kim Vo takes one look and says “I don’t see too much vibrancy here…” Nekisa trots out her Evil Blue Water Excuse again and Kim just smiles. I think he’s layin’ for ya, girl… you best gird up your loins now… and Kim strikes hard by asking why she didn’t go use some of the SOCAP USAâ„¢ color extensions they had there for them (oh snap!). Nekisa claims lack of time and insists that she wanted to show off the vibrancy the client DOES have in her hair. Keeping in mind, they had only four hours. And once again, she’s insisting something is there that the judges insist actually isn’t (said “vibrancy”). Bitch, you just suck, admit it and let’s move on!

Next up is Lesbiana Dee and her Brilliant Menstrual Cervix Of Paradise!!!…

Kim claims he sees Bird Of Paradise, but all I’m seeing is used Maxi-Pad, the kind with “wings” that always lands sticky-side down in the wastebasket. Dee says her client is a singer in a rock band (cool, so she’s, like, totally rock’n'roll?) and that she used five different colors. Well, it may be searing my retinas, but it sure is vibrant, and that was the challenge, so I guess a kudo goes to Dee. Just one, though, let’s not get carried away.

Moving right along, here’s Underdog Nicole’s client…

Ho-leee shit! Did I say Dee’s client’s hair looked red? I take it alll back. Well, most of it, because Nicole’s client’s head looks like one giant blood clot (and iron-poor blood at that). She goes into the fact that her client had a bunch of coloring on her hair she had to remove first. Kim Vo nails her with his observation that she was really only successful on the top of the head, not all over. It’s okay Nicole, you can punch him in the face, he won’t even feel it.

And boy oh boy, here is Female Glenn’s client…

Now she turned her client into a multi-flavored popsicle (with strawberry, bananaberry and grapelberry allll within a lick of one another). Kim Vo likes the bananaberry part, but is not so keen on the strawberry or grapelberry flavorings, he says Glenn’s client reminds him of a match-stick. Ooooooh, triple-snap with a twist and side order of onion rings, girl, you been served! Plus, on a personal note, what the fuck is up with that styling? It doesn’t even look natural enough to be a wig, more like some bizarre clown-shop hair-hat got shoved down on her head!

Trudging along to Ãœber-Gay Paulo’s client…

…”I got fucked royally, didn’t I? Spiky boob.”…

Paulo starts laughing the second Kim moves within range of his client, because he knows he’s screwed up bad. Kim says that Paulo “over-processed” the hair, and that’s why it turned darker instead of taking on the color Paulo wanted. Not much more to say about that, other than someone better check up on this girl later, she looks like a cutter to me….

And here’s Bitchy Charlie’s client…

I saw a lot of vivid up-dos like this one last weekend… and not one of them was being worn by a biological female. Charlie reminds us he was going to do “Flaaaamesssssssssssss” but then they changed their minds and decided to do “Carousel Horse”. Way to compliment your lady-friend there, Charllie… are you going to have her answer math questions by stamping her feet now? Anyhow, Charlie worked that color, he’s got red, purple, black, warm brown and golden streaks. It’s hideous and wild and very dragalicious… and Kim Vo loves it!

Last up is Dallas Daniel’s client…

Apparently this does not fall within the boundaries of “Dallas Hayir” because Daniel says he was not excited to do this, but now he loves it and thinks it’s great that someone in Dallas is going to be wearing that hair. Kim says Dallas may not be ready for hair like that. Ouch! That is a slam, cuz Dallas has some tacky bitches roaming the streets, and if Kim thinks they’re not ready for it… still, he got off easier than Nekisa or Paulo did.

And now it’s time to reveal the loozahs of this Short Cut Challenge… and it’s Ãœber-Gay Paulo, for giving his client a faint purple haze when she wanted Papa Smurf Blue… and Exotic Nekisa who immediately does a great big gay eye-roll and whines “Oh my gawwwwwd!”…

…”But I already tole youuuuu, it was the sink’s faaaault!”…

Even less attractive, Nekisa thinks she should argue Kim’s decision and backsasses, “Seriously, her color is VIBRANT! I just think that’s totally unfair!” Kim gets poetic on her ass when he retorts “I hear you singing the blues… I don’t see it in the hair… it was about vibrancy… I don’t think you can blame it on the sink, we all had the same sinks…” Oh snap! You want some Bactine, ‘Kisa-girl? You just got burned! She refuses my kind offer and resorts to sulky pouting, saying “Put me in the bottom again… I’m used to it!”

And you know what, Nekisa? Your bitching was all for nothing anyhow, cuz Ãœber-Gay Paulo is the actual loser of the challenge! You’re just second-suckiest this time around. Does Paulo get all pissed-off and high-school girl on us? No, he shrugs and says “Well, one week you’re up… and another week you go down…” Nekisa looks ashamed of herself for her outburst. She should, too. Bitch.

Now for the much happier news of the top two… which are Lesbiana Dee’s Vaginal Orchid… and Bitchy Charlie’s Priscilla Queen Of The Desert… Kim raves about Charlie’s ‘do, and praises him for pushing the envelope, and also gives kudos to Dee for enhancing her client’s hairstyle… and the winner is… Bitchy Charlie!

This instantly sends Dee into Lesbionic RAGE, as she interviews “That was some bullSHIT! I was definitely first on that one, man! I don’t know what kind of crack Kim Vo is smoking but that looked like a frickin’ drag queen, yo, I’m serious!”… Jeez, Dee, you say that like it’s a bad thing…

…Bitter, party of one? Yes sir, your table is ready…

Sore loser much? Oh, I just bet that Dee is an absolute joy to work with (and I would suspect that there are some co-workers of hers that have been enjoying her absence in Miami while she’s off annoying people in Beverly Hills) and I’m sorry to say that she’s doing nothing to dispel the image of the Stereotypical Angry Lesbian Who Cannot Ever Admit She Might Once Be Wrong About Something.â„¢ Whatever, sour grapes make bitter wine, so drink up, Dee. You deserve it. Oh, and speaking of the crack that Kim Vo is on… it’s called Restylane, and you could use some yourself, you hard-faced clamsmackin’ ho!

Sorry, I guess I’ve sailed over the edge a bit… it just irks me to no end, whenever Dee wins, all is right with the world, and everyone should kiss her ass and congratulate her, but God forbid she should lose, because then it’s all about how she should have won because she’s so much better than everybody else, and she rolls her eyes over other people’s successes. She’s like the Lisa-fucking-Fernandes of “Shear Genius”…

…In case you forgot Lisa, she was the resident ass-faced lesbiana cheftestant of Top Chef Season Four in Chicago…

Eh, well Dee can keep on rollin’ because Jaclyn is congratulating Charlie on being “Shear Genius” and reminds him of his immunity in the next challenge… she then says he won’t be eligible to win the challenge, either, but he will have a “special role” in it. Exotic Nekisa is agitated for some reason, so much so that Jaclyn notices and asks “Nekisa? Are you okay?” and she shouts back “No, I’m really annoyed! So? I mean, I’m just being honest. How you like that, Charlie?”

…It looks like Charlie and his drag queen hair are likin’ it jest fiiiiine…

Nekisa continues her ranting, “I’m just… I’m frustrated!” Jaclyn tries to diffuse her by offering tentatively “You know I think sometimes we welcome criticism because it makes us grow…” to which Nekisa whines “Okay, I’m a giant! I’m huuuge now!” Yeah, a giant huge bitch, but everybody kinda laughs as Jaclyn dismisses them to go back to Casa De Malo Pelo and it seems like the tension eased down a notch…

…but not all the way, as Dallas Daniel observes “Ahh am not raydee to go bayack to thayat house! Ah mean, it is gunna be some sowort of Alabama dogfaht!” Cue exterior shot of the House Of Hell… and it’s the nightly Alcohol Binge, yayyyy, beer-bong time… (*glug* *glug* *glug* *glug* *urp*) and it appears that Bitchy Charlie is talking trash about Exotic Nekisa while she’s in the other room and still within earshot….

“I think she should become a comedienne,” he says, “because the nails won’t get in the way of her being a comedienne, but they clearly get in the way of her doing hair!” Oooooh, girl, you ain’t holding back! Dallas Daniel is trying to be a little sympathetic as he says “I don’t thaink thayat Nekisa hayas cheyecked ayout, I jest thaink that it can rrrrreally wear on yew… but ah can ownlee imagine what it must be lahk for her, jest constantly losing an’ losing an’ losing an’ losing an’ losing an’ losing (looks at Swatch Watch) an’ losing an’ losing” Oh Daniel, you’re such a sweeter brand of bitch, that must be how they grow ‘em in the South!

Nekisa, meanwhile, is babbling drunkenly, something about how she was successful before this, and how she’ll be successful after this… um, no you won’t if anybody’s been paying attention to how much you suck, girl. Dallas Daniel checks back in with “I thaink everayone knows thayat Charlie’s got some fahr in his ah’s for Barbie Nekisa…”

Charlie’s baiting Nekisa, asking if she doesn’t have to be at the porn awards tonight, and she is coming completely unglued as she yells out “I’m so sick of this shit! You are such a fucking shit-talker behind everybody’s back!” Charlie’s response is a slightly slurred one as he says “America loves a shhhhapely woman, don’t ever forget it! It don’t matter if you can do a highlight or not, honey…” Huh? We must be missing part of this conversation, but Charlie himself tells us flat-out “Whenever I get bored, I just go and attack Nekisa, I mean, she’s the easiest target.”

…Gee, which one of them seems more agitated?…

He continues his Nekisa-baiting, saying “…a lotta eyeliner and titties and French manicures might take you right into the top!” to which Nekisa responds “Oh shuuuup Charleeee! *urp* You’ve talked so much shit about everybody here! Fuck you, and fuck your editorials, I never even heard of you!” He counters with, “Well, you don’t read much!” and Nekisa continues with “Lemme tellya somethin’ Charlie, you’ve been in the industry twice as long as I have, you better have some good editorial shit under your sleeve… but don’t try to blame me being in the bottom on my big tits and my big acrylic nails, because you know what? All that is said and done, I can still do the same shit you’ve done… Okay?”

Completely unperturbed, Charlie calmly asks, “Are you finished?” which sets her off all over again as she shrieks, “Whatever! Whatever, I’m just saying fuck you and fuck you and your big-ass ego, I mean just because I don’t have a big-ass ego doesn’t mean I’m a worse hairdresser than you are…” and she staggers out of the room to puke somewhere… probably in her own bed…. or Dee’s. And speaking of Lesbiana Dee, where has she been this whole time? I would have thought she would have been already challenging Charlie to a knife-fight for talking smack about her new girlfriend, but Dee is nowhere to be found. She’s probably still sulking after losing today. Oh well, would have been funny to add her into this volatile mix. I noticed all the others just sitting and watching like they were at a really good tennis match… time to go seepy-bye now! Nite-nite!

Ahhh, hazy daybreak in L.A., and upon entering a strangely empty Salon, the stylestants find a clunky ugly box on the table where René Fris should be admiring himself in several mirrors at once. They’re all freaked out because they don’t know what it is! Underdog Nicole even went so far as to think it was “filled with something”… yes, unlike your heads you morons! Any fool who has ever seen Jaclyn Smith in her heyday (before K-Mart called upon her door) would recognize a speaker-box sorta like the one they had on that funny TV show “Charlie’s Angels” that all these people claim to be fans of (Underdog Nicole gets a pass, she’s probably actually too young to really remember it, but Paulo and Charlie and Glenn should be ashamed of themselves for not having figured it out sooner)…

…this was MY personal “Charlie’s Angels” fantasy back in the day…

…but in reality, we suddenly hear the disembodied voice of René Fris as he says sexily “Mowning stylists!” and they all finally get it (duh) and clap and cheer like they just understood a complex concept like quantum physics or the theory of spatial dimensions or why Paula Abdul still has a career! Yay for feeling accomplished over nothing!

René goes on to steal my opening line (which I, in turn, stole from the original show, except mine is an homàge so it’s okay) as he says (over the original fabulous disco theme) “Once uponna taiyme… theah wuh seven liddle stylist… oll ov thaim worged an told in diffraint salonss… budthey wair tagun awayy from oll uf that to pairfom thwilling haiow challenjuss… Once uponna taiyme… theah wuh three liddle angelss… who waiynt to da poLEEZE acadaimy… they wair ollso tagun awayy in owdur to egspairiunze a laiufe off dayncherr an exsidemint… thay waint toworg fora mann nayum Charlie!” which causes Bitchy Charlie to strike a Vogueing pose…

…Charlie gets a Speakerboxxx shout-out, and the rest of ‘em are jealousssss…

Renévoize goes on to introduce one of the original Charlie’s Angels… Jaclyn Smith! The stylestants all clap like they haven’t seen her every day for the last six weeks! And let me just say, that Jaclyn Smith must be truly a goddess walking the earth and with a huge sense of humor to allow this real-ality show to continually make reference to her acting heyday from 30+ years ago on a show that was referred to at the time as “jiggle television”, it takes a strong woman to be so good-natured about it. I loves me some Jaclyn!

Jaclyn tells them that she’s super-excited for today’s challenge because it’s “The Charlie’s Angels Challenge”! Bitchy Charlie enthuses that “Charlie’s Angels” was his favorite show when he was little and that Kelly Garrett (Jaclyn’s character) was his favorite, and he feels like such a starfucker right now! Well, I wouldn’t go that far, Charlie, I haven’t seen Jaclyn tear your clothes off and gobble you like a piece of candy just yet.

She goes on to explain that they are going to work in teams of two, and each team will have a set of three women to work with, each representing the three original Charlie’s Angels (sorry Cheryl Ladd, Shelley Hack and Tanya Roberts, you three just aren’t iconic enough, even if one of you was on the show longer than Farrah was and played her younger sister!)…

The challenge is going to be for each of the teams to “reinvent the signature hairstyles” from the show, and although they are working in teams, they are going to be judged as individuals (which probably makes Tabatha bitter to hear that since she went home on a team challenge last season, but what does she care? Bitch has a spinoff coming up!) and guess who gets to decide who is on what team? Yup, Bitchy Charlie does! Ãœber-Gay Paulo opines that “Charlie having that advantage is like Satan having your soul… It’s not gonna be good!” Oh Paulo, what are you worried about, you know he’s not gonna fuck with you at all.

Jaclyn goes on to tell Bitchy Charlie that he will not be participating in this challenge as an active team member, but more as a “roving stylist” (like Zorro or something) and he cannot win or lose this challenge. All right Charlie! That sounds like an awesome spot to be in, sit back, play with some hair and just bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch and annoy Nekisa and Dee. I’m down with that!

To start off, Charlie makes Lesbiana Dee’s wettest, sloppiest dreams come true by pairing her with none other than Exotic Mucosa… I mean, Nekisa! And the face Dallas Daniel makes upon this announcement is fabulous…

…”Oh no he DI-ent! Ooh, Nekisa ah fear for yowur payanties, girrul!”…

But Charlie’s not being entirely good to either of them as he notes “Dee and Nekisa get along out of the salon, but Nekisa does not like to be told what to do and she’s very stubborn! Dee likes to control everything, so I think that they will really clash!” Charlie is a slickster…. but I think he’s also gotten it dead-right on these two.

Next up, Charlie pairs up mortal enemies Underdog Nicole and Female Glenn, and the look these two give immediately upon hearing this is also trés fabuloso…

…but they turn towards each other and give each other a desultory high-ish five whilst each of them is imagining the better part of the other’s face under her fingernails.

For the third team, Charlie calls them “The Golden Girls” of Ãœber-Gay Paulo and Dallas Daniel! Yay, Gay-boys versus The Lesbianas (Nekisa included, you know she’s a boxed-wine kind of lesbiana) versus the Blondes! Lesbiana Dee is completely in shock over the pairings as she says she thinks Charlie chose people who can work well together, and says “Who would have thought that Charlie would do something so nice?” Well, I did, but I’ll tell you who wouldn’t have been so nice… Lesbiana Dee! And with that, they bring on today’s gluttons for torture…

…The Retro-70′s Masochistic Hair Club For Women…

And after divvying up the ladies with the three teams, why here’s René Fris in person! Someone might have to explain to Underdog Nicole that he wasn’t inside that tiny little box after all. René gives them only two hours to complete all three styles before telling them to GO SHAYGEDD!

Exotic Mucosa… I mean Nekisa… says her strategy for today is to have all three of the ladies looking phenomenal AND to get Dee to understand her vision! *snort* Good luck there, Nekisa, you ain’t been the bottom bitch in a diesel dyke relationship yet, and you’re about to find out that about the only thing you can get Dee to understand is when you’re hungry and when you have to go pee-pee… everything else, she will see your lips moving, but all she will hear is “na-ba-da-ba-da-ba-dah!”

Meanwhile Dallas Daniel is saying “Ah was KWAHT exSAHTed when ah reuhlahzed we were gonna do a Chorlie’s Ayngels b’cuz ah lahk a vayree full 1970′s Southern Caylifornia stahl hayir!” while Ãœber-Gay Paulo worries “My biggest fear going into it with Daniel is he’s a Texas hairdresser, so he does BIG hair, he does a lot of round-brushing and all that! (gay eye-roll)”

…the subtleties of Texas Hayirâ„¢…

Even more fun, now that Female Glenn and Underdog Nicole are being forced to work together Glenn seems to be amending her opinion somewhat… “In the payast ah HAYAV said thayat Nicole is graine, but today ah thaink being ayble t’work with someone lakh mahsayilf who is mowur experienced gayve her a little ayckstra OOMPH!” Okay, way to be humble there, Glenn. And what does Underdog Nicole think? “The one thing I was really afraid of having a problem with Glenn is that she tends to do, like… conservative old lady hair… and this challenge is about taking these amazing women who were, like, superheroes in the past, and recreate them for the world today!”

…Former Arizona Governor Rose Mofford and her Dairy Queen Hair would be one of Glenn’s peeps today! Holler at your girl!…

Basically Female Glenn is ordering Underdog Nicole around, but Nicole isn’t being completely compliant as she says “I just did not want anyone to come out looking like Betty White!”

Ãœber-Gay Paulo and Dallas Daniel are actually grateful to have Bitchy Charlie around as a floater to bounce ideas off of and to help out, and he seems to genuinely want to help them out. It turns out Daniel has been pleasantly surprised by how easy it is working with Paulo and he says to René Fris “We’re gonna take theyes bitches DAYOOWN!” René asks “Which ones?” and Daniel replies “Anyone with a vahJAHna in the rewm!” and then he cackles madly and then quickly turns to his client (who has a vagina) and whispers “not you!”

Meanwhile, Exotic Nekisa is still simmering in her bitterness over yesterday’s challenge (way to let the past go and concentrate on the future, no wonder you’re such a ball of lightning, girl!) as she says “Yesterday Charlie did such a shitty up-do, and then he won it? So today he doesn’t have to do anything but walk around and act like the sassy bitch that he is?” Yup, you got it, Nekisa, and if your ass hadn’t tanked yet again yesterday, it would be your smarmy sassy ass walking around not having to do anything but be a huge bitch to everyone! But you didn’t win, and you’re not allowed to do that, so shut it.

Lesbiana Dee pipes in “Having Charlie to come around and assist us all was actually quite nice to have him as my little bitch today!” There’s that classy side again, and keep feeding the illusion that somehow he’s your bitch when he’s the one who can’t go home today no matter what happens!

And speaking of not winning, Nekisa is working on their version of Farrah under the concerned eyes of René Fris, and she says she’s doing tight curls although the woman’s hair does not hold a curl… Oh Jesus, not this again! Don’t you people learn anything from previous challenges? Well, Dee certainly has, as she clocks those curls are sucky and says she kept her hands off because it “wasn’t her vision”. Yup, the bus is a-comin’ and Dee’s a-gettin’ ready to push!

Just like Charlie predicted, Dee is steamrolling all over Nekisa, who says “Sometimes I look at her and I’m like, ‘Girl! You have A.D.D.! Chill out!’” and now Dee is actually going back and re-cutting one of the model’s hair (although when Eagle-Eye René clocks this, Dee insists that she’s just “refining it”… by completely changing it.)

Ohhh, God, here we go with the hair show, and back again is Kim Vo, and Prissy Kelly Atterton, whose hair coloring I think could use some touching up, but apparently Kim is mad at her so he’s not going to do it for her and says “Get a box of Feria, bitch!” And Jaclyn introduces today’s guest judge… Kate Jackson!

Can someone explain to me why Dallas Daniel must make this face every time he sees somebody even slightly famous on this show???..

…I can see what someone’s mug shots are gonna look like on The Smoking Gun…

But Kate actually looks quite nice, I’m glad she’s not all haggish like some other Angel we know about…

…”God, doesn’t anybody remember “Scarecrow And Mrs. King??!?!?”…

And as each group comes out, they all do the really stupid cheesy and totally overused “Charlie’s Angels Pose”… except they’ve got it all wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong!

Contrary to how these three bimbos are doing it, the true and accurate pose they did not all have guns! Only Farrah had the gun, Kate had a walkie-talkie, and Jaclyn had karate-hands! Ugh, get it right! Anyhow, here’s what they did to ‘em (and it’s a good thing they only have pretend guns, or there’d be six bleeding stylestants laying on the floor with multiple gunshot wounds)

Sorry, but Female Glenn’s and Underdog Nicole’s version of Kate Jackson looks like J-Lo if she were a white Bible-Belt Housewife with Chicken-Neck. Not cute and not modern at all (unless you consider “modern” to be “anything after 1975″). I wonder if Female Glenn is responsible for this mess?

And is it possible that their Jaclyn could be worse? Oh yes, it is! Wasn’t the wig challenge last week? Did she fall in the pool? Where is my next beer bong? This just looks like Homeless meets Electrocution. Double-ugh.

Wow, I didn’t realize that Nicole Richie was so bored with her new baby that she’s doing real-ality TV on Bravo… she looks great, although I think we’ve all seen that hair a zillion times before… in her mugshot!

Bwahahahahahahaha!

Anyhow, next up for execution is Ãœber-Gay Paulo and Dallas Daniel…

I dunno who picked out these clothes, but she looks like a grade-school Librarian Aide who might secretly be having an affair with Mr. Anderson the fat P.E. Teacher just cuz she’s bored… in 1987! The hair looks like a severe and harsh bob straight out of the “Father Figure” video…

I bet Kate Jackson is feeling pretty pissed off at Jaclyn for convincing her to come on this goddamn show, all these people apparently still think of her as “The Ugly Angel Who Never Gets Any”.

And now it’s Jaclyn’s turn to get pissed!

Honey, I don’t get an ounce of Jaclyn out of this lame-ass hair, but I do get several unnecessary pounds of Jo De La Rosa, the uneven-faced “star” of “Date My Ex: Jo And That Turd Who Doesn’t Care That His Son Is Dying Of Brain Cancer Because Real-Ality TV Is Much More Fun.” Hell, this girl could be a co-worker of mine, and believe me when I say I don’t work with a single one of Charlie’s Angels… *sigh*, they’re all boning it, and boning it hard…

And let’s see what they did to Farrah….

Well, they got the vapid stare down correctly… oh wait, that’s the client! Well, I can’t say tooo much bad about this, because it is very Farrah-like, but is it modern? Are 8-Track Tapes? Shag Carpeting? “Love, American Style”? *sigh* I don’t think so, but in Daniel’s defense, there are probably more than a few girls walking around Dallas who look like this (but with cowgirl hats on) so I will give him a half-a-pass on this mess.

Last up to go is the Incredible Power Couple of Lesbiana Dee and Exotic Mucosa.. -er Nekisa!

I’ve got two words: “helmet” and “head”. It looks like Kate Jackson’s got two words, too…

…and I bet they rhyme with “truck” and “poo”, cuz that’s what this representation of her hair looks like, a girl who got run over by a sanitation vehicle. Dee is already distancing herself from this abomination… Great, everybody gave ugly Kate Jacksons today. Do you bitches know this woman has beat breast cancer? Twice? And she’s been financially robbed by two out of three ex-husbands? Well, according to Wikipedia she has! You should be ashamed of yourselves! Ugh, let’s move on…

Well, this is nice enough, I guess, but again, I don’t really get a sense of Jaclyn Smith out of it. She’s even more well known for her current hairstyles from this show, why didn’t anyone go that route? (that should have been an obvious choice and would have given each of the three teams an easy positive review on at least ONE of their girls). This just looks like Random Mall Girl.

Well, let’s see how Nekisa fared with her Farrah…

Seriously? She should just go home now. That looks like so much used-Whataburger vomit-soaked drag-wig to me. I have no clue how Nekisa even thinks this is something anyone would want to go down the street wearing, unless they were already arrested and in the back of a squad car.

It’s time to judge, and Jaclyn asks Kate what she thinks of Dee and Nekisa’s looks. Kate pauses and says “Umm…. you know, it was back 30 years, I don’t have a thought in my head!” Not a good sign. Jaclyn picks up on this and gives Dee a chance to explain how they arrived at this mess. Dee immediately starts saying how she was responsible for the Jaclyn, and she “let” Nekisa do the Farrah… and almost immediately she realizes that was kind of a Power-Lesbionic mistake, because Kim Vo picks right up on it and says “I’m hearing a lot of ‘I let..’, ‘I did..’, ‘I’, ‘I’, ‘I’… let’s pull her up!” and they bring forth Nekisa’s hideous Farrah….

…”Nekisa, you in danger girl!”…

Kim just fucking blasts Nekisa for the hair not even moving as the girl walks up, he sees holes, and then he asks Bitchy Charlie what he thinks about it, and Charlie immediately responds with “I hate it!” to which Nekisa responds “Of course!’ Yeah, well Kim Vo also just got done saying that it sucks, too, so it’s not like Charlie’s just being “bitchy without merit” you scag. Jaclyn finishes off by saying it lacks movement, life, shine and condition… so basically it’s corpse hair. Way to go Nekisa!

Kim goes after Lesbiana Dee next and makes her spell out that she didn’t have anything to do with the Farrah. Kelly Atterton asks her if she stands behind the Farrah, and Lesbiana Dee completely immolates her image by bitchily snapping “I don’t stand behind any of the Farrahs!”

Excuse me? Did anyone ask you to? Of course you’re not going to stand behind hair work done by another team, you cross-eyed pint-sized hard-faced poonhound, but you couldn’t stand not to take an insulting shot at the other teams just the same? Cheesus, talk about class-free! My mouth just dropped open, so I had to put another beer in there. Lesbiana Dee also just earned herself some hatred looks from Paulo. I feel you, girl, this bitch is demonic!

Let’s move on to Dallas Daniel and Ãœber-Gay Paulo. Kim Vo flat out says of their Kate Jackson Severe Bob “We’ve seen this cut for the fifth time in these challenges… I’m over the cut!” and Jaclyn is nodding gravely. She brings up Paulo’s wig win from last week and says “That had movement… that was very reminiscent of Farrah. It didn’t look like a hairstyle, and that’s what Farrah’s hair was, it was bigger than life, wasn’t it Kate? And you never knew where it would land…”

Kate Jackson jumps in with “Never knew when it would be in front of your face and the camera couldn’t see you! Never knew when!”

Jaclyn comes back with “We didn’t even know we had hair, did we?”

Kate agrees, “You know the whole crew had to stop one day because the two of them (gesturing to Jaclyn and Invisible Farrah) had their heads over brushing their hair upside down… I just kinda said, ‘Hey guys… be quiet and let the money brush the hair!’… and I don’t think they ever knew what it meant!” Wow, this is some longtime simmering anger coming through here… and also television gold…

…still bitter after all these years…

Jaclyn has been trying to be nice, but she comes back with “No, I didn’t know you said that until years later!” and her look seems to be one of warning….

…”Don’t fuck with me, Kate… I’ve been selling clothes at K-Mart for years so I know how to cut a bitch!”…

They move on to Female Glenn and Underdog Nicole’s work. Glenn says Nicole is a strong cutter, and she’s a strong colorist, and that Nicole did Jaclyn, while she did Kate, and the both of them (plus Charlie) did Farrah. Kelly Atterton asks Charlie if he saw them doing anything that he wanted to change, and he pipes up that he wanted something different for the Jaclyn look because he was afraid it looked “too old”. Oh snap! Kim wants a closer look and demands to know who is responsible for the toilet-roll curls… Glenn does the stand-up thing and says she did that. Kim wants to know why they didn’t use the hair-pieces they were given to beef up what the clients already had, and Glenn honestly says they just ran out of time.

It’s Kelly Atterton’s turn to assassinate as she flat out states “This is not a style that we would ever have on the pages of Allure Magazine! I mean, it’s limp, it looks like there’s been an attempt to put volume in there but it didn’t hold up at all!” Ouch, even Paulo, Daniel, Dee and Nekisa are wincing now! Glenn looks like a deer in the headlights… of a 747.

And with that, Jaclyn dismisses them all, reminding them that the only person safe is Charlie. After everyone is out of there Jaclyn sounds very upset that everyone sucked so bad and says she wouldn’t have worn any of those styles at all, that they were all caricatures! When Jaclyn asks Kate if she would wear any of these styles, Kate responds with a very dry “Don’t ask me that…” Kim Vo is amazed (like I was) that none of them used Jaclyn’s current hairstyles as inspiration. Oh my God, Kim and I shared an exact same thought! Maybe I’m a gayxie, too! Let me check…

Nope, I’m still too fat to be a gayxie, you must have a BMI of no more than 15 to be granted gayxie status, and mine is hovering somewhere around 47. *sigh* That’s okay, I get to eat and all Kim gets to do is fly around and puke everything up.

And tonight there is no winner! Ooooooh, is that a first or what? Jaclyn says “None of your work was Shear Genius!”

And the bottom two are called out as Exotic Nekisa (no shock there) and Female Glenn (also not shocking, at least to anyone watching, but it sure is a shock to Glenn, because she didn’t see anything wrong with what she did). Nekisa insists that her Farrah was better than the other two Farrahs, she doesn’t care what anyone else says… yeah, except for the judges, you know?

And the one going home…. is Female Glenn! DAMMIT ALL TO HELL! GRRROWGHR PKP NHJJ HNJK LMI VVGFH NJKJ LMK ow, I gotta stop punching my keyboard, that hurts, owie. Glenn is absolutely crushed, Nekisa is shocked, and Paulo’s face says everything you need to know…

…The wrong person is crying in this picture…

In a deadened voice, Jaclyn tells Nekisa she is safe and she may join the others. The look on “The Golden Girls”‘ faces is pretty telling…

…You best watch your tires Nekisa, I think you might have made a couple of enemies now…

Almost everyone is crying… Glenn, Nekisa, Dee, Nicole, Paulo, Daniel… I don’t know if Charlie is or not, they don’t show him in this scene. Jaclyn gives Glenn a chance to say goodbye and she takes the classy route and says what a great experience it was and how she loves all the competitors and says “I should have tried harder.” Oh my Go-*thunk*

Ow, I just hit the floor again… she didn’t blame someone else? The judges? The client??! The sink?!?! Wow, that is just amazing, and it’s going to be even more amazing to see when Nekisa finally runs out of teeth skin and actually gets sent home if she takes any notes from these other stylestants or if she just whines and pouts and cries.

Next week we are going to combine seafood with hair (blech) and Lesbiana Dee gets all high-and-mighty about how when people talk shit about other people that they’re really insecure about themselves. Wanna take bets on whether or not she’s doing any shit-talking next week herself?

What did you think of this episode? Were you disappointed that the first challenge was so much more fun than the second one? Does Kate Jackson seem really super bitter? Are you ready for Nekisa to get c*ntpunted into obscurity?

I hope you all enjoyed this episode, things are bound to get weirder and tougher from here on out, and I can’t wait to see how squid with extra tentacles makes it’s way into a hairstyle next week!

love, J-Mo