Shear Genius: Stand By Your Brand

Hey everybody, welcome back. You know, as a professional of any kind, whether it’s hairstyling, singing or drag-queen-backup-dancing, things don’t always go exactly the way you’ve planned. Sometimes you just have to roll with the unexpected changes that come your way and do the best you can to suppress the urge to throttle the people responsible…

…but if you’re smart you can let those same people know you’re pissed in other ways…

And on tonight’s second-to-last episode of Shear Genius it’s all about rolling with it and taking risks, some of which will pay off grandly and others of which will just plain fuck everything up. Also, each of the four remaining stylestants will have a chance to torture Cameltoe and the final Elimination Challenge goes nothing like any of us thought it would. Grab a cocktail and let’s take the jump!…

We start off with a peaceful shot of Los Angeles…

…being slowly eaten by giant daisies…

…and move right along to an equally horrifying shot from the HateLoft…

…TrannyLips in the morning…

I swear, that’s exactly how my BF looked when he had an allergic reaction to an antibiotic. I didn’t want to kiss him at the time, either. Following that we are treated to the image of BrigAuNaturale in the morning…

…girl, for the love of the children, please finish hydrating and go put on a wig…

I’m also hoping that Garofalo there isn’t planning on wearing that super-short strapless babydoll dress for the challenges today, I can’t handle seeing so much of her stumpy little legs, if there happens to be a stray breeze we’re only an inch or two away from being turned to stone by the sight of her Evil Zuni Doll Hoo-Hah. And speaking of vaginas with teeth, where is our Miss MattBian this morning?…

…getting ready to shit all over Kelly Choi for being on a better Bravo competition show…

Actually, a P.A. slid some kind of gilded invitation under the door and MattBian decides to go crawl into bed with TrannyLips and make him wake up and read it to everyone. Except Yawn has too many eye-boogers to focus so MattBian does it for him, “For today’s ShortCut Challenge you will be styling your V.I.P. talent at a mansion in The Hills.” Tranny wonders if maybe they’re going to go to the Playboy Mansion… “Of course, what’s a gay guy gonna do at the Playboy Mansion?” Duh, what else do gay guys do there? Makeup and HAIR!

Meanwhile BrigALectric jokingly asks if her hair looks okay to go do this challenge…

…if “V.I.P. Talent” = “Courtney Love”, then certainly…

BrigADowntown says this kind of thing is way out of her element and wonders aloud to the Tiresome Twosome what she should wear to this kind of thing. Garofalo says “Something fancy.” which means she’s going to wear her best Nellie Oleson Sunday Dress that is certainly fancy by the standards of Walnut Creek, MN in 1887. However, MattBian’s a tad more helpful, “You want to look capable aaaand dressed up but not, like, black tie.” BrigADamned’s all like, “Cool, I’m gonna rock my red bow with my white polka dots!”…

…and rock it she does, along with her teal Hammer Pantsâ„¢…

They all load into a limo and head on up into the Hollywood Hills where they meet Cameltoe in the backyard of a lovely and horribly overpriced home. She starts things off by congratulating MattBian on yet another meaningless and prize-free win that will be featured on the Allure Wall Of Same back in the darkened studio for most of the next couple of days…

…Yippee-ki-yi-yay motherfuckers…

Boobsy McTittybreast there looks like she just might lasso and hogtie a random sexist egotistical lying hypocritical bigot at any moment and drag him back to 1980 with her. “Modern take” my ass.

Anyhow, Cameltoe’s saying something about how working in the “client’s space” has it’s perks (yeah, namely for the client, meaning they barely have to haul their lazy ass out of bed) as well as it’s challenges (namely for the stylist, because you never know when someone is going to huck a cell phone at your head) and today’s client is going to be… Cameltoe! Ahhhhh, how tricky (and cost-effective) of them!

You know, I noticed something odd about Cameltoe’s hair that was very surprising… especially on someone who obviously considers themselves to be an elevated “V.I.P.” for being Matthew McConaughey’s cum-dumpster… and that something is…

…six-inch roots?!?!!…

For shame, Cameltoe! That’s just plain offensive, and I don’t care if your real hair has been covered up this entire season by wigs and rats and falls and extensions, there is no excuse for not having had your color either filled in or touched up. You can’t call them “highlights” when they’re down past your chin, dearie.

In any case, everybody’s faux-excited about doing Cameltoe’s hair, especially MattBian, who’s busy doing his usual lying gush, saying what a perfect face she has, and that she’s got a great amount of hair. In MattBianese “great” must mean “Diana-Ross-wig-sized”, cuz bitch has a ton of hair. Still, since Cameltoe’s going to be the sole judge for this challenge, I guess he’s smart for sucking up to her at the speed of light…

…since there’s no wadabada to save their asses this time…

Can she even pronounce the word “impartial”? This shit is so gonna be a fix-job. Anyhow, she’s breeng in a spatial guess too console whiff hair. I mean a special guest to consult with her, and shockingly it’s another cost-saving choice, BoreLando Peta! Who tells us that Cameltoe’s biggest pet peeve is when Matty Mack wants head in the morning that she likes her hairline to be totally smooth. Ohhhhhkay, mustn’t have a fuzzy hairline but fug tu-tone hair doesn’t bother her in the slightest.

So they’ll each have 45 minutes to consult and style Cameltoe’s hair for “a night out” after which she will be photographed, have the ‘do undid and then start with the next stylestant. Winner gets to yell at everyone else how much they wish Brialien was still in the competition. Let’s pick scissor-boxes!…

…and watch everyone except BrigALicious’ head explode…

I see Garofalo forewent the pioneer look today, and instead decided to dress like a (half-eaten) grapelberry rocket pop. I have never seen people pout as much as the Tiresome Twosome do whenever they don’t happen to snag the #1 box! As if the order means fuckall in this so-called “challenge”. In any case, BrigAnTine is sailing forth first, and her idea is to take the hair back into this bun with a bunch of hair-pins sticking out of it. This causes Cameltoe to make a face…

…and it’s prolly the same one she makes when Matty Mack wakes her up in the morning and gestures at his engorged schlong…

She nixes the porcupine bun idea, saying she likes to keep it simple and not too complicated. Well, I guess that’s true, we’ve seen what happens when she lets things get complicated…

…she gets all smirky…

So as BrigADerision continues with styling her hair, Cameltoe wants to know what she would do with the $100,000.00 if she won. Brig says since she owns her own salon that she’d continue to invest the money in her business and her career and the team that supports her, which is great, because I’m sure a lot of people probably think she’d go blow it on candy and hair-bows and gold lamé clothing.

She tells us the last few weeks have been really rough being away from her support system and that she’s had to “dig really deep” to bring her A-game. Ugh, I don’t even wanna suggest some of the letters I think her game has been… but I will say that they stand for some of my favoritest curse-words!

Then Cameltoe tries to get all dishy with her, saying how since the beginning more than a few of the other stylestants have had problems with her Briggishness. Instead of talking shit about the others (which I think is what Cameltoe was hoping for) she just says she’s there to compete and not defend herself all the time…

…then she contemplates lopping off the majority of Cameltoe’s hair in one big snip…

It would certainly cure her of her roots problem. With 15 minutes left BoreLando comes by to ask stupid questions like “Are you going to have time to make something gorgeous out of the back?” Like she’s gonna answer “Nope. I’m hoping for it to turn out like homeless hooker hair.” Ugh, please go be pointless somewhere else BoreLando! In the end, it’s hard to tell if what BrigADoody did was smooth enough, and the main photo from BravoTV isn’t very helpful, either…

…she needs a big hair bow…

I think it kinda sucks that they didn’t even bother to get a shot where the dress was properly smoothed down (and not showing the lining) but whatever, next up is Miss Garofalo, and she barely gets started before Cameltoe’s all up in her business wanting to know “What eez bee going on inda houzze between yoo an Breeg?” Well, if she was looking for shit-talking, Garofalo does not disappoint: “She’s meeeeeeean!” whines the Tiny Mean Girl (and they cut to BrigAMeanie outside on the patio playing with a yo-yo. Only I guess she’s doing it real mean-like. Or something.) “And I don’t like how she conducts herself, she’s not professional!” Oh great, here we fucking go again with Our Lady Of Perpetual Professional Behavior (which includes aaaaaall the hits, such as “Giggling Openly When Someone Else Gets A Negative Critique” and “Audibly Swearing Whenever Someone Not In Your Clique Does Something Annoying, Such As Breathing” and my personal favorite “Ganging Up On Misfits Only When You Have Your Lesbian Boyfriend To Back You Up.”)…

Cameltoe’s loving this, and slyly prods, “Do you thing she’s a good hairdraysser?” and Garofalo snottily responds “I haven’t been super-impressed”…

…she says as she fries the shit out of Cameltoe’s hair. Impressive. …

Then Garofalo whines to us about how much she struggles with Briggles, and how badly she hopes “the gig is up for her.” Meanwhile, BoreLando comes along to ask what Garofalo’s doing (besides making Cameltoe’s hair smoke) and she says since Camel’s dress is short, she thinks hair down is a better look. BoreLando says that’s tricky because the hair has to hold it’s shape for the entire evening. I guess he’s never heard of AquaNet and how bulletproof it can make your hair.

However, Garofalo’s insisting that it’s going to be “a loose set” so it’s not going to be a “super-precise-intentional-it’s-gonna-be-a-disaster-if-it-breaks-up-curl”. Except Cameltoe stops her and says that’s exactly what she doesn’t want, because that kind of loose set falls apart halfway through the event and it has no shape. Garofalo realizes she’s totally underestimated the difficulty of Cameltoe’s demanding personality hair…

…She responds by trying to blind Cameltoe with the Nexxus brand hairspray…

Then she actually tries to put a hairband on her with some tattered black mourning veil attached to it, and Cameltoe’s all “It’s very cute but not for where I’m going.” It looks like she’s really flailing now, and when time runs out it just kinda looks like she didn’t really style it much…

…other than to stick some more of that punk-prairie mourning veil in it…

It occurs to me that this look strongly reminds me of someone…

…someone small and evil and pissy and dressed like an 1800′s saloon hooker…

Yeah, the whole point of the challenge wasn’t to remake Cameltoe in your own image, Garofalo. FAIL. Let’s see how MattBian does. He’s suggesting something “more clathhhhic” like a side-part, which should be easy now that the entire side of Cameltoe’s head is covered in spittle. While he’s working she’s asking him about his husband and how long they’ve been together and how he feels about the competition, and it’s really kind of pissing him off…

…and it’s clear he wishes she would just STFU before he’s forced to slap her…

She’s not making him feel any better when she calls into question his sectioning abilities, saying they’re not “clean” and he’s about to lose his shit, especially when he sees there are only five minutes left and she’s still kind of a giant frizzball. In the end he says he’d have liked another five minutes…

…and a way to make her look even more screamingly severe…

Last up is TrannyLips, and he’s also thinking of a sleek and classic up-do while he roughly yanks on her hair like he always does with all of his clients. I sometimes wonder if he’s not playing out secret little S&M scenes while he’s doing hair? I notice while he’s working he doesn’t seem to mind bantering with her. In fact, he goes so far as to tell her that part of the reason he moved from New York City to a place like Nashville is because a couple of his friends died (he doesn’t specify but it sounds like it may have been drug-related) and he was lucky he got out before the same thing happened to him. Too bad he didn’t escape before that back-alley queen got her silicone syringe into his lips!

Privately, of course, he’s telling us that chit-chatting with Cameltoe, who’s “been on every runway in the world” is just making him even more nervous, and then *tsss*! he promptly burns her with the curling iron…

…an accident, or is her painface giving Yawn a total woody?…

Whoopsie. “Oooh, you okay? Did I get you?” he asks, and Cameltoe’s imperious side instantly appears as she coldly replies “Yezz yoo did, jus takeet eezee.” Well, that kinda shut down the friendly convo, and now he’s struggling to get her hair to smooth out before time runs out. He doesn’t look too confident by the time he finishes…

…note how they turned her head to hide her newly-seared left ear…

Now that they’re all done, let’s see how clumsily Cameltoe can come up with reasons not to let Brig or TrannyLips win! Starting with Brig, she bitches that the style she created was not really age-appropriate for her. “I’m a mother, and this was like a very young kind of look!” Here’s a side view…

…oh yes, this up-do clearly screams “potty training in progress”…

This is such a totally and completely bullshit reason for BrigHamTooYoung’s failure, mostly because we all know how heavily into looking “age-appropriate” both Hollywood and the fucking modelling industry are…

…Cameltoe’d prolly rock this look if she thought she could get away with it…

Also…. they don’t call them “M.I.L.F.s” because they really look like your mom, mkay? Oh well, sorry BrigADaddyslittlegirl, no advantage for you!

Moving on, she tells Garofalo that she liked how she kept her styling simple and left it down. Great, Garofalo’s already getting that smug-ass look on her evil little Zuni-face. Barf. AHHHH, but then Cameltoe drops the bomb that she made the “beegess meestake” possible with her hair. She tried to smooth it by only using a brush and a blow-dryer, which isn’t enough heat apparently to keep Cameltoe’s hairsies in line, so within a half-hour her natural frizzy-ass texture showed right back up…

…as if anyone would notice anything besides that terrible dye-job…

Garofalo’s face is priceless upon hearing this, so I figured I’d do a little .gif for you all to celebrate it…

…Haaa ha-ha haaaaaa haaaa!…

Seeing that Garofalo’s butthole is bleeding from the assfucking she just got, MattBian’s face says that he’s perplexed and worried because things are not going according to plan…

…Error 404: Overconfidence Not Found…

Cameltoe says he did a beautiful job on the front, but he left this weird bump of hair in the back that kinda ruined it and kept it from being “perfect” for her…

…sorry MattBian, but bulging hairnias are never pretty…

Wow, so it seems like three fails, does this mean TrannyLips won? Fuck no! Even though she says he had the best shape to start with, in the end he “deeden eggsekyude eet right”…

…which I think is her little passive-aggressive way of saying “Yoo burn da sheet oudda my eer azzhoal!”…

Wow, so this bitch is one picky-ass complainer, huh? Gee, I wonder who’s going to win? MattBian again. Zzzzzzzzz. Cameltoe’s positively creaming herself over how smooth and clean the edges were, and that she felt she could be photographed on the red carpet with that hair style. Yeah, and everybody’d be like “What the fuck is about to give birth on the back of this bitch’s head?!?” Boo.

Oh well, at least it wasn’t Garofalo winning for trying to turn Cameltoe into Camelfalo ver2.0. I can be happy with that. Sorta.

Now, let’s back up a minute and see what all this yo-yo-ing meanness was all about. It seems BrigAroundTheWorld was out on the patio enjoying the sunshine and playing with her yo-yo when she somehow convinced TrannyLips to join her (she had an extra). She tells us now that there’s no one else left to talk to he’s forced to come her direction for entertainment….

…I wish I knew where mine was, but I think half of it broke and now all I have is a yo…

It’s kinda cute, they’re actually just having fun and Yawn’s making Brig laugh because he’s trying (and failing) to make it “walk the dog”. Their giggles actually sound genuine. This must have been while MattBian was in working his bulgy magic on Cameltoe, cuz Garofalo’s sitting there all by herself…

…just being a fucking sunbeam for Jesus!…

TrannyLips tries to get her to join in, “It’s more fun than you thiiiink!” but Garofalo’s determined to remain the stick-in-the-mud “cool chick” and whines back “I’m not very good at games.”…

…”…except the head kind.”…

So, nope, she turns all CBB (or Can’t Be Bothered as we say in DragSpeakâ„¢) on them and goes back to reading her book, “Women Who Love Lesbionic Gay Men And Think They’re Megan Mullaly”.

The next day they gather in the SG Salon for the last Elimination Challenge before the Finals, and Cameltoe’s there to tell them that each of them is an “artist” and their task is to define their “signature style”. Everybody’s excited by that, but then Cameltoe ups the wow factor by introducing today’s “iconic” guest judge…

…another random gay guy!…

At first I thought Cameltoe called this guy “Oral-B” but then I found out his name is Oribe and he is billed as one of the best hairstylists in the world. All four of the stylestants are peeing hot streams through their panties at the sight of him. BrigADepends says that she’s been admiring his work for more than 18 years and breathlessly intones “I’m in awe of this woman!” Wait, I thought Oral-B was a dude? Ahhhh, when I ran it back and listened again she actually said “I’m in awe of this moment!” I think they’ve all spent too much time around Cameltoe’s mushy diction.

Speaking of Mushymoopy, she’s blowing more smoke up Oral-B’s dress than Mount St. Helens in 1980, talking about how he defined the supermodels of the 80′s, redefined glamour in the 90′s and “reinvented celebrities” in the millenium. So that’s who we have to blame for Heidi and Spencer!…

…thanks, asshole…

Oral-B says a bunch of stuff about passion and elements and wow and love and curing cancer and toilet paper conservation and exploding strawberry poptarts and he sounds as if hes talking through clenched teeth like those East Coast socialites that the Real Houseweives Of New York wish they could be except they’re way too skanky and tasteless and let’s move on to the challenge itself, which is for the stylestants to create a “portfolio” consisting of three looks that define their signature style, two of which will be on models, and the third look will be them styling themselves!…

…good thing Garofalo wore her best shapeless prison mattress cover today!…

Yeah, she admits right away that she’s not a fan of styling herself. I would agree, she does kinda dress like she hates herself. Anyhow, since MattBian won, he gets to choose models first, and then the scissor-boxes get trotted out again. Guess who nabs Box #1??!?!…

…BrigABWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!…

The only thing I can say about the remaining models is that TrannyLips chooses one that has super-fine thinning hair, and Garofalo winds up with the only (maybe?) multi-racial girl in the bunch. BrigABlondes chose to stick with two longer-haired gals with similar hair. They get 2½ hours to style the two ladies plus themselves, and then there will be yet another photo shoot right smack dab in the middle of the SG Salon (still saving money here, right, Andy? And no reunion show, either? How about having the stylestants pay for the film and the electricity used, too?)

Timer starts, and I go from zero to annoyed in about 3 seconds hearing MattBian brag about how he’s “definitely already created a brand” for himself back home (in the Fashion Capital known as Denver) which he designates with air-quotes as “The Natural”. I want you all to remember that those were his exact words. He says he calls it that because a) he’s naturally good at hair, and 2) because he has “an organic sense of style”…

…I guess the whole “douchebag” talent comes naturally as well…

You know, turds are considered organic, too, so whatever. He finishes off by saying he needs people to look at his work and say “That’s Matthew!” He forgot to add “in drag”.

BrigADream says she’s always thought outside the box, “…and more recently outside of the planet.” so she’s going all out to be as bold as she possibly can. It’s been frustrating to her that for weeks she’s been trying to put a strong avant-garde look out there and have it be “understood” by the judges. I think that’s where she’s been going wrong, Kim Chee doesn’t care about avant-garde, he just wants to see pretty hair-coloring and have people tell him he looks normal, and the Ant just wants his own show back, that’s why he sounds so pissy all the time. And nobody really cares what Cameltoe thinks about, well, anything.

Anyhow, she’s telling her models that she’s not gonna have a lot of time to get to know them today, because she’s about to make some very strong and bold moves, and with that she whips out several yards of synthetic hair and begins to flail them in all directions…

…I wouldn’t be laughing if I were you Miss Model, you’re likely to be the stand-in for Cousin It today…

BrigAvantgarde is comforting the girls that everything she’s going to do to them will be temporary, which was smart, because I think she was about to see a pair of empty chairs with all that fudge-marble-caramel-ripple hair she’s tossing about.

TrannyLips is consulting with his client and her thinning hair, and he crows to us that it was a huge risk to take that on, but he’s confident that his coloring skills will be able to darken that up and make it look like the woman has thicker, more luxurious hair…

…orrrrr, maybe he should go try to locate The Wandâ„¢ instead…

For his other model he plans on making her hair a deeper red to bring out the freckles on her face. Wait, don’t most women put makeup on in order to cover freckles?…

…I mean everybody except this little bitch and her delicious Frostys…

Ohhh, have you guys tried that Coffee Toffee Twisted Frosty Thingy yet? I think at this point I may have at least half a butt cheek made solely from those. OH, all right, I’ll tell you what Garofalo’s doing. She’s being a bitch. There, I’m done, drinky-poo time.

Ugh, okay, so she’s claiming that she just loves a lot of Japanese influences, and international styles, such as “gothic Lolita” or “fun loving chola”…

…or an uneasy mixture of the two…

Garofalo’s ethnic model doesn’t appear to be too turned on by the whole “chola” idea…

…”I will cut a bish before I let huh make me look like some hood rat, avriiight?!”…

She says she’s planning on giving the Blaxican girl a version of a “Japanese perm” that has tight roots and a fluffy texture, and then on her actual Asian model she’s going to leave it long on one side, cut it super short on the other and give her purple tips. She thinks this qualifies her as “quirky”. I think it qualifies her for an ass-kicking by her clients.

And speaking of people who deserve ass-kickings, MattBian’s planning on making his blonde far lighter (and bigger) than she is now, and his brunette will be a curious mixture of vixen and vamp… “When you approach her you’re not gonna be sure what she’s gonna do to you kind-of-girl!” Hmm, that sounds like a fun kind of girl to meet! Will she bite me? Kiss me? Kick me? Slap me? Give me a cookie? Run away when I call the police on her ass for assault? Ohhh, MattBian, you sure know how to reinforce that slutty stereotype!

With one hour remaining Borelando comes mincing in to try and twang everyone’s nerves (especially mine) by calling out in his most nasal and simpering voice that he’s “concerned” because he doesn’t “see a lot of finished heads”. Well, why don’t you just go fuck yourself, Borelando! They still have an hour left! That’s it, I’ve had enough, he is officially disrecapped. If there’s anything further from him then from here on out you will simply see this—-> “. . . . . “

Okay, I feel better. So BrigADangerous says today’s challenge is extremely important to her, because she feels the need to prove that she’s really supposed to be there in the competition. “You know, Janine and Matthew are extremely talented, Jon’s had a little bit of a juggling act, and once again, ‘one of these things is not like the others’.”…

…♪..come on ♪ can you tell which one?..♪…

Wow, I am seriously frightened and yet impressed at the same time. For realsies, If anybody this season would have been able to create a recognizable style for themselves…

…It would have to be our nutty BrigABoo…

I also find it interesting that she is willing to admit that the Tiresome Twosome actually have some formidable skills instead of repeatedly insisting that they suck over and over again in order to try and convince us that it’s true. Like Garofalo does. In every single episode. Let me be clear about this: If Brig absolutely could not do hair at all and was as terrible as MattBian and Garofalo are constantly making her out to be, then how in the blue fucknuts could she have maintained a salon in a smaller community like Simi Valley for four years (and through some of the most difficult economic times of the last two decades?). She may not have been the most consistent, but she has won a challenge, and been close two other times, and she’s outlasted two-thirds of the other stylestants. So suck it Jack & Karen Lite!

With a few minutes remaining, Garofalo’s trying to make something pretty out of the sweaty rat’s nest on top of her head, she says she hates doing her own hair, which I find incredible considering how cocky she normally is. Perhaps now that some real creativity is required she realizes she’s coming up short. Er.

Time is up, and let’s begin the photo shoot! TrannyLips is the first one up and as he meets the photographer we find out they only have 15 minutes to nail the three separate shots they need. Yawn decides to get his own Glamour Shot out of the way first…

…He’s not my type but I think I’m in love…

TrannyLips believes he made his brand a long time ago, and says he doesn’t care what he looks like, he knows he’s projecting the “beautiful disaster that is Yawn”. Go on, girl!…

…now if he’d just wash something once in a while…

Next up to be shot is Lady Alopecia…

…who’s just up from her nap…

There’s an interesting exchange between Oral-B and Kim Chee about Tranny’s choices here…

…yeah, I could say the same thing about that shirt and tie combo of yours, Miss Votox!…

The Ant whispers that it’s “not looking that bad” which is almost a compliment coming from him. Now it’s time for the Miss Freckly Red Head (Who Makes A Mean Double-Stack WIth Fries)…

…aaaaaaand receptionista!…

Eeeurglh! Sorry, but that girl looks like she slllloooooowwwwlllly walked out of a Land’s End catalog. Tranny knows it, too, because he’s disappointed that he didn’t take her further. And then he takes everything way beyond when he says “My mouth is as dry as a nun’s crotch!” Thanks, Yawn, like we needed another BonerKiller on this show.

Next in line is Garofalo, who’s turned feisty and says she’s totes down to bidness, “I. Came. Here. To. Win. Shear. Genius.”…

…*pfft*…Not in that dress you didn’t…

Plus, could her hair be any more frizzy and rough? Gosh, you’d think they’d make some kind of product to help out with that sort of thing…

Also, I noticed someone has a very limited repertoire of photo poses…

…as in “just the one”…

Whatever, Garofalo’s bragging about what an amazing job she did, and how confident she is that her finished looks are so polished and strong and bold and individual and there’s no way in hell she can be including her own personal fugstyling in those adjectives…

…especially when her big attempt at “personality” consists of a mustache drawn on the side of her finger…

So let’s take a look at her Japanese perm…

…このヘアスタイルは死んだろばの陰茎を舐める!…

Kim Chee has problems with how huge and bubble-like it is, and amazingly Garofalo admits the shape isn’t as good as it could have been. She quickly moves on to her Asian PurpleTips…

…aaaaand brown + purple = burple?…

This looks much better, but in a way that’s really bad overall, because it makes Miss Blaxican Bubble-Fro look even worse.

Time to check out Misster MattBian…

…who has the answers to all of your mortgage lending questions at the tips of his fingers…

All he needs now is to be holding a “SOLD” sign. And wearing a gold blazer. In any case, he says his portfolio at home has fifty fucking pages in it, and if you look through it you can clearly see who he is as a stylist. You’ll die of boredom first, but at least you’ll know who was responsible. So why don’t we take a look at his first entry into the lexicon of “The Natural MattBian Look”…

…oh yes, she totally rolled out of bed this morning looking like that…

Naturally ripped off from Farrah Fawcett in 1987 is more like it. And then he turns a fan on underneath her and blows her hair upwards and the whole thing just turned into a Preference By L’Oreal commercial from the 70′s. Astonishingly, the judging panel goes apeshit over this totally unoriginal idea, Kim Chee’s just grinning from ear to ear, The Ant’s got an erection…

…and Cameltoe has drifted off to sleep…

Okay, okay, I’ll hurry along here. Next he brings out his vampy vixenchick whom you just can’t tell what she might do to you…

…my guess is that she’d take that wig off and reveal she’s a man…

So this is what passes for “natural” in MattBianese? Hmmm. Interesting to note that the Ant’s boner has wilted, and he complains that that hairstyle just looks “blah”. They both looked really soap-opera-ey to me. And not even a fun soap opera, like a Dos Mujeres, Un Camino telenovela, but something more along the lines of a religious soap, such as The Saved & The Judgemental. Either way, I think it was not nearly as amazing as he seems to think.

Ahhhh, last in line tonight is our BrigADifferent, and as her models make their way into the faux-studio they are creating quite a stir. The first words out of The Ant’s mouth are obscenities (natch!)…

…Shut up, Ant. You look like a deep-fried orange peel…

They’re playing circus-ey music, the judges can barely contain their laughter, and The Ant just can’t help himself from hamming it up, because he is an asshole who can’t stand for the kookywacky girl to appear more interesting than him…

…oh, how I wished the model had farted right then…

*sigh* I miss Kelly Atterton. At any rate, Kim Chee drops another one of his tired (and over-rehearsed and unfunny) lines, saying the hair needs it’s own zip code. Ah ha ha, Kimmy, are you trying to say that hair is big? Nope, what he really means is that hair is Brig!…

…yo, fuck ‘em aaaallll up, girlfriend!…

Out of the four of them, she’s the only one who stands out from that gray background. For once I even think her hair color is pretty. She even hits the nail on the head when she says “I want to make sure that when someone meets me one time they never forget me… and that’s branding!” Consider my eyeballs branded then! Check the first model!…

…An Antennae Fantasyâ„¢…

Oral-B’s watching the proofs as they appear on the computer screen and he whispers to Kim Chee that he thinks it looks really… cool???!?!? Oh dear Jesus, is there some kind of apocalyptic upset on the way? Let’s move on to the second model…

…Elvis’ Sun-Drenched Nightmareâ„¢…

BrigADramatic’s struggling a little bit more to get a good shot for this style, eventually settling on a profile shot that really shows off the shapes she’s created. Win or lose, the girl is way proud of what she did, and is especially liking the fact that nobody else’s looks were anything like hers. I’m guessing they’re prolly okay with that, too. Let’s see what the judges think back in the Judging Room!

First Cameltoe has to reiterate that only three people will move on to the Finals, and the winner of tonight’s Challenge gets an advantage in the final. Could you guys have maybe chipped in and tossed a couple of Benjamins into the mix? Andy? No? Cheap-ass bitch.

Starting with MattBian’s portfolio…

…RuPaul’s Drag Race (Staaart Your Inn-Jinns!)…

First off Cameltoe wants to know why he chose that particular photo of himself. He says because it’s serious but that he still looks like “a nice person”. Who tortures kittens with a magnifying glass on sunny days. Kim Chee says he sees a real-estate agent (snaps to me for coming close with my mortgage broker comment!) and thinks the shot is too artificial for branding. Then The Ant asks him what the three photos say about Brand MattBian. “Umm, healthy, approachable, shiny… hair” Kim Chee’s all “Who cares?” and says this whole thing is lacking flavor. I’ll be right back, I need to go find my dancin’ shoes.

Kimmy goes on to say the curls on the blonde didn’t really connect well (with her head, I guess?) and asks if MattBian saw that. MattBian’s all, yeah, I meant to do that, and Kim Chee calls B.S. and The Ant thinks he lost control of them when he started brushing them out, “I know when I see somebody who’s kinda fucked up a little bit!”…

…”Hey, wait a minute! Aren’t they supposed to be saving the non-compliments for Brig??!?!”…

Oral-B says he disagrees with some of the other judges comments, he thinks the girls look sexy. I notice he doesn’t disagree with the Matt-as-a-real-estate-lesbian shot, though.

Next up is BrigADiva…

…in The Three Weird Sisters…

She tells the panel that to her “normal is boring.” Oral-B says he’d like to commend her for having a tremendous amount of imagination and that he’d like to see her “go for it even more.” Kim Chee says when she first walked in the door with the Cotton Candy Twins he thought “Oh KerrRICED!” but then says her work “seduced” him, even if it looks like “an S&M cat scratcher.” Cameltoe says it’s the first time she was able to actually see “Brig” in the styling…

…Girlfriend is seriously about to lose her shit…

Naturally the Ant has to bring her back down by saying he likes to look at great hair (which is why he tries to surround himself with mirrors at all times, I’m sure) and after a long pause he says “I don’t know that I’m looking at great hair.” He just doesn’t see enough “technical genius” in what she did….

…and there’s the Garofalo we all know and loathe…

Just wait until her portfolio, but let’s look at TrannyLips’ first…

…Three’s Company In Hell…

Oral-B thinks Yawn worked magic on Lady Alopecia, he made her look sexy, but the redhead not so much. Kim Chee says it was a mistake for him to use dark colored extensions on Lady A, because they made her white scalp look neon and even more noticeable, and he wants to know if Tranny’s totally happy with how things turn out. Yawn spits back “This is what I do, this is who I am, and I think they look amazing….bitchass!” The Ant says he thinks it’s just awesome that Tranny stands firm and defends his choices and blah blah blah. Funny how when BrigADeviant does the exact same thing, he thinks she’s being “disrespectful”.

Oh well, let’s take another look at the glory that was Garofalo…

…Trilogy Of Terror For Realz…

She trots out her whole “I’m influenced by the Japanese and Harajuku girls” thing again. Kimmy thinks the girl with the purple highlights is very Garofalo, but he says Miss Blaxican Bubble-Fro looks like a big black hole. The Ant says if he looks at the Purple Reign, he’s buying it, but if he’s looking at Fro-Ville and Garofalo-Land, he’s returning them. Cameltoe agrees that she did not take a very stylish picture of herself, and Garofalo tries to play it off like “Oh, yeah, it’s something I’m kinda struggling with, but no big deal, I’m still fabulous.” We’ll see, little woman, we’ll see…

After the usual rehashing of the same things they’ve already said (the only difference being that The Ant is clocking how ginormous MattBian’s ego is getting, which is really saying something if it’s coming from that self-absorbed asshat) they invite the final four back and have MattBian (grrrrrr)…. and BrigADelighted come forward. OMFG they’re the Top Two tonight!!!! Then Cameltoe tells MattBian… that BrigADelicious won the challenge!…

…BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!…

This means that TrannyLips and Garofalo are the Bottom Two! Time for commercials and the Viewer Poll is back again…

…Poor MattBian, can’t even outstyle BrigADevil…

So back to our Bottom Two, and could my prayers be answered and a member of the Tiresome Twosome be sent packing? Cameltoe calls out Yawn’s name… and he’s not safe, he’s the one going home tonight, and Garofalo is staying!…

…although you wouldn’t know it from looking at her sour-ass mug…

Yawn’s pretty cool and says he’s happy that he made it to the Top Four out of all the thousands of people who tried out for the show. I’m gonna miss you, TrannyLips, you were like my bestest bitchy girlfriend on this show.

So there we are, the Final Three are BrigADooinit, Garofalo and MattBian. Is this how you guys pictured it? Would you have been happier to see Garofalo gone and TrannyLips stay in her place? Are any of you using Oral-B toothbrushes at night? We’re almost done, please just hang in for one more episode and then it’ll be right back to food and fat guys for another ten weeks, K? Thanks as always for your time-investment and your tasty comment-love!

love, J-Mo